Mother Up (2013) s01e11 Episode Script
Invasion of the Hipsters
1 [title music.]
She was a high-class queen of the music biz Covered in bling, 'bout to make it big A couple of kids, a dream deferred Goodbye big city, hello to the 'burbs Hello to the 'burbs Things are gettin' rough And life is gettin' tough These kids are drivin' me crazy I got to Mother Up! 1x11 - "Invasion of the Hipsters" You sure you don't want a drink? Brought one.
Fermented cabbage, amazon river clay, oil squeezed from the head of a Norwegian trout, a touch of someone named Jasmine ah, heaven in a glass.
[choking.]
You sure those are good for you? No.
Yeagh! What did I tell you about playing in the dumpster behind the hospital? - Nothing.
- Oh.
Well, don't.
And get rid of that disgusting whatever it is.
It's a plastic model of your lungs.
They're black and yucky because you smoke cigarettes and treat your body like a fireplace.
Miss Belfonte let me borrow them to shame you into quitting.
- Shame! - Shame? [chuckles.]
You're children.
You don't have enough life experience to shame me.
But science does! It can judge us all! That's why we have health week to teach us the benefits of healthy living.
And there's an assembly at the end of health week.
And they need voluntee-eers! Thank god.
I was going through assembly withdrawal because I haven't been to one in days.
Oh, it's my favourite one of the year and it gets better: I signed us up to be one of the helper teams for health week.
Now all we have to do is think of a team name.
Ooh! I know, we can print team shirts.
[gasps.]
Can we print "I wish I was dead" on the back of mine? Dick, what have I told you about stealing old people for fun? "Never use your own car" and "always return them to the home when you're done".
Really? We had that talk? Well, put it back where you found it.
"It's" name is Marty.
He's our class project and I get to take care of him for health week! I thought you were supposed to get a hamster so you could learn how to neglect a pet.
Not anymore.
The damn hamster lobby strong-armed the government and got that banned so they just use humans now.
Does anyone know how to empty a colostomy bag? It doesn't sound like the kind of thing I want to do wrong.
No.
And figure it out somewhere where there's a hose.
Like the driveway.
Better yet, Greg's driveway.
A project! Let's go! I don't want this man to happen to you, Mommy! Sarah, if mommy dies can Dick and I live with you? [crying.]
Oh, I'm not going to die.
That only happens to people who are weak.
"Classic smoker's behaviour also includes rationalizing your addiction.
" I can quit anytime I want.
Oh, you're going to quit? That is fantastic! I said anytime I want.
Look, smoking has always been there for me, good times and bad.
You can't trust people like that.
But I guess for you kids, I'll quit.
Happy? The happiest! Oh, good for you, Rudi.
You're not going to regret it.
Regret what? [gasps.]
- Oh, right.
- Yay! See you at the volunteer assembly to pick jobs for the health assembly.
The human body can do disgusting things.
You're not listening, Dick.
Mommy said she's quitting cigarettes! Really? I wish Marty never started smoking.
Or drinking.
Or "riding the horse" whatever that means.
At least I've seen the worst.
Okay, Marty.
I'm gonna take five.
Oh no!! Hey, what are you doing now? Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Have you told me yet? Why haven't you told me!? Still making dinner.
Remember, you called a minute ago and a minute before that and then again right now? Minutes? Really? It feels like weeks.
They say the worst of the cravings will be gone after three days.
Well, that settles it.
I'm just going to bed.
For three days.
What exactly is going on here?! I thought you said we were done.
All relationships have their ups and downs, but we're good for each other.
We're meant to be together.
You had your chance.
Now he's quittin' you, see? Get back here! I gave you my heart and my lungs! [clock beeps.]
Good smoke, kids.
I mean have a cigarette day.
Ugh.
Sorry I'm tobacco.
Late.
I waited as long as I could but team Health Hawks got the worst job cleaning up after the assembly.
I also picked a team name.
We're the Health Hawks.
If you got there early why didn't you volunteer us for something good? Now I know you don't mean to be a snippy-snoodle.
