Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s01e11 Episode Script

All right, back it up.
Remember, it's not just garbage anymore.
Lois, about that article you wrote on the fruit fly infestation: Do you think, if it's not too much trouble, you might have another go at it? And this time, put a little zing into it, will you? Happy to, chief.
It's such an exhilarating subject matter.
If this Malathion spray is so safe why do they tell you to keep pets inside when they're using it? It's just a precautionary measure.
That's okay, Rehalia.
Come on in.
What do you think we ought to lead off with? The counterrevolution in Russia? I believe that's a counter-counter-revolution, chief.
Well, who can keep track? What in the sam hill is going on out there? You remember, chief.
Today's the day they're using our newsroom as a backdrop to introduce that new fragrance, Exclusive.
- Marketing set it up.
- Marketing? No, I don't remember.
Sure you do.
Yeah, it's been on for months.
Look, there's Elle Taylor.
- April Stevens.
I have to get an interview.
- All right.
We are never going to get any work done around here today.
Who cares? Chief, lookit.
I better not.
Alice would have my hide.
- How would she find out, chief? - She's got spies everywhere.
You guys don't think there's any small possibility that a girl like that would actually go out with a man like me? I guess not.
There's a Miss Miranda to see you, sir.
- All right.
Show her in.
- Very good, sir.
You cut me off, you rotten little son of a Temper, temper.
No reason to resort to name-calling.
You cancelled my funding, Lex.
Now how am I supposed to continue my research? Miranda, let's face facts.
Two years ago you walked into my office offering me a working, practical solution to your theory within six months.
You claimed that by adding an animal pheromone to your perfume it would cause the person wearing it to lose all their inhibitions.
But I've done it.
I can prove it to you.
True, the solid compound wasn't working.
But since I reduced it to a liquid form No, sorry.
Miranda, in the final analysis, I do not fund losers.
And what about us? Us? You were an itch.
You've been scratched.
You can't treat me like that.
This was a labor of love for you.
All for you, Lex.
Excuse me, sir.
Lois Lane on the telephone confirming your dinner on Friday night.
Yes, Nigel, I'll take that call.
Why, yes.
I'm looking forward to it, as well.
I'll send a car.
"newest fragrance, Exclusive, at the world-famous Daily Planet.
" I can prove it to you.
- The beautiful people.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a sad comment on society: Dress a certain way, smell a certain way and the world will love you.
Yeah, it's sad, Lois.
Very sad.
Anyway, like I said before, we're never going to get any work done today.
- So why don't we just take the day off? - Because it's a work day, Clark.
- Haven't you ever played hooky, Lois? - Never.
Besides, what is so great about playing hooky? Just being someplace you're not supposed to be.
Doing something you're not supposed to do, it's just fun.
I had fun in high school: Chess club, math club.
- Wow! - What are you saying, Clark? That I'm not a fun person? That I don't know how to have fun? I didn't say a word.
- Have you tried my new fragrance? - No, thank you, I don't wear What was that? Eau de sweatsocks? What died? That will probably cost $300 a quarter ounce.
Highway robbery.
What about the stories about you and Mel? No comment.
- Clark? - Just a sec, Lois, I - What are you working on? - The dock strike.
You know, the two sides really aren't that far apart.
How far apart are they? Really.
Lois, are you feeling okay? Never better.
I just couldn't help noticing how very handsome you look today.
- Handsome? - Very.
Oh, I get it.
What do you want? Research? Your VCR fixed? A ride to the airport? A blind date No.
I don't want anything, except you.
Hey, there.
The name's Olsen, James Olsen.
I guess you've heard of me.
No.
I haven't.
No problem.
Most people know me through my photographs: Bosnia, Beirut.
- Nam.
- Listen, James.
Please, call me Jimmy.
Listen, let's cut to the chase.
You like what you see.
I like what I see.
So shall we say cocktails tomorrow night? Your place? Okay.
