Housebroken (2021) s01e11 Episode Script

1
Oh, hello.
I didn't see you there.
I'm Raccoon.
If you're like me,
you can't remember anything,
whether it's the address
of your childhood tree
or where you buried
your first nemesis or
Oh, right.
That's why I'm here
to remind you where we left
Honey, Chief and the rest
of the gang last week.
Shel and Darla were about
to start their life together,
when Shel was violently
smushed by a mommy smusher.
No!
And when Elsa's boyfriend,
Jimmy Chonga,
turned out not to be
a figment of her imagination,
Diablo tried to help
their relationship flourish.
She also told us a
funny story about when
you were a puppy and
one of your testicles
- hadn't descended
- Ugh.
And Honey made a big decision
So what do you say, Honey?
You want to run away with me?
Let's get out of here.
And I bench-pressed twice my
own weight at 24 Hour Fitness.
- Yeah, we don't have tape on that.
- What?
I don't know what happened.
So we've got endless footage
of these fingerless yo-yos,
but when I do
something significant,
something all raccoons can
be proud of
- Whatever, fine.
- Well, you kind of looked like this.
No, just go.
I need to finish this.
Okay, so what's gonna happen?
Let's find out.
Stay tuned. Yay.
♪
♪
Wait a minute, am I actually
doing this? This is crazy.
Maybe if you reflect
musically on what's led us here,
- it'll make sense.
- Yeah.
The family I loved
had left me lonely ♪
I was feeling like
a total phony ♪
So I fled the home
that I'd always known ♪
And ran off with Armando,
the sexy coyote ♪
Run free with me, Honey,
it's not that hard ♪
There's a whole world
waiting outside your yard ♪
Throw off your leash,
it's our time, capisce? ♪
Just try not to get hit
by that car ♪
'Cause Altadena
belongs to the wild ♪
Altadena's so wild,
they call spicy mild ♪
Like a drunk ballerina
on a savage hyena ♪
There's something so crazy
about Altadena! ♪
If being wild is wrong,
I don't want to be right ♪
Share
my wild Altadena night ♪
♪
Share my wild Altadena night ♪
Hey, buddy,
want to watch yellow ball?
I'm feeling a little lonely
since Tabs moved out.
Sorry, Buddy, I can't.
Kevin's home.
He's even more depressed than
when Dana broke up with him.
- Whoa! What happened?
- From what I gather, he lost his job
opening soda cans on airplanes.
- This is for you, Dana!
- Kevin?
Take me back!
So we've been spending
a lot of time together.
- Last night I slept on his face.
- Well, that's great.
I'm glad he's finally
paying some attention to you.
"Finally"?
What's that supposed to mean?
I just mean
you're such a great cat,
and it sounds like
he's recognizing that.
Did he not think I was
a great cat before?
I have missed you
so much, dude!
Mwah!
Ah! Give me space, perv!
The problem with CrossFit
Ugh, hang on,
I just need to get away from
my ex-girlfriend's stupid cat.
Oh, my God!
Kevin doesn't love me.
Good morning, Altadena!
Ugh. Act like you've
been here before.
Oh, sorry, just spent
my first night in the wild,
and I am feeling myself!
I drank from a stream,
then slept on a rock,
under the protective eye
of a coyote
with rippling muscles and
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
There's a little
bit of blood on your mouth.
Did you, um, cut
yourself shaving?
- Oh, breakfast. Did I get it?
- Yeah.
You got a little fur
in your teeth, though.
- Oh. How's this?
- Good. Yeah.
So what wild and fun outdoor
activities are we up to today?
Apple picking?
Leaf peeping?
I need to go see my pack.
Things have been tense
since we moved here,
and if I don't check in,
our alpha gets a little bite-y.
- You're not the alpha?
- Yeah, I'm more of the poet of the pack.
Oh. I'd be happy to mediate
a conversation.
That's not how things
work out here.
Plus, if they got one look
at those bouncy curls
- and those deep brown eyes
- Ooh.
They would tear you
limb from limb.
Oh.
Oh, oh, right, so that
Yeah, oh, that's real.
Right, okay. No.
Cool, cool.
- I'll be back.
- Oh. Jill loves that movie.
I know.
I'm hungry, too, stomach.
Well, there must be
something here I can eat.
Aah! Don't kill me, please!
It's not my time!
I'm not gonna kill you.
In fact, I won't be eating
any animal protein.
