Hart to Hart (1979) s01e11 Episode Script

This is my boss, Jonathan Hart.
A self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs.
H.
She's gorgeous.
What a terrific lady! By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of them, which ain't easy 'cause their hobby is murder.
You're sure those are the same crates you saw leaving Hong Kong? I'm certain of it.
The markings are identical.
The only problem now is which crate contains the treasure? Why don't we let Mr.
Jimmy Lee decide which one is the right one for us? I'm certain he's been in contact with those who are expecting the object.
- Jimmy Lee! - It's all right, I got it.
Yes, this is Jimmy Lee.
The shipment has arrived.
I'll deliver your special order this evening.
I'm afraid patience has never been one of my particular virtues.
Patience, my dear, is one of my few remaining virtues.
- Boy, I'm stuffed, aren't you? - Absolutely delicious.
This must be the best Anglo-Chinese restaurant in town.
It's better than the German-Chinese one down the street.
What German-Chinese one down the street? That's the one where after you eat, an hour later you're hungry for power.
That's not funny.
That's funny.
Hey, where's Max? You know what happens to Max every time we come here.
Yeah, he loses a fortune.
But not in a cookie.
Follow him.
Whatever happens, don't damage the crate! Get back in the car, you cretin! We'll head him off the other way.
- What did you do with it? - It belongs to our people.
And that don't mean you.
Wait, Lisa, that will silence him forever.
Search the alley.
He must have dropped it there.
I will never tell you what I did with it.
Yes, but the sad part is, I believe you.
Thank you very much, Kiplong.
- You first.
- Okay.
Come on, what does it say? It says "Remember as you go through life money does not buy you happiness.
" - Well, we already know that.
- Wait a minute.
- There's something else here.
- What? "Money does, however, buy the kind of misery you can live with.
" Let me see that.
"Help, I'm a prisoner in a Shanghai cookie factory.
" Him again.
- Here.
- My turn.
Well? "There is a mysterious stranger in your future.
" Must be someone else.
Probably the termite man.
He's coming tomorrow and I never know what to make of him.
Or maybe it's that guy that just came in the door.
He looks like he's gone one gin sling too far.
Protect the man with the jade eyes.
Take him to the temple.
Good news, Lieutenant? This is confusing, I don't understand this.
And you say that you didn't recognise this guy at all.
No.
- Mrs.
Hart? - No.
I knew him.
- You knew him? - You knew him? Yeah, his name was Jimmy Lee.
He ran an import store.
He used to play mahjong with us once in a while.
Always lost.
Do you think that he recognised you, Mrs.
Hart? I have no idea.
- Mr.
Hart? - I have no idea.
- Max? - No doubt about it.
I pointed them out to him last time we were here.
He had a sort of a long-distance crush on Mrs.
Hart.
Not collect, I hope? What exactly did he say to you before he died? - I don't know exactly.
- He means he doesn't exactly know.
I suppose that made perfect sense to you, Max.
To me he didn't say a word.
Well, it doesn't make any sense to me, I mean, look at this.
"Protect the man with the jade eyes.
Take him to the temple.
" I mean, what is that? - That's what he said.
- It's exactly what he said.
- What the hell does that mean? - I don't know exactly.
Okay, all right.
Look, I think I have everything I need.
About wraps it up.
I just want to reassure you.
I mean, this is only my second time out.
Cold shield and all, you know? But, well, listen, the case now rests in the firm hands of the law.
You know what I mean? That's reassuring.
- Bon appétit.
- Thank you.
Somebody get me a spoon! Max, I'll drive.
Mrs.
H.
Darling.
Just get in, Max, and just keep smiling.
It's a Buddha, right? Well, actually, no, Max.
It's a Ho Tai.
Well, whatever it is, it looks like one of those things if you water it grass will grow out of its head.
Your fortune cookie was right.
There was a mysterious man in your future.
Do you think this little man could be looking for a temple? Well, if he is, he is not looking with jade eyes.
What about the Ho Tai? I'm afraid the Harts are as well-known as they are well-heeled.
I'm afraid we've gained enough notoriety for one evening.
There are only three of them.
I say kill them now.
