Kirstie (2013) s01e11 Episode Script

Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay.
Two pairs, aces and 8s.
Straight flush.
Give me your watch.
- Hey, how'd the show go? - Which show? The one on stage or the newly married gay couple in the front row? Knock, knock.
It's me, Hollis.
- From the show.
- I remember.
Maddie, which one of these makes me look more professional? That one makes you look like a ho bag.
And that one makes you look like a banged-out ho bag on crack.
Perfect! I've gotta go back for a TV movie.
Doctor Stripper, M.
D.
"Pediatrician by day, pole dancer by night.
" Say "ahh.
" Say "ooh.
" - How did you get that audition? - My new agent is amazing.
He got me five auditions last week, including an independent film about Hitler's niece.
- I thought Hitler was an only child.
- I'm gonna be honest.
I didn't even know Hitler was a real person! Well, best of luck to you, Hollis.
- In five, four, three, two - Why am I not getting any auditions for movies and commercials?! Maddie, you did that candy commercial.
It only airs in Tel Aviv, and they paid me in shekels.
We have this conversation six times a year, Maddie.
Your agent, Stanford Temple, stinks.
His second biggest client is a cat.
That's it.
Thelma, get me an appointment with Stanford.
I think it's time that I finally fired him.
- Yeah, right, that's gonna happen.
- Yeah, you've always been a big wuss when it comes to firing people.
Oh, please.
What about that cleaning lady? - I got rid of her.
- You told her you had 6 months to live.
- And you shaved your head.
- It's called commit me, people.
1x11 - Maddie's Agent Oh, man, this burrito that Lucila made tastes like what I imagine balls would taste like.
Yeah, pretty close.
- Well, did you like it? - I loved it! Oh, Arlo, you're so sweet.
- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning, Maddie.
You want a breakfast burrito? Oh, you'll love it.
Tastes like balls.
No, thanks, I had enough of that in my dream.
Ooh, last night I had the most amazing sexy dream too.
I was working at this banana factory, and this guy Wait, wait.
Do you hear that? I think the timer just went off on the oven.
What are you doing? She was telling us about her sexy dream! Arlo, give it a break.
She's the worst cook ever.
I agree.
We should get rid of her.
You can't fire her until I find out what happened in that banana factory.
I really need to go get ready for work.
So how you liking the job? It's great, except there is this one guy who's kind of being a jerk to me.
Oh, mothering moment! Take a picture.
Sweetheart, listen.
When you have a problem with someone, you have to stand up to them.
No one will do it for you.
Oh, which reminds me, I need you to fire Stanford.
What? I thought you were doing it.
I know, but I'm not good at these things.
I just can't get rid of anyone.
Except maybe a baby you gave birth to.
Honey, shh.
This is about work.
Who is this Stanford guy, anyway? Your mother's agent.
She's been with him since her first show.
Yeah, he took me when no one else would.
He had a lot of big clients, and one by one, they left him.
I should have let him go too, but I just didn't have the nerve.
- I just can't let anyone go.
- You let me go.
Honey, everything isn't about you.
Okay.
We gotta get downstairs.
Frank's waiting.
Oh, fine.
But if you want to fire Stan, you're doing it yourself.
Maddie, you got to get over this fear.
Oh, you're one to talk.
You're afraid of stuff too.
What about those twins in the building? So you've seen them too? Thanks for coming up, Frank.
This is difficult.
I know, kid.
Remember, be direct, and be compassionate.
Don't drop the knife until his legs stop twitching.
I'm not stabbing anyone.
Hear him out.
There are no bad ideas.
Look, just don't let him guilt you with those puppy dog eyes and the shoulder rubbing.
Ugh.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, the guy still represents Boots.
I mean, that cat practically prints money.
Boots! Don't leave me, Boots! You can't fire me! Hello, Maddie and company! How's my number one client? - Well, not so good.
- Terrific.
Who wants coffee? - I'll take one.
- Oh.
Excellent.
There's a car dealership next door.
Pretend you're interested.
They'll give you a free cup.
Come on in.
So how's New Jersey treating you? Ducky.
I mean, why be in Manhattan when you can look at Manhattan? Was that Boots we saw when we were coming in? Boots is yesterday's litter box, and that is great news for you because I've been killing myself trying to juggle the two of you.
But now, it's just you.
We've done it, darling.
We're right on track.
- Right.
- Uh, so, Stanford, um, you know my costar in the play, Hollis Whimsy? Yes, absolutely.
Help me out again.
What play are we talking about? The Broadway play that your only client is starring in.
Anyway, it seems that Hollis has been getting quite a few auditions lately.
