Masters of Sex s01e11 Episode Script
Phallic Victories
Previously on Masters Of Sex Did the kids hold you up? - Gini's got two.
- Oh.
No, actually, it was my ex-husband.
He spent the night on the sofa.
He's having some financial issues.
It's a long story.
I wanted to give you this.
I came up with the amount by, uh, adding up the times we've participated.
Take the money.
Hey.
Do you want to be alone? Something has happened.
You're pregnant.
It's not possible.
Did you think I wouldn't know? You're lucky I don't come after your medical license.
Unh! I capped Libby because you were too selfish to do it yourself.
You're finished at this hospital.
The university has approved my pap smear proposal.
$600.
Not enough for lab equipment or a proper staff.
The rules are different for men and women.
Bill hit you? Uh, it has to do with Libby and how she really got pregnant.
Now I understand.
It was never really about the research.
No.
We were having an affair.
I quit.
I see you still need a secretary.
Masters of Sex - 1x11 "Phallic Victories" Virginia! Do you mind not bellowing for me? Where's the data for the nulliparous-study subjects? I'm sorry.
The what? Nulliparous-- uh, women who have never given birth.
That's another one for your vocabulary list.
I haven't seen it.
I can just go ask Virginia where to find it-- No, don't do that.
Oh, it's not a problem.
She's just down the hall.
You're not to involve her in any way.
She's no longer an employee of this office.
Just let me confirm it with the doctor, and I'll get right back to you.
Yeah.
Thank you, Hal, for the opportunity.
How long do you think it would take you to make your case for pap smears becoming standard procedure - in gynecological exams? - How long? Well, so far, it's been about three years.
No, I mean in minutes.
I just got off the phone with Hal Fortner.
The pharmaceutical rep? Mm-hmm.
His company is sponsoring a two-day, all-expenses-paid, ob/gyn conference at some golfing resort outside of Knoxville.
Oh, God.
One of those medical boondoggles.
Do not turn up your nose.
I just got you the last How did you manage that? The comedian dropped out.
I told him you had terrific patter.
About cervical cancer? You go on after "New techniques in breech births" and before 125 country doctors hit the links.
That is your target audience, isn't it? How does a man save a woman from drowning? What? He takes his foot off her head.
That's the only joke I know.
I don't think you're gonna have to try to be funny.
No, you just have to show up and try to change a few minds.
Well, you know men.
It's easier to change their diapers than their minds.
Two.
That's two.
Yeah, but, really, don't.
It's not doing you any favors.
And you'll come with me? It'd be helpful to have some assistance.
I can't really do an overnight.
I-I have my kids.
Can't you leave them alone? They're 6 and 8.
Can't you leave them with someone? Angela.
Angela has children.
Angela has cocker spaniels.
Well, they're alive, aren't they? She obviously knows how to take care of them.
It's a joke.
Another joke.
Excuse me.
Nulliparous are women who have never given birth.
Well, yes.
Obviously.
Um, but where would he-- It's under P for "Para.
" Para 0 is never having carried a child.
Para 1 is one pregnancy, para 2 is two, and so on.
Why is he asking for that? I think for the introduction to the presentation.
He's talking about the range of study subjects.
No.
Do not let him spend too much time on methodology, Jane.
He gets bogged down by statistical data.
I'm always telling him I used to tell him.
Don't make it sound like it's coming from me, but keep him calm, you know? It's a big part of the job, preventing Bill from becoming his own worst enemy.
I don't know, Virginia.
He doesn't really listen to me the way he listened to you.
For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny Speech! Speech! Okay! Okay.
I was kind of hoping that I'd slip out of here today without anyone making a fuss.
But now I'm glad you did.
Because it gives me an opportunity to say thank you.
Working with you people the past two years, it's made me a better doctor.
And I think it's made me a better friend.
And I know it's made me a better man.
Until we meet again.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? Couldn't miss your send-off seeing as how I'm responsible for it.
- I feel terrible, Ethan.
- No, you-- Libby, don't.
Y-you didn't ask me to do anything that I wasn't willing to do.
And, in the end, we both came out ahead.
- Both of us? - Mm-hmm.
I know that I did, but you? No, it's a fresh start for me, a clean slate.
Have you been reading Norman Vincent Peale? No, I'm not just putting on a brave face.
It's the right time for me to go.
I've accepted that.
You know, there's no repairing my relationship with Bill.
- Well-- - And there's nothing for you to do about that, Libby.
I am going to end up in a great hospital that appreciates me for my doctoring, not because I'm Bill's protégé.
You know, your husband casts a long shadow.
It feels good to finally walk out into the light.
- You know what also helps? - Hmm? - Being in love.
- Ethan! You're in love? With whom? Bill didn't say anything? Knock, knock.
Mrs.
Masters.
And another thing, Vir-- Jane! That's what he calls me these days.
This section you just typed contains 11 references to sexual "intermission.
" - Okay - It's "intromission"! An intermission is something happens halfway through "gone with the wind"! Mrs.
Masters is here, sir.
Sorry.
We're really scrambling here.
So much information to organize for the presentation, plus there's this whole visual component.
Oh, my God! Professor Ladetto's been on hold for 10 minutes.
Shoot.
Lib.
What are you doing here? He hung up.
Should I get him back? I don't have time for him.
I told you already-- put everyone off until after the 19th-- only patients and surgical procedures.
So I guess lunch with your wife is out of the question.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I wanted to be further along by now, but the typesetter needs the handout materials by Friday.
Virginia left us a little shorthanded.
We'll be fine.
I could help out for a while.
At least answer the phones.
Oh, I-I don't think that's a good idea, considering your condition.
There's nothing for me to do at home except to wait for the stork and for you.
He hasn't been home one night this week before midnight.
I could be your new Virginia-- your new old Virginia, the one that just answered the phones.
I never did just answer phones, did I, Bill? Yes.
All right.
That's, uh-- that's fine.
Uh, just for a few days.
Uh, you can help us get over the hump.
Now it finally makes sense, why Virginia didn't want to work nights anymore.
She and Ethan are an item.
You neglected to tell me that.
Did I? They were having a send-off for him downstairs, and he told me the whole story.
Too bad he's leaving, huh? It's his own doing.
He's made some very poor decisions.
That have worked to other people's benefit.
Anyhow, he seems to be taking it in stride.
In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him happier.
A good woman can make all the difference.
Dr.
William Masters' office.
Can you take a break? What's that? Please.
Look at this.
Uh, and for you? I ate.
About an hour ago, in front of the TV.
You don't remember? Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Can I ask? What's on the other side of this, once you present the work? What will be different? Uh everything.
A university's stamp of approval makes the work legitimate-- you know, not some clandestine, after-hours enterprise but something that can operate in the open, which means more resources for the study, a more diverse sampling, further-reaching conclusions.
And recognition, headlines awards.
Uh maybe further down the road.
That's-- that's not what I'm focused on.
No? Does it end there? When do you stop feeling like you've got something to prove? There's always something to prove.
Wait.
How do you like your eggs? Uh, I don't know.
Scrambled.
Henry! Tessa! It's time to wake up! We wanted cereal.
Three more boxtops, and we get a Siren Whistle Crazy Ring.
Sometimes eggs are nice, too.
- Ethan! - Ethan! Dr.
Housecall, at your service.