You're just stressed from quitting smoking.
- Ya think? - I'll get the cleaning supplies, but can you pick me up from janitor heaven later? Fergus filled the gas tank with corn cobs.
- It's an alternate fuel source.
- Okay see you at janitor heaven! - Oh - Mommy, look! I made a pamphlet.
It says "if Mommy can do it, so can you!" Smoke.
Smoke.
Smoke.
Smoke.
[inhaling deeply.]
Mommy, what are you doing!? Nothing.
Giving you a kiss like a good mom.
Now why don't you go play with your brother and his dead friend.
You can help me roll him.
One of his bed sores looks like a cat.
It's less fun than it sounds.
Oh ho ho, there's our little quitter! - Just remember - Get out! Get out! Get out! [cellphone rings.]
Hi Rudi.
It's Sarah.
I was just there and you seemed really frazzled.
I can't take it! I miss the comforting sound of my lighter, the first glorious inhale, the sweet smell of smoke! I can help! There's an ancient practise that uses a tube to suck the cravings out.
It's been debunked by science but I bet they were just doing it wrong.
Maybe you should start a hobby to keep your mind off smoking.
Let me put this in your ear.
Or you could just go for a power walk and tell those toxins they should be the ones walkin'.
Make them ride the sweat boat right out of Rudi-town! [laughs.]
And then we'll deal with your ears.
You know, maybe I will go for a walk.
To get nicotine patches! O.
M.
Jessica Lange! It's a real live power walker! - Rudi?! - No! No Rudies here.
Go away.
- It's Tiberius.
- And Colby! - And Zarathustra! - And Donatella! We did all of your record company's social media back in New York! We partied at your penthouse for a week, remember? Oh, hey.
Hi guys.
Great to see you.
Been too long.
Wow, look at the time.
Bye! [chuckles.]
Hilarious as always, Rudi.
Don't you want to know why we're here? - "Irony tour of the suburbs!" - Me too! Your outfit is skyballs.
I am totes instagramming.
[all laughing.]
I miss you Rudi, we used to rock the best times.
We sure did.
Hey, why don't you guys come back to the, uh, "suburban cottage" I rented.
Why just do a day tour when you can spend your vacation living the full suburban experience? You always did take it one step further than everyone, Rudi.
That's me, cutting edge.
[deep breath.]
Ah! I missed you so, so much.
Don't ever leave me again.
[chorus plate playing.]
I only wish I could find even older music that no one really wants to listen to.
What's that? A printing press! It's the only pure way to write.
This day is gonna make the front page of my 'zine.
Wouldn't a computer be easier? Are you poor? - No! I'm interesting.
- Look everyone! I live in the suburbs with a sick older relative! Mmm.
Super presh! Can I quote you? Be careful! I have to return him in the same condition I got him in.
Guys, guys! Look at me! Look at me! I'm "dusting".
Oo-doodle-li-doo You think that's suburban? Have you ever used one of these? Or done this? Hey! I'm a housewife and laundry gives me meaning and purpose.
[chuckles.]
[muffled.]
Mommy, you said you weren't going to smoke anymore.
And I haven't.
These lips have not touched a single cigarette.
Good evening, family! It's five thirty and I'm home from my job.
5:30 I feel like there was something I was supposed to do.
[phone ringing.]
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! A land line! Oh! Oh! Answer it! Answer it! Answer it! I'm recording! Hello? Um, suburban residence here.
[ringing.]
Hello? [long beep.]
- He's flat lining! - Yaaawn.
Boring.
If we wanted to watch a stranger die in front of us we would have stayed in the city.
Come on, lets go find a coffee shop and talk loudly about the novels we're all writing.
Wait! Where are you going? I'll drive you.
You can all smoke I mean fit in my car.
Dick, Apple, listen to Marty, he's in charge.
Um [long beep.]
Um, clear? [gasps.]
I need help! Oh! You did great, kiddo.
Thanks to Littlemisterdoctor.
com Marty is alive and now he has a cow's heart.
