Happy Endings s01e11 Episode Script

l'll have the club sandwich, two pieces of bread avocado sliced thin, no tomato.
Check.
Uh Not gonna write this down? l don't need to.
l remember every order with a handy mnemonic device using state capitals and Tobey Maguire movies.
Or you could just write it down.
And it's locked in.
It is not locked in.
We gotta stop sitting in Randy's section.
He always gets the order wrong because he never writes anything.
He'd get your food right if you didn't order like a girl from Long lsland.
Oh, my God.
Please don't complain, because we know what happens when they don't like a customer.
Really think they spit in your food? No, l think my cable guy has seen me naked.
l know they spit in our food.
Not me.
l was the best waitress.
It's all about the upsell.
It's like, ''You don't want another plate of Maui Wowie chicken bites? How about now, table of divorced dads?'' Damn.
Telling your ''chicken bites'' story? l need to get new stories.
That guy you were talking to was super cute.
Give me deets.
l wasn't paying attention.
l was too busy making up a song in my head about why mac and cheese are best friends.
Hey, Max, it was great to meet you.
Look, l've gotta run, but do you want to go out some time? Uh, sure.
Great, all right.
Well, how about Friday? That's my number.
Okay, great.
l'll give you a call.
Later, Adrian.
Ooh! Yeah, girl.
- Black, British and gay? Fabulous.
- Yeah.
That guy walks into a bar, it's London britches falling down.
Guys, what is this, Sex and the City, season two? Oop, la, la, la, have it on DVR.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna call that guy? Are you nuts? Come on, he sucks.
l can tell.
Why do you always do this? Why do you blow a guy off before you get to know them? l don't do that.
This thing is sweet.
l always wanted a muscle car.
Yeah, l know, right? l love to just throw the top down and blast Dave Matthews.
Yup.
It's a slippery slope.
You let one guy in that likes Dave Matthews Band, next thing, you're playing Frisbee golf and taking it really seriously.
Okay, here is your club soda and tomatoes on the side, just like you ordered.
- Tomatoes? Ugh.
- Oh, uh Guys, tomato l just Ugh.
Got tomato.
He's got a thing with tomatoes.
- Give me the tomatoes, honey.
- l can't even lf he throws up, l will.
lf he does, l will.
Let me see that.
l don't want them, l don't want them.
- Max.
Max, give me All right.
- Ugh.
What's your problem with Adrian? That guy was incredibly hot and perfect.
Pfft.
What's the big deal? He has a British accent? l could have a British accent.
Meet me at the palace for high tea, mon.
l have no idea what that was.
What could he have possibly said in five minutes that made you not wanna go out with him? He was kind of terrible.
He kept going on and on about the Bears.
You love the Bears.
He was one of those ''we'' guys, like, ''We need to play better defense.
We need to stick our blocks.
'' It's like, ''You're not on the team.
'' Oh, Max, l used to be just like you.
l used to look for any excuse not to like a guy so that l could reject him before he rejected me.
Was that before or after you slept with every guy you met? Oh, la, la, la Let me know when you're done.
Brad was the only guy that l didn't pre-judge instantly, and thank God.
Aw, that's my boo.
l'm okay with sloppy 22nds.
Sure, l could have bailed when l saw his collection of Paula Abdul singles, or when l learned that he tucks his pajama shirt in.
Let's wrap this up.
It doesn't matter.
l threw away his number.
Oh, well Heh.
Okay.
Did you keep this because you think we really have a shot or because you're an obsessive-compulsive wack job? Mm.
Eighty-twenty.
l think you should give him a chance.
Go out on one date with him.
He may not be as bad as you think he is.
All right, fine.
l'll go on a date with him.
But the second he tucks his pajamas in, l'm out of there.
l don't understand why a brother can't look nice when he goes to bed.
ls that a crime? Oh, Sara.
Alex? No, it's It's Dave.
No, l know.
Oh, l get it.
You wanna do some role-playing.
No, you have a tattoo on your back that says ''Alex.
'' Oh, my Alex tattoo is for - Alex Trebek? - l know, but it was better than my last excuse.
Alexander Hamilton.
He wrote most of the Federalist Papers.
That is so crazy.
l know.
l thought most of the Federalist Papers were written by James Madison.
lmpressive, right, boo? Oh, l'm sorry, l wasn't listening.
l was picturing that Adrian guy naked.
- So was l.
- Hello.
- Hey, Al.
- Dave was telling us about how his Alex tattoo is totally killing his game.
Oh, is it? Big game? No, not big game, not bison.
Just the occasional deer or two.
- Maybe a gnu.
- Ha-ha-ha.
