Mad Love s01e11 Episode Script

There comes a time in every relationship when you realize the person you're with isn't perfect.
Personally, I like to bail long before that happens.
But that's just me.
If someone were to get a very successful lawyer such as yourself a cake to celebrate his 30th consecutive victory, what kind of cake would you want that to be? Chocolate? Red velvet? I don't need a cake, Kate, all right? First of all, 30-0 is not that big a deal.
Second, I haven't won the case yet.
And third, Red velvet.
Let's not get cocky here, Ben, all right? Need I remind you of a certain Zenyatta? - Zenyatta? - Zenyatta was a horse.
A dark chocolate mare with the same "I can't be beaten" attitude as our own chocolate mare here.
Until one day she was beaten and she promptly retired.
You know what they do to a horse when she retires? They grind up her bones and turn her into Jell-o.
The basis for my favorite dessert, shot, and type of wrestling.
Ooh, here comes Connie.
She just had her book pitch, so this could be her first sale.
Or her sixth rejection, so everybody just be cool.
And by everybody, I mean Larry.
- Do I look different? - Sadly, no.
You look like a published author.
Oh, nice one, Kate.
Burn! They loved her idea.
It's a fairy tale set in New York.
Okay, when do we get to celebrate? It's not a done deal, I still have to pitch it to the editor.
What's it about? I love fairy tales.
I mean, what's it about? It's a story about a lonely little girl who goes to central park every day to kiss frogs, and hopes that one of them might turn into a prince.
Seems like a disease risk.
Anyway, on her way to making out with frogs every day, she passes this little boy who's planting magic beans.
She makes fun of him.
But when spring finally comes, she realizes that he wasn't planting magic beans at all.
He was planting a beautiful garden for her.
And the little boy and the little girl fall in love.
Dude, that's depressing.
Girl never finds her prince and she ends up settling for a dude who works for the city? It's a modern fairy tale.
It's a fairy tale that could really happen.
Who wants to hear a fairy tale that could really happen? That's what makes fairy tales fun.
They can't happen.
God, I'm glad you didn't write Cinderella or she'd still be dead.
Cinderella doesn't die.
Yeah, I don't really know that one.
Fairy tales can happen.
Look at me and my Bernie.
I was like Cinderella until my prince came and rescued me from a Hooters in Sarasota.
Anyway, when I was pitching to the assistant editor, I showed her real pictures from Central Park.
And she really loved them.
The only problem was that we had to get really close in order to see the tiny screen on my camera.
And my cheek brushed up against her mole, which was much harder and cooler to the touch than I anticipated.
You know, you can transfer the photos to your computer.
Connie's kind of a technophobe.
I can actually help you out with that.
I'm a bit of a computer whiz.
I don't wanna brag, but my hard drive is huge.
Ben's seen it.
Tell her.
- Gross.
- Gross.
It's, like, four terabytes.
Seriously, you know, I can print those photos off and have that camera back to you tonight.
And as an added bonus, I'll take some tasteful nudes of myself.
- Larry.
- Fine, they won't be tasteful.
Do you promise that you'll just print out the pictures, and you won't do anything gross to or near my camera? Relax, Connie.
Nothing is gonna happen to your precious camera.
- You lost it? - No, I didn't lose it! - Then where is it? - It's at my apartment.
Then let's go get it.
I lost it.
# Our love is volatile, chemical # # Anything but typical # # I want you badly # # I love you madly # Aw, you have to leave already? Is there any chance that you could just wear this robe all the time? I like that idea.
Lying on the couch all day.
Watching soap operas, eating nachos.
Hmm.
Don't have to wear make-up or deodorant.
That got less sexy real quick.
So you ready for your big day, Mr.
30-0? Oh, yes.
I know this case inside and out.
I got plenty of sleep.
I've got my lucky underwear.
You think I need a coat? Uh, probably not.
It's gonna be 68 degrees with a light wind from the east and a low barometric pressure.
Someone's been using that shower radio I bought her.
I love that thing.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to wash with.
Yeah.
Huh? Oh, well, you know.
You gotta lift it up to wash your chest, and then the rope things always get twirled up.
Uh, wait.
Um, you're not Ow! You know you're not supposed to actually wear it.
Right? Oh, yeah, okay, Ben.
Then what's the rope for? To hang on the shower head.
Yeah, but if you don't have Oh, my God.
