Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e11 Episode Script

1
[LOUD CRUNCHING, LIPS SMACKING]
Oh, my gosh.
Are you eating shards of glass?
It's Crunch Berries. [SLURPS]
Well, could you please
chew them a little quieter
or add some marshmallows?
I'm working, and I really
need to concentrate.
Mm! Sorry, we're not all
environmental warriors
trying to save the world
every second of the day.
[GASPS] Neither are you!
What is this? [GROANS]
Green Swipe?
- "A dating app for earth lovers"?
- Yes.
- I want my lover to love her mother.
- Mmm.
After Charlotte, I don't want
to hide the real me anymore.
I want any potential ladies
to know the real Edward.
So I need this profile
to be the epitome of me.
You should consider it,
given the fact that you're always alone
and watching true crime and
eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
The drama's as spicy as the snack.
And I've been on apps.
They're not for me.
I mean, seriously, what do you
learn from somebody by asking them,
"What are your three items
you'd bring to a deserted island?"
That's dumb.
Where your priorities lie,
critical-thinking skills,
ability to analyze a disaster scenario?
Meh. That's all so complicated.
Oh, I'm just so glad I am not in a rush
to get into another relationship.
I'm just relieved to know
that your very arid dry spell's
a choice that you're making
instead of choice that
others are making for you.
I was beginning to think that
you might be a spinster, Nell.
How am I a spinster?
I don't have any cats.
Okay, I-I-I don't weave for a living.
And I-I-I I do play bingo,
but that's only if a
drag queen is calling it.
Hey!
Plus, I recently got out
of a very long relationship.
I guess maybe if you consider
the history of the cosmos,
it's recent.
Suck an egg, Edward.
I'm doing just fine.
♪♪
So, I've just been thinking,
it's time, you know?
I definitely needed
to take a little while
to get myself over Phillip,
but, honestly, he was the
last person I got naked with,
and that is just not okay anymore.
Ooh. So what is the plan?
- I'm gonna have a fling.
- [GASPS]
Well, I'm very supportive of you
getting out there and getting some.
You know, just, uh just be careful.
I mean, you just have
a history of falling
into relationships kind of fast.
Ohh! Which is a good thing.
It means you feel very big feelings.
I've just never known you
to just hook up with somebody
- and not get attached.
- Well, that was the old Nell.
This is the new Nell
"Playa' Nell." [CHUCKLES]
- Eh! I'm trying to get into it.
- Yeah.
Well, it's just gonna all
be about hot and steamy sex,
no strings, no baggage.
- Well, I am here for it.
- Mm-mm.
- Ooh, speaking of hot and steamy
- Oh.
the sexiest thing
happened last night.
So, Keith was making
dino nuggets for the kids,
and this huge fly landed on the counter.
- Uh-huh.
- And so he just Bap!
- Oh.
- Kicked the oven door closed with one leg
while holding a whole tray of hot nugs.
He then just killed the
fly with the other hand.
It was so hot.
Because you had sex after that?
Oh, God no. We were so exhausted,
we just fell asleep in separate rooms
- after we had put the kids down.
- Mm.
And now that I see
that look on your face,
I am really regretting sharing that.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
Just e-mailed you your next obit.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- BOTH: Oh. Oh.
- [DOG BARKS]
- A dog?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, I love this one.
Scout was a real hero.
He saved over 200 people
in his career as a search-and-rescue
dog. He even got a medal for it.
- [SCOUT WHINES]
- Oh.
Wow. I mean, all my rescue dog does
is run into screen doors
and bite my children.
I'm pretty sure Princess
Mango Chicken is a coyote.
- No.
- Yes.
- [SCOUT BARKS]
- [GASPS]
Oh, my God. Look at you.
[GASPS] Who's a cute,
little baby boy? Yes.
Look at that little jacket.
Who's a handsome boy?
Well, I guess that would be me.
And it's Banana Republic.
But, you know, I really think
they upped their game this season.
No. Oh, I was I was just watching,
like, an Instagram
video with a dog in it.
- Ah.
- [CHUCKLES] Not you, of course.