How about you? ls your Dave tattoo messing up your game? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, l mean, that's why l got it removed.
You did? Yeah, l just thought it was time to move on.
Plus, l got tired of saying l was a Super Dave Osborne fan.
What? How could you get tired of telling people you're a Super Dave Osborne fan? Maybe l should get mine removed too.
Maybe you should.
Well, maybe l will.
Maybe you should.
Okay.
Maybe l will.
l'm just trying to clear something up in my head as l go over it again.
Are you a Super Dave Osborne fan, or are you tired of telling people you're a Super Dave Osborne fan? Why do you do this? There we go.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
ls any of it right? It's on a plate.
Well, mine looks fine.
Pen, stop defending him.
You told him you were allergic to nuts and your salad's all pecan-crusted.
It's okay.
l'm just gonna eat around it.
So Oh, my God, my throat's closing.
Okay, this has gotta stop.
Hey.
No.
Okay, look, please, it's really hard to be a waiter.
Just Pen, he needs to hear some constructive criticism.
It'll make him better at his job.
He'll thank me in the long run.
- Dude.
- What's up? Randy, you gotta start writing stuff down.
l didn't order pie, Penny almost died.
Feel like you should flip those.
He always gets my order wrong too.
Randy, are you getting more complaints? No, l have this mnemonic device that l'm using-- l told you this can't happen again, all right? Hit the road.
You're fired.
What? You're fired! Well, thanks a lot, man.
Oh, and this is locked in.
But l-- You said-- Oh, so now y'all don't know nobody? For real? That's what hot in the streets? So, how hammered were you when you got this thing? Let's just say there was a lot of hair-holding.
Hold my hair.
Hold my hair.
l got it.
- Aw, jeez.
- Whoo! Go Bears! Go Bears! Go Bears! Unh.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
What do you say we blast this bitch's name off, huh? Oh.
Whoa, no, no, it's-- It's not like that.
We're actually still friends.
Oh, one of those.
Sounds like you have some unresolved feelings going on.
No, no, it's just-- When'd you break up? About four months ago.
Four months ago, mm-hm.
l'm sorry, why are you writing that down? This has nothing to do-- ln my experience, if someone is truly over someone, they get those taken off right away.
Well, l've been really busy, you know, buying V-neck T-shirts, wearing V-neck T-shirts.
Pretty much usurp most of my time.
Exactly.
There are two things you need to understand.
One, l do not validate, and two, you shouldn't get this done until you have all your feelings worked out.
You really need to understand tattoo removal is permanent.
Once you have a tattoo taken off, you cannot put it back on.
Really? l feel like l could-- Just think about what l said, okay? lf you'll excuse me, l have to remove a face pentagram from a woman who's running for city council.
She's got my vote.
Boom, triple 20.
l win again, Clyde.
l don't care that you don't remember where you are.
Don't go anywhere, okay? Hello? Hey, it's Jane.
How's your date going with the Brit boy? Oh, it's awesome.
l know, Adrian, Chelsea Handler has forgotten how to keep it real.
We're really hitting it off.
JANE oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
That is just fantastic.
Mm-hm.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, you just missed Adrian.
Why aren't you on your date? Uh, look, l wasn't into it.
Besides, l needed to reconnect with Clyde.
So did you at least call to cancel or did you stand him up? You stood him up? It's not a big deal.
What did you say when he called to find out where you were? He didn't call.
Well, then, how do you know he didn't stand you up? What? You're out of your mind.
l mean, is it possible that Max got Maxed, huh? Okay, one, l love how you used my name as a verb.
Big part of becoming a cultural icon, which is a goal of mine.
Two, you shut your whore mouth! Ooh, touched a nerve.
No one Maxes Max.
Now, let's go grab whatever WASP overcoat you wear.
We're gonna go to that bar and see he's sitting there like a skinny British loser, all, like: ''Where's Max? He broke my heart by not showing up.
'' Your shirt inside out? Yup, my shirt is inside out.
Hey.
Hey.
l just wanted to ask you something.
Yeah, come on in.
l was just making myself some tea.
Do you want some? No, l'm good.
Okay.
Um, let me ask you something.
How soon after the whole thing did you get your tattoo removed? Oh, my tattoo.
Excellent question.
Um l don't know, like, a week or so.
Yeah.
That was fast.
Yeah.
Did you get yours taken off? You free to be a playa? Don't say ''playa.
'' l regretted it almost immediately.
So was there any scarring? Yeah, a little.
Yeah.
Do you mind if l took a look, just to see what l'm in for? Nah, l don't think so.
l-- l wasn't trying to get you naked or anything.
l know that's not what you meant.
It wouldn't be weird because we've done it like a million times.
