In Living Color (1990) s01e11 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody here is equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Night Court and her own television show.
.
.
Miss Marsha Warfield.
Hi.
I'm Marsha Warfield.
You know, Keenan asked me to come host the show for him tonight.
.
.
and the first thing I'm gonna do is change the way they do things around here.
I'm a get rid of these little tired tramps.
Oh, they gone already.
Good.
'Cause all five of them together don't even add up to one of my cheeks.
But I do wanna keep Mr.
Deejay.
Mm-hmm.
- Come on down here, Mr.
Deejay.
- [Wolf Whistle.]
Oh, yes, you.
Come on down here, doll.
We don't have all day.
That's.
.
.
That's S.
W.
One.
Come here.
Unbutton that shirt.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, let me give you a little help.
Come here.
- I got it.
You got it? Mm.
Isn't he something? Let me see you shake your thing.
Yeah, I'm a get five more like him and put him on my show.
We'll be right back.
Come on, darlin'.
[Man.]
From Hollywood,it's the most nonthreateningblack men on television.
.
.
The Brothers Brothers.
- Whoo! - Whoo! Hit it, Tom.
My brothers a brother and so am I Or so it appears to the casual eye The networks want blacks but they don't want them real So Oreos like us get a hell of a deal So it's hi-dee-ho to prime time we go With a "Hey, you jive turkey" and a "What do you say, bro" Our scripts and our acting are whiter than snow We're brothers who are brothers and we have our own show - Hey, Tom.
- Yes, Tom? Uh, wait.
How can we both be named Tom? - Easy.
We're named after our uncle.
- [Rim Shot.]
- Oh, boy.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Spike.
- Spike who? Hope it's not Spike Lee, that little troublemaker.
[Together.]
What's his problem? So it's hi-dee-ho as I pick out my 'fro We all play the same parts whatever the show The guys are all pimps and each chick is a ho If we just sell out we'll be rolling in dough - Say, Tom.
- Yes, Tom? - Did you know Mother was coming to live with us? - There goes the neighborhood.
Bill Cosby's a doctor with a lawyer for a wife As black folks all know it's the average life A six-bedroom house and a really cute pup His kids don't do drugs and they don't get knocked up - Uh, Tom.
- Yes, Tom? - What's black and white all over? - [Chuckles.]
Us.
- Whoo-hoo! - [Rim Shot.]
With a hi-dee-ho and "What's happenin', dude" To show you our real self would only be rude It's a whole different world till our ratings get low We're brothers who are brothers and we have our own show We're brothers who are brothers and we have our own show [Together.]
Good-bye.
[Man.]
The Brothers Brothers Comedy Hour is brought to youby White Out.
If you can't see it,you can pretend it doesn't exist.
Can't touch this Can't touch this Can't touch this My, my, my My pants so baggy When I move, it ain't hard make you wanna say, Oh, my Lord Hey, Hammer, do you really have a weenie With pants like that you look like a genie They give me a real nice breeze Like a big, red hammock on the coconut trees They're cool now Are you gettin'my driftI'm dry where it countsIt's a super fresh lift I'm jumpin' and groovin' and such and this is the dance you can't touch Break it down Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Watch out, baby.
Hey, get me out.
I can't see nothin'.
Whoa.
! Help.
! Whoa.
! Help me.
Get me out of this thing.
[Yells.]
Stop.
Hammer time.
Every time you see me the Hammer's on a roll Even with my head stickin' out the zipper hole The ladies think I'm hype they copy everything I do It's Hammer, yo, Hammer MC Hammer, go Hammer until there's something new Can't touch this Yeah, boy Can't touch this - I just love these old horror movies, don't you? - Yeah.
- I must have at least seen this one 50 times.
- Which one you like better? [Man.]
We at Cine-Globe Theatres knowthat nothing is more annoying.
.
.
than having to listen to a moviewhile people in the theater are talking.
- [Arguing.]
- That's why we turn downthe volume on our movies.
.
.
so that you canreally hear yourselves talking.
- [Man #2.]
Don't go in there.