Well, who's on television 20 times a day in Lebanon? - Do it! - So anyway, I was thinking that maybe it's time for a change.
Agh, uh, wait.
Now, we're in the middle of some big moves here, darling.
Big moves! And you want to jump ship? No! I won't allow it.
That's a deal breaker for me.
Well, it's nothing personal.
I just think You don't have to think, darling.
I do the think! Give me till the end of the day to show you what I've been workin on.
I mean, after all, does 20 years mean nothing to you, Maddie? I took a chance on you when no one else would.
What do you say? - Okay.
- Ah.
Well, I got bad news.
I bought a van.
Put some effort into it, you lazy monkey.
We have meat in here that moves faster than you.
- Hey.
- Hey! Welcome to Snarfdi's.
So this is where my son is working.
I'm guessing that "D" in the window doesn't stand for "delicious.
" Whoa, whoa, you did not tell me your mother is the famous actress Miss Madison Banks.
You've seen my work in the theater? No, I see your commercial in Tel Aviv! - This is Ahdoot, my coworker.
- Yes, I also make the signs.
- I think you spelled "meat" wrong.
- No, no, no, no.
That is correct.
We are not legally allowed to call it "meat.
" You guys take a seat.
I'll get you a snack.
So that's the guy who's been pushing him around? Yeah, it's got to be.
He's got a real weasel vibe.
Like this guy I know, Jimmy the weasel.
I just hope Arlo's strong enough to stand up to him.
Oh.
You should talk! You had one thing to do today fire Stan - and you chickened out.
- I didn't chicken out.
You chickened out.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Did somebody say the chickens have gotten out? No, we were talking about something else.
Whew.
You know, you two are ones to talk.
- You're afraid of children.
- Not children, those twins.
They make the girls in "the Shining" look like the Olsens.
Why are you laughing? You're afraid of stuff too.
Are you talking about Sinatra's ghost? Because I've seen him.
I'm talking about tunnels.
It took us three hours to get home because you're afraid to drive through the Holland tunnel.
No thinking person uses the tunnel.
I've conducted a scientific study that's determined there's no way it can hold up the Hudson river.
- You're not a scientist.
- I am also not a doctor.
Doesn't stop me from writing prescriptions.
Here you go.
So how'd it go with your agent? - Did you dump the poor schlub? - No, no, I thought about it, and I decided to give him a second chance.
I think I really lit a fire under his ass.
I wouldn't be surprised if Stanford didn't come through with a TV script or a movie role.
- You had a sandwich named after me? - I give you the Madison Banks.
You want corned beef? It's got corned beef.
You want more corned beef? It's got more corned beef.
So basically, it's a corned beef sandwich.
Yes, but don't ask for mustard.
Then it's a J.
Lo.
So this is your big move.
A sandwich Not a movie.
Not even a soap! This is the on-ramp, darling.
Your name will be out there now.
The power brokers of New York will be eating Maddie Banks - seven days a week.
- It's the '80s all over again.
All right, trip queens.
I'll take my shirt back.
Full boat.
I'll keep your shirt and take your You know what? I fold.
Knock, knock.
It's me, Hollis.
From the show.
Maddie, I'm taking the cast out to celebrate.
Celebrate what? Missing three entrances? No.
You are looking at Doctor Stripper, M.
D.
I got the part.
Hug me! That's great, Hollis, but I can't go out tonight.
- I'm sorry.
I have to go see my agent.
- Okay, well, come after.
All of you except Mr.
Hugsy.
- Look who has a nickname.
- In five, four That is it! Frank, get ready.
We're gonna go see Stanford.
And this time, I am gonna fire his ass.
Okay.
But, you know, if you can't, why don't you just sleep with him? You know, guys tend to leave town pretty fast after that.
- That isn't true.
- Yeah? What about Joe Namath? He sprinted out of your bedroom pretty quick.
Yeah.
He didn't run that fast when he was on the Jets.
For the hundredth time, he was late for practice.
He was 60.
How we doing today, girls? We're good, Thelma.
How did you know my name? - We're going to be best friends.
- Best friends forever.
- Stanford, we need to talk.
- Just a second.
I'm this close to getting you an audition - for the new Steven Spielberg movie.
- Really? Yes, in Hollywood.
The number for a Steven Spielberg.
- Listen - You look fabulous.
What have you done to your hair? - Don't change the subject.
- We didn't have a subject.
I thought the subject could be your hair.
I think the subject is my career, which we both know could use a little juice.
All right, let me stop you right there, darling.
Now, we have this town exactly where we want it.
Now, come on, as soon as this Spielberg thing comes through, we're going to be turning down offers.
