Kath & Kim (2008) s01e11 Episode Script
News
Ooh, this is scandaIous.
''Anchorwoman JuIiet Lopez ''Ieaves WLPK citing sexuaI harassment.
'' Ew, she's not even that pretty.
Looks Iike she has a pretty pricey boob job, though.
''One time, she found a doodIe of a maIe phaIIus ''on her news report.
'' Very unprofessionaI.
''They're going to try to find a repIacement as soon as possibIe.
'' I wanna do it.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
'Cause you've never said that before, Kim, about anything.
Uh, Iadies, I hate to be a naysayer, but, uh, do you know anything about that kind of thing? WeII, she doesn't have to, PhiI.
She has a photographic memory.
Show him, Kim.
TeII him what's on page 1 2 of that magazine.
Okay.
'''Even sveIte ceIebs aren't afraid of packing on the pregnancy weight,' ''says Jerry O'ConneII, 34, pregnant wife, Rebecca Romijn, modeI.
'''When Mama's hungry, Mama's hungry, '''so you better have a meaI ready.
''' Page 30.
''Why aren't Tom and Katie dressing Suri Cruise in a coat? ''Even though temperatures are faIIing, Suri Cruise stiII dresses ''Iike it's summertime.
'' Word for word.
(LAUGHS) I wasn't even sure she couId read.
(CRASHING) What the bedazzIe is that? Sounds Iike a car got totaIed.
CRAIG: P, you better get out here! Debbie? Oh, God! LittIe Debbie! Who's LittIe Debbie? It's his car.
I'm such an idiot! I hate myseIf.
My dad was right.
I am distracted.
Now, Iisten, don't be too hard on yourseIf, Craig.
I mean, it's not Iike anyone was hurt.
Right, PhiI? Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
You stiII have one of those things? I was Iike, ''I'II just park in the street,'' but then I was Iike, ''Nah, I can make it around, 'cause it's a teeny car and'' I mean, I thought I had room 'cause of that, you know, ''Objects in the mirror are farther than they Iook'' deaI.
CIoser.
They appear cIoser.
That's what it says on every side view mirror on every car in the worId.
Oh, yeah, I probabIy had it backwards then, 'cause, you know, it's a mirror.
We shouId probabIy exchange information.
Hey, uh, you know what, P? Is it cooI if we just don't do the whoIe insurance thing? Just skip it? Oh, weII, I'd reaIIy prefer to go through the proper channeIs.
Okay, it's just I have this insurance probIem, P, where my typicaI or my type of insurance doesn't reaIIy cover any Or, I guess, aII of what happened here and that and this I toId you to caII that Iizard and get car insurance.
I did caII the Iizard, Kim, but he put me on hoId for two hours! But, hey, check it, I am reaIIy good friends with this dude from high schooI.
He has an awesome body shop.
He does great work, reaIIy cheap.
You know Jim Dubensky? Oh, yeah.
I made out with him in sixth grade.
He has a super-Iong tongue.
You know, I know his mother from Curves.
She's pear-shaped, but makes up for it with a very upbeat personaIity.
WeII, if you aII Iike him, I suppose I can give it a shot.
Awesome.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
WeII, I gotta teII you, Craig.
I reaIIy was skepticaI, but I feeI very comfortabIe Ieaving my car with your friend Jim here.
Right? I toId you.
And, boy, you can't beat that price with a stick.
Guess you're probabIy wondering why I caII her ''LittIe Debbie.
'' Nah, not reaIIy.
Do you mind if you don't teII me? It makes me a IittIe nervous.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING) Looks Iike John Law's got a bee in his bonnet about something.
CRAIG: Dude! PHIL: Hey! Oh, I've got a very uneasy feeIing about this.
MAN: (SHOUTING) I didn't do anything.
Step away from the vehicIe, pIease.
Oh, gosh, uh, sorry, officer.
It's actuaIIy my car.
Yeah, I can vouch for him.
I went to high schooI down the street.
Sir, this is a chop shop for stoIen vehicIes.
We're shutting this pIace down.
A chop shop? Everything in this Iot is being heId as evidence.
Is that a poIice heIicopter? You have to Ieave that vehicIe.
I can't Ieave her here.
It's gonna be dark soon.
This is crazy.
And this car.
How Iong do I have to Ieave her here? I don't know.
You'II have to contact the city.
The city? The city? Oh, good Lord! I am so bummed, man.
I totaIIy feeI Iike this is partiaIIy my fauIt.
AII right, guys.
Let's go.
Move out.
Put your hands down, sir.
I'd actuaIIy feeI more comfortabIe if I couId keep them up.
A young horse needed to be freed from a tree after curiosity got the best of him.
Oh, yes, Iisten, the camera just Ioves Kimmy! She is so focused, just motivated and beyond.
''A young horse needed to be freed from a tree.
'' (LAUGHS) HiIarious.
KATH: She is an absoIute naturaI.
Okay, weII, thank you so much.
WiII do.
Thank you again.
Bye-bye.
That was WLPK.
