Mad About You s01e11 Episode Script

This is the 8:05 Holiday Express to Connecticut making station stops at New Rochelle Stamford and New Haven.
This was a great idea.
Go to your folks' the night before, beat the crowds.
It was.
Just everybody else thought of it too.
Excuse me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Yeah, right.
- Wow.
You are a ruthless woman.
You're entirely without ruth.
-What are you doing? -We came in the station this way, right? And Macy's was over there, which means that Connecticut is this way.
- Switch seats with me.
- Honey, what are-- I can't ride backwards.
This makes no sense at all.
- All the seats facing this way.
- So? So they're not gonna have an entire carload of people backing their way into New England.
Thankyou.
Didn't see you.
Sorry.
Like I don't have enough problems with my pelvis.
Actually, these seats are taken.
We're waiting for someone.
Aren't we all.
- Honey, it's really-- - Excuse me.
- What was that? - Nothing.
I just told her we needed some private time since we were going up for your mother's funeral.
It always works.
- Why is it my mother? - I don't know.
I wanted the leg room.
I had to kill somebody.
She came to mind.
Allaboard! - When's dinner? - What? Tomorrow.
What time's your family usually eat? I don't know.
3:00, 4:00.
See, 'cause we would always eat at about 1 :00.
- There's hors d'oeuvres.
- And there's definitely turkey, right? No, we usually have bologna sandwiches.
- You never know with some people.
- Ofcourse there's turkey.
Stuffing? What kind ofstuffing? Oyster.
- What? - Shellfish within foul-- It's delicious.
It's my cousin Susie's specialty.
Which one is Susie? She's the one with all the dead husbands? No, that's Beth.
And there were only three.
- Which one is Arlene? - You meanJeanette.
- Which one isJeanette? - The one you always call Arlene.
See, this is why we should've gone to my folks'.
That way I'd know what I'm eating, I'd know who I'm eating with.
- Oh, God.
- Now what? Oh, is this funny.
Look at this.
I didn't think you guys were going till tomorrow.
- We wanted to beat the crowd.
- Us too.
We're going to New Rochelle.
- Is this a small world or what? - Yes, it is, Mark.
And it's getting smaller every minute.
Paul, sit next to Jamie.
Ryan gets sick if he has to ride backwards.
- Oh, that's just silly.
- Trust me.
Honey, come on.
- Come here.
- Wow! That's some hat there, Ryan.
He's gonna recite Hiawatha for his grandma tomorrow.
Ryan, you wanna show everyone your poem? - Do I have to? - No.
Oh, thanks for saving me a seat.
- Where were you? - Food car.
I love Thanksgiving.
What a pleasure.
I see Mom and Dad.
They awaken my eating disorder just in time for the holidays.
Where's that poundcake? - What are you doing here? - I'm her boyfriend.
- Since when? - About an hour or so.
We're very happy.
Yep.
I'm tired ofeverybody torturing me about being single.
Do you know what escort services charge for the holidays? "By the shore ofGitche Gumee by the shining Big-Sea-Water stood the wigwam of Nokomis daughter ofthe moon Nokomis.
" - So how did it happen? - What? Us.
My family's met you.
They know you're Paul's friend.
Suddenly we're in love.
How did it happen? I make you laugh.
Isn't that what women always say? Keep thinking.
New Rochelle.
- That's us.
- This stop will be New Rochelle.
- What about the wishbone? - Is this gonna go on all night? Yeah, it is.
I lived it.
The first holidays, married, away from your family.
It creates a sort ofdisorientation.
- I'm not disoriented.
- He's always like this.
You'rejust a little tense.
It's natural.
I remember the first time I took Fran to my family for Thanksgiving.
- She went completely manic.
- I wanted them to like me.
And they would have.
Except, you know Fran.
She kept pushing and pushing till finally, my sister she grabs me by the arm, pulls me into the kitchen.
- She looks me in the eye and says-- - What? - Nothing.
- No, Mark, I'm curious.
What did she say? Nothing.
It was years ago.
She loves you now, okay? Okay.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
We're gonna take off.
We'll see you all in a couple ofdays, all right? Come on.
Please, we're almost there.
Don't start.
Please, let's go.
Okay? Please? Fine.
All right.
You do what you want.
I swear to God, I'm going.
All right? Here I go.
I'm going.
All right, fine.
We'll get offat Stamford.
I'll call Marvin.
He'll pick us up.
I'm not setting foot in that woman's house.
She has had it in for me from day one.
Did I tell you about the fruit compote at the Seder? She slipped.
It was an accident.
It is a miracle I am still alive.
- Your whole family-- - All right.
That's it.
Fran, come on.
Ryan, stay here.
Mommy and I are going to the-- to the fighting car.
- Watch it there.
