LA to Vegas (2018) s01e11 Episode Script
Jack Silver
1 - Did I miss him? - Yes.
That's why we're all standing here like fools, - because he's already arrived.
- Ooh.
Someone's on edge.
You back on those Norwegian diet pills? We're all on edge, Ronnie.
We're about to meet the owner of Jackpot Airlines; he's an actual billionaire.
I've never met a billionaire.
Or a millionaire.
I used to love being around rich people.
But now they're all just nerds, riding fold-up bicycles.
It's crazy.
This guy can change our lives or destroy us with the snap of his fingers.
Oh, no, no.
Jack Silver isn't like that.
He's not your standard, snobby rich guy.
He's self-made, chill, and totally down-to-earth.
He's a recovering addict.
He's done all 36 steps.
- 12.
- He's done them three times.
[BAND PLAYING "LA MARSEILLAISE".]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
I am not Jack Silver.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[DRUMROLL.]
- [CYMBAL STRIKES.]
- I am Jack Silver.
Greetings, my Jackpot family! - [CHEERING.]
- [BAND PLAYING MARCH.]
See? He's totally down-to-earth.
What was that? [SHOUTING OVER MUSIC.]
: He's totally down-to-earth! PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
Hi.
Jack Silver.
Nice to meet you.
Jack Silver.
Captain Dave.
I'll be your pilot.
It's my honor to be the man who gets to please you today.
Let me tell you something, Dave.
Can I call you Dave? Of course I can.
I own the airline.
I could call you Tessa if I wanted to.
Make you wear a baby bonnet, put a pacifier in your mouth and fly the plane that way, but I'm not gonna do that.
- Thank you.
- You see, Tessa, between us boys, today's flight is kind of a P.
R.
move.
Show that I'm a man of the people.
You know, I've been suffering a little bad press lately.
Turns out one of my companies manufactures allergy pens in converted peanut factories.
Man, that got people really mad.
And sick, I guess.
When I was a kid, there weren't allergies, just swollen days and un-swollen days.
I got a good feeling about you, kid.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Mr.
Silver.
Hi.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves.
- We're your flight crew today.
- Oh.
You guys are the heart and soul of the airline.
That's why I look in-house when I hire crew for my private plane, Jack Force One.
It's a heck of an opportunity.
World travel, exotic locales, real expensive, and real funky cheese.
Play your cards right, who knows, one of you could be next.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
At the risk of sounding profoundly British, - what's all this, then? - Oh.
Jack Silver, who runs Jackpot Airlines, is gonna be on our flight today.
- Artem's not happy.
- Yeah, when I heard there's gonna be a celebrity on our flight, I put a bet on Michael Jackson.
- Um, he's dead.
- Yeah, I know that now.
Oh, I'm on a cold streak.
There's no such thing as cold streaks.
You're more likely making poor bets.
You have to select wagers that are pragmatic and mathematically advantageous.
That is why not to brag I've yet to lose a wager.
You think you're so smart because you've never lost a bet? I think Artem and I can come up with a bet you'll lose.
Okay, well, good luck.
You know, I welcome the challenge.
Also, did you really not know that Michael Jackson was dead? Ah, my Internet was out for most of 2009.
But it's working now.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Don't lie to me.
You reek of citrus and deceit.
Fine.
I'm trying to impress Jack, okay? I read on his Wikipedia that his favorite drink is rainwater and lime.
Oh, Ronnie.
Much like chunky jewelry, desperation is a bad look on you.
Really? Okay, well, what's in your bag? Well, well, well.
If it isn't the pot calling the kettle bla frican-American.
Let's just admit it, we both want that job.
You get to travel the world; I can finally go to Morocco and deal with my rug trader in person.
I know Umer's scamming me.
Bernard, you don't want to get into a competition with me.
You know I do all the dirty work around here.
If Cher held your hand during her Heart of Stone world tour, you wouldn't use it to touch filthy duffel bags, either.
Oh.
Let's just ask Nichole.
Nichole, who's the better flight attendant, - me or Bernard? - Come on, guys.
You're putting me in really difficult Bernard.
- Are you serious? - Bernard just makes it look so effortless.
You're always running around all pissed and stressed and pit stain-y.
Yeah.
That's because I'm the one actually doing stuff.
You know, I can't believe you.
We almost went to the Women's March together.
- You're the one that overslept.
- Yeah, I said almost.
- [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
- DAVE: Captain Dave here.
You know when you're on a roll at the tables and you don't want to go to sleep and your dealer's MIA? Then do what I do: get a B12 shot from Dr.
Legit on level three of the Bellagio parking structure.
Cash only.
What are you doing so close to a piece of meat - you can't afford? - Oh, it's Jack's lunch.
