I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e11 Episode Script

The only girl I've actually liked in forever was Jane.
Jane.
Yeah.
Steals your pants.
Leaves a fake number Jane.
An actual pre-midnight plan? You sure we're ready for that? She deserves to be a hell of a lot more than just an assistant.
Thanks.
That was really nice.
Actually, I am pretty nice.
Guess I'll have to get used to it.
Someone looks like a girl today.
Oh, right back at you, princess.
Seriously, what's up with the summery best? Does this have something to do with your handsome new photographer colleague? Paul, is it? Look, sometimes a girl just likes to let the hot subway wind blow up her skirt, okay? I knew you liked him.
We've never even hung out outside of work.
It's not a big deal.
So, what you're saying is you're carrying his child.
Yeah, triplets, one of each.
Jason? Jason strider from Clayton high? Whoa, Katelyn Monroe.
It's just Kate now, like Kate Winslet.
Kate, this is my friend, Tina.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Well, so do you live in the city now? Yeah, I moved here last year to become an actress.
You, what are you up to? Actually, I work in casting.
Wow, what are the odds? We're both in the biz.
Embarrassing, I know.
I've become, like, a total musical theatre nerd.
Shoot, I'm late.
And you probably have to go discover a new star for Michael bay's next movie or something.
- I'll Facebook you.
- Cool, yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Wow, I had, like, a huge crush on her in high school.
But, we ran in different circles.
You used to go to town on your underpants pal while picturing Kate in a wet seal tube top.
Don't ruin it, that's a good memory for me.
I still use it sometimes.
Wow, I cannot believe she lives in the city.
That's crazy.
Almost as crazy as you both being in "the biz".
Hey, want me to make you a Dylan's skinny bagel? My nails are great for getting that deep scoop.
No, I'm good, thanks.
Somebody's looking sexy.
Big date? No.
God, do I usually look really crappy at work or something? One dress, and everybody freaks out.
Uh-oh, somebody's dressing up for Paul.
Totally seen you guys having eye sex in the copy room.
You're lucky you can't get pregnant from that because you guys would have, like, a million eye babies.
I'll cream cheese at my desk.
Have fun, you two.
Yeah, let's have fun.
You wanna hide accounts payable Susan's pineapple cottage cheese? Or we can hide the supply closet key so that accounts payable Susan won't have anywhere to bang I.
T.
Trevor.
That's why I never use the memo pads from in there.
They're always disturbingly sticky.
So I need to tell you something.
You have legionnaire's disease? No, I've been talking to this iPad magazine about being their creative director, and they finally came through with an offer.
That's great.
Yeah, except it's in London.
Oh.
W uh, London's an okay place.
I hear they have vegetables now.
Uh, when do you leave? This weekend.
It's all happening super fast.
In fact, I better go tell Maya that I'm quitting.
And I'm not looking forward to the subsequent fallout where she, you know, screams and compulsively lotions her arms and You just slept, like, 14 hours straight.
I know, I needed it.
That was the most grueling semester of my life.
But now it's break time and I've mapped out the perfect schedule.
All I want to do is eat and have sex.
Feel free to join me for either.
Ooh.
Just remember we've got that pottery class on friday afternoon.
Uh, that's the only screening of Dr.
Strangelove - at the film forum.
- Oh.
Well this was a gift from my aunt, and it's non-refundable.
Let me think, uh, Clay or Kubrick? - I'm going Kubrick, babe.
- It'll be fun.
Yeah, it won't.
How about we both go to Strangelove and then on the way home, I buy you a ceramic mug? Come on.
I'll let you ghost me.
Fine, but, I'm Swayze, right? We'll see.
Okay, now we're gonna try a little moisturizer under the eyes.
And we're blotting and we're blotting.
Yeah, just like that.
Now you're thinking, this moisturizer's so great maybe it even tastes good.
So, put your finger in your mouth yes, and suck on it.
Sucking, yeah, put it all the way in, all the way in.
Really nice work.
Suck on it, suck on it hard, joselyn.