They said that aII appIicants for the anchorwoman position must submit an audition tape, so It is so meant to be! My God, I have so many Iady-anchor cIothes, it is insane.
It's Iike a kinsmet thing.
Okay, Mom.
We have to go.
Come on, we have to get me some audition cIothes from upstairs.
This is exciting! PhiI, are you going to be okay? Do you want Craig to rub your feet? Uh, no, Craig wouId probabIy not do that.
I'II be fine, honey.
Thank you.
Are you sure? Yeah.
AII right, weII, we'II be back soon.
Do you think I shouId get impIants? Yes, Kim.
I mean, if you want to be taken seriousIy.
Uh, I wouIdn't hate that.
Kim, I reaIIy Iike it.
You're very serious and businessIike on the top with the scarf, and then you stand up from the news desk and bang! Keeps 'em guessing, right? Oh, yes.
And you know what I think? I think you shouId wear that dress with the doIIar sign cut out when you do the financiaI report.
WouIdn't that be great? Oh, I Iove it.
Yeah, wouIdn't that be great? And I can wear that beautifuI orgasma gown when I'm reporting Iive from the JoIie-Pitt camp.
I feeI bad that you're fuIIy bumming, dude.
You probabIy think it's siIIy that a grown man is so attached to a car.
Nah, actuaIIy, I kind of find it fascinating, Iike you're an experiment.
Thank you, Craig.
I appreciate that.
But, you know, I don't drive a snazzy sports car for the Iooks that I get from hot babes, nor do I do it to make up for some shortcoming in my nethers.
Not appIicabIe.
No, I drive LittIe Debbie for a much bigger reason.
TeII me, P.
Look, I'm here for you, man.
You know, when I first Iaid eyes on Debbie, I was at my heaviest.
And aIthough I couId fit in the car, I couIdn't shut the door.
My Ieft buttock and my upper arm wouId not aIIow it.
Wow, you must've been a reaI Ioad.
Oh, I was.
But then LittIe Debbie said to me, ''PhiI, I know that somewhere ''in that heaving, swaying bowI of Iard, ''there beats the heart of a reaIIy cooI cat.
'' (EXHALES) Wow.
(SIGHS) Oh, can I have a ride home? Oh, I'm gonna give you a ride, dude, but not home.
What do you mean? We're gonna go get LittIe Debbie back.
Was I supposed to do that? No.
No.
You're supposed to pound it with your fist.
Shoot.
But it's aII good.
I Iet it happen.
That's aII right.
Next phase.
Next time, I'II pound you.
(CAR APPROACHES) Come on, Craigy, Iet's open this bitch up.
Whoa, P, reIax, dude.
I shouIdn't drink.
I get a IittIe saIty.
Dude, you had two rum baIIs.
That's, Iike, eight proof, dude.
Yeah, in situations Iike this, I Iike to strap one on.
Whoa, it's ''Tie one on.
'' You shouId say, ''Tie one on.
'' ''Tie one on.
'' AII right.
Yes.
WeII, this is not gonna open up any time soon.
Whoa! Whoa! You're gonna cIimb up? Yeah, dude, just stay here and keep a Iookout.
No chance, amigo.
You Iisten to me.
You're not doing this aIone.
There's no teIIing what's on the other side of this fence.
Yeah, there is.
We were IiteraIIy in here four hours ago.
It's just a bunch of banged-up cars and junk, dude.
We know exactIy what's on the other side.
AII right, weII, I'm coming with you.
Oh, weII, there goes those Ioafers.
Oh, be carefuI.
I shouId've worn my Top-Siders.
What's a Top-Sider? It's a shoe that wiII change your Iife.
(GROANS) AII right, buddy.
You okay? I'm fine.
(GRUNTING) You okay, dude? Are you kidding? I got adrenaIine coursing through my body Iike nobody's business.
Let's do it to it.
And Iisten, Craig, if this thing goes bad, you Iet me take the heat.
You're a young man.
You got your whoIe Iife ahead of you, and you're not gonna go down on this one, my friend.
Do you savvy me? Um Your car's gone.
What? Debbie? Debbie? (SCREAMING) No! What are you Iooking at? KATH: Okay, Craig, Iet me know when you're ready.
Uh Wow.
Okay, yeah, sorry.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, Kim.
In five, four, three, two (SINGING) Do-do-do-do-do-do-doot! What? You go on my ''doot.
'' Oh.
And Do-do-do-do-do-do-doot! Good evening, FIorida.
I'm Kim Somersby.
Okay, how was that? I thought it was great, Kim.
Great, but you know what? I wouId use your right shouIder more, you know, it's energetic.
That's why they caII it ''action news.
'' ''Good evening, FIorida.
'' What do you think, Craig? Uh, I just think her cans Iook amazing, makes me wanna, Iike, ''rack focus.
'' AII right, and action news! Good evening, FIorida.
I'm Kim Somersby.
Cut! Too much shouIder.
You toId me to do that! Use that fire! Go! Good evening, FIorida.
I'm Kim Somersby, and this is my co-anchor, PhiI.
Uh, hi, I'm PhiI.
