Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e11 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) Well, howdy, friend.
Shh! Howdy, monsieur.
Jeb Winslow, Captain, I'm an American.
Oh, really? Corporal LeBeau, Stalag 13.
You from that big old ugly prison camp yonder? Yes, sir.
We had a message from the underground.
You got shot down near Dusseldorf? Some Kraut on the ground got my gas tank.
I was coming down real fast, just like a great big bare-faced vulture, strafing a train, when all of a sudden that Shh! Hey, Capitaine, is this going to be a long story? Huh? Colonel Hogan is waiting for you.
Oh, okay, Shorty.
Lead the way.
All right, let's go.
WINSLOW: Ooh-wee.
Imagine sneaking into a prison camp just so you can sneak out again.
C'est la guerre, uh? Hold on.
That's French.
I reckon so, stranger.
Well, howdy.
How'd you get him through the tunnel? Did you come by plane or horse? Oh, these here are my good luck flying clothes.
Yeah, well if Sitting Bull gets in the war, you'll be all set.
Uh, excuse me.
You're the first Texan I've ever seen outside the cinema.
It's quite a shock, you know.
( chuckling ) Three or four maybes.
Hey, why don't we all go home and let him finish the war by himself.
Hey, uh, Colonel, how soon you reckon I could get back to my squadron? Our radio man is making contact with a sub patrolling off the coast right now.
Well, how about that? They'll arrange a rendezvous point and pick you up in 48 hours.
KINCH: No, he won't.
We had a short, blew out half the equipment.
We can't send or receive.
How long to fix it? It's impossible.
We need new parts.
All right, we'll get them for you-- make a list.
Got it right here.
WINSLOW: You're all going to get radio parts in the middle of Germany with a big old war going on? We got a contact in town-- bartender at the local hotel.
Fellas, I'm going to need a volunteer to go into town to see the dentist.
Hmm, I see, another stampede, huh? I'm sorry, I can only accept one volunteer.
Sir, I Thank you, Newkirk.
No, I was only going to suggest Carter.
Oh, thanks, pal.
Nurse, will you assist him? Yes, sir.
Now, if you'll please open wide? Open wide, please.
This won't hurt.
This won't hurt.
Cotton.
Cotton.
There you are.
Now have a toothache, and that's an order.
( indistinct mumbling ) Herr Kommandant, here they are.
I will finish dictating those reports later, Fraulein Helga.
Very good, Herr Colonel.
You look beautiful today, baby.
KLINK: Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, Colonel Hogan, a toothache, huh? Your men seem to have a lot of dental trouble lately.
I think it's the sawdust in the bread, sir, but I guess if you want to make money on supplies, you've got to do that.
Who told you that we put sawdust in the prisoners' bread? A little bird told me.
That little bird may soon be flying off to the Russian front.
I said nothing, Herr Kommandant, nothing.
( groans with disgust ) Does it hurt? Oh, the pain is terrible.
Let him speak for himself.
( mumbling ) That's plain enough for anybody.
Now, how did I know this is a genuine toothache? Open your mouth.
Ah-ha, mouth stuffed with cotton.
That's to keep the tooth warm.
Why, of course.
Don't you give me any credit for having any brains.
I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.
( snickers ) KLINK: Schultz! If I agree to let him go to the dentist, what guarantee do I have that he will not try to escape.
You have my word.
( mumbles ) He agrees.
I heard him.
All right.
I'll give him a pass.
Now, Schultz, you take him straight to the dentist in Hamilburg and then straight back here without any detours, understood? Understood, Herr Kommandant.
And you will stay with him at all times, even while the dentist treats him.
Sir, the dentist might pull his tooth.
So? I can't stand the sight of blood.
Imbecile! How did you ever get into the German army? I think he lied about his weight.
No, no.
The order was straight to the dentist and then straight back home.
Schultz, you can't deny a man a bit of schnapps before a visit to the dentist.
It's inhuman.
Look, one drink.
One drink, now, come on.
You'll have a beer.
Ein bier.
BARTENDER: Yes, sir.
And I'll have a wee drop of whiskey.
Now don't worry.
Don't worry.
All right.
Hello, chum.
Wie gehts and all that.
Oh, that's that lovely tub of beer for my friend.
A wee drop of whiskey for me, please.
Whiskey, sir.
Yes.
