S#*! My Dad Says s01e11 Episode Script

Dinner! Dinner Dinner!!! - What is going on? - I made dinner.
Didn't anyone hear the dinner bell? It's not a dinner bell.
It's a ship's warning bell.
It means viet cong torpedo boats-- We're all gonna die! Well, I made dinner.
We're all gonna die.
I heard the bell.
Is everything okay? I thought it was a dinner bell.
No, honey, that's not what that means.
It's a punishment bell.
It means "come get your spanking.
" And you rushed in for that? Time with dad is time with dad.
All right, it's family dinnertime.
Everyone have a seat.
Doesn't matter where.
It does, it does, it does.
It does matterIt does I don't-- I don't like it.
You know what And perfect.
Have a seat.
Okay.
Bonnie, what are you doing? We are having family dinner.
But we're not in front of the tv.
That's right.
We are at a table Where families eat dinner.
I thought, since the goodsons are all under one roof, Albeit temporarily, That maybe we could start a tradition Where we sit down at dinner and tell each other about our days.
You know, call me sentimental, But I think it's a nice way to celebrate being a family.
- Pass.
- Ed, ed Sit down, please.
Just give it a try.
So, henry, you were telling me a story About a cute fact-checker girl at work.
Oh, hey, you know what they say about fact checkers? That's a legitimate question.
I don't know anything about fact checkers.
I don't know anything about her either.
I mean, she could be married.
She could have a boyfriend.
No, I just remember it was a cute story.
Something you do with her.
Go ahead, start talking.
Get the conversation ball rolling.
Well, at work we have this fact checker, kim.
And whenever I'm writing a story, I put in a funny name.
And then she catches it and changes it into a real name.
There you go-- the very first Goodson family dinnertime story.
Nowhere to go but up.
Funny names, you say.
For instance? Okay, now you're just making fun of me.
No, no, no.
I'm really interested.
Well, it's not gonna be funny out of context, But, um--so today I wrote an article About the law firm grabbit and spankaway.
Delightful.
Got another one? Well, I did a story on the new russian actress Ivanna bangya.
Another one? I'm actually kind of surprised you like it.
I don't.
That's me being nice.
Here's me being mean.
It's your career, not the north korean flag.
You don't pee all over it! What are you talking about? You don't joke around at work.
You know what you do at work? You work.
I'm just trying to have a little fun.
You know what happens if I joke around at work? People die.
You're retired.
You told me your job is to spend all your money So there's nothing left for me.
That's my passion.
My job is a surgeon.
You work three days a month at a hospital Just to keep your license.
That's right.
And tomorrow I make my rounds With a doctor exactly your age.
Do you think he got where he is By jerking around at work? All right, can we please just talk about something else? I'm enjoying myself.
I like these family dinners.
You're just picking on henry.
Oh, that's right.
It's not fair.
Vince, bonnie You threw away your careers.
You're now trying to start a business Out of my garage.
How's that going for you? You know what, I'm out of here.
Right behind you.
Well, looks like it's just you and me.
Pass! So, bonnie, how was your day? Well, I tried to get a couple of weak-willed men To sit down at a table with a stubborn old jackass.
Didn't work out so well.
Well, bon, at least you have your looks.
You've got multiple claw and bite marks on your buttocks.
Yeah, I stuck my ass against the bars Of a wolverine cage.
Wait, if you're here, who's advising the president? That's okay, grandpa, I've got this one.
No, I've got it.
I'm not your grandpa, But I did do your mother.
Oh, my god, I didn't realize-- You're dr.
Ed goodson.
- Yeah.
- You're a legend.
You take up three parking spaces with your impala.
I don't want that baby getting scratched.
That shade of burgundy is hard to come by.
It is an honor.
Ted barron.
It's good to meet you, dr.
Goodson.
- Call me ed.
- All right, ed.
All right.
So hit me.
What are we looking at here? Well, gary here put his ass against a wolverine cage.
Wait, wait, wait, if you're here, Then who's working on finding the cure for cancer? You guys can laugh, but I'm gonna be getting, like, A million hits on youtube.
Really? How much money do you get for that? Nothing.
Oh Let's have a look shall we? Both: Oh, my.
About 50 soft-tissue lacerations.
Sutures or tape? Oh, I only use staples.
It's faster.
Staples? Is that gonna hurt? Both: Not me.
Shall we each take a cheek? Choose your weapon.
Seriously, guys, I don't like pain.
Seriously, you should have thought of that Before you pressed ham against the wolverine cage.
Shall we make this interesting? - Ready.
- Set.
- Go! - [crying out.]
- Done.
- Damn! Come on! Be better! All right, take it easy.
You're good, kid.
27 years old, huh? I know, but I could be better.
My plan is to run this floor in three years, So I gotta stay focused.
Ah, good for you.
I wake up every morning, And I stare in the mirror for 45 seconds, And I say, "what will it take For me to be the best?" That's interesting.
I've got a kid your age.
He wakes up every morning, Spends 45 minutes in the shower thinking, "what can I do to pretend this wash cloth is megan fox?" He arrives at a solution.
