Murphy Brown s01e11 Episode Script
Off the Job Experience
And that is why, Ms.
Brown, America is in serious danger of losing its standing as a world power.
Now, good Americans, real Americans, don't want that.
But the media, typified by, well, naive people like yourself simply refuse to acknowledge that it's necessary to spend money on weaponry if we're gonna survive.
This country spends $300 billion a year on defense and only $20 billion on education The security of this country is an immediate priority.
There's only one thing our enemies respect and that is not who won the spelling bee.
It is military strength.
I say it's about time we gave the world a reason to think twice before messing with the U.
S.
A.
What about the $45 billion wasted Are you trying to tell me that Soviets spend less than we do on weaponry? Wake up and smell the borscht, Ms.
Brown.
I mean, they're right on your doorstep.
Frankly, I think we ought to increase the amount we spend on defense or we're not gonna have a flag to wave much longer.
- You take the Stealth Bomber - Tell us about the $75 million If you'd let me finish a sentence, Ms.
Brown.
The Stealth Bomber is a thing of beauty.
What about those $16,000 refrigerators on Navy planes All you've done is interrupt me and put words in my mouth.
I couldn't possibly put words in your mouth.
Your foot is taking up too much room.
Listen, if you have more to say, never mind me.
The stage is yours.
What are you doing? You seem to know what's good for America.
Go ahead.
America, Colonel Fitzpatrick.
What are you doing? What are you doing? L The point that I was making Murphy, the man is drowning out there.
Talk to him! Ms.
Brown, if we could just You just never mind me, colonel.
You just go right ahead and say whatever it is you were going to say.
- The - Hey, Dan Quayle on the driving range.
And they said he wouldn't have anything to do.
- The Stealth Bomber is a remarkable - Looks like it's gonna rain.
Wouldn't you know it, I just washed my car.
- I have charts and graphs.
- Coupons! I should have brought them.
I don't care, Murphy.
Make all the arguments you want.
- It was unacceptable behavior.
- The guy was a jerk.
And will you quit scuffing the backs of my shoes.
It doesn't matter what you think of him.
You lost it on the air, Murphy.
Miles, let me explain something to you.
I have a reputation for asking the hard question.
People expect me to be tough.
But they don't expect you to announce that chicken is on sale at Food World.
It was a darn good price, Miles.
We're talking boneless.
You think this is a joke? Do you know that in the last half-hour, four upcoming guests canceled.
- Four of them.
- No guts, no glory.
They don't wanna be humiliated on air.
We do interviews here at FYI.
We don't ask our guests if they know an eight-letter word for "tundra.
" Having a powwow? Well, don't mind me.
You made a mockery of broadcast journalism.
Oh, I did not.
Jim, help me out here.
Tell him he's overreacting.
This is between you two.
No matter what you think of a guest you ask the questions in a dignified manner.
Jim, she was unprofessional, right? - Well, I - Do you believe this, Jim? He thinks it's neat that his office chair swivels and he's calling me unprofessional.
Tell him what it's like in the real world.
- Darn elevator gets slower every week.
- And On top of everything else, your stunt left the show eight minutes short.
You put your colleagues on the spot, right, Jim? Hey, look who's here.
It's Corky.
Corky's here.
- Hi, Corky.
- Hi, Jim.
Shall we go? - It's going up, Jim.
- I know.
Personally, I think you did a lot of damage to your credibility.
What I'm looking for now is a promise that this kind of thing won't happen again.
Oh, this is cute.
You're asking me, a world-renowned network news star to promise you, a man who still wears a retainer at night to change my interviewing style? Forget it.
So who's coming to Phil's? Great idea.
Come on, Miles.
Going down.
I still have something to say, Murphy.
We can talk at Phil's, split some onion rings.
- I'd rather discuss this privately.
- We'll get a booth.
Miles, I'm hungry.
If there's a point to all this, say it.
You're suspended.
Okay, so I'm suspended.
What's that supposed to mean? No more personal phone calls? I can't take a coffee break until my work is done? Or do I have to go sit in the cloakroom? It means, for the next two weeks, your assignments will be put on hold you will be relieved of all duties, you will not be allowed on the air.
