Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e11 Episode Script

1 [Thundering.]
[Music.]
[Band playing.]
[Screaming.]
[Music.]
[Bats squeaking.]
[Music.]
[Moaning.]
[Food screeching.]
[Yelping, shouting.]
Guess who just got promoted to Official Mummy of Hotel Transylvania? - Ooh! - Sweet robe.
Who? Who? He's also the only mummy in Hotel Transylvania.
But a bus tour full of centaurs will be arriving soon [Music.]
And they just can't seem to get enough of mummy artifacts, especially real live ones.
Niiiice! Those centaurs are gonna be on you like moss on a headstone! Ya know, I don't get why centaurs think mummies are so cool.
It's a cultural thing.
They also believe gremlins are lucky, vampires are wise - Huh.
- Oh, and Gillmen are made of poop.
Hmm? [Grunting.]
Whoa, easy does it, Ginger! Back inside.
What's going on in there? She's used to chilling in my wraps, but I took 'em off to clean 'em, hence the sweet robe.
- First time for everything, am I right? - C-C-Clean them? And just where are those wraps now? Hanging out to dry in the clubhouse, where else? [Cake cackling.]
Oooh, devil's food cake! Official mummy out! Oh, no.
It's possible I might have come across his wraps.
Whoa! [Gagging.]
These things have to go! [Grunting.]
Go! Ha! Bad riddance.
- We have to fix this, pronto! - Um, "We?" - Okay, we'll help.
- You're so weak.
I can't help it, I'm a monster pleaser! Good! We've gotta get Pedro new wraps.
And I know just the place.
[Cackling.]
[Bell ringing, screeching.]
[Music.]
Hey, Maude.
Have you got anything in a stinky old mummy wrap? You want material, be my guest.
[Hank whimpering.]
- Yikes.
- Whoa! - Holy rabies.
- You make a mess though and I'll turn you into the most hideous creature alive! - A unicorn! - I heard that, Maude! Cram it, Bev! You drop one pillowcase and poof, unicorn.
No mess, got it! [Groaning.]
[Gasping.]
This looks kinda the same.
Ooh, silky.
Someone's getting an upgrade.
Boom, problem solved.
Man, I'm good.
After this, I think I'm taking the rest of the day off! [Laughing nervously.]
Aunt Lydia! Hi.
What, uh, what brings you here? I am picking up my new imported drapes.
[Bell ringing, screeching.]
Here ya go.
Made from the finest poly-fester/rotten blend ever farmed in the Yucatan.
And what pray tell are you doing here? Uh something, something uh, ah, laundry? - Laundry.
- Yes.
Ahem, uh, laundry! Last word PEDRO: Hey! - Here he comes, hide! - Easy, Ingmar! The more we wrestle, the more I dry out.
You want me to turn to sand? Huh? Right.
So, let me put my wraps back on before I waste away.
Huh? Hey, guys.
Ooh! How'd they get so silky soft? - We put them in the dryer? - Whoa.
I should've washed these a century ago.
Hank, wind me up! My word, I feel like a new mummy! Thank you ever so much, Mavis! Un-holy moly, it's like hugging a cloud.
You guys gotta try this! Oh! It's like being inside a cake.
Indeed, it is truly transformative! Okay, but since when does Pedro talk like a fancy cemetery plot salesman? Who cares? He's happy, I rock.
Let's not ruin the moment with your questions.
Okay [Music.]
Good day, noble sir! Great tidings, gentlemen.
Salutations, dear madam! He's official now, he can use big words if he wants! And you just know Aunt Lydia's gonna love it.
[Posh British accent.]
: Fancy a spot of tea, anyone? - [Sipping.]
Ahhh! - Okay, fine, something's off.
They say the wraps make the monster.
In Pedro's case, maybe they're right! At least there's no harm done.
What is your problem?! No self-respecting mummy drinks tea or plays cricket! And since when do you dance like that?! [Music.]
Wow! Egad! Whatever has come over me? This is most certainly behavior that is uncommon.
Lydia, my sincerest apologies.