And only recently you advertised patience as one of your few remaining virtues.
Yes, and you were foolish enough to believe me.
Let's hope the Harts are foolish enough to believe you when you visit them tomorrow.
- And if they're not? - Well then I'm afraid we're all going to have to lose our patience.
Drive on.
Max.
You know the blender is on the fritz.
Would you see if you could take it down and get it fixed? Sure thing, Mrs.
H.
I'll put it in the station wagon.
- We made the papers.
- Really? Let me take a look.
- Well, it's a great picture of Max.
- They got me on my best side, that's all.
I look a little tight-lipped.
And who's that lurking in the background? Well, what do you think now that he's all cleaned up? Looks pretty good, doesn't he? Now don't tell me you're growing attached to that thing.
You know, I sort of like having him around.
It's supposed to bring you good luck, if you rub his tummy.
Who needs him? If you did that to me, I'd bring you anything you want.
Wow, you get fast action.
Fast action.
- Who is it? - Hi, yes, this is Lisa Wong.
I was a friend of Jimmy Lee's.
I'd like to speak to the Harts, please.
Okay.
Come on up.
Wong? I'll put on the tea kettle.
Jimmy Lee was like a brother to me.
I guess our closeness came mostly from the religious views we shared.
- Religious views? - Yes, we were members of a sect.
Almost extinct now, except for a handful of practitioners.
Sort of an offshoot of the traditional Chinese Buddhists.
Would you like a little more tea, Miss Wong? No, thank you.
I'm fine.
Why did you come to see us, Miss Wong? Well, you see, our congregation has been long awaiting the arrival of a very sacred object from the Orient.
Our own equivalent of the True Cross, if you will.
It wouldn't by any chance be a Ho Tai? Yes, Mrs.
Hart, how did you know that? I just had a sort of sickening feeling in my stomach.
- Go on, Miss Wong.
- Thank you.
You see, the object, rather the Ho Tai, was sent to Jimmy Lee through his importing business, and it arrived yesterday and he was supposed to deliver it last night.
- Not by any chance for your temple? - Why, yes.
Mr.
Hart, I do believe you and your wife must be clairvoyant.
No, not at all.
As a matter of fact, I don't know why we're involved in this.
Do you? You see, Jimmy Lee put the crate with the Ho Tai into your car last night - just before he was killed.
- Apparently so.
But you'll have to contact the police.
You mean, you turned the statue over to the police? Wouldn't you? Yes, of course.
Max.
I'm afraid we can't help you, Miss Wong, but if you contact the police I'm sure that they'll be able to help you out in some way.
- Thank you for your hospitality.
- You're welcome.
- Max, will you show Miss Wong out? - Sure thing.
Bye.
I'd like to read her tea leaves.
I'm sure that her past is more interesting than her future.
- Max, you take the car and follow her.
- Right.
I'm very interested to know just how religious Miss Wong is.
J Where would one check out a Ho Tai past or present? Well, probably the Oriental library at UCLA? You go there.
In the meantime, I'll take our little fat friend down to Jimmy Lee's shop and I'll check out what's going on down there.
A thousand and one.
Jeez.
I think this is the book you need.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
I'm so distressed about Jimmy's death.
I haven't thought of where he might have left our sacred statue.
Wait.
I think our dilemma may be solved.
I'll call you back.
Good morning, I'm Jonathan Hart.
I realise you're closed.
I know about Jimmy Lee's death.
I'm very sorry, but I would like to ask you a few questions.
- Come in, please.
- Thank you very much, it's very kind of you.
I'm finished with this book.
Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Is there a telephone I could use? There's a pay phone just outside in the corridor.
Thank you very much.
There is nothing at all unusual about this statue.
We import many of them.
They are inexpensive as most of our items are.
You know nothing about this one being meant for a religious sect? Nothing at all.
Excuse me.
Hello, is Jonathan Hart there, please? Thank you.
It's your wife.
This way, please.
My wife? - Hi, darling, what's up? - Darling, listen to this.
When China was being colonized by the foreigners in the 1800s you know the Opium Wars and all that? Well, a very enterprising monk belonging to the Temple of the East encased a sacred Ho Tai in plaster.
