New Girl s01e11 Episode Script

Your sheets are so soft.
They've actually been in my family for almost 40 years.
- Wow.
- lf these old things could talk, huh? Ew.
- I was just trying to paint a picture.
- Read the room.
NlCK: Ha, ha.
- Jeez.
JESS: Hey, Julia.
- Hey.
JESS: It's so fun having another girl around here.
[WHlSPERlNG.]
There are tampons hidden all over the apartment.
SCHMlDT: Aah! Damp towel! Damp! - [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Here we go.
SCHMlDT: It's like a really big Wet-Nap.
[GRUNTS.]
Feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever.
Look at this bathroom.
There should not be two girls in this bathroom.
You're too humid.
You make everything damp.
Eighty percent of the products are yours.
Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes.
I use sculpting chutney.
Once I'm done with my chutney, back in the row it goes.
- Hair everywhere - Hello.
the multicolored rubber bands.
I'm fine with it.
It's all okay with me.
A damp towel is where I draw the line.
Sorry, so, what are your thoughts on damp towels? Oh, you better watch it, Nick's guest.
- Julia.
SCHMlDT: I know your name.
- Are you flexing right now? - No.
NlCK: Hey.
- I'm gonna get ready in your room.
Sure.
Feeling weird in here? JESS: Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight.
- Yeah.
See you later.
She's helping me get out of a traffic ticket.
Are you seriously using the girl I'm sleeping with for free legal advice? I'm sorry, the girl you're sleeping with? - You can't call her your girlfriend? - We're not labeling it.
[lN BRlTlSH ACCENT.]
Oh, you're not labeling it - because you're too sophisticated.
- Don't do your sophisticated guy.
[HUMMlNG.]
- Not how a sophisticated man dances.
- [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
How does he? [SlNGlNG lN BRlTlSH ACCENT.]
I'm too sophisticated I don't believe in labeling - You gotta get laid.
- You gotta get laid.
- Yeah.
- This is bad.
- Get out of here.
- Mm.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess Maybe I should call Shelby.
I haven't seen her since I got back from Latvia.
We did have an amazing time together.
Whoo.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah.
All right, bye.
I'm gonna call her.
Yeah, over in Latvia they had this fermented milk stuff that they drink.
Whole country runs on the stuff.
Called: [BLEATS.]
[BLEATS.]
was definitely one of my biggest endorsements.
I have a lot of endorsements, but that was my biggest amongst other endorsements that I had.
- Wow.
- So, um, your place or mine? [SHELBY LAUGHlNG.]
[BOTH LAUGHlNG.]
What are we laughing at? How much I'm not going home with you tonight.
[SHELBY LAUGHlNG.]
You show up after two years, out of the blue and all you do is talk about yourself.
You don't even let me get a word in edgewise.
Heh.
Why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks? Winston, you took me out for a drink at the place where I work.
Here's your bill.
Thanks for the water.
Man, I told you to get yourself whatever you wanted.
You chose water.
JESS: Have a seat.
JULlA: Okay.
Let me get you a blanket.
- Why would I want a blanket right now? - Just to get toasty.
JULlA: Oh.
Oh.
Would you like a cookie or a cupcake? I made them.
Oh, no, I'm okay.
I'm not really a dessert person.
- I just don't eat it, usually.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna put this, like, right here.
- Oh.
- I don't-- Okay.
- Just-- Just take me through what happened with the ticket.
- They got a photo of you? - [SlNGSONG.]
At the scene of the crime.
[SlNGS DRAMATlC TUNE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- ls this it? - [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Yeah.
Okay.
Hmm.
This may actually be kind of hard to argue with.
There's actually more there than meets the eye.
Um, there was a bird, he's not in the shot, but he was injured and couldn't get out of the road, so I braked.
And I had to accelerate - out of the intersection.
- You missed your court date.
My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me before the court date.
He doesn't believe in mail.
Has to do with his thoughts on government spending.
Now it's an $800 fine.
That's why I need, like, a really awesome lawyer, like you.
- So can you help me? - I mean, I can try.
You never know.
A judge might buy into this whole thing, so What whole thing? Your whole thing.
With the cupcakes and the braking for birds and bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning.
Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.
It's a great thing.
I mean, the big beautiful eyes.
Like a scared baby.
I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, except my peripheral vision is, like, almost too good.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hey, so living here, it's probably fun, right? - Yeah.
- Like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place? Schmidt is like Ellis lsland in the 1800s.
He accepts everyone.
Yeah, and Winston and Nick I probably shouldn't - Oh.
