Kevin Can Wait (2016) s01e11 Episode Script

1 What are you doing, babe? I got to get the kids up for school.
What? No! Get some rest.
Your man is home now.
I got you.
Well, that's sweet, honey, but it's a whole routine.
I mean, Sara She's gonna call you some names.
I'm not gonna lie.
She finds your weak spot, and she just she digs in.
And then Kendra gets mad at Sara 'cause she's making too much noise, and Jack is, like, a whole other story.
Babe, it's a 20-minute routine.
I think I can handle this.
Okay, but you're gonna be right back here asking me to do it.
- Oh, am I? - Mm-hmm.
[Knock on door.]
Kendra.
Sara.
My little princesses, time to get up.
[Groans.]
Leave me alone! I'm sleeping.
Leave me alone.
I'm 21.
[Air horn blares.]
[Screams.]
Dad! What the crap?! Kids are up! [Air horn blares.]
I am not your ordinary guy [Groans.]
Oh, look at my man's whippin' up breakfast.
Oh, yeah! I got to say, I'm not hating the view from back here.
You like it when I whisk, huh? I do.
It's mesmerizing, like a lava lamp.
[Chuckles.]
Let me break it down for you, then, huh? Ooh! Oh, honey, honey, honey, now it's just lava.
Yeah.
I felt it.
Kendra, don't touch my lacrosse bag! I'm serious.
No, it's disgusting, and it's getting washed.
Okay, no, it isn't 'cause we haven't lost in 10 games.
There's a reason for that.
Yeah, because it stinks so bad no one will cover you.
All right, guys, just Febreze it.
Come on.
Sit down.
Have some breakfast with me.
No, Dad, I can't, okay? I'm gonna be late for class, especially now that I have to pull over and throw up.
[Chuckles sarcastically.]
Hey, buddy! I'm making you some pancakes.
And I'm gonna make them in the shape of a T-Rex with the little arms and everything.
You're gonna love them, all right? Okay? Hey! Hey, buddy! No kiss goodbye? What's going on with this family? What are you doing?! It's like I shined a light on a possum in a Dumpster.
Please, like I haven't watched you eat an entire Thanksgiving dinner over the trash can.
If your parents would have put a chair at the table for me, I wouldn't have had to.
Come on.
Just settle in.
Have a pancake with me.
I can't.
I got to go.
I'm late.
I love you.
Bye.
Unbelievable.
Oh, do I smell some griddle cakes? [Chuckles.]
Oh, back in London, my Nana used to make these for me.
Yeah? Yeah, and I remember on rainy days, I would hide beneath the counter, and, uh, I would reach out to try and catch the the hot drippings.
[Chuckles.]
But Nana knew that I was there.
She encouraged the Mr.
Gable? Okay, what W-what's he doing? I think he's cleaning his pizza.
Nope, just blotting off the grease.
What, do you think you're better than us? I'm trying to eat healthier.
Yeah, well, it's coming off super aggressive to the group.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, guys, we're up on shuffleboard.
Whoa.
Hey, Kyle, did you call your guy about the Billy Joel tickets for Sunday night? Yeah.
I called him, I asked for five tickets, he laughed at me, and hung up.
So I think they're totally sold out.
Man, I've never seen him live.
I'd love to do that.
All right, so I guess we'll do, uh, football at my house Sunday? Oh, wish I could.
I got a thing.
- What thing? - Family thing.
Every year around this time, we all go up to a cabin in the Adirondacks, just a bunch of Motts running around wild in the woods.
[Chuckles.]
It's the greatest.
We even go to the bathroom outside.
How is that different than at home? Because it's a family tradition.
The kids love it.
It keeps us all connected.
Come on.
You got stuff like that, right? Yeah, I mean, we You know, we don't do the bathroom thing, but we, uh You know, every time McDonald's brings back the McRib, we definitely get together as a family unit, and, uh, it's pretty special.
I'm getting another beer.
You in? No, no, I'm out of here.
You guys are useless.
Come on.
Do it.
Go, go, go, go! - Aw, come on! - We're good.
I gave him some story about wanting to spend more time with my family.
[Chuckles.]
He bought that? He didn't seem that drunk to me.
But But you really did get the tickets? Oh, yeah, five up front, boys.
[Laughter.]
Kevin is going to lose his mind.
Yes! Let me see the tickets.
Well, I-I-I don't have them.
I mean, I have them, but I-I don't have them.
My guy has them.