! - Don't open that door, stupid! Whoo! Don't take off that hood now.
He's going to turn into the fly, right now.
Watch.
Watch.
He's a fly! I told ya not to take off that hood.
- [Chattering.]
- [Indistinct.]
- [Louder Chattering.]
- I want him! He's so fine! Would the people who are speaking please be quiet? - I'm trying to watch the film.
- Who is this guy? Come on.
You're up, and you're outta here.
- [Jeering.]
- He took my armrest.
[Man.]
Cine-Globe Theatre.
Admission may be reducedif no movie is showing.
[Blues.]
Thank you very much.
All right.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Calhoun Tubbs.
Known to my friends as Hard Fingers.
See, that's 'cause back in 1947.
.
.
I once played the guitar for over 36 hours straight.
.
.
for no reason at all.
That's right.
I wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
I played guitar for 36 hours for no reason at all [Vocalizing.]
Thank you very much! You know, I'd like to welcome y'all to my 75th anniversary show.
That's right.
Seventy-five years in the business of the blues.
Still trying to make it.
I wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.
Seventy-five years in show business And I'm still trying to make it [Vocalizing.]
Thank you very much! All right.
Now you know, I done known all the greats.
Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf, John Lee Hooker.
But I ain't never played with none of'em.
No.
But I used to see 'em walking down the street.
I'd say, "How you doin', Wolf?" Ain't never waved back.
I even knew Stepin Fetchit.
Boy, that boy talked just like a white boy.
.
.
when he wasn't working.
But, you know, I believe he was kind of like a genius that way.
I wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.
Stepin Fetchit was a genius Talk just like a white boy [Vocalizing.]
Thank you very much! But, you know, I'm gonna let y'all in on a secret.
See, you got to have you a gimmick to make it in the business of music.
I done had me several gimmicks in and throughout my illustrious career.
They first used to call me "Peg Leg" Calhoun.
But that didn't work out too good 'cause my feet swole up something awful.
.
.
sittin' on my kneecaps all day.
That's when I switched to "Blind Boy" Calhoun.
That worked like a charm, man.
But these damn hoodlums stole all the pennies out my cup.
I ain't writin' no song about that.
But I think I could right now.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.
They used to call me Blind Boy Calhoun, but they stole all my pennies [Vocalizing.]
Thank you very much! I know what y'all are saying.
You saying.
.
.
"This old man, he don't never finish his songs.
" Now, see, that's kinda like my new gimmick.
Now, so far, I done wrote over 12,000 new songs.
.
.
and ain't none of'em longer than 13 seconds.
But, you know, the music business keep passing me by, man.
Yes, sir.
But I gotta look on the bright side.
I figure I've been a success at being a failure for over 75 years.
Now that's saying something, ain't it? Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.
I've been a success at being a failure for over 75 years [Vocalizing.]
Thank you very much! Hello again.
This is film vault king Ted Turner.
.
.
doing whatever I please with more classic films.
This is the original print of The Grapes of Wrath.
Gonna put it in those little View-Masters and try to market them.
.
.
with pictures of the California Raisins on 'em.
Now, I understand a lot of you people have an innate respect.
.
.
for the artist's original vision.
But I have something you don't have: A receipt of purchase.
[Blows Raspberry.]
Now here's another film I've worked the old colorizing magic on.
Might like it.
Might not.
Either way, I'll sleep like a baby.
Tune in next time for my new colorized classic, The African Queen.
.
.
starring Little Richard.
Seems like a natural, doesn't it? I'm still Ted Turner.
Jane, I'll be right over.
.
.
as soon as I floss my teeth.
[Rap.]
[Man Speaking.]
[Rapping.]
[Man.]
The plaintiff, Hacbad Macbar.
.
.
manager of an all-nightconvenience store.
.
.
claims he lost businessand suffered undue anguish.
He is seeking damagesin the amount of $850.
The defendant.
.
.
where is he? Don't push me.
I'll see you in court.
[Man.]
The defendant, Anton Jackson,is countersuing.
.
.
for loss of incomeand emotional distress.
The amount he's seekingis.
.
.