- Ben! - Wait, no, no! Stop, stop.
I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you.
I'm laughing with No, I'm laughing at you.
I can't believe I have to pitch my story at 5:00 and Larry lost my camera.
I can't believe you trusted Larry with your camera.
That's helpful! He's gonna find it.
How many places could it possibly be? Oh, jeez, um, a buffet restaurant, a strip club, buffet line at a strip club.
Oh, yeah.
Laugh if you will.
But the fried zucchini sticks at Flash Pants are the real deal.
Oh, they are.
Mmm.
It's on my way home.
I have to apologize.
I've called everywhere.
The camera's gone.
I feel like it's partly my fault.
You know what we're gonna do? We are going to go to every single place that you went to yesterday and ask them in person, because I don't trust you on the phone.
I heard the way you talked to that census-taker.
She asked me, like, seven very personal questions.
You know what? But, fine, if you would like to experience first-hand a day in the life of the great Larry Munsch, I will allow it.
I just want my camera.
Very well, but if we are going to do this, you will require one rain-slicker, one universal remote, your organ-donor card.
You are aware of your blood-type, yes? Hey, Ruth.
So, gum, gum, gum, gum.
Am I in a spearmint or more of a wintergreen mood? Surprise me.
Spearmint's good.
- I like that necklace.
- Thank you.
It's no shower radio of course, but I'm sorry What was that? Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's a buck-ten.
Did Ben tell you about my shower radio thing? Of course not.
It was Darrell, the elevator boy.
Kate.
What's up? Something good? I'm getting to know your body language pretty well.
I feel like it's something good.
Why would you tell the whole building about my shower radio thing? Oh.
That's what this is about? No, okay, all right.
First of all, I did not tell the whole building, okay? Maybe one guy.
Maybe two.
I told a lot of people.
Why would you embarrass me like that? What? Oh, no.
I didn't mean to.
I just I thought it was, uh, you know, a funny little quirk of yours.
I mean, we all have quirks, right I'm sure I have quirks that you think are funny.
- That's not the point, Ben, I - No, you know what? No, no, no, please, go ahead.
Come on, come on, tell me.
I can take it, you'll feel better.
No, I don't wanna Okay, fine, here's one.
You use awkward pauses when you talk.
I do do that.
Okay, great.
Go tell everybody.
Then we'll be even.
And you insist on using the word "pro-cess" instead of "process.
" My grandmom was British.
And you own not one, but two, Steely Dan albums.
All right, I'm not sure why you had to drag Steely Dan into this, but I'm glad we had a chance to Oh, oh, oh, and what if I told everybody that your lucky underwear was really Okay, Kate, that's enough.
Oh, so you really wouldn't like it if I told people that.
No, I'd I'd be fine with that.
Great, okay.
Then I'm just gonna go tell a bunch of people.
Please, tell a bunch.
Yeah, perfect, do that.
I'll just be in here, uh, you know, psyching myself up for the trial while listening to some Steely Dan.
Oh, well, in that case, I will close the door.
Good, 'cause it's about to get real jazzy in here.
Unbelievable.
My pitch is in three hours.
And so far we've been to a toy store, the Bronx Zoo, another toy store, and now an arcade? What's next, a candy store? No, I distinctly remember having your camera when I left the candy store.
Ooh.
Excuse me.
Ahem, excuse me.
Do you know if anyone left a camera here yesterday? - No.
- No, no one left a camera here, or no, you don't know if anyone left a camera here? I don't know.
You don't know if it's no, no one left a camera here, or you don't know if you don't know if anyone left a camera here? It's a camera.
It's black.
It has a lens and a button you push to take a picture with.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we have that.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, good.
You're relaxing.
Or at least, you know, your version of relaxing.
I'm sorry, this is just a big day for me.
How do I explain this to you in terms you'd understand? Ah.
What if you were gonna lose your chance to go to a porn expo? National or international? I get it, it's a big day for you.
Big deal for you and your dumb book.
But everything is fine, all right? Which allows me the opportunity to introduce you to Section B, Article 7, of the Larry Munsch philosophy.
Let me guess, no fat chicks? God, no, I accept all willing participants.
I am speaking of never leaving an arcade without playing a game of skee-ball.
I'm not playing skee-ball.
Then this journey has been for naught.
Fine.
Give me some balls.
Yeah oh, buy a guy a drink first, would ya? Here we go.
