Melissa & Joey s01e11 Episode Script

Hey, anybody got any aspirin? My head is just splitting.
Huh? Oh, come on, you guys.
You guys used to love this Halloween stuff.
And I used to poop in my pants.
Hey hey hey.
Ooh, I like what you've done with your hair.
You're parting it a little bit differently.
See? Here's somebody in the Halloween spirit.
My spirits have nothing to do with Halloween And everything to do with this.
I just got my porsche out of the repo lot! - Yeah, baby! - Congratulations.
It must feel so good to have your penis back.
Go ahead and make your jokes, burke.
The ladies, they love the porsche.
Yeah, until they meet the driver.
- You know-- - hey, whoa.
How about channeling all that excessive macho into carving this pumpkin? Nice move.
Insult me and then give me a weapon.
Hey, Joe, now that you got your car back, Do you hate my dad any less? Hate the man that made me lose everything? Nah, not at all.
Ooh, right in the seeds.
So does everybody have their costume ready for tomorrow night? You're looking at it.
I'm going as a teenager who thinks dressing up is lame.
I'm going as her brother-- the kid who couldn't care less.
Guys, it's Halloween.
Come on, remember how much fun we used to have-- Scary, sugar-filled family fun? Come on, if you can't think of any costume ideas, I'll give you a hand.
Burke, will you give it a rest? Hey, Joe, can I talk to you in the other room? What? You don't understand what I'm doing here, do you? Yeah.
Annoying the kids.
Oh, and me.
Halloween was always a big deal in their family.
Lennox and ryder have lost so much.
It's so hard to listen to anything you have to say with that axe in your head.
All right, look, I just want them to have a great Halloween, okay? So let's go back in there and pep 'em up! I don't wanna-- ew.
Guys, Joe was just telling me this cool Halloween story From when he was growing up-- longo family crazy fun.
Go.
Wha-- uh, okay, sure.
When I was a kid, all my friends Got those cool store-bought costumes.
Ooh wow! Anyway, I remember one year I asked my dad if I could have one.
You know what he did? He grabbed two brown paper bags, Taped 'em together, cut a hole out for my head And said, "there you g son.
You're going as groceries.
" - thanks a lot.
.
- I'm glad I could help.
Did you guys hear that? I didn't hear anything.
No no, it was that creaking noise.
This is the second night in a row that I've heard it.
You know what? I've heard that too.
You know what it could be? the foundation settling.
It's not house sounds.
There is something up there.
There is.
It's called an attic.
There it is again.
Maybe it's a rat or a family of rats.
Joe, it's the house settling.
That's what houses do, Especially at night.
Everybody knows that.
There's nothing unusual or weird or strange about it.
Sorry.
My imagination.
I guess you're stuck with me.
Hey, you guys find anything up there, anything at all? Nope.
I took one end of the attic and Joe took the other.
Nothing.
So no evidence of your rodent friends? No rat droppings or a little rat campfire Or a little dvd copy of "ratatouille"? I'm telling you there's a rat up there chewing on a wire.
Just 'cause we didn't find droppings means nothing.
It means he's constipated.
Or toilet trained.
Hey, did someone eat my half a grapefruit? Uh, I think I did.
- But you hate grapefruit.
- So? Until recently she also hated the taste of beer.
What? He means that I still hate the taste of beer.
Unless they've changed it since my dad gave me One sip when I was eight.
- Right? - Right.
Beer, ew.
And where's my little hunk of lasagna? Don't you call me that.
- Ryder ate it.
- Yeah, I must've.
But that was going to be my lunch.
Now I have to buy something from that sandwich lady Who looks like john goodman.
I'll get it.
What's the point of having all you people live with me If I have to answer my own door? Hi.
Myrna sherwood from just across the street.
- Pink house.
- Oh yes.
I love all your little plastic geese With all the different seasonal outfits.
They're like my children.
I got some of your mail by mistake.
Oh, that's so thoughtful.
When I get a neighbor's mail, I just toss it in the Neighbor's mailbox.
Yyou heard that, right? I am telling you there are rats up there.