He personally asked me to prepare it for him.
So it looks like all my hard work is finally gonna pay off, and I'll be the one traveling the world, jet-setting from Bangkok to It should not take you that long to think of a second foreign city.
Also, you're doing that wrong.
You forgot the sauce.
- There was sauce? - I love you, but this is my destiny.
No! Hey! Give that back! [BOTH GASP.]
It's okay.
Five-second rule.
It's not okay.
I've thrown away shoes that have touched this carpet.
Just make another one.
There isn't another one.
Jack's personal chef prepared it for him.
He has a very sensitive stomach.
- What do we do? - Okay, here.
Just, um There.
Wipe it off.
All right, there we go.
See? Good as new.
It's like it never happened.
- [RONNIE SIGHS.]
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
You see? All good.
Crisis averted.
- Crisis enlarged.
- Oh that's bad.
This is officially the first time I've ever hated being on camera.
You boys mind if I fly the friendlies with you for a while? Mind? We'd be honored.
- Alan, get your ass up.
- Yes, sir! Have a seat, Mr.
Silver.
Thank you.
[GROANS.]
This takes me back to my old flying days.
I still use a lot of lessons from back then, like: Wherever you go, always carry a gun and a parachute.
And don't buy either from an Irish.
You're a fountain of knowledge I can't stop drinking from.
Well, you see, Dave, the secret to business, and life, is to underthink it, buddy.
- Mm.
- I talk about it all in my book, Underthink It, Buddy.
I loved that one.
It was so brave to release a book with so many spelling errors.
What about you, Dave? You got any big swings left in those arms? - What's your dream? - I'm living my dream.
I'm a pilot.
If you're doing it awake, it can't be your dream.
Come on, what is it? I I don't know.
Let me underthink it for you.
Your dream is to open a bar.
You look like a guy that can sling drinks.
Oh, wow.
I never knew it until this moment, but you're absolutely right.
I can see it now.
I'm pouring drinks, there's a band playing.
My accountant comes in and says, "Captain Dave", you've run out of funds.
We have to close the bar.
" But I say, "Wait, this is just the beginning of my dream.
" I never got to serve my signature drink: beer.
" AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Jackpot 1610, we got a call in for Jack Silver from someone named Tito.
Oh.
It's my attorney.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Tito.
W-What's that now? [CHUCKLES.]
: Oh.
Gonna be a ton of media waiting for me in Vegas.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, FBI is gonna be there, too.
It's the allergy pen thing.
I'm being indicted.
Ooh, indicted? Like into the Hall of Fame? No, that's inducted, stupid.
Indicted means he's probably gonna be arrested.
Oh, you should meet my dad.
He's a lawyer.
Oh, but he's in jail.
Oh, but you could meet my dad.
Hey, buddy.
I was just coming over to see if you need anything.
Pretzels? Soda? Are you gonna rub them all over the floor first? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
You saw that? Cool, cool, cool.
Uh, just wondering, when you had your phone up earlier, - were you taping it? - Obvi.
That's short for "obviously.
" Yeah, I know what it's short for.
Once we land, and I get Wi-Fi, I'm posting this thing all over my social media.
Why would you do that? Because people love bad airline videos.
I'm finally gonna go viral.
I'm gonna dab with Ellen on daytime TV.
Quick sidebar.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, Mr.
Brain Boy.
Uh, we've been talking, and we have a bet for you.
You think you're so good with math and probabilities, but we bet you can't predict what time this plane will land.
Oh, dear.
See, this is why I don't lose at bets, because that is a bet I would never take.
Here's why.
Firstly, I have no control over the outcome.
I'm not flying the plane.
Secondly, there are too many variables: weather, wind speed, if Captain Dave forgot his keys again.
- So much talking.
- Hey, that's a bet.
We bet that you can only say 150 words for the entire flight.
- [SCOFFS.]
- ARTEM: That's so good! - Because he never shuts up.
- Yes.
I'm gonna put $1,000 on that bet.
Well, I am in control of what I say, so I will take that bet.
You're on.
- Okay.
- Poor choice of bets, my friend.
Oh, that's nine words.
- That was six.
- Now it's nine.
Ah, this is gonna be like taking shoes from baby.
Don't you want to ask me what I do with those baby shoes? You should.
It's pretty weird.
RONNIE [OVER VIDEO.]
: It's okay.
Five-second rule.
We are screwed, Bernard.
Why did you have to steal that steak from me? Why'd you have to drop it? What's the point of your lumberjack hands if you can't hold on to anything? You know what? The next time there's a bird loose in the house, you're catching it yourself.
It doesn't matter anyway.
If we don't get that video back and he posts it, - we're gonna lose our jobs.