Not a problem.
My place.
All right.
- What seems to be the problem? - This thing just ate my original.
Let's take a look.
Excuse me.
You seem pretty deft at this.
I've always been good with my hands.
Really? - Lois, please get a grip.
- Believe me, I'd love to.
I'm not sure what game you're playing, but it's making me uncomfortable.
- Let's get out of here.
- Out of here? - Yes.
- So now you want to play hooky? - Desperately.
- What about work? Forget about work, forget about time, forget about the rest of the world.
Wait.
Espera, mi amor, my darling, my little peach pie.
Chief, what happened? Is Rehalia okay? "Okay" doesn't even begin to describe her.
She's the woman of my dreams.
I want to shower her with gifts.
I want to put her on a golden pedestal.
- What about your wife? - My wife? Alice? Your wife? The woman who has spies everywhere? Oh, well, Clark, there's plenty of love to go around.
- Elvis never cheated on Priscilla.
- He never met Rehalia! Lois, just give me a minute.
My Minute's up, Clark.
Come to mama! Emile, I didn't see you on my schedule.
If you'll give me a moment Miranda.
What a pleasant surprise.
What can I do for you? Well, you wouldn't return my phone calls so I just thought I'd get your attention in my own little way.
- You've got it.
- Call your man.
Tell him to have your car brought around.
- Are we going somewhere? - The Daily Planet.
I think you'll find it very interesting.
Clark, where have you been, my darling? - Lois, come with me.
We have to talk.
- Yes, we do.
I have so much to say.
My husband told me to file a harassment suit against you.
If that's what you want, go ahead.
But nothing is gonna stop me from loving you.
Now, wait, I'm content to adore you from afar.
Look, I composed a little something for you.
I call it "Rehalia.
" I plucked a rose, I smelled its dew That fragrant scent embodies you "I smelled its dew"? Dew doesn't smell.
Lois, listen to me.
You are not in control.
I know, Clark.
For the first time in my life.
No.
There's something very strange going on around here.
Yes! Strange and wonderful! Lois, you are not yourself.
You have changed.
- Everybody around here has changed.
- But for the better.
Well, snap out of it.
I need you to help me figure out what's happened.
Please, just concentrate.
- Okay.
- Good.
It all seemed to start yesterday afternoon.
I remember.
It seems to have affected almost everybody in the newsroom.
Maybe it was something we drank, or something we ate.
I had Chinese chicken salad, and you had a steak sandwich with fries.
The models were here with the perfume The perfume.
Jimmy, what are those? Photos from yesterday's show.
Isn't she beautiful? And she's all mine.
Jimmy, be careful.
I don't want you getting hurt.
Hurt? How could I get hurt? - Good morning, Perry.
- Got to run, Lex.
Love waits for no man.
- So, what are we looking for? - I'm not sure.
Remember when There.
- Where are you going? - Just downstairs, to the newsstand.
- I'll come with you.
- I'll be right back.
- Cross your heart and hope to die? - Scout's honor.
Have a love balloon, handsome.
Things have certainly changed around here.
- Have they? I hadn't noticed.
- You haven't - Are we still on for dinner tomorrow? - Sure.
But I need you to understand something.
There is only one man in the world for me.
Clark Kent.
- Members only.
- No problem.
April.
I didn't know you were a member here.
- Are you? - Me? Are you kidding me? I hate these kind of places.
I prefer to spend my evenings by a roaring fire with a glass of wine, a beautiful woman.
Look, let's stop playing games.
Hop in, and I'll show you what you've been missing.
Hans.
Okay, big guy, I get the picture.
Keys, sir? - Jimmy, are you all right? - I think so.
What happened? Come on, I'll take you home.
Lois, it's very late.
Not too late, I hope.
For us.
For happiness.
No, Lois, please don't.
Clark, I love you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Lois, please, go home.
You're here.
This is my home.
