Life with Boys (2011) s01e11 Episode Script
Bathroom Battles with Boys
The bathroom is now open.
Where's your sister? I don't know.
It is a puzzle.
Dad! Let the games begin.
Morning, boys.
Who saw that one coming? This girl.
And that girl.
In anybody else's hands, an ordinary paper clip.
But in mine It's the magic key to the land of wee-wee.
Looks like someone's dreams of bathroom domination have just been flushed down the toilet.
Dad! You got to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool this girl.
Okay.
Dad! Okay.
I may have let this go too far.
"Dad, Dad.
" Ugh.
It's just not fair! There's three of them and they can all go in at once, and they take three times as long.
So if I don't get in there first I spend most of my time cleaning up their mess.
This doesn't just happen, you know.
And that's before I even brush my teeth! So sometimes I suffer from excessive bladder pressure! I thought she'd still be talking.
You're all done talking.
You know, I let this go because I thought eventually you'd find a way to work it out on your own.
But clearly, that's not going to happen.
So, today after school, family meeting.
I'm going to think of a solution to this.
And we all know where I do my best thinking.
Excuse me.
Ugh! Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life What are we waiting for? We're not all here yet.
Now we can begin.
As you know, our family has too many shooters and not enough targets.
What? We only have one toilet.
Now the obvious solution would be to add a bathroom.
Yes! But since the law requires me to feed you every day, we can't afford it.
So I thought about setting up a schedule.
Come on, Spencer.
Your 15 minutes are up.
Banging on the door doesn't help! I lock up under pressure! A little too much information.
So clearly that's not going to work.
Hey, I'm 8.
You want it fast or you want it in the toilet? Then I thought about other places where there's lots of people and only a few bathrooms.
Hospitals, for example.
A bedpan? Not going to happen.
I don't think so.
How's this hat supposed to help me? So once again, not the way to go.
Does he know we have school again in 14 hours? Shh.
Don't poke the bear.
Which brings us back to a new bathroom.
Which we can't afford because we need silly things like food.
But what your wonderful, saint-like father who worked his way through college as a cab driver and stayed friends with the owner of the company did not say, is that if he were willing to drive a few hours on his weekends and all of you promised to pick up the slack around here, we just might be able to swing it.
Tess and I would share the new bathroom.
You boys would have the old one all to yourselves.
Do we have a deal here? Deal! Exactly how much slack are we talking about? Ow! Wow, what? Weekends are peak time at Gabe International Airport.
And it's my responsibility to ensure that all my babes arrive and leave on time.
Or it could get ugly.
Do not learn from him.
Too late.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Look at this.
My kids with cleaning supplies.
Hold on, I need a moment.
Dad! Okay, I'll be driving the cab until 8:00, but I'll be on my cell if you need me; which you won't, because you're all going to Cooperate.
And? Work together.
So this family can enjoy a second bathroom and I can have a morning where I can pretend my children Are not animals.
This may be the proudest moment of my life.
Which is kind of sad, really.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We all want this bathroom; we're all going to work for it.
Excuse me, but Gabe International Okay, you either shut down your airport or I will kick you in your baggage carousel.
Oh, really? Really.
She'll do it, you know.
You really want to risk damaging your luggage? I'll take the kitchen.
I'll take the living room.
And I'll take a nap.
You know, some of us are still growing.
And if some of us want to keep growing Going.
Okay.
Just once could they use the hamper? Ah! Walter, you missed a spot.
Seriously? It happens to be a well-known fact that a dog's mouth is cleaner than the average human's.
Well, it is also a well-known fact that the three of you put together are not as smart as the average dog.
Oh, please tell me you didn't make him lick the dishes too? Uh I just realized when I compared you to an average dog, I insulted an average dog.
I am upstairs busting my tail, Dad is out driving a cab on his weekends and you guys actually think using Walter's spit instead of soap qualifies as a job well done? Yeah? Oh! And what about this? Relax, I got this.
Ta-da.
Normally I would scream about how I don't want Dad coming home, seeing this, and breaking our bathroom deal.