And he's in Poughkeepsie.
Whoa.
That's two hours away.
It's not a problem.
I'll drive.
We can all enjoy each other's company.
Why do we all have to go? This guy's a little sketchy, and I could use the backup in case this whole thing goes sideways.
Donna?! Donna?! [Whispering.]
Hey.
Lower your voice.
You're sitting on a bucket.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? It looks like you're on lunch break in the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Are you hiding from the kids? And you.
It's Friday night.
I'm I'm reading my book.
What's the problem? This is the problem right here, and this morning with the kids.
Nobody's sitting down for breakfast.
It's You know what it is? We have no traditions.
Well, I do.
On Friday nights, I sit on a bucket and I read my book.
I mean, until now.
Now I got to find a new hiding spot.
I'm telling you, we are dropping the ball, all right? What? We Yes, we got to start doing things together.
Mott's family's killing it.
Oh, Mott.
Now it makes sense.
Jolly Green Giant gets in your ear, and there goes my Friday night.
I'm telling you, we're gonna start doing things together as a family.
This is important.
We do tons of stuff together.
Really? Name some.
Okay, um, we go to mass.
- That's one.
- Christmas.
Technically, that's mass.
You get on these kicks, and you're unstoppable.
- This isn't a kick! - Really? How is this different from, "I'm gonna learn karate and open up my own dojo"? I pulled a hammy.
It set me back a couple belts.
Okay, well, I know I promised that I'd never bring this up again Not - but do you remember - Stop it.
- "Let's grow our own" - Donna, no! Nah! - "potatoes"? - [Groans.]
I told you not to do that.
Hey, you ruined our backyard, and it cost $1,000 to grow four potatoes that turned out so weird that we were scared to eat them! Okay, you know what? I love you, but you have zero vision.
Do you know how many things you can make with one single potato? - And here comes the list.
- Yeah, I'm telling you Baked potatoes, French fries, potato skins, hash browns.
You want Italian? You got gnocchi.
Hey, you want to eat healthy? Potato salad.
And I'm not even mentioning the all-purpose vehicle of spuds The mashed potato.
And I know I'm forgetting one, too.
Yeah, you can also make vodka, which I would kill for right now.
No, that is not it.
Look, come on.
Let's just do this.
We'll have fun.
All right, all right, just just just Just don't force things.
I-I'm not gonna force it.
I promise you Got it! Tater tots! Boom! Chaka Khan! Whoo! First family tradition The classic "Monopoly.
" [All complaining.]
- Yeah, no Yes.
- We're giving it a shot.
"Monopoly.
" I must warn you, I play at a very high level.
Okay, well, do you want to be banker? I'm pretty good with money.
I'll have to take your word for that, considering I've never seen you with any.
Okay.
Okay, Dad, are you sure we should do this? Because last time we played, Jack ended up with the thimble stuck up his nose.
I was smelling it.
It happened.
Get over it.
Well, I don't think that's gonna be a problem because there are no pieces.
[All talking.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's okay! It's okay! - Hey, look, we don't need pieces.
- What? We We will make our own.
Honey, you are a set of car keys.
Uh, Jack, you are a cheese doodle.
Do not smell it.
Uh, Kendra, you are gonna be Kenny Chesney's boot from this magazine.
And, Sara, you are a Jets coaster.
And, Chale, you are a Jets coaster upside down.
Babe, this is crazy.
- We're playing.
- All right.
Okay, we can play.
Let's all just hope that Sara doesn't start crying like she always does.
She'll be fine.
Okay, I wasn't crying, so say it one more time and you'll regret it.
Okay, you know what? Get it over with because you are being such a big brat.
I don't know why you're getting mad at me because all the time, you're trying to control my life.
[Indistinct shouting.]
[Sighs.]
I know you're wondering why game night didn't work out.
I'm not wondering that at all.
Well, here's why.
Nobody says, "Let's play 'Monopoly'.
" They say, "Hey, power's out.
" We might as well play 'Monopoly'.
" You literally said, "Let's play 'Monopoly'.
" We can sit here all night pointing fingers at each other, but we need to find a family tradition where we can all get along! Okay, well, that's not gonna work.
I mean, Chale's living in the garage.
Kendra wants to be living in the garage, but instead, she's in a tiny room with her baby sister.
I mean, tensions are gonna erupt.
So let's work that tension out.
[Scoffs.]