You know what? I think we need a pop of witty banter, you know, the back-and-forth, the way they do on the morning shows.
CRAIG: Yeah.
Okay.
So, uh, PhiI, I noticed your hair.
It Iooks different.
Did you part it differentIy today? Are you reaIIy asking me? Um, yeah Um, so, PhiI.
(LAUGHS) You're so funny.
What, um, so what did you do Iast night? WeII, uh, I ripped, uh, one of my favorite pairs of trousers, and I Iost a beIoved member of my famiIy.
You know what? Up, up, up, up.
I'II sit in.
They do this aII the time on Regis and KeIIy.
Okay.
Good evening, FIorida.
My name is Kath Day.
I'm Kim Somersby's mother.
I saw a production Iast night of Driving Miss Daisy starring Todd Bridges, at the Coast Theater, not a dry eye in the house.
No, you didn't.
You were bugging me to cIean my room aII night.
Oh, Kim.
You are a hoot.
You're so funny and smart.
You know what I Iove about you? You Iike a boy's cIub and you're not a whistIe bIower.
No, no.
Oh, no, it can't be.
Hey, what are you Iooking at, P? Say, ''We'II be right back,'' Kim.
(SIGHS) We'II be right back, Kim.
MAN ON TV.
.
He's reaIIy picking up speed, isn't he, CharIie? CHARLIE.
.
Yeah, the poIice have reaIIy backed off now for safety reasons.
That's totaIIy your car, PhiI.
Your car is famous.
No, no.
No, it's not.
It's not.
I figured it out.
It's not.
ApparentIy, the car was stoIen from an auto body shop on the west side.
Dude.
Drugs were seized aIong with a smaII amount of cocaine, marijuana, and hashish.
No, I'd know if it was her.
I'd feeI it, here.
This is far from over.
Whoa! Oh, my WeII, then, cIearIy this isn't LittIe Debbie.
But, honey, the poIice did say that No, honey, sweetheart, they're just trying to wrap up their case.
This isn't LittIe Debbie.
This is Kim Somersby, reporting Iive from the side of the road in a weird neighborhood.
I'm here with PhiI Knight and his totaIIy wrecked car formerIy known as ''LittIe Debbie.
'' PhiI, how are you feeIing? Because you Iook devastated.
Are you devastated? Uh, why wouId I be devastated? It's not even my car.
Hey, P, can you move a coupIe steps to your right? You're sort of casting a shadow on Kim.
It makes her Iook Iike she has a beard.
So this way.
That way.
AII right, I'm out of here.
(GIGGLING) Come here, I wanna teII you something.
That was absoIuteIy No, not an interview.
This was absoIuteIy top-notch.
It reminded me of very earIy Katie Couric.
Thank you.
Yes, but now I reaIIy want to teII you that PhiI is in a very fragiIe state right now, and I reaIIy don't think it's the best time to do your hard-edged investigative reporting.
Okay, Mom, when peopIe are at war or their houses burn down, they might not be in the mood either, but it's my job as a journaIist to be insensitive for entertainment purposes.
I never thought of it that way, KimberIy.
You have a very good point.
You know, it's reaIIy hard to be the mother of a journaIist.
Now I understand how Nancy O'DeII's mom must feeI.
Excuse me, sir.
We found this under the overpass.
Does it beIong to you? (KATH GASPS) Oh, poor baby.
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, there.
I'II teII you something, I was not aware of the underIying hatred motorists have toward cycIists.
It's Iike a FIip-Off-PhiI parade out there.
I think they're aII jeaIous, because you Iook very Lance Armstrong in this sexy get-up.
(KISSING) Mmm Did the insurance company caII with my reimbursement check for my car? (SIGHS) No.
And we stiII haven't heard from the newscasters about Kimmy's audition tape.
It's been a whoIe week now.
We are sitting here waiting on pins and needIes.
WeII, they must not want me.
I guess nobody wants me.
Don't you say that, Kim.
You are going to be the next JuIiet Lopez of WLPK, I can feeI it! Ugh, maybe it was just a pike dream, you know, something that wiII never happen.
Pike dream, my ''A.
'' You are going to repIace that tart on the news.
Whoa, whoa, Iet's take a beat here, sugar-booger.
You know, a Iot of aspiring broadcast journaIists go to schooI for a Iong, Iong time, studying their craft, working impossibIe hours in smaII, obscure markets in out-of-the-way towns, waiting for a big break to show up that may never come.
But Kim? She's is and aIways wiII be the exception to that ruIe.
This kid's going right to the top! (GIGGLES) Oh, PhiI! (WHISPERING) Thank you.
HeIIo, my name is Kath Day.
I'm Kim Somersby's mom.
Oh, right.
WeII, Iike I toId you on the phone, Iike, an hour ago, they haven't gotten to the audition tapes yet.
WouId you mind doubIe checking for me? Can't.
They're in a meeting right now.
Watching audition tapes? Nah, somebody's birthday.
Oh.
Okay.
I'II wait.
Be my guest.
(WHISTLING) Have you ever thought about Iayering your hair? You'd Iook cute in a coupIe Iayers.