OohUhh! Ow.
What are you doing? Somebody sent me this youtube.
A guy's ass versus wolverine.
Yeah, I met that ass.
I have always admired guys like you.
You do an honest day's work for an honest day's pay.
You guys are the heart and soul of this country.
Ecch, they smell so bad! Honey, what's with the workers? I thought I was gonna assemble that dresser.
Yeah, no, I just thought it would be easier, So I just had them do it there.
But I put together all our furniture.
[weakly.]
ehhEhh.
You know [mutters gibberish.]
Okay.
All right.
[chuckling.]
[chuckles.]
what's so funny? Well, you're like the dog that leaves the vet And doesn't know his balls are gone Because he can't see around the neck cone.
Wait, why is that funny? Well, I am really looking forward To meeting the congressman.
And I think this interview is gonna be a good opportunity For him to clear his name from the whole escort scandal.
No, I will not be needing a date.
Interview with the congressman.
Hey, kim.
What's going on? - Oh, hey, devil horns.
- What? Oh, that's your nickname around here.
- Every new guy gets one.
- Why "devil horns"? Because every time something good happens to you, You do devil horns.
So wait, I do devil horns, And you guys call me "devil horns"? That's not very clever, kim.
Oh, it's not supposed to be clever.
It's supposed to be mean.
Ask "pube head" in accounting.
Speaking of funny names, Did you catch the one I put in the last story? You put a funny name in it? I didn't proof it.
I always put a funny name in it--that's our thing.
We don't have a thing.
We've known each other for a week.
Why didn't you proof it? Because I had a horrible night.
My baby was so sick, And I couldn't get anyone to watch her, - And I couldn't get to work.
- Your baby? Okay, listen up.
I'm not happy right now.
See, someone in the fact-checking department Thought it would be hysterical To put a fake joke name in this article, And it went to press.
Kim, you are the fact-checking department.
Do you want to explain why the new san diego police chief Is a harry assenback? Well, I Dickey, it's my story.
Stay out of this, devil horns.
This is between me and "are they real?" The good news is I can always find a new fact checker.
No, dickey, you can't fire her.
It's my fault.
Henry, you really don't have to-- No, no.
It's okay.
Look, I put the name in there as a joke for kim, And then I sent it to printing by mistake.
If you're gonna fire anybody, fire me.
Please don't fire me.
I really need this job.
You can't fire me.
I can't lose this job.
Well, henry, I must say you've inspired me.
Thank you.
You've inspired me to punish you In a mean-spirited and soul-crushing way.
God, I love the publishing game! Sweetheart, you're off the political desk.
No, no.
I just set up an interview with the congressman.
Oh, well, that's a whole different "i don't care.
" I am giving you the worst assignment An alternative newspaper can give.
Oh, not lesbian cinema.
Senior citizens' rehabilitative dance.
Congratulations, adult braces, You're interviewing the congressman.
Yeshhh! [air horn blares.]
What the hell was that? Well, I didn't want to ring your ship's bell, And I saw this air horn, so now this is the dinner horn.
It's not the dinner horn.
It's the "get off my chair" horn.
That's not a real thing.
I wasn't in your chair.
- Who's in ed's chair? - Whoa, whoa, relax.
No one was in the great santini's chair.
It was the dinner horn.
All right, we're gonna try one more time To have a nice family dinner.
Everyone have a seat.
It doesn't matter where you sit-- It kind of does.
It kind of does.
Don't--yeah-- And, ed--ed, don't-- [mutters indistinctly.]
All right, all right, here we go.
All right, henry, how was your day? Any stories? No judgment.
Just hope it's better than yesterday's.
I actually got in trouble for yesterday's story.
The fact checker at work, kim, handed in the article With the funny name in it, but she didn't proof it.
I didn't want her to get fired, So I took the heat for it.
Wait, she didn't do her job, and you took the heat? She's a single mom.
She had to watch her baby, dad.
What was I supposed to do? I'll tell you what you're supposed to do.
Don't be a schmuck.
I'm not a schmuck, dad.
I was looking out for her.
Why don't you look out for yourself? Perhaps you'll understand it better If I give it a funny name-- Hugh r.
Aschmuck.
Uh-oh, bonnie, I'm having trouble tossing this salad.
Hey, I know, how 'bout you go down to the paint store And get two guys to come over here And toss my salad? Vincent, are you trying to say something? Yeah.
I'm not hungry.
Why do I even bother? Dad, I finally have a full-time job.
Why are you on me like this? All I know is that you're not a 27-year-old On track to be chief of surgery.
So now you want me to be a doctor.
You can be whatever you want to be.
Just don't be a schmuck.
Well, guess what Too late! Well What do we have here? [speech garbled.]
my tongue is big.
You're hung like a pig? Well, there's not much I can do about that.
It's more an issue for your wife.
[garbled.]
my tongue is swollen.
Your son's gone bowling? It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Hey, don't feel badly, My son's also a schmuck.
But of course, I don't have that pig thing going on.
Let's take a look at your char-- Oh, your tongue is swollen! Why didn't you say so? Well, the doctor gave you penicillin.