In India he would be revered or hated.
We'll probably never know.
I haven't slept since he arrived.
Taking care of a sick person seems a lot harder than a hamster.
Uh-huh.
Only if the hamster's not a wizard and a lot of them are.
Hey! Why don't you have a nap and I'll keep an eye on the old guy.
[chuckles.]
Thanks Greg! Oh, hey, uh stranger.
.
in my rented house.
Oh, [chuckles.]
Rudi.
Don't tell me you hired a suburbanite stripper! [chuckles.]
Ew Dick needed a little help with Marty.
Selfie! Where did you get that outfit? It's so here! They're spillers.
100% stain resistant and you never have to iron them.
And see, it doesn't wrinkle either! [all laughing.]
Guys, check out this vine I made of suburban Greg.
[laughter.]
- Super.
- Shanza, my inner spirit child tells me that was an 'at' laugh not a 'with' laugh.
[chuckles.]
It's already got 100 ironic likes! Hurtful words indeed.
Yes, shanza, mockery is the shawl that covers the shoulders of insecurity.
Rudi! Hey, Sarah.
Sorry.
Busy.
You forgot to pick me up from the cleaning supply store.
Yeah.
Some old friends came to visit and I lost track of time.
Sorry about the ride.
The whole not smoking thing has me a bit frazzled and really tired.
Mommy, sit down.
We need to talk about obstructive pulmonary disease.
[angry forced breath.]
[laughter in distance.]
[gasps.]
No! No no no no! You're serious? This is seriously an original foreman grill? - For serious? - Well, is there any other kind? Hi-larious.
Totes vintage.
What have you told them? We've been enjoying suburban Sarah's "garage sale".
Oh! You're the city folk! I thought you were community theatre actors! Have a mini welcome cake.
A little taste of the neighbourhood.
- The best! - It's a little early for so much sugar, but sometimes we get a little whack-a-doodle here in the 'burbs.
[chuckles.]
Okay, guys.
Better get back to the house and have some smokes, I mean breakfast.
But we just got here and everything is so hilariously tacky.
Tacky? No, look.
The tree lights actually work! - I have to own that! - I don't know what's greater: the fact someone thought it was a good idea to make it, or the fact someone thought it was a good idea to buy it.
[laughter.]
Well, it's not for sale anymore.
Suburban mom.
Hashtag, sad face.
And it's too bad because all of the proceeds of this sale are going to health week.
Health week? What's that? Seriously?! We're on the clean up committee that you keep forgetting about! We're the Health Hawks.
Squawk-caw! I don't know if that's the right sound for a hawk.
Look, they're leaving soon.
Just let them laugh at your stuff while I pretend I don't know you.
Oh, it's a good laugh they want.
How's this: Rudi Wilson does live in that house with her kids and i can prove it! A photo album! Just like the pioneers.
This is Rudi at Dick's soccer game at the school bake sale ooh, and at last week's head lice day.
[all.]
Ewwww! She's lying.
I don't even have kids.
We've met them.
The weird girl in the mask.
The little boy with the corpse thing.
They're right there.
[heavy breath.]
Give it up, Rudi.
You're one of them now.
Once you get sucked in, you can never come back.
Enjoy your new life if you can even call it a life! [spits.]
I've got a life.
I'm just taking a break from it until it gets fixed.
I'm not one of these people.
Wow! Thanks for the lie-rony tour, Rudi.
Come on, gang.
Let's flag a cab.
Out here? Good luck with that.
I thought we were friends, Rudi.
We are.
I was just using them for their second-hand smoke.
Mommy! Great.
Thanks a lot, Sarah! Hey kid.
You want me to microwave you some breakfast popcorn? No.
I've got to learn to do this on my own so I'm ready for the not-too-far-away day when you die from smoking.
I knew it would come to this.
I went on the computer and ordered you a louboutin coffin.
Size 6.
Oh, my god! You think I'm a 6!? Why is smoking so bad now? In Indonesia it's still healthy.
[sniffing.]
I smell smoke! Whatever, Mommy.