The good stuff, right.
( whispering ): Radio parts.
We need them right away.
Here we go then.
Ooh, this stuff looks good enough to drink.
Ah prosit.
Well, if you say so.
( slurps ) Ah Oh, this is good, strong beer.
Nothing too good for our boys in uniform.
( chuckling ) Is that an officer back there? Where? I see nothing.
It's my mistake.
I'm a bit jumpy, I guess.
Oh, don't scare me like that.
Prosit.
Prosit.
Excuse me, sir.
What time does this train get to Dusseldorf? I'll let you know.
Thank you very much, sir.
Ah Very good beer in this place, but the glasses are terrible.
Thanks, chum.
Lend us a hand, will you? Come on, Schultz.
Come on, the party's over.
Look alive, now.
You go to the dentist.
I wait for you here.
Been to the dentist.
Look, look.
The swelling, it's gone.
Now, come on.
Send the bill to Klink.
( laughs ) Big shot, Klink.
Blimey, he's a load.
I may have to roll him back to camp.
( singing in German ) Hey, was ist los? Open up.
Open up.
Schnell.
Hello, Hans.
We went to the dentist.
We had a marvelous time.
You want Klink on us? Ah, Kommandant Klink, Mr.
Big Shot.
Stop that.
Stop that.
Stop that flipping noise.
If Klink hears us, he'll make all kinds of trouble for you tomorrow.
Shh.
Sergeant Schultz! Well, here it is tomorrow.
Hello, Big Shot.
I mean jawohl, Kommandant Big Shot.
I mean, uh forget it.
Anything wrong? Never mind, Hogan.
HOGAN: I thought one of my men might be in trouble, sir, but I can see it's one of yours.
Oh, this man is obviously not well, sir.
Careful of the fumes, sir.
On your feet, Dummkopf.
Request permission to fall flat on my face if necessary.
Seven hours ago you left this camp to go to the dentist.
Seven hours at the dentist? It was a very big tooth, sir.
KLINK: Silence.
Now a prisoner has to bring you back-- drunk.
Well, at least Newkirk is sober.
Yes, sir.
Pity, ain't it? I will be sober by tomorrow, sir.
KLINK: Oh, yes, Schultz.
You will also walk a guard post outside the wire, back and forth, where it's cold and lonely.
But that will only be temporary.
Thank you, sir.
Until the sergeant who replaces you arrives from headquarters.
And then our favorite drunken fool will be transferred to the command of some other lucky officer.
( groans with disgust ) Ach du lieber.
He's gone now, Schultz.
It's okay to fall on your face.
Ach du lieber.
* Ach du lieber * Old Schultz is really suffering out there.
He looks like a Zeppelin with empty gas bags.
I talked to him a little while ago.
All he said was, "Mein feet are killing me.
" Colonel, do you think Klink will really transfer him out? I hope not.
It took a long time to train Schultz.
He sits up and begs for my strudel.
Yeah? Who's this? Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Ernst Krebs reporting for duty as ordered, sir! At ease, Sergeant.
There's your answer.
That's Schultz's replacement.
He barks like a ruddy seal.
Yeah, he looks very G.
I.
to me.
Let's find out.
Try him on for size, Carter, but take it easy.
Okay.
KLINK: Things run very smoothly here, Sergeant.
We have never even had an escape at Stalag 13.
Hiya, Colonel.
How's the boy? Halt! Is that the way you talk to the commanding officer, "How's the boy?" Well, see, we're old friends Come to attention! Eyes front.
Salute.
Carter, this is a new broom.
Well, sir Do as he says, or this new broom will sweep you right into the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant Krebs, follow me.
Three days before we can get a message to London, sir? That's about the size of it.
Close it up down there.
We got bigger troubles anyway.
This new Sergeant is a bloodhound.
If we lose Schultz and get stuck with him our whole operation could be out of business.
Well, maybe we can tame him if he likes strudel.
Come on, it took us six months to get Schultz to look the other way.
And he's got no character at all.
Watch it, somebody's coming.
Scramble.
Hi, Schultz.
How are you? Eight hours I walked today.
Come on, sit down, Schultz, rest your bones.
Oh.
Aw.
You all pooped out, huh? Oh, I'm double pooped out.
I'm going to be pooped out for the rest of my life.
And tomorrow I have to walk again.
