iCarly (2021) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Harper, I need you to take this seriously.
Do you have any fours? Freddie, just go fish.
She's waiting to hear about the job With Double Dutch.
Don't say her name! You'll jinx me.
- Who's Double Dutch? - What did I just say? The aforementioned is an emerging pop star with a million Instagram followers.
She's got the blue check.
Oh, so she's not real world famous, she's just online famous.
- Hey! - Hey! Before you're a household name, - you're a handheld name.
- Yeah.
And handheld names can have long and fulfilling careers dressing up as tacos on their wildly popular Web shows.
Oh, that reminds me, we're doing that sketch later.
I got to go pick up my Taco Tina costume from the cleaners.
Uh, do you need to borrow my car? No.
I have my own car, thank you.
- Or you could take mine.
- I don't have a car, but I can call you an ethical rideshare company, as soon as there is one.
Look, my car is fine.
So what if it goes when I'm going uphill? If I have to walk uphill, I make that noise, too.
It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong.
Hi, I'm Wes.
Uh, I hope you didn't wait too long.
I, I would hate for you to get soggy.
Oh, this? It's just for a silly Internet thing.
I'm Taco Tina.
I'm a taco, but I have all the same problems as any other girl.
Including car troubles? Uh, 'cause according to Quadruple A, you've called a tow truck nine times in the last six months.
What? No, I'm sure it's not that many.
Uh, really? 'Cause you get the tenth tow for free.
Oh, yeah, you know, i-it has been nine.
This guy here is Vin Diesel, 'cause he has a VIN number and he takes diesel.
He takes unleaded.
You haven't been putting diesel in this car, have you? No.
Definitely not.
He probably just needs a new battery.
No, your battery's fine.
But your drum brakes are shot, you have a failed generator, and there's a crack in the engine block.
Oh, is that all? Oh, you wish.
You have a fried distributor, and that air filter is an environmental hazard.
No, that's fine.
I wiped it off last year.
Trust me.
I've been doing this since I was six, and I've been fixing Hot Wheels since I was two.
Okay, but you don't know how tough Vin Diesel is.
I've had him forever, and he's always pulled through.
Be honest, you're just trying to upsell me.
If you want me to be honest, you might want to think about getting rid of this old clunker.
The repairs are gonna cost more than Mr.
Diesel's even worth.
Worth? Worth?! Can you put a price on the perfect drive-through Coke, drunk beneath the stars on a crisp autumn evening? Yes.
And so can most fast food restaurants.
Uh, should we just go back to your place? My place? That's presumptuous.
Your place, as in the place I'm towing your car.
I presume.
$15,000 to fix a car? You could get one-third of a Birkin bag for that.
Purses cost that much? Great, now you got me thinking about purses, which is reminding me of the styling job with Dutch, which I'm trying not to think about.
You brought up the purse! Oh! So now we're blaming the victim? Thank you, Fredward.
I wish there was a way to know if my car really needed all that work or if that mechanic was just trying to take advantage of me.
You could take a auto repair class.
I saw a flyer for one at the community college.
I was there for my investing class.
Investing! Great! Now I'm thinking about this.
Wow, Millicent.
You know, I love this idea.
I can take a car repair class, fix Vin Diesel, and then talk about it on iCarly.
I can't be the only woman who's sick of condescending mechanics.
Hey, it's not just women.
When I got my oil changed, it cost an extra $400 to fix my "shock exacerbater".
What's a shock exacerbater? It is a made-up thing that cost $400.
Well, they're gonna be naming made-up auto parts after me once I ace this class like Hermione freaking Granger.
Hermione Freaking Granger was the title of Dutch's first album! Come on, Carly! Ah, vino.
The serum of truth.
But we already know every single thing there is to know about each other.
I faked it! What? Last night? All of it.
The whole time.
Since I've known you? Since before that.
Guess that makes me feel a little bit better.
I just couldn't keep lying to you a moment longer.
Oh, please don't be upset.
I'm more disappointed in myself.
Is there anything I could've done better? More wiggling? I-I'm here to listen.
Spencer, I faked my own kidnapping.