And what's your ailment today, ma'am? - My stomach hurts.
- Mine, too.
Oh, well, I prescribe 10 tickles! Scrambled eggs.
Mmm.
You read my mind.
How about fried chicken? We're having it for dinner, right, mom? Can Ethan come? Can he? He's welcome to join us.
Lillian is going to a medical conference outside of Knoxville this afternoon.
So I thought I'd duck out early.
She didn't ask you to go with? Mm.
She did, actually, but, you know, the kids.
Why didn't you say anything earlier? You should go.
I can watch them.
Yeah, mom.
Ethan can watch us.
Ethan is our friend.
He's not a babysitter.
Well, we're not babies.
Look, nothing bad could happen to us 'cause he's a doctor.
She makes an excellent point.
It'd be fun, right? Please? Not too much fun, I hope.
After all, it is a school night.
It'd be just the right amount of fun.
Not too little, not too much.
Gin, come on.
Go.
I got you covered.
In the next section of the study, we directed our attention to the possibility of an intestinal lesion ovarian cyst.
Special consideration must be paid to patients after menopause.
However, Miss T's history of tarry stools should have Another example is the ORH diverticulitis is suspected, sigmoidoscopy and a barium-enema X-ray should be performed.
Are there any questions? Bill, a Lester just called.
He said he needs to know as soon as possible what information you want transferred to slides.
- What are you doing? - It's not big enough.
Or loud enough.
There's too much methodology here, too many numbers.
I've got to grab their attention in the first two minutes and then hold it for another 38.
What makes you think you won't? Frank Ditmer just did By minute four, it was like rats deserting a sinking ship.
Well, there's diverticulitis and then there's human sexuality.
Vir-- Jane! You yelled, sir? Yeah, there's some additional statistical data Virginia and I gathered that I want to include More data, Bill? But didn't you just say-- - on penis size.
- Oh.
We compiled the averages a while ago-- flaccid, erect-- and there was data that showed that smaller phalluses expand more than larger ones.
I'm gonna need those numbers, too, Jane.
If you've compiled them, why aren't they already in the presentation? Well, we thought-- I thought-- they'd be a distraction from all the other findings of ours that required more than a grade-school ruler to determine.
I think we should use everything we've got, even the film.
Tell Lester I'm gonna need a projector on the day.
Wait.
The interior footage? The "Looking down a mine shaft" footage? - I'm sorry.
What? - Are you sure the audience is ready for what they'll be seeing? What will they be seeing? I'll walk them through it.
But I want it all in the presentation-- everything but the kitchen sink.
And I want you to identify female participants who have had strong orgasmic responses with Ulysses.
You can help Jane with that.
She can show you how to read the print-outs.
May I ask why? We're gonna ask them to come in for two additional sessions, to perform artificial coition with different-size phalluses.
We're gonna see if penis size plays a role in women's sexual satisfaction.
That should keep them in their seats.
Okay, "stair" like step and "stare" like gaze.
Good.
Two more.
All right, use-- like "use" a napkin and "youse," like "Youse better trade me that fucking baseball card.
" Who uses that word? Henry's friend Darryl uses it all the time.
Liar.
He does not.
Well, maybe he said it once or twice.
Hey, that is not a nice word for anyone to use, especially a kid.
There are lots of better words-- Like "darn.
" Huh? Darn's a fine word.
And also a homonym, like, to darn a sock? Huh? Write that one down.
May I help you? Who the fuck are you? Funny.
She's never mentioned your name.
It's funny.
She mentions your name all the time, usually with an expletive in front of it.
Which, you could argue, is better than never having been spoken of.
Nevertheless, she left me with very explicit instructions not to let the kids out of my sight.
Not even if they're with their own father? If she was expecting you to show up, she would have told me.
I mean, don't you two have a schedule? No, we keep it loose.
I never know when I'm gonna be in town.
Well, I have a three-page list that pretty much allows for every conceivable possibility except you showing up.
What qualifies you to play guardian? Why should I trust them with you? Well, for starters, I'm a doctor.
What kind of doctor is free in the middle of the day? I'm in between jobs at the moment.
Oh.
In other words, you're unemployed? - Just for the time being.
- Yeah.
You got nothing on me, pal.
Hey! I missed you guys! Who wants to watch TV? Ah, come on! I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha! Daddy! How much more did the train cost, again? $7.
$7 this study can't afford.
Do you know how many pap smears one can administer for $7? I don't know.
Three? That's right.
Three.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Can you turn off your reading light? No, I cannot.
I'm working here.
I'm preparing for a presentation on a medical procedure which might just save your wife's-- hey! Lillian, please take a break.
Look out the window.
Enjoy the scenery.
There's nothing to see.
It's pitch black.
Would either of you ladies like a ham sandwich? - I'm not really hungry.
- Thank you, no.
But you're very kind for the offer.
Thank you.
Are you heading home or away? I'm going to my sister's wedding in Kingsport.
Oh, how nice.
Not really.
Rydell, the groom-- we think he held up a service station.
We're not entirely sure.
But we think.
I'm doing the hair.
Oh.
- Are you two sisters? - No.
No.
We are traveling for business.
What kind of business? My companion is a doctor, and I'm her assistant.
No kidding? Do you know anything about moles? Um, I'm looking at your calendar, sir.
How many subjects do you think we can schedule in a night? Uh, three, maybe four.
And you need each of them to come back for a second session, right? To test with a different size? Which means we can only see we'd otherwise see.
Just take care of it.
Um between now and the presentation, sir? Will there be time to see enough subjects? How many participants do we have the time to see between now and the presentation? Maybe 12.
You can't offer a conclusive finding with a sample of 12, Bill.
You know that.
It's not big enough.
Uh that'll be more than adequate.
Really, sir? Here's another one-- "Married, three children, 28.
Two sessions of artificial coitus.
Both times, she had a consistent orgasmic response with Ulysses.
" Excellent.
Do we tell them the purpose of the study? You don't need to tell them anything.
Dr.
Masters makes the calls.
I'm the only one who knows the identities.
Well, you and Virginia.
Uh maybe it's not too late to call this one.
Will you excuse me, please? Sorry.
Confidentiality.
I feel like I'm always a step behind.
It's a steep learning curve, but it flattens out.
Virginia taught me that.
Probably won't be here long enough to get my bearing.
But that's okay.
I just wanted to see Bill in his element before I'm lost forever to diapers and pacifiers.
I do understand why he finds the work so fascinating.
All these study subjects-- how do you keep yourself from reading every single one of their files? She lost her virginity at 16 in the bathroom of the Staten Island ferry to a sailor on liberty.
Two sessions with Ulysses.
First intercourse-- oh, my goodness-- 43.
No? But-- -- multi-orgasmic.
Talk about patience being rewarded.
There was this one woman I saw-- it's the thickest file.
It's in here somewhere.
Oh, here it is.
She came in 23 times.
That's the record so far.
She participated 23 times? S-she's got to be eligible for the size study, don't you think? Uh "No artificial coitus.
One session of automanipulation.
But nothing with Ulysses.
" So essentially it was all intercourse with Well, this is weird.
Same male study subject.
Now, I'm sure she's got a story.
Are you gonna eat your potatoes? How did Indians shave if they didn't have razors? Uh, they, um they used sharpened buffalo teeth.
And they looked at their reflections in, um - pools of water.