And get this, he was not only sacred it was golden and it had eyes of pure imperial jade.
I'll meet you back home.
I'm terribly sorry if I caused you any trouble.
This is the very thing that my wife is looking for.
And you could forget all that stuff I told you about the religious sex.
Sect.
That's a tough one.
Have a nice day.
Darling.
Do you remember when you tried to fix my little nephew's sled and turned it into a pair of short skis? Don't worry, will you? I got the touch of a brain surgeon.
Well, I hate to admit it, but I think I fell for the old Ho Tai shuffle.
Do you think that lady took it from the shop? Not unless she wants to go the same route as Jimmy Lee.
I'm sure they're working together.
Which means it could still be in the shop.
- Which means we have to go back.
- Which means we'll have to break in.
This time, I'll do the honours, Doctor.
- Take it easy.
- You're telling me? Okay.
Well, look at that.
Yeah, they're cheaper by the 100.
- I'll take just one, please.
- But which one? Flip on the light.
We'll keep looking until we find something.
Jonathan.
I think I found something.
Hi We were just browsing.
You see, my wife is an insomniac.
She can't stand shopping during the daytime.
Excuse me, sir, but I think it's only fair to warn you that my husband's hands are registered with the police as lethal weapons.
I think we're in a little trouble here.
We're definitely in a little trouble here.
You let him go! Jonathan, look! The man with the jade eyes.
Look.
Let's get out of here before somebody hands us a broom.
Will you look at that? No wonder everybody's after our fat friend here.
- He must be worth a fortune.
- What? For sheer power and impact, I've never seen anything like it.
So you're growing attached to our little friend here, too? No, I was talking about that guy who tried to kill me.
- Hey, Max.
- How are you feeling, Mr.
H? All right.
- Jeez, that's a different one, ain't it? - I'll say it's a different one.
Say, what'd you find out about our religious friend, Miss Wong? Well, I followed her, like you said.
And she ain't no nun, that's for sure.
And she didn't go to no house of religious worship.
What kind of a house did she go to? A big black Caddy registered in the name of one Arthur Sydney picked her up and dropped her off at a joint called The House of 1001 Pleasures.
- A thousand and one what? - Pleasures.
- A thousand and one? - At the corner of First and Formosa.
You can't miss it even if you wanted to, and you would.
This must be the place.
Looks like it's about to say: "tilt.
" Max was right.
Miss Wong was no nun.
Jonathan, look.
You go back to the car and baby-sit.
I'll check this out.
And don't take any litchi nuts from strangers.
Darling, do me a favour, would you? Find out what the "one" is.
You're not Clark Kent, are you? Moonlighting from the temple, Miss Wong? Thanks very much.
You must be Arthur Sydney.
Well, if this isn't a happy coincidence, I don't know what is.
Lisa and I were just discussing you, Mr.
Hart.
I'm sure you were only saying nice things.
Good evening, Mrs.
Hart.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm the High Priest of the Temple of the East.
- How do you do? - We are not violent people.
In fact, our fervour is for pacifism.
Well, I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that.
- However - However? The most unpleasant things could happen if you do not give us the statue.
After all, it is rightfully ours.
Although, others would not have you believe so.
- You mean, Lisa and Mr.
Sydney.
- Exactly.
They are very bad people.
Much more dangerous than we are.
Much.
I like you much more than I like them.
I could tell that already.
They only want the statue for avaricious reasons.
With us, it is a matter of sacred tradition.
I wouldn't want to get in the way of God or anybody else.
The statue, please.
Sure.
Would you, please? - Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Nice to meet you.
Where is the Ho Tai? I told you, ask the police.
I suggest you answer the lady.
My wife's got it.
Jonathan! Jonathan! I'm so terribly sorry.
Jonathan! No! What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? - Welcome, Mrs.
Hart.
- Thank you.
Mr.
Sydney has been making rather a convincing argument on why we should give him back the Ho Tai.
His most telling point he is holding in his hand.
- I see what you mean.
- I think we should hand it over to him.
- I don't think that's a very good idea.
- I don't think it's a very good idea either.