You're allergic to penicillin.
That was a lazy mistake.
Let's see, who was the doctor on call? Oh, my god, dr.
Ted barron.
[indistinct babbling.]
I don't know, maybe they have some onion rings In the cafeteria.
And now our senior dancers, ages 90 and over, Wandering to handel's water music.
[sighs.]
Excuse me, is this seat open? Are you kidding me? They're all open.
Hey! Kim.
I am so sorry dickey made you do this.
Ehh, it's actually kind of interesting.
That guy was in genesis.
- The band? - The bible.
So how's your baby? Much better.
I think she just ate a bad batch of cat food.
Oh, my god, that must have freaked you out.
Your baby ate cat food? Not really.
She's a cat, so Your baby's a cat? Of course.
What did you think baby was? I don't know, a baby.
So I got demoted because your cat had food poisoning? No, you got demoted because you are a good guy Who took a bullet for me.
I guess that's something.
So no human baby? No.
Human boyfriend? No.
Let me ask you a question.
If you had known that she was a cat, Would you still have taken the heat for me? Pbbbt.
Yeah, probably.
[chuckles.]
I think my dad was right.
I'm a schmuck.
No, you are not.
I'm not? Ted, can I talk to you for a moment? Oh, hey, ed.
Hey, you're not gonna believe this.
I just patched up two more clowns Who copied that youtube video.
That wolverine has gotten more ass this week Than I got in all of med school.
Listen, uh, I just saw a young man who said You gave him penicillin.
Yeah.
Yeah, that sounds right.
What's the problem? Well, the problem is he's allergic to penicillin.
You should have seen it on his medical chart.
Let me see that.
HuhOh, yeah.
There.
All better.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a second.
You can't just tear up a medical chart.
It's not a drawing your kid gives you.
This means something.
Ed, I am 27 years old, and I see more patients Than any other doctor on this floor.
That gets me noticed.
Now, unfortunately, Sometimes things slip through the cracks.
Well, hey, I'm all for cutting corners.
I haven't come to a full stop at a crosswalk Since the '60s.
But you can't cut corners here.
You've got to look out for your patients.
Hey, I've also gotta look out for myself, ed.
Hey, hot shot What are you gonna do when someone finds out You screwed up? I don't know.
I guess if it comes down to it, I'll just pin it on some schmuck.
Oh, what a good idea.
Aah! Vince, what the heck? What are you doing? I wanted to prove to you That I could put this dresser together.
But it was together.
Uh, hello? That's why I took it apart.
Okay.
How's that going? Awesome.
Awesome.
I just have to figure out how to turn this into a dresser And I'm done.
Vince, why is this so important to you? Because I don't want to be some nutless dog Walking around with a cone on my head.
Damn it, I didn't like it when your dad used that analogy At our wedding, and I don't like it now.
Bonnie, if you can't trust me to build a dresser, How are you supposed to trust me to build our business? Is our business building dressers? - No.
- That's right.
It's selling real estate.
And with that, I trust you completely.
Really? Who puts out the best snacks at open houses? I do.
Who came up with the term "historically significant" To describe a condo where there had been A triple homicide? Guilty as charged.
And who is the cutest realtor in the greater san diego area? UmGonna have to go with tom reynolds.
He's adorable.
No, according to me.
What do I think? - Okay, uh, buh, buh, buh - You, hon--you.
Gimme a second.
I would have gotten it.
I'm just saying you do all the important things Better than anyone.
Now, let's forget about this dresser, And let's hire a couple guys And go upstairs and fool around.
Fine.
But you can't kiss them.
No, no, they're gonna put the dresser together.
- We're gonna go upstairs.
- Oh, that's much better.
That is much-- you would not believe [ship's whistle shrieking.]
Who is sunbathing naked? It doesn't mean that anymore.
From now on, it's a dinner whistle.
And it's nighttime.
What the hell are you thinking? Did I miss it? It doesn't mean that anymore.
Vince, where did you run off to? Uh, dad blew the - Dinner whistle.
- The dinner whistle And I just wanted to get a look at the fixin's.
A dinner whistle? So now you're captain von trapp? I don't I thought we weren't doing family dinner anymore.
Well, we are.
I made a beautiful roast.
Please, sit down.
We're gonna restart our family tradition.
I'll start by telling you about my day.
Great.
Let me guess, dad-- You're gonna talk about dr.
Youngenstein.
Yes, I am.
But you're gonna like what I have to say.
The thing is, does he make more money than you? Yeah.
Does he have a better job than you? Absolutely.
Is he better looking than you? How can I put this? Yes.
When is the part where I'm gonna like what you're saying? It's coming up.
Does he live with his dad? No.
But let me tell you something that you have That he doesn't have.
Uneven sideburns? - Obnoxious smirk? - Flat ass? Thank you, everybody! All right, here's what you have That he doesn't have.
Character.
And I wouldn't trade that for all the other qualities.
Thanks, pop.
That actually means a lot.
Whew.
Not a schmuck.
Henry, that thing you do with your hands? - Mm-hmm.
- That makes you a schmuck.