- They did not.
Indians have very sparse facial hair, like the Chinese.
Just like Henry.
Henry's gonna have plenty of facial hair when he grows up.
Mm-hmm.
Just like his father.
You're more of a, uh, peach-fuzz type, huh, pal? What are you sporting there-- three, four days' growth? I shaved this morning.
You don't say.
So did I.
Even when you shave, daddy, you've got scratchy spots.
Well, Bug, you know, it's hard to stay on top of it when you have a beard as heavy as I do.
Really precise shaving takes a kind of hand-eye coordination that lots of men just don't have.
I mean, surgeons do.
Professional athletes, baseball players, especially.
Listen, when the time comes, Sport, your old man's gonna teach you how to shave.
See, the trick of it is going against the grain.
With the grain.
Against the grain causes in-grown hairs and razor burn.
Yeah, maybe in sissies, but if you want a close shave, it's the only way to go.
'Cause that approach has worked so well for you in life-- - going against the grain.
- Better than kowtowing to the establishment, like some people.
People with jobs, who support their families? I don't see you having either of those things, buddy.
Hey, would you two stop? We're watching here.
I can ride a horse like that.
I can ride bareback.
Bill? You asleep? Nearly.
I was just wondering.
There was a couple in the study who came back again and again.
Do you know the ones I mean? Yes, a married couple.
No, they weren't married.
Her questionnaire said she was divorced.
Did it? Oh, yes, that's right.
I remember now.
Libby, it's late.
Go to sleep.
Did they know each other before the study? Bill? I-I don't think so.
So you introduced them.
I suppose.
They must have fallen in love.
Did they fall in love? I-I don't know.
That question lay outside our area of inquiry.
Remind me again why the train was a bad idea.
Trains break down, too, you know.
Didn't the desk clerk say there were two beds? He also said there was a view.
Well, ladies, I'm just fine with the floor so long as I can pinch one of those pillows.
The driver said they can't get another bus here till around 8:00 in the morning, and we've got another six hours of driving, easy.
The program ends at at 3:00.
You have the last spot.
We'll be cutting it very tight.
Oh, what's this contraption? "10 cents for 15 minutes of tingling relaxation and ease.
" Can't seem to get away from vibrators, now, can I? Hey, Doctor, why don't you let me do your hair up in rollers? You'll look like a million bucks in the morning.
I can give you the buck seventy-five special.
How can you afford to make a living charging so little? Doesn't your salon take 50%? How would you know that? Because I used to worked as a singer.
In another life.
And no matter what I made, the house always took half.
Not me.
I keep all of it.
I bring in a lot of heads, so I worked out a deal with my boss.
Ah.
The rainmaker's prerogative.
That's what my old boss calls that kind of arrangement.
- Masters does? - Mm-hmm.
He brings in so many patients to the hospital, the university allows him to collect directly for his services.
I don't understand.
He's not paid a salary, like all the other doctors? No, he's more, um like an independent contractor.
So the more patients he gets, the more he benefits.
It's not like he's making off in the night with the money.
He's diverting funds, Virginia.
He's not doing anything the university hasn't sanctioned.
That doesn't make it right.
Don't you see how that disadvantages every other doctor trying to get a study off the ground? I have to go begging for a pittance, but meanwhile, Bill Masters gets to skim off the top? It's a sweetheart deal, Virginia, and it's not fair.
Ahhh.
I'm afraid there's nothing till after the 19th.
No, not a trip.
He's got a very big presentation.
Thank you, Dr.
Jarvis.
I'll tell him that.
You know, you have a smile in your voice.
I do? It's an excellent quality in a secretary.
It really puts people at ease.
Well, aren't you sweet? Can I get you anything while you wait? Oh, Bill, this is-- Dr.
Masters-- Malcolm Toll.
I'm one of the new fellows.
I did my residency at Ann Arbor.
Duncan McAllister said to say hello.
I just want to say how much I'm looking forward - to learning from you, sir.
- Yes.
Well I just reached a fourth participant.
I've scheduled her for 9:15.
Uh, sir, I saw you have a uterine adenocarcinoma surgery scheduled for tomorrow.
I was hoping I could observe.
Dr.
Toll was just telling us he's a fourth-generation physician.
Have you cleared it with your attending? I thought I'd get your okay first.
Dr.
Masters, I know you have a history of mentoring fellows, and I just want to make a case for myself as early as possible.
I-I know Dr.
Haas had that role and he's no longer at the hospital.
And I know his are very big shoes to fill.
They're not so big, actually.
Well, I just wanted to let you know, I'm a man with very big feet.
He didn't mean that literally, Jane.
But he actually does.
May I ask? Size 13 1/2.
Since I was 11.
We're too late.
We missed it.
Lillian? I have to sit down.
Are you all right? Of course I'm not all right.
I just traveled 17 hours for no reason at all.
Well, let's just regroup for a moment.
You know why we missed it, Virginia? Because we were stuck in a fleabag motel.
Why were we stuck? Because we took the bus.
Why'd we take the bus? Because we couldn't afford the train.
And we couldn't afford the train because Washington University only gave me a lousy 600 bucks to fund an outreach program.
Why did they only give me $600? Because every penny Bill Masters is making for the university, he's giving to himself.
Is that what you think? That all of this leads back to Bill? Well, it starts with him and what he represents.
Which is what, exactly? You think Bill's advantaged because he's a man? He's advantaged because he's a brilliant doctor who figured out a way to beat the system and not so he could line his own pockets, mind you, but so he could fund research that he believes will help better people's lives.
Well, having a dick doesn't hurt.
You know what you've got, Lillian? You've got a case of penis envy.
It'd make things a lot easier.
Don't you ever wish you were a man? No.
Never.
You never feel betrayed by your anatomy, that you have all these parts that could just turn against you? I don't know what I'm saying.
Suddenly, I'm just very, very tired.
Well, you don't get to be tired.
We're here.
It took us 17 hours, but we're here.
So we need to figure out a way to make this trip worthwhile somehow.
What do you suggest? Well there aren't just fraternities in this world.
There are also sororities.
Excuse me, sir? The doctors, they're all out golfing? Yes, ma'am.
You looking for your husbands? Uh, no.
Actually, we're looking for their wives.
Excuse me, ladies.
Might I trouble one of you for a cigarette? I've just smoked my last.
Oh, of course.
Thank you.
Would you care to join us? Oh.
Yes, thank you.
I'm Virginia.
This is Lillian.
Hello.
I'm Enid.
And this is Geraldine, Betsy, Diana, and and I am so sorry.
I've forgotten your name.
- Louise.
- Louise.
We've only just met.
Oh, I see.
And yet I'm sure you have so much in common.
Kids, men who love to golf.
In fact, I bet even how you first met your husbands.
How many of yours were office romances? Well, I ran Doug's office for two years.
I was Mel's nurse.
Greg's secretary.
Well, I'm sure all of their practices were better off having you on the payroll, whispering in their ears, letting them know that maybe their patients had other concerns besides, say, losing the baby weight.
Am I right? Doug used to say, "Let's check the oil," before he did a pelvic exam.
I put a stop to that.
You know, there's this new cancer test that they're doing in all of the major metropolitan hospitals.
It's a simple cervical swab-- takes less than 10 seconds.
Lillian here is far better versed in the medicine than I am.