But I won't do that.
Why? Because after a lifetime with you, I have learned to have a backup plan.
A backup plan? Oh, yes.
If this room is not sparkling in half an hour, you are never seeing your custom-made dental whitening trays again.
Or your giant ball of chewed gum.
That's every piece I've chewed since I was 3! You can't duplicate something like that.
He's just a little boy.
Oh, well, if I were you, I would be more worried about my autographed Alex Trebek photo.
You are evil! I'll take "gotcha" for a thousand, Alex.
Hey, what are you sitting around for? I've got your pork chop chew toy.
This is just too Good.
I know.
I haven't seen them move that fast since the Zakowski twins had that charity summer bikini car wash.
Spencer checked out the Zakowski twins? He heard "water wonderland" and thought there'd be a slip-and-slide.
I just can't wait to have a bathroom that's not filled with stinky socks, wet towels and dirty underwear that sometimes, I swear, moves on its own.
But you're still sharing the new one with your dad, right? Yeah, but he's trainable.
My brothers are hopeless.
Watch my back.
It's not the best today.
They're like those little brats in there beating up that poor clown.
Everyb Okay, you got Oh, my nose! Okay, okay.
That clown who said he was driving a cab.
You say what now? Hey.
Time to feed the animals.
Oh, doesn't that sound like fun, kids? Why would he lie to us like that? Well, can you blame him? I mean, this has got to be the most embarrassing, humiliating, soul-killing job that any father could ever do for his children.
I'm not helping, am I? Look, Allie, I Stop right there.
I know what you're thinking.
"Dad lied to us about his cab job because he's ashamed of this one.
And it's wrong to let him flush his dignity just so I can have the new low-flush toilet.
" With padded, heated seat.
Hey, kids! Who's hungry for hot dogs? Oh, man.
Now he's dressed up like baseball food.
Steam shower with relaxation bench.
With a waterproof iPod dock.
Mm-hmm.
I'm a big hot dog Watch me dance I've got ketchup in my pants Whoa, here we go! Some ketchup! And remember, kids, the ketchup goes on the hot dogs, not on the clown.
I can't watch.
It's too horrible! I know.
I mean, who eats ketchup packets that were in a clown's pants? I missed the point again, didn't I? Oh, yeah.
This just isn't right.
Gabriel Foster was not meant to spend his weekend like this.
And I was? I washed so many dishes that under these gloves I have grandma hands.
I can feel it.
How many times do I have to tell you, I don't care about your unusually thin epidermis.
It's a condition.
I used to be a happy child.
I can't believe it.
As long as Tess is holding our stuff hostage, we have to do this every weekend.
Okay, our stuff's got to be in here.
But keep it neat.
No matter what Tess says, we are not animals.
I guess we really are animals.
Oh, I really thought our stuff would be in here.
Oh, giant ball of chewed gum, I will find you! Tess, you have to stop torturing yourself.
Remember, this whole bathroom thing was your dad's idea.
But why did he lie about the job? He's obviously miserable.
Well, if he didn't want to be miserable, he shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
That's a good point.
And kids climbing all over him, screaming, not listening and ripping food out of his hands? That's pretty much what he gets at home.
And he's getting paid for it.
Bonus.
Mom, come on.
They're strapping the clown to the Duck Hunt of Doom.
I think he's crying.
So cool! Now that we never did at home.
Do I really have to do this? The kids love it.
That doesn't make it right.
Less yacking, more quacking.
Quack, quack.
All right, kids, just like I promised, it's time for the Duck Hunt of Doom.
Yay! Quack, quack, quack, quack.
All right, Duck Hunters, ready set quack! Okay, I know what you're thinking: "How could I let my dad do all this just for a stupid bathroom?" Even if it has all the things we've discussed, plus a heated floor for those winter mornings that can be so hard on a girl's tender tootsies.
Allie! Quack, quack.
I know, I know.
Do the right thing.
Take the high road.
Quack, quack.
Okay, okay! Quack, quack.
Leave him alone! That's no clown! That duck is my dad! You need to stop it right now.