Yeah.
You don't have to-- - Plead the Fifth! - No, that's not what-- Whoa.
- Objection! - Nick, hey! - Hey, Julia.
- You wanna hang out? NlCK: Sure.
Jess, if you'll excuse us, Julia is about to be very disappointed.
Okay, so I will look at this stuff some more I'll call some people, see what I can do.
Here's your blankie back.
- Power blazer.
- Ha, ha.
Hey.
What's going on with the ticket? She has a problem with me, Nick.
She doesn't like me.
- What? - You don't understand - because you're a guy.
- She does not have a problem with you.
Nick, your girlfriend is not a dessert person.
Hmm.
- She said you have a whole thing? - I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts? - Yeah.
- Where is she right now? Look, I think I know what she meant.
I mean, you do like girly stuff.
It kind of freaked me out at first.
When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons.
My ribbon hat.
I love that hat.
Screw her.
And I'm gonna wear that ribbon hat.
- Go get it, right now.
JESS: Be right back.
NlCK: Whoa, there she is.
Where is this bitch? I'm gonna smack the learning out of her mouth.
Okay, this is getting excessive, guys.
She's helping her get out of a ticket.
By being condescending and judgmental? What did she say? JESS: Ugh, just drop it, Nick.
Okay, what did Julia do wrong? It's how girls fight sometimes.
A lot unsaid.
Like, one time, a girl said to me, "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots.
" - Ooh.
How did she say it? - "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots.
" - That is diabolical.
- I'm really sorry.
Ruined our friendship.
I couldn't get over the incident.
Warning! Spoiler alert.
Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier to plug in their flatiron.
I will be putting my dehumidifier and my towel in my room where nothing ever gets wet.
You know what, Jess? Julia is one of those girls where she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends.
She thinks like a guy.
She doesn't play mind games.
- So blind! NlCK: All I know is she's totally upfront with me.
No subtext, no codes.
So did she come right out and ask you if you were seeing other girls? Because she asked me.
[CHUCKLES.]
- She did? - You didn't know that? I thought you were upfront with one another.
I thought you guys told each other everything.
- Told him she didn't wanna "label" it.
- Oh.
I mean, that's a classic move, even in the lesbian community.
[SCHMlDT CLEARS THROAT.]
- What are we talking about? - Did you just hear "lesbian community" - and come running out of your room? - I did.
Um, question, for you.
This community you speak of do the ladies look, um, more like this one - or, you know, kind of Nickish? - Ah, shut up, Schmidt.
I did date a woman who looked like Nick.
You did.
Felicia.
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
Why can't you just admit she's your girlfriend? I just thought it was uncomplicated, and now I'm freaking out.
I'm not good at being a boyfriend.
I'm that guy that you find yourself spending more time with until you meet your husband.
All right.
So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.
- And blueberries.
- Barkeep.
Get this man a drink.
Ladies, he hasn't had sex in four months.
Come and get it, ladies.
- I seriously hate you.
- Why? - lt didn't go well with Shelby? - I thought it would be easy.
You know? Maybe I don't have game.
Maybe I never had game.
Maybe it's always been about basketball.
It's always been because you play basketball.
Are you just realizing you don't have game? What is your secret? How do normal guys get girls? Let's not say normal.
Just say what it is: Average.
WlNSTON: You've had the most game.
For years now, you've been working with absolutely nothing.
- Good point.
- I've been working with nothing.
- Zilch.
NlCK: Right, I've got nothing.
Except this.
[GRUNTS THEN BOTTLE SHATTERS.]
Oh, my God.
JULlO: Miller.
No Cocktail.
Sorry, Julio.
- Julia.
Hey, Julia.
- Hey.
Oh.
You guys are using names? That's not too "labelly" for you? JULlA: Hey.
- Hey, hey, Jules.
JULlA: Hey, hey.
- Thought I'd drop by and say hello.
- I didn't know we were doing drop-bys.
Uh Here's a scenario that's paid sexual dividends particularly in the Asian markets, and, Jess, you can back me up on this.
Inform her that you're an aerialist for the Cirque du Soleil.
Winston, just ask questions, pay attention to her, listen to her don't listen to him.
Oh, I don't take advice from Schmidt.
Never have, never will.
Ever.
So Jess told me what you asked her yesterday.
- What? - That you asked if I was sleeping with other people.
- That is not even-- l-- What? - I don't wanna play games.
That's not what happened.
I just said something to her because I was feeling kind of guilty because I'm, uh, dating other people.
I wanted to see if you were also dating other people.