What were you telling me earlier? It's called the pap smear.
Maybe some of you ladies have heard of it.
You missed them.
They tried to stay up, but they couldn't keep their eyes open.
I tucked them in about 20 minutes ago.
It's not even 8:00.
They're kids.
They were tired.
Well, did you give Tessa her stuffed turtle? Because she can't sleep without that thing.
It's a Raggedy Ann doll now.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? I don't enjoy them waiting for a father who doesn't show up.
Hey, I don't need a lecture from you, pal.
And just because you're popping my ex-wife, that doesn't give you any right to-- I'm going to marry her.
I haven't asked her yet, but I'm going to, and she's going to say yes.
Well, I wouldn't count on it.
Gini's not like other girls.
She doesn't put much stock in a ring on her finger.
She'd probably be happy to go on like this for a while.
Well, she'd be foolish to follow me out of state unless it was as my wife.
I'm considering a number of job possibili-- You're not taking my children out of Missouri.
You're welcome to visit.
You visit now.
Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm just saying, I'm going to be there for them.
You don't have to like it.
Well, let me tell you something, pal.
It doesn't matter what you and Virginia do or where you go, 'cause you are never gonna be those kids' father.
You want to keep the title, George? You got it.
All I want is the job.
So you're free to choose whichever phallus you like.
In a future session, you'll be asked to use the one you didn't choose tonight, and we'll be comparing those results with your response to the very first phallus we provided you with.
What are you doing, Bill? There's not enough time to get it right.
Which one would you like to begin with? I feel like Goldilocks.
You're waiting to see which one I choose, aren't you? Wondering if it reflects a particular preference.
I'm just here to observe.
Impartially? No stake in the outcome, whatsoever? I know what the outcome is gonna be.
How? anything conclusively.
In time, if additional data warrants it, I'll revisit the finding.
Which is what? A man's size doesn't matter.
There's no way you could know that.
I'm going to say it.
You are cutting corners, Bill.
I'm gonna tell them what they want to hear.
So they'll hear what I want to tell them.
It's for the greater good.
You've got to get people into the tent, Virginia-- make the work relevant to them, personally.
You're not giving them the gift you think you are.
Now, after all those jubilant small-to medium-sized men come home and crawl into bed beside their sleeping women, they're gonna stare up at the bedroom ceiling and they're going to realize that if size doesn't matter, something else does.
And that something else is going to scare the hell out of them because maybe they don't have it.
And maybe Ethan does.
That's the fear, isn't it? Not whether you're big enough.
Whether you're good enough.
I need this to go well because if it doesn't I will have lost everything.
You are a bigger man than that, aren't you? No.
I don't think I am.
Miss 8:30's all wired up.
I'm ready.
Hickory, Maryville, Spartanburg, Dalton, Albertville, and Williamsburg.
We've got advocates in six cities, in six states, in one fell swoop.
That is a good day's work.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
You should needlepoint that on a sampler.
Most of them met their husbands at work.
It makes you wonder, doesn't it? You could meet someone, too, Lillian.
No, I mean, where they'd be if they'd actually pursued careers-- all those women, putting their ambitions on the back burner.
I'm not looking for a man.
And according to Bill Masters, I don't need one.
Didn't you say that was a big revelation from his study? It's not just his study, you know.
Well his will be the only name on it.
Don't you find it ironic that, in the end, it's going to be a man who will tell women that they can find their own satisfaction? Which isn't all that satisfying for you, is it? Don't you ever want anything that's just yours, Virginia? Well, who has anything that's just theirs? What do you have? I have cancer.
What? Cervical cancer, actually.
It's very advanced.
Past the point of treatment.
It was detected with a pap smear in my mid-20s.
I wanted to be a doctor before that, but it led me to specialize in gynecology.
And you've had radiation? And then a hysterectomy.
I thought it was gone, but then it came back about 18 months ago.
It progressed to my liver, which is Stage IV.
Lillian I'm so sorry.
I'm not going to be around to see the testing become routine.
I'm going to have to hand the work off to someone who can fight the fight who can talk small but think big who can find the shortest distance between two points.
Do you know anyone like that? Ah.
I'm going to try to get some sleep.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Bye.
All right, have a nice day! What do you call that spot under the knee that the doctor taps with a hammer and makes your leg kick? A patellar reflex.
Yeah.
Virginia's mine.
You tap and I kick, hard.
Mm.
Well, I understand.
She's quite a woman.
I didn't want kids.
Not that I don't love the ones I got.
I do.
But I knew they'd pull her away from me, and they did.
And the thing of it is, I let them go.
I mean, if you don't want your kids to turn out like you, then what have you got to teach them? Hmm.
You seem like a nice enough guy.
I'd like to think so.
Trying to be.
Yeah.
Wherever you land, I could-- I could probably book some local gigs thereabouts, change up circuits.
That'd be nice.
It doesn't mean I don't love them.
Of course not.
I hope you'll wish Virginia and me well.
Well, I tell you, it helps knowing that what she and I had, you'll never know.
Because she's not the girl she was back then.
Well I'll take her anyway.
Ever heard her sing? Nah.
She doesn't even hum anymore.
And the two of us onstage I'm telling you, you know, we had this rhythm, we had this back and forth.
We were a real team.
But she changed.
Got a career.
Got all ambitious.
You'll never know the girl she was back then.
And that's my consolation prize.
Bill? What is it? Nothing.
Can't sleep.
Is it work? No.
It's, uh no.
Well, can I get you something? No.
I'm fine.
Please, don't get up, Libby.
I should be taking care of you.
You do.
Uh, l-let's go back to bed.
You do take care of me.
You feel good inside me.
You feel just right.
- Libby, please-- - No, I-I I know that I wasn't your first.
But you were mine.
And once I met you, I've never wanted to be with another man.
I am so sorry about George.
- I had no idea-- - It's okay.
No bones were broken.
He and I got a lot straightened out, actually.
Really? Like what? Actually, never mind.
I don't want to know.
I do want to know, but only if it's good.
If it's bad, I'd prefer if you waited until I was less tired.
It was a hard trip.
If I die, he gets the kids.
- What? - He's their father.
It'd be hard to make a case that they belong with anybody else.
I I can't die.
Just promise me I won't die.
Well, I'm a doctor.
So you've got that working in your favor.
Have you heard from any hospitals? A few.
Any close by? I don't know how many miles I can put on the car driving back and forth before I'm gonna need new tires.
Well, why don't you let me worry about that? In fact, why don't you let me worry about everything? I mean it, Gini.
You want to quit your job, go to school full-time? I think you should.
You want to stay home with the kids? I'll support you, in every way.
Wow.
What has gotten into you? You must have really missed me.
If there is something that you always wanted to do, someone you wanted to be and you never got the chance, I will make that happen.
I want us to be a team.
Aren't we? We're a couple.
No, a team.
Like-- I don't know-- like Burns and Allen.
Or Lewis and Clark.
Bonnie and Clyde.
Hey.
I'm serious.
Haas and Johnson.
It's got a ring to it.
Don't you think? you give your hand to me and then you say hello and I can hardly speak my heart is beating so and anyone can tell you think you know me well but you don't know me no, you don't know the one who dreams of you at night and longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight to you, I'm just a friend that's all I've ever been no, you don't know me you give your hand to me and then you say goodbye I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy you'll never, never know the one who loves you so no, you don't know me
- Oh.