Lois, you don't know how many times I've thought about this dreamt about this, or something like this.
But it's not real.
What you're feeling is not real.
I don't know how, but there was something in the perfume that made everybody in the newsroom drunk on love.
Lois, I cannot take advantage of you like this.
It's remarkable.
I never noticed it before.
What? You look a lot like Superman.
Lois, I can't take it anymore.
If you really want me, I'm yours.
Clark! Have you lost your mind? Oh, my Or have I lost mine? - Are you feeling better? - No.
- Are you gonna talk to me? - No.
Too humiliated.
Lois, I told you.
You weren't yourself last night.
It's just lucky that stuff wore off in time to stop you from further humiliating yourself.
Did I really do the dance of the seven veils? All seven.
Lois, please.
Let's just forget about last night.
We have to find this Miranda.
We have to find out what's in this stuff, and how and why she's using it.
Come on.
I need you.
I need my partner back.
Okay.
I'm going home, I'll get dressed.
I'll be back in an hour.
And don't even think about making me wait.
She's back.
- Looking for something in particular? - No, not really.
A gift, perhaps, for a friend whose love has gone sour? Why not try my Jungle Passion? Pure white petals picked from a flower grown only in Micronesia.
Oh, well.
I have a very wide selection.
Something for every occasion.
Do you make all your own perfumes? Yes, I was trained as a chemist.
Many perfumers are.
Of course, the goal of a fine perfumer is to create a little chemical reaction.
Haven't we met before? I believe we have.
I'm Clark Kent.
This is Lois Lane from the Daily Planet.
Yes, of course.
I was just up there the other day sampling my competition's new fragrance and trying out a new one of my own, as well.
Yours had a very interesting aroma.
Is it animal-based? You have a remarkable olfactory sense, Mr.
Kent.
Yes, that particular perfume is quite rare.
- What do you call it? - I call it Revenge.
Can you tell us the ingredients? Come now, surely you don't expect me to give away all my secrets.
Let's just cut the niceties.
Whatever witch's brew you sprayed on us made half the newsroom loony tunes in love.
People were hurt by what you did.
Humiliated.
My friend, Jimmy, almost got killed.
Surely you're not suggesting that I had anything to do with that, are you? I just sell perfume.
Perfume that makes people crazy.
You know, Miss Lane, animals are ruled by their sense of smell.
We humans like to think that we've evolved away from all of that.
But sometimes I'm not so sure.
Even so, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Excuse me.
I do have some things to do in the back.
- She's lying.
- I know, her pulse rate was over 150.
How do you know that? It's just an expression, you know, like: "She was going a mile a minute.
" "Her pulse rate was over 150.
" Must be one of those Kansas expressions.
So we know she did it.
How do we prove it? Miranda.
Congratulations.
I'm the first to admit it when I've made a mistake.
I hope you've given my offer some consideration.
Yes, I've done nothing but think about it.
You're aware there are others willing to give me a tidy sum for my formula.
Yes, but I'm offering you full partnership.
Fifty-fifty.
- Seventy-thirty.
- Sixty-forty.
- Done.
- Good.
A toast to you.
To your brilliant success.
To our new partnership.
To us.
I'm concerned about the temporary nature of the perfume, 48 hours isn't much time.
But I've only been using a 1% solution.
In its purest form Revenge will cause a total and permanent breakdown - of all inhibitions.
- Excellent.
You know, Lex I was hoping that this might be more than just a business relationship.
More the way it was once between us.
I think not, Miranda.
I never mix business with other people's pleasure.
But I mean now.
I mean Don't you feel anything toward me? No, I don't.
Now, if you'll excuse me - I have a dinner date.
- With Lois Lane? Yes.
Nigel will show you out.
We'll talk tomorrow.
Get me Lex Corp.
, Tokyo.
Just think, Miranda, soon the whole world will bow to our discovery.
Yes, Lex.
Soon.
