Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e11 Episode Script

Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! So this is where you humans come to ingest food? Well, let's just say that some humans do, yeah.
Don't you have restaurants on Ork? Oh no, we just eat whatever's in front of us.
That's why we have to picnic back-to-back.
Hey, get a load of the talent that just walked in.
Yeah, that's Mindy McConnell.
Her father runs a music store in the mall.
Who's her handicap? Uh, I think his name's, uh Mork.
Yeah? I bet if you yelled in his ear you'd get an echo.
Well, what do you think I should have? Oh, anything that's on the menu.
Oh, how about this fly? Whoa! Talk about your fast food.
No, eat what's written there.
Oh, I think I'll start off with a little sales tax then.
Hi.
Hi.
What would you like? Uh, world peace, an end to poverty, and a date with Annette Funicello.
Let me know when fun-time is over, okay? Thank you.
Hey, Marcia, looks like you got a real loser there.
That's right, George.
You been giving him lessons? Oh Mork, you really need to try to fit in more when we're in public.
I know, I'm slime.
Oh no Why don't you have the Businessman's Lunch? Why should I have it if he didn't? Hi there, beautiful.
Hi.
I was talking to Mindy.
Oh.
Oh.
How do you know my name? I make it my business to get acquainted with every fox in town.
A good way to do that is to leave dead meat on your porch.
This I take it, is Merk? Oh no, that's a great car.
My name is Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
Well, Mr.
Nanu-nanu, if you'll excuse us I'd like to dance with the lady.
No, thank you.
Come on, you'll love it.
No! Rick, put on some music.
Stop it! What are you doing? Cut it out.
Mork, will you do something? Fine.
I'll order lunch.
Garson? I can't let you pass up a chance like me, honey.
Stop it.
Mork, will you help me? If you insist.
Mind if I cut in? Thank you.
Hey, what are you doing, jerk? No, it's not the jerk, it's the Orkan Hustle.
See? Mindy said Mindy said that you needed help dancing.
We don't need help.
Oh, games! Tag, you're it! Rick, cut the music.
( shuts off music ) What did you just do? I think I just went, tag, you're it.
You better take it back.
Oh, take it back, oh ( speaking backwards ) Mork Relax baby, come here, you'll love it.
Don't cop out.
Oh, cops and robbers, I know how to play that.
Freeze right there, dirtball! All right, let's go.
Up against the wall.
Quick! 10-4! 10-4! Quick! Up against the wall.
We're going to play a little game right now called Hide and Seek, okay? You're going to close your eyes and count to infinity, right? Infinity, that's ridiculous! Come on! All right, one two, three, four, five, six, seven, Hey, wait! Eight, nine, ten, 11, twelve ( laughing ) Hey, where'd he go? What are you laughing at? That was no gun.
That guy Mork, had his finger in your back.
Yeah? In that case, he just became an endangered species.
( grunts ) Mindy, I have some questions I'd like to I still have some questions I'd like to ask about this custom of lunch.
What? When do we eat? That was not a typical example of lunch on the planet Earth.
It wasn't? No.
Oh.
For one thing, I don't usually get attacked.
See, I don't like getting attacked.
Why didn't you stop him? I keep forgetting, you just don't understand, do you? Look, Mork, that guy was a stupid creep.
Somebody should have made him stop.
Mindy, you don't understand, you see, Orkans abolished violence a long time ago.
We consider it humiliating.
Mork, haven't you ever known someone that you needed to protect? Well, yes, there was my girlfriend, Zwendira-Mae-Jo-Bob.
Girlfriend? I thought Orkans had no emotions.
Oh, yes, but we're still assigned someone to go swimming with so we don't drown.
How romantic.
Well, whatever happened to, uh Zwendira-Mae-Jo-Bob.
She was swallowed by a black hole.
Oh, I'm sorry she was killed.
Oh, no, she wasn't killed, she just reappeared four years later eight hundred times thinner.