- Hello, Murphy.
- Hi, Miles.
I just got a call from Kinsella's office.
I suppose you know that.
Nice move.
Not only did you call the vice president of news and set up a meeting on your turf you did it when I didn't wear a dark suit.
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry about that, Miles.
Fine.
Challenge my authority.
But I'll tell you right now, it's not gonna work.
Kinsella and I don't have your typical boss-employee relationship.
I've made a name for myself as a guy who can take the heat.
Eugene Kinsella and I are very close.
- Brownie! - Gene! - Silverberg.
- Mr.
Kinsella.
How you doing, Murphy? Seems like ages since we had a chance to catch up.
What can I say.
Your news division keeps me hopping.
- Well, everybody knows each other.
- How are my goddaughters? They wanna know when Aunt Murphy is coming over for dinner.
- Tell Lois I'll call and set a date.
- Now that small talk is over Did Debbie's soccer team make it to the playoffs? You bet.
Won the last game 2-1.
Debbie scored a goal.
- Terrific.
- I played soccer.
At Harvard.
Intramurals.
Goalie.
If you're through with your story, I think we should start.
As you know, Gene, we have a problem.
Actually, it's more of a "problemette.
" I'm sorry, Miles.
There's a chair behind that door.
Thanks.
So about this suspension thing.
I mean, I thought before we did anything rash that two old friends could sit down together and come up with an evenhanded solution.
Well, of course we can.
Have you given any thought to the ramifications of this suspension? What about possible negative publicity? Have you seen today's papers? The press is having a field day.
I can't take my star reporter off the air for two weeks.
We're in a ratings war.
You have to balance ratings against integrity.
Once you lose the respect, you don't get it back.
We must protect our stature.
Otherwise, we look foolish.
May I stand? Mr.
Kinsella, I know this was a tough call.
But you told me I'd have to make tough calls when you hired me six months ago.
Gene, when you hired me, when Miles was 9 this wouldn't have been an issue.
Mr.
Kinsella, you hired me to do a job here at FYI.
You promised me support and told me to run with the ball.
But I can't do this if you second-guess me or if I have to ask permission before I move.
What I'm saying is, I'm willing to take the heat for this decision but I have to take a stand, and I hope you'll back me.
- Okay.
- What? I just call them the way I see them.
By the way, Murphy, the girls loved the birthday dresses you sent.
Oh, Murph.
The next couple of weeks just aren't gonna be the same without you.
Seeing your empty parking spot right next to the door reminding me that you're not here.
Maybe it'll ease the pain if I park there.
Yeah, I think it will.
You know, I thought about a lot of things in the last half-hour: Miles' office, his new car, his pants.
Those are all flammable, Frank.
But then I thought, "No, I'm better than that.
" - Not his house.
- No.
See, while I was packing my stuff, I remembered this game against the Eagles.
Third and long, Sonny Jurgensen got hammered from behind.
Everyone in that stadium knew he was hurt but he walked out of there and wouldn't show it.
Frank, if I'm being sent home I'm gonna walk out of here like Jurgensen.
You're a pro, Murph.
Just do me a favor: Call office supply.
I accidentally dropped my typewriter on the floor six times.
Chin up, slugger.
- I know you'll weather this storm.
- Thanks, Jim.
Boy, this was a tough one.
I certainly see your side of it.
But then, I see Miles' side of it too.
Yes, you went over the top.
But does it warrant this kind of punishment? Who's to say? And that, in a nutshell, is what makes the world so damn interesting.
God, I hate goodbyes.
Murph, I think that you should look at this time off as a blessing in disguise.
I didn't want to say anything before, but you have been especially tense lately.
You're probably right.
When was the last time I had two weeks to myself? - This will be good.
- Come on.
Oh, Murphy, I'm so sorry about what's happened to you.
But maybe you can look at this more positively.
I know I'd use this time to go to the gym and work off some of those extra pounds so you won't be embarrassed come swimsuit season.
Thanks for the advice.
So I guess I'm the senior woman around here.
I guess I'll just have to make it my business to see that FYI maintains its same high standards.
Don't wear that tie anymore.
Take me with you, Murph.
I'm scared.