Hello, what? You want Madison Banks to star in your new TV show? - Pass.
- Oh, my god.
Even in a fake call, you lose me parts.
Hello, it's me again.
We're reconsidering.
Oh, please stop.
- You're not making this any easier.
- Look, I'm not going to beg! But please don't leave me.
You're my last client.
We've been together from the start.
Don't fire me, Maddie.
I know.
It's not that I want to All right, fine, fine.
Then I'll get back to work, and we'll have lunch on Tuesday.
No, no, no.
We can't go on like this.
It it's a conflict of interest for us to work together, given our romantic feelings.
Wha The heat between us.
There's no heat.
I don't feel any heat.
I can't afford heat! Stop being strong for the both of us.
Stanford, we both know what we want.
What what are you doing? Don't don't do that.
Uh-oh, my dress fell open.
I-I don't see anything.
I'm not I'm not looking.
But I bet they're huge.
Stop.
St Ma Maddie, please stop.
Stop, stop.
Darling, you're making a fool of both of us.
Sweetheart, we cannot we cannot mix business and pleasure! That's because we have no business! Ooh right, all right.
Wait! Let me just think this through for a second! All right.
Oh, screw it.
Come on, darling.
Here we go! I can't quite - Back up! Back up! - I'll take a running start, then.
- Here we go! - Oh! You missed a spot, turd.
Arlo? Hey, Lucila, what are you doing here? Well, I wanted to see where you worked and to pick up dinner for the family since I burned everything in the kitchen.
- And the kitchen.
- Ah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I must be an English hunting dog, because I just spotted a fox.
Hey, baby, how would you like to take a ride on my Hey! Shut up! You don't talk to her like that ever again! - Now apologize.
- I'm so sorry.
Good.
Now I'm gonna take a break, and you're gonna do the mopping.
- Oh, Arlo.
So manly.
- Get used to it, baby.
Hey, quick question.
You never finished telling me what happened in that banana factory dream.
Well, that's a long story.
Oh.
I'm taking the rest of the day off.
So how did it go with Stan? You let him have it? Oh, yeah.
I let him have it, all right.
I don't think we'll be seeing any more of Stanford Temple.
Good for you.
That's very impressive.
Just get me home.
I need to take five showers and a tetanus shot.
You got it.
And it won't take long.
You know why? Because I'm going through the tunnel.
Really? Are you sure? More than sure.
You can face your fear, so can I.
And there it is.
I did it.
I'm in the tunnel.
I am in the tunnel under 4.
2 million cubic tons of water.
- And I can't breathe.
- Frank, what are you doing? Frank, what are you Frank! Okay, back it up! Everyone, just back it up! Frank, get back in the car! Is this how you want Sinatra's ghost to see you? You make a good point.
Are you watching, old blue eyes? Because this one's for you.
Oh, check out these great tunnels of the world.
Oh, look out, Chunnel.
I'm coming for you next.
Well, I'm done with my showers.
I should rob a bank.
I don't think I have any fingerprints left.
Oh, Arlo, I didn't know you were home from work.
Yep, and let's just say that little issue - with Ahdoot is ah-moot.
- Ah.
What happened? Well, I took your advice, and I stood up for myself.
Right, my advice.
- Hello, gumdrop.
- What What the hell are you doing here, Stanford? Well, now that I have no more clients, I'm all yours, 24/7.
Stanford, are you sure you wouldn't rather leave town hastily? I'm told that's a popular response.
Not on your life.
I thought we might have another go.
Second verse, same as the first.
Oh, wait, Stanford, no, look, my there's my son right there.
Ah! Well, let's make more of them, eh? Okay, okay, hang on.
You gave me up, but you can't get rid of this yutz? Good point.
Stanford, you need a wake-up call.
I'm not interested in you.
Not as a boyfriend, not as an agent, not as anything.
Think of us as friends with benefits who aren't friends and have no benefits.
Are you quite sure, Maddie? Because there's lots of things we haven't tried yet.
And secondly and I say this in all earnest.
This is for your own good.
Ponytails are for little girls and ponies.
You're fired, Stanford! - So we'll be in touch.
- No.
- I'll call you.
- I'll hang up.
So this is good-bye, but not farewell.
- No, it's both.
- But Congratulations, you did it.
I did I did it.
Oh, my god.
Arlo, do you know what this means? Yes! Now that I'm back in your life, the separation anxiety and guilt that you once suffered from is gone.
No! It means I get a new agent! You'll get used to it.
Is Thelma here? Coming! It's time to play.
They want me to wear this.
I don't wanna anger them.