Look, Mork, I'm not into violence either, but if you're threatened you've got to be able to defend yourself.
The trouble is, you don't understand, do you? Oh, I know all about violence.
I watch TV.
Here, stand up.
Now, throw a punch at me.
( laughs ) Okay.
Oh! ( groans in pain ) See? That's not violence, I didn't even hit you.
Look, violence involves pain.
None of that stuff on TV is real.
Oh, then the Dallas Cowboys are faking it? No, sports are real.
Whew, what a relief.
I thought you were going to tell me next that wrestling was fake.
This isn't going to work.
Let's see How can I teach you about fighting? I know we can always get married.
( laughs ) ( Mork humming "Gonna Fly Now" ) ( speaking in slow motion ) What are you doing? ( speaking in slow motion ): Getting in shape-ape-ape-ape.
( blows raspberry ) ( panting ) But you were running so slowly.
I was jogging in another time dimension.
It's a lot healthier, but a lot more exhausting, especially since I haven't been through a time warp in five or six bleems.
( laughs ) ( door bell rings ) Oh, there's the bell.
Oh, Howard, you're so ugly, if you take off that toupee, you'd look like a rock.
I think your technique may need a little refinement.
I think you've really got your work cut out for you today.
Well, if the Army could teach me how to box, I can teach Mork.
Well, Mork doesn't have the faintest idea how to defend himself, so I hope you can help.
Oh, I hope so, too.
Now, Mindy told me what happened down at The Eatery, and as long as you're going to go out with my daughter you might as well learn how to protect her.
Here, put those on.
I can't, these gloves are pregnant.
No, Mork, they're supposed to be that big.
Here let me help.
There.
Now, cut that out.
Don't Orkans have any method of defending themselves? Oh, yes, but they're all non-violent.
Let's see, there's running away.
Running away? And whimpering.
And for dangerous situations, we use compliments.
Compliments? What do you mean? Come at me.
Okay You have very lovely hair.
I mean, what's left of it.
Well, I'm afraid those methods won't work on Earth, so I'm going to have to show you what you're up against.
Okay, I always say, if you can't learn something from an alien culture, you might as well stay in your egg, because ow! Now you know what pain is.
I knew what pain was but nobody ever told me it hurt.
But that's why you have to be ready to defend yourself.
Oh, but you see, on Ork we don't hit each other.
We have mental competitions called holitackers.
I can cream you in a holitacker.
Okay what do I have to do? First of all, no farging before the smegba's.
Right.
Two feet inside the force field, and You're going to lose points for that.
I'm sorry, but you have to be ready at all times.
Now come on, you try to hit me.
Hit you? Yeah, yeah, try to hit me.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, Pops, but I can't do anything that would cause other people pain.
But, Mork, if you don't learn to fight, then you're the one that's going to feel pain.
I'm-I'm sorry, it's against my beliefs.
( phone rings ) Oh I'll get that.
Well, what are you going to do if you're attacked? I don't know.
But I won't use violence.
Hello? Yes, he's here.
Yeah, just a minute.
Mork, I think it's that guy from The Eatery; George.
( goofy ): George.
Hello.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
( chuckles ) Well, if you insist.
Kay-o.
Be there or be square.
Bye-bye.
What happened? What did he say? Well, he said he was on his way over to pull my lungs out through my nose.
Look, Dad, tell Mork not to come home.
Well, he's been hiding out all day because he's afraid he's going to get beaten up.
Well, yeah, that George character is out in front of the house right now.
Okay, but just tell him what I said.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
( gasps ): Mork! How did you get past George out there? I snuck in the back way.
This house doesn't have a back way.
It does now.
Mork, why are you doing all this? Well, to save my pride.
You see, on Ork, one who throws a punch is much more foolish than one who receives it.
And if I got in a fight with George, I'd be humiliating myself.
On Earth, running around and hiding is considered humiliating.
