Package Deal (2013) s01e11 Episode Script

Great.
Now just julienne those.
That means cut them into really thin str For the third time, I know.
And yet, this is what you give me.
How are these carrots? Ah.
Perfect.
Delicate.
Dainty, elegant.
You can tell a man cut these.
I have to say, seeing you so upbeat and confident is really annoying.
Well, thank you, Kim, but my therapist gets all the credit.
I mean, thanks to Sydney, I'm finally over my orbitagoraphobia.
Which is? My surprisingly common fear of revolving doors.
Because of her, I may actually use one some day.
- Really? - No.
Let's be honest they are death-traps.
Well That party was a total pooch-screw.
And not the good kind.
You plan kids' parties.
What could've possibly gone wrong this time? Well, if I had to guess, things really went off the rails when the kids found the dead rabbit in the magician's hat.
Might not have been so bad, if the stampede of crying children didn't lead to a fire.
Hey, uh, listen, Danny, do you think you could hand out my business cards to your friends down at the courthouse? Unfortunately, most of my colleagues aren't in the market for housefires.
Come on, Danny, huh? Business has been slow ever since the rabies incident.
All right.
I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Wait a second.
Sheldon, these are just your casket business cards with "caskets" scratched out and "kids' party-planner" written in.
It makes it look like you bury children.
Well, if you want to pony up 10 bucks for 3,000 new business cards, be my guest.
Your Honor, clearly, the prosecution has failed to make their case.
I move for an immediate dismissal and, might I add, I sincerely apologize once again for dinging your new Jaguar.
It's not new anymore, is it? But that, of course, has nothing to do with this case.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Motion denied.
If you'd like to write up an appeal, I'll consider it while I drive home in the wreck that was once my beautiful car.
Not that it matters, but he bought it used.
Well, I always told you, never leave a note.
It's a matter of integrity, Sheldon.
Plus, there are security cameras in the parking lot.
Well, anyways, any luck drumming up business for your favorite brother? Oh, yeah, about that.
No one needs any kids' parties, and I asked everyone.
You didn't ask me! And I have an eight-year-old with a birthday this weekend.
You do? W well, that that's great! So, I guess you're fine with smashing my car, but when it comes to a great party-planner, you keep that to yourself.
I do not understand you, Mr.
White.
I'm sorry, Judge.
I just never pictured you with children.
Why? You don't think I could be a good father, just because I like to try kids as adults? Uh, Sheldon's Party Planning at your service.
The weekend's short notice Good point, Sheldon! You know, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
Well, I'm sure I can whip something together for you, real nice.
Great! You're hired.
Thanks, Judge.
I'm going to give your Tyke the best birthday party he's ever had.
Or maybe something that's just average, but safe.
Has he always been such a wet blanket? Pretty much.
Well, if anything goes wrong, I'll know who to blame.
So, in the dream, Alison was this beautiful gazelle, and her boyfriend was a strong, confident hunter.
And what were you? Oh, I wasn't in it.
Huh.
I wasn't in my own dream.
Is that normal? Ryan, I think we should try something new.
Something a little more personal, and really get to the root of the problem.
One-on-one.
Are you scared? Well, that, or excited.
I find the two very difficult to tell apart.
Okay.
Great.
Let's role play.
Oh! Okay, um, but can I be somebody cool, like Bono, or that barista I sometimes see with a tattoo? He's bad-ass! You're going to be you, and I'm gonna be Alison.
I really think it should be Alison and that barista.
He just seems like a man who plays by his own rules.
No! Okay.
I'm going to start.
Ryan, we need to talk.
Okay, let me stop you right there.
Alison rarely talked directly to me.
Um, she also never used my name.
You sad little man.
Much better! Don't let me talk to you like that! Okay, pretend that it's our anniversary and I stood you up.
Alison This is unacceptable, and I feel like this simply would not happen if you just gave me your cell phone number.
No! Let me have it! I've cheated on you.
I just got back from a wild night, getting pounded like a meat patty! Okay, um How could you do that to me? Is it because I didn't satisfy you? Because, if so I can totally change.