Myrna, this is my nanny Joe.
Joe, myrna from across the street.
- Is that the goose lady? - Uh-huh.
- Hey, what's going on? - Hi.
So you've been hearing noises in the attic? Just, you know, creaking.
Well, not to alarm you, but it could be Something else.
Like what? I'm sure the realtor told you everything When you bought the house About the unspeakable incident.
Oh, you mean about the swingers that used to live here That made those movies? Different sounds, hon.
No, years ago, a widower named gerhard mueller lived here.
Quiet man.
No one even noticed he was gone Until one day a telephone repairman Glanced in the attic window.
All that was left of gerhard was bones.
- Ahhh! - What? How did it happen? It seems he went up to check on a noise, And then he fell and never came to.
And the rats took care of the rest.
So there used to be rats up there.
And ever since, all the kids have said That this house is haunted.
But that's ridiculous.
Isn't it? Well, anyway, I need to go and get ready For all the little trick-or-treaters.
- You still have candy to buy? - Oh no.
I turn off all the lights and hide in my bathroom.
Happy Halloween.
- Well, that explains a lot.
- Yeah, it sure does.
I got a discount on this house Because some old german guy got eaten by rats.
Yay for me! Or myrna's story could explain You know, the presence of-- Well, sometimes when a traumatic event occurs somewhere, It actually alters the energy of that location for a long time.
Maybe there's a - You know, a - A what? A spirit.
You mean a g-g-g-ghost? Look, scooby, a lot of intelligent people believe in ghosts.
No they don't.
I am a very skeptical person by nature, But I'm telling you there are books and articles.
And cartoons.
You know what? Forget I mentioned it.
No no, you should go talk to your ghost.
I will, but not till tonight.
- Why? - Because it's better to talk to them when it's dark.
Because then you can't see the strings and sheets and whatnot? This is gonna be the kids' best Halloween ever! Hey, aunt mel, I thought you were dressing up for Halloween.
Har har har.
Seriously, you guys know what I'm supposed to be, right? Slutty investment banker.
What? No.
I've got a thing in my ear.
Slutty U.
N.
Translator? Come on, there's still a big box of costumes here, guys.
Who wants to be a hobo? Isn't that just like a homeless person? It's a jolly holess person.
What about a nurse? Look, that's scary.
Ooh, your insurance has expired! Aunt mel, we're just not doing the whole Halloween thing.
Okay, but if you change your mind, it's here.
All right, got the candy for the trick-or-treaters.
- Thank you so much for doing that.
- Of course.
Here you go.
Uh, where are the candy bars And the peanut butter cups? This is just Black licorice and more black licorice.
Oh wait.
Here's something different-- black licorice! What, who doesn't like black licorice? Uh, human beings.
I've got a reputation to maintain.
I am known for my badass Halloween candy.
I can't be passing out suck like this.
Black licorice is vintage and classic.
Yeah, classic crap.
Joe, if I got this in my treat bag, There would be a flaming bag of dog business Thrown at your porch so fast.
Fine.
I'll go to the store and get something else.
No, I'll go.
Otherwise you'll just come back With something else lame like candy corn or liver treats.
There's your ghost buddy.
Don't you two have a play-date? Not until it gets dark.
Why? He's a german ghost.
He's six hours ahead.
You'd better get up there.
Hey wait.
You know what I'm supposed to be, right? A pilot for porno airlines? Hello? Gerhard? Hi.
My name is, uh, Joe.
I know you used to live here, gerhard, And I hate to break this to you, but Uh, dude, you're dead.
And this is not your house anymore.
Nope, this is-- this is my house now.
Actually, it's mel's house.
I work for her.
Technically, I'm freelance.
It's an odd situation, really.
I got caught up in this big financial swindle And lost everything and this was the only job I could-- Like you need to hear about my problems.
I'm gonna take dad some meatloaf.
He likes it, right? How long do you think you can keep this going? I thought we were in this together.
Okay, but aunt mel and Joe are going to find him.
It's only a matter of time.