- Look - Excuse me.
Murphy, I just wanted to say that what I did, what I had to do, was strictly a professional decision.
- I hope there'll be no hard feelings.
- You stink.
Okay, there'll be some hard feelings.
I hope we can still be friends.
As far as I'm concerned, we're two people who have to work together, and that's it.
- Lf that's what you want.
- No.
I want all your hair to fall out.
I want you to get cavities in every tooth.
I want to roll you in picnic food, and stake you to an anthill.
That's what I want.
Silverberg.
Obviously penis envy.
I've never seen anything like this.
- Eldin, I'm trying to work.
- So am I.
I need my smoothing stick, which you buried under this mess.
Look, I wasn't gonna say anything, but I can't live like this.
Your pantyhose is touching my stuff.
Could you keep it down, Eldin? I'm trying to write.
- What are you writing there, anyway? - My memoirs, Eldin, okay? I've been wanting to do it for a long time.
Frankly, it's going very well.
Listen.
"My early years were memorable ones.
A merry child, I made no judgments harbored no resentments toward those who questioned my style with finger paints.
And yet, in a way, these experiences were to mirror so many of life's cruel jokes awaiting me.
" So? If I were you, I'd spend a little less time writing and a little more time shaving those legs.
What a turnoff.
Who asked you? "I was a vibrant child.
" "A robust child.
" I'm gonna do that wall.
Forget it.
I work alone.
Eldin, it's my house.
- It's my brush.
- It's my wallpaper.
Not until I put it on your wall.
I need to wallpaper, Eldin, okay? I need to wallpaper very much.
Very, very much! I gotta get another gig.
Okay, you can wallpaper.
Great.
I'll do that.
I'll smooth the wallpaper.
Give me that smoother thing.
No.
You cannot smooth the wallpaper.
That requires technique.
You can stir paste.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Give me some token job.
Well, I don't wanna stir the paste.
I wanna smooth.
Fine.
You smooth.
And every night you can lie awake in bed looking at the little bubbles you missed driving you crazy as you try to flatten them with your thumbnail.
I'm gonna get more paste.
You do what you want.
Hi, Eldin, how's it going? Remember that last scene in The Exorcist? Hey, Murph.
Guys.
What a nice surprise.
Hello.
We're not staying long.
What are you talking about? Come on in.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Have a seat.
So, Murph how you doing? - Great.
Just fine.
I've been writing.
I've been working.
The day just isn't long enough.
But your leg hair is.
Jeez, Murph, you could comb it.
- What's going on with you? - Nothing.
I will accept that answer when you tell me why this room looks like the third day of Woodstock.
Okay.
Okay, I can't take it anymore.
I'm bored.
I floss five times a day.
I eat popcorn to make it more challenging.
Last night, I hit bottom.
Jim, I made pudding.
Don't you have a robe? Come on, guys.
I've been here three days.
I'm starting to care what happens on The Young and the Restless.
Throw me a lifeline.
Tell me about the office.
What's going on? - Nothing much.
Right, Jim? - Yes, that's right.
Nothing much.
You know, I've got this great new angle for my World Bank story.
I can't wait to get back to work on it.
Why? What happened? - Did Miles kill it? - Not exactly.
Well, what? Corky's handling it.
Corky? Corky?! How does she plan to compare deficit spending in Japan with those of the traditional powers of Western Europe? She took a Toyota for a test drive and rented Teahouse of the August Moon.
Oh, God.
Murphy, we came here to boost your spirits.
I hate to see you like this.
Just because Miles thinks he won Let's all go to the kitchen.
Wait a minute.
Miles won? Well, he didn't specifically use that word.
And I lost? - I didn't mean to stir up the situation - Wait.
I think I'm seeing signs of life here.
Yeah.
Everybody in the office thinks he won too.
They think you're taking this lying down.
Beaten.
Whipped.
I hate that.
Dead in the water.
Tail between your legs.
DOA.
R.
I.
P.
- Are you getting dressed now? - You bet I am.
What a yutz I've been.
Frank, go get my razor.
Excuse me.
Close the door! - Hiya, Phil.
- Hi there, kid.
Here's that sub sandwich you ordered.