I guess its not important! Oh, come on.
It's not that burnt! [sighs.]
Oh, Dick.
You can't return the class Marty before your time is up.
But I won't get my doctor's diploma from the internet until next week.
I'm practising without a license! Oh, come on.
How hard can it be? He's just lying there, happily awaiting tales of your day, what your dreams are ah, like the perfect husband.
- Is he single? - I don't understand what that means.
Bingo for Belfonte! [chuckles.]
Tell you what, you keep him alive until the assembly and I'll take over from there.
Bye for now, handsome! What would you like, Rudi? I thought it would be the right thing to do - to let you know I forgive you.
- But I didn't do anything.
You sold me out and ruined my second-hand smoking party.
- So to make it up to me, you can - I'm busy.
And for the record, I am proud of being a suburban mom! Oh, and not that I'd expect you to remember, but it's the health week assembly tonight.
Squawk-caw! Oh yeah!? Well, what's about to happen to my lungs is on you! Good for you.
Ah! You can talk? Why the hell haven't you said anything until now? Thought it would be cooler to wait for my tracheotomy voice so I could sound like a robot.
[wheeze.]
Skirts dig 'bots.
I'd have it now, too, if those lousy doctors hadn't taken [wheeze.]
all my smokes.
Ah! Maybe later.
No! [wheeze.]
You've gotta fight the fight.
Stick it to the man, make your own rules.
Don't let science boss you around.
[wheeze.]
I thought you were one of us.
I don't want to be one of you! Why the hell not? [wheeze.]
Here let me light that for ya.
[gasps.]
[long beep.]
Dick, let's get your homework handed in before he bleeds out on my floor! And the scary liquid has been provided by Greg.
I believe it was Gandhi who once said, "sure, I'll put that in my mouth".
[vomiting sounds.]
Gorgeous.
Next up is Dick Wilson with a speech about his experience with the class Marty.
Dick? We're running out of time.
I'm going to go tell miss Belfonte I'm here.
Keep pushing Mom, please.
Ewww, gross.
Don't leave me with it.
What if someone sees me? - Don't die until my kid returns you.
- Smoke it.
Inhale the sweet, life-giving vapors.
Hmmm.
Well, one every now and again can't hurt that much.
The experience has been so rewarding by which I mean it was rewarding.
So rewarding in fact that I felt rewarded? Excuse me for a minute.
Apple, Mom's outside with Marty.
You need to help her get him in here before he dies.
Please! And taking care of the class Rudi will be Apple for this week and forever.
Sorry Marty, I love my smokes but not as much as I hate the thought of ending up like cancer hamster.
- You did it, Mommy! - Yes, I did.
Now let's wheel Dick's homework into the school before it dies.
And that's why vascular surgery is a lot harder than it looks.
Thank-you.
[applause.]
[wheeze.]
It'll be worth it [explosion.]
[gasps.]
Ohh!!! Marty!!! [crying.]
Oh.
He was a saint! Twenty-eight is too young to die.
Twenty-eight!? He made some bad life choices, but still, bit of a looker.
The medics said Marty was technically dead before the oxygen ignited and since he was on school grounds they're going to handle the burial.
- And I passed! - Then everything turned out great.
I'm glad you didn't smoke that cigarette, Mommy.
Oh, I'm not as glad as you, honey.
All right, Greg's going to take you guys home when he's done being sick.
I've got something I have to do.
About the whole leaving you at the store, making fun of you behind your back also in front of your back, and blaming you for a bunch of stuff that might have been my fault I'm sorry.
Squawk-caw! - I like your hawk sound.
- Thanks, but let's not do that anymore.
Oh, wait I forgot! Oh, lord.
[ring bells.]
- I'm looking for Dick Wilson.
- That's me! I'm Marty Krenshaw's lawyer.
In the days before his death he changed his will and left you something very special to him.
Please tell me gold bars were special to him.
He left you his hamster, Mr.
Big.
Awesome! I can take care of a hamster! He's very sick.
He made a lot of bad hamster choices.