So I'm thinking I need
to find a combination
- of beans and legumes.
- I can help you. I can help you.
Can I catch a ride?
I think this is the beginning
of an unlikely animal
friendship, am I right?
Looks like we've got
some competition.
Really? Wait.
So this dip has seven layers?
And you you guarantee
this to be true?
Ow.
It's time to play, play, play!
Little Cookie,
we got a saying around here,
"If Chief's a-snoozing,
keep on cruising."
Go play with Honey.
I don't want to play
with Honey she's no fun.
Seriously, when was the last time
she chased her tail till she puked?
I know. I try to look past
those things.
Look at him, pining for me.
Time to give him
what he wants.
What he really, really wants.
Dog parks, right?
- Uh
- Mmm.
What's going on?
I'm missing all the hot goss.
But please don't tell anyone
I actually miss the hot goss.
Well, you should
come back to group.
I can't. I said too many
nice things when I left.
Besides, now that Ray Liotta's
running for head
of his home owners'
association, I'm swamped.
And that's why I support
the death penalty
for driveway basketball hoops.
Just give me the Shel update.
What person, place, or thing
is he into now?
Just come back I guarantee
that within two days,
- everyone will hate you again.
- You really think so?
Look at all the colors!
- Thank you, uh, Paul, was it?
- Or Paulie. Either way.
It was your idea to name me.
Okay, I'll see you around.
Babiche! Talk soon.
Mmm.
Blech!
Trust me, you don't want this.
Honey! Come here!
I got you something.
- Paul.
- Or Paulie! Either way.
I knew you'd be hungry.
Come on, tastes even better
when you kill it yourself.
Come on, Honey.
It's just like "The Lion King."
Circle of life.
- Hakuna matata, Paulie.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Run, Paulie! You're free!
Don't waste this gift!
I knew they wouldn't last.
Kangopus for the win!
Honey, you're wild now,
and you have to do
what it takes to survive.
I'm not wild, Armando.
When I fantasized about this,
I didn't really drill down
on the details.
I mean, I don't even like beans,
and I can't rely on legumes.
- What are you saying?
- I don't belong out here.
I want to go home.
- Yeah, but I thought
- I'm sorry, Armando.
Okay. It's okay.
I understand.
At least I can channel
these feelings into my poetry.
"Honey" and "Bunny" rhyme, so
- That's good.
- Oh, your poetry rhymes.
Ah, okay.
Well, goodbye, Armando.
And and thank you.
And just like that,
she walked out of our lives.
I'm Paul, or Paulie,
- whatever you want.
- Hey, Paul.
I'm just not looking
for a relationship right now,
but I will definitely check out
your Soundcloud.
Chief! Chief!
Chief! Oh, you must have
been worried sick
that I didn't come home
last night, but hear me out.
- Oh, you were gone?
- I needed to t
Yes, I was gone,
all night, in the wild.
Uh-huh. And we're talking
about last night?
Yes. You didn't notice that I
ran off with Armando, the coyote,
and had a wild, sexy,
dangerous night in Altadena?
- Was Jill with you?
- No.
Okay. Let me see if I've got this right.
You were out
all night
with a dangerous coyote
- named Armando?
- Yes.
It was something
I needed to do.
But now I'm back because I
chose you, Chief. I chose us.
Wait.
W-what are you doing?
I'm going out
to mark my territory.
And I won't be back until the
rivers of Altadena run yellow.
I'd like to share a realization I had
that I think will shock everyone.
- Kevin is maybe not a very attentive owner.
- What? No.
- Is she?
- Ignore her.
She just wants attention.
Go on, Chico.
To be honest, I'm furious.
I used to love that word
because I thought it meant
"furry" and "luxurious,"
but I mean it
in the angry way now.
Well, have you thought
about expressing yourself?
I guess I could go
on a hunger strike. No.
- Chief?
- Darla? Where's Shel?
Shel is he's
Moving a little slowly.
Shel, my goodness!
What happened?
- Exterior, backyard, night
- Lindsay ran him over!
Don't just blurt out the ending.
- They need a little foreplay.
- You need a little foreplay.
- Be gentle.
- Never.
Oh, please.
I'm going to vomit.
- Aw, I think it's sweet.
- Oh, yeah.
Honey, please make this stop.
Shel! Leave it.
No. Leave it
Chief? Oh.
Hey, look, everyone,
it's Max,
- and he's meaner than ever.