NlCK: You're dating other people? - Yeah, yeah.
No.
No, I'm seeing other people too.
Good.
Good.
I'm having sex all the time.
I'm like a mailman.
Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.
I've had to start carrying, like, athletic shoes in my purse because I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another.
Can't wear heels.
Well, I'm having sex right now.
Under the bar.
And she's on top.
So figure that out.
[NlCK MOANlNG lN HlGH VOlCE.]
- Was that her? NlCK: Yeah.
Then we're both doing the same thing.
- We're on the same page.
- No labels.
- Exactly what I want.
NlCK: It's my dream.
- Just gonna go to the bathroom quickly.
NlCK: Okay.
Great.
[SlGHS.]
[DEERHEART'S "OH SO SAFE" PLAYlNG.]
Will you turn around and face it? So I hear I really made you think Hey, Julia? Are you serious? Did Nick say some stuff to you? I'm sorry, I wanna explain-- Why would you tell him that I said that? You know what that makes me look like? - Um-- - I see what you're doing.
I know that I'm the mean lawyer girl who wears suits and works too much and you, you're the really fun teacher girl with all the colorful skirts and you bake things.
And eventually, Nick is gonna come to you and you'll tuck him in under his blankie and-- What is it with you and the blankie? I never said the word blankie.
I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.
If I acted the way that you act when I was at work, nobody would listen to me.
Well, if I acted like you at work my students would turn in really weird, dark dioramas, so-- I don't like you.
And I don't want to be your friend, so - Fine.
- Can you leave, please? Because I am about to start crying and you are the last person that I wanna cry in front of.
I wanna cry too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the bathroom crying space.
Please go.
What are you doing, Jess? Get out! I'm sorry.
[WHlMPERS.]
- Winston, what are you doing? - Pah-pah-pah.
I have come here to listen to you.
Should I have interrupted you to tell you that? Probably not.
So how are you? Tell me about your life, and how is everything? Winston, what am I supposed to do? I was a booty call for two years and then I was nothing for two years.
You show up bragging after all this time like nothing has changed.
What do you want me to think? That I'm an idiot.
And you know what? You're right, and I'm sorry.
It's just that since I've stopped playing ball I realize I'm not that good at this.
And, quite frankly, you are way out of my league.
That is clear now.
But I do hope this is not the last time I see you but whatever you want, I'm cool with.
- I gotta get back to work.
WlNSTON: Yeah.
Yeah, I'll help you.
See? - I'm the manager.
- Oh, you're the manager? SHELBY: Yeah.
- Wow, that's amazing.
It's okay.
Case 73.
Mr.
Sandoval.
Why, I see you have dressed for the occasion.
Oh, hi.
You didn't have to come.
I'm sure you're very busy.
- I said that I would be here, so I'm here.
- Don't worry.
I think I can handle it.
Let's just get this over with so we can get out of here.
MAN: Yes, sir.
JUDGE: You keep a dog on a leash.
[lN QUlET VOlCE.]
Your Honor.
[CLEAR THROAT.]
[lN BREATHY VOlCE.]
Your Honor.
[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Your Honor.
[lN DEEP VOlCE.]
These are the facts.
[SlNGSONG.]
Your Honor.
Case 74.
Jessica Day.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Yes, sir.
Yes, I'm present, sir.
Okay, you just have to enter the plea yourself, all right? - And then I'll do the rest.
- I got it.
- So all you have to do is say-- - I got it.
Thank you.
- How do you plead? - Guilty.
JUDGE: Great.
Pay your fine upstairs.
- [MOUTHS.]
What? Well, I guess we're never gonna know if the bird defense works.
Such a bummer too.
We have this pool at my office.
Okay.
Hey! I got something to say to you, man.
What? I brake for birds.
I rock a lot of polka dots.
I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours.
I spend my entire day talking to children.
And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person.
That's just weird, and it freaks me out.
And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown.
And I hate your pantsuit.
I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter.
And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.
- Okay.
- And I know you like Nick and I'm not trying to interfere but you should just talk to him about it.
JULlA: Are you done? I am almost done.
I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch.
JULlA: That's the wrong way.
- You moved.
- You remember my old place? - The place in the 'hood? - No.
Okay, it was 'hood-adjacent.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, whatever.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
So, um, this was nice.
Yeah, it was.
- Wanna know what I want to do now? - What? Take you on a real date.
Why don't you call me? Good night, Winston.
[WlNSTON SQUEALlNG QUlETLY.]
- Winston, what's happening? - Huh? Yeah, good night.
What is wrong with you, man? You got no game.