Uh, but I'm sure you do
real well on Instagram.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well, my makeup tutorial page
has gone viral a few times.
[LAUGHS] So I'm in the
presence of a celebrity?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, kinda.
Mm.
- I'm James.
- LEXI: Attention!
- Hi, James.
- Hi.
- I'm My name's Nell. I'm Nell.
- Announcement, everyone!
- Nell. Nice to meet you.
- Your leader has an announcement.
- Nice to meet you.
- James?
- That's me.
- Oh, yes.
I remember that from two seconds ago.
- [CHUCKLES]
- James?!
- I also have to go, too.
- Okay. Okay, after you.
Everyone, I would like
to introduce James Gorski.
- MAN: Hey.
- James is a war correspondent
who has done some freelance work
for the paper over the years.
And we are so excited to
have him back for a few days.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SIGHS] Now, that James
Gorski, he could kill a fly.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Girl, I'm gonna need you to raise the bar
- right up off the floor for me, please.
- While James is here,
we'll be launching a new on-air segment
with our local ABC News affiliate.
And as I have a minor in film studies,
and a major in talent,
I will be your director.
Or auteur, if you will.
Shh, Mason.
That's French for "Shh."
Thank you, everyone!
- [REPORTS MURMURING]
- So, uh, what about James, huh?
Could he be my fling?
Ooh, the world-traveling Casanova
whose schedule doesn't
allow for a relationship.
I would consider it a
betrayal if you didn't.
Okay, this is great. In and out,
no feelings, and then he's gone.
- Amazing.
- Mm!
- Byyye!
- Happy for us.
Lexi, I love the idea of
James doing on-air segments,
but he'll be gone soon.
And it'd be a shame if
we couldn't keep it up.
You know, unless we had a replacement.
Ah! I see what you're saying.
I need to find someone as
talented and charming as James.
Me! Uh [CLEARS THROAT]
I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]
I-I meant me.
Listen, in my second
year of journalism school,
we had to choose a track.
I wanted to do TV, but
my professor recommended
I do journalism, so that's what I did.
- Mm.
- But I always wondered
what would've happened if
I had chosen the other path?
This is my chance to find out.
Like Gwyneth Paltrow in "Sliding Doors,"
but with fewer turtlenecks.
Oh, that's beautiful. I always love
hearing about my employees' dreams.
- Thank you.
- Hello? Fake phone call
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- to get out of awkward situations?
Oh, hi! I was just going to call you!
- Oh, no, he's not getting in the elevator.
- Right.
Yes. Peas and carrots,
peas and carrots.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
Yeah.
"Rescued from the pound
at the last moment,
Scout went from the dog nobody wanted
to a decorated search-and-rescue dog
who was beloved by his handler
and the entire Pasadena community."
You like it?
[BARKS]
Nice.
You know, I love how
you reinvented yourself.
Yeah. It's very inspiring.
[WHINES]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
I'm gonna reinvent myself, too.
[EXHALES]
♪♪
Oh, no. Oh, no. What is happening?
Oh, God, we were so flirty,
and now I'm freezing.
♪♪
[BARKS]
Oh, okay.
♪♪
Man, you really are a rescue dog.
I'd give you a treat if I could.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, uh-oh.
Okay, I appreciate the suggestion,
but I think twerking might be
a little too forward. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, I Tha I
didn't mean that for you.
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪♪
Oh, hey. Hey.
There you are. I, um
I was worried you got lost.
I haven't seen you around all day.
Oh, you were looking for me, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
Are you gonna push the button?
Uh, yeah.
- I Is that how it works?
- Mm.
I've never actually ridden
in an elevator before.
[CHUCKLES] Well, you're
gonna be waiting a long time
unless you learn how to push the button.
Hm.
Here, I'll show you.
♪♪
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Oh, that was fast.
Which is out of character
for this elevator.
I'll keep that in mind.
♪♪
Should we push the button again?
- Well, that depends.
- Hm?
Are we still talking about elevators?
♪♪
[WHIMPERS]
[SIGHS]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi!
Hi?
- What are we doing?
- Well, there's a news update.
I'm not sure if you heard. [CHUCKLES]
But, um
- I got Gorski'd.