- But under the circumstances I don't think - No, darling, I think it's a lousy idea.
I understand your point, but would you please listen to me? - No, really, hear what I'm saying.
- I do hear what you're saying - but you're not listening.
- Please listen to me.
- I want you to go down to the car - You don't seem to understand - and bring up the Ho Tai, now.
- I won't go down there because I can't! Might I inquire why not? Why not? Because I don't have it.
Sounds like a good reason.
What happened? Well, there was this man, who came from the Temple of the East and he said it belonged to him.
I believed him, so I gave it to him.
I had to make some choice.
But of course you did and so do we.
We have to make a choice as well now that you are of no further use to' us.
- Jonathan.
- Mr.
Sydney.
Wait! Perhaps they are of some use to us.
I beg your pardon? Mr.
and Mrs.
Hart pride themselves on being clever.
Why shouldn't they be clever for us? In exchange for their lives, they will have to get the statue back.
I think that can be arranged.
But you're not foolish enough to suggest that they should both go? No, of course not.
Mr.
Hart will go with our friend.
He knows the way to the temple.
And Mrs.
Hart will remain with us as insurance.
When he brings the Ho Tai back, we will release the lady.
- Do I bring it back here? - No, I think not.
You see, the chaps from the temple saw you come here.
This would be the first place they'd look.
No, I think Jimmy Lee's shop.
The back of Jimmy Lee's shop.
That'd be the last place they'd look.
That sounds fine to me.
Ready when you are, B.
C.
You'd better put on your shoes and socks.
You'll catch your death of cold.
And do hurry, Mr.
Hart or else Mrs.
Hart will catch her death period.
I have to tie my laces.
I just washed my sneakers.
I can't do a thing with them.
Just in case we have to run.
Remember, this is a non-violent sect.
You're a lot of fun to be with.
They're also very trusting.
Just like Mr.
Sydney is with you.
Stealth and guile.
Stealth and guile.
Hello, my wife and I were in the neighbourhood.
We were wondering if you knew of a good Chinese restaurant.
Maybe if we went down a couple of blocks and over to the other street, we could Stealth and guile.
Good.
Would you believe that? Our jack was stolen just last night.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Do you think you could lift this car up? Because while you're holding it up, I could change the tyre.
Let me see what I got in the trunk.
Hey, look what I found.
Liquid air in a can.
This'll do it in a minute.
Put the car down.
Hey, I'll hold onto this until I get my wife back.
You've seen my wife, haven't you? But wouldn't you hold onto it until you could get her back? It shouldn't be taking this long.
Look, if Jonathan didn't get it, it won't be because he isn't trying.
Yes, we know that.
There's no doubt of his motivation, only of his success.
Jonathan.
Hi.
Bring my wife over here.
- First bring the sack over here.
- Not until I have Jennifer over here.
First, the sack.
Tell you what you let Jennifer come over here, then I will put the sack down.
Very well, Mr.
Hart.
But when you have put the sack down, please move away from it.
Now, if you will do the same for my wife? Go out to the car, sweetheart.
That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all night.
- I'd say we were even, Mr.
Sydney.
- That's how it looks to me, Mr.
Hart.
Yeah, you could call it sort of an Occidental standoff.
- How did he do this? - It doesn't matter.
I ought to wager that choirboy is planning to take it back to the temple.
How can the people of my temple and I ever thank you properly? We're just happy it's back where it rightfully belongs.
We've called the police.
But if you don't mind, we'll just stay until they get here.
But I do mind.
- And now, finally - No! The Ho Tai.
Get the Ho Tai.
Look, why don't you take this because I don't really want it and it would look much better in your living room than it would in mine.
You'd be a natural for The Gong Show.
Good thing we both like to eat cookies in bed.
What could be better than fortune cookies and milk in bed? I'll show you in a minute.
- Try a fortune.
- Your turn.
What does it say? "A shapely deal is heading your way soon.
" You see, I told you.
Your turn.
What? "There is a mysterious stranger in your future.
" Listen, I got it.
This time why don't we tempt fate together? - How? - How? I'll show you.
Want another cookie, cookie? Jonathan.
I'm trying to be mysterious.