Mulaney (2014) s01e11 Episode Script

I get pushed around a lot.
You know, some people give off a vibe of, "do not mess with me.
" I kind of give off a vibe of, "hey, you could pour soup in my lap, and I'll apologize to you.
" I get pushed around a lot when I'm traveling.
Like, I'll book a flight on some garbage airline let's call it, I don't know, "Belta" airlines and I'll show up for my flight on "Belta" airlines, and I'll say, "can I get on the airplane, please?" And they go, "no, the flight is delayed nine hours.
" And I go, "okay!" And I go to the bathroom, and then I come back from the bathroom, and I go, "any updates on the plane?" And they go, "yeah, "we took off while you were in the bathroom, "because we hate you.
Here, take this meal voucher that doesn't work.
" So I take it over to the apple-wrapped-in-cellophane snack place, and I go, "can I have food with this, please?" And they go, "no!" And I go, "okay!" And then they go, "you're a little fat girl, aren't you?" And I go, "no-o-o-o.
" And they go, "say it!" And I go, "I'm a little fat girl.
" And then I go back to the "Belta" help desk, which is an oxymoron, and I say, "can I please go home on the airplane now?" And they say, "no.
In fact, "we're gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for 30 years.
" And I say, "why are you doing this to me?" And they say, "because we're 'Belta' airlines and life is a nightmare!" Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay? Okay, roommate meeting, as always, the theme is roommate respect.
We respect you.
You guys haven't paid rent in two months.
I am out of checks.
I don't know how to get more and I refuse to look into it.
I can pay you rent, Mulaney.
Can it be cash or Motif merchandise? It's gotta be Motif merchandise.
I'll wait for cash.
I'm all set on double-XL t-shirts and thongs that say, "Motif, mo' problems.
" Next item.
Motif, you have a lot of girls over to the apartment and you spend a lot of time with them in the shower.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, I am late for work every day because you're having sex in our shower, which brings me to my next item.
I am wearing suit pants with flip flops.
And do you know why? You a bad dresser.
You're a Nigerian immigrant.
No, because Motif's girls keep going home wearing my jeans.
I can't help that I like women with your body type.
Yeah, it's your feminine hips.
Look, no, Mulaney, it's a good thing.
Otherwise, we'd never have met.
First time I saw you, you were bent over a mini-fridge, and I was like, "damn, I gotta marry that woman.
" By the time you turned around, I had already said, "hey.
" Next item.
This very large cardboard box from the grill we bought two summers ago.
Someone has to break it down - Ugh! - Tie it into flats Boo! And leave it on the curb.
- No.
- Yes.
And it's not gonna be me because I put the grill together.
Look, I tried to get rid of the box.
I left the door open so someone would steal it.
Yeah, and they stole the grill.
Say what you say about them burglars, at least they cleaned the tub.
That was me.
That was my Saturday.
Okay, so to sum it up, John agrees to clean the grill.
Now, I have actual roommate business.
I'm not going to complain about being single anymore, because I have found a solution.
What if we just heard a gunshot right now? Gentlemen, I got a cat.
Aw, that's cool.
I'm allergic to cats.
That's how I got the idea.
So, Jane, what are you, a sad cat lady? No! I didn't get a cat to replace men.
I got a cat instead of a man.
See the difference? I waste all this energy dealing with guys so that I don't have to sleep alone.
Well, meet Omar.
Hi.
Hello, Omar.
Now I always have someone to sleep with.
Oh, roommate meeting? Motif, tell them we're out of body wash.
Write that down.
You ain't got to write that down.
You're ain't gonna never see her again.
Hey, Lou! Oh, this is that Dateline I wanted to see on Mark Allen Dade, the Florida party boy murderer.
Can you believe Scorsese is making a movie about him? It's disgusting.
Oh, 'cause it exploits the victims? No, because he won't offer me the lead.
It's a dark psycho-sexual drama with full frontal nudity organic to the plot.
It's perfect for me.
Lou, you're a comedian.
Why do you want to play a serial killer? Because comedians have to do dramatic turns to be taken seriously.
Do you realize that I have never been nominated for an Oscar for Celebrity You Guessed It? And do you know why? Is it because it's a syndicated game show that's on at odd hours? Because no one appreciates my range.
They just think of me as, ooh, this nice, goofy, tall, jacked game show host.
Well, I'm sorry he doesn't want you for the part.
No, no, no, I'm gonna make him want me for the part, through a series of show business power moves.
- Power moves? - Yes.
Where you command other people's respect through mind games and intimidation.
You know, when I first came to Hollywood, I had two minutes of material one minute original but I had hundreds of power games.
