Mapleworth Murders (2020) s01e11 Episode Script
The Final Chapter for Mrs. Mapleworth - Part 2
Hey, that's not meant for you!
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STOMACH GURGLING]
- [GROANS]
- [GASPS]
- [CUSTOMERS GASP]
- That's my salty nipple!
ABIGAIL: Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.
Pumpkin shooter.
Precisely. What do we know about her,
besides the fact that she's
balls deep in menopause?
She's not psyched that you
helped put her son in prison.
Correct. And when she
flipped a flamingo on me,
I noticed she was wearing
the same orange nail color
that was on those books.
- Dink Choadler.
- Seemed so nice.
There are some nice murderers.
But he said he owned all my books.
- Like the books found in the trunk.
- ABIGAIL: Exactly.
He also yelled out,
"That wasn't meant for you,"
when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.
Say that five fimes tast.
Doggamnit!
I mean, gab blam it!
Also, it's like he meant
for only you to drink it.
Plus, he made the drink.
Thank you, Gilbert.
Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.
And last but least,
this dick, Paige Wellingtont.
She was sneezing like crazy,
which would explain
why there were so many tissues
in the front seat of that car.
Look at this mess.
A steaming hot pile of crow shit
all over my suspect board here.
It's a mess. Ironically, I have
my own same three suspects.
Really?
HEIDI: That's a grocery list.
"Two dozen eggs."
That's for Dink there, because
he makes me the rocky smoothie
every morning with the two egg yolks.
Who's "Two big grapefruits"?
That would be Mrs. Twatt there
because you have two big
grapefruits on her chest.
And my nickname for Mrs.
Wellingtont is Hemorrhoids.
She's a pain in my ass!
Should I bring all three of
them in for questioning, sir?
Let me get my balls
together first, Gilbert.
I was gonna say that, but you're
talking over me in front of people.
I wish I could make a time machine
and go back five seconds
so I can say what I was
gonna say the first time.
It's funny that you're always about
to tell someone to do something
after they've already said
they're going to do it.
Honestly, I wasn't
listening to you at all,
but I do sense a tone in the room.
Well, I think that my aunt's
probably just a bit on edge
after almost being killed twice.
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?
Fine, but just tell me what those
three say when you interview them.
Wait a minute now.
No one's privy to that
except Gilbert and myself.
This is an ongoing investigation.
So stay out of it, Mapleworth.
Ugh. Why would I try to poison Abigail?
We're friends.
Everything you ever written
about her says different.
"Shitty writer solves murder."
"Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."
"Mystery solved. Mrs.
Mapleworth was the farter."
One more question.
Why are you such a
boring waste of space?
[WHISPERS] And also,
she's a piece of shit.
- Woman!
- [YELLS]
Okay. Our job is to talk to the
suspect till the suspect fucks up.
So here's the question.
When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink,
did you add poison?
- Yes.
- See?
- Wait. Did you say vermouth?
- No. I said poison.
Oops. Then no.
I call all booze poison,
so when someone sits down,
I can say, "Name your poison."
Because it sounds nifty.
Okay, we got a few questions
for you, Mrs. Twatt.
That's no longer my name, thank God.
I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.
Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.
ABIGAIL: See, me and Gilbert
here, we're the police.
So you better be careful
how you answer this.
Did you put poison in
Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?
Answer the doggang question
Oh! Answer the gall dang question
Not today, Pewntz, not today.
What the hell?
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Get the fuck out of here!
Did you try to run over Mrs.
Mapleworth with your car?
How could I? I was reviewing
the Pitch 22 concert.
I sat right next to Mrs.
Mapleworth's niece
and her two weird friends.
It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,
where we drink whiskey
and hit things with clubs.
How can I possibly have tried
to run Mrs. Mapleworth over
if I don't know how to
drive a ding-dang car?
Prove it!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- They're all innocent!
- [GILBERT SCREAMS]
Oh! Gilbert!