Get her! Uh-oh.
Children, children, children.
Don't make me stop this party.
Get him! Tess, hi.
Dad, why are you doing this? Uh, I get free hot dogs? So when I heard that the cab job wouldn't be available for a while, I saw the ad for this and I took it.
But why? I could've waited.
Exactly how long a while are we talking about? Because a few weeks, I can deal with.
Yeah, but you shouldn't have to.
Tessie, you've had to put up with your brothers and one bathroom for long enough.
I didn't want to disappoint you.
It would have been okay.
We disappoint you all the time.
Well, usually it's the boys, but I'm not one to point fingers.
One mint tea for the gooey clown/duck guy.
I'm just going to take a stroll, leave you two alone.
Sweet, but odd-looking father/daughter moment continues.
And go.
Listen, honey, I really don't mind doing this.
And it's only temporary.
Okay, then.
All settled.
Green light on the bathroom, red nose on the clown-duck guy.
Now go make some kids happy.
Missing the point again, she said, exiting gracefully.
I don't care if it's temporary.
I just hate to see you putting yourself through this.
I mean, it must be so embarrassing.
Can't you just quit? I'd love to.
Fantastic.
But I'm not going to quit.
Look, Tessie, people take jobs they're not crazy about all the time.
But they do it because they want to provide for the ones they love.
And when you're doing that, no job is ever embarrassing.
Are you sure? Would having an extra bathroom make living with your brothers easier? Yeah.
Then I'm sure.
Mom had such great taste in clowns.
Uh I'm sorry, I was kind of far away and it's hard to read your lips when they're all painted up like that.
So, what are we doing here? Nose on or nose off? Give me that sucker.
This children's celebration entertainment specialist has work to do! Children's celebration entertainment specialist? Well, that's what the ad said.
I'm a little hot dog Watch me dance You can't catch me, got not chance Oh, no! You've been living with boys way too long.
Sorry.
Hey, speaking of boys, where'd you hide your brothers' stuff anyway? In the last place they'd ever look.
This has not been a good day.
You think?
Where's your sister? I don't know.
It is a puzzle.
Dad! Let the games begin.
Morning, boys.
Who saw that one coming? This girl.
And that girl.
In anybody else's hands, an ordinary paper clip.
But in mine It's the magic key to the land of wee-wee.
Looks like someone's dreams of bathroom domination have just been flushed down the toilet.
Dad! You got to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool this girl.
Okay.
Dad! Okay.
I may have let this go too far.
"Dad, Dad.
" Ugh.
It's just not fair! There's three of them and they can all go in at once, and they take three times as long.
So if I don't get in there first I spend most of my time cleaning up their mess.
This doesn't just happen, you know.
And that's before I even brush my teeth! So sometimes I suffer from excessive bladder pressure! I thought she'd still be talking.
You're all done talking.
You know, I let this go because I thought eventually you'd find a way to work it out on your own.
But clearly, that's not going to happen.
So, today after school, family meeting.
I'm going to think of a solution to this.
And we all know where I do my best thinking.
Excuse me.
Ugh! Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life What are we waiting for? We're not all here yet.
Now we can begin.
As you know, our family has too many shooters and not enough targets.
What? We only have one toilet.
Now the obvious solution would be to add a bathroom.
Yes! But since the law requires me to feed you every day, we can't afford it.
So I thought about setting up a schedule.
Come on, Spencer.
Your 15 minutes are up.
Banging on the door doesn't help! I lock up under pressure! A little too much information.
So clearly that's not going to work.
Hey, I'm 8.
You want it fast or you want it in the toilet? Then I thought about other places where there's lots of people and only a few bathrooms.
Hospitals, for example.
A bedpan? Not going to happen.
I don't think so.
How's this hat supposed to help me? So once again, not the way to go.
Does he know we have school again in 14 hours? Shh.
Don't poke the bear.
Which brings us back to a new bathroom.
Which we can't afford because we need silly things like food.