- Oh, man.
The only thing worse than working for Jackpot is being fired from Jackpot.
I mean, what do you even do after that? You work for Greyhound.
Oh, my God.
BOTH: We have to get that video back.
BERNARD [OVER VIDEO.]
: I've thrown away shoes that have touched this carpet.
The FBI clearly has the wrong man.
Ugh.
It's so easy to blame the white billionaires.
Eh, it's no big deal.
Guy like me, being indicted is like a rite of passage, like buying your first congressman.
So cool.
Most guys would run away from that type of thing, but you face it head on, like a man.
You damn right.
So let's turn this bird around and fly to Mexico, like a man.
- Wait, what? - Keep up, Dave.
The police are waiting for me in Vegas.
We can't go there.
The sad truth is there's only one place that a man of my stature can get justice in America, and that's Mexico.
I can't just fly all these people down - to Central America.
- Come on.
It'll be an adventure.
Two handsome fugitives on the run.
We don't even have to learn Spanish.
We'll just speak English louder.
Actually, I already habla Spanish, but no.
- This is un poquito crazy.
- Dave, I didn't want to have to play this card, but I am your boss.
There's two ways this can go: stay on course to Vegas, I fire you; or fly me to Mexico, and I bankroll your bar.
Hey, Colin.
Guess spilling your tea on that old lady really shaved some words off, huh? - - That was quite the apology.
- Yeah.
[GROANS.]
- 63.
You know, I recently heard a phrase, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
" Do you have an opinion on that? Oh, I realized you never finished telling me why economics is technically a romance language.
He's holding out better than we thought.
Guess there's something to a Cambridge education.
Oxford! It was Oxford! I wouldn't be caught dead at Cambridge.
Haven't you heard the song, "Cambridge, we're lamebridge, we're Oxford's drainage"? Gotcha.
- Gotcha good.
- Hey, buddy.
I don't know if you know this, but once we hit 30,000 feet, there's no age limit.
So if you want a beer, we could totally work that out.
Alcohol isn't even cool anymore.
You know what is? Keeping all of your brain cells.
All right, let's get down to business, kid.
Between the two of us, we have I've got $213.
We have exactly 200 bucks.
I need to borrow $13.
I don't want your money.
My family is rich.
We eat at Benihana even when it's not my birthday.
You are never, ever getting this video back.
This is not fair.
I have been working for this company for five years, and this is the moment that everyone's gonna see? No one notices that I work my ass off for this airline.
I've sacrificed friendships, my health.
- Look what the altitude's done to my hair.
- Damn! One of your split ends just shanked me.
Just once, I would like a little recognition.
A-A little credit.
A genuine thank you.
- Thank you.
- I said genuine.
Thank you.
- Your fake sincerity is scary good.
- Thank you.
Ronnie, can we chat in my office? I've got a delicate situation.
This is a highly sensitive matter, Bernard, - or I'd invite you, too.
- Thank you.
So, let me get this straight.
Jack Silver is wanted by the FBI and offered to buy you a bar My lifelong dream.
if you agree to turn this plane around and fly him and all of our paying passengers to Mexico.
And you're asking me if that's okay? - Yes, that's right.
- Dave.
Fine, fine.
I was hoping to get Fun Ronnie on this one, not Rules Ronnie.
I know I can't actually do it.
Damn it, I hate being right all the time.
- Can we leave the bathroom now? - Oh, yeah, sure.
[KEYPAD BUZZES.]
Hey, Jack.
I'm a little locked out.
Can you let me in? Sorry, man.
No can do.
I'm the captain now, and we're headed to Me-hi-co.
- Jack hijacked the plane? - Shh.
If the passengers hear that we've been [WHISPERS.]
: hijacked, - they'll freak out.
- All right, let's calm down.
Is this technically even an HJ? I mean, it's his plane.
He owns it.
You can't HJ yourself.
I have to talk quickly while Nichole and Artem aren't watching.
Please tell me what's going on.
Should I be worried? What's with all the hushed tones? Okay, here's the update.
That's 26 words, Artem.
- You're down to five words.
- Et tu, Bernard? He just used Latin.
Does that count? Uh, that counts double.
- Yeah, no more words for you.
- Everything's fine.
Just go back to your seat.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh.
Jack.
I just wanted to say thanks for being so cool - about me taking the plane.
- No one is cool about this.
You can't just freak out every time you don't get your way and say, "Let's go to Mexico.
" You're not my dad after a custody hearing.
It's just a quick stop.
You'll drop me off, and then you'll do whatever all this is.
Alan, can you hear me? You're the only one who can stop this.
Do something! ALAN: Okay! - [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- What did I miss? Just an opportunity to prove your life matters.
Wow.