- [BARKS]
[GASPS] What are you gonna do next?
- Are you gonna see him again?
- I have no idea.
I didn't call him. We didn't text.
And I didn't skim his Instagram, so
Welcome to my renaissance.
Or re-Nell-aissance.
[BARKS]
Pretty good, right?
- I am genuinely so impressed with you right now.
- Mm.
I did not think that you were
capable of having a fling.
- And I am so happy I was wrong.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
Huh. James, uh, texted me eye emojis.
Wha What d What does that mean?
I It
It means he's got eyes on you.
And he's looking at you right now.
Oh, he did the thing with the eyebrows.
- And he is texting. He's texting.
- Hm.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Is he texting you? He's texting.
He wants to go out for drinks later.
Sure.
What. Ever.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
You are "whatevering" that?
I told you, I'm trying out a thing.
I wish I could have some of that
"sexy eyes, passionate sex
in the office" sex energy
that you and James have got going on.
Maybe you guys just need
to get out of the house
and away from the kids a bit, you know?
Oh, you and Keith can come and
have drinks with James and me.
No. You don't want some of
this boring marriage energy
all over your sexy non-date.
Come! [EXHALES SOFTLY]
You helped me get some.
Let me help you get some.
I mean, we have not been on a
grown-up night out in awhile.
- No dino nuggets.
- Oh.
No diaper bags.
Just the four of us
and whatever red wine.
Cricket's got a special on.
You know, if it does
not work out with Keith,
I'm genuinely coming for all of that.
There's a line, baby.
Get in line.
[BARKS]
So, I'm thinking that we push
in on James, à la Kubrick,
then we cut to a De
Palma-esque low POV
wide angle, of course.
I'm thinking 40 millimeter lens.
Boom. Stool explodes,
giant popcorn everywhere.
You're going to be
shooting this on your phone.
Guerilla style, like
Scorsese's "Mean Streets."
- I can work with that.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Great.
Knock, knock! [LAUGHS]
- That's just a little mime work.
- Okay.
Not sure if you guys are familiar.
Ooh, those bags are
Listen, I know you
think I might not be able
to be an on-air personality
once James leaves.
But allow me to change your mind.
- Oh, boy.
- Good evening.
In a sleepy cul-de-sac in Altadena,
there sits a cat
Dennis, I already told you.
with no tags and no collar,
just a cute face and a single whisker.
A local southbound train just
crashed into an oil tanker.
Go.
I'm I'm sorry. What?
If you want to be an
on-air personality,
you have to be ready for anything.
Now, come on, Dennis. There's
bodies, there's oil, there's feathers.
Where Where did
the feathers come from?
I don't know. You tell me.
I mean, you're on the scene.
Yes, okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, this just in from downtown
a collision between a
train and an oil tanker
and a chicken.
Hot Dog Hut just had
a Listeria outbreak,
and people are
defecating in the streets.
Oh! This just in from,
uh, uh, Northern Hollywood.
There's all kinds of
slippery situation there
between people and their
- Uh-oh, earthquake!
- Uh, yes.
Breaking, a 6.2 earthquake
with an epicenter at chicken
D-Damn it!
- [SIGHS]
- [SIGHS]
Bro. Big yikes.
Double yikes.
Thank you for your time.
♪♪
EDWARD: Why do these dating apps
put a word limit on their prompts?
It's asking, do you like sushi?
[SIGHS] Yeah, but I need to be thorough.
There's a lot of
different kinds of sushi.
You know, there's nigiri,
there's sashimi, there's chirashi.
- Do they put vinegar in the rice?
- Mm-hmm.
I also would like to share
my opinions on imitation crab.
News flash They're negative.
Don't you want to leave just
a little something for mystery?
Hey, Cricket. Could I
grab a few more candles?
- I just want to set the mood.
- See?
- Now, this this is how romance is done.
- Mnh!
Nell is gonna go out
there with that Adonis,
and they're gonna look in each
other's eyes and drink some wine
and peel back the layers in real time.
Oh, no. This is not actually a date.
No layers to peel.
I'm just trying to get Sam
to have sex with her husband.