Soon all of Metropolis will know the feeling of love spurned.
- Pheromones.
I never heard of them.
- Sure you have.
Pheromones: A chemical substance secreted by animals which produces a specific response to others of the same species.
- What'd you do, memorize the dictionary? - I'm a speed-reader.
Luckily, it wears off in 48 hours.
Depending on a person's metabolic rate.
I don't get it.
Dr.
Freedman said it should only work if you're already attracted to the person.
- It just overrides your normal restraint.
- Right.
There must be animal magnetism to begin with.
This substance only inhibits that part of the brain which acts as intellectual defense mechanism leaving the person helpless to control themselves.
But that would mean that I found you Clark, you were sprayed.
How come you didn't fall for me? Guess I'm just not attracted to you.
Liar! You are so attracted to me.
- I guess not.
- Guess so.
- Can we get back to the story, please? - Fine by me.
- What was in the fax Jimmy sent you? - A bio on Miranda.
She was first in her class at M.
I.
T.
Guess where her research is funded? Luthor Industries.
Lex funds half the scientists in Metropolis.
Probably doesn't even know who she is.
But I'll ask him tonight.
- Tonight? - Yeah.
I'm having dinner with him.
He finds me very attractive.
Perfect.
Well, my work is done.
I've got other service calls to make.
Not so fast.
Chief? What happened? Does it hurt? Only when I laugh.
There's very little danger of that happening in the near future.
Take a look at this.
Sexual harassment? Rehalia? But that's not the worst part.
Alice kicked me out.
Called me a no-good hound dog.
Now I'm down to Heartbreak Hotel.
Chief, you have a defense.
A complete defense.
We found that a research chemist sprayed a pheromone compound on us.
- A phera-what? - Pheromone.
- It made all of us - Some of us.
fall wildly in love, completely beyond our control.
That'd take care of the lawsuit, but what about Alice? Fight for her, chief.
Shower her with gifts.
Write her poems.
Put her on a golden pedestal.
No.
She'd never buy it.
It's a lovely dinner, Lex.
I'm never much for crowded restaurants.
I prefer to eat alone.
Present company excepted.
What is it? Are you feeling okay? Yes, of course.
I'm never sick.
No, your eyes.
I've never noticed your eyes before.
How rich, how deep.
Like pools of light.
A man could drown in those pools.
Thank you.
Boy, things have been utterly crazy at the Planet.
- You just can't believe what's - Your hands.
- What's wrong with my hand? - No, it's just so graceful.
So delicate.
Like fine porcelain.
"Emprison her soft hands, and let her rave "And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes" You are acting very strangely tonight, Lex.
How many glasses of wine did you have before I came over? I never drink alone.
I'm never drunk.
I'm always in control.
You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
All of Metropolis.
You don't need any of that.
Come on.
That'll do nicely.
Love is in the air.
So, how was your date? Very interesting.
- What does that mean? - Well, Lex wasn't quite himself.
That must've been a welcome change.
- Did you find out anything about Miranda? - No.
- This just delivered.
- Thanks.
How are you doing? Well, I'm back to normal.
Just plain old Jimmy.
- Anything? - No.
Nothing at all.
Chief, I assume everything is Yeah, she dropped the lawsuit.
And Alice? She let me back in, on a trial basis.
Lois, thanks for that rewrite on the fruit fly piece.
- I got to go, chief.
- Not on my time, you don't.
- I got to talk to her.
- Jimmy! Blast that kid! How much of that stuff did you get sprayed with? You seemed pretty insatiable for even well, you.
What are you talking about? What spray? I didn't get sprayed.
Excuse me, April? I wanted to explain.
There's no explanation necessary.
I meet creeps like you every day.
That's my point.
I'm not a creep.
I'm Jimmy Olsen, would-be famous photojournalist.
All-around good guy.
All-around nobody.
I just wanted to apologize for coming on to you the way I did.
I wasn't myself.