My horoscope was dead-on this morning.
Oh, we should use the override code to get into the cockpit.
Jack changed it once he took over.
Oh, my God.
Well, if that's the case - [DOOR UNLOCKS.]
- How'd you do that? The code was 1111.
He underthunk it.
That guy should regular think sometimes.
Hey.
You guessed the code.
You must've read my book.
Yeah.
It wasn't a hard read.
Last 20 pages were you just thanking your boats.
[PASSENGERS WHOOPING.]
This must be hard for you, eh? Because you can't say anything, and I can say everything.
So, have you been to Redondo Beach? I like Redondo Beach.
Isn't "Redondo" a very funny word? [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Redondo.
Redondo.
Redondo, Redondoo Redondoo Jack, you can't take this plane to Mexico.
Let's talk about this when I get back from Mexico.
There's nothing you're gonna say that's gonna talk me out of it.
But I give you "A" for effort, and you make a heck of a steak.
Right, your steak.
There is something you should know about that, and your delicate tummy might not like it.
[JACK VOMITS.]
All right, someone go point us back to Vegas.
[ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
Hey, passengers.
Sorry for the delay.
We are now starting our descent.
Flight attendants, please prepare for landing.
Well, that's my cue.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Hold that.
Been a strange flight.
Mostly 'cause of me.
I think it'd be better for everyone mostly me If I just left.
Can I get that parachute back? Thanks, champ.
You're easy to talk to.
[ELECTRONIC CHIMING.]
What are you doing? Why making "T"? Oh! Ronnie, Colin wants his tea! Everybody, a man is about to jump off the plane! [PASSENGERS GASPING, MURMURING.]
I know you have a lot of choices when you fly.
Thanks for flying Jackpot.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [ALARM BEEPING.]
- [AIR RUSHING.]
[PASSENGERS EXCLAIMING.]
That was ten words.
You lose the bet.
On behalf of Jackpot, we apologize for the incident on the plane.
Please accept this $100 voucher for your next flight on any other airline.
Hey, are you okay? That was really scary for all of us, so it must have been terrifying for you.
Jackpot lawyers will not let me confirm nor deny that our CEO jumped out of a plane, so legally I'm not allowed to feel any emotion about it.
I know all about nondisclosures.
I'm a finalist to be Tom Cruise's next wife.
I'm not gonna do it, but they fixed my teeth.
But the good news is you didn't do anything, so they can't blame you.
No, but I'm still probably gonna get fired.
That dumb kid took a narc-y video of me on the plane.
That sucks.
Maybe I can help.
Here's the deal, kid.
Delete that video of my flight attendant friends, and I'll pretend to be your girlfriend - for the next three months.
- I already have a girlfriend.
Her name is Kelsey, but she's a Mormon, so she doesn't have a phone.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
Here's what I'm offering.
One FaceTime a week, four flirty text messages, and you can pick one of three reasons to break up with me: I'm too jealous, I'm too clingy, or I didn't laugh enough at Rick and Morty.
Throw in one of your bras, and you got yourself a deal.
- No.
- Deal.
Ah! That was amazing.
- Thank you so much for doing that.
- Of course.
You're the best, Ronnie.
I didn't want to tell Bernard, but the only reason I fly Jackpot is 'cause you take care of me.
Oh, my God! You have no idea how bad I needed to hear that today.
Thank you.
A-Artem, do not worry.
I have been doing the math, and if I buckle down and tutor six kids a week, I will have your money in - 68 months.
- Don't worry.
It's okay.
I've wiped out your debt in my book.
And I will also cover the losses for Nichole.
What? Why would you do that? It's my thank you to you because I won my first bet in weeks.
You have ended my cold streak.
I-I'm happy to help.
Besides, when I lost my first bet on a rigged chicken fight, I lost a lot of money and my dinner.
But my father, bless his heart, he covered my debt.
So I thought, do the same for you.
Thank you, Artem.
You're not just a good gambler, you're a good man.
I'm your daddy now, Colin.
Sorry you ended up with nothing.
I didn't end up with nothing, Alan.
I realized my dream of opening a bar.
That's a lot more than most people can say.
I think I ended up with a lot.
No, it seems like you ended up with nothing.
Good news, Bernard.
Our national nightmare is over.
- Tanner deleted the video.
- Oh, thank God.
Now I can go back to fighting my real nemesis, Father Time.
Ronnie, you deserve that job with Jack.
You're the hardest working person on our plane.
You make us all look better.
So the next time an eccentric billionaire offers us a life-changing opportunity, I promise, in that one situation, to stand down.
Today was one for the books, my friends.
To that crazy bastard, Jack Silver.
Wherever he is.
Finally free, living it up, not a care in the world.