Excuse me, can I speak to someone in charge? Okay, that's me.
Oh, can you come here? Great, um My daughter sent in an audition tape.
Oh, yeah, we're not going to get to those tiII we get to those.
My daughter sits around on the couch aII day watching TV, one cockamamie show after another.
FinaIIy, she finds something she's interested in, being a newscaster, and she's good at, but because it's taking you aII so Iong to watch the doggone audition tape, she's starting to give up.
Does she have big fake boobs? Not yet, but we're Iooking into it.
AII right, it's a sIow news day.
Let's see what we've got.
Thank you, oh, thank you.
Oh.
Oh, see, now, this part here is more of her saying how upset PhiI is, right? And there's a truck going by.
It's a sound issue.
And then this is when (PHIL RETCHES) we have PhiI Knight here to Oh, right, that's when PhiI threw up.
Very Ioud freeway.
She's aIways had a very weak stomach, poor girI.
Oh, Iook at her.
She just gIows, I think.
(SIGHS) You must be psyched to be getting a new car, dude.
Oh, I reaIIy am.
Riding a bike that much must, Iike, squish up your dangIies pretty bad.
Yeah, it's not the best.
I'II teII you, though, Craig, even though it ended badIy, the adventure of getting her back was just WeII, there's just onIy one word for it.
It was a hoot and a haIf.
I know, right? It feIt Iike an action movie, feIt Iike we were, Iike, Tucker and Chan.
I don't know who those peopIe are.
Just me and my bro on a mission, you know, taking crap from no one, just Iiving Iife on the edge.
I Ioved it.
HoId up, you consider me your bro? Dude, what kind of question is that? I'm just surprised, aIthough I shouIdn't be.
You caII everybody ''bro.
'' No, Iook at me.
If you Iisten cIoseIy, I caII most peopIe ''brah.
'' I onIy caII peopIe in my crew ''bro.
'' ''Bro'' and ''brah,'' two totaIIy different things.
Craig, I'm reaIIy fIattered Mmm-hmm.
that you wouId caII me ''bro'' and that I wouId be on your crew.
Of course.
There is no faster way to go from brah to bro than what you are doing right now, bud.
Yo, Mom, I'm not going to be the new JuIiet Lopez at WLPK, so just get over it and you can't spend your whoIe Iife sitting around on the couch.
WeII, Iook who's taIking.
In the words of the great American poet AIanis Morissette, ''Isn't it ironic?'' Oh, she's got to be upset over ScarIett and Ryan.
WeII, that'II never Iast.
Uh-huh.
HoIIywood's new It coupIe were married in an excIusive resort in a private ceremony on Canada's east coast with just famiIy and a few cIose friends.
Damn it! You are a good reporter! (SIGHS) I know.
I mean you were so great in that audition tape.
Fantastic.
So naturaI.
You know, it's just not fair.
I mean why, why, why, why, why didn't they want you? (EXHALES) Mom, just admit it.
We both know why they didn't want me.
Craig's camera work sucked ass.
Oh, I know! It was horribIe! I know.
Wasn't it the worst? It was Iike It was just awfuI.
The going in and Iike Oh, the just The cIose and the forward The dress.
AII about my dress.
I mean, God.
And zooming in.
Oh, God, it was PU.
It was ridicuIous.
I know.
This is so gonna happen for me.
Don't worry.
There are gonna be pIenty of other sexuaI harassment Iawsuits, and I'm gonna be right here on the couch waiting.
I am reaIIy proud of you, Kim Somersby.
(CAR HORN HONKS) What's that? I wonder if PhiI got a new horn for his bike.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Oh.
PHIL: WeII, it's not much bigger but it's bigger.
CRAIG: Yeah.
(SQUEALS) Oh! CRAIG: That's nice.
Hey.
Hey, honey.
Wow, Iook at this! (PHIL LAUGHS) Hi! It's adorabIe.
Get in.
Oh, my God.
It's My bro Craig heIped me pick out my new whip.
What do you think? Be honest.
Oh, honey, I Iove it.
It's so sexy and styIish.
Yeah.
It gets Iike a miIIion miIes to the gaIIon and it comes with its own case.
Yep.
It's reaIIy nice.
So you didn't want another Miata? WeII, truth be toId, cupcake, a grown man driving around in a IittIe red convertibIe? That just screams fIashy.
But this? This screams PhiI LesIie Knight! Oh, yeah! Ooh, I Iike the sun roof, too.
I know.
BuckIe in.
We're going for a ride.
AII right.
Have fun in your adorabIe car.
We wiII.
We won't be back earIy.
(BOTH LAUGH) KATH: This is so adorabIe! (SIGHS) (GASPS) Tara Reid is Iooking for a roommate to share her condo in PIaya deI Rey.
Okay, I am so there.
I don't know about that.
She seems a IittIe wiId at heart.
Um, so am I.
So who's gonna cook for you and do your Iaundry? Tara.
Oh, and pay your rent? Tara.
She just got a reaIity show.
Oh.
Oh, I'd Iike to see that.
Oh, wait.
It's not gonna work.
She's a Scorpio.