That's crazy.
In Orkan philosophy, violence is considered a disgrace.
The highest form of courage is to avoid a fight cleverly.
I remember the Three Hundred Bleem War.
We hid from Andromeda.
Your planet hid from another planet? Yes.
We went behind a comet, and they went right by.
Well, then what happened? That was it.
That was one of our greatest victories.
Boy, did we laugh when they packed up and went away.
( honking bark ) That's ridiculous.
Ridiculous? Say that to Squellman the Yellow.
He was one of our greatest heroes.
He was surrounded by millions of Necrotrons, and he got away by saying the famous line, "Hey, behind you!" That's crazy.
Oh, you're right.
Necrotrons don't even have behinds.
Ah, but enough of this gay banter.
I'm off to get the mail.
What if George sees you? Oh, he won't see me.
He'll see Mork Astaire! Ginger? Ginger, is that you? Well, I thought it was a very effective disguise.
I never realized it was you.
Morkalong Cassidy.
I think you should either stand up to George or leave town.
Ching ching ching ching ching.
I ain't gonna leave town.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do when a man's got to do it.
So, what do you got to do? I got to hide.
How the west was won.
Now, just because his viewpoint isn't the same as ours is no reason that he's wrong.
And besides, what's so bad about not wanting to fight? What do you think I should do? Now, whatever you think is right, but I'm not sure that the best way is dressing up like a dead cowboy.
I can be a pirate, then.
( laughing ) Wrong eye.
Argh! Shift the mizzenmast and swab up that poop.
You're right.
I should get out of town.
Here, go find a wig.
Well, I have had it.
Three days, and that George is still in front of the house.
He hasn't moved.
Oh, yes, he has.
He's right outside.
Oh, no.
Quick, quick, you can hide under there.
Hey, you're getting good at this, too.
I'm really going to get him this time.
He'll never even see me.
GEORGE: Where is he? Well, you see, he saw you coming, and he was so scared that he left town.
I bet he did run away.
He's probably scared out of his wits, if he has any.
Look, Mork isn't afraid of you.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
And what if I don't? Then tomorrow, you're going to blow this oboe out your ear! Okay, I'm going but you tell that coward that I'll be waiting for him at The Eatery, and if he doesn't show up, I'll get him no matter where he hides.
So, what's for dinner? Dad, Grandma, I'd like to speak with Mork alone for a minute.
Yes, I understand, dear.
That guy was lucky he didn't throw a punch at me.
Not half as lucky as you are.
Well, I knew somebody was lucky.
Mork, this is difficult for me to say.
Maybe you should hum it, then.
Now, look, throughout this whole thing, I've been trying not to tell you what you should do, but now George is starting to bother all of us, and it-it's starting to look like you're just afraid of him.
Now, I'm no coward.
I just believe that violence is humiliating.
That's all.
All right, I believe that's true, but the way you're acting, I can't help but think that You're ashamed of me, aren't you? No.
Yes, you are.
And Mork from Ork has never been called a coward.
I've never even lost a holitacker, except for that one on Serius, and how can you trust an eight-legged Pekinese as an umpire? Look, Mork, you don't have to prove anything to me.
Yes, I do, and I will.
I'm going down there, and I'm going to make that guy humiliate himself if he has to tear off all of my limbs to do it.
( whistles ) Where is he! Ow Oh, hi.
So, you ready to fight? Oh, no but I'm ready to let you make a fool out of yourself.
Just how are you going to do that? By standing up to you.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm going to make my stand sitting down.
I can't fight you like that.
Lucky for you.
All right, you want to play cute? ( in a baby voice ): Okay.
( babbles ) ( groans ) Tide's up.
Mork.
( gasps ): Leave him alone! Mindy, don't interrupt.
George and I were just having a little discussion.
Good point.
Mork, he's humiliating you.
Oh, au contraire, ma petite.
I've got that sucker on the run right now.
Get up.