ALL: To Jack.
Ugh.
Alright.
That's why we're all standing here like fools, - because he's already arrived.
- Ooh.
Someone's on edge.
You back on those Norwegian diet pills? We're all on edge, Ronnie.
We're about to meet the owner of Jackpot Airlines; he's an actual billionaire.
I've never met a billionaire.
Or a millionaire.
I used to love being around rich people.
But now they're all just nerds, riding fold-up bicycles.
It's crazy.
This guy can change our lives or destroy us with the snap of his fingers.
Oh, no, no.
Jack Silver isn't like that.
He's not your standard, snobby rich guy.
He's self-made, chill, and totally down-to-earth.
He's a recovering addict.
He's done all 36 steps.
- 12.
- He's done them three times.
[BAND PLAYING "LA MARSEILLAISE".]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
I am not Jack Silver.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[DRUMROLL.]
- [CYMBAL STRIKES.]
- I am Jack Silver.
Greetings, my Jackpot family! - [CHEERING.]
- [BAND PLAYING MARCH.]
See? He's totally down-to-earth.
What was that? [SHOUTING OVER MUSIC.]
: He's totally down-to-earth! PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
Hi.
Jack Silver.
Nice to meet you.
Jack Silver.
Captain Dave.
I'll be your pilot.
It's my honor to be the man who gets to please you today.
Let me tell you something, Dave.
Can I call you Dave? Of course I can.
I own the airline.
I could call you Tessa if I wanted to.
Make you wear a baby bonnet, put a pacifier in your mouth and fly the plane that way, but I'm not gonna do that.
- Thank you.
- You see, Tessa, between us boys, today's flight is kind of a P.
R.
move.
Show that I'm a man of the people.
You know, I've been suffering a little bad press lately.
Turns out one of my companies manufactures allergy pens in converted peanut factories.
Man, that got people really mad.
And sick, I guess.
When I was a kid, there weren't allergies, just swollen days and un-swollen days.
I got a good feeling about you, kid.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Mr.
Silver.
Hi.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves.
- We're your flight crew today.
- Oh.
You guys are the heart and soul of the airline.
That's why I look in-house when I hire crew for my private plane, Jack Force One.
It's a heck of an opportunity.
World travel, exotic locales, real expensive, and real funky cheese.
Play your cards right, who knows, one of you could be next.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
At the risk of sounding profoundly British, - what's all this, then? - Oh.
Jack Silver, who runs Jackpot Airlines, is gonna be on our flight today.
- Artem's not happy.
- Yeah, when I heard there's gonna be a celebrity on our flight, I put a bet on Michael Jackson.
- Um, he's dead.
- Yeah, I know that now.
Oh, I'm on a cold streak.
There's no such thing as cold streaks.
You're more likely making poor bets.
You have to select wagers that are pragmatic and mathematically advantageous.
That is why not to brag I've yet to lose a wager.
You think you're so smart because you've never lost a bet? I think Artem and I can come up with a bet you'll lose.
Okay, well, good luck.
You know, I welcome the challenge.
Also, did you really not know that Michael Jackson was dead? Ah, my Internet was out for most of 2009.
But it's working now.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Don't lie to me.
You reek of citrus and deceit.
Fine.
I'm trying to impress Jack, okay? I read on his Wikipedia that his favorite drink is rainwater and lime.
Oh, Ronnie.
Much like chunky jewelry, desperation is a bad look on you.
Really? Okay, well, what's in your bag? Well, well, well.
If it isn't the pot calling the kettle bla frican-American.
Let's just admit it, we both want that job.
You get to travel the world; I can finally go to Morocco and deal with my rug trader in person.
I know Umer's scamming me.
Bernard, you don't want to get into a competition with me.
You know I do all the dirty work around here.
If Cher held your hand during her Heart of Stone world tour, you wouldn't use it to touch filthy duffel bags, either.
Oh.
Let's just ask Nichole.
Nichole, who's the better flight attendant, - me or Bernard? - Come on, guys.
You're putting me in really difficult Bernard.
- Are you serious? - Bernard just makes it look so effortless.
You're always running around all pissed and stressed and pit stain-y.
Yeah.
That's because I'm the one actually doing stuff.
You know, I can't believe you.
We almost went to the Women's March together.
- You're the one that overslept.
- Yeah, I said almost.
- [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
- DAVE: Captain Dave here.
You know when you're on a roll at the tables and you don't want to go to sleep and your dealer's MIA? Then do what I do: get a B12 shot from Dr.
Legit on level three of the Bellagio parking structure.
Cash only.
What are you doing so close to a piece of meat - you can't afford? - Oh, it's Jack's lunch.
He personally asked me to prepare it for him.