I shoved in an extra meatball for you.
Thanks, Phil.
Murphy, how long have we known each other? A long time, Phil.
You kissed me when we landed on the moon and after John Dean testified but you never kissed me for a meatball sub.
Get back to work, Murphy.
You're losing your edge.
I might be getting back sooner than you think.
Hurry.
- Hi, guys.
- How's it going, Murph? Oh, Murphy, how wonderful it is to see you.
And you look so good.
Doesn't she look good? Tell her she looks good.
Well, I feel pretty good.
Had a nice day.
Did a little ironing, cleaned the refrigerator, snagged a major interview, bought stamps - What major interview? - Oh, nobody special.
- Murphy! - Marlon Brando.
- That's terrific! - Brando? - Brando never grants interviews.
How? - He owed me.
We attended a U.
N.
Conference together about 10 years ago.
The speeches got long so we sneaked over to his hotel room and played poker all night.
I kept winning.
He kept upping the stakes.
The next thing you know, I won his island.
What am I gonna do with an island? So I gave it back to him.
In return, he promised me a favor.
Last night, I cashed it in.
He's in town, and he's willing to do the interview this week.
Talk about your rotten timing.
- You're on suspension.
- I know.
- Close the door! - It's closed! Well, look who's here.
Hiya, Miles.
Murphy.
Just got a call from Marlon Brando's manager.
What a coincidence.
I just talked to Marlon Brando.
Seems as though he wants to do an interview with you.
And that's a shame.
You're on suspension.
Yep.
Tough break.
Boy, it's really too bad, you losing a real ratings-grabber like that.
Well, I'll just be in my office picking up some stuff in case anybody needs to find me and talk about anything.
Close the door! I hate her.
I know people say that sometimes, but I mean it.
I really mean it.
She thinks she's got me, but she doesn't.
I don't have to agree to that interview.
Son, let me give you some advice.
Sure, Phil.
I could take advice.
Especially from you.
Why don't you just pull down your pants, and sit on the griddle? It'll be a lot less painful.
Miles.
I was hoping to see you.
I was walking around outside for the last 20 minutes trying to decide what to do.
You're really something, Murphy.
I knew you'd find a way to get back at me.
But I thought it'd be more like filling my car with leaves.
I guess you haven't seen your car recently.
Jeez.
Why'd you have to do it to me, Murphy? Why'd you have to get Brando? Miles, I know you're not gonna believe this but I'm not trying to make you look bad.
- Yeah, right.
No, really.
You've got to understand something about me.
My work is just about the most important thing in my life.
Not being here practically killed me.
I missed the studio.
I missed the incessant noise the Teletype makes.
I missed my office.
Look.
Isn't that great? I know I shouldn't need this job as much as I do but the fact is you're dealing with a person who gave up drinking this year.
Who gave up smoking this year.
Every day is a struggle.
I'm not as strong you think I am.
I don't admit that to many people.
I'm admitting it to you.
You know, when I was a kid, I used to watch you on TV and think if there was one person I'd like to work with, it would be you.
And here I am.
FYI and Murphy Brown, produced by Miles Silverberg.
Pretty overwhelming stuff.
Most of the time I feel I can handle it.
But sometimes I feel like I'm still that kid.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I can do this job without your respect but it would mean a lot more to me if I had it.
I do respect you, Miles.
A little bit more today than a few days ago.
Thank you.
So if someone from the Big Girl Escort Service shows up at your house tonight it's because I thought it was a good idea at the time.
Well, I guess we can't stay around talking all day.
A decision has to be made.
We have to do what's best for the show.
I guess that's letting you back on the air.
Thank you, Miles.
But from here on, I have your full cooperation.
- You've got it.
- Good.
Well, I guess we all have work to do.
You don't suppose two people who respect each other could split some onion rings? I'll buy.
Now, get out of here.
I got footage to put together, bio material to read Oh, by the way, when the Brando interview is over you'll still have nine days on your suspension.
What? What are you talking about? Okay, eight days.
We don't count today.
Miles, we'll be right back where we started.
I don't want that.
You don't want that.
And my painter definitely doesn't want that.
There's only one fair and reasonable way to settle this.
