InSecurity (2011) s01e11 Episode Script

Impressive.
Peter McNeil, NISA.
Don't even think about it.
Ooo, nice stall.
- Federal Agents! - Nobody hack! You're coming with us.
DAD: Here comes the ice cream monster! Hon? Boy, you Dutch sure like your orange.
We're proud.
Lose a lot of agents with the outfit, but we're proud.
All right, here's the deal.
We caught three of your guys spying in our country.
You want them back, return us our agent.
I suppose six months torturing your poor little NISA agent is enough.
Next time don't spy on the Dutch! Hey, guys.
How do ya like my beard? Well now the sun ain't shinin' no more I don't know why but I've seen it before Ain't got no joy No man to lean on He leaves my soul on the floor like a doll Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Hey guys, we're all set up.
Burt's gonna be here soon.
Oh, the party's in here.
The Finger Screen has arrived.
All the function of a computer, a phone, and a camera In the space between two fingers.
He won't stop playing with it.
Bigger, smaller, sideways.
- It's awesome.
- Wow, that is cool.
No one told me we were developing this.
Ah, secrets, Alex.
This agency's built on them.
My alcoholic grandfather told me that right before he promoted me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tiger! This prototype is worth 15 mil.
Plus I've almost got the Fatbooth app loaded.
Come on, we should lock it up.
Good call.
A lotta countries are after this.
No one else has it.
Gotcha! Haha! Fat JoJo coming up.
Peter.
Okay, okay.
Zzzuup! Putting away the awesome.
- Hey, Burt! - Hey-aay, wow! Wow.
There he is.
Welcome back old friend.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
- Whoa.
- Ah.
Thanks.
It's good to be back.
Oh, here.
I got you something.
How sweet.
That's not my body.
No.
I didn't have any pictures of us together.
Well, it's the thought that counts.
CLAUDE: Hi, Burt.
Hey.
Um, I-I got you this.
Oh, a stapler.
Thanks.
It's yours.
Yeah.
Well, thanks again.
Oh, ah, I also got you this.
- My lamp? - Yes.
- Just give him all of his stuff back.
- Fine.
I'll miss the tape caddy the most.
So what are we doing for Burt? Just sushi, some snacks.
Oh, and this great How to Integrate Yourself Back into Society After Being Imprisoned DVD, narrated by John Cleese.
No, I meant as far as surveillance goes, keeping an eye on him.
Surveillance on Burt? That's harsh.
He just got back.
He's been the prisoner of a foreign agency for six months.
- I don't need a mole in my shop.
- Come on, it's Burt.
He's hardly smart enough to be a single agent - Let alone a double agent.
- Really? Is he the dumb one or is he so smart he's been playing us? He's the dumb one.
Still, doesn't hurt to be thorough.
So what do we got? Tracking chemicals baked into his welcome-back cupcakes.
You can put a tracking device in a cupcake? Little tip.
Don't eat the vowels.
- So, captive for six months.
- Yeah.
How was it? Lonely.
Dark.
Kinda spider-ey.
A room? A box? A pit? My favourite was the pit.
N'udu, the man just got back.
No, no.
It's okay.
It's probably good for me to talk about it.
Start at the beginning, leave out no detail.
Well, they kept me in a small room, by myself, Really, maybe it's better to keep it all inside.
No heat.
A couple times I woke up next to frozen rats.
Then they made me eat the frozen rats.
They're not so bad once you get past the texture Of the tail and the cold little feet.
All right, that's enough.
What's with him? No one knows for sure.
Rumour has it he was captured And spent time in a Siberian prison.
Really? Tell me more.
Leave out no details.
He won't talk about it.
I've tried everything.
Alcohol, truth serum, shock treatment.
His mind's a fortress.
Here, I made these for you.
Eat them.
Thanks, JoJo.
Did you miss me? Just eat them.
And, yes, despite myself.
- Really? How much? - Don't push it.
- I heard there was a funeral for me.
- How was it? - I heard good things.
- You didn't go? I baked cupcakes for your return, instead.
You didn't go because you never gave up hope that I was still alive.