But what your wonderful, saint-like father who worked his way through college as a cab driver and stayed friends with the owner of the company did not say, is that if he were willing to drive a few hours on his weekends and all of you promised to pick up the slack around here, we just might be able to swing it.
Tess and I would share the new bathroom.
You boys would have the old one all to yourselves.
Do we have a deal here? Deal! Exactly how much slack are we talking about? Ow! Wow, what? Weekends are peak time at Gabe International Airport.
And it's my responsibility to ensure that all my babes arrive and leave on time.
Or it could get ugly.
Do not learn from him.
Too late.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Look at this.
My kids with cleaning supplies.
Hold on, I need a moment.
Dad! Okay, I'll be driving the cab until 8:00, but I'll be on my cell if you need me; which you won't, because you're all going to Cooperate.
And? Work together.
So this family can enjoy a second bathroom and I can have a morning where I can pretend my children Are not animals.
This may be the proudest moment of my life.
Which is kind of sad, really.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We all want this bathroom; we're all going to work for it.
Excuse me, but Gabe International Okay, you either shut down your airport or I will kick you in your baggage carousel.
Oh, really? Really.
She'll do it, you know.
You really want to risk damaging your luggage? I'll take the kitchen.
I'll take the living room.
And I'll take a nap.
You know, some of us are still growing.
And if some of us want to keep growing Going.
Okay.
Just once could they use the hamper? Ah! Walter, you missed a spot.
Seriously? It happens to be a well-known fact that a dog's mouth is cleaner than the average human's.
Well, it is also a well-known fact that the three of you put together are not as smart as the average dog.
Oh, please tell me you didn't make him lick the dishes too? Uh I just realized when I compared you to an average dog, I insulted an average dog.
I am upstairs busting my tail, Dad is out driving a cab on his weekends and you guys actually think using Walter's spit instead of soap qualifies as a job well done? Yeah? Oh! And what about this? Relax, I got this.
Ta-da.
Normally I would scream about how I don't want Dad coming home, seeing this, and breaking our bathroom deal.
But I won't do that.
Why? Because after a lifetime with you, I have learned to have a backup plan.
A backup plan? Oh, yes.
If this room is not sparkling in half an hour, you are never seeing your custom-made dental whitening trays again.
Or your giant ball of chewed gum.
That's every piece I've chewed since I was 3! You can't duplicate something like that.
He's just a little boy.
Oh, well, if I were you, I would be more worried about my autographed Alex Trebek photo.
You are evil! I'll take "gotcha" for a thousand, Alex.
Hey, what are you sitting around for? I've got your pork chop chew toy.
This is just too Good.
I know.
I haven't seen them move that fast since the Zakowski twins had that charity summer bikini car wash.
Spencer checked out the Zakowski twins? He heard "water wonderland" and thought there'd be a slip-and-slide.
I just can't wait to have a bathroom that's not filled with stinky socks, wet towels and dirty underwear that sometimes, I swear, moves on its own.
But you're still sharing the new one with your dad, right? Yeah, but he's trainable.
My brothers are hopeless.
Watch my back.
It's not the best today.
They're like those little brats in there beating up that poor clown.
Everyb Okay, you got Oh, my nose! Okay, okay.
That clown who said he was driving a cab.
You say what now? Hey.
Time to feed the animals.
Oh, doesn't that sound like fun, kids? Why would he lie to us like that? Well, can you blame him? I mean, this has got to be the most embarrassing, humiliating, soul-killing job that any father could ever do for his children.
I'm not helping, am I? Look, Allie, I Stop right there.
I know what you're thinking.
"Dad lied to us about his cab job because he's ashamed of this one.
And it's wrong to let him flush his dignity just so I can have the new low-flush toilet.
" With padded, heated seat.
Hey, kids! Who's hungry for hot dogs? Oh, man.
Now he's dressed up like baseball food.
Steam shower with relaxation bench.
With a waterproof iPod dock.
Mm-hmm.
I'm a big hot dog Watch me dance I've got ketchup in my pants Whoa, here we go! Some ketchup! And remember, kids, the ketchup goes on the hot dogs, not on the clown.