What? Closest to the bull's-eye wins.
Best two out of three?
Brown, America is in serious danger of losing its standing as a world power.
Now, good Americans, real Americans, don't want that.
But the media, typified by, well, naive people like yourself simply refuse to acknowledge that it's necessary to spend money on weaponry if we're gonna survive.
This country spends $300 billion a year on defense and only $20 billion on education The security of this country is an immediate priority.
There's only one thing our enemies respect and that is not who won the spelling bee.
It is military strength.
I say it's about time we gave the world a reason to think twice before messing with the U.
S.
A.
What about the $45 billion wasted Are you trying to tell me that Soviets spend less than we do on weaponry? Wake up and smell the borscht, Ms.
Brown.
I mean, they're right on your doorstep.
Frankly, I think we ought to increase the amount we spend on defense or we're not gonna have a flag to wave much longer.
- You take the Stealth Bomber - Tell us about the $75 million If you'd let me finish a sentence, Ms.
Brown.
The Stealth Bomber is a thing of beauty.
What about those $16,000 refrigerators on Navy planes All you've done is interrupt me and put words in my mouth.
I couldn't possibly put words in your mouth.
Your foot is taking up too much room.
Listen, if you have more to say, never mind me.
The stage is yours.
What are you doing? You seem to know what's good for America.
Go ahead.
America, Colonel Fitzpatrick.
What are you doing? What are you doing? L The point that I was making Murphy, the man is drowning out there.
Talk to him! Ms.
Brown, if we could just You just never mind me, colonel.
You just go right ahead and say whatever it is you were going to say.
- The - Hey, Dan Quayle on the driving range.
And they said he wouldn't have anything to do.
- The Stealth Bomber is a remarkable - Looks like it's gonna rain.
Wouldn't you know it, I just washed my car.
- I have charts and graphs.
- Coupons! I should have brought them.
I don't care, Murphy.
Make all the arguments you want.
- It was unacceptable behavior.
- The guy was a jerk.
And will you quit scuffing the backs of my shoes.
It doesn't matter what you think of him.
You lost it on the air, Murphy.
Miles, let me explain something to you.
I have a reputation for asking the hard question.
People expect me to be tough.
But they don't expect you to announce that chicken is on sale at Food World.
It was a darn good price, Miles.
We're talking boneless.
You think this is a joke? Do you know that in the last half-hour, four upcoming guests canceled.
- Four of them.
- No guts, no glory.
They don't wanna be humiliated on air.
We do interviews here at FYI.
We don't ask our guests if they know an eight-letter word for "tundra.
" Having a powwow? Well, don't mind me.
You made a mockery of broadcast journalism.
Oh, I did not.
Jim, help me out here.
Tell him he's overreacting.
This is between you two.
No matter what you think of a guest you ask the questions in a dignified manner.
Jim, she was unprofessional, right? - Well, I - Do you believe this, Jim? He thinks it's neat that his office chair swivels and he's calling me unprofessional.
Tell him what it's like in the real world.
- Darn elevator gets slower every week.
- And On top of everything else, your stunt left the show eight minutes short.
You put your colleagues on the spot, right, Jim? Hey, look who's here.
It's Corky.
Corky's here.
- Hi, Corky.
- Hi, Jim.
Shall we go? - It's going up, Jim.
- I know.
Personally, I think you did a lot of damage to your credibility.
What I'm looking for now is a promise that this kind of thing won't happen again.
Oh, this is cute.
You're asking me, a world-renowned network news star to promise you, a man who still wears a retainer at night to change my interviewing style? Forget it.
So who's coming to Phil's? Great idea.
Come on, Miles.
Going down.
I still have something to say, Murphy.
We can talk at Phil's, split some onion rings.
- I'd rather discuss this privately.
- We'll get a booth.
Miles, I'm hungry.
If there's a point to all this, say it.
You're suspended.
Okay, so I'm suspended.
What's that supposed to mean? No more personal phone calls? I can't take a coffee break until my work is done? Or do I have to go sit in the cloakroom? It means, for the next two weeks, your assignments will be put on hold you will be relieved of all duties, you will not be allowed on the air.
- Hello, Murphy.
- Hi, Miles.