Oh, can you really command people's respect that way? 'Cause my roommates are walking all over me.
Jane even got this cat.
"This cat"? Like a jazz guy? No, no, like a cat cat.
I think I need to learn some power moves.
What are they? Is it like having a firm handshake and looking people in the eye? That's good, if you want to be a vacuum cleaner salesman in 1951.
John, powerful people have very weak handshakes and they stare at the ground.
That shows the other person that you don't need their approval.
- Hmm.
- And also, try answering a question with a question.
Oh, my improv team used to do that.
And never mention your improv team.
That's an important one.
Here's a good starter move: Try to look ridiculous.
Wear a pork pie hat.
You know, people will say, "oh, he must be powerful, or someone would've called him on it.
" Oh, I get it, like how you still wear a livestrong bracelet.
What? No, I wear that because my style is "California cool.
" Having a cat is so much better than being in a relationship.
And you don't have to sleep alone anymore.
Well, we haven't slept together yet.
We're kind of taking it slow.
I mean, I'm ready, but Omar doesn't just suddenly jump into bed with anyone.
Look who just suddenly jumped into bed with me.
Her? Omar? What, do you like her? You know those are fake.
Hey, guys! Hey, Mulaney! Hey, Andre.
I got a cat.
I'm done with men.
Whoa, you're done with men, so you blow right past dogs and Andres and go to cats? What do I have to do to win you, Jane, huh? Chase birds and eat tuna? 'Cause I do that.
Oh! Hey, Mulaney, look.
I know you said you don't like it when my girls take the shower and then steal your jeans.
Just to give you a heads-up, that's exactly what's going on right now.
You're not mad, though, right? I don't know.
Am I? It's a pork pie hat.
I used to love you.
Now I fear you.
Ahh.
What's the matter, Motif? Do you have a mo' problem? No.
Never mind what I was saying.
Hey, I'm gonna get your jeans back.
And tomorrow, I'm gonna take that box down.
Baby, give him his jeans.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, I'm John.
Mmm.
Your hand is limp.
That's not all that's You should have seen it.
Your power moves worked, and Motif paid me the rent he owes me, $900.
Never say "$900" with excitement in this restaurant again! Hi, how are you doing? Good to see you.
This is a power restaurant.
So Motif gave you the rent.
Where are we on the box? Well, it's still leaning up against the wall, but Motif promises to move it, and I'll remind him.
Well, you shouldn't have to ask for what you want.
You have to command respect.
Have you tried name dropping? My friend Jeremy Piven drops my name all the time.
And don't let people walk all over you.
That's good advice, 'cause I think that Shh! Shut your possum mouth.
Scorsese's here.
Martin Scorsese is here? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why do you think we're in this restaurant? Okay, I've been working on my serial killer method acting.
Is that why I caught you smearing lipstick on your face? Sure.
Now, I need your help.
I need to yell at you in front of him, to get his attention.
I want him to drop this goofy guy image of me, and think of me as someone with a real temper.
Okay? Oh, sure, do what you gotta do.
- I'm here to help.
- Yeah, all right.
What? What is it you said, bro? Okay, that offends me! I don't care how drunk you were.
That girl is 13 years old! Do you know what they do with big-hipped guys like you in prison? They jazz ya! Well, you know what? I have a temper, and I cannot stay in a room with you! Capisce? Mulaney, I replaced your jeans.
Boot cut, pear shape.
Yeah, I'm sorry, some guy is talking.
I'll call you back, Leonardo Dicaprio.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were busy.
You know what? I'm gonna take this box down.
You know, I know you got things to do, huh? Omar, where are you? You were being weird earlier, and I want to have a long talk about it.
Oh, hello.
Hey, Oscar, what can I do for you? Do you know how to get a turquoise ring out of the VCR? No.
Then nothing.
Oh, Oscar? Have you seen my cat? I think he's been avoiding me.
I can't even get him to sleep with me.
Well, I've seduced many cats in my day.
You just wait outside the jazz club, compliment his goatee, and offer to clean his bongos.
Oh, you know I'm talking about a house cat, right? I see.
Well, I think I still can help.
Okay, well, I don't get what the problem is.
I mean, I love my cat like crazy, I'm obsessed with him, but he keeps running away.
Oh, Jane, cats smell neediness.
It's a major turnoff.
They're not like dogs.
Dogs are like actors.
Give them half a smile and their face will be in your crotch.
Wait, are you talking about dogs or actors? I'm talking about one specific actor.
Yo, you know if it's littering if you throw a box off a roof? What y'all talking about? I was just telling Jane to treat this cat like a man.
Be cold and withholding.
Mess with his coconut.