Yeah, like, a million bajillion times, right? Ha, ha.
Yeah.
But l don't know.
Now it's weird.
No.
No, it is.
It's not weird.
Yeah, it's weird.
A little weird.
Look, um, you're about to get a really long apologizey text from me.
Don't read it.
l just have to send it.
Adrian did not stand me up.
l'm like a chubby Chris O'Donnell, which in Chicago is like a regular Chris O'Donnell.
All right, calm down.
Wow, Max, Adrian picked a place where they make guacamole at your table.
Didn't you say when you come into money you were gonna get one of those ladies to live at your house? l don't think l said that.
Besides, she's using a lot of lime.
Tsk, l don't see Adrian anywhere.
Oh, yeah? He's probably in the bathroom writing Elliott Smith-type songs about me.
Excuse me.
Have you seen a guy named Adrian? Black, British? Oh, yeah, l know him.
We used to be roommates.
Well, at least until he got that front-office job with the Bears.
That's why he was saying ''we.
'' He's them.
He works for the Bears.
That is pretty cool.
Jane, it's Chicago.
Everybody works for the Bears.
So where's Adrian tonight? He didn't come in tonight.
He didn't? On Fridays he goes to the Avalon Theater for good bad movie night.
A bunch of people sit around and watch a bad movie and make fun of it.
It's ironic.
Orange whips? No orange whips for me.
Tell me this guy doesn't sound perfect for you.
This is why you have to give people a chance.
He could be your Brad, except for British.
Way cooler.
Do you think my marriage is in trouble? We're going to the Avalon.
To apologize and ask him out on a real date? No, because l'm pissed.
l feel bad for getting Randy fired.
l wanna make it up to him.
At this point, l really think you should leave it alone.
No, no, no, I know the perfect thing.
No.
Aw This is much better.
Mm-hm.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you guys doing here? Are you stalking me? Look, man, uh, l feel bad, so l bought this gift basket to apologize for getting you fired.
Wait, you got fired? l bet it was for not writing stuff down.
No, no, it's-- No-- It's because l touched someone's butt.
Why did he get fired? Uh, he touched my butt.
l'm tired of you not writing stuff down.
You forgot phone messages, our anniversary.
When my birth parents came to town.
How hard is it to grab a pencil? Say something.
Uh, she's right.
Writing stuff down only takes a second.
No, not that.
We're done, Randy, and in case you forget, write it down! - Okay-- - Mm.
Mm, mm, mm.
l think she just needs a second to calm down.
Yeah.
And by the way, your band sucks.
l don't know what you're worse at, guitar or sex! No.
Stings a bit.
What exactly is your plan? Are you just gonna run in there and start yelling? l don't have a plan, but l like your plan.
l don't have any money.
Pay for my ticket.
Hi.
Two, please, for ''Jessie Spano's Boobs.
'' - Adrian? Adrian? Adrian? - Shh! Hey, quiet.
Adrian? Adrian? Hey.
Max? What are you doing here? MAN 1 : Shh! You shush, bro.
l'm trying to have a personal conversation here.
Trying to watch the movie, bro.
Bro, you do not want to get into a bro-off with me, bro.
Boom! Shamed.
MAN 2: Shh! What do you want? l came to let you know that even though you have an awesome job, you're black and British, which is super sexy, and you know a place to make magic happen out of an avocado and a pestle doesn't give you the right to-- Oh, my God, is this the ''l'm a dancer, not a stripper'' scene? Awesome.
ln Spanish.
Amazing.
You can't stand people up.
l didn't stand you up.
Then how come the bartender said you weren't there? l was waiting outside.
Oh, you were outside.
Like a gentleman.
That's actually very nice.
It's super-polite, heh.
That's the kind of guy l am.
It's-- It's nothing.
l feel we got off to a rocky start.
l said some things, you said some things.
Actually, l didn't say anything.
My point is that l'm actually glad it worked out the way it did.
l learned a ton about you while l was trying to track you down.
Oh, that's nice, Max.
Do you know how else you could have learned about me? Facebook? No, by turning up for our date.
Sorry, Max.
l don't date guys who play games.
Look who got served now, bro.
Shut your whore mouth, okay? He just got his heart broken.
This was embarrassing, but this is embarrassing too.
You're on a date with no one.
You're alone.
Okay.
Enjoy the movie.
Yeah, enjoy the movie.
Enjoy your date.
We don't need any more words.
You two come together? You two come together, you and no one? Huh? You'll be alone for the rest of your life.
Know how l can tell? Stupid beard! l'm dusting, l'm dusting l bought this From a guy named Justin Justin's super cute And he looks like my cousin This song got Really super strange fast Drum solo.
High hat.