Ahem, hold out your hand.
Cup the ball, feel the ball's mass, its weight.
Gently caress You know what? I don't want this one anymore.
The fact is, Your Honor, if you review the documents of the 23rd, none of the clauses in question had yet been inserted into the contract.
Mr.
Parr? Mr.
Parr! Mr.
Parr, is everything okay? Uh, yeah yes.
Yes, I was just, uh, getting my briefs in order.
My documents.
My documents in order, ahem.
- Oh! - Yes! - That just happened.
- How do you keep doing that? Well, Larry, you have to hold the ball, feel the weight of it in your hand, it's mass.
I know how to do it, Connie.
Oh, thank God.
Seriously, you are a life-saver.
You've made my - This isn't my camera.
- Are you sure? Unless you took a picture of a Great Dane, and a bong, and Oh, my God.
That's definitely not my camera.
Oh, Japanese businessmen throw the craziest parties.
- Larry.
- No, no, hang on, hang on.
Each one is more awesome than the last.
I am glad this is such a joke for you.
All I asked you to do was print out my pictures.
Instead you lose my camera, and I get to spend the entire day following you around listening to the patented Larry Munsch this, and Larry Munsch that.
You know what I realized, all you care about is Larry Munsch.
And you suck at skee-ball.
Hey, I told you that I have a blister! Thank you so much for bringing my folder, Tiffany.
I couldn't do my pitch without it.
But don't feel like you have to stay.
I don't mind.
Well, I'm trying to put this presentation together, so I really don't have time to talk.
Wow, do I have a story for you.
Oh, good.
Ben told everyone in the building that I wear the shower radio around my neck.
Wait, you wear the radio? I think it's supposed to go around the shower I know where it's supposed to go, Tiffany.
Will you stop? I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to tell everybody about this.
Kate, sometimes you take yourself so seriously, like that time we went to the comedy club and you maced the comedian.
He said I had freakishly long arms.
You do have freakishly long arms.
Oh, you're so lucky I don't have my mace on me.
I shave Bernie's back every Thursday.
- Okay.
- Oh.
No, see, one time Bernie caught me telling my friend.
And I felt terrible, but he didn't get mad because he knows his fuzzy back is one of the things I love about him.
Also we have a very satisfying sex life.
Oh, my God, Ben totally wasn't trying to embarrass me.
He just told everybody because he loves me, and I'm adorable.
Oh, no.
What? What did you do? I might have threatened to tell everybody this really embarrassing secret I know about him.
That is so mean and spiteful.
What was the secret? I could tell that it was making him really, really nervous.
But of course I would never actually tell anyone.
But he doesn't know that, and now he's in court.
And I have to go talk to him.
But, wait, like, what's the secret? I have my car.
I could give you a ride.
- Oh, thank you, Tiff.
- You can tell me Ben's secret on the way.
Whoa.
Oh, hey.
Hello, ladies.
Especially Tiffany.
- Not now, Larry.
- Hello, hi.
Hello.
What do you want? Or did you think of another way to ruin my career? No, Connie.
I feel bad, okay? In fact, I feel so bad I'm not even gonna say, "what career?" I'm just gonna shut my big old mouth and give you this camera.
- Did you steal it? - I bought it, all right? I know it doesn't rescue your book pitch, but it's the least I could do.
And as far as those fairy tale pictures go, I think I did a pretty good job of replicating them.
These are pictures of Best Buy.
It's a magical place.
Well, thank you.
That was really nice of you.
You're welcome.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Really? No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, that's great, okay.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Found your camera! Oh, Larry.
Oh, let's go get it.
No, no, no, no.
You stay here.
I'll go get it and bring it back.
No, no, no, no.
I wanna go with you.
Oh, my gosh.
If you were anyone else, I could kiss you.
If you were anyone else I'd let you.
Hey, Kate.
- Can I talk in here? - Yes, we're on a recess.
We can talk.
I just wanted to come apologize.
No, I'm the one that should apologize.
I had no business telling anybody about the shower radio, even though it did bring lots of joy into many, many, people's lives.
It's not even that.
I think I just was upset that you finally found out that I'm less than perfect.
I've known that for a while.
I mean, look at your freakishly long arms.
I have got to start carrying mace again.
Anyway, for what it's worth, I did not tell anyone that you wear pink tighty-whiteys under your suit.