[hacking cough.]
Oh!
She was a high-class queen of the music biz Covered in bling, 'bout to make it big A couple of kids, a dream deferred Goodbye big city, hello to the 'burbs Hello to the 'burbs Things are gettin' rough And life is gettin' tough These kids are drivin' me crazy I got to Mother Up! 1x11 - "Invasion of the Hipsters" You sure you don't want a drink? Brought one.
Fermented cabbage, amazon river clay, oil squeezed from the head of a Norwegian trout, a touch of someone named Jasmine ah, heaven in a glass.
[choking.]
You sure those are good for you? No.
Yeagh! What did I tell you about playing in the dumpster behind the hospital? - Nothing.
- Oh.
Well, don't.
And get rid of that disgusting whatever it is.
It's a plastic model of your lungs.
They're black and yucky because you smoke cigarettes and treat your body like a fireplace.
Miss Belfonte let me borrow them to shame you into quitting.
- Shame! - Shame? [chuckles.]
You're children.
You don't have enough life experience to shame me.
But science does! It can judge us all! That's why we have health week to teach us the benefits of healthy living.
And there's an assembly at the end of health week.
And they need voluntee-eers! Thank god.
I was going through assembly withdrawal because I haven't been to one in days.
Oh, it's my favourite one of the year and it gets better: I signed us up to be one of the helper teams for health week.
Now all we have to do is think of a team name.
Ooh! I know, we can print team shirts.
[gasps.]
Can we print "I wish I was dead" on the back of mine? Dick, what have I told you about stealing old people for fun? "Never use your own car" and "always return them to the home when you're done".
Really? We had that talk? Well, put it back where you found it.
"It's" name is Marty.
He's our class project and I get to take care of him for health week! I thought you were supposed to get a hamster so you could learn how to neglect a pet.
Not anymore.
The damn hamster lobby strong-armed the government and got that banned so they just use humans now.
Does anyone know how to empty a colostomy bag? It doesn't sound like the kind of thing I want to do wrong.
No.
And figure it out somewhere where there's a hose.
Like the driveway.
Better yet, Greg's driveway.
A project! Let's go! I don't want this man to happen to you, Mommy! Sarah, if mommy dies can Dick and I live with you? [crying.]
Oh, I'm not going to die.
That only happens to people who are weak.
"Classic smoker's behaviour also includes rationalizing your addiction.
" I can quit anytime I want.
Oh, you're going to quit? That is fantastic! I said anytime I want.
Look, smoking has always been there for me, good times and bad.
You can't trust people like that.
But I guess for you kids, I'll quit.
Happy? The happiest! Oh, good for you, Rudi.
You're not going to regret it.
Regret what? [gasps.]
- Oh, right.
- Yay! See you at the volunteer assembly to pick jobs for the health assembly.
The human body can do disgusting things.
You're not listening, Dick.
Mommy said she's quitting cigarettes! Really? I wish Marty never started smoking.
Or drinking.
Or "riding the horse" whatever that means.
At least I've seen the worst.
Okay, Marty.
I'm gonna take five.
Oh no!! Hey, what are you doing now? Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Have you told me yet? Why haven't you told me!? Still making dinner.
Remember, you called a minute ago and a minute before that and then again right now? Minutes? Really? It feels like weeks.
They say the worst of the cravings will be gone after three days.
Well, that settles it.
I'm just going to bed.
For three days.
What exactly is going on here?! I thought you said we were done.
All relationships have their ups and downs, but we're good for each other.
We're meant to be together.
You had your chance.
Now he's quittin' you, see? Get back here! I gave you my heart and my lungs! [clock beeps.]
Good smoke, kids.
I mean have a cigarette day.
Ugh.
Sorry I'm tobacco.
Late.
I waited as long as I could but team Health Hawks got the worst job cleaning up after the assembly.
I also picked a team name.
We're the Health Hawks.
If you got there early why didn't you volunteer us for something good? Now I know you don't mean to be a snippy-snoodle.
You're just stressed from quitting smoking.