I can't watch.
It's too horrible! I know.
I mean, who eats ketchup packets that were in a clown's pants? I missed the point again, didn't I? Oh, yeah.
This just isn't right.
Gabriel Foster was not meant to spend his weekend like this.
And I was? I washed so many dishes that under these gloves I have grandma hands.
I can feel it.
How many times do I have to tell you, I don't care about your unusually thin epidermis.
It's a condition.
I used to be a happy child.
I can't believe it.
As long as Tess is holding our stuff hostage, we have to do this every weekend.
Okay, our stuff's got to be in here.
But keep it neat.
No matter what Tess says, we are not animals.
I guess we really are animals.
Oh, I really thought our stuff would be in here.
Oh, giant ball of chewed gum, I will find you! Tess, you have to stop torturing yourself.
Remember, this whole bathroom thing was your dad's idea.
But why did he lie about the job? He's obviously miserable.
Well, if he didn't want to be miserable, he shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
That's a good point.
And kids climbing all over him, screaming, not listening and ripping food out of his hands? That's pretty much what he gets at home.
And he's getting paid for it.
Bonus.
Mom, come on.
They're strapping the clown to the Duck Hunt of Doom.
I think he's crying.
So cool! Now that we never did at home.
Do I really have to do this? The kids love it.
That doesn't make it right.
Less yacking, more quacking.
Quack, quack.
All right, kids, just like I promised, it's time for the Duck Hunt of Doom.
Yay! Quack, quack, quack, quack.
All right, Duck Hunters, ready set quack! Okay, I know what you're thinking: "How could I let my dad do all this just for a stupid bathroom?" Even if it has all the things we've discussed, plus a heated floor for those winter mornings that can be so hard on a girl's tender tootsies.
Allie! Quack, quack.
I know, I know.
Do the right thing.
Take the high road.
Quack, quack.
Okay, okay! Quack, quack.
Leave him alone! That's no clown! That duck is my dad! You need to stop it right now.
Get her! Uh-oh.
Children, children, children.
Don't make me stop this party.
Get him! Tess, hi.
Dad, why are you doing this? Uh, I get free hot dogs? So when I heard that the cab job wouldn't be available for a while, I saw the ad for this and I took it.
But why? I could've waited.
Exactly how long a while are we talking about? Because a few weeks, I can deal with.
Yeah, but you shouldn't have to.
Tessie, you've had to put up with your brothers and one bathroom for long enough.
I didn't want to disappoint you.
It would have been okay.
We disappoint you all the time.
Well, usually it's the boys, but I'm not one to point fingers.
One mint tea for the gooey clown/duck guy.
I'm just going to take a stroll, leave you two alone.
Sweet, but odd-looking father/daughter moment continues.
And go.
Listen, honey, I really don't mind doing this.
And it's only temporary.
Okay, then.
All settled.
Green light on the bathroom, red nose on the clown-duck guy.
Now go make some kids happy.
Missing the point again, she said, exiting gracefully.
I don't care if it's temporary.
I just hate to see you putting yourself through this.
I mean, it must be so embarrassing.
Can't you just quit? I'd love to.
Fantastic.
But I'm not going to quit.
Look, Tessie, people take jobs they're not crazy about all the time.
But they do it because they want to provide for the ones they love.
And when you're doing that, no job is ever embarrassing.
Are you sure? Would having an extra bathroom make living with your brothers easier? Yeah.
Then I'm sure.
Mom had such great taste in clowns.
Uh I'm sorry, I was kind of far away and it's hard to read your lips when they're all painted up like that.
So, what are we doing here? Nose on or nose off? Give me that sucker.
This children's celebration entertainment specialist has work to do! Children's celebration entertainment specialist? Well, that's what the ad said.
I'm a little hot dog Watch me dance You can't catch me, got not chance Oh, no! You've been living with boys way too long.
Sorry.
Hey, speaking of boys, where'd you hide your brothers' stuff anyway? In the last place they'd ever look.
This has not been a good day.
You think?