So it looks like all my hard work is finally gonna pay off, and I'll be the one traveling the world, jet-setting from Bangkok to It should not take you that long to think of a second foreign city.
Also, you're doing that wrong.
You forgot the sauce.
- There was sauce? - I love you, but this is my destiny.
No! Hey! Give that back! [BOTH GASP.]
It's okay.
Five-second rule.
It's not okay.
I've thrown away shoes that have touched this carpet.
Just make another one.
There isn't another one.
Jack's personal chef prepared it for him.
He has a very sensitive stomach.
- What do we do? - Okay, here.
Just, um There.
Wipe it off.
All right, there we go.
See? Good as new.
It's like it never happened.
- [RONNIE SIGHS.]
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
You see? All good.
Crisis averted.
- Crisis enlarged.
- Oh that's bad.
This is officially the first time I've ever hated being on camera.
You boys mind if I fly the friendlies with you for a while? Mind? We'd be honored.
- Alan, get your ass up.
- Yes, sir! Have a seat, Mr.
Silver.
Thank you.
[GROANS.]
This takes me back to my old flying days.
I still use a lot of lessons from back then, like: Wherever you go, always carry a gun and a parachute.
And don't buy either from an Irish.
You're a fountain of knowledge I can't stop drinking from.
Well, you see, Dave, the secret to business, and life, is to underthink it, buddy.
- Mm.
- I talk about it all in my book, Underthink It, Buddy.
I loved that one.
It was so brave to release a book with so many spelling errors.
What about you, Dave? You got any big swings left in those arms? - What's your dream? - I'm living my dream.
I'm a pilot.
If you're doing it awake, it can't be your dream.
Come on, what is it? I I don't know.
Let me underthink it for you.
Your dream is to open a bar.
You look like a guy that can sling drinks.
Oh, wow.
I never knew it until this moment, but you're absolutely right.
I can see it now.
I'm pouring drinks, there's a band playing.
My accountant comes in and says, "Captain Dave", you've run out of funds.
We have to close the bar.
" But I say, "Wait, this is just the beginning of my dream.
" I never got to serve my signature drink: beer.
" AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Jackpot 1610, we got a call in for Jack Silver from someone named Tito.
Oh.
It's my attorney.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Tito.
W-What's that now? [CHUCKLES.]
: Oh.
Gonna be a ton of media waiting for me in Vegas.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, FBI is gonna be there, too.
It's the allergy pen thing.
I'm being indicted.
Ooh, indicted? Like into the Hall of Fame? No, that's inducted, stupid.
Indicted means he's probably gonna be arrested.
Oh, you should meet my dad.
He's a lawyer.
Oh, but he's in jail.
Oh, but you could meet my dad.
Hey, buddy.
I was just coming over to see if you need anything.
Pretzels? Soda? Are you gonna rub them all over the floor first? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
You saw that? Cool, cool, cool.
Uh, just wondering, when you had your phone up earlier, - were you taping it? - Obvi.
That's short for "obviously.
" Yeah, I know what it's short for.
Once we land, and I get Wi-Fi, I'm posting this thing all over my social media.
Why would you do that? Because people love bad airline videos.
I'm finally gonna go viral.
I'm gonna dab with Ellen on daytime TV.
Quick sidebar.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, Mr.
Brain Boy.
Uh, we've been talking, and we have a bet for you.
You think you're so good with math and probabilities, but we bet you can't predict what time this plane will land.
Oh, dear.
See, this is why I don't lose at bets, because that is a bet I would never take.
Here's why.
Firstly, I have no control over the outcome.
I'm not flying the plane.
Secondly, there are too many variables: weather, wind speed, if Captain Dave forgot his keys again.
- So much talking.
- Hey, that's a bet.
We bet that you can only say 150 words for the entire flight.
- [SCOFFS.]
- ARTEM: That's so good! - Because he never shuts up.
- Yes.
I'm gonna put $1,000 on that bet.
Well, I am in control of what I say, so I will take that bet.
You're on.
- Okay.
- Poor choice of bets, my friend.
Oh, that's nine words.
- That was six.
- Now it's nine.
Ah, this is gonna be like taking shoes from baby.
Don't you want to ask me what I do with those baby shoes? You should.
It's pretty weird.
RONNIE [OVER VIDEO.]
: It's okay.
Five-second rule.
We are screwed, Bernard.
Why did you have to steal that steak from me? Why'd you have to drop it? What's the point of your lumberjack hands if you can't hold on to anything? You know what? The next time there's a bird loose in the house, you're catching it yourself.
It doesn't matter anyway.
If we don't get that video back and he posts it, - we're gonna lose our jobs.
- Oh, man.
The only thing worse than working for Jackpot is being fired from Jackpot.