No, actually, it was my ex-husband.
He spent the night on the sofa.
He's having some financial issues.
It's a long story.
I wanted to give you this.
I came up with the amount by, uh, adding up the times we've participated.
Take the money.
Hey.
Do you want to be alone? Something has happened.
You're pregnant.
It's not possible.
Did you think I wouldn't know? You're lucky I don't come after your medical license.
Unh! I capped Libby because you were too selfish to do it yourself.
You're finished at this hospital.
The university has approved my pap smear proposal.
$600.
Not enough for lab equipment or a proper staff.
The rules are different for men and women.
Bill hit you? Uh, it has to do with Libby and how she really got pregnant.
Now I understand.
It was never really about the research.
No.
We were having an affair.
I quit.
I see you still need a secretary.
Masters of Sex - 1x11 "Phallic Victories" Virginia! Do you mind not bellowing for me? Where's the data for the nulliparous-study subjects? I'm sorry.
The what? Nulliparous-- uh, women who have never given birth.
That's another one for your vocabulary list.
I haven't seen it.
I can just go ask Virginia where to find it-- No, don't do that.
Oh, it's not a problem.
She's just down the hall.
You're not to involve her in any way.
She's no longer an employee of this office.
Just let me confirm it with the doctor, and I'll get right back to you.
Yeah.
Thank you, Hal, for the opportunity.
How long do you think it would take you to make your case for pap smears becoming standard procedure - in gynecological exams? - How long? Well, so far, it's been about three years.
No, I mean in minutes.
I just got off the phone with Hal Fortner.
The pharmaceutical rep? Mm-hmm.
His company is sponsoring a two-day, all-expenses-paid, ob/gyn conference at some golfing resort outside of Knoxville.
Oh, God.
One of those medical boondoggles.
Do not turn up your nose.
I just got you the last How did you manage that? The comedian dropped out.
I told him you had terrific patter.
About cervical cancer? You go on after "New techniques in breech births" and before 125 country doctors hit the links.
That is your target audience, isn't it? How does a man save a woman from drowning? What? He takes his foot off her head.
That's the only joke I know.
I don't think you're gonna have to try to be funny.
No, you just have to show up and try to change a few minds.
Well, you know men.
It's easier to change their diapers than their minds.
Two.
That's two.
Yeah, but, really, don't.
It's not doing you any favors.
And you'll come with me? It'd be helpful to have some assistance.
I can't really do an overnight.
I-I have my kids.
Can't you leave them alone? They're 6 and 8.
Can't you leave them with someone? Angela.
Angela has children.
Angela has cocker spaniels.
Well, they're alive, aren't they? She obviously knows how to take care of them.
It's a joke.
Another joke.
Excuse me.
Nulliparous are women who have never given birth.
Well, yes.
Obviously.
Um, but where would he-- It's under P for "Para.
" Para 0 is never having carried a child.
Para 1 is one pregnancy, para 2 is two, and so on.
Why is he asking for that? I think for the introduction to the presentation.
He's talking about the range of study subjects.
No.
Do not let him spend too much time on methodology, Jane.
He gets bogged down by statistical data.
I'm always telling him I used to tell him.
Don't make it sound like it's coming from me, but keep him calm, you know? It's a big part of the job, preventing Bill from becoming his own worst enemy.
I don't know, Virginia.
He doesn't really listen to me the way he listened to you.
For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny Speech! Speech! Okay! Okay.
I was kind of hoping that I'd slip out of here today without anyone making a fuss.
But now I'm glad you did.
Because it gives me an opportunity to say thank you.
Working with you people the past two years, it's made me a better doctor.
And I think it's made me a better friend.
And I know it's made me a better man.
Until we meet again.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? Couldn't miss your send-off seeing as how I'm responsible for it.
- I feel terrible, Ethan.
- No, you-- Libby, don't.
Y-you didn't ask me to do anything that I wasn't willing to do.
And, in the end, we both came out ahead.
- Both of us? - Mm-hmm.
I know that I did, but you? No, it's a fresh start for me, a clean slate.
Have you been reading Norman Vincent Peale? No, I'm not just putting on a brave face.
It's the right time for me to go.
I've accepted that.
You know, there's no repairing my relationship with Bill.
- Well-- - And there's nothing for you to do about that, Libby.
I am going to end up in a great hospital that appreciates me for my doctoring, not because I'm Bill's protégé.
You know, your husband casts a long shadow.
It feels good to finally walk out into the light.
- You know what also helps? - Hmm? - Being in love.
- Ethan! You're in love? With whom? Bill didn't say anything? Knock, knock.
Mrs.
Masters.
And another thing, Vir-- Jane! That's what he calls me these days.
This section you just typed contains 11 references to sexual "intermission.
" - Okay - It's "intromission"! An intermission is something happens halfway through "gone with the wind"! Mrs.
Masters is here, sir.
Sorry.
We're really scrambling here.
So much information to organize for the presentation, plus there's this whole visual component.
Oh, my God! Professor Ladetto's been on hold for 10 minutes.
Shoot.
Lib.
What are you doing here? He hung up.
Should I get him back? I don't have time for him.
I told you already-- put everyone off until after the 19th-- only patients and surgical procedures.
So I guess lunch with your wife is out of the question.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I wanted to be further along by now, but the typesetter needs the handout materials by Friday.
Virginia left us a little shorthanded.
We'll be fine.
I could help out for a while.
At least answer the phones.
Oh, I-I don't think that's a good idea, considering your condition.
There's nothing for me to do at home except to wait for the stork and for you.
He hasn't been home one night this week before midnight.
I could be your new Virginia-- your new old Virginia, the one that just answered the phones.
I never did just answer phones, did I, Bill? Yes.
All right.
That's, uh-- that's fine.
Uh, just for a few days.
Uh, you can help us get over the hump.
Now it finally makes sense, why Virginia didn't want to work nights anymore.
She and Ethan are an item.
You neglected to tell me that.
Did I? They were having a send-off for him downstairs, and he told me the whole story.
Too bad he's leaving, huh? It's his own doing.
He's made some very poor decisions.
That have worked to other people's benefit.
Anyhow, he seems to be taking it in stride.
In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him happier.
A good woman can make all the difference.
Dr.
William Masters' office.
Can you take a break? What's that? Please.
Look at this.
Uh, and for you? I ate.
About an hour ago, in front of the TV.
You don't remember? Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Can I ask? What's on the other side of this, once you present the work? What will be different? Uh everything.
A university's stamp of approval makes the work legitimate-- you know, not some clandestine, after-hours enterprise but something that can operate in the open, which means more resources for the study, a more diverse sampling, further-reaching conclusions.
And recognition, headlines awards.
Uh maybe further down the road.
That's-- that's not what I'm focused on.
No? Does it end there? When do you stop feeling like you've got something to prove? There's always something to prove.
Wait.
How do you like your eggs? Uh, I don't know.
Scrambled.
Henry! Tessa! It's time to wake up! We wanted cereal.
Three more boxtops, and we get a Siren Whistle Crazy Ring.
Sometimes eggs are nice, too.
- Ethan! - Ethan! Dr.
Housecall, at your service.
And what's your ailment today, ma'am? - My stomach hurts.
- Mine, too.