Mummies don't apologize! Stop this immediately.
The tour bus will be here soon and the centaurs are sticklers for accuracy! And now you're shedding?! Oh, no no no no no.
It'll be a sunny day in heaven before I let you embarrass this hotel.
- You're fired! Gavin, you're up! - Ahhh! [Gavin groaning.]
Your badge.
[Gasping.]
[Spitting.]
What could have caused this change? Gadzooks! Did I wash in error? Are these freshly cleansed strips twisting me into an elegant mirage? [Rats squeaking.]
Rats are always the first to leave a sinking ship.
Why would my wraps treat me thus?! Because they're not your wraps! [yells.]
Say wha-a-a-a-a-t?! Uh, we didn't realize it was such a big deal, - but clearly it is.
- I'm so sorry, Pedro.
I sorta accidentally annihilated your old wraps.
But we'll fix it, I promise! [Belching.]
Not my dragonflies! Glen! Sue! - Yo! - And he's back? Not for long.
Before, I was just too fancy to be a mummy but soon, without the right wraps I'll be nothing but a pile of sand.
[Gasping.]
We need to get you some new wraps! Stat! [Teeth chattering.]
[Mavis grunting.]
[Music.]
Ahh! Velvet? [Italian accent.]
: Mi amor! [Blowing kisses.]
A-too a-sweaty.
[Sputtering.]
Track suit wraps? Ay oh! How you doin'? [Kissing fingers.]
Ahem! [Blowing whistle.]
[Laughing hysterically.]
[Giggles.]
- C'mon, guys, this is serious.
- Who made this mess?! ALL: She did it! [Whinnying.]
[Teeth chattering.]
The gift shop is on overload for the centaur tour group.
What better place to learn about mummies? Hurry! I can't live like this! [Gasps.]
[Blowing dust.]
Okie dokie, The Big Book of Mummies.
Bit on the nose for a title but, okay, let's just see here.
"Wraps must be made from an extremely rare poly-fester/rotten blend.
" - Oh, that's like impossible to find.
- Not impossible.
[Whispering, indistinct.]
Oh, no.
WENDY: Aunt Lydia's drapes?! How do we get 'em before Pedro turns into a pile of sand? Ahhh! Hey! That was my favorite pinkie! [Groans.]
The only way to distract from us stealing the drapes is with something much worse.
[Sighing.]
I'm on it.
Did she pay for that can of "I Can't Believe It's Not Hemoglobin"? [Knocking on door.]
Aunt Lydia! Big problem.
Gavin won't do the mummy routine.
- He refuses to come out of his grave.
- What? What did he say? - He said, "Argh, grr" - That does sound like Gavin.
It does, but we'd better think of something fast 'cause oops! [Bear growling.]
Mavis Dracula, what have you done? Young people today have no respect for other people's things.
Now poor Darryl has to get himself cleaned! - [Coughing.]
Talk about entitled.
- Whoa, Darryl! Low blow.
In my day, young vampires knew their place - and they stayed there - Shh, shh! in the cellar with the potatoes! Till they were 240! - No! - "No!" is right! Heh! Rest assured, your father will be hearing about this! No! I mean, uh, please don't tell my dad! But I must.
It's for your own good.
- Oh! - Woo! I'm a curtain! [yells.]
What have you done to my drapes?! [All screaming.]
[Thudding.]
ALL: Ahhh! Mavis! Explain yourself.
Okay, okay! We're so sorry.
But at least you've got your hotel mummy back.
'Cause I fixed the problem that I also caused.
[Sighing.]
- I guess I'm grounded for 100 years.
- That would be too easy.
I have something far worse in mind.
[Gulping.]
- Whee! [Giggles.]
- I don't see how this is worse.
Yeah, I could do this all day.
Speak for yourself.
[Bats squeaking.]
[Music.]
[Rock music playing.]
- Ha ha! - Ha! WENDY: What do you think they're doing? PEDRO: Same thing they always do when her creepy cousin comes to visit: Weird vampire stuff.
It's called a Vamp-Off.