- Ya think? - I'll get the cleaning supplies, but can you pick me up from janitor heaven later? Fergus filled the gas tank with corn cobs.
- It's an alternate fuel source.
- Okay see you at janitor heaven! - Oh - Mommy, look! I made a pamphlet.
It says "if Mommy can do it, so can you!" Smoke.
Smoke.
Smoke.
Smoke.
[inhaling deeply.]
Mommy, what are you doing!? Nothing.
Giving you a kiss like a good mom.
Now why don't you go play with your brother and his dead friend.
You can help me roll him.
One of his bed sores looks like a cat.
It's less fun than it sounds.
Oh ho ho, there's our little quitter! - Just remember - Get out! Get out! Get out! [cellphone rings.]
Hi Rudi.
It's Sarah.
I was just there and you seemed really frazzled.
I can't take it! I miss the comforting sound of my lighter, the first glorious inhale, the sweet smell of smoke! I can help! There's an ancient practise that uses a tube to suck the cravings out.
It's been debunked by science but I bet they were just doing it wrong.
Maybe you should start a hobby to keep your mind off smoking.
Let me put this in your ear.
Or you could just go for a power walk and tell those toxins they should be the ones walkin'.
Make them ride the sweat boat right out of Rudi-town! [laughs.]
And then we'll deal with your ears.
You know, maybe I will go for a walk.
To get nicotine patches! O.
M.
Jessica Lange! It's a real live power walker! - Rudi?! - No! No Rudies here.
Go away.
- It's Tiberius.
- And Colby! - And Zarathustra! - And Donatella! We did all of your record company's social media back in New York! We partied at your penthouse for a week, remember? Oh, hey.
Hi guys.
Great to see you.
Been too long.
Wow, look at the time.
Bye! [chuckles.]
Hilarious as always, Rudi.
Don't you want to know why we're here? - "Irony tour of the suburbs!" - Me too! Your outfit is skyballs.
I am totes instagramming.
[all laughing.]
I miss you Rudi, we used to rock the best times.
We sure did.
Hey, why don't you guys come back to the, uh, "suburban cottage" I rented.
Why just do a day tour when you can spend your vacation living the full suburban experience? You always did take it one step further than everyone, Rudi.
That's me, cutting edge.
[deep breath.]
Ah! I missed you so, so much.
Don't ever leave me again.
[chorus plate playing.]
I only wish I could find even older music that no one really wants to listen to.
What's that? A printing press! It's the only pure way to write.
This day is gonna make the front page of my 'zine.
Wouldn't a computer be easier? Are you poor? - No! I'm interesting.
- Look everyone! I live in the suburbs with a sick older relative! Mmm.
Super presh! Can I quote you? Be careful! I have to return him in the same condition I got him in.
Guys, guys! Look at me! Look at me! I'm "dusting".
Oo-doodle-li-doo You think that's suburban? Have you ever used one of these? Or done this? Hey! I'm a housewife and laundry gives me meaning and purpose.
[chuckles.]
[muffled.]
Mommy, you said you weren't going to smoke anymore.
And I haven't.
These lips have not touched a single cigarette.
Good evening, family! It's five thirty and I'm home from my job.
5:30 I feel like there was something I was supposed to do.
[phone ringing.]
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! A land line! Oh! Oh! Answer it! Answer it! Answer it! I'm recording! Hello? Um, suburban residence here.
[ringing.]
Hello? [long beep.]
- He's flat lining! - Yaaawn.
Boring.
If we wanted to watch a stranger die in front of us we would have stayed in the city.
Come on, lets go find a coffee shop and talk loudly about the novels we're all writing.
Wait! Where are you going? I'll drive you.
You can all smoke I mean fit in my car.
Dick, Apple, listen to Marty, he's in charge.
Um [long beep.]
Um, clear? [gasps.]
I need help! Oh! You did great, kiddo.
Thanks to Littlemisterdoctor.
com Marty is alive and now he has a cow's heart.
In India he would be revered or hated.
We'll probably never know.