There are no pink tighty-whiteys.
That's She's drunk.
Look, Kate, if I could make it up to you, I would shout from the roof of this courthouse every weird thing about me, but not the pink tighty-whiteys thing, because there are no pink tighty-whiteys.
Okay, this is it.
I'll be right back, all right? You'll be right back? What do you mean? - I'm going with you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You stay in the car and relax.
You know, I don't want you getting all riled up before your pitch, 'cause, I just I really care about you.
What the hell's the matter with you? I just don't want you to come up with me.
Oh.
I'm glad you said that, because now I'm totally coming up with you! Connie, come on.
Could you just Could you just not? I've seen a lot of stuff today.
I don't know what could be in there that is more embarrassing than you going totally nuts at the sno-cone machine.
You don't understand.
They never have root beer! What are you hiding in here? Is this where you buy your marijuana? No, just No! Would you be quiet and just try not to be weird when you see what you're gonna see? Yo, Jakey, my man.
What's up? Come on, bring it in.
Bam, ugh! Come on! Aarrghh! All right, stop.
- Where's your mom? - Getting ready for work.
- Oh, yeah.
- You have a kid? - Who's she? - Connie.
I'm a friend of your dad's.
- My dad is dead.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Nice, nailed it.
I taught him that.
Bam! So your dad's alive.
Yeah, but he's in prison.
Oh, no.
Didn't even teach him that one.
Nailed it again.
Two for two, buddy.
Good job.
Go get your mom, would you? All right.
So where's his dad? He is a deadbeat and lives in Jersey.
Doesn't visit.
So all those kid's places you dragged me to today, you don't really go there by yourself.
Of course I do, all the time.
Just yesterday I happened to be with Jake.
Hmm.
- I don't understand you.
- Just calm down, would you? I dated the kid's mom, he got attached.
End of story.
- All right.
- Hey, Larry.
I don't know how this ended up in Jake's backpack.
- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you so much.
Say good-bye and go finish your homework.
Good-bye, go finish your homework.
Gotta get ready for work, I'll see you next Friday? - Yeah, absolutely.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Yup.
Oh, I know, I'm handsome.
Yeah, but don't you have a stupid book thing you gotta get to? Isn't there I'm going, I'll go.
So if you had to guess, who do you think would be better at skee-ball? - Me, or - Connie.
How did you know that? Uh, because Connie's better at skee-ball than anyone.
Damn it, I was hustled! Yes, by her.
Hey, yo! - You won! - Any other guesses? You super won.
- I lost.
- What? You lost? You know what, who cares what that stupid judge thinks anyway? Well, my client kind of cared a little.
But, um, you know what? You can't win 'em all.
So who wants cake? 29-1? You got yourself a failure cake? Perfection is boring, Larry.
I have flaws, and I don't care who knows it.
In fact Excuse me, everybody? Everybody, I have something that I would like to say.
What are you doing? My name is Ben Parr, and I slept with a night-light until I was well into my teens.
Oh, I am doing this.
My name is Kate Swanson, and I can't really swim.
Well, I mean, I'm not going to drown either, but it doesn't look right.
All right.
Listen up, everybody.
My name is Lawrence Ebenezer Munsch, and I am flawless.
Oh, my God, are the rats back? No, no, we're good.
How'd your pitch go? Well, they offered me fruit.
They've never offered me fruit.
Get to the point.
Are they gonna publish your book or not? You know that that's not the last cake in the world, right? Okay, well, they said that it seemed like a really good fit and I'd hear from them in a couple days.
Oh, that's so awesome! I cannot wait to stand in what I imagine will be a very long line for you to sign my first copy of your very first book! Oh, nice one, Kate.
Burn! You can keep trying to act like a jerk, but I know that somewhere deep down there - is a decent human being.
- Oh, man.
Check out the rack on that girl in the wheel chair.
Really deep down.
Well, to fairy tales.
I guess they're still possible after all.
To fairy tales.
Tiffany, what are you doing here? Is everything okay? Bernie wants a divorce.
- What? - Whoa.
The truth is, there's no such thing as the perfect relationship, and even fairy tales can have unhappy endings.
But sometimes an ending is just a new beginning.
I mean, come on.
Look at that face.
You'd wanna make her feel better, too.
You know This is more fun.
I told you.
Ow.
- That is the downside - Right.
Ta-da!