I mean, what do you even do after that? You work for Greyhound.
Oh, my God.
BOTH: We have to get that video back.
BERNARD [OVER VIDEO.]
: I've thrown away shoes that have touched this carpet.
The FBI clearly has the wrong man.
Ugh.
It's so easy to blame the white billionaires.
Eh, it's no big deal.
Guy like me, being indicted is like a rite of passage, like buying your first congressman.
So cool.
Most guys would run away from that type of thing, but you face it head on, like a man.
You damn right.
So let's turn this bird around and fly to Mexico, like a man.
- Wait, what? - Keep up, Dave.
The police are waiting for me in Vegas.
We can't go there.
The sad truth is there's only one place that a man of my stature can get justice in America, and that's Mexico.
I can't just fly all these people down - to Central America.
- Come on.
It'll be an adventure.
Two handsome fugitives on the run.
We don't even have to learn Spanish.
We'll just speak English louder.
Actually, I already habla Spanish, but no.
- This is un poquito crazy.
- Dave, I didn't want to have to play this card, but I am your boss.
There's two ways this can go: stay on course to Vegas, I fire you; or fly me to Mexico, and I bankroll your bar.
Hey, Colin.
Guess spilling your tea on that old lady really shaved some words off, huh? - - That was quite the apology.
- Yeah.
[GROANS.]
- 63.
You know, I recently heard a phrase, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
" Do you have an opinion on that? Oh, I realized you never finished telling me why economics is technically a romance language.
He's holding out better than we thought.
Guess there's something to a Cambridge education.
Oxford! It was Oxford! I wouldn't be caught dead at Cambridge.
Haven't you heard the song, "Cambridge, we're lamebridge, we're Oxford's drainage"? Gotcha.
- Gotcha good.
- Hey, buddy.
I don't know if you know this, but once we hit 30,000 feet, there's no age limit.
So if you want a beer, we could totally work that out.
Alcohol isn't even cool anymore.
You know what is? Keeping all of your brain cells.
All right, let's get down to business, kid.
Between the two of us, we have I've got $213.
We have exactly 200 bucks.
I need to borrow $13.
I don't want your money.
My family is rich.
We eat at Benihana even when it's not my birthday.
You are never, ever getting this video back.
This is not fair.
I have been working for this company for five years, and this is the moment that everyone's gonna see? No one notices that I work my ass off for this airline.
I've sacrificed friendships, my health.
- Look what the altitude's done to my hair.
- Damn! One of your split ends just shanked me.
Just once, I would like a little recognition.
A-A little credit.
A genuine thank you.
- Thank you.
- I said genuine.
Thank you.
- Your fake sincerity is scary good.
- Thank you.
Ronnie, can we chat in my office? I've got a delicate situation.
This is a highly sensitive matter, Bernard, - or I'd invite you, too.
- Thank you.
So, let me get this straight.
Jack Silver is wanted by the FBI and offered to buy you a bar My lifelong dream.
if you agree to turn this plane around and fly him and all of our paying passengers to Mexico.
And you're asking me if that's okay? - Yes, that's right.
- Dave.
Fine, fine.
I was hoping to get Fun Ronnie on this one, not Rules Ronnie.
I know I can't actually do it.
Damn it, I hate being right all the time.
- Can we leave the bathroom now? - Oh, yeah, sure.
[KEYPAD BUZZES.]
Hey, Jack.
I'm a little locked out.
Can you let me in? Sorry, man.
No can do.
I'm the captain now, and we're headed to Me-hi-co.
- Jack hijacked the plane? - Shh.
If the passengers hear that we've been [WHISPERS.]
: hijacked, - they'll freak out.
- All right, let's calm down.
Is this technically even an HJ? I mean, it's his plane.
He owns it.
You can't HJ yourself.
I have to talk quickly while Nichole and Artem aren't watching.
Please tell me what's going on.
Should I be worried? What's with all the hushed tones? Okay, here's the update.
That's 26 words, Artem.
- You're down to five words.
- Et tu, Bernard? He just used Latin.
Does that count? Uh, that counts double.
- Yeah, no more words for you.
- Everything's fine.
Just go back to your seat.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh.
Jack.
I just wanted to say thanks for being so cool - about me taking the plane.
- No one is cool about this.
You can't just freak out every time you don't get your way and say, "Let's go to Mexico.
" You're not my dad after a custody hearing.
It's just a quick stop.
You'll drop me off, and then you'll do whatever all this is.
Alan, can you hear me? You're the only one who can stop this.
Do something! ALAN: Okay! - [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- What did I miss? Just an opportunity to prove your life matters.
Wow.
My horoscope was dead-on this morning.