And not even just my behavior.
If there's anything physical you don't like, I will get surgery.
Oh, I'm starting to take Alison's side.
I mean, she ruined your life.
You've never told her how you feel.
You deserve better! Tell her! Tell her! You cold-hearted bitch! I'm not gonna let you push me around anymore! You act so tough, but you're just a scared little girl, aren't you? Just a scared, dirty little girl! You may have the fancy degree and all the money, but we both know, deep down, you're nothing but a two-bit, two-dollar whore! Wow! I am so turned on right now.
Oh, Alison would never say that.
- Who's talking about Alison? - What? I Alison who? See, the pattern of the tea leaves tells me you're going to have a very long life.
So, go ahead! Jump the Grand Canyon.
And don't even bother with the helmet.
What do you think you're doing? Reading tea leaves for 10 bucks a pop.
Since when do you know how to read tea leaves? Since I read this.
It's been on the shelf here forever.
Ahh! See? I told you we had good books in here.
Ah, my phone died.
Well, just don't scare off any customers with gloom and doom predictions.
Relax! So far, everything's been annoyingly upbeat.
You'll fall in love with a tall, dark stranger.
Oh, wait.
I read that wrong.
It's "strangler.
" But I can see by your leaves, you're into kinky stuff.
Congratulations! One vanilla chamomile.
Straight up.
Wow.
Hitting the hard stuff? I'm just worried about Sheldon doing Judge Jones' party.
I mean, the guy already hates me.
I told you not to leave a note.
In the last month, Sheldon has lost two snakes, exploded a helium tank, and slept with three moms.
Two of them at once.
Oh, no! The customer who drank from this cup has a fate worse than death awaiting them.
That's my cup! Oh, this is yours? You owe me $10.
Good news! I just locked in the best magician in the city for this party.
That's great, but I thought you said he wasn't available.
Well, no, we're in luck.
He's out on parole.
I just hope he doesn't make the judge's silverware disappear.
Sheldon, just remember, okay, this kid is very high-maintenance.
He's got asthma, he's got a nervous bladder, and he's allergic to peanuts.
That can be really serious.
I guess I better cancel that peanut tower I ordered.
Ah, he's got fingers, he can pick 'em out.
We'll make it a game.
Okay, this is bad.
Real bad.
Wh what's wrong? I just made out with my therapist.
Sydney? She's way out of your league.
Actually, for me, the issue was more that she's my therapist, but thank you, Kim.
I'm proud of you.
How was it? It was awful.
I mean, making out with your hot therapist on her desk while her patients wait outside in the middle of the afternoon? Okay, it was pretty great.
I can't believe this.
She is so far out of your league! We get it, Kim.
Well, I'm just happy to see that all your years of therapy are finally paying off.
Yes! But what now? I mean, is she my therapist? Is she my girlfriend? I am so confused! And aroused.
And it says here you'll be winning $20 soon.
By the way, that'll be $10.
Nikki Hey, about that whole "fate worse than death" thing.
You were just messing with me, right? Absolutely.
You're not driving home tonight, are you? Here, just try again.
Tell me what you see in those.
Good idea.
I probably didn't even read it right.
Santa Maria! I really should get back to work.
Nikki! Okay, relax.
We both know I can't tell the future.
I thought that woman was gonna be reunited with the love of her life.
Richard? I thought you were dead! Oh! I missed you so much! Hey, can you give me a ride a home? Maybe you should take the bus.
Danny, don't overreact.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Overreact about what? Look, my magician is slightly delayed.
There was a little hiccup with the drug test, but it's gonna be fine.
Actually, Sheldon, you're right.
It is gonna be fine, because thankfully, I believe in backup plans.
Ta-dah! The "Amazing Andy" at your service.
Here's my card.
The three of clubs? Oops, sorry.
That's your card.
Ta-dah! But I haven't picked a card yet.
Oh, you will.
I'm that good.
What have you done? I was just taking precautions.
In other words, you didn't trust me, huh? I made one call.
The Amazing Andy! Oh, I know who he is.
And he's got an amazing temper.