I just got a call from Kinsella's office.
I suppose you know that.
Nice move.
Not only did you call the vice president of news and set up a meeting on your turf you did it when I didn't wear a dark suit.
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry about that, Miles.
Fine.
Challenge my authority.
But I'll tell you right now, it's not gonna work.
Kinsella and I don't have your typical boss-employee relationship.
I've made a name for myself as a guy who can take the heat.
Eugene Kinsella and I are very close.
- Brownie! - Gene! - Silverberg.
- Mr.
Kinsella.
How you doing, Murphy? Seems like ages since we had a chance to catch up.
What can I say.
Your news division keeps me hopping.
- Well, everybody knows each other.
- How are my goddaughters? They wanna know when Aunt Murphy is coming over for dinner.
- Tell Lois I'll call and set a date.
- Now that small talk is over Did Debbie's soccer team make it to the playoffs? You bet.
Won the last game 2-1.
Debbie scored a goal.
- Terrific.
- I played soccer.
At Harvard.
Intramurals.
Goalie.
If you're through with your story, I think we should start.
As you know, Gene, we have a problem.
Actually, it's more of a "problemette.
" I'm sorry, Miles.
There's a chair behind that door.
Thanks.
So about this suspension thing.
I mean, I thought before we did anything rash that two old friends could sit down together and come up with an evenhanded solution.
Well, of course we can.
Have you given any thought to the ramifications of this suspension? What about possible negative publicity? Have you seen today's papers? The press is having a field day.
I can't take my star reporter off the air for two weeks.
We're in a ratings war.
You have to balance ratings against integrity.
Once you lose the respect, you don't get it back.
We must protect our stature.
Otherwise, we look foolish.
May I stand? Mr.
Kinsella, I know this was a tough call.
But you told me I'd have to make tough calls when you hired me six months ago.
Gene, when you hired me, when Miles was 9 this wouldn't have been an issue.
Mr.
Kinsella, you hired me to do a job here at FYI.
You promised me support and told me to run with the ball.
But I can't do this if you second-guess me or if I have to ask permission before I move.
What I'm saying is, I'm willing to take the heat for this decision but I have to take a stand, and I hope you'll back me.
- Okay.
- What? I just call them the way I see them.
By the way, Murphy, the girls loved the birthday dresses you sent.
Oh, Murph.
The next couple of weeks just aren't gonna be the same without you.
Seeing your empty parking spot right next to the door reminding me that you're not here.
Maybe it'll ease the pain if I park there.
Yeah, I think it will.
You know, I thought about a lot of things in the last half-hour: Miles' office, his new car, his pants.
Those are all flammable, Frank.
But then I thought, "No, I'm better than that.
" - Not his house.
- No.
See, while I was packing my stuff, I remembered this game against the Eagles.
Third and long, Sonny Jurgensen got hammered from behind.
Everyone in that stadium knew he was hurt but he walked out of there and wouldn't show it.
Frank, if I'm being sent home I'm gonna walk out of here like Jurgensen.
You're a pro, Murph.
Just do me a favor: Call office supply.
I accidentally dropped my typewriter on the floor six times.
Chin up, slugger.
- I know you'll weather this storm.
- Thanks, Jim.
Boy, this was a tough one.
I certainly see your side of it.
But then, I see Miles' side of it too.
Yes, you went over the top.
But does it warrant this kind of punishment? Who's to say? And that, in a nutshell, is what makes the world so damn interesting.
God, I hate goodbyes.
Murph, I think that you should look at this time off as a blessing in disguise.
I didn't want to say anything before, but you have been especially tense lately.
You're probably right.
When was the last time I had two weeks to myself? - This will be good.
- Come on.
Oh, Murphy, I'm so sorry about what's happened to you.
But maybe you can look at this more positively.
I know I'd use this time to go to the gym and work off some of those extra pounds so you won't be embarrassed come swimsuit season.
Thanks for the advice.
So I guess I'm the senior woman around here.
I guess I'll just have to make it my business to see that FYI maintains its same high standards.
Don't wear that tie anymore.
Take me with you, Murph.
I'm scared.
- Look - Excuse me.