$5? All rise, the HonorableJudge Wapner presiding.
- Court is in session.
- [Loudly Clears Throat.]
Excuse me, Your Majesty.
[Blows Nose.]
As you can see, I do not have any representation.
I tried calling Jacoby and Myers.
.
.
but they wanted a retainer.
And I wasn't about to give up my jockstrap to nobody.
So, I'd like to act as my own "executioner" on this here case.
Mr.
Jackson, I assure you you'll have plenty of opportunity.
.
.
to defend yourself when the time comes.
But, for now, you'll have to assume the proper position.
Ah, man.
Again? Damn.
Look, I assure you, the choke hold won't be necessary.
- Mr.
Jackson.
- What? I mean go back to your proper place in the courtroom.
If you need an interpreter, I'll get one for you.
- Okay.
- Now, let's start with the plaintiff.
.
.
- Mr.
Maca.
.
.
Mac.
.
.
- Macbar.
- Mr.
"Coc-Mac.
" - Macbar! - State your case.
- Well, Your Honor, okay.
Last Wednesday, I noticed we were running low on beer.
I go back to my freezer.
.
.
one of the finest freezers in Southern California, may I.
.
.
Objection, Your Honor.
That's pure conjecture.
Sustained.
I'm just as surprised as you.
- Let's continue Mr.
.
.
"Knapsack.
" - Macbar! - Whatever.
- Anyway, I go into the freezer to get some beer.
I see this man sitting on the ice machine.
.
.
changing his underwear.
Several other customers saw this too.
They start running out of the store.
.
.
and I lose much money.
Your Honor.
.
.
[Clears Throat.]
I'd like to explain myself to you.
I was merely trying to find some privacy, you understand? I was changing for my second show.
See, that's what I do.
I'm a street performer.
As a matter of fact, I was once held over at Carnegie Hall.
For how long? Until the police arrived? [Laughing.]
That was a good one, Your Honor.
"Till the police arrived?" - [Laughing.]
- Mr.
Jackson.
I'm gonna put that in my act.
That's pretty good.
- May I approach the bench, Your Honor? - I guess so.
- You see, I wouldn't.
.
.
- Whoa! Oh, 'scuse me, Your Honor.
I just had some leftover Chinese food.
Mr.
Jackson, one more outburst like that, and I'll clear this courtroom.
One more outburst like that, and I'm sure the courtroom will clear.
You were making a point? Oh, yeah.
That's right.
My point.
Exactly, exactly.
- I got something way up.
.
.
You ever get one that.
.
.
- Try this.
- Yeah, that worked.
That's good.
- You keep it.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
My case.
Okay.
Now I need to, furthermore, get my evidence together.
- Put everything out.
- He seems to have come prepared.
Here it is.
Allow me to introduce exhibit "A.
" - What the hell is that? - These are my underwear.
And these are the same drawers I had on.
.
.
at the night in question.
The night when Mr.
.
.
[Makes Hawking Sound.]
over there.
.
.
That's right.
Mr.
Lungies kicked me in my ass.
- You're out of order! - That's what I'm trying.
.
.
You're out of order, Mr.
Jackson! I'm out of order? You're out of order.
Mr.
"Mac-haks" out of order.
The whole damncourt system's out of order.
! Oh, that was a scene from And Justice For All.
You know, I went up for that part, but they blackballed me.
- You wanna see? - Look, here's $20, okay? Here's 20 bucks, get out of my courtroom.
Don't ever come back.
- Well, thank you, Your Honor.
- This court is adjourned.
I need that.
Here comes the defendant now.
Uh, Mr.
Jackson? - What? - Mr.
Jackson, uh, how do you feel about the ruling on.
.
.
Oh, God! What is that smell? - [Mumbling.]
- Nah, this interview is over.
Join me next week on Poor People's Court.
.
.
Can I sing a song? [Singing.]
- Yeah! - All right, thank you.
I wanna thank our special guests.
.
.
Where y'all at? Come on out here.
Our guest dancers, The Soul Brothers.
Thanks for dropping in.
See y'all next week.
Get outta here.
You can do what you wanna do In living color