Oh, we should use the override code to get into the cockpit.
Jack changed it once he took over.
Oh, my God.
Well, if that's the case - [DOOR UNLOCKS.]
- How'd you do that? The code was 1111.
He underthunk it.
That guy should regular think sometimes.
Hey.
You guessed the code.
You must've read my book.
Yeah.
It wasn't a hard read.
Last 20 pages were you just thanking your boats.
[PASSENGERS WHOOPING.]
This must be hard for you, eh? Because you can't say anything, and I can say everything.
So, have you been to Redondo Beach? I like Redondo Beach.
Isn't "Redondo" a very funny word? [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Redondo.
Redondo.
Redondo, Redondoo Redondoo Jack, you can't take this plane to Mexico.
Let's talk about this when I get back from Mexico.
There's nothing you're gonna say that's gonna talk me out of it.
But I give you "A" for effort, and you make a heck of a steak.
Right, your steak.
There is something you should know about that, and your delicate tummy might not like it.
[JACK VOMITS.]
All right, someone go point us back to Vegas.
[ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
Hey, passengers.
Sorry for the delay.
We are now starting our descent.
Flight attendants, please prepare for landing.
Well, that's my cue.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Hold that.
Been a strange flight.
Mostly 'cause of me.
I think it'd be better for everyone mostly me If I just left.
Can I get that parachute back? Thanks, champ.
You're easy to talk to.
[ELECTRONIC CHIMING.]
What are you doing? Why making "T"? Oh! Ronnie, Colin wants his tea! Everybody, a man is about to jump off the plane! [PASSENGERS GASPING, MURMURING.]
I know you have a lot of choices when you fly.
Thanks for flying Jackpot.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [ALARM BEEPING.]
- [AIR RUSHING.]
[PASSENGERS EXCLAIMING.]
That was ten words.
You lose the bet.
On behalf of Jackpot, we apologize for the incident on the plane.
Please accept this $100 voucher for your next flight on any other airline.
Hey, are you okay? That was really scary for all of us, so it must have been terrifying for you.
Jackpot lawyers will not let me confirm nor deny that our CEO jumped out of a plane, so legally I'm not allowed to feel any emotion about it.
I know all about nondisclosures.
I'm a finalist to be Tom Cruise's next wife.
I'm not gonna do it, but they fixed my teeth.
But the good news is you didn't do anything, so they can't blame you.
No, but I'm still probably gonna get fired.
That dumb kid took a narc-y video of me on the plane.
That sucks.
Maybe I can help.
Here's the deal, kid.
Delete that video of my flight attendant friends, and I'll pretend to be your girlfriend - for the next three months.
- I already have a girlfriend.
Her name is Kelsey, but she's a Mormon, so she doesn't have a phone.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
Here's what I'm offering.
One FaceTime a week, four flirty text messages, and you can pick one of three reasons to break up with me: I'm too jealous, I'm too clingy, or I didn't laugh enough at Rick and Morty.
Throw in one of your bras, and you got yourself a deal.
- No.
- Deal.
Ah! That was amazing.
- Thank you so much for doing that.
- Of course.
You're the best, Ronnie.
I didn't want to tell Bernard, but the only reason I fly Jackpot is 'cause you take care of me.
Oh, my God! You have no idea how bad I needed to hear that today.
Thank you.
A-Artem, do not worry.
I have been doing the math, and if I buckle down and tutor six kids a week, I will have your money in - 68 months.
- Don't worry.
It's okay.
I've wiped out your debt in my book.
And I will also cover the losses for Nichole.
What? Why would you do that? It's my thank you to you because I won my first bet in weeks.
You have ended my cold streak.
I-I'm happy to help.
Besides, when I lost my first bet on a rigged chicken fight, I lost a lot of money and my dinner.
But my father, bless his heart, he covered my debt.
So I thought, do the same for you.
Thank you, Artem.
You're not just a good gambler, you're a good man.
I'm your daddy now, Colin.
Sorry you ended up with nothing.
I didn't end up with nothing, Alan.
I realized my dream of opening a bar.
That's a lot more than most people can say.
I think I ended up with a lot.
No, it seems like you ended up with nothing.
Good news, Bernard.
Our national nightmare is over.
- Tanner deleted the video.
- Oh, thank God.
Now I can go back to fighting my real nemesis, Father Time.
Ronnie, you deserve that job with Jack.
You're the hardest working person on our plane.
You make us all look better.
So the next time an eccentric billionaire offers us a life-changing opportunity, I promise, in that one situation, to stand down.
Today was one for the books, my friends.
To that crazy bastard, Jack Silver.
Wherever he is.
Finally free, living it up, not a care in the world.
ALL: To Jack.
Ugh.
Alright.