Yeah you know what? You're right, it probably wouldn't taste very good.
So, uh, you're all set, joselyn.
Thanks for coming in.
Nice job.
Hey, uh, make a copy of that for me, Jay.
You are a real spitfire, joselyn.
You're my last good-bye.
Don't get all a walk to remember on me, Paul.
You're going to London, not crossing over to the afterlife.
First of all, weird Mandy Moore reference from ten years ago.
And second, I've given this a lot of thought and I want you to have this.
The world's saddest rubber band ball.
I didn't get very far.
Rubber bands make my hands smell weird.
Listen, I also wanted to tell you Tina, Maya is freaking out.
The drive you gave her with the raw handbag images is blank.
Oh, uh, okay, just give me a sec? She's lotioning her arms, teen.
Oh, God, I gotta go deal with this.
- Um - All right.
Have a safe flight, it was Really great working with you.
You too.
Teen! - Com - Uh, yeah, okay.
Bye.
I'm so glad you're here.
I hate showing up to meet a girl by myself.
It's a very fine line between cool lone wolf and creepy loner.
Oh, look, there she is.
The girl you used to pretend your hand was.
Stop it now.
Hi, you.
Mel, this is Jason strider.
We grew up together.
Now he's a casting big shot.
Wow, really? So, like, what's the most important thing you look for in an actress? Oh, you know, it's really just about an x factor.
Or a y factor.
Really just any kind of factor towards the back half of the alphabet.
Hello? Hey, it's Paul.
Yeah, I know, you're in my phone.
I was thinking about changing you to traitor to America, but then I just left you in as work Paul.
Catchy.
So, uh, I feel like we didn't get a chance to say a proper good-bye, and tomorrow's my last night in the city.
So I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out with me.
Yes.
I mean sure.
I was supposed to go to my fight club's pot luck dinner, but I can skip it.
Cool, uh, text me your address.
- I'll pick you up at 6:00.
- Great.
Um, so we're going back to my place to do some catching up.
Is that cool with you? Totally cool.
Go make your high school dreams a reality.
Thank you.
Do you mind if I talk during? Oh, yeah, sure, sounds hot.
My boy's wicked smart.
How do you like them apples? Huh? Good will hunting, 1997.
I am really good with accents.
Oh, yeah, great.
Harry Potter, you are a wizard.
Oh, wow, it's like we're doing it at Hogwarts.
It's one of my specialties.
There's mother snakes on this mother plane.
I can do anyone.
Try me.
Maybe just be you.
But, uh, you in, like, high school.
You know, so you with your braces, I don't know, talking about The OC.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Can you believe they killed Marissa? Perfect.
Hey.
Gotta run to scene class.
Uh, here's my number.
It's on my headshot.
You know, in case you come across any roles that I might be right for.
Call me later, 'kay? Oh, special skills are on the bottom, horseback riding, stage combat, rollerblading.
I'm so glad we ran into each other.
Dude, I'm telling you, she has sex like she's auditioning.
I'm pretty sure she's only sleeping with me because she thinks - I can help her career.
- Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
I mean no offense.
Why would she even think that? Because I kinda maybe let her think I could help her career? You know what, I think you have stumbled into a quid pro quo situation.
- A what? - Quid pro quo.
From the Latin meaning this for that.
What, deli man can't go to college? She gives you sex quid.
You help her with her career quo.
Right, except I can't help.
I have no quo; I'm quoless.
Great.
Okay, I gotta get to my end of semester review or my advisor will tell me how I barely passed.
But I passed, bitches, and then it's nothing but beer and cake for this guy until next semester.
Laters.
You know, I had no quo once.
I slept with a girl who thought I could help her move with my Volvo station wagon, but I had no Volvo.
Was she mad? Don't be ridiculous.
No woman is angry when she does love with me.
Um, they're casting the new love interest in the next spider-man.
I know everyone in town is probably going in for it but, um, do you think you could help me get an audition? Look, Kate, the thing is I could play that role in my sleep.
Yeah, but I'm not Oh, hello, Peter Parker.