- Just stop.
I can speak for myself,
you freaky little weasel.
Okay, that's enough.
All right, so I never went
to London.
I live with the star
of "Unlawful Entry" now,
and I don't need to talk about it.
How long has the fish been dead?
Oh, I'm trying to pull a Nemo
and get flushed out of here.
That's smart. Elsa, how's it
going with you and JChongs?
Um
So are we doing this or what?
- Uh
- Ah
We will never be a couple
because Diablo turned him
against me!
- What?
- That's great.
All right, let's pick this up tonight,
everyone except Darla.
Understandable.
Mine. Mine. Mine.
- Mine.
- Actually, that's mine.
Wait a second! You're
Yes. And you're
That's right, and it seems
like we have some things
to settle between us,
starting with,
how do you manage to stay
so well-groomed out here?
I mean, your coat is "ridiculous."
- Yours isn't so bad either.
- Really?
Aw.
I did get the special bath
at the groomer's
that makes me handsome, but
that was a couple of days ago.
And since then, I investigated
a leaky septic tank,
almost fixed it,
and I tunneled through
a mountain of tuna salad
but that might have
been a dream.
Wow!
I had the exact same dream.
- Except it was a giant deer carcass.
- Oh, awesome.
Hey, listen,
I know we just met,
but would you want to be
in a montage with me?
Does this answer your question?
A-five, six, seven, eight!
♪
Honey made me feel
like such a fool ♪
But I get it now,
Coyote's hella cool ♪
I peed on his ground,
now we're running around ♪
I think I got a crush
on Armando, too ♪
Run free with me, Chief,
it's not that hard ♪
Start living beyond
your front and backyard ♪
The wind in your fur,
you're a born predator ♪
Even though you somehow lost
both of your nards ♪
If being wild is wrong,
I don't want to be right ♪
Share
my wild Altadena night ♪
Yeah!
Share my wild ♪
And now back to
Shark Week, all year long.
- What the hell?
- Kevin, I'm a good cat and a loyal cat.
When Dana left,
she left us both.
And that's why I ask
no, I demand
to be treated with respect.
I don't know what you
just said, but
I get it.
- Dana?
- Dana?
I saw your little stunt on TV,
and it reminded me
you still have my cat.
I want it back.
Its name is Chico,
and we don't want you back.
All right, come on, little perv.
You can watch me shower.
Um, Armando?
It's so fun to wrestle when
disemboweling is off the table.
Yeah.
Plus, creative play
increases brain plasticity.
Yeah, it does.
Man, you're a total dreamboat.
- I do not get why Honey chose me.
- Wait, wait, wait.
She told me she was going home
because she's a poodle
who can't rely on legumes.
She didn't even mention you,
but that makes more sense
'cause you're awesome.
No, you're awesome.
But now I'm mad at Honey.
Hey! Your friends are here!
Uh-oh, I sense
another montage.
A-five, six, seven
No?
What ya doin?
Just waiting for Chief
to come home.
Chief!
- Oh, it's you.
- Sorry.
- Wait, who were you expecting?
- Chief, the fun one.
He's been out peeing on Altadena.
Uh, Altadena.
That's not great.
Well, they have excellent
public schools.
I mean, yeah, but a pack of
killer coyotes just moved up there.
Oh, my God. Oka
I have to find him.
If I don't come back,
tell the group that as long
as I manage my expectations,
I love them.
♪
Tchotchke?
♪
Tchotchke, don't be crazy.
You can't take on
a whole pack of coyotes.
What are you gonna do
with a bunch of nails?
Okay.
♪
I feel like
I'm just holding your hand now.
Hey, you seen Honey?
We were supposed to meet
for group tonight.
Ow!
What the hell, Tchotch?!
Eh, he's just excited.
Come on, we'll explain on the way.
Okay, so Honey has been
carrying on with a coyote,
and then she ran off with him
and she didn't tell us?
His name is Armando,
and he's ripped.
Ugh.
Look, the purpose of group is
to share the intimate details
of our lives with the group
or at least just me.
- Unacceptable.
- As soon as we save her,
I'm gonna tell her
how mad I am.
Let me do it! That's my
that's my thing now.
- I express myself.
- Wait, do you hear that?
Uh-oh.
- Do you have any last words?
- Come on!
How many times
have we been over this?
It's my job to ask ominously
about last words.
Stay in your lane.
- Chief!