Oh, tough go, Schultz.
LeBeau, please, could I have some of the foot powder the Red Cross gave you? Sure.
One thing I don't understand-- how could I get so drunk on one glass of beer? Never drink on an empty stomach, Schultz.
You call this empty? Cheer, up, Schultz.
Maybe they'll send you to a good post.
Or maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.
If they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.
All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.
Any of you fellas got a cigarette for a buddy? Yeah, here, old buddy.
Light? Oh, here, here.
Well, I'll see you men all later, huh? Hold it.
Hold it.
Who is this? Captain Jeb Winslow.
Guten abend, buddy.
Nice to meet you.
Well, auf Wiedersehen, y'all.
Halt.
Hold it.
Schultz, what about another cup of coffee.
Go away.
A nice cup of foot powder? Ah-ha, Winslow.
He was never on the roll call.
Schultz, he's only passing through.
Ah-ha, a spy.
In uniform? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There was a plane shot down near Dusseldorf the other day.
They got my gas tank.
I was coming for a strafing real All right, Captain, pipe down.
This is my lucky break.
How do you figure that? Well, if I turn him in to Klink, he's going to tear up my transfer papers.
Good thinking, Schultz.
Yeah, my feet might be dead, but not my brain.
Fine, and when Klink starts to figure out how he got into camp while you were Sergeant of the Guard, you get a chance to use your brain again-- at your court-martial.
Please, don't confuse me.
Face it, buddy, you're up the creek.
No matter what I do, I cannot be smart.
But I have to turn him in.
Go, go, go.
Schultz, we'll work a deal with you.
Forget you saw him, and we'll get rid of Sergeant Krebs.
That way Klink will have to keep you.
How can you do that? We'll think of something.
But, but, but Klink already signed my transfer papers.
Corporal Langenscheidt told me.
He signed them, but they never left camp.
How do you know? Mm-hmm.
"Name: "Schultz, Hans.
Rank: sergeant, grade one" Radio? You found a radio? That's against regulations.
Shh.
I wouldn't tell you this, except you're a new man, and I'd like to see you make a few points with Klink.
Where is this radio? Yeah ( chuckles ) Homemade.
That's the best kind.
Somebody will get the cooler for this.
It works on a battery.
Very clever.
Klink will love you for this.
Sehr gut.
I won't forget it.
I know you won't pal.
So, our new broom, Sergeant Krebs, sweeps again.
Danke, Herr Kommandant.
I try.
I shall start an investigation right away.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Obviously homemade.
It is amazing to me how ingenious these prisoners can be when they try.
Jawohl, that is true, sir.
Yes very ingenious.
Hello.
Hello, Colonel.
Can you hear me? Hello.
Colonel Hogan.
This is Kinch.
Can you read me? Hello, Colonel.
If you can hear me, the tunnel is too near the surface.
Hello, Colonel.
Colonel.
Hello.
Are you sure this is the spot, Sergeant? Ja, Herr Kommandant.
He was talking to someone under the ground.
Incredible.
Simply incredible.
Kommandant step over here.
You can still see his handprints in the dirt.
Ah-ha, now we're getting somewhere.
Confirm pickup point M-12, 48 hours.
Well, the Lone Ranger's going home to his squadron, men.
How do we get him out of camp, Colonel? The emergency tunnel.
With Sergeant Krebs on our backs every minute? Mm-hmm.
Yes, what do we do about him? Every night he does a little listening outside the windows, right? ( all agreeing ) Tonight he's going to hear something, and then we'll be on his back for a change.
Hey, Newkirk, I just spoke to the colonel.
What's up? LeBEAU: Tomorrow night.
NEWKIRK: Tomorrow night? Where? LeBEAU: From here.
Let me see if I've got that right.
Tomorrow night from here? Hi, fellas.
What's cooking? Shh.
Shh.
LeBeau just got the word.
Tomorrow night.
CARTER: No kidding? Tomorrow night? LeBEAU: From here.
CARTER: No kidding? Tomorrow night? From here? Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Guten tag.
Oh, hi, Sarge.
Hey, listen, I'm really sorry about that trick radio.
Why, the guys really pulled a fast one on me.
Ja, ja, well, I give you chance to make up for that.
I, uh I need some information.
What do you mean? I've heard a rumor there is something on for tonight.