I haven't slept since he arrived.
Taking care of a sick person seems a lot harder than a hamster.
Uh-huh.
Only if the hamster's not a wizard and a lot of them are.
Hey! Why don't you have a nap and I'll keep an eye on the old guy.
[chuckles.]
Thanks Greg! Oh, hey, uh stranger.
.
in my rented house.
Oh, [chuckles.]
Rudi.
Don't tell me you hired a suburbanite stripper! [chuckles.]
Ew Dick needed a little help with Marty.
Selfie! Where did you get that outfit? It's so here! They're spillers.
100% stain resistant and you never have to iron them.
And see, it doesn't wrinkle either! [all laughing.]
Guys, check out this vine I made of suburban Greg.
[laughter.]
- Super.
- Shanza, my inner spirit child tells me that was an 'at' laugh not a 'with' laugh.
[chuckles.]
It's already got 100 ironic likes! Hurtful words indeed.
Yes, shanza, mockery is the shawl that covers the shoulders of insecurity.
Rudi! Hey, Sarah.
Sorry.
Busy.
You forgot to pick me up from the cleaning supply store.
Yeah.
Some old friends came to visit and I lost track of time.
Sorry about the ride.
The whole not smoking thing has me a bit frazzled and really tired.
Mommy, sit down.
We need to talk about obstructive pulmonary disease.
[angry forced breath.]
[laughter in distance.]
[gasps.]
No! No no no no! You're serious? This is seriously an original foreman grill? - For serious? - Well, is there any other kind? Hi-larious.
Totes vintage.
What have you told them? We've been enjoying suburban Sarah's "garage sale".
Oh! You're the city folk! I thought you were community theatre actors! Have a mini welcome cake.
A little taste of the neighbourhood.
- The best! - It's a little early for so much sugar, but sometimes we get a little whack-a-doodle here in the 'burbs.
[chuckles.]
Okay, guys.
Better get back to the house and have some smokes, I mean breakfast.
But we just got here and everything is so hilariously tacky.
Tacky? No, look.
The tree lights actually work! - I have to own that! - I don't know what's greater: the fact someone thought it was a good idea to make it, or the fact someone thought it was a good idea to buy it.
[laughter.]
Well, it's not for sale anymore.
Suburban mom.
Hashtag, sad face.
And it's too bad because all of the proceeds of this sale are going to health week.
Health week? What's that? Seriously?! We're on the clean up committee that you keep forgetting about! We're the Health Hawks.
Squawk-caw! I don't know if that's the right sound for a hawk.
Look, they're leaving soon.
Just let them laugh at your stuff while I pretend I don't know you.
Oh, it's a good laugh they want.
How's this: Rudi Wilson does live in that house with her kids and i can prove it! A photo album! Just like the pioneers.
This is Rudi at Dick's soccer game at the school bake sale ooh, and at last week's head lice day.
[all.]
Ewwww! She's lying.
I don't even have kids.
We've met them.
The weird girl in the mask.
The little boy with the corpse thing.
They're right there.
[heavy breath.]
Give it up, Rudi.
You're one of them now.
Once you get sucked in, you can never come back.
Enjoy your new life if you can even call it a life! [spits.]
I've got a life.
I'm just taking a break from it until it gets fixed.
I'm not one of these people.
Wow! Thanks for the lie-rony tour, Rudi.
Come on, gang.
Let's flag a cab.
Out here? Good luck with that.
I thought we were friends, Rudi.
We are.
I was just using them for their second-hand smoke.
Mommy! Great.
Thanks a lot, Sarah! Hey kid.
You want me to microwave you some breakfast popcorn? No.
I've got to learn to do this on my own so I'm ready for the not-too-far-away day when you die from smoking.
I knew it would come to this.
I went on the computer and ordered you a louboutin coffin.
Size 6.
Oh, my god! You think I'm a 6!? Why is smoking so bad now? In Indonesia it's still healthy.
[sniffing.]
I smell smoke! Whatever, Mommy.
I guess its not important! Oh, come on.