Well, what do you want to do? You gonna wrap their hands in bubble wrap and just let the fists fly like a Thunderdome? That's a little extreme, okay? But you're close.
Welcome to the first annual Gable Bubble Ball Tournament.
Dad, I can't move.
No, it's okay, sweetie.
None of us can move.
It's sort of like you combine soccer with an MRI.
See, Chale gets it.
Wait, Dad, what are the teams? No teams.
No rules.
What? Ready? Go! What?! Ohh! - Aah! - Ow! Kendra! Ohh! Aah! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Grunts.]
Oh! Kevin! Ohh! Boom! [Screaming.]
Mommy's coming! Jack! I'm okay! - [Screaming.]
- [Gasps.]
[Screaming continues.]
Famous last words "You're in a bubble.
You won't get hurt.
" Okay.
He didn't get hurt.
He bounced down a hill.
Lightly.
He's fine.
Well, then, why did we take him to the hospital, hmm? As a precaution "pre" caution, which means it's before caution.
Mm-hmm.
Then why did they want to X-ray him? This is so crazy.
'Cause they're already paying the guy at the machine.
What's he gonna do, sit there in a lead vest listening to audio books all day? Come on.
He's getting paid.
Press the button.
That's all.
Honey, look, I know that you want to build family traditions, but they have to grow organically over time.
I know.
I just I just wish we had something.
That's all.
Well, we'll always have waking the kids up with the air horn.
- [Laughing.]
That was awesome.
- That was awesome.
Jack shot out of his shorts.
I'm not kidding.
I've never heard a higher-pitch scream.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Good night.
- Love you.
- Love you.
[Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
[Snaps fingers.]
I got it.
[Snaps fingers.]
I got it! What? Supper.
What? No.
You can't eat this late because you always get nightmares, and then you wind up kicking me in your sleep.
Not now.
Tomorrow.
Sunday supper.
- Think about it.
- Oh.
"Monopoly" was a bore fest, right? Bubble Ball was crazy dangerous.
Sunday supper is right in the sweet spot.
We gather as a family.
We eat.
We grow.
We learn about each other.
Oh, you are relentless.
Okay, fine.
Here's the deal.
You get everyone to the table, and I'll make supper.
- Done.
- All right.
And I'm thinking meatloaf.
Okay.
No, I mean now.
Wha Kyle, what are we doing at an abandoned rest stop? We're waiting for Billy Joel tickets, okay? This is where Jeff wanted to meet.
This place is a little sketchy.
Why don't you call your guy? I don't have his phone number.
We talk through Facebook.
That's what people do now.
There are so many red flags here, I'm out of red flags.
Hon? Home run on the meatloaf.
Not hating the sides, either.
Vegetable medley! So, Dad, just to be clear, do we have to sit here until we're all happy? Judging by the tension around this table, I'm thinking you may need a lot more meatloaf.
[Chuckles.]
I'll try the cornbread.
- I'm happy.
- Kevin: You hear that? This kid rolled 3/4 of a mile in a beach ball, and he's happy, okay? I almost died, but I didn't.
- To being alive! - Aww.
Nice! Nice, Jack! And I'm gonna build on that.
Now, when I was a kid, we used to go around the table, and we'd all say one thing we were grateful for.
Oh, that's nice.
- Chale: Mm.
- Yeah.
I am grateful for cauliflower.
Because after staring death in the face Okay, Jack, Jack, we we get it, buddy.
You're kind of hogging the ball a little bit.
Saralicious, let's go with you.
What do you got in the tank? - Come on.
- Okay.
I'm grateful for the two years - that Kendra didn't live here.
- [Chuckles.]
Sara.
No, no, no.
You know what? I'm grateful for the ability to shower and read, two crayons that don't appear to be in Sara's box.
- Hey, guys, guys, guys.
- Okay, okay, sorry I'm coordinated and I don't want to spend my life in a library.
[Gasps.]
Did you guys hear that? Sara knows what a library is! Oh, gut punch! Jack, that's not helping.
This cornbread is so light.
It is like air.
Okay, sorry I'm not perfect like you! Okay, here we go with that again.
- Donna: Girls, girls! - I just Honey, you want to step in here, please? Yeah, I do.
I'm tired of every single one of you fighting me about doing stuff together, except for Chale, and he's not even in our family.
- Working on it.
- Let me land this plane.
Now, friends will come and go, but your family is forever.
You guys want to fight, fight.
I'll tell you this, though Look around, 'cause this is the only family you got.
