Night Court (1984) s01e11 Episode Script

Quit playing with the knobs.
I'm not playing, I just can't stand to look at a picture that's not properly adjusted.
It's too green.
It's too green.
Perfect.
I just cannot believe it! The judge is gonna be on a TV talk show.
Isn't this exciting? Yeah, lash me to the sofa.
What is that? That is Jennifer Black, one of the biggest rock stars around.
- You don't say.
What's she done? - Her big hit was "Suicide Hayride.
" Yes, based on a theme from Beethoven's Appassionata, I believe.
I didn't know that.
Yes, it's a fact.
Many of our most modern, popular songs are based on the classics.
- Dan.
- "Wichita Lineman.
" Wagner's Die Götterdämmerung.
Come in.
I'm looking for Judge Harold T.
Stone.
Oh, sorry, you missed him.
He left about a half an hour ago.
He had to hurry across town.
He's gonna be on this TV program in a few minutes.
Who gives a flying Any of us help you? No.
His court clerk is sick, and I'm filling in for her tomorrow.
Well, welcome.
I'm Liz Williams.
- This is Dan Fielding.
- Forget it.
I'm just a temporary.
If I know your names, we might become friends.
If we become friends, I'll grieve for you if you die.
For a lousy couple of days? It's not worth the pain.
See you tomorrow.
- That's a strange lady.
- Yeah.
- Nice outfit, though.
- Look.
I think it's time for Harry.
The singer, Jennifer Black.
The album, I Bite the Songs.
Jennifer, it's been wonderful having you here.
And if you can stick around l'd love you to meet my next guest.
- Sure.
He is one of New York's newest judges and one of the youngest men ever to hold such a post.
Let's make him feel right at home.
The honorable, Harold T.
Stone.
Welcome.
Welcome.
- Thanks.
- So, what do we call you? - Your Honor? - Harry's fine.
- Harry, please say hello to Jennifer Black.
- Hi.
Hey, nifty outfit.
Boy, that must make a lot of noise in the dryer, huh? - So, Harry, being one of New York's - You know, this set looks bigger on TV.
It's that little lens out there.
Optical illusion, that sort of thing.
Anyway You know, this is the first time I ever wore makeup.
Looks like I'm losing control around here.
Let's find out if I gain control back after this short commercial break.
Charlie, who the hell booked this show? - You're funny.
- Well, everybody says so.
Are you a fan of mine? Well, I guess you'd say my tastes are more traditional.
Mel Tormé is my favorite.
- Me too.
- No kidding.
- I love him.
- This is the same Jennifer Black who wrote "Society of Scum"? I don't know, but why don't we find out over coffee, after the show? Coffee with Jennifer Black, superstar? No.
With me.
- Sure.
- Tell him I don't want any more child actors on the show.
Last night, that little creep upstaged me the moment she Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We're back talking right now with singer Jennifer Black and New York judge, Harold T.
Stone is doing the same.
Sign this.
Excuse me.
Who are you? Mavis Tuttle, your temporary court clerk.
Well, nice to meet you, Miss Is it Miss or Mrs.
Tuttle? My old man's dead.
Take your pick.
He turned out to be a temporary too.
Bye.
There he is.
The most famous judge in New York City.
Hi, guys.
Tell us all about it.
Well, not much to tell.
Apparently, you saw the show.
We saw the show.
We wanna know about after the show, with Jennifer.
How'd you know about that? Your Honor, everybody knows about that.
Cute headline, don't you think? "Rocker Tries Judge.
" The photographers followed us right into the coffee shop.
That's me.
That's my pie.
So, how was she? - Dan.
- I meant personality-wise.
Did she attempt any multi-syllable words or anything? Actually, she's quite literate and very expressive.
- Say no more.
Say no more.
- Dan.
Really, she's a terrific person.
I like her very much.
You and 50 million other fans, half of whom are in our courtroom tonight.
- What? - Yeah.
Take a little peek.
- Harry! - Harry! - What are they doing here? - They came here to see you and they think Jennifer may show up here tonight.
She will.
We're having dinner after court.
You're kidding.
Can I talk to her, please? Just for a minute? I've never met anybody famous before who hasn't been connected with a slaying.
Yeah, whatever you want.
Excuse me.
I gotta get ready for court.
I'm so excited.
I'm gonna meet Jennifer Black.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
I once met Donald Rumsfeld.