One time, I passed John Coltrane and I pretended not to know his name.
Wow.
I would never let anyone treat me that way.
Oh, see ya, Jane.
Hi, Oscar.
Uh, what was your name again? - It's Motif.
- Oh, pleasure to meet you.
Hey! He's messing with my coconut! So, you really want to power move Mulaney back, but you need some ammo.
Yeah, I just wish he had an achilles' heel.
Mulaney? He is all heel.
He has an achilles' body.
What's this? This is a dossier of embarrassing things about Mulaney I've been collecting over the years.
Oh! Try to get him into a tank top.
Why? Do his arms look good? Good one.
Let's see.
He's terrible at sports.
Okay, this is a photo of his eighth grade basketball team.
Why is he dressed like that? He went to Our Lady of the Blessed Virgin and he was the mascot The blessed virgin.
Oh, he's catholic.
That's perfect for mind games.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay, keep hugging me.
Keep hugging me.
Is Omar watching us? Is he jealous? It's hard to tell.
Licking himself pretty hard.
- I'm jealous of him.
- Oh.
Lucky for me, they rerun this Dateline every half hour.
See, that is Mark Allen Dade.
He was a Florida party boy who stabbed 17 men to death and they all were blond rollerbladers.
Imagine having a type and then finding, like, Florida is an amazing place.
Hi, boys.
Oh, hey, Omar.
I didn't even notice you there.
Good kitty.
Good kitty.
Yes, I am a good kitty.
Oh! Motif, you're home.
Who cares? Well, I was at church.
You know, my parents would be disappointed if I didn't visit the lord.
Here.
Catch.
Hey, John, what does "B" stand for? "B" stands for "blessed," and "V" stands for "virgin.
" Blessed virgin.
I'm a virgin.
Go, boys! - You! - Yeah.
- Whoa! - Yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, it is on.
Omar? I've been studying serial killers.
Getting really deep into the role.
Tonight, on the show, I'm gonna showcase my range.
Ahh.
How do you know Scorsese's gonna be watching? - Did you power move him? - Well, sort of.
My agent phoned him up and begged him to tune in.
It's Jedi-style stuff, you know.
Why are you dressed that way? Oh, I didn't tell you.
Motif donated all my clothes to a church.
Now, I feel a little too guilty to get them back, but I got even.
I switched his joke notebook with an Israeli passport.
He still killed.
"Uch" is a funny sound.
John, here's the point that you do have to be careful with power moves.
It's very dangerous when you turn them on your friends.
So do you think I went too far? Yes! Even Mark Allen Dade was kind to his roommates.
You've become a monster.
I'm not a monster.
I just oh, my God.
I am a monster.
Yes, now now, go back and patch things up with your friend.
Right now It's time for me to explore the underbelly of the evils of the game show world.
Let's meet our contestants, shall we? Why, hello.
Brenda, is it? I bet you're daddy's favorite little girl.
Have you ever gone rollerblading in Florida, Brenda? You have to be careful when you go rollerblading or a knee could get skinned.
Do you know what you have to put on your knees to protect yourself when you go Rollerblading? Kneepads.
You guessed it! Do you know what you have to put on your knees when you go rollerblading? That dude has range.
It goes on like this for another 20 minutes.
He got the part though, right? No.
In fact, he almost lost the game show.
Hey, Mulaney, I'm happy we're not doing power moves anymore.
I can't believe we fought all week over nothing.
I don't want to do power moves either.
I'm just gonna push all my anger way deep down.
That's the catholic thing to do.
- At least we have Jane to keep us grounded, right? - Yeah.
Gentlemen, it happened.
Omar and I finally slept together last night.
It started slow, but before I knew it, we were a tangle of limbs and tails.
The only clue to where one body ended and the other began was the fur.
May I ask a question at this point? Did you and Omar No! John, it transcended sex, okay? We cuddled all night long.
I have never felt more alive, more confident.
I have never felt more in control.
Oh, I'm coming, Omar.
Well, everything's back to normal.
And you know what? I'm gonna take that box out of my room.
I'm gonna cut it up, and I'm gonna leave it on the curb.
It'll be a good way to get out some of this built-up aggression.
Disturbing news tonight.
A possible Mark Allen Dade copycat killer was seen wielding a knife in a hell's kitchen alleyway.
We've obtained this cell phone footage.
The copycat was seen doing Dade's trademark kill moves: Stabbing, stomping, and tying the body with twine.
While no murder has been reported, police are on the lookout for a suspect, approximately six-feet tall with wide, curvaceous hips, and a style described as "California cool.
" Local residents are very disturbed.
I don't like copycats.
Each jazz man should do his own thing.