I guess I'm just stressed out with school and work, and I took it out on you.
I'm sorry.
Now, there you go.
I'm sorry, too.
I guess I was just used to having my own room.
It's actually not horrible having you around.
[Chuckles.]
Donna: Wow.
That was sweet.
Very mature, Sara.
I could have washed that jersey weeks ago.
I just knew that the smell drove you crazy.
It's cool.
Sorry I rubbed it on your pillow, too.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's all right.
I switched it with Jack's like a week ago.
What?! [Both laugh.]
Okay, see, now, this is all I wanted right here! Now I'm gonna grab a beer.
The thing with the pillow is a little disturbing, but this is awesome.
Just keep Keep it flowing, okay? Jake: Come on, really? You had to? That is so gross.
My face was all Honey, did you see that? They were actually communicating.
That was incredible.
You were right.
Of course I was right.
And you know what? We are not done.
We're gonna watch a movie, maybe some charades, - another movie.
- [Laughs.]
Who knows where the night takes us? - All right, I'll go set it up.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, honey, you're amazing.
- It's what I do's.
[Cellphone ringing.]
[Clears throat.]
Kyle, what's up? Okay, long story.
No, short story Your brother's an idiot.
We just spent a half-day in a rest area waiting for some guy to bring us tickets.
Tickets? Yeah Billy Joel.
We're taking you to the Garden, guy! Yeah! But he he's sold out.
Not if you know a guy at a rest stop in Poughkeepsie.
- [Laughter.]
- The Piano Man, baby! Be ready 'cause we're picking you up in 20.
Yeah! Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! - Billy Joel! - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
So, Chale's got this hilarious game.
You put a Post-It on your forehead and you're a celebrity or you guess it or I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, did you know that tomorrow's a school day? I-I-I just didn't know.
I just was completely The kids need their sleep.
I was thinking that.
- I was - Honey, it's 6:30.
Yeah, I know, but they need 12 hours.
You should know that as a school nurse.
That's kind of embarrassing.
I just feel like I went too hard again.
You know, I went kind of full potato, and No, no, no.
We're having fun in there.
Come on.
I know, but you can't change them all in one night.
It's like when you get braces on.
You don't have straight teeth that day.
Okay, here's the game, Mr.
Gable.
- Oh! - We're all celebrities.
- Right.
Yeah.
Everyone can see - We have a card on the head.
You're Clint Eastwood, okay? Mr.
Gable has won round one.
I just think we need to pull the plug on this now, you know, for the family.
Yeah, it's probably best.
It is.
It is.
Plus you went a little nuts with the gravy down there.
You might want to change your shirt before you go see Billy Joel.
Billy who, now? Goody's wife just texted me asking if I wanted to get coffee because you guys are all going to the concert.
You guys are getting coffee?! Oh, that's awesome.
We're all gonna have fun! That is so cool.
What do you want me to do, all right? They surprised me with tickets.
Honey, I get it, all right? I mean, you love Billy Joel.
He's your favorite.
I get that.
But you just accomplished something pretty special in there.
So I don't know, where do you think you should be? Cadillac-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack You oughta know by now You oughta know by now If he can't drive with a broken back At least he can polish the fenders And it seems such a waste of time If that's what it's all about Mama, if that's movin' up, then I'm Movin' out Don't you know about the new fashion, honey? All you need are looks and a whole lotta money It's the next phase, new wave, dance craze, anyways It's still rock 'n' roll to me Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound Funny, but It's still rock 'n' roll to me! [Cheers and applause.]
This is a great tradition.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you.
I wish you were at the concert with me, Donna.
I'm telling you, Billy Joel was on fire.
He closed with "Piano Man.
" 20,000 people just waving cellphones in the air.
They don't do lighters anymore, you know? No? Which is good.
You don't burn your fingers.
Remember, you'd be like, "Yeah! Aah.
" I think it's great that you're so excited, but you should save all that for next Sunday's supper.
You know, it's gonna kill at the table.
And this is is more of a quiet tradition.
Wow, you get on the bucket and you change.
I'm just trying to read my book.
Yeah, I'm just trying to tell you about my night - with Billy Joel.
- Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'll remember this next time you want to talk about "Downtown Abbey.
" - It's "Downton Abbey.
" - Yeah, whatever.
You know what? I'm out of here.
I don't need this stuff.
Oh, legs are asleep.
Oh.
Yep.
That happens.
Yep.
Ohh!