Murphy, I just wanted to say that what I did, what I had to do, was strictly a professional decision.
- I hope there'll be no hard feelings.
- You stink.
Okay, there'll be some hard feelings.
I hope we can still be friends.
As far as I'm concerned, we're two people who have to work together, and that's it.
- Lf that's what you want.
- No.
I want all your hair to fall out.
I want you to get cavities in every tooth.
I want to roll you in picnic food, and stake you to an anthill.
That's what I want.
Silverberg.
Obviously penis envy.
I've never seen anything like this.
- Eldin, I'm trying to work.
- So am I.
I need my smoothing stick, which you buried under this mess.
Look, I wasn't gonna say anything, but I can't live like this.
Your pantyhose is touching my stuff.
Could you keep it down, Eldin? I'm trying to write.
- What are you writing there, anyway? - My memoirs, Eldin, okay? I've been wanting to do it for a long time.
Frankly, it's going very well.
Listen.
"My early years were memorable ones.
A merry child, I made no judgments harbored no resentments toward those who questioned my style with finger paints.
And yet, in a way, these experiences were to mirror so many of life's cruel jokes awaiting me.
" So? If I were you, I'd spend a little less time writing and a little more time shaving those legs.
What a turnoff.
Who asked you? "I was a vibrant child.
" "A robust child.
" I'm gonna do that wall.
Forget it.
I work alone.
Eldin, it's my house.
- It's my brush.
- It's my wallpaper.
Not until I put it on your wall.
I need to wallpaper, Eldin, okay? I need to wallpaper very much.
Very, very much! I gotta get another gig.
Okay, you can wallpaper.
Great.
I'll do that.
I'll smooth the wallpaper.
Give me that smoother thing.
No.
You cannot smooth the wallpaper.
That requires technique.
You can stir paste.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Give me some token job.
Well, I don't wanna stir the paste.
I wanna smooth.
Fine.
You smooth.
And every night you can lie awake in bed looking at the little bubbles you missed driving you crazy as you try to flatten them with your thumbnail.
I'm gonna get more paste.
You do what you want.
Hi, Eldin, how's it going? Remember that last scene in The Exorcist? Hey, Murph.
Guys.
What a nice surprise.
Hello.
We're not staying long.
What are you talking about? Come on in.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Have a seat.
So, Murph how you doing? - Great.
Just fine.
I've been writing.
I've been working.
The day just isn't long enough.
But your leg hair is.
Jeez, Murph, you could comb it.
- What's going on with you? - Nothing.
I will accept that answer when you tell me why this room looks like the third day of Woodstock.
Okay.
Okay, I can't take it anymore.
I'm bored.
I floss five times a day.
I eat popcorn to make it more challenging.
Last night, I hit bottom.
Jim, I made pudding.
Don't you have a robe? Come on, guys.
I've been here three days.
I'm starting to care what happens on The Young and the Restless.
Throw me a lifeline.
Tell me about the office.
What's going on? - Nothing much.
Right, Jim? - Yes, that's right.
Nothing much.
You know, I've got this great new angle for my World Bank story.
I can't wait to get back to work on it.
Why? What happened? - Did Miles kill it? - Not exactly.
Well, what? Corky's handling it.
Corky? Corky?! How does she plan to compare deficit spending in Japan with those of the traditional powers of Western Europe? She took a Toyota for a test drive and rented Teahouse of the August Moon.
Oh, God.
Murphy, we came here to boost your spirits.
I hate to see you like this.
Just because Miles thinks he won Let's all go to the kitchen.
Wait a minute.
Miles won? Well, he didn't specifically use that word.
And I lost? - I didn't mean to stir up the situation - Wait.
I think I'm seeing signs of life here.
Yeah.
Everybody in the office thinks he won too.
They think you're taking this lying down.
Beaten.
Whipped.
I hate that.
Dead in the water.
Tail between your legs.
DOA.
R.
I.
P.
- Are you getting dressed now? - You bet I am.
What a yutz I've been.
Frank, go get my razor.
Excuse me.
Close the door! - Hiya, Phil.
- Hi there, kid.
Here's that sub sandwich you ordered.
I shoved in an extra meatball for you.
Thanks, Phil.