It was at a fundraiser.
He told me this hilarious story about a caucus fight over this land management bureau issue.
Wait up.
This is gonna kill you.
Come in.
Guess who.
Well, if it isn't my favorite yellow journalist.
- You're too kind.
- What is it, Craven? What is it? Jennifer Black is it, and you are its current lover.
Craven, we met briefly, we had coffee and then I took her back to her hotel.
How does she take it? - I beg your pardon? - Her coffee.
My public likes to know that kind of stuff.
Your public moves their lips when they read.
Your Honor, come on, huh? I figured you'd give me the inside story because of our close, personal relationship.
Craven, our close, personal relationship is that of a tick to a dog.
Tick, right? Yeah.
We're ready, Your Honor.
- Thanks, Bull.
I'll be right out.
- Fine.
Want me to take out the trash while I'm here, Your Honor? Hey, come on, big guy.
Sticks and stones, remember? Sticks? I don't need no stinking sticks.
Well.
Hey, man.
I dig your skull choice.
Personally, I was torn between shaving and this.
You lost.
Hey, man.
You know this judge? Hey, woman.
Yes, I do.
Listen, you think you can get me his autograph? You want the autograph of an arraignment court judge? Come on, mister.
- I'll give you five bucks.
- Get lost.
Ten, and I'll throw in one of his pens.
All rise.
Criminal court, part two, City of New York, is now in session.
The honorable Harold T.
Stone presiding.
Harry! Quiet, please.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, Bull.
Now, I know why many of you are here tonight First case.
Maynard Dressel, second-degree burglary.
I've read the report, and if you ask me, the little weasel did it.
Miss Tuttle, I am addressing the court.
It's been my experience that acknowledging the unruly only encourages their behavior.
I appreciate the advice, but this is my courtroom.
And you're gonna do whatever the hell you want.
Fine.
I'll just stroll on over there to my hole and shuffle some papers till you're done.
As I was saying, I know that many of you are here because some papers ran a picture of me with Jennifer Black.
Harry, I love you! I love you, Harry, I wanna touch you, I want Wait a minute, I gotta get close to Harry.
- Will the court officers remove her, please.
- Oh, Harry! Was it worth it, just to save a lousy sawbuck? All right, people, listen up! Now, I wanna make a few things clear.
This is a courtroom.
This is a courtroom.
- Not a circus.
- Not a Circus.
Not a circus.
Now, I know you've l Now, come on.
Stop that.
Stop it.
You'll get Bull riled up.
Now, if there's one more such outburst, I will clear this entire courtroom.
Listen, everybody.
Jennifer Black's in the building! Do I make myself clear? Yes, sergeant.
Yeah, sergeant.
Thank you.
The police have cordoned off the building.
They're not letting anyone else in.
- So how many? - Got in? There's a couple of hundred roaming around the building.
Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not on the streets terrorizing the public.
Kind of scary, isn't it? How disruptive worship and adulation can be.
Your Honor.
You know, we can't work like this.
- Yeah, I know.
- I bet she's a very nice girl.
Oh, she's very nice.
- But this craziness isn't gonna stop unless - Last night she said that I reminded her of a puppy dog.
Cut her loose.
She said my eyes flickered like candles in a pumpkin.
Cut her loose tonight.
She said I had the subtle sensuality of a caged panther.
Okay, you let it ride till breakfast.
Harry.
Harry, are you all right? I can't see her anymore.
- Right.
- I like her.
Right.
I like her, so I can't see her anymore.
And they called it the birth of the blues.
Right.
- Hi.
- Selma, how's it going out there? Now I remember why I didn't have children.
Yeah, who is it? Bull.
Friend.
- Peekaboo.
- Jennifer.
You're early.
I know.
I thought I'd hang around for a while and watch you work.
That's what the problem is.
- What what problem is? - I'll just stand guard outside your door.
- Thanks, Bull.
- May I? - Thanks, Bull.
- "Thanks, Bull.
Thanks, Bull.
" That's all I ever hear around here.
Thanks, Bull.
Jennifer Black, may I introduce Liz Williams, legal aid.
- Hi.
I'm a big fan.
- Thank you.
And Dan Fielding, assistant district attorney.
Hi.
I had no idea how beautiful you are.
Harry, you've been holding out on us.
When I saw you on the tube, in that getup, I didn't see your Listen, the "assistant" in front of "district attorney" is not what it sounds like.