Oh, so what's your idea? You want to just turn him in? No.
Take him some of that tuna casserole.
- Isn't he allergic to fish? - Mm-hmm.
And even though I can't see you or hear you, gerhard, I feel your presence here.
But you know what? I'm not scared.
No, in fact, unlike other people, I welcome you, gerhard.
I welcome you into my home with-- Ah, what the?! - Scanlon? - Joe.
- Hey, you're looking good.
- I bet.
It's not enough you take all my money.
Now you're trying to give me a heart attack? In my defense, I didn't expect to be seen.
Thus, three days in the attic.
You've been up here for three days? Yeah, the kids brought me a hot plate and a space heater-- All plugged into one outlet.
I'm sorry about the blinky stuff.
Tell me, how have you been? You ruined my life.
There, we're all caught up.
I understand.
Your anger is to be expected.
You also understand your nose is to be broken? Go ahead.
I deserve it.
Of course, seeing my face rearranged Could be kinda traumatic for ryder and lennox.
Don't you think you already took care of the traumatizing With the running off and abandoning them? The months I spent without them have been hell.
Well, let me help you out.
After I beat you senseless, I'm gonna turn you in.
That's fair.
It's been so great seeing my kids these past few days.
I was really just hoping for one last night with them.
Then I'll turn myself in.
That's all you want? Just one last night? It would mean the world to me.
Well, in that case No.
I'm calling the cops.
You see what just happened there? You thought you were going to get something good and then I screwed you.
You know, kind of like a ponzi scheme! Hey, gang, where are you headed? - Nowhere.
- Really? - What's in the bag? - Nothing.
So taking a bag full of nothing nowhere.
That's believable.
Okay, here's the truth.
We were so inspired by you That we decided to cut this bag up, Make it into costumes and go as groceries.
It's an homage.
I saw your dad up there.
What?! My dad here in this house? Back off.
He's not buying it.
Yeah.
Well, not now.
Come on, Joe, you're not going to call the cops, are you? It's one last Halloween and then he's gonna turn himself in.
We can't put this off any longer, ryder.
Your dad broke the law-- several of them.
Yeah, well, if the law can't give a kid a couple hours with his father, - Then the law blows.
- Dad can't run forever.
He deserves to go to jail.
But ryder deserves-- We deserve one last night with him.
Please, Joe? you guys got till midnight.
Stay up there in the attic and don't you breathe a word of this To your aunt mel.
I'll tell her you guys Went to a Halloween party or something.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Ever.
Just for future reference, what could I have done back there - To make that performance more believable? - Not be lying.
Hey, check this out.
They're called candy bars.
Kids like them 'cause they don't taste like sugar-coated tires.
So how'd it go with the ghost up there? Was he more white and floaty or green and slimy? And more importantly, did ya bust him? You know what? I hate to say this, but you were right.
There is nothing up there.
So it was just house sounds.
You were totally completely right.
Oh my gosh, you saw something up there.
no, I didn't.
When you lie, your voice goes higher.
- it does not.
- Joe.
Nothing! Rats.
Rat.
- Lewis.
- Lewis? Lewis? Lewis?! Scumbag Lewis? He's in my attic? Yes yes yes yes, he's up there right now.
Are you joking? Yep, this is my hilarious Halloween prank.
It's no severed hand, I'll grant you, but What are we supposed to do now, turn him in? For crying out loud, why did you tell me he was up there? What? You forced me to tell you! You did that thing where you looked at me! You're doing it again! I can't just call the cops.
Those poor kids.
No, wait.
I'm an elected official.
I can't be harboring a fugitive.
I've got no choice.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
The kids begged me for one more night with their father.
And then he promised me he was gonna turn himself in.
And you believed him? He's manipulating you.
I can't believe you fell for his crap again.
I did not fall for his crap again.
I can't believe I fell for his crap again.
I cannot believe I fell for his crap again.
Here's how you can tell Lewis is lying-- he's breathing.
What's this? It's from Lewis.
He says he took the kids to rick doral's house.
That's that amazing Halloween party they went to every year.