It is an ancient vampire custom.
And it's terrifying! Look how scary I am! Rabid Marauding Minotaur! Juggling Circus Clown! [Both yelling.]
- Yeah.
- That's terrifying, all right.
Do not mock our tradition.
Vampires have very long memories.
Do you remember our first Vamp-Off, Mavis? - I remember you cheated, Klaus.
- It's "Klaus-hh"! And obviously your memory is fuzzy.
[Growling.]
- Zombie Mermaid.
Eee! - Dying Swamp Creature! [Squealing.]
Rowr! Whoa! Ah! So graceful! [Playing classical music.]
Go, Mavis! - Whoo! - Yes! Oh! [Groaning.]
[Klaus laughing.]
Oh, yes, so graceful! I wish you could see yourself.
Oh, wait, you can! I literally hired him just for the occasion.
I broke a fang?! [Screaming.]
Sheesh.
It's just a fang.
Not like she saw a spider! [Hank screaming.]
What? [Bell ringing.]
Hello? Someone? Anyone? - Help! - So, what do we got here? Wait! Lemme guess, teenager.
Please, Fang Fairy, can you help me? Say you can help me.
I can't walk around with just one fang! Okay! I'll see what I can do.
Uh-uh.
Nope.
Ugh! Ooh! Looks like we're gonna need an exact match.
Eww.
Why is it so sticky? Don't you know anything about science? [Printing sounds.]
Here we go.
Your exact match is Nooooo! [Cackling.]
I honestly still cannot believe you're donating a fang to me! This is so huge! And also so unlike you.
We're family, Mavis, and family sticks together.
Riiiiiight.
[Giggling.]
[Splat, Klaus giggling.]
- Hmm.
- This must be our destiny, cousin.
I was born with a spare fang tucked in the back of my mouth.
I'd always thought it was for a rainy day.
Today must be that rainy day.
[Thunder.]
Whoops, sorry about that.
Been meaning to get it fixed.
Now, which of you is getting a leg amputated? - Him! - Her! MAVIS: Huh? [Gasping.]
How do I look? Why don't you ask our in-house x-ray sketch artist? - Oh! It's perfect! - It is? I mean, it is.
Yes.
Klaus, I don't know how I'll ever thank you for this.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure we'll always remember it.
[Cackling.]
Oof! Watch where you're going! What a guy.
Maybe I've misjudged him.
Uh, he's Klaus.
He's the worst.
He probably gave you that fang to conduct surveillance.
The antenna's gotta be in there somewhere.
Ah! [Crashing.]
Look [Slurping.]
This morning, I was living every teenage vampire's worst daydream, but now thanks to Klaus, I have two fangs and can walk around without a bag on my head.
- That bag was very fetching.
- Thank you.
But let's lay off Klaus.
He did something good.
He saved me.
Man, I got a bad feeling about this.
Probably 'cause you're sitting on - all Dr.
Gillman's operating tools.
- Huh? Yep, that's it.
Ahhhh! [Teeth chattering.]
[Slurping drink.]
[Grunts.]
Watch where you're going! Yo! We were gonna ask if you wanted to play some ball, but you look pretty mad.
- Like, Klaus mad.
- Wooo! [Giggling.]
I-I think you were right, dude.
There's probably a mind-controlling microchip in his fang.
- Love the new hair, though.
- My hair? Listen, Klaus's fang is not controlling me.
I just got startled, is all.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get changed.
[Wendy giggling.]
[Gasping.]
My clothes! I've been robbed! Ooh, a ransom note.
"Your clothes have been taken to laundry services.
XO, Housekeeping.
" Okay, so more of a "note" note.
None of my clothes will be ready till tomorrow?! What am I gonna wear? Lost and found.
Read it and weep.
Looks a little small.
[Mavis grunting, groaning.]
How am I supposed to walk in this? [Sighing.]
May as well see what the gang is up to and huh? [Laughing.]
Come on, let me take one shot.
It's your old buddy, Klaus.
It's just like having Mavis around except better.
- Ugh! - Ha ha! Dude, you are nothing like Mavis.