Apparently, he once slapped a kid for not picking the right card.
Son of a bitch! Okay, well, if your guy shows up, I'll just pay him double.
And gently send him home.
The Amazing Andy? That's my magician.
Magic Melvin? You're out of jail? I told you to stay off the East Side.
This is my turf! What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Watch yourself.
Break it up! So So.
What's new? Well, uh, let's see.
I bought a ficus.
I painted the guest room.
Oh, and I kissed my new therapist.
That's never happened before.
So, the guest room, did you go with the wedgewood blue, like we discussed? Seriously? Ryan, what you think happened didn't happen.
Oh.
So I need more therapy than I thought? No, it happened, it just shouldn't have happened.
It was a mistake.
So kissing me was a mistake? I'd prefer to call it an extreme case of emotional transference.
So we should never talk about it again? Please.
Tell me about your ficus.
Interesting story.
I was looking for a festive plant Sydney? Sydney? What's wrong? I'm in love with you.
What? Oh this is confusing.
No one's ever kissed me like that before.
But I thought that didn't happen.
Oh, it happened.
It was like your tongue entered my soul.
What are you saying? I can't stop thinking about you.
I want more.
Really? Well, I I guess we could make out on the couch for a while, but I'm confused, am I still paying for this session? No, you don't understand.
If we're going to be together, I can't be your therapist anymore.
Dammit! There's always a catch.
Ryan? What do you say? Give me up as your therapist, and we can get out of here right now, and we can do whatever we want to each other, forever.
Ryan? I'm thinking! I'm thinking.
Aww.
What were the choices again? Nice goin', Houdini.
I'm gonna kill you! Well, way to go, Danny, you just made two magicians disappear.
What are we going to do? I can't hear myself think over these damn kids.
What are you doing here? Helping out my brother.
You have a really nice house.
Where'd you park? Way down the street.
Good.
When's the show gonna start? Oh, don't worry.
No.
We are just moments away.
You'd better be.
The kid had to have his birthday on the week that I have custody.
This party sucks.
I'm outta here.
What? You can't leave! What about the judge? Well, he can go ahead and sue me.
You know, that's the beauty of incorporating in Taiwan.
Oh, come on, Sheldon, I need you.
Well, maybe you should've thought of that before you stabbed me in the back.
You're right.
I should have trusted you.
Sheldon, please, you've got to help me.
Okay.
Fine.
You're a jerk, but I forgive you.
I'll, uh, I'll make some calls.
Thank you.
But first, we're gonna try and stall those kids.
How? They already went through their goodie bags and ate most of the cake.
"Happy Birthday Kid"? So? I forgot his name.
But those are the best cakes money can buy.
The kids love 'em.
Listen they're all squirrelly on sugar.
Or they're drunk! "Deluxe double-rum cake?" Come on, I mean, seriously, how much booze can there be in one of these things? Some kids can't hold their cake.
Oh! Thank God, you're here.
Did you bring the candy? This should buy us some time.
Look, that better not be your health-food candy, Kim! We don't have time for your games.
I don't get it, it's just a bunch of brats.
How bad can it be? Pretty bad.
It's like the "Walking Dead.
" Get back, hell-spawn! Well, that's it.
I'm getting my tubes tied.
Don't worry.
Pretty sure all my sperm just committed suicide.
Ooh! Nice pipe.
You think he'd miss it? Nikki! - Please! - Wait a minute.
Looks like I've got a back-up, but he can't be here for 20 minutes.
We've got biters out there! What is going on? These kids are getting restless.
If I didn't know better, I'd say some of them are drunk! Drunk kids? Good one, Judge.
That would be funny.
Listen.
Just relax there, Judge.
Take a seat.
Have a shot of cake.
The show is about to begin.
What are you doing? We don't have a show.
Wait a minute.
I think I might have another idea.
Do any of you ladies know anything about entertaining children? I do.
Other than "Spin the bottle.
" Oh.
No.
Well, um, I used to date a mime.
Really? What happened? Ah You drove him to drink, huh? Shocking.
Come on! You're in.