You gotta give me a heads-up
if it's gonna be a
shit-in-the-pants day.
It has been a stressful
day, Aunt Abigail.
We really need to regroup.
Can I just, like, help you?
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.
I'm not a little baby kitten
looking for her mama's teat.
Although I love those videos with
Oh, I love it.
Well, it's time someone looked
after you for a change.
So you relax.
Let's put on one of your house dresses.
[YELLS]
Aunt Abigail?
Why do you have so many of these?
What, my neck massagers?
Don't tell me you don't get
a stiff neck sometimes.
All modern women do.
That's my favorite.
That's the purple princess.
It has 40 settings.
This one's pretty cool.
- Like steam punk. You junk.
- [BEEPING]
- I've never seen that before in my life.
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
- [BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
- [YELLS]
- [EXPLOSION]
- [GASPS]
ABIGAIL: That could've
killed both of us.
Looks like the dynamite set
off my neck massagers.
The giant one is probably
leading the pack.
Ah! Well, on the bright side,
there's gonna be a happy
pussy tonight in this house.
I'm sorry?
Buttercrunch, I found
your sparkle balls.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
So how many neck massagers
were in the dresser?
Don't worry about it, Gilbert.
To the board.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Hmm.
Hmm.
Or
Hmm. Oh!
Mmm.
What if there's more than one murderer?
- You know, I've been thinking
- Can it, Gilbert.
You're just coming up with theories
to come up with theories.
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
I'm so discombobulated.
I'm very relaxed around murder,
but this one is different.
With all these close
calls, I've realized
that I could lose my wonderful life,
with my wonderful friends
and family, at any time.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I was gonna give you
this gift card to the spa
for Sweetest Day, but
I think you could use it now.
You know, Aunt Abigail, maybe
some relaxation can really help.
Maybe a little cucumber water
and a long overdue bikini
wax will clear my head
and help me solve this stumper.
Thank you, Gilbert.
[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoo!
It's warm.
It's very warm.
Uh-uh.
Oh!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Help!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STOMACH GURGLING]
- [GROANS]
- [GASPS]
- [CUSTOMERS GASP]
- That's my salty nipple!
ABIGAIL: Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.
Pumpkin shooter.
Precisely. What do we know about her,
besides the fact that she's
balls deep in menopause?
She's not psyched that you
helped put her son in prison.
Correct. And when she
flipped a flamingo on me,
I noticed she was wearing
the same orange nail color
that was on those books.
- Dink Choadler.
- Seemed so nice.
There are some nice murderers.
But he said he owned all my books.
- Like the books found in the trunk.
- ABIGAIL: Exactly.
He also yelled out,
"That wasn't meant for you,"
when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.
Say that five fimes tast.
Doggamnit!
I mean, gab blam it!
Also, it's like he meant
for only you to drink it.
Plus, he made the drink.
Thank you, Gilbert.
Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.
And last but least,
this dick, Paige Wellingtont.
She was sneezing like crazy,
which would explain
why there were so many tissues
in the front seat of that car.
Look at this mess.
A steaming hot pile of crow shit
all over my suspect board here.
It's a mess. Ironically, I have
my own same three suspects.
Really?
HEIDI: That's a grocery list.
"Two dozen eggs."
That's for Dink there, because
he makes me the rocky smoothie
every morning with the two egg yolks.
Who's "Two big grapefruits"?
That would be Mrs. Twatt there
because you have two big
grapefruits on her chest.
And my nickname for Mrs.
Wellingtont is Hemorrhoids.
She's a pain in my ass!
Should I bring all three of
them in for questioning, sir?
Let me get my balls
together first, Gilbert.
I was gonna say that, but you're
talking over me in front of people.
I wish I could make a time machine
and go back five seconds
so I can say what I was
gonna say the first time.
It's funny that you're always about
to tell someone to do something
after they've already said
they're going to do it.