Murphy, how long have we known each other? A long time, Phil.
You kissed me when we landed on the moon and after John Dean testified but you never kissed me for a meatball sub.
Get back to work, Murphy.
You're losing your edge.
I might be getting back sooner than you think.
Hurry.
- Hi, guys.
- How's it going, Murph? Oh, Murphy, how wonderful it is to see you.
And you look so good.
Doesn't she look good? Tell her she looks good.
Well, I feel pretty good.
Had a nice day.
Did a little ironing, cleaned the refrigerator, snagged a major interview, bought stamps - What major interview? - Oh, nobody special.
- Murphy! - Marlon Brando.
- That's terrific! - Brando? - Brando never grants interviews.
How? - He owed me.
We attended a U.
N.
Conference together about 10 years ago.
The speeches got long so we sneaked over to his hotel room and played poker all night.
I kept winning.
He kept upping the stakes.
The next thing you know, I won his island.
What am I gonna do with an island? So I gave it back to him.
In return, he promised me a favor.
Last night, I cashed it in.
He's in town, and he's willing to do the interview this week.
Talk about your rotten timing.
- You're on suspension.
- I know.
- Close the door! - It's closed! Well, look who's here.
Hiya, Miles.
Murphy.
Just got a call from Marlon Brando's manager.
What a coincidence.
I just talked to Marlon Brando.
Seems as though he wants to do an interview with you.
And that's a shame.
You're on suspension.
Yep.
Tough break.
Boy, it's really too bad, you losing a real ratings-grabber like that.
Well, I'll just be in my office picking up some stuff in case anybody needs to find me and talk about anything.
Close the door! I hate her.
I know people say that sometimes, but I mean it.
I really mean it.
She thinks she's got me, but she doesn't.
I don't have to agree to that interview.
Son, let me give you some advice.
Sure, Phil.
I could take advice.
Especially from you.
Why don't you just pull down your pants, and sit on the griddle? It'll be a lot less painful.
Miles.
I was hoping to see you.
I was walking around outside for the last 20 minutes trying to decide what to do.
You're really something, Murphy.
I knew you'd find a way to get back at me.
But I thought it'd be more like filling my car with leaves.
I guess you haven't seen your car recently.
Jeez.
Why'd you have to do it to me, Murphy? Why'd you have to get Brando? Miles, I know you're not gonna believe this but I'm not trying to make you look bad.
- Yeah, right.
No, really.
You've got to understand something about me.
My work is just about the most important thing in my life.
Not being here practically killed me.
I missed the studio.
I missed the incessant noise the Teletype makes.
I missed my office.
Look.
Isn't that great? I know I shouldn't need this job as much as I do but the fact is you're dealing with a person who gave up drinking this year.
Who gave up smoking this year.
Every day is a struggle.
I'm not as strong you think I am.
I don't admit that to many people.
I'm admitting it to you.
You know, when I was a kid, I used to watch you on TV and think if there was one person I'd like to work with, it would be you.
And here I am.
FYI and Murphy Brown, produced by Miles Silverberg.
Pretty overwhelming stuff.
Most of the time I feel I can handle it.
But sometimes I feel like I'm still that kid.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I can do this job without your respect but it would mean a lot more to me if I had it.
I do respect you, Miles.
A little bit more today than a few days ago.
Thank you.
So if someone from the Big Girl Escort Service shows up at your house tonight it's because I thought it was a good idea at the time.
Well, I guess we can't stay around talking all day.
A decision has to be made.
We have to do what's best for the show.
I guess that's letting you back on the air.
Thank you, Miles.
But from here on, I have your full cooperation.
- You've got it.
- Good.
Well, I guess we all have work to do.
You don't suppose two people who respect each other could split some onion rings? I'll buy.
Now, get out of here.
I got footage to put together, bio material to read Oh, by the way, when the Brando interview is over you'll still have nine days on your suspension.
What? What are you talking about? Okay, eight days.
We don't count today.
Miles, we'll be right back where we started.
I don't want that.
You don't want that.
And my painter definitely doesn't want that.
There's only one fair and reasonable way to settle this.
What? Closest to the bull's-eye wins.
Best two out of three?