You know, there's an app for that.
[LAUGHTER]
Wait, wait, so so
how old are your kids?
Oh, they're
- No, we are not gonna talk about kids tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, thank you so much.
- Ah.
Why don't you, um, tell them about
one of your reportings from, like,
an erupting volcano or something.
Ah, well, actually, I did do that.
- What?
- Yeah. No, Fiji 2021.
You guys, remember? I actually, um
I had to get choppered
out of that thing.
Huh. We have very similar lives.
- Yeah?
- We've seen "Moana" like 37 times.
The songs are on a
constant loop in my mind.
No, no. No, no.
"Moana" is not welcome
here. We're adults.
Come on, pick up your glasses.
- Yay! Cheers!
- [GLASSES CLINK]
NELL: Oh, no, no, no, no. No.
We're adults having a sexy time.
W-We cut our own food. Cheers!
- [GLASSES CLINK]
- [BOTH YAWN]
Oh, no. No, no.
No yawning. More wine.
Come on. Cheers!
[GLASSES CLINK]
You look really beautiful
in all this candlelight.
You know, we haven't lit a
candle in a very long time.
Oh. Open flames around children
So dangerous.
[CELLPHONES CHIMING]
- Oh, no.
- Oh
You've gotta be kidding me.
- What?
- Tilly got her hand stuck in the toilet again.
- What?
- This keeps happening.
I don't know what she's looking for.
No, no, no, no! Stay!
She's in a safe place, and
she has plenty of water!
I just wanted to say, I
don't think men should be
afraid to compliment other men.
- You're very handsome.
- He's very handsome.
- Okay, let's go.
- JAMES: Thank you.
- KEITH: Such a pleasure.
- Well, that was a total bust.
Oh, I don't know. I
had a pretty good time.
Yeah. No, yeah, for sure, of course.
It just Meh.
Oh! So, do want to, I don't know,
go make out in the ladies room?
- [CHUCKLES]
- Or we could go back to your hotel room.
Or we could, um, stay here and talk.
Get to know each other better.
It's pretty beautiful out right now.
Is it? I mean
These, like, metal
chairs get really cold.
And the smell from the trash
in the alley, it's really funky.
Look, I know it's only been a minute.
I mean, I don't know
if it's all this wine
or this super sweet playlist, but, um
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I like you, Nell.
I think we have a connection.
Like a parts-to-parts connection?
[CHUCKLES] No, like a real one.
Oh.
No, something definitely smells bad.
So, James wanted more. How
did you break it to him?
NELL: Oh. [SCOFFS] Well, you know,
as a mature and healthy woman,
I told him that we were
just in different places,
and although I've enjoyed his company,
I just don't share his feelings.
- Wow, really?
- No.
I faked having a bad
reaction to the cheese plate,
and I got the hell out of there.
- Ah, there she is.
- That tracks.
He was supposed to be just,
like, a fun thing, you know?
And I almost got out clean,
and then he suddenly, you know,
started "feeling something."
You know, I feel like
the gravitational pull
of our unsexiness just
was way too strong,
and we just sucked James into
our boring domestic orbit.
Wow, you're making a great
case for being a parent.
It's fine. You know, just 18
years of celibacy, per kid.
[SCOUT BARKS]
- Oh, no.
- SAM: What?
- He's putting flowers on my desk.
- [GASPS]
Looks like you broke James Gorski.
- Oof.
- Okay, so, um
- [SCOUT WHINES]
- the obvious solution here
is that I'm going to live in this office
until James leaves town
and stop texting him
until he eventually gives up.
- Right?
- [BARKS]
Fine, I'll go talk to him.
Uh, no, I was gonna say
you can sleep under the desk
and pee in the trash as long
as you empty it in the morning.
But, no, sure, go be an adult.
So I went back and
forth about the flowers.
But then I realized
that going back and forth
about the flowers meant that I cared.
And so I just I-I bought 'em
to show that I don't I don't care.
[CHUCKLES] So here we are.
Aw, James Gorski.
Uh-oh. I got full-named.