I feel real sorry for you.
Oh, come on now, George, don't go and mess up the place.
I'm not going to mess anything up except him.
Why don't you lay off the guy? You can see he isn't going to fight.
ALL: Yeah.
Hey, what is it with you people? You never gave me a hard time before.
And nobody ever stood up to you before.
Thanks, Lumpy.
Well, listen, I could care less about this idiot.
All I ever wanted to do was have a dance with Mindy here.
I don't think she wants to dance with you.
I think her exact words were, "That guy is a stupid creep".
I've had enough out of you, chump.
Now you've had it.
You can go ahead and do what you want to do, but I'm not going to fight.
( groans ): Look, Lumpy, the Supremes.
Hey, what'd you do that for? He started it.
He started nothing.
He wasn't even going to fight.
Oh, big man.
I mean, what's next George? You're going to go step on some baby chicks? MORK: You see George? I've got the support of the people.
I win.
( cheering ) Shut up all of you! Now this whole thing started because I wanted to dance with Mindy here, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
MINDY: Cut it out! I can't allow that, George.
Look, all right, I will dance with you.
Mork, why don't you just go home? No.
You leave her alone.
Yeah? You going to stop me? Mm yes, I am.
Oh, no.
You've got very lovely teeth, George.
What?! Really, you probably floss, don't you? You're crazy! No, you're crazy if you don't floss.
I'm going to smash your face in right now.
I've got to warn you, you're going to humiliate yourself.
I'm awfully fast.
Yeah? I've beaten guys who were fast.
Oh, not this fast.
I'm into time warps.
I don't care if you're into kung-fu.
( whooshing sound ) ( whooshing sound ) Hey, where'd he go? I'm over here, Clone Prince.
( whooshing sound ) ( whistling ) La, la, la, la, la Stereo.
( slow laughing ) La, la, la, la, la ( high-pitched voice ): Hello, you like me here, too? La, la, la ( garbled humming ) This is too humiliating for you.
Please, make me stop.
What's going on here? He's making a fool out of you.
Face it, George, he's too fast.
He's just playing with you.
Oh, yeah? We'll see who's playing with who! Whom.
( whooshing sound ) Bon appetit Oh ( whistles ) Again? ( whooshing sound ) Oh, this is too painful for me.
Please stop making me humiliate you.
Well okay.
Will you say you're sorry to Mindy? I'm sorry, Mindy.
Boy, am I ever sorry.
Then it's over.
Bartender, spam for everybody! Mork, that was the most incredible thing I've ever seen.
How did you do that? I don't know I think I'm a little out of shape.
I think I pulled a frontal lobe.
It was absolutely amazing.
You I mean, you-you beat him without hurting him, and you protected me.
You deserve a big kiss for that one, boy.
( whooshing sound ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in Orson.
ORSON: What are you doing? Oh, I was doing a little shadowboxing.
Since there are no shadows in my mind, I was punching thoughts.
I didn't know you had any.
Oh Just one, and the little sucker's hiding in my subconscious.
( snarls ) Whoa.
Why are you fighting? You know violence is against Orkan law.
Oh, I know that, but I'm trying to fit in here on Earth, because these are a very violent, violent people.
You mean, they have wars? Oh, no, worse than that.
Violence is part of their everyday lives.
First of all, they slash prices.
They drown their sorrows.
They punch buttons, and they kill time.
I'm not even going to tell you what they do to eggs.
I had no idea Earthlings were so vicious.
Oh, not only that.
They blow up photographs.
They hang plants.
And I heard one guy telling another guy, "Hey, man, you can crash at my place.
" And even when they're finished having a fight and they want to make up, they threaten to bury the hatchet.
What makes them so violent? I don't know.
I think it starts when a baby is born.
The first thing the doctor does is hit it.
( whines like a baby ) They don't stand a chance, Your Immenseness.
This is Mork, signing off.
Until next week, nanu-nanu.