Oh, well, I prescribe 10 tickles! Scrambled eggs.
Mmm.
You read my mind.
How about fried chicken? We're having it for dinner, right, mom? Can Ethan come? Can he? He's welcome to join us.
Lillian is going to a medical conference outside of Knoxville this afternoon.
So I thought I'd duck out early.
She didn't ask you to go with? Mm.
She did, actually, but, you know, the kids.
Why didn't you say anything earlier? You should go.
I can watch them.
Yeah, mom.
Ethan can watch us.
Ethan is our friend.
He's not a babysitter.
Well, we're not babies.
Look, nothing bad could happen to us 'cause he's a doctor.
She makes an excellent point.
It'd be fun, right? Please? Not too much fun, I hope.
After all, it is a school night.
It'd be just the right amount of fun.
Not too little, not too much.
Gin, come on.
Go.
I got you covered.
In the next section of the study, we directed our attention to the possibility of an intestinal lesion ovarian cyst.
Special consideration must be paid to patients after menopause.
However, Miss T's history of tarry stools should have Another example is the ORH diverticulitis is suspected, sigmoidoscopy and a barium-enema X-ray should be performed.
Are there any questions? Bill, a Lester just called.
He said he needs to know as soon as possible what information you want transferred to slides.
- What are you doing? - It's not big enough.
Or loud enough.
There's too much methodology here, too many numbers.
I've got to grab their attention in the first two minutes and then hold it for another 38.
What makes you think you won't? Frank Ditmer just did By minute four, it was like rats deserting a sinking ship.
Well, there's diverticulitis and then there's human sexuality.
Vir-- Jane! You yelled, sir? Yeah, there's some additional statistical data Virginia and I gathered that I want to include More data, Bill? But didn't you just say-- - on penis size.
- Oh.
We compiled the averages a while ago-- flaccid, erect-- and there was data that showed that smaller phalluses expand more than larger ones.
I'm gonna need those numbers, too, Jane.
If you've compiled them, why aren't they already in the presentation? Well, we thought-- I thought-- they'd be a distraction from all the other findings of ours that required more than a grade-school ruler to determine.
I think we should use everything we've got, even the film.
Tell Lester I'm gonna need a projector on the day.
Wait.
The interior footage? The "Looking down a mine shaft" footage? - I'm sorry.
What? - Are you sure the audience is ready for what they'll be seeing? What will they be seeing? I'll walk them through it.
But I want it all in the presentation-- everything but the kitchen sink.
And I want you to identify female participants who have had strong orgasmic responses with Ulysses.
You can help Jane with that.
She can show you how to read the print-outs.
May I ask why? We're gonna ask them to come in for two additional sessions, to perform artificial coition with different-size phalluses.
We're gonna see if penis size plays a role in women's sexual satisfaction.
That should keep them in their seats.
Okay, "stair" like step and "stare" like gaze.
Good.
Two more.
All right, use-- like "use" a napkin and "youse," like "Youse better trade me that fucking baseball card.
" Who uses that word? Henry's friend Darryl uses it all the time.
Liar.
He does not.
Well, maybe he said it once or twice.
Hey, that is not a nice word for anyone to use, especially a kid.
There are lots of better words-- Like "darn.
" Huh? Darn's a fine word.
And also a homonym, like, to darn a sock? Huh? Write that one down.
May I help you? Who the fuck are you? Funny.
She's never mentioned your name.
It's funny.
She mentions your name all the time, usually with an expletive in front of it.
Which, you could argue, is better than never having been spoken of.
Nevertheless, she left me with very explicit instructions not to let the kids out of my sight.
Not even if they're with their own father? If she was expecting you to show up, she would have told me.
I mean, don't you two have a schedule? No, we keep it loose.
I never know when I'm gonna be in town.
Well, I have a three-page list that pretty much allows for every conceivable possibility except you showing up.
What qualifies you to play guardian? Why should I trust them with you? Well, for starters, I'm a doctor.
What kind of doctor is free in the middle of the day? I'm in between jobs at the moment.
Oh.
In other words, you're unemployed? - Just for the time being.
- Yeah.
You got nothing on me, pal.
Hey! I missed you guys! Who wants to watch TV? Ah, come on! I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha! Daddy! How much more did the train cost, again? $7.
$7 this study can't afford.
Do you know how many pap smears one can administer for $7? I don't know.
Three? That's right.
Three.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Can you turn off your reading light? No, I cannot.
I'm working here.
I'm preparing for a presentation on a medical procedure which might just save your wife's-- hey! Lillian, please take a break.
Look out the window.
Enjoy the scenery.
There's nothing to see.
It's pitch black.
Would either of you ladies like a ham sandwich? - I'm not really hungry.
- Thank you, no.
But you're very kind for the offer.
Thank you.
Are you heading home or away? I'm going to my sister's wedding in Kingsport.
Oh, how nice.
Not really.
Rydell, the groom-- we think he held up a service station.
We're not entirely sure.
But we think.
I'm doing the hair.
Oh.
- Are you two sisters? - No.
No.
We are traveling for business.
What kind of business? My companion is a doctor, and I'm her assistant.
No kidding? Do you know anything about moles? Um, I'm looking at your calendar, sir.
How many subjects do you think we can schedule in a night? Uh, three, maybe four.
And you need each of them to come back for a second session, right? To test with a different size? Which means we can only see we'd otherwise see.
Just take care of it.
Um between now and the presentation, sir? Will there be time to see enough subjects? How many participants do we have the time to see between now and the presentation? Maybe 12.
You can't offer a conclusive finding with a sample of 12, Bill.
You know that.
It's not big enough.
Uh that'll be more than adequate.
Really, sir? Here's another one-- "Married, three children, 28.
Two sessions of artificial coitus.
Both times, she had a consistent orgasmic response with Ulysses.
" Excellent.
Do we tell them the purpose of the study? You don't need to tell them anything.
Dr.
Masters makes the calls.
I'm the only one who knows the identities.
Well, you and Virginia.
Uh maybe it's not too late to call this one.
Will you excuse me, please? Sorry.
Confidentiality.
I feel like I'm always a step behind.
It's a steep learning curve, but it flattens out.
Virginia taught me that.
Probably won't be here long enough to get my bearing.
But that's okay.
I just wanted to see Bill in his element before I'm lost forever to diapers and pacifiers.
I do understand why he finds the work so fascinating.
All these study subjects-- how do you keep yourself from reading every single one of their files? She lost her virginity at 16 in the bathroom of the Staten Island ferry to a sailor on liberty.
Two sessions with Ulysses.
First intercourse-- oh, my goodness-- 43.
No? But-- -- multi-orgasmic.
Talk about patience being rewarded.
There was this one woman I saw-- it's the thickest file.
It's in here somewhere.
Oh, here it is.
She came in 23 times.
That's the record so far.
She participated 23 times? S-she's got to be eligible for the size study, don't you think? Uh "No artificial coitus.
One session of automanipulation.
But nothing with Ulysses.
" So essentially it was all intercourse with Well, this is weird.
Same male study subject.
Now, I'm sure she's got a story.
Are you gonna eat your potatoes? How did Indians shave if they didn't have razors? Uh, they, um they used sharpened buffalo teeth.
And they looked at their reflections in, um - pools of water.
- They did not.
Indians have very sparse facial hair, like the Chinese.