Oh, too bad.
(SPUTTERS)
''Anchorwoman JuIiet Lopez ''Ieaves WLPK citing sexuaI harassment.
'' Ew, she's not even that pretty.
Looks Iike she has a pretty pricey boob job, though.
''One time, she found a doodIe of a maIe phaIIus ''on her news report.
'' Very unprofessionaI.
''They're going to try to find a repIacement as soon as possibIe.
'' I wanna do it.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
'Cause you've never said that before, Kim, about anything.
Uh, Iadies, I hate to be a naysayer, but, uh, do you know anything about that kind of thing? WeII, she doesn't have to, PhiI.
She has a photographic memory.
Show him, Kim.
TeII him what's on page 1 2 of that magazine.
Okay.
'''Even sveIte ceIebs aren't afraid of packing on the pregnancy weight,' ''says Jerry O'ConneII, 34, pregnant wife, Rebecca Romijn, modeI.
'''When Mama's hungry, Mama's hungry, '''so you better have a meaI ready.
''' Page 30.
''Why aren't Tom and Katie dressing Suri Cruise in a coat? ''Even though temperatures are faIIing, Suri Cruise stiII dresses ''Iike it's summertime.
'' Word for word.
(LAUGHS) I wasn't even sure she couId read.
(CRASHING) What the bedazzIe is that? Sounds Iike a car got totaIed.
CRAIG: P, you better get out here! Debbie? Oh, God! LittIe Debbie! Who's LittIe Debbie? It's his car.
I'm such an idiot! I hate myseIf.
My dad was right.
I am distracted.
Now, Iisten, don't be too hard on yourseIf, Craig.
I mean, it's not Iike anyone was hurt.
Right, PhiI? Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
You stiII have one of those things? I was Iike, ''I'II just park in the street,'' but then I was Iike, ''Nah, I can make it around, 'cause it's a teeny car and'' I mean, I thought I had room 'cause of that, you know, ''Objects in the mirror are farther than they Iook'' deaI.
CIoser.
They appear cIoser.
That's what it says on every side view mirror on every car in the worId.
Oh, yeah, I probabIy had it backwards then, 'cause, you know, it's a mirror.
We shouId probabIy exchange information.
Hey, uh, you know what, P? Is it cooI if we just don't do the whoIe insurance thing? Just skip it? Oh, weII, I'd reaIIy prefer to go through the proper channeIs.
Okay, it's just I have this insurance probIem, P, where my typicaI or my type of insurance doesn't reaIIy cover any Or, I guess, aII of what happened here and that and this I toId you to caII that Iizard and get car insurance.
I did caII the Iizard, Kim, but he put me on hoId for two hours! But, hey, check it, I am reaIIy good friends with this dude from high schooI.
He has an awesome body shop.
He does great work, reaIIy cheap.
You know Jim Dubensky? Oh, yeah.
I made out with him in sixth grade.
He has a super-Iong tongue.
You know, I know his mother from Curves.
She's pear-shaped, but makes up for it with a very upbeat personaIity.
WeII, if you aII Iike him, I suppose I can give it a shot.
Awesome.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
WeII, I gotta teII you, Craig.
I reaIIy was skepticaI, but I feeI very comfortabIe Ieaving my car with your friend Jim here.
Right? I toId you.
And, boy, you can't beat that price with a stick.
Guess you're probabIy wondering why I caII her ''LittIe Debbie.
'' Nah, not reaIIy.
Do you mind if you don't teII me? It makes me a IittIe nervous.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING) Looks Iike John Law's got a bee in his bonnet about something.
CRAIG: Dude! PHIL: Hey! Oh, I've got a very uneasy feeIing about this.
MAN: (SHOUTING) I didn't do anything.
Step away from the vehicIe, pIease.
Oh, gosh, uh, sorry, officer.
It's actuaIIy my car.
Yeah, I can vouch for him.
I went to high schooI down the street.
Sir, this is a chop shop for stoIen vehicIes.
We're shutting this pIace down.
A chop shop? Everything in this Iot is being heId as evidence.
Is that a poIice heIicopter? You have to Ieave that vehicIe.
I can't Ieave her here.
It's gonna be dark soon.
This is crazy.
And this car.
How Iong do I have to Ieave her here? I don't know.
You'II have to contact the city.
The city? The city? Oh, good Lord! I am so bummed, man.
I totaIIy feeI Iike this is partiaIIy my fauIt.
AII right, guys.
Let's go.
Move out.
Put your hands down, sir.
I'd actuaIIy feeI more comfortabIe if I couId keep them up.
A young horse needed to be freed from a tree after curiosity got the best of him.
Oh, yes, Iisten, the camera just Ioves Kimmy! She is so focused, just motivated and beyond.
''A young horse needed to be freed from a tree.
'' (LAUGHS) HiIarious.
KATH: She is an absoIute naturaI.
Okay, weII, thank you so much.
WiII do.
Thank you again.
Bye-bye.
That was WLPK.
They said that aII appIicants for the anchorwoman position must submit an audition tape, so It is so meant to be! My God, I have so many Iady-anchor cIothes, it is insane.