Wow, you're swelling up like you got bit by a radioactive spider.
Maybe I should apply direct pressure.
Kate, I I will do my best.
Eric, how do you think you're doing? Well, uh, it was a rough first year, but I think I learned a lot.
White blood cells, body's little warriors.
Am I right? Eric, med school is designed to constantly weed out the weak students.
Right now, you're here, and if you wanna make it, you're gonna need to be here.
Uh, can I just be here? You're very funny.
I'm sure you'll have a great bedside manner.
But, if you don't get your grades up, you may never get bedside.
Next semester, you need to buckle down.
Sir, with all due respect, I don't know how much more buckled I can get.
I rarely go out, I barely talk to my girlfriend Rarely and barely may need to be never.
You wanna make it, you need to focus on school and lose all other distractions.
Have a great break.
So who spends their last night in New York with a girl they barely know? Traveling businessmen, sailors, really anyone who frequents prostitutes.
I wanted to spend tonight with you.
Wow, you're really just putting that out there, huh? Should I do that thing where I pretend to like you less than I do and then contact you in lots of confusing ways till you have no idea if I'm actually interested? That's sort of the way our generation operates.
So if you could just sext me a picture of your penis, I'd feel a lot better.
Okay, but the only one I have of it is from Halloween and it's wearing a sombrero.
We'd better get a move on.
We have dinner reservations at spice market.
What? Meat-packing district? Eww.
Pffft.
No, I have a better idea.
Wow, you were right.
This is perfect.
Totally secluded, right by the water.
Yeah, it's gonna be crazy easy to dispose of your body when I'm done having my way with you.
Just watch the face, 'cause if they ever find me I want an open casket.
We used to drive over this bridge to visit my grandparents when I was a teenager.
My mom would lecture me the whole way about being a better student, being better at piano, talking to her horrible rich friends like a lady.
She sounds fun.
How'd you deal with it? Start lighting fires? I would look out into the city and think, one day, one of those lights will be your apartment light.
And you'll have an effortless sense of style, a badass job, no one will ever be able to tell you what to do ever again.
And that is the most sincere I've been since I sang amazing grace at my hamster's funeral.
Quick, say something so I can make fun of you.
Um, you had a hamster? Really? Don't disrespect Barbara.
She's very special to me.
Hey.
So am I the new Mrs.
spider-man? Whoa, wait, stop.
I need to talk to you and I need you not to do anything sexy while I do it.
I'm not some big shot in the biz.
I am an assistant at jbb casting.
It's a crappy agency where we cast small roles for commercials, and the only person with anything near power is the owner, a weird guy named JB.
Oh huh.
I'm really sorry I misled you.
I don't care.
Really? I mean, yeah, I thought it was good luck that you were in casting, but, I mean, even with all that, even if you just work for some weird but powerful man named JB I mean, we're still having fun, right? We are having fun.
And we're having sex.
Two of my favorite things.
This is me.
I'm gonna miss you, Tina.
Aw, trust me, it's better this way.
You couldn't handle me long term.
I'm loud and temperamental.
I've been know to put clothes before people Maybe we should go upstairs? Actually, I can't.
Oh kay.
No, I mean, I want to, it's just I have to go home and pack.
My flight's at 6:00 am.
Oh.
And the truth is, I didn't pack on purpose.
Because I knew that if I'd pack, then I probably would have gone upstairs with you and then, oops, we're naked and I'm showing you how I can do a split and, no, I just didn't want this whole thing to seem like it was just about sleeping with you.
I thought I'd be gallant, now I feel like an idiot.
I can run home and just throw some stuff in No, it's, um Just perfect, Paul.
Have fun in London.
Maybe we can Skype sometime.
You can, uh, show me your splits.
Sombrero optional.
Oj, huh? No more all-beer diet? By the time I finish med school, I won't even know what beer tastes like.
Eric's professor told him he has to really buckle down.
But it'll be okay, we'll figure it out.
You know, I'll miss him, but, uh, I can always take a gentleman lover.