Yes.
Eat a cupcake.
Being alone in this room must remind you of your captivity.
Not really.
I'm just warming up a raspberry flakie.
I don't trust JoJo's cupcakes.
Of course.
Warming it up to fight the Siberian chill that's penetrated your bones.
Well, if I tell you what happened, I am all ears.
Remember, include every detail.
Twenty-eight years ago I was working undercover As a surgeon in Moscow, when my cover was blown By one of the Russian models I was dating.
The middle of the night, three models in, I was jumped by a dozen KGB agents And shipped to a work camp in Siberia.
I can still feel my frostbitten fingers Clutching the cold ice pick in the dark frozen coal mine, Sucking on an icicle for warmth.
- It sounds horrific.
- Yes, it was.
I'm jealous.
Tell it again.
Mmm.
Mm, Alex.
I made you something while I was in Dutch prison.
Oh, thanks.
What is it? It's a little you, made out of rat bones.
Oh, thanks.
I'm really sorry about what happened.
But I want you to know, we never gave up hope.
Except for the memorial service.
Yeah, kinda jumped the gun on that one.
That guy, Richard, is just a temp.
No, I get it.
It was all pretty crazy.
One minute I'm sitting in a quaint little Amsterdam cafe Eating a stale brownie, The next I'm in a Dutch prison wearing nothing but underpants.
I think they were mine.
You're back now in your own undies And that's the important thing.
If there's anything I can do.
I wouldn't mind stepping out for a few hours.
A few things fell through the cracks while I was in a foreign prison - For six months eating meals out of a bucket.
- Really sorry.
- Just fighting this whole eviction thing.
- That's terrible.
I mean, sure, I thought NISA woulda covered it While I was locked away in the service of my country, but that's cool.
Take as much time as you need.
Thanks.
Oh, Richard, um, we need to talk.
Alex, do you know where Burt is? Yeah, he went home to talk to his landlord.
Poor guy's getting evicted.
I think I'm gonna have to fire Richard.
Maybe not.
The cupcake tracker just came online.
And it appears that Burt is walking around Little Holland right now.
What? We have a Little Holland? Yeah, sketchy part of town full of stoners on bicycles.
- N'udu, call Burt.
- I'm on it.
You've reached Barry Bev And Burt.
And we're the Wilsons.
Leave a message.
Burt lives with his parents? Why would he lie to me? He's a mole! I'm not sure what is worse, That he's a mole or that he lives with his parents.
- Parents.
- Definitely.
So, how are things at your apartment? Not bad.
It looks like my landlord won't evict me after all.
You live with your parents.
Ah, well, evicted might be the wrong word.
My parents have converted my bedroom into a storage space For their hockey gear.
They're moving me into the shed.
Oh, really? And you were just sorting all that out, In Little Holland? - Uh - Busted.
- He's a mole.
- Dutch style.
I'm not a mole.
If you must know, you nosey sneaks, I was in Little Holland to get pancakes.
Yeah, sure.
Excuse me if I developed a taste for Dutch food while you abandoned me in a damp prison for half a year.
You awful, awful people.
Ya.
It's me, Agent Orange.
Right on time.
Listen closely.
You have one hour to give us a hand job.
What? You know, the NISA technology.
You do jobs on it with your hands? Oh, the Finger Screen.
Ya, ya.
In Dutch, we say hand job.
It doesn't quite translate.
Look, Hans, it's heavily protected.
It's gonna take me a while No excuses.
We must have it.
Canada's reign as world superpower will soon be over.
You have one hour! JoJo.
This is Richard and Vanessa from the PM's office.
I told them I'd give them a demo of the Finger Screen.
Oh, sure.
Let me just initialize the disarming sequence.
- Oh, dang it! - Something wrong? Uh, my stapler doesn't work.
Oh.
I'll take it.
Nah, nah, no.
PETER: Wait until you guys see this thing.
The PM's gonna wet himself.
JOJO: The Finger Screen sits on a weight-sensitive plate.
One milligram off and the whole room fills with gas.
It's extremely secure.
Check it out.