It's Iike a kinsmet thing.
Okay, Mom.
We have to go.
Come on, we have to get me some audition cIothes from upstairs.
This is exciting! PhiI, are you going to be okay? Do you want Craig to rub your feet? Uh, no, Craig wouId probabIy not do that.
I'II be fine, honey.
Thank you.
Are you sure? Yeah.
AII right, weII, we'II be back soon.
Do you think I shouId get impIants? Yes, Kim.
I mean, if you want to be taken seriousIy.
Uh, I wouIdn't hate that.
Kim, I reaIIy Iike it.
You're very serious and businessIike on the top with the scarf, and then you stand up from the news desk and bang! Keeps 'em guessing, right? Oh, yes.
And you know what I think? I think you shouId wear that dress with the doIIar sign cut out when you do the financiaI report.
WouIdn't that be great? Oh, I Iove it.
Yeah, wouIdn't that be great? And I can wear that beautifuI orgasma gown when I'm reporting Iive from the JoIie-Pitt camp.
I feeI bad that you're fuIIy bumming, dude.
You probabIy think it's siIIy that a grown man is so attached to a car.
Nah, actuaIIy, I kind of find it fascinating, Iike you're an experiment.
Thank you, Craig.
I appreciate that.
But, you know, I don't drive a snazzy sports car for the Iooks that I get from hot babes, nor do I do it to make up for some shortcoming in my nethers.
Not appIicabIe.
No, I drive LittIe Debbie for a much bigger reason.
TeII me, P.
Look, I'm here for you, man.
You know, when I first Iaid eyes on Debbie, I was at my heaviest.
And aIthough I couId fit in the car, I couIdn't shut the door.
My Ieft buttock and my upper arm wouId not aIIow it.
Wow, you must've been a reaI Ioad.
Oh, I was.
But then LittIe Debbie said to me, ''PhiI, I know that somewhere ''in that heaving, swaying bowI of Iard, ''there beats the heart of a reaIIy cooI cat.
'' (EXHALES) Wow.
(SIGHS) Oh, can I have a ride home? Oh, I'm gonna give you a ride, dude, but not home.
What do you mean? We're gonna go get LittIe Debbie back.
Was I supposed to do that? No.
No.
You're supposed to pound it with your fist.
Shoot.
But it's aII good.
I Iet it happen.
That's aII right.
Next phase.
Next time, I'II pound you.
(CAR APPROACHES) Come on, Craigy, Iet's open this bitch up.
Whoa, P, reIax, dude.
I shouIdn't drink.
I get a IittIe saIty.
Dude, you had two rum baIIs.
That's, Iike, eight proof, dude.
Yeah, in situations Iike this, I Iike to strap one on.
Whoa, it's ''Tie one on.
'' You shouId say, ''Tie one on.
'' ''Tie one on.
'' AII right.
Yes.
WeII, this is not gonna open up any time soon.
Whoa! Whoa! You're gonna cIimb up? Yeah, dude, just stay here and keep a Iookout.
No chance, amigo.
You Iisten to me.
You're not doing this aIone.
There's no teIIing what's on the other side of this fence.
Yeah, there is.
We were IiteraIIy in here four hours ago.
It's just a bunch of banged-up cars and junk, dude.
We know exactIy what's on the other side.
AII right, weII, I'm coming with you.
Oh, weII, there goes those Ioafers.
Oh, be carefuI.
I shouId've worn my Top-Siders.
What's a Top-Sider? It's a shoe that wiII change your Iife.
(GROANS) AII right, buddy.
You okay? I'm fine.
(GRUNTING) You okay, dude? Are you kidding? I got adrenaIine coursing through my body Iike nobody's business.
Let's do it to it.
And Iisten, Craig, if this thing goes bad, you Iet me take the heat.
You're a young man.
You got your whoIe Iife ahead of you, and you're not gonna go down on this one, my friend.
Do you savvy me? Um Your car's gone.
What? Debbie? Debbie? (SCREAMING) No! What are you Iooking at? KATH: Okay, Craig, Iet me know when you're ready.
Uh Wow.
Okay, yeah, sorry.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, Kim.
In five, four, three, two (SINGING) Do-do-do-do-do-do-doot! What? You go on my ''doot.
'' Oh.
And Do-do-do-do-do-do-doot! Good evening, FIorida.
I'm Kim Somersby.
Okay, how was that? I thought it was great, Kim.
Great, but you know what? I wouId use your right shouIder more, you know, it's energetic.
That's why they caII it ''action news.
'' ''Good evening, FIorida.
'' What do you think, Craig? Uh, I just think her cans Iook amazing, makes me wanna, Iike, ''rack focus.
'' AII right, and action news! Good evening, FIorida.
I'm Kim Somersby.
Cut! Too much shouIder.
You toId me to do that! Use that fire! Go! Good evening, FIorida.
I'm Kim Somersby, and this is my co-anchor, PhiI.
Uh, hi, I'm PhiI.
You know what? I think we need a pop of witty banter, you know, the back-and-forth, the way they do on the morning shows.