That's not good.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to have fun and get
myself back out there for a second,
and, please, please, don't take
this the wrong way, but I
I thought that you'd be
the perfect guy for it.
No, I get it. I-I get it.
I'm single. I travel for work.
My eyes naturally sparkle.
- They do.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
But, um [SCOFFS]
honestly, I think
I'm getting tired of it.
You know, moving around
from places and people,
never having anything to hold onto.
I don't know, it made
me think maybe I
want someone that I could, you know,
watch "Moana" 37 times with.
[CHUCKLES]
Ironically, I am the queen of
those kind of relationships.
- Mm.
- Yeah, my last one with Phillip,
I was all in, until I wasn't.
And, I mean, in normal circumstances,
you are you're probably my type.
- You know
- Oh.
you're amazing and beautiful
and very, very tall.
And we have chemistry.
But you're just not feeling it?
I mean, honestly, I'm not feeling
much of anything these days.
Hmm.
Uh, wow. So I should, um,
I should probably take
a closer look at that.
No, don't. I totally get it.
I've been there, not feeling things.
- Huh.
- [CHUCKLES]
If If I can give you
a little bit of advice?
♪♪
Don't stay there too long.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I'll try not to.
Good.
Okay.
Alright, uh
It was great meeting you.
- Same.
- I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
Um, but don't you watch me walk away,
'cause you haven't earned that at all.
- Oh!
- Okay? You haven't.
Today was leg day, too, so
♪♪
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
♪♪
EDWARD: Nell, I got one match.
I am so sorry.
No, it's great.
She's a social activist/
video game designer
with a lot of opinions on sushi,
which she wants to discuss with me,
incidentally, over Italian food.
That's great.
I'm really happy for you, Edward.
[SYML'S "WHERE'S MY LOVE" PLAYS]
Ooh, does she know
that we bleed the same? ♪
Well, I guess this is our final walk
before you chase that giant
tennis ball in the sky.
So, go ahead, do what you want.
Lift that little ghost leg
up on anything you like.
I'm gonna miss you.
You're a good little wingman.
Easy to talk to, you give
excellent flirting advice.
Where's my love? ♪
I just wish you can
stick around long enough
to help me figure out why I haven't
felt anything for anyone in so long.
But I guess you can only
do so much rescuing, huh?
[WHIMPERS]
Ooh, don't wanna cry,
but I break that way ♪
Oh.
I guess we're walking.
♪♪
- Hey! Hey, buddy.
- If you ran away ♪
I I don't think any of
these restaurants are open.
I guess I can buy you a
steak and let you smell it.
Hey!
Just come home ♪
♪♪
Phillip?
♪♪
Oh, I felt that.
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
No, we don't want to miss
out on this opportunity.
We have a replacement
coming in right this
He's here now. He's here now.
Um, uh, okay. What What is happening?
James left. Apparently, he had
some war to go to or something.
- So today is your lucky day.
- Uh, okay.
Oh. O-kay.
Um, how long do I have?
And we're live in three
- Smile
- two
Joining us now, an editor
with the SoCal Independent,
Dennis Simbeaux-Jones.
Dennis, do you think the rise
in oil prices around the globe
will blunt consumer confidence
here in this country?
[WHISPERING] Dennis, say something.
- Say anything.
- Um, yes, great question.
Uh, "blunt" makes me
think of Emily Blunt,
which makes me think of
"The Devil Wears Prada."
L-Let me get this straight.
Did you just compare the
rise of crude oil prices
to an Anne Hathaway film?
In fact, Colleen, I did.
Just as Ms. Hathaway's Andy
does not understand
how Oscar de la Renta's
choice of cerulean in 2002
leads her to wearing
a lumpy blue sweater
four years later, neither
does the average consumer
understand how market
trends at the global level
affect what they're paying at the pump.
There you have it.
Dennis Simbeaux-Jones,
an editor with the SoCal Independent.
Thoughtful, enigmatic, relatable.
You have certainly given
us food for thought.
Will you be joining us next week?
I certainly will, Colleen.
And we're clear. [CHUCKLES]
Wow, Dennis, I had no idea
you could be so confident under fire.
[CHUCKLES]
I did.