- It's fun! Yeah, well, just remember, you start out laughing, you end up crying.
- What does that mean? - It means you start out laughing you're horsing around and boom, tragedy ensues.
My parents used to say it to me all the time.
God, that explains so much.
- Do something.
- What? I'm bored.
Do something.
- How's that? - Stupid.
Your turn.
- You wanna hear a story? - No.
Good.
This is the story ofthe first Thanksgiving.
I have to make.
Your turn.
You can't hold it in for one hour? Be a man! Stamford.
Next stop will be Stamford.
How.
Your wife said to tell you she's in the food car with her sister.
Hey, how did Lisa talkyou into this? She's a friend.
She needed a favor.
- So, you know, I just figured-- - What? - How much? How much? - Fifty bucks.
Hey, no cutting! No problem, champ.
Great kid.
- When are you gonna get yourselfone? - Thankyou.
Like I'm not gonna hear enough ofthat tomorrow? You should.
I've been thinking about it.
- You? - Yeah.
Maybe it's time I get past my fear of intimacy.
I'm seriously considering donating my sperm to an anonymous Lesbian couple.
That'll be nice.
Turning your hobby into something useful.
Exactly.
Till the right thing comes along.
If it does.
Oh, hey, it will.
Yeah, maybe.
But how do you know? Like with you andJamie.
What made you say, ''This is it''? A veal chop.
Seriously.
One ofour first dates, we go out to dinner, we're talking.
The waiter comes over, and without batting an eye she goes, ''I'll have the veal chop.
'' - Wow.
- Exactly.
Not a salad like all the others.
Not a little girlie wedge of melon.
Meat.
She gets a huge chunk of meat.
The way she went after that chop, I thought ''That's a person who knows who she is.
That's a woman I could love.
'' - A veal chop? - It was our third date.
I already knew it wasn't going anywhere.
So we went out to dinner, and I decided, what the hell I'm just gonna order the most expensive thing on the menu.
I'm never gonna see this guy again anyway.
So, we ate, and he walked me home and just as I was about to tell him that this was it-- You fell in love.
- I got sick.
- From the veal? Apparently.
I mean, really sick.
I mean, I threw up on his shoes.
- Most guys hate that.
- I know.
He came in with me.
He stayed there all night.
He held my hand.
He brought me tea.
He was so sweet.
Actually, it was kind ofdisgusting.
But then the sun came up, and I fell asleep.
- And I fell asleep.
- We woke up, and it was night again.
- And there we were.
- And here we are.
- That's it? - That's it.
I'll just tell them he makes me laugh.
Take care.
What happened to you? We're almost in New Haven.
- There was a line.
Who was that? - Hap Evans.
Do you believe it? -No kidding.
Who is that? -I told you about him.
From high school.
He was the lead in The Music Man when I was in the orchestra.
- What were you doing in the orchestra? - Playing the cello.
- You don't play the cello.
- I used to.
-How come I don't know this? -It's weird, running into him like that.
The last time I saw him was the big Thanksgiving dance in 1 979.
I caught him flirting with Marcia Dixon.
I just threw his engagement ring right in his face.
- You were engaged before? -J ust for a couple of months.
- To someone named Hap? - Didn't I tell you this? I must've.
When we broke up, I was devastated.
I thought I'd never get over it.
- After the three weeks in the convent-- - I'm sorry.
The convent? It wasn't an actual convent.
It was like a preparatory thing for novices.
- You were gonna be a nun? - Yeah.
I was very confused.
I'll say.
You're not even Catholic.
Gee.
See? This is why I don't like to leave the apartment.
Fran was right.
Between this and the oyster stuffing, I'm very disoriented.
- Where are Fran and Mark? - They must be somewhere.
They wouldn'tjust run off and leave Ryan like that.
New Haven.
New Haven will be the next and final stop.
- Forget it.
It's been done.
- We'll change it a little.
- We'll tell them it was a pork chop.
- Fine.
We'll just take the next train back to New York.
We'll spend Thanksgiving at home, eating your kugel and seething.
I am spending it with my loved ones, which you are not one ofat this moment.
Like you're gonna find a flight to Boca Raton at this hour.
My mother is not my only loved one.
Is she,James? No, no, no, no.
Oh, you meant-- - I would love to.
- Thankyou.
That's very generous.
- I did not hear them invite you.
- It was implied, wasn't it? Yeah.
Sure.
How touching.
Can wejust get going? I'm starving.
I want to get to that mince pie before Daddy does.
Did she say ''mince pie''? You guys don't have pumpkin? - Come on.
- New Haven.
This is New Haven.
Last stop.
Have a happy holiday.
- Yeah, easy foryou to say.
- It's myjob.
This is the 91 9 Constitution to New York making station stops at Stamford, New Rochelle - Are you gonna move that thing? - and Penn Station.