Just like Henry.
Henry's gonna have plenty of facial hair when he grows up.
Mm-hmm.
Just like his father.
You're more of a, uh, peach-fuzz type, huh, pal? What are you sporting there-- three, four days' growth? I shaved this morning.
You don't say.
So did I.
Even when you shave, daddy, you've got scratchy spots.
Well, Bug, you know, it's hard to stay on top of it when you have a beard as heavy as I do.
Really precise shaving takes a kind of hand-eye coordination that lots of men just don't have.
I mean, surgeons do.
Professional athletes, baseball players, especially.
Listen, when the time comes, Sport, your old man's gonna teach you how to shave.
See, the trick of it is going against the grain.
With the grain.
Against the grain causes in-grown hairs and razor burn.
Yeah, maybe in sissies, but if you want a close shave, it's the only way to go.
'Cause that approach has worked so well for you in life-- - going against the grain.
- Better than kowtowing to the establishment, like some people.
People with jobs, who support their families? I don't see you having either of those things, buddy.
Hey, would you two stop? We're watching here.
I can ride a horse like that.
I can ride bareback.
Bill? You asleep? Nearly.
I was just wondering.
There was a couple in the study who came back again and again.
Do you know the ones I mean? Yes, a married couple.
No, they weren't married.
Her questionnaire said she was divorced.
Did it? Oh, yes, that's right.
I remember now.
Libby, it's late.
Go to sleep.
Did they know each other before the study? Bill? I-I don't think so.
So you introduced them.
I suppose.
They must have fallen in love.
Did they fall in love? I-I don't know.
That question lay outside our area of inquiry.
Remind me again why the train was a bad idea.
Trains break down, too, you know.
Didn't the desk clerk say there were two beds? He also said there was a view.
Well, ladies, I'm just fine with the floor so long as I can pinch one of those pillows.
The driver said they can't get another bus here till around 8:00 in the morning, and we've got another six hours of driving, easy.
The program ends at at 3:00.
You have the last spot.
We'll be cutting it very tight.
Oh, what's this contraption? "10 cents for 15 minutes of tingling relaxation and ease.
" Can't seem to get away from vibrators, now, can I? Hey, Doctor, why don't you let me do your hair up in rollers? You'll look like a million bucks in the morning.
I can give you the buck seventy-five special.
How can you afford to make a living charging so little? Doesn't your salon take 50%? How would you know that? Because I used to worked as a singer.
In another life.
And no matter what I made, the house always took half.
Not me.
I keep all of it.
I bring in a lot of heads, so I worked out a deal with my boss.
Ah.
The rainmaker's prerogative.
That's what my old boss calls that kind of arrangement.
- Masters does? - Mm-hmm.
He brings in so many patients to the hospital, the university allows him to collect directly for his services.
I don't understand.
He's not paid a salary, like all the other doctors? No, he's more, um like an independent contractor.
So the more patients he gets, the more he benefits.
It's not like he's making off in the night with the money.
He's diverting funds, Virginia.
He's not doing anything the university hasn't sanctioned.
That doesn't make it right.
Don't you see how that disadvantages every other doctor trying to get a study off the ground? I have to go begging for a pittance, but meanwhile, Bill Masters gets to skim off the top? It's a sweetheart deal, Virginia, and it's not fair.
Ahhh.
I'm afraid there's nothing till after the 19th.
No, not a trip.
He's got a very big presentation.
Thank you, Dr.
Jarvis.
I'll tell him that.
You know, you have a smile in your voice.
I do? It's an excellent quality in a secretary.
It really puts people at ease.
Well, aren't you sweet? Can I get you anything while you wait? Oh, Bill, this is-- Dr.
Masters-- Malcolm Toll.
I'm one of the new fellows.
I did my residency at Ann Arbor.
Duncan McAllister said to say hello.
I just want to say how much I'm looking forward - to learning from you, sir.
- Yes.
Well I just reached a fourth participant.
I've scheduled her for 9:15.
Uh, sir, I saw you have a uterine adenocarcinoma surgery scheduled for tomorrow.
I was hoping I could observe.
Dr.
Toll was just telling us he's a fourth-generation physician.
Have you cleared it with your attending? I thought I'd get your okay first.
Dr.
Masters, I know you have a history of mentoring fellows, and I just want to make a case for myself as early as possible.
I-I know Dr.
Haas had that role and he's no longer at the hospital.
And I know his are very big shoes to fill.
They're not so big, actually.
Well, I just wanted to let you know, I'm a man with very big feet.
He didn't mean that literally, Jane.
But he actually does.
May I ask? Size 13 1/2.
Since I was 11.
We're too late.
We missed it.
Lillian? I have to sit down.
Are you all right? Of course I'm not all right.
I just traveled 17 hours for no reason at all.
Well, let's just regroup for a moment.
You know why we missed it, Virginia? Because we were stuck in a fleabag motel.
Why were we stuck? Because we took the bus.
Why'd we take the bus? Because we couldn't afford the train.
And we couldn't afford the train because Washington University only gave me a lousy 600 bucks to fund an outreach program.
Why did they only give me $600? Because every penny Bill Masters is making for the university, he's giving to himself.
Is that what you think? That all of this leads back to Bill? Well, it starts with him and what he represents.
Which is what, exactly? You think Bill's advantaged because he's a man? He's advantaged because he's a brilliant doctor who figured out a way to beat the system and not so he could line his own pockets, mind you, but so he could fund research that he believes will help better people's lives.
Well, having a dick doesn't hurt.
You know what you've got, Lillian? You've got a case of penis envy.
It'd make things a lot easier.
Don't you ever wish you were a man? No.
Never.
You never feel betrayed by your anatomy, that you have all these parts that could just turn against you? I don't know what I'm saying.
Suddenly, I'm just very, very tired.
Well, you don't get to be tired.
We're here.
It took us 17 hours, but we're here.
So we need to figure out a way to make this trip worthwhile somehow.
What do you suggest? Well there aren't just fraternities in this world.
There are also sororities.
Excuse me, sir? The doctors, they're all out golfing? Yes, ma'am.
You looking for your husbands? Uh, no.
Actually, we're looking for their wives.
Excuse me, ladies.
Might I trouble one of you for a cigarette? I've just smoked my last.
Oh, of course.
Thank you.
Would you care to join us? Oh.
Yes, thank you.
I'm Virginia.
This is Lillian.
Hello.
I'm Enid.
And this is Geraldine, Betsy, Diana, and and I am so sorry.
I've forgotten your name.
- Louise.
- Louise.
We've only just met.
Oh, I see.
And yet I'm sure you have so much in common.
Kids, men who love to golf.
In fact, I bet even how you first met your husbands.
How many of yours were office romances? Well, I ran Doug's office for two years.
I was Mel's nurse.
Greg's secretary.
Well, I'm sure all of their practices were better off having you on the payroll, whispering in their ears, letting them know that maybe their patients had other concerns besides, say, losing the baby weight.
Am I right? Doug used to say, "Let's check the oil," before he did a pelvic exam.
I put a stop to that.
You know, there's this new cancer test that they're doing in all of the major metropolitan hospitals.
It's a simple cervical swab-- takes less than 10 seconds.
Lillian here is far better versed in the medicine than I am.
What were you telling me earlier? It's called the pap smear.