Oh, thank God.
It's not me, it's you! Okay.
Why'd you do that? When our family lost all of our money, I was being hounded by the paparazzi, bill collectors, the media mostly bill collectors.
So I hopped on a cruise and sailed away.
Suddenly it's all like, "kidnapping this" and "debt forgiveness" that, so Wow.
Now we're even closer than before! Yay! You're not mad? As long as you were never a rodeo clown, we're fine.
Well, that's great.
Do you think Harper will understand? No.
No.
She's gonna kill you and bury you at sea.
I'll lay fresh kelp at your grave.
Wow, look at all these women.
And you.
And that guy.
A camaraderie of sisterhood, joining hands to say, "We can fix it ourselves".
I'm gonna start taking notes now.
You know where class starts, Millicent? In here.
That's your clavicle.
I just can't wait to learn everything there is to know about cars.
I truly am a renaissance person.
But most importantly, I'm gonna get Vin Diesel in tip-top shape.
MTV Movie Award winner for Best Tank Top Vin Diesel? He's in perfect shape.
Oh, my car's name is Vin Diesel.
Yesterday, this guy tried to charge me $15,000 for repairs.
Ugh, the worst.
But you're gonna love the instructor of this class.
He is so patient and smart, and when he shows you how to do a tune-up, it's almost tender.
As long as he's honest.
I just can't take another skeezy scammer, like that guy I met yesterday.
Skeezy scammer? Sounds like a jerk.
Yeah, he sure w Aah! You.
Hi.
Welcome to class, everyone.
Ooh, twinsies.
This is your shop? Yes.
Uh, it was my grandfather's and then my father's and now mine.
Cars run in the family.
So you earned none of this.
Oh, Regina.
Hey, it-it's great to see you again.
If you take this class any more times, you're gonna be the one teaching it.
Can I take a picture of you? Okay, class, let's go ahead and get started.
You know, this class is a sham.
You're giving people false hope.
'Cause then, when they realize they can't fix their own cars, they're gonna crawl back to you and then you can swindle them.
It's just like one of those restaurants that gives you free chips and then charges a ton for guac.
Is that one of Taco Tina's troubles? That's not what's happening here, okay? I-I just like to empower people so that they don't need someone like me to come in and "vansplain".
Vansplain! No matter how many times I hear that, it just gets funnier.
Lady, be cool.
First thing I want to teach you all is how to monitor your vehicle's fluids.
So who wants to come up and help me check the oil? Please, God, I never ask for anything.
How about you, Carly? Fine.
I was just trying to give someone else a chance, since I already know how to do all this, but I suppose I can demonstrate for the good of my peers.
Great.
Then reach on down in and grab the dipstick.
- Seriously? - I didn't name it.
Not it.
I know.
I was just testing you.
Good job.
You passed.
Here, let me just help.
Look, I can do it myself.
Okay, class.
Who can tell me what Carly did wrong? If this doesn't put Harper in the right mood to hear bad news, I don't know what will.
I snagged the limited edition Normani Off Balance sneakers she's been coveting.
You wear them on your hands.
And I got this $2,000 bottle of champagne.
I bought it at an estate sale of someone who went bankrupt buying $2,000 bottles of champagne.
And I framed this photo of our least favorite cousin Roxy.
No matter what I do, I'll always look better in comparison.
Go to hell, Roxy.
She's here.
Hold up.
Flowers? Bubbly? Limited edition Normani Off Balance sneakers! You wear them on your hands.
You two did all this for me? We did, because we love you, and we need to tell you How happy you are that I got the styling job with Double Dutch? Wait.
How did you two already hear? You got the job? You got the job! Oh! There's even a picture of Roxy, to remind me that I'm doing better than her.
My L-F-C-U-M-E-B-M.
L-F-C-U-M-E-B-M? Least favorite cousin unless Maeve ever betrays me.
Back from the dumb auto mechanic class that I'm never going back to.
Flowers? Bubbly? Normani Off Balance sneakers that you wear on your hands? - You got the job! Oh, my God! - Yes! Come here! Oh, yay! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Now that we're all in such a good mood, Maeve has something she'd like to say.