Do you know anything about this? You mean like an escape? Possibly.
Where do you come off asking me a question like that? Just because I turned a radio in, don't think I'm going to rat on my buddies.
Now, you get this straight, pal, I'm no fink and don't ever forget it.
Take it easy.
What a nerve.
Oh, by the way, Sarge, if I don't ever see you again after tonight, it's been a real pleasure knowing you.
He's posting the guard.
HOGAN: All right, he'll be here in a minute.
He'll stick with us, you can bet on that.
Everybody got the plan straight? Yeah, the captain gets in the tunnel and waits.
As soon as the alarm goes, I guide him through to the woods.
Right.
Now make sure Krebs is out of the way before you move.
Carter, you and LeBeau get in my office as soon as you can.
We'll use the window to get out.
Right.
Ah-ha.
I'm going back to little old England.
And next time you're captured, find yourself another POW camp.
He made me barbecue K rations for him.
Americans.
He's moving this way.
All right, Lone Ranger, hide in the tunnel.
Hi-ho, Silver.
Newkirk, get started.
Right.
Now, let me show you a trick.
All right.
This one is always a crowd pleaser.
Take a card.
Guten abend, gentlemen.
Put it back.
I don't want to see it.
I don't want to see it.
Okay.
All right? Yeah.
Very quiet this evening, huh? Right.
Go ahead.
Oh, that's fabulous.
How do you do it? Evening.
Evening.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, how's that? Hello, hello, hello, hello.
I thought there was one missing.
That's too much! Too much! I tell you, this man's a walking deck of cards.
Can you believe it? Let me show you.
You'll like this trick.
Do that again.
Come here.
Now watch this.
I want you to take any card at all.
Come here, any card at all.
Any card.
Don't let me see it.
I don't want to see it, right.
Right, put it back, put it back.
I put it back.
Just remember it, right, put it back.
Mix them up.
There you go.
I'm going to think of that card.
Think of that card.
Right.
Cut 'em once.
That's your card, isn't it? Listen, there must be a trick to that, huh? Oh, I never said there wasn't a trick to it, did I? Do it again.
Was it the eight of diamonds? Ja, it was the eight of diamonds.
Isn't that fantastic? Do it-- do it again.
Do it again.
Do it again.
Okay, all right.
You have nothing up your? Halt.
Hold it, Schultz, it's only us.
What are you doing here? We're escaping, buddy.
And you're going to catch us.
I am? Then Klink forgets the transfer, and you're a big shot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Start yelling, Schultz, for the dogs.
SCHULTZ: No, no, no.
With my luck, nothing works.
Some people.
You try to help 'em, huh? All right, you guys start yelling.
Commandant! Quiet.
You'll wake Klink up.
Quit making trouble.
Quiet! ( shouting ) ( alarm blaring, dogs barking ) It must be an escape.
An escape? Kinch! ( all shouting ) Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! ( alarm blaring, dogs barking ) What is this? We were to trying to escape, and this rat, Schultz, caught us.
Yes, Herr Kommandant, this rat, Schultz, caught them.
If not for him, we would have made it.
Bah.
Cochon.
Boy, a guy hasn't got a chance with him around.
KREBS: Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, there has been an escape.
Thank you for that interesting news bulletin, Sergeant.
Happy landings, Captain.
Thanks, old buddy.
See you in Fort Worth.
( rebel yell ) Why didn't you know about this, Sergeant? Sir, I had information the escape would take place from the barracks.
I was watching there.
You fool, that was a diversion.
This is the real escape.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
Being sorry does not prevent escapes.
You are hereby relieved of duty, and you will be transferred out of here at once.
Dismissed.
Schultz, you will resume as Sergeant of the Guard.
Now, your transfer is being revoked.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
HOGAN: Colonel, I protest.
This man is inhuman.
He's a monster with eyes in the back of his head.
And the pair in front ain't bad either.
Silence.
Gentlemen, your protests are music to my ears.
We need men like Sergeant Schultz to maintain the reputation of Stalag 13.
Schultz, Hogan is confined to the barracks, and these two idiots get two weeks in the cooler.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Congratulations, Schultz, we did it.
Right, we got your transfer canceled.
( chuckles ) All right, let's go! One wrong step and I'll shoot.
Get him, will you? How quickly they forget.
Back! Back! Back!