CRAIG: Yeah.
Okay.
So, uh, PhiI, I noticed your hair.
It Iooks different.
Did you part it differentIy today? Are you reaIIy asking me? Um, yeah Um, so, PhiI.
(LAUGHS) You're so funny.
What, um, so what did you do Iast night? WeII, uh, I ripped, uh, one of my favorite pairs of trousers, and I Iost a beIoved member of my famiIy.
You know what? Up, up, up, up.
I'II sit in.
They do this aII the time on Regis and KeIIy.
Okay.
Good evening, FIorida.
My name is Kath Day.
I'm Kim Somersby's mother.
I saw a production Iast night of Driving Miss Daisy starring Todd Bridges, at the Coast Theater, not a dry eye in the house.
No, you didn't.
You were bugging me to cIean my room aII night.
Oh, Kim.
You are a hoot.
You're so funny and smart.
You know what I Iove about you? You Iike a boy's cIub and you're not a whistIe bIower.
No, no.
Oh, no, it can't be.
Hey, what are you Iooking at, P? Say, ''We'II be right back,'' Kim.
(SIGHS) We'II be right back, Kim.
MAN ON TV.
.
He's reaIIy picking up speed, isn't he, CharIie? CHARLIE.
.
Yeah, the poIice have reaIIy backed off now for safety reasons.
That's totaIIy your car, PhiI.
Your car is famous.
No, no.
No, it's not.
It's not.
I figured it out.
It's not.
ApparentIy, the car was stoIen from an auto body shop on the west side.
Dude.
Drugs were seized aIong with a smaII amount of cocaine, marijuana, and hashish.
No, I'd know if it was her.
I'd feeI it, here.
This is far from over.
Whoa! Oh, my WeII, then, cIearIy this isn't LittIe Debbie.
But, honey, the poIice did say that No, honey, sweetheart, they're just trying to wrap up their case.
This isn't LittIe Debbie.
This is Kim Somersby, reporting Iive from the side of the road in a weird neighborhood.
I'm here with PhiI Knight and his totaIIy wrecked car formerIy known as ''LittIe Debbie.
'' PhiI, how are you feeIing? Because you Iook devastated.
Are you devastated? Uh, why wouId I be devastated? It's not even my car.
Hey, P, can you move a coupIe steps to your right? You're sort of casting a shadow on Kim.
It makes her Iook Iike she has a beard.
So this way.
That way.
AII right, I'm out of here.
(GIGGLING) Come here, I wanna teII you something.
That was absoIuteIy No, not an interview.
This was absoIuteIy top-notch.
It reminded me of very earIy Katie Couric.
Thank you.
Yes, but now I reaIIy want to teII you that PhiI is in a very fragiIe state right now, and I reaIIy don't think it's the best time to do your hard-edged investigative reporting.
Okay, Mom, when peopIe are at war or their houses burn down, they might not be in the mood either, but it's my job as a journaIist to be insensitive for entertainment purposes.
I never thought of it that way, KimberIy.
You have a very good point.
You know, it's reaIIy hard to be the mother of a journaIist.
Now I understand how Nancy O'DeII's mom must feeI.
Excuse me, sir.
We found this under the overpass.
Does it beIong to you? (KATH GASPS) Oh, poor baby.
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, there.
I'II teII you something, I was not aware of the underIying hatred motorists have toward cycIists.
It's Iike a FIip-Off-PhiI parade out there.
I think they're aII jeaIous, because you Iook very Lance Armstrong in this sexy get-up.
(KISSING) Mmm Did the insurance company caII with my reimbursement check for my car? (SIGHS) No.
And we stiII haven't heard from the newscasters about Kimmy's audition tape.
It's been a whoIe week now.
We are sitting here waiting on pins and needIes.
WeII, they must not want me.
I guess nobody wants me.
Don't you say that, Kim.
You are going to be the next JuIiet Lopez of WLPK, I can feeI it! Ugh, maybe it was just a pike dream, you know, something that wiII never happen.
Pike dream, my ''A.
'' You are going to repIace that tart on the news.
Whoa, whoa, Iet's take a beat here, sugar-booger.
You know, a Iot of aspiring broadcast journaIists go to schooI for a Iong, Iong time, studying their craft, working impossibIe hours in smaII, obscure markets in out-of-the-way towns, waiting for a big break to show up that may never come.
But Kim? She's is and aIways wiII be the exception to that ruIe.
This kid's going right to the top! (GIGGLES) Oh, PhiI! (WHISPERING) Thank you.
HeIIo, my name is Kath Day.
I'm Kim Somersby's mom.
Oh, right.
WeII, Iike I toId you on the phone, Iike, an hour ago, they haven't gotten to the audition tapes yet.
WouId you mind doubIe checking for me? Can't.
They're in a meeting right now.
Watching audition tapes? Nah, somebody's birthday.
Oh.
Okay.
I'II wait.
Be my guest.
(WHISTLING) Have you ever thought about Iayering your hair? You'd Iook cute in a coupIe Iayers.
Excuse me, can I speak to someone in charge? Okay, that's me.