Just drag and drop with your nose.
Alex.
You gotta see this hilarious YouTube video.
I really don't have time.
It's got a lion cub.
Not now, Burt.
Makin' friends with a bunny.
Aa-ah, sweet.
Mmhmm.
Hey, everybody, come check out this video.
It's three minutes long, but, trust me, The good stuff comes at the end, the very end.
You might think it's over, but it's not.
So, you gotta stay for the end, all the way to the end.
Bunnies! Aww-aw! Awww! Oh! Oh my God, that was disgusting.
Bunnies everywhere.
Let's watch it again? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, back to work.
Wait.
- Hm? - No.
No.
Yeah.
Hah.
I can't believe that worked.
Why would you do that with your baby? Hey, guys! Where's the Finger Screen? Tanya and Brooke are jazzed to see it.
I've got it.
I'm on my way.
Excellent work, Agent Orange.
But if I'm not in possession of the hand job in 20 minutes, your parents will die.
I wanna talk to them.
Make it snappy.
The clock is ticking.
Burtie? Dad! Are you okay? Don't give into these Dutch bastards.
- Your mother and I had a good run.
- I'm ready to die for this country.
Mom, no! Besides, I've cooked up a little scheme.
Don't do anything stupid.
The second one of these bozos has his back turned, I'm gonna take the kitchen knife to him, Jason Bourne-style.
Sounds like a solid plan.
Okay, that's enough.
Jorgi, put the kitchen knives away.
Tick-tock, little soldier.
Oh, you bastards.
You bastards! JoJo, do you have a lock on Burt? Got him.
He's heading south on Bank.
Sure about that? Because you seemed pretty sure About your box of gassy lasers over there.
I thought it was foolproof.
It wasn't even Burt proof.
I thought you were some kinda genius or somethin'.
It's like while Burt was gone I became less intelligent.
I musta relied on his idiocy to scare me smart.
Take the reins before I compromise us all.
Oo-ho-kay.
Back in the saddle! So what are we lookin' at, here? Is the green thing us? Okay, let's split up.
- You guys go that way, I'll head this way.
- Okay.
Claude, maybe your experience in Siberia Could help us understand Burt's frame of mind.
Oh, I don't think so.
- What experience? - Nothing.
Claude is being modest.
He suffered a terrible ordeal in Siberia.
Is that what he told you?, I may have exaggerated a bit.
Siberia was a Russian restaurant on Wellington Street And he locked himself inside a walk-in fridge.
It was still cold.
He was stuck in there over the long weekend.
For months after that we called him Mr.
Freeze.
This is very disappointing.
It was hilarious.
We found him Monday with his clothes stuffed with cabbage.
Remember? It was lettuce and it saved my life.
Come on.
Okay team, the little blinky light just turned right onto 5th.
For those who don't know, Burt is the light.
That's right, right? What happened? I don't know.
We've lost the signal.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I thought I put enough tracking powder in those cupcakes to make Burt sterile.
Something must be messing with the signal.
Are you sure you put enough anti-tracking powder On Burt's pancakes? Ya.
I put enough in to shrink his testicles To the size of lingonberries.
- This way! - No, over here! There he is! I got you! Where did you get this? Some guy paid me 20 bucks to wear it.
Pretty cool, right? Don't say "cool" around my friend.
He's done some hard time in a refrigeration unit.
Okay, that's enough running for today.
You don't understand.
Oh, I understand.
You're upset we didn't rescue you sooner.
Hey, man, we all have our workplace gripes, But air them out in my office, use the suggestion box.
The Dutch have my parents! - Not Barry and Bev.
They're like cute garden gnomes.
- I know.
Okay, we'll figure something out.
- There's no time! - Hey! I'm sorry.
Don't follow me.
Oh, I can't wait to fill out employee evaluations this year.
- Mom.
- Burtie! Right on time, little man.
Where's the Finger Screen? Don't do this, boy.
Dad, it's okay.
Here.
Now, untie my parents.
Oh, God.
My son has committed treason.
He's gone the way of his Uncle Ronnie.