Fine.
- Look-- - Shut up! It was all my fault, sweetheart.
No, pookie.
It was me.
You really thinkyou can start playing this again? That's good.
It's good to have a hobby.
And music is something else.
Music is-- you know.
'Cause music really fills the silences.
Okay, so my mother sent a few things.
It was an act, a gesture.
People do that-- She Federal Expressed a turkey! I think it went very well.
I mean, your folks are great.
They were so happy for us.
Yeah, all in all, I'd say it went very well indeed.
I ndeed it did.
Until you called everyone into the living room to announce our engagement.
All aboard! She sent a few things.
It was an act of love.
- It was an insult.
- You wanna talk about insults? - I was insulted plenty today.
- When? ''When?'' Like maybe when your old pal Hap stopped by.
How do you think that felt having to watch the two ofyou perform the entire score of The Music Man? And I'll tell you something, babe.
''76 Trombones'' was not written for the cello.
- Says who? - The title.
And the fuss your parents made over him.
Your father has never once invited me to play golfwith him.
Hap plays golf.
You don't.
That's not the point.
J ust once I'd like to feel welcome.
We played your stupid wishbone game, didn't we? Well, excuse me for trying to bring a little bit of myselfto the party.
You didn't bring yourself.
You weren't even there.
Well, wherever I was, I'm sure I was having a better time.
- Too far? - Oh, yeah.
Who cares what you tell them? Tell them it didn't work out.
You do realize my cousin Beth's already planning the shower? Selby, switch seats with me.
- Gladly.
- Fine.
- How did she pack this? -J ust get that out of my face.
All I wanted was to have a peaceful, happy Thanksgiving.
- Is that too much to ask? - Yes.
When are you gonna learn? Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed ofthe day I'd bring my husband up to Mom and Dad's for Thanksgiving.
- That was your dream? - Yes.
One ofthem.
And I'm the one on Prozac.
I liked being engaged to Lisa.
Yeah.
She seemed real happy about it too.
It felt so good to have someone.
You know, being in the middle ofall that warm family stuff.
Yeah.
Guess I just didn't want it to end.
I don't know what I'm gonna tell her dad on Sunday.
Why? What's Sunday? He invited me to play golf.
- What's up? - I don't wanna interrupt.
Even ifyou are the last friends I have on this train.
I'm gonna wander.
Wanna sit? - Are you sure? - Sure.
Nice way to kick off the holidays, huh? - It'll get better.
You'll see.
- When? This should be a magical time.
Miracles, world peace.
I'd settle for finding a cab at Penn Station.
What am I doing with this thing? Hey, you were fabulous today.
Thanks.
What did you think of Hap? He's no Robert Preston.
He is no Paul either.
I know.
I just wish this whole day could start over again.
I just wish this whole day could start over again.
Yeah.
I love the holidays.
I thinkyou missed an essential point right there.
Anyway, I love the train.
Riding the rails through the night.
Makes me feel likeJack Kerouac.
You know he died ofa stomach hemorrhage while opening a can oftuna fish? Well, itjust goes to show you.
You gotta live in the moment and keep moving on.
Anything else is just riding backwards.
I'm just-- I know.
Me too.
See, I don't get that you really mean it.
You're forgiven.
- What do you mean, I'm forgiven? - You are.
- For what? - For all of it.
All ofwhat? What did I do? - I don't understand.
- Ifyou don't know what you did - how can we possibly-- -J ust really forget it.
J ust forget it.
Fine.
Do something.
- What? - I'm bored.
Do something.
- Want me to tell you a story? - No.
Good.
This is the story ofthe first Thanksgiving.
This is once upon a time, many, many, many, manyyears ago.
- How many? - Many.
There was a group of people called the Pilgrims, see? And they set sail from their home looking for a new land.
- Why? - I don't know why.
'Cause they wanted a change.
Do you want to hear the story or not? - No.
- Good.
So they get to their new home and they're walking around and they go, ''This is great.
'' All ofa sudden, out ofthe woods comes this other group of people, the I ndians.
So right away, there's trouble.
- So the head Pilgrim-- - What was his name? Ed.
I'm thinking Ed.
So Ed goes over to the head I ndian and says, ''What are we gonna do? We got some trouble here.
'' I ndian says, ''I don't know.
Maybe we should eat for six hours in a row.
'' - What'd they eat? - They ate everything.
I mean, they had turkey, kugel oyster stuffing and Hiawatha's mother FedExed a lovelyJello-O mold.
What an ''asehole.
'' It was a gesture.
But the point is that they had come together and they knew that they were in this thing together for the whole nine yards no matter what.
And for that they gave thanks.
- The end.
- Do something else.
Honey, youreallyneed a trombone on this.
Trustme.