- Kim! - Ah! Oh, look.
She's walking a mime dog.
Not bad! Good lord! Those children are monsters! That poor dog! - Gah! - Let me in! This is what I saw in her tea leaves! I guess those are the angry dwarves.
Get her out of there! Danny, wait.
It's no use.
You can't help her now.
She's as good as dead.
We've got to move on! But, on the up-side, you're probably single again.
See? This is nice.
Totally.
I mean, can you believe, just a few short hours ago, you were my doctor? And you were my incurable patient.
Well, I prefer "long-term.
" And now, we're just two people on a date.
To new beginnings.
Oh, before I forget.
I had another really interesting dream last night.
Now, this one I was in, but I had no fingers.
What does that mean? You had no fingers? No.
You know, I'm not gonna talk shop.
I am not your therapist anymore.
Right.
But, as my date, how bad is the no-finger thing? Ryan, I know all about your neuroses.
Tell me about the real you.
Oh.
Well.
Um That's pretty much it, actually.
What about you? I thought I saw a guy in your waiting room eating pennies.
What's his deal? He's out of his mind.
But I can't talk about that.
Patient-doctor confidentiality.
So.
I really like mid-century modern architecture, don't you? Hate it.
We made a huge mistake, didn't we? I was just going to say that.
I know, right? What were we thinking? I was just so turned on by the way you stood up to me in our session.
But that's the thing! That is so out of character for me.
I should have known.
I mean, you're afraid of revolving doors.
You said that was common.
Oh.
It is.
I've got to say, this is a big relief.
I mean, we can finally stop worrying about dating and put another appointment on the books for next week.
Ryan, I clearly can't be your therapist anymore.
I'm too emotionally involved.
I think I should take a break from conventional therapy for awhile.
- What? - Yeah.
I was down at the tea shop this morning and there was a woman in there reading tea leaves.
She told me I have a new and exciting career in my future.
She really seemed to know what she was talking about.
Wow.
This is so sudden.
I'm sorry.
I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you.
Well Do you think maybe "Alison" and I could have one last moment together? Sure.
Now sit up straight! I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
Is that little boy I kicked okay? Did they find his tooth? No, but it wasn't a complete disaster.
I grabbed some kid's ritalin.
Looks like my weekend just got interesting.
What are we going to do? I guess I could flash them.
That's not going to work twice, Nikki.
Well, I guess you can say goodbye to my law career.
And my condo.
And probably my hot girlfriend.
Kim? Hey, wait a minute! I think that's my guy.
We might pull this off yet, buddy.
But I need you to help me.
Absolutely.
Anything.
Uh, Sheldon? I changed my mind.
I don't want to do this.
Oh, come on, relax.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Wait a minute! You're the one throwing the knives? Well, yeah.
We could get the knife-thrower guy, too, but that'd be an extra 50 bucks.
What? Should we put a towel down for the blood? Come on, you think the guys that do this for a living are PhDs? I mean, how hard can it be? You can't even hold your fork properly! Uh, I'm not throwing forks.
Why don't we use spoons? Come on.
You're my brother.
You think I'd do this if I wasn't sure? Huh? Trust me.
All right, Sheldon.
I do.
Are you crazy? It's okay, Kim.
I trust Sheldon.
I should have all along.
Thanks, bro.
Oh, I can't watch.
Don't worry, I'm filming it.
Ladies and gentlemen I love you! the wheel of doom! Oh! You're alive.
Oh, and intact.
Barely.
Man, I bet your thing turtled.
Wait a minute.
I only had three of these.
Those little bastards.
Your Honor I I just wanted to say, about the birthday party I know things didn't go exactly as planned.
Really? My kid loved it.
With all his allergies, everybody treats him like he's frail.
For the first time, he felt like a normal kid.
Let's see my ex-wife top that.
Yeah, you put her in her place.
Hey, it's the mother of my child you're talking about.
Of course it is.
So are we good about your Jaguar? It's just a car.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Be seated.
Proceed with your closing remarks.
Your Honor Guilty! Next case! What? Someone took my pipe from my study.