That was so stupid.
[SlGHS.]
Hey! Anyone! My towel! Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my lrish walking cape.
The bigger towel.
Not-- Do not touch the small one.
Okay, I left my towel in my room.
Nobody look.
[CECE SNORTS.]
- Nobody look, yo.
Nobody look.
- We don't want to.
Seriously, no one is looking at-- ? All right, forget it.
- Aah! Damn it! JESS: Oh, my God.
He's a natural blond.
What shape is that supposed to be shaved into? - Think he's trying to force perspective.
- Ha, ha.
Very funny.
- I gotta get something off my chest.
WOMEN: Oh! No, Schmidt, there is an apron right over there.
Go cover yourself.
- You are Jewish.
- You're making me gayer.
Are you gonna go on, like, a wet-towel rant? No.
This is now a sex rant.
To wit, six months ago I thought getting a girl roommate meant sex all the time.
Definitely with her friends and probably with her.
Are there women here? Yeah, sure, more than ever.
But you, not gonna happen.
You, I will never give up.
And you, well, you sample from the gumbo pot.
- Ha! - I am in a damp bathroom full of naked women every day and I hate it.
It's like a nightmare.
I'm in a watermelon-themed apron with a A tampon? Why would you need this for cooking? JESS: I just had an idea.
Why don't we hang our towels on towel bars instead of hooks? - And that'll make them dryer? - That is the-- That is, uh-- That is a great idea.
Quick question for you.
As a lesbian gynecologist perhaps one of these days the two of us could sit down and talk about OSl.
- What is OSl? - Our shared interest.
Schmidt, clothe yourself! SCHMlDT: All right.
It was just a suggestion.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
- Oh.
Hey.
- Hi.
Nick's not here.
That's okay.
Uh, because I came here to Well, I kind of came because I thought it would be good if you and l-- Hey, Jess, my hands are actually stuck in the yarn because-- Oh.
I didn't realize you had people over.
Sorry.
No, it's just crochet time.
Yeah.
- Nick's not here.
JULlA: No, I know.
Thanks.
I'll just come back later.
Hey, Julia? Do you want to crochet with us? I mean, growing up was brutal.
- I went to an all-girls school.
- Girls can be so mean to each other.
Yeah, Cece and I hid in the bathroom for four years.
This is really nice, guys.
Thank you for letting me join in.
It's totally relaxing.
Except that I don't know why if I put the fox through the cave it doesn't-- The yarn is broken.
I don't know why this is not turning into-- What you making? A hat.
If you're making a hat for a baby, it is done.
Yeah.
Hey, Julia.
What are you doing here? Could I talk to you for a second? Okay.
Hey, Julia.
- Stop.
- There's something I need to say to you.
All right.
Then go ahead.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna say it.
- Uh, okay, l-- - Just say it.
All right.
I wanted to say that I don't wanna date anybody else.
I just wanna date you.
Well, that's what I was gonna say to you.
- Really? - Yeah.
So, then, what does that mean? You're, like, my boyfriend now? - No, I'm not really into labels.
- Yeah, all right.
Boyfriend.
That's so lame.
You're totally gonna carry my books home from school.
I will if you wear my leatherman jacket.
- Letterman jacket.
- I'm sure it's a leatherman jacket.
- You letter-- - Leather sleeves the football guys wear? I'm right.
I'm right.
I'm glad you pitched a fit, because my towel is very dry.
I didn't pitch a fit.
I just Damp! Damn it! Everybody, bathroom now! What's up, Dad? - What? - ls someone playing a joke on me? Honestly, why is my towel still damp? Because it's not your towel.
It's my towel, Schmidt.
- It's not your towel.
Your towel's red.
NlCK: I'll tell you this I've never used that.
I do use that one every single day.
- Oh, God.
- This towel is so warm and fluffy.
Like it's been in the sun forever.
This means you two have been drying your junk - with the same towel.
- lntimate.
Are you out of your mind? How do you think this is your towel? Do you wash it? No, I don't wash the towel.
The towel washes me.
Who washes a towel? - Never-- ? - You wash your towel? - You never wash the towel? NlCK: What am I gonna do? - Wash the shower next? - Ugh.
- Wash a bar of soap? You gotta think, pal.
- I'm furious right now.
I get out of the shower, I'm clean as a damn baby - and I use the towel.
SCHMlDT: Let me ask you this.
- Have you been wearing my underpants? - Sometimes.
Who cares? - Ugh.
- You don't wear each other's underpants? - You're lying.
WlNSTON: No.
We all wear each other's underwear.