- Honey!
- Honey!
- "Honey"?
Armando.
- "Armando"?
- Alpha.
- Wait, you're not the alpha?
- I'm the poet!
We can't cross a freeway.
It's a freeway!
It stands between us
and Honey it must be crossed.
Diablo, since we probably
only have about five minutes
to live before we're smushed
by a Pontiac Sunfire,
I want to tell you that I know
you only poisoned my
relationship with Jimmy Chonga
because you're in love with me,
and I understand.
Wow.
- Really?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm not feeling it.
Let's just use
the pedestrian overpass.
Chief, I'm sorry I ran off
with Armando.
The question is
why you came back.
Were you choosing me
or not choosing legumes?
This doesn't feel like
the best time to get into
Our feeding rituals
are pretty elaborate.
You've still got some time
before they eat you.
Oh, okay. This wasn't
about you or Armando.
I thought changing things up
would change me.
Honey, you don't need to change.
- But
- Maybe it's okay that you don't speak
a fart language or chase
your tail till you puke.
Maybe that's why we work.
You're perfect the way you are,
and so is our life together,
at least it was
- before the bloodthirsty coyotes.
- Yeah, it was.
- Goodbye, Chief.
- Goodbye, Honey.
Well, well, well, coyotes,
I hope you like your asses,
'cause you're about
to get them handed to you.
♪
Okay, run.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
- Honey!
- Elsa? Max? Shel?
Yes, we're all here.
You don't have to name us all.
- You do for me.
- You came out here to save us?
Well, there were
several motivating factors.
We also heard tell
of a kangopus living out here.
Our original plan was to save you.
But then we got to talking,
and we realized
we're furious at you
and not in the good way.
You were just gonna take off
like that and never say goodbye?
My boyfriend and I feel
very betrayed.
I don't know why it would
matter to Jimmy Chonga.
I'm with Diablo now.
Catch up.
- What?
- Y-you guys are right.
I-I shouldn't have left
without an explanation.
Guys, Honey made a mistake.
- She's only almost human.
- Aw, thank you, Chief.
And as her friends,
I'd hope you'd understand that.
Did she say we're friends?
I forgive you.
- Me too.
- Yeah, totally.
- It's fine.
- What were you just doing?
Um, oh, talking.
Sharing, sharing our feelings.
"Sharing feelings"?
How does it work?
Oh, well, so, okay,
if I were leading you coyotes
in a discussion, um,
I would encourage you to talk
about balancing pack mentality
with individuality.
Apparently some choices
were made by some of you
that others were not
totally on board with.
I didn't want to move to Altadena!
I just said I did because
you seemed excited about it.
I only acted excited about it
because I thought
- you wanted to move here.
- I miss my friends.
- Make new friends.
- Run.
- I think I could be of some use here.
- Honey!
They're they're too close to it!
- They need an objective third party.
- Go!
There'd be a lot more cats.
There'd be a lot of things
Let our friends go
or face the wrath of
Oh, they're gone.
Okay, well, bye!
Was that a slow loris
and a raccoon?
That's a pretty unlikely
animal friendship.
Hey, hey, Kanga, look at me.
We're so much more unlikely
than they are.
They both have fingers.
We have nothing in common.
Except our love for each other.
Huh.
Where's that tentacle going?
Don't worry about it.
Are you sure it's okay for us
to have a night session?
Yeah, Jill's at her aqua
Zumba class,
then she gets
a big Jamba Juice,
then she has to stop at Marshall's
to pee on her way home,
so we can definitely
squeeze one in.
I'm glad we're meeting
because there's something
I need to do.
Diablo, darling,
it's over between us.
Don't embarrass yourself by
begging me to change my mind.
- Okay.
- Ah, that's too bad.
I was really looking forward
to rooting against you guys.
Yeah, we all were.
Chief and I want to thank you
guys for coming to rescue us.
Yeah. Seeing you all come
together to save us made me think.
This is a group
I want to be a part of.
But then I
remembered I'm not a huge dork,
so it's still a pass for me.
And there you have it
another happy ending.
But that's not all.
We have another special treat
planned for you.
What are you doing?
Oh, I was just gonna prove
that I
We're starting a session,
get out of here.
- Yeah, but
- No "problemo."
Just come back
when everyone's asleep.
Leave the barbell.
Just okay, we're just
gonna leave the barbell.
- Go!
- See you next season!
Ha!