- Nice meeting you.
- Did you really gross $8 million last year? Jennifer, the gang just wanted to say hi, but now they've gotta be moving along.
Yeah, Jennifer, I'm a really big fan, and I've got every intention of buying some of your albums.
Pleased to meet you.
Say, perhaps you could give the judge an autographed picture for my niece.
She thinks you're I'm lying.
It's for me.
"To my friend Liz," or something like that.
Thanks.
Okay, bye.
- Jennifer Black, Selma Hacker.
- Nice meeting you.
Same here.
If you ever bump into Jerry Vale tell him we're waiting.
Well.
Alone at last.
Not quite.
Hey.
Hey.
Get down from there.
You fool, this is the 18th floor.
Get down.
Get down! You.
On the ledge.
This is the police.
Move away from the window.
Move to your right.
A firefighter is there to assist you.
Move to your right.
Slowly.
- Slowly.
- Is he all right? Yeah, they got him.
He's fine.
Hello, Ms.
Black.
Hello, Your Honor.
Have a nice night.
- You look a little crazed.
- Aren't you? - About what? - People on the ledges.
- Helicopters buzzing you.
- The price of fame, Harry.
Is it worth it? Dan was wrong.
I netted $8 million last year.
- You netted $8 million? - Craven?! I lost my contact lens when I was here before.
Craven, you get your skulking carcass out of here.
Isn't an introduction in order? - Bull.
- Oh, please.
Not No Bull.
No, please.
Yeah? - Male.
- Female.
- Male.
- Female.
So where are you planning to take me to dinner? Jennifer, we have to talk.
- You asked me, you're paying.
- Yeah, I know.
Come here.
We've got to have a serious talk.
Okay, but I warn you.
Daddy won't give us his blessing after only one date.
Jennifer.
I'm afraid it's gonna be impossible to Docket update.
Check it over, and then I'll post it.
- Miss Tuttle, I'm busy.
- Aren't we all.
I'll look at this when I have a chance, and if I have any comments, you'll know.
Fine.
I caught you at the Garden.
Nice show.
Come on.
We're not gonna get any peace around here.
The coast is clear.
Jennifer, you okay in there? Fine, thanks.
I've done this before.
We'll meet you there, Your Honor.
- Hey, mama.
- Hey, kiss off.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I can fit all my toiletries in one handbag.
Sign here.
- Female.
- I agree.
No bet.
You know, it was all so simple in the '40s.
All clear.
Very nice.
Well, I never thought I was gonna say this to anyone, but would you care to join me? I'd be delighted.
Have fun, you two.
I knew you were gonna say that.
So.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? All right, autographs with pens, $ 10.
Personalized stationery, used tissue, that sort of thing strictly supply and demand.
Do I have an opening bid? So we didn't sneak off to the men's room to hold hands, did we? Jennifer.
- I like you a lot.
- I like you a lot.
But it's not that simple.
You're married, and you didn't tell me.
Something like that.
- I'm not married to another woman.
- Well, you don't mean No, no.
What I mean is I am married to an idea.
The idea of becoming the best judge that I can be.
But with all your fans, and the hoopla, the press, the attention You're dumping me, aren't you? - You're not mine to dump.
- I could be.
Jennifer.
You are the sweetest person I have met in a long, long time.
You can call it intuition, you can call it a gut feeling but I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on you.
And what makes it even more magical is that it was just a chance meeting.
Because if I had set out to look for someone it would have been someone just like you.
We want to be alone.
- Well, I guess that's that, huh? - Jennifer, I'd like to see you again.
- But - But it's hard right now.
I can't serve justice with all this happening around me, it's not possible.
I know.
Same thing happened with a man I met in Los Angeles.
He owned a crystal shop.
Twelve thousand in damages the first week.
- Jennifer.
- Being on the road so much it's hard to know anyone long enough to find out if there's even a possibility for a long-term relationship.
Sounds to me like you want a long-term relationship.
So sue me.
I'm a romantic.
Then you have some choices to make, don't you? Yeah.
I guess I do.
- You know that feeling I told you about? - The gut one? Yeah.
I got another one.
I know that somewhere, sometime we are gonna see each other again.
I feel it too.
- But.
- But? Next time, we meet in the ladies' lounge.
It's a better class of graffiti.
Sign where I've indicated.