It's not that burnt! [sighs.]
Oh, Dick.
You can't return the class Marty before your time is up.
But I won't get my doctor's diploma from the internet until next week.
I'm practising without a license! Oh, come on.
How hard can it be? He's just lying there, happily awaiting tales of your day, what your dreams are ah, like the perfect husband.
- Is he single? - I don't understand what that means.
Bingo for Belfonte! [chuckles.]
Tell you what, you keep him alive until the assembly and I'll take over from there.
Bye for now, handsome! What would you like, Rudi? I thought it would be the right thing to do - to let you know I forgive you.
- But I didn't do anything.
You sold me out and ruined my second-hand smoking party.
- So to make it up to me, you can - I'm busy.
And for the record, I am proud of being a suburban mom! Oh, and not that I'd expect you to remember, but it's the health week assembly tonight.
Squawk-caw! Oh yeah!? Well, what's about to happen to my lungs is on you! Good for you.
Ah! You can talk? Why the hell haven't you said anything until now? Thought it would be cooler to wait for my tracheotomy voice so I could sound like a robot.
[wheeze.]
Skirts dig 'bots.
I'd have it now, too, if those lousy doctors hadn't taken [wheeze.]
all my smokes.
Ah! Maybe later.
No! [wheeze.]
You've gotta fight the fight.
Stick it to the man, make your own rules.
Don't let science boss you around.
[wheeze.]
I thought you were one of us.
I don't want to be one of you! Why the hell not? [wheeze.]
Here let me light that for ya.
[gasps.]
[long beep.]
Dick, let's get your homework handed in before he bleeds out on my floor! And the scary liquid has been provided by Greg.
I believe it was Gandhi who once said, "sure, I'll put that in my mouth".
[vomiting sounds.]
Gorgeous.
Next up is Dick Wilson with a speech about his experience with the class Marty.
Dick? We're running out of time.
I'm going to go tell miss Belfonte I'm here.
Keep pushing Mom, please.
Ewww, gross.
Don't leave me with it.
What if someone sees me? - Don't die until my kid returns you.
- Smoke it.
Inhale the sweet, life-giving vapors.
Hmmm.
Well, one every now and again can't hurt that much.
The experience has been so rewarding by which I mean it was rewarding.
So rewarding in fact that I felt rewarded? Excuse me for a minute.
Apple, Mom's outside with Marty.
You need to help her get him in here before he dies.
Please! And taking care of the class Rudi will be Apple for this week and forever.
Sorry Marty, I love my smokes but not as much as I hate the thought of ending up like cancer hamster.
- You did it, Mommy! - Yes, I did.
Now let's wheel Dick's homework into the school before it dies.
And that's why vascular surgery is a lot harder than it looks.
Thank-you.
[applause.]
[wheeze.]
It'll be worth it [explosion.]
[gasps.]
Ohh!!! Marty!!! [crying.]
Oh.
He was a saint! Twenty-eight is too young to die.
Twenty-eight!? He made some bad life choices, but still, bit of a looker.
The medics said Marty was technically dead before the oxygen ignited and since he was on school grounds they're going to handle the burial.
- And I passed! - Then everything turned out great.
I'm glad you didn't smoke that cigarette, Mommy.
Oh, I'm not as glad as you, honey.
All right, Greg's going to take you guys home when he's done being sick.
I've got something I have to do.
About the whole leaving you at the store, making fun of you behind your back also in front of your back, and blaming you for a bunch of stuff that might have been my fault I'm sorry.
Squawk-caw! - I like your hawk sound.
- Thanks, but let's not do that anymore.
Oh, wait I forgot! Oh, lord.
[ring bells.]
- I'm looking for Dick Wilson.
- That's me! I'm Marty Krenshaw's lawyer.
In the days before his death he changed his will and left you something very special to him.
Please tell me gold bars were special to him.
He left you his hamster, Mr.
Big.
Awesome! I can take care of a hamster! He's very sick.
He made a lot of bad hamster choices.
[hacking cough.]
Oh!