HANS: Oh, my goodness, this thing is as awesome as I predicted.
Oh-ho, Fatbooth! - What's this? - Use it.
How do I close this? Hans? - Jorgi, run! - Hey! You can thank Mr.
Jackie Chan for this, Dutchie! Hi-ya! Aim at his head, Bev, so he knows it's a kill shot! Copy that.
How ya doin', Burtie? Just need a few more minutes with this guy.
- Aaaah! - I'm no one's patsy, you hear me? - I hear ya, Burt.
- Alex? Alex! I haven't seen you since Burt's job interview.
Come on.
This way.
We've got to get the Finger Screen.
Drop your weapons or Pancake Boy gets it! Where the hell are we? I smell something.
Whoa.
Watch out, dude.
Stoner on bike.
Dear God! We're in Little Holland! Pancakes.
This way! Open the gas.
JORGI: This is what you get for not honouring a bargain.
In three minutes the detonator will go off, Igniting the gas, and then Boom! Thank you for the hand job.
I can explain that.
What happens in captivity stays in captivity.
It looks like the end of the line for the Wilson clan.
Stay positive, Barry.
I never thought it'd end like this.
- You too, Bev.
- Me too.
I thought it'd be the three of us watching TV like always.
Well, if we gotta go, I, for one, am gonna go singing.
So long, Wilsons BARRIE, BEV: So long, Wilsons BARRIE, BURT, BEV: So long, Wilsons, We're sad to see you go Nobody's going anywhere.
We are going to get through this.
I will not die chained to you people! Okay, JoJo, what should we do? Don't ask me.
My I.
Q.
can't be trusted.
I might as well be in pyjamas Watching Monster Trucks on pay-per-view right now.
I can't believe the Dutch are going to win! No.
The Dutch never win! We won! We won! Oh, hello, NISA losers.
Were you just phoning to cry? No.
Calling to warn you.
One click of this button and the Finger Screen will self-destruct.
You're bluffing.
Am I, Dutch boy? We have a self-destruct button on this, right? - Yes, but it isn't just a button.
- What is it? Two buttons.
FEMALE VOICE: Begin destruction sequence.
All right, let's do this.
The Dutch Never win! In three, two, one.
Destruction.
Do the square! Do the square! I can't.
It's gone.
Burt, gimme your wrists.
Eeuw.
What is that? Rat Bone Alex.
You kept it! Just hold still so I can pick the handcuffs.
Good job, Alex.
She's a keeper, Burtie.
Uh, we're not seeing each other.
That's what all the ladies say about the Wilson boys.
I had to drag this one to the altar.
It's true.
- Friend or foe? - Friends, Dad.
So you're Burt's parents.
Nice to meet you.
- What's that smell? - Gas.
Guys, the detonator! Inside, everyone! Hurry! Quick! Quick, quick, quick! Come on, come on, come on! Quick, quick, quick.
Come on, Claude.
I can do this.
Who am I? I'm Mr.
Freeze.
Everybody down! Whoo hooo! This is the life, eh, Bevver? Is everyone okay? No.
The handle's stuck.
We're trapped.
Quick, stuff as much lettuce as you can Down your pants.
Quick! Let's go.
Sorry we couldn't save the Finger Screen.
- I bet the PM's office is upset.
- Nah.
The PM loves it when he gets to stick it to the Dutch.
Wow, really? Yeah.
He's sick of attending these Liberation Day events every year.
Eight-hour flight just to go wave to a buncha 90-year-olds.
I told ya, the freezer is hell.
I wish it was hell.
At least it would be warm.
Now, would you mind pouring coffee over my toes? They're frozen solid.
And this is my desk.
Oh, right at the front, close to the turlet.
Prime real estate.
- Thank God you're back.
I'm nothing without your stupidity.
- Thanks, JoJo.
JoJo, the one who has a crush on you.
- Mom! - What? We're very happy your son is back.
We promise we won't lose him again.
Oh, don't you worry.
We Wilsons are hard to get rid of.
Hel-lo Wilsons Hel-lo Wilsons Hel-lo Wilsons We'll always be around Just the ladies