- Well, it's too bad.
- What is? For a nobody, you're kind of cute.
I'll see you later.
I have a few errands to run.
Good morning.
We thought it best not to wake you when you dozed off.
- I slept here all night? - Yes, sir.
- Were we wrong to - No.
Miss Lane - what time did she - She left early, if you recall, sir.
I drove her home.
Yes.
I'm beginning to recall.
Soon all of Metropolis will feel the pain of love spurned.
Send for my valet.
I need to dress and leave immediately.
For the boardroom? No, the Daily Planet.
I have to find him.
- Who? - Superman.
Lois.
I'm so glad you could make it.
I have everything all ready for you.
- Ready? - Yes.
It was very difficult, replacing all the Malathion with my formula.
I don't understand.
Of course you don't, dear.
But soon you will.
And then you'll die.
Painfully.
God, love hurts.
Why me? Just jealous, I guess.
If I can't have Lex, nobody can.
Where's Lois? She went to run an errand.
Why? What's going on? I just want to apologize for my behavior last night.
What behavior was that? It's not important now.
What's important is Miranda.
You do know her.
Yes.
She was working under my auspices.
Last night, she sprayed me with her pheromone compound to make me fall in love with her, but it backfired - and Lois came in.
- What exactly went on last night? Well, it's not important.
The important thing is to try and get to Superman.
Superman? Yes.
He's the only one who can stop her.
The entire city's in danger.
What do you mean? Yesterday Miranda made a threat.
I think she's planning on releasing her Revenge all over Metropolis.
Can you imagine? An entire city in love? At least it will wear off after 48 hours.
No, not if she uses the 100% solution.
It's permanent.
Permanent? Emotions running wild.
Love turns to despair, depression, hatred.
Sodom and Gomorrah.
A city without restraint.
Without morality.
I'll fax the police, give them Miranda's description - then try to find Superman somehow.
- Good.
It's almost 4:00, Mr.
Luthor.
Better get those pets inside.
What? The fruit fly spraying begins at 4:00.
It's gonna be all over the city.
Wait! You can't do this! Help! Miranda, no! - Are you all right? - Now I am.
But the plane She's going to spray the city.
Superman, where are you going? Why don't you follow me? Anywhere, honey.
Are you all right? Superman! It's a good thing that stuff doesn't have any effect on you.
Or does it? Lois Lane, I love you.
Oh, Superman.
You don't know how long I have waited to hear you say those words.
But you're not yourself.
So I couldn't take advantage of the situation.
Oh, what the heck.
Oh, no.
Lois, don't.
I may throw up.
Don't let them take me.
Superman, I love you.
- No, Lex, I love you.
Will you wait for me? - No.
Excuse me.
Hello, I was just wondering.
Will Miranda be permanently No, I diluted it.
She'll be okay soon.
If you'll excuse me, I've got to fly.
I say, is everything all right? No, Nigel, something terrible has happened.
Something catastrophic.
The collapse of the world financial market? Nigel, something worse.
Something far worse.
Not like you, or any other normal person, perhaps but in my own strange, perverted way I've succumbed.
I've fallen in love.
Hopelessly.
Eternally.
I'm in love with Lois Lane.
It's the perfume.
Your mind's clouded.
No, Nigel.
I'm really in love with her.
I'm doomed.
It's incredible.
Love without boundaries, without insecurities or hang-ups or reasoning.
I mean, you could be swept off your feet by just about anybody.
Your problem, Lois, is that you can't admit your true feelings.
That's ridiculous.
All right.
Maybe somewhere very incredibly deep inside me is some insy-winsy, microcosmic although highly unlikely possibility, that I feel some sort of unmotivated, completely unrealistic attraction to you.
Just as long as you're being honest with yourself, Lois.
I even figured out why I was so blind to think that you looked like Superman.
Really? And why was that? Simple.
Every woman in love thinks their man looks like Superman.
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