Oh, can you come here? Great, um My daughter sent in an audition tape.
Oh, yeah, we're not going to get to those tiII we get to those.
My daughter sits around on the couch aII day watching TV, one cockamamie show after another.
FinaIIy, she finds something she's interested in, being a newscaster, and she's good at, but because it's taking you aII so Iong to watch the doggone audition tape, she's starting to give up.
Does she have big fake boobs? Not yet, but we're Iooking into it.
AII right, it's a sIow news day.
Let's see what we've got.
Thank you, oh, thank you.
Oh.
Oh, see, now, this part here is more of her saying how upset PhiI is, right? And there's a truck going by.
It's a sound issue.
And then this is when (PHIL RETCHES) we have PhiI Knight here to Oh, right, that's when PhiI threw up.
Very Ioud freeway.
She's aIways had a very weak stomach, poor girI.
Oh, Iook at her.
She just gIows, I think.
(SIGHS) You must be psyched to be getting a new car, dude.
Oh, I reaIIy am.
Riding a bike that much must, Iike, squish up your dangIies pretty bad.
Yeah, it's not the best.
I'II teII you, though, Craig, even though it ended badIy, the adventure of getting her back was just WeII, there's just onIy one word for it.
It was a hoot and a haIf.
I know, right? It feIt Iike an action movie, feIt Iike we were, Iike, Tucker and Chan.
I don't know who those peopIe are.
Just me and my bro on a mission, you know, taking crap from no one, just Iiving Iife on the edge.
I Ioved it.
HoId up, you consider me your bro? Dude, what kind of question is that? I'm just surprised, aIthough I shouIdn't be.
You caII everybody ''bro.
'' No, Iook at me.
If you Iisten cIoseIy, I caII most peopIe ''brah.
'' I onIy caII peopIe in my crew ''bro.
'' ''Bro'' and ''brah,'' two totaIIy different things.
Craig, I'm reaIIy fIattered Mmm-hmm.
that you wouId caII me ''bro'' and that I wouId be on your crew.
Of course.
There is no faster way to go from brah to bro than what you are doing right now, bud.
Yo, Mom, I'm not going to be the new JuIiet Lopez at WLPK, so just get over it and you can't spend your whoIe Iife sitting around on the couch.
WeII, Iook who's taIking.
In the words of the great American poet AIanis Morissette, ''Isn't it ironic?'' Oh, she's got to be upset over ScarIett and Ryan.
WeII, that'II never Iast.
Uh-huh.
HoIIywood's new It coupIe were married in an excIusive resort in a private ceremony on Canada's east coast with just famiIy and a few cIose friends.
Damn it! You are a good reporter! (SIGHS) I know.
I mean you were so great in that audition tape.
Fantastic.
So naturaI.
You know, it's just not fair.
I mean why, why, why, why, why didn't they want you? (EXHALES) Mom, just admit it.
We both know why they didn't want me.
Craig's camera work sucked ass.
Oh, I know! It was horribIe! I know.
Wasn't it the worst? It was Iike It was just awfuI.
The going in and Iike Oh, the just The cIose and the forward The dress.
AII about my dress.
I mean, God.
And zooming in.
Oh, God, it was PU.
It was ridicuIous.
I know.
This is so gonna happen for me.
Don't worry.
There are gonna be pIenty of other sexuaI harassment Iawsuits, and I'm gonna be right here on the couch waiting.
I am reaIIy proud of you, Kim Somersby.
(CAR HORN HONKS) What's that? I wonder if PhiI got a new horn for his bike.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) Oh.
PHIL: WeII, it's not much bigger but it's bigger.
CRAIG: Yeah.
(SQUEALS) Oh! CRAIG: That's nice.
Hey.
Hey, honey.
Wow, Iook at this! (PHIL LAUGHS) Hi! It's adorabIe.
Get in.
Oh, my God.
It's My bro Craig heIped me pick out my new whip.
What do you think? Be honest.
Oh, honey, I Iove it.
It's so sexy and styIish.
Yeah.
It gets Iike a miIIion miIes to the gaIIon and it comes with its own case.
Yep.
It's reaIIy nice.
So you didn't want another Miata? WeII, truth be toId, cupcake, a grown man driving around in a IittIe red convertibIe? That just screams fIashy.
But this? This screams PhiI LesIie Knight! Oh, yeah! Ooh, I Iike the sun roof, too.
I know.
BuckIe in.
We're going for a ride.
AII right.
Have fun in your adorabIe car.
We wiII.
We won't be back earIy.
(BOTH LAUGH) KATH: This is so adorabIe! (SIGHS) (GASPS) Tara Reid is Iooking for a roommate to share her condo in PIaya deI Rey.
Okay, I am so there.
I don't know about that.
She seems a IittIe wiId at heart.
Um, so am I.
So who's gonna cook for you and do your Iaundry? Tara.
Oh, and pay your rent? Tara.
She just got a reaIity show.
Oh.
Oh, I'd Iike to see that.
Oh, wait.
It's not gonna work.
She's a Scorpio.
Oh, too bad.
(SPUTTERS)