Probably could and I wouldn't even know.
Anyway, what's going on with you and the actress? Oh, well, I told Kate I have no ability to help her get famous, like, whatsoever.
And then she slapped you? No, nut punch? Oddly, she was totally cool about it.
Turns out she likes me for me.
You for you? Her needs are low.
It's very desirable in a woman.
The thing is, she was so cool about me not being able to help her, it kind of made me wanna help her.
Good for you, boss.
I mean, I can at least try.
I have some connections.
I can do stuff.
- Can you? - Yeah, I think.
I'm gonna do stuff.
Stuff's about to get done.
Okay, guess it's time to Clay it up.
Get our pottery on.
Hey, you know what? I'll go to the class.
You go see Dr.
Strangelove.
- You're serious? - Go have fun.
- You're the best.
- I know.
I'm up there.
You know, Jay, I've been in therapy for 16 years.
But the only person who's ever really understood me is my sandwich guy.
Sweet bologna.
Oh, hey, JB, have they cast that moisturizer spot yet? Nope.
Okay, great 'cause I have somebody that I would like to bring in to audition.
Hmm, I don't know, Jay.
I mean, can she rub lotion on her face? Yes.
Yeah, fine.
She better bring it.
Yeah, so just come by the office this afternoon and JB or I will put you on tape.
Okay, give me a call when you get this, Kate.
Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I just tried this thing called working and, like, it actually worked.
I mean, it's not spidey, but I just got Kate a real audition.
- It's cool, right? - Totally.
You know, I'm nodding my head, but I wasn't really listening.
Sorry, I'm tangled up in me.
That's okay, I know you're bummed about Paul getting transferred.
No, it's fine, it's for the best.
Really, why? We had this perfect night where we could be all mushy and honest because we knew we'd never get a chance to throw it back in each other's faces.
It was like in a walk to remember when Mandy Moore and that dude can have this perfect marriage because they know she's gonna cancer out any second.
First of all, that is the bleakest thing I've ever heard.
Second of all, you have got to see another movie.
I'm very into Mandy Moore right now.
She soothes me.
Please do not let the little kids playing in the park hear your bummer ideas about love.
Somebody's gotta tell them.
Hello? Hello? Hey.
Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
- Pound it.
Pound it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Ooh.
Hey, Stace.
Hey, what happened to Strangelove? I went to the movie theater and I started thinking if I have such little time left You'd rather come here and Swayze me? Uh, no.
Oh, uh, me Swayze you? I was thinking how I'm not gonna have time to do the things I like.
I'm not even gonna have time to do things Like this, that I don't like.
Basically, I'm just not gonna have any time for anything.
Look, I know it sucks.
But you just have to remember it's worth it.
Right? I'm not sure.
What does that mean? It means I'm not sure I wanna stay in med school.
Oh.
Oh, Jay, that sounds horrible.
You should probably straighten out a paper clip and blind yourself.
Yeah, he was going at her like a woodpecker.
Except his beak was the penis and Kate was the tree.
Teen? Tina? You're still here.
So it turns out that publishing is a shrinking industry.
The magazine's investors pulled out at the last minute.
I'm really sorry.
Then why are you smiling? I'm not smiling.
I got botox this morning.
This is just how my face looks when it's settling in.
It's really working for you.
You don't look a day over 43.
Well, the good news is, uh, Maya has agreed to keep me on.
And also it means I can take you out to dinner tonight.
I mean, would you like to have dinner with me tonight at a real restaurant? Yes.
Great.
I'll pick you up here, right by your desk.
Yeah, great.
Whoa.
That was major; I seriously may cry right now.
Relax, Dyl, it's just one date.
It's like you have an instant boyfriend.
- Just add water.
- Yeah, right.
You're gonna be so cute.
You'll have lunch in your cube.
You'll stay at each other's places and joint commute.
You want be Paul and Tina, you'll be Paulina, office super couple.
You'll be together all the time.
I'm happy for you.
And I kinda hate you, but congrats.
You caught a man.
Yeah.