So it's our anniversary, and l know you've always wanted to go to Paris so l priced out two first-class tickets.
What? And then l realized l'm a waiter with $40,000 in student loan debt, and l got you this instead.
Aw.
Ha, ha.
That's-- That's way better than an actual trip to Paris, right? Louvre, schmouvre.
Ha, ha.
Turn it over.
Would you wanna move in with me? Oh, my God.
Yes! Yes? Yes? Yes, yes, yes.
Awesome, except we gotta keep the bathroom door shut.
Those couples just creep me out.
So, what are you having removed? On my back l got this giant eagle fighting a bison on top of a skull made out of lava while five panthers wait to rip apart the carcass of the loser.
You? Uh It's a hawk eating Abe Lincoln's brains out of his top hat, wrapped in a Hey, Al.
What are you doing here? Sweet.
Al, you still got the tattoo.
Why'd you lie? Come here.
l don't know, you know? It just-- It really hurt to think it was so easy for you to get rid of it.
It's been months and l still can't bring myself to do it.
Okay, well, if we're gonna be completely honest, l didn't bail on getting mine off just because of the scars and stuff.
But it's time, right? Yeah.
Then let's do it together.
lf we are gonna face lasers, we're gonna need some help.
A little tail of the dog? It's ''hair of the dog.
'' What do l care? l'm a cat person.
l'm a cat person too.
Oh Do you remember the last time we drank that stuff? l only remember the morning after.
Oh, my head.
Jager.
Oh, God.
The last thing l remember is doing body shots off your stomach.
That was not me, that was the bartender.
He was a nice man.
Mm-hm.
Why is my shoulder so sore? Hm? Oh Maybe it has something to do with that.
Aah! l got a tattoo! Oh l think it's kind of sweet, you know? Oh It's kind of like even when l'm not with you, l still will be, you know? Ow.
Oh, hell, no.
Oh! You got a Dave tattoo on your hip.
My name on your beautiful body.
l look like an extra on Oz.
You really don't.
Are we really that couple that has matching tattoos? l think it's-- It's cute, you know? It'll be a great story we can tell our children.
I love you.
I love you too.
It was a fun morning.
Easy.
Heh.
Do you think we made a mistake? Yeah, we made a huge mistake.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts.
It hurts! So Randy's ex says she hasn't seen him since they broke up.
You know, he's probably fine.
Or living in his car.
Yeah, or a shoe.
Heh, heh.
Or a ranch, breeding baby unicorns.
Or in his car.
No, seriously, he's living in his car.
Oh.
Hey, fella.
Hi.
What you doing in there? First you get me fired, then you get me kicked out of my house, now l can't even sleep in my own car.
Hi, how are you? Hi.
So things are good? Oh, great.
Uh, no house, no girlfriend, my band just kicked me out, which they only let me join because l gave them free food from the restaurant.
Sounds like someone's going solo.
Look, man, l'm really sorry about what happened.
l'll tell you what, l'm gonna get you a job at my office.
No.
Seriously? Oh, yeah.
Really? Because that would be awesome, man, thank you.
Yeah, yeah, happy to do it.
Uh Yes.
Call me on Monday.
Okay.
Uh, take my number down.
Yeah.
It's 312-487-- Four-eight-seven.
What are you doing? Locking it in.
l got a brain like a computer, so just hit me with it.
Like l told you, it's just a mnemonic device, which is simply a memory aid.
l mean, you can use them really for anything.
l have one for the Great Lakes, one for the planets that are in orbit, uh, the heads of Mount Rushmore.
It's a little more complex than the others.
- So you didn't get them removed? - No.
No, those tattoos were a symbol of our bond as a couple and now they're a symbol of our bond as friends.
You can't just get rid of something that special just like that.
Hurt too much? Like a bitch! Yeah.
l gotta say, Max, l'm really surprised you called.
Hey, don't worry.
l'm not into Dave Matthews anymore.
Ha, ha.
It's all good.
l'm not the type of guy to judge someone over one thing anymore.
So how's everything going? Oh, it's good, man.
Uh, just hanging out.
Mm-hm.
l finally traded in that old muscle car and now l'm rocking a cherry 2001 PT Cruiser.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, and l'm super-excited about this fan blog l started for Paul Walker.
Oh.
He's a guy.
Yeah.
l mean, that pretty much catches us up to today.
Good.
Yeah, which is a great day, because l just got this braided belt.
Okay, l gave it a shot.
l'm done.
Baby steps.
True.
Okay, so l want a she-wolf making love to a metal panther on top of a flaming bar code, and under that l want it to say: ''lf there's a hell, l'll see you there, Janet.
'' You gonna write that down? Nope, it's locked in.