Harper, I just want you to know I am so happy for you! Oh, you know what we need? A champagne shower.
No, no, no! That bottle cost more than my Oh, I actually have a strategy meeting with Double Dutch in the studio, so I can't celebrate right now.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's smart.
Who do we think we are, the Chicago Bulls? So, no champy shou shou? Oh, no, go ahead, just don't get any on me.
Oh, yeah, do Spencer.
Yas! New plan.
We never tell Harper I faked my kidnapping.
I don't want to be the new Roxy.
Fantastic.
We go on happily living our lives.
You and I in romantic bliss, and Harper working her dream job with Double Dutch.
Did somebody say my name? I'm gonna hop, skip, jump right over You guys have a lot of yogurt.
- Are you ? - Double Dutch? The singer/producer/cult icon, once described by Pitchfork as "the most innovative star to be born in the year 1994".
No shade to Bieber, but where is the lie? Yes.
C'est moi.
In the flesh.
I'm here for my strategy meeting with Harper.
I guess, uh, on-the-rise pop stars don't knock.
We don't.
But tell me about this fake kidnapping.
And use a three-act structure, a proper hero's journey, if you will.
Uh, or, or how about none of us speak a word about the kidnapping? Oh, I won't speak a word.
Okay.
But I do love to sing.
Harper's cousin faked her own kidnapping Harper's cousin faked her own kidnapping.
Okay, plan A, I somehow keep Double Dutch from spilling the beans.
Oh, well, then what's plan B? We go to Honduras under the names Terrence and Felicity Tacoma.
We settle in the small town of La Esperanza.
We grow peaches and teach basket-weaving to the children.
I like peaches, but let's start with plan A.
I don't trust that Wes, and I don't need that class.
I already have the greatest teacher in the world: the Internet.
If I can install my own ceiling fan, I can tune up my car.
Great idea, Carly.
I'm sure a 30-second TikTok can fix this death trap.
Millicent might have a point.
Freddie, just hand me that, uh, twisty thingy.
- Okay.
This is no big deal.
- All right.
- No! Ah.
No.
- Whoa.
Hey! I got you! Come on.
Son of a ! You know what? That's okay.
I've almost got it.
Freddie, go check the spark plugs.
- All right.
- Millicent, start him up! Oh! Millicent, stop that! Then you two stop cussing.
Ooh! Okay.
I've got it.
Wow.
Should I start my own auto shop? No, no, no, no! Vin Diesel, are you okay? Carly, you need to call a real mechanic.
Never in a million - Hand me my phone.
- Okay.
Hold this.
Vin Diesel is dying, and I need you to save him.
I don't care how much it costs.
I'll buy every shock exacerbater in this town if I have to.
Carly, I told you when we first met, you shouldn't be driving this car, okay? It-it isn't safe.
Why don't you just get a new one? Because I I just can't, okay? I can't give up on this car.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
- And called me names.
- Yes.
Right.
And should've listened to me from the start.
Oh.
True, I know, that's why I called you.
I am sorry for all those things.
But I am begging you, Wes, please, will you save Vin Diesel? Okay.
I will try.
I'm gonna need you to do more than try.
Actually, trying's fine.
You do you.
Thank you, Wes.
But do it.
The birds represent capitalism.
And the white woman represents well, nothing.
- She's just having a bad day.
- Mm-mm.
No birds.
If I can't fly, no one should be allowed to.
Who's ready for teatime? Spencer, what are you doing? Oh, I just thought you and Dutch might enjoy a formal tea service.
And you were right.
Give me one of them hot hand towels.
- Ooh.
- Oh, anything for you, Harper, and your boss, whose voice is like a classically-trained instrument that she should rest, which is why I brought the tea.
Ooh.
No, thank you.
I don't like beverages that start with the letter "T".
I'm looking at you, tonic water.
Okay.
Thank you, Spencer.
Bye.
No! This look represents the struggle between me and Spencer, apparently.
What is happening and why? Oh.
I just need to do a few repairs in here.