Maybe some of you ladies have heard of it.
You missed them.
They tried to stay up, but they couldn't keep their eyes open.
I tucked them in about 20 minutes ago.
It's not even 8:00.
They're kids.
They were tired.
Well, did you give Tessa her stuffed turtle? Because she can't sleep without that thing.
It's a Raggedy Ann doll now.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? I don't enjoy them waiting for a father who doesn't show up.
Hey, I don't need a lecture from you, pal.
And just because you're popping my ex-wife, that doesn't give you any right to-- I'm going to marry her.
I haven't asked her yet, but I'm going to, and she's going to say yes.
Well, I wouldn't count on it.
Gini's not like other girls.
She doesn't put much stock in a ring on her finger.
She'd probably be happy to go on like this for a while.
Well, she'd be foolish to follow me out of state unless it was as my wife.
I'm considering a number of job possibili-- You're not taking my children out of Missouri.
You're welcome to visit.
You visit now.
Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm just saying, I'm going to be there for them.
You don't have to like it.
Well, let me tell you something, pal.
It doesn't matter what you and Virginia do or where you go, 'cause you are never gonna be those kids' father.
You want to keep the title, George? You got it.
All I want is the job.
So you're free to choose whichever phallus you like.
In a future session, you'll be asked to use the one you didn't choose tonight, and we'll be comparing those results with your response to the very first phallus we provided you with.
What are you doing, Bill? There's not enough time to get it right.
Which one would you like to begin with? I feel like Goldilocks.
You're waiting to see which one I choose, aren't you? Wondering if it reflects a particular preference.
I'm just here to observe.
Impartially? No stake in the outcome, whatsoever? I know what the outcome is gonna be.
How? anything conclusively.
In time, if additional data warrants it, I'll revisit the finding.
Which is what? A man's size doesn't matter.
There's no way you could know that.
I'm going to say it.
You are cutting corners, Bill.
I'm gonna tell them what they want to hear.
So they'll hear what I want to tell them.
It's for the greater good.
You've got to get people into the tent, Virginia-- make the work relevant to them, personally.
You're not giving them the gift you think you are.
Now, after all those jubilant small-to medium-sized men come home and crawl into bed beside their sleeping women, they're gonna stare up at the bedroom ceiling and they're going to realize that if size doesn't matter, something else does.
And that something else is going to scare the hell out of them because maybe they don't have it.
And maybe Ethan does.
That's the fear, isn't it? Not whether you're big enough.
Whether you're good enough.
I need this to go well because if it doesn't I will have lost everything.
You are a bigger man than that, aren't you? No.
I don't think I am.
Miss 8:30's all wired up.
I'm ready.
Hickory, Maryville, Spartanburg, Dalton, Albertville, and Williamsburg.
We've got advocates in six cities, in six states, in one fell swoop.
That is a good day's work.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
You should needlepoint that on a sampler.
Most of them met their husbands at work.
It makes you wonder, doesn't it? You could meet someone, too, Lillian.
No, I mean, where they'd be if they'd actually pursued careers-- all those women, putting their ambitions on the back burner.
I'm not looking for a man.
And according to Bill Masters, I don't need one.
Didn't you say that was a big revelation from his study? It's not just his study, you know.
Well his will be the only name on it.
Don't you find it ironic that, in the end, it's going to be a man who will tell women that they can find their own satisfaction? Which isn't all that satisfying for you, is it? Don't you ever want anything that's just yours, Virginia? Well, who has anything that's just theirs? What do you have? I have cancer.
What? Cervical cancer, actually.
It's very advanced.
Past the point of treatment.
It was detected with a pap smear in my mid-20s.
I wanted to be a doctor before that, but it led me to specialize in gynecology.
And you've had radiation? And then a hysterectomy.
I thought it was gone, but then it came back about 18 months ago.
It progressed to my liver, which is Stage IV.
Lillian I'm so sorry.
I'm not going to be around to see the testing become routine.
I'm going to have to hand the work off to someone who can fight the fight who can talk small but think big who can find the shortest distance between two points.
Do you know anyone like that? Ah.
I'm going to try to get some sleep.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Bye.
All right, have a nice day! What do you call that spot under the knee that the doctor taps with a hammer and makes your leg kick? A patellar reflex.
Yeah.
Virginia's mine.
You tap and I kick, hard.
Mm.
Well, I understand.
She's quite a woman.
I didn't want kids.
Not that I don't love the ones I got.
I do.
But I knew they'd pull her away from me, and they did.
And the thing of it is, I let them go.
I mean, if you don't want your kids to turn out like you, then what have you got to teach them? Hmm.
You seem like a nice enough guy.
I'd like to think so.
Trying to be.
Yeah.
Wherever you land, I could-- I could probably book some local gigs thereabouts, change up circuits.
That'd be nice.
It doesn't mean I don't love them.
Of course not.
I hope you'll wish Virginia and me well.
Well, I tell you, it helps knowing that what she and I had, you'll never know.
Because she's not the girl she was back then.
Well I'll take her anyway.
Ever heard her sing? Nah.
She doesn't even hum anymore.
And the two of us onstage I'm telling you, you know, we had this rhythm, we had this back and forth.
We were a real team.
But she changed.
Got a career.
Got all ambitious.
You'll never know the girl she was back then.
And that's my consolation prize.
Bill? What is it? Nothing.
Can't sleep.
Is it work? No.
It's, uh no.
Well, can I get you something? No.
I'm fine.
Please, don't get up, Libby.
I should be taking care of you.
You do.
Uh, l-let's go back to bed.
You do take care of me.
You feel good inside me.
You feel just right.
- Libby, please-- - No, I-I I know that I wasn't your first.
But you were mine.
And once I met you, I've never wanted to be with another man.
I am so sorry about George.
- I had no idea-- - It's okay.
No bones were broken.
He and I got a lot straightened out, actually.
Really? Like what? Actually, never mind.
I don't want to know.
I do want to know, but only if it's good.
If it's bad, I'd prefer if you waited until I was less tired.
It was a hard trip.
If I die, he gets the kids.
- What? - He's their father.
It'd be hard to make a case that they belong with anybody else.
I I can't die.
Just promise me I won't die.
Well, I'm a doctor.
So you've got that working in your favor.
Have you heard from any hospitals? A few.
Any close by? I don't know how many miles I can put on the car driving back and forth before I'm gonna need new tires.
Well, why don't you let me worry about that? In fact, why don't you let me worry about everything? I mean it, Gini.
You want to quit your job, go to school full-time? I think you should.
You want to stay home with the kids? I'll support you, in every way.
Wow.
What has gotten into you? You must have really missed me.
If there is something that you always wanted to do, someone you wanted to be and you never got the chance, I will make that happen.
I want us to be a team.
Aren't we? We're a couple.
No, a team.
Like-- I don't know-- like Burns and Allen.
Or Lewis and Clark.
Bonnie and Clyde.
Hey.
I'm serious.
Haas and Johnson.
It's got a ring to it.
Don't you think? you give your hand to me and then you say hello and I can hardly speak my heart is beating so and anyone can tell you think you know me well but you don't know me no, you don't know the one who dreams of you at night and longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight to you, I'm just a friend that's all I've ever been no, you don't know me you give your hand to me and then you say goodbye I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy you'll never, never know the one who loves you so no, you don't know me