Honestly, I wasn't
listening to you at all,
but I do sense a tone in the room.
Well, I think that my aunt's
probably just a bit on edge
after almost being killed twice.
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?
Fine, but just tell me what those
three say when you interview them.
Wait a minute now.
No one's privy to that
except Gilbert and myself.
This is an ongoing investigation.
So stay out of it, Mapleworth.
Ugh. Why would I try to poison Abigail?
We're friends.
Everything you ever written
about her says different.
"Shitty writer solves murder."
"Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."
"Mystery solved. Mrs.
Mapleworth was the farter."
One more question.
Why are you such a
boring waste of space?
[WHISPERS] And also,
she's a piece of shit.
- Woman!
- [YELLS]
Okay. Our job is to talk to the
suspect till the suspect fucks up.
So here's the question.
When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink,
did you add poison?
- Yes.
- See?
- Wait. Did you say vermouth?
- No. I said poison.
Oops. Then no.
I call all booze poison,
so when someone sits down,
I can say, "Name your poison."
Because it sounds nifty.
Okay, we got a few questions
for you, Mrs. Twatt.
That's no longer my name, thank God.
I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.
Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.
ABIGAIL: See, me and Gilbert
here, we're the police.
So you better be careful
how you answer this.
Did you put poison in
Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?
Answer the doggang question
Oh! Answer the gall dang question
Not today, Pewntz, not today.
What the hell?
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Get the fuck out of here!
Did you try to run over Mrs.
Mapleworth with your car?
How could I? I was reviewing
the Pitch 22 concert.
I sat right next to Mrs.
Mapleworth's niece
and her two weird friends.
It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,
where we drink whiskey
and hit things with clubs.
How can I possibly have tried
to run Mrs. Mapleworth over
if I don't know how to
drive a ding-dang car?
Prove it!
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- They're all innocent!
- [GILBERT SCREAMS]
Oh! Gilbert!
You gotta give me a heads-up
if it's gonna be a
shit-in-the-pants day.
It has been a stressful
day, Aunt Abigail.
We really need to regroup.
Can I just, like, help you?
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.
I'm not a little baby kitten
looking for her mama's teat.
Although I love those videos with
Oh, I love it.
Well, it's time someone looked
after you for a change.
So you relax.
Let's put on one of your house dresses.
[YELLS]
Aunt Abigail?
Why do you have so many of these?
What, my neck massagers?
Don't tell me you don't get
a stiff neck sometimes.
All modern women do.
That's my favorite.
That's the purple princess.
It has 40 settings.
This one's pretty cool.
- Like steam punk. You junk.
- [BEEPING]
- I've never seen that before in my life.
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
- [BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
- [YELLS]
- [EXPLOSION]
- [GASPS]
ABIGAIL: That could've
killed both of us.
Looks like the dynamite set
off my neck massagers.
The giant one is probably
leading the pack.
Ah! Well, on the bright side,
there's gonna be a happy
pussy tonight in this house.
I'm sorry?
Buttercrunch, I found
your sparkle balls.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
So how many neck massagers
were in the dresser?
Don't worry about it, Gilbert.
To the board.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
Hmm.
Hmm.
Or
Hmm. Oh!
Mmm.
What if there's more than one murderer?
- You know, I've been thinking
- Can it, Gilbert.
You're just coming up with theories
to come up with theories.
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
I'm so discombobulated.
I'm very relaxed around murder,
but this one is different.
With all these close
calls, I've realized
that I could lose my wonderful life,
with my wonderful friends
and family, at any time.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I was gonna give you
this gift card to the spa
for Sweetest Day, but
I think you could use it now.
You know, Aunt Abigail, maybe
some relaxation can really help.
Maybe a little cucumber water
and a long overdue bikini
wax will clear my head
and help me solve this stumper.
Thank you, Gilbert.
[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoo!
It's warm.
It's very warm.
Uh-uh.
Oh!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Help!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]