[Clearing throat.]
Holy rabies.
[Gasping.]
[All laughing.]
That is so her.
It's like I'm looking in a vampire mirror, even though that makes no sense.
[Laughing.]
[Gasps.]
Now they find "Klaus-hh" funny? Holy rabies.
Did I just say "Klaus-hh"? Ah! I did it again! Oh, hi, Klaus.
How's the mouth? What?! Klaus-hh? I'm Mavis-hh! Look at me! Mavishh! Sure looks like Klaus to me! [Gasping.]
Ahhhh! [Dr.
Gillman laughing.]
He gave you that fang to conduct surveillance.
Probably a mind-controlling microchip.
Oh, hi, Klaus.
C'mon, Mavis, you can figure it out! Aha! Attention, everyone! I have critical fang-related news to inform you of! Hotel office, five minutes! Heh, I'm sure it's not important.
- It totally is! - Rats.
Ah! Rats! You're probably wondering why I called you all here.
Well, wonder no more! [Gasping.]
Hold your gasps till the end, please.
Whoa! Hi there! - Thanks.
- At first it seemed so innocent, Klaus donating his fang to me.
But now, I see right through his plan.
First, he soaked the gym floor to make it super slippery, knowing I'd slip and fall and break my fang.
Then, he commissioned a very realistic costume and pretended to be the Fang Fairy.
[Snickering.]
You gave Dr.
Gillman a fang that you said was yours.
Ah! But actually was from Pedro's pet mongoose! - Roberto? - He spooked the witches, making them crash into me and ruin my hair and clothes.
Then, you shredded my clothes so I'd have to go to the lost and found, and wear this! And now, because of his messed-up plan, I look exactly like Klaus-hh.
[Klaus giggling.]
Um why? Okay, that part I haven't quite figured out yet, but Wait, wait! Stop! Seriously! No offense, Mavis, we love you and all, but that just sounds crazy.
- But it was your idea! - Yep.
A pretty bad one, too.
Why would you take us seriously? I mean, no one ever takes us seriously.
- See you for hot lava yoga! - For sure No! Stop! Argh! Why won't anyone believe me? [Klaus clapping.]
Congratulations on being so wrong.
Want to know how I did it? Well, like any evil crazy person, - I assume you'll tell me regardless.
- True.
I noticed Mr.
Donaldson was sweating and he made a big puddle! [Cackling.]
I bribed my harp teacher, Ronnie, to pretend to be the Fang Fairy, and I scared those rotten witches good.
[Chipmunk chattering.]
Then, I put on my "sporty gear" to go steal your friends, while I left my clothes in the lost and found.
- Ha ha! - "Property of Klaus.
Claws off.
" Ugh! How'd I miss that? - Wait, what about the extra fang? - Nature's lottery ticket.
- I was actually born with five.
- Ew.
Gross.
I didn't say it would be pretty.
So, wait.
I actually did figure it all out.
You set me up just to get your fang transplanted? - But why? - I already told you.
Remember? Our first Vamp-Off.
[Sighing.]
You win.
I guess.
Yes! I am the Vamp-Off King! Booty shaking, booty shaking, booty in your face, ah! [Groaning.]
Good game.
Up high.
- Down low too slow! [giggles.]
- Too slow.
I'll show you "too slow" And 76 short years later, revenge! You and your friends laughed at me? Well, now I've stolen your friends! To laugh at you! [Cackling.]
- You did? - Yes! Of course I did.
I turned Mavis into a creature so hideous that instead you'd want to hang with your lovable pal, Klaus.
But you basically turned Mavis into you.
Exactly! And Oh.
I see.
And anyway, Mavis is our best bud.
We go together like blood and guts.
We aren't dumping her for any Klaus-come-lately.
- It's Klaus-hh! - Well, whatever it was.
You got me.
Good one, Klaus-hh.
Psych! Too slow! [Laughing.]
Yes, psych.
We'll see who gets the last laugh, Mavis.
MAVIS: We can still hear you! Rats.
[Screaming.]
Rats!