Is that disruptive? Yeah, why don't you just stop the presentation and then email the slides to Dutch.
Who else loves this idea? I don't.
I would like the hammering to stop and for the presentation to continue but better.
Get out.
Now.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, no! Oh! I guess I should stay and clean this up.
- Oh.
- How's it going in here? I spilled the tea.
Oh, Spencer.
Harper, I am so sorry that I faked my kidnapping, but at least now you know.
You what? Oh.
You meant If you'd let me sing it, at least you would've gotten a hit out of it.
It's only been three hours of waiting on Wes to fix Vin Diesel.
How did you handle waiting four years for Maeve? By doing everything I could to find that betrayer.
You know what, yeah, that's a good idea.
Keep busy.
Give me some more ideas.
Okay.
I took out ads in the newspaper, I made the hashtag "Save Maeve" go viral, I even recorded a charity single that went to number 27 on the iTunes chart for songs about missing cousins.
I don't want to do any of that.
Okay.
Give it to me straight.
Did he make it? I did everything I could, but I'm sorry.
Vin Diesel's gone.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Carly, stay with me.
Just because he's gone doesn't mean you are, too.
I just can't believe it.
I mean, he was only 50.
We never even got to take that cross-country road trip together that we always talked about.
Uh, hey, I might be overstepping here, but could this be about more than just a car? It's okay, you can tell me.
Mechanic-client privilege.
My best friend Sam and I saved up and bought Vin Diesel together when I was in college.
She's actually the one who named him.
We went everywhere in that car.
Road trips to Snoqualmie Falls, the exotic jerky emporium over the border in Idaho, out to the forest to search for bigfoot.
- Did you ever find him? - Uh, it's a long story.
But yes.
A couple years ago, Sam moved away, and I just really miss her.
But whenever I'm inside Vin Diesel, I Okay, I'm just gonna say "my car" from now on.
Driving my car, it just helps me feel connected to Sam.
I know it sounds silly.
No, it's not.
What's silly is having a connection and not appreciating it.
What's silly is lying to someone for years and then telling the truth to your brand-new boyfriend before your best friend/cousin! What's silly is faking your own kidnapping.
Like, who does that? Maeve, that's who.
Maeve.
So, there's, like, a whole other thing going on here.
Mind your business.
Anyway, thanks for trying to save my car.
Uh, here.
Let me see.
- How much do I owe you? - No.
Nothing.
Put it toward your new car.
I don't know.
I wasn't really driving a whole lot lately anyway.
That gets a little tired.
Uh, well, maybe you don't need a car.
For example, if you had a date on Saturday night, I bet he would be totally happy to come pick you up.
A hypothetical date? Well, where is he hypothetically taking me? Anywhere you hypothetically want to go.
I believe it was Sir Edmond Dellingsworth who said, - "What is a circle?" - Boo! Lose the sheet already.
All right, all right.
I just wanted to say something with some gravitas.
Behold my latest piece! Wow.
Is this Vin Diesel? Yep! I took Carly's old car, repainted him, and turned it into a new Seat of Sitting for the studio.
Try saying that five times fast.
New Seat of Sitting for the studio.
New Seat of Sitting for the studio.
New Seat of Sitting for the studio.
New Seat of Sitting for the studio.
New Seat of Sitting for the studio.
Yeah, not that hard, dude.
Oh, my God.
Spencer, this is amazing.
Aw.
My car and I had so many good memories, and now we get to make more.
Our secret gum wad's still there.
- Ew.
- Ew.
Sam used this once to keep our seat belts together.
And another time I used it to keep my toes apart after a pedicure.
You know, um, Carly getting a second chance with her car is making me a little jealous.
Oh, 'cause all our cars got repossessed when we lost our money.
Well, thanks for ruining this special moment.
I'm sad now.
No, because she gets to make more memories.
And I want that for us.
Harper, I am so sorry I didn't tell you.
I just didn't know how.
If it means anything, "Save Maeve" was my ringtone.
It was a tastefully mournful bop.
Be brave for Maeve She's lost, not gone forever I'll search across the waves Hope she's not in a grave Save Maeve.