- Then let's go there and get them.
- If they're there.
What, you don't think he was telling the truth? Okay, let me just take that back.
Hello, officer? I need you to send a police car To rick doral's house on lakeview.
I don't know the address, but you can't miss it.
There's like 20 zombie-eaten bodies in the front driveway.
Yeah.
I'll tell you why.
'cause you're going to find Lewis scanlon there.
What do you mean, "join the club"? What's happening? What club? So what if Lewis scanlon is a popular costume this year? I've got the real one.
I swear! Hello? Hey, I voted for your pay raise.
That's it.
We have to go to that party.
I thought you don't believe that they're gonna be there.
I don't, but we're desperate.
- All right.
- Oh wait.
If we're going to the dorals' house, You can't get in without a costume.
Forget that.
We don't have time for a costume.
Come on.
What are you-- what are you doing? There.
Ha.
You're mr.
Clean.
- Let's go.
- Oh my god.
Oh great.
Scanlon could be inside any one of these costumes.
- a teenage witch.
That's cute.
You should have done something like that.
Oh, been there, done that.
All right, they always did everything in a theme.
So look for three people in a theme-like costume.
You know, like marx brothers, teletubbies, any of the greats.
Oh! Well, that's them! - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure! Go.
Gotcha, Lewis! Oh, hey.
Hi.
That's a great costume.
I had no idea who you are.
I still don't.
Here, you might want to put that back on.
Enjoy the party, guys.
Still think that looks like Lewis? - I took a shot.
- No, you didn't take a shot.
You pointed.
I'm the one who took the shot.
Mel, Joe, have you tried the punch? - Lewis! - Lewis.
Actually, tonight I'm a cop.
You, of course, recognize my prisoner, Who will not speak without her defense attorney.
It's been awhile, Lewis.
So much has happened that is all your fault.
I haven't really had the chance to tell you How much I appreciate you looking after the kids these several months.
Well, it was kind of the right thing to do.
You lied to me, Lewis.
You told me you were going to stay in the attic.
- I left you a note.
- Don't blame my dad.
We asked him to take us here.
Well, sorry, Lewis, but the party's over.
I figured that.
We got what we wanted-- one last night.
Do you mind if I say goodbye? - Make it quick.
- Hold this? Guys, I'm going to have to go away for a little while, But it's been wonderful.
And I know everything's going to be okay Because you're growing up great, you've got your aunt mel And you got my old friend mr.
Clean.
I hate that you're gonna have to go to jail.
Ah, I've got lawyers.
Maybe I'll get lucky.
Come here.
Bye, daddy.
- Lewis scanlon? - Ah.
Didn't expect you so soon.
Turn around.
Guys, I love you.
It's all gonna be okay.
Really.
It's very courageous of your father To surrender like that.
Things are gonna be a lot better Now that he's decided to take responsibility for his actions.
That's weird.
Lewis and that cop are laughing.
And waving.
And driving off in a porsche.
That's my porsche.
Hey! Want me to cook you something? No, it's for ryder.
He ought to eat, but he doesn't feel like coming down.
How are you feeling, honey? I'm not as bummed out as him, 'cause nothing my dad does surprises me.
Joe, do you mind if I take ryder this weird noodley stuff? Weird? It's baked ziti.
Yeah, go ahead.
Take as much of the weird noodle stuff as you want.
Wow, this must have really messed with her.
She's doing something nice for her brother.
Scanlon is all over the news, by the way.
Apparently, he made a clean getaway.
You know that guy posing as that fake cop? He's the one in charge of all of his overseas accounts.
Hey, if I had a badge li that "cop," would that've helped? No, I'm still lost.
I'm a sexy secret service agent.
Yeah, I guess I could see you throwing yourself at the president.
- But not to protect him.
- I'll take that.
God, this is really gonna be a tough one to get over.
Yeah, but they're young.
They're resilient.
I'm not talking about the kids.
I'm talking about me.
I had my porsche back for like one day! Now I don't even know where she is Or if they're taking good care of her.
Aw, poor baby.