Perfect Couples s01e11 Episode Script

If there is anyone who objects to this union Let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
- Amy.
Amy, it's Tommy, your first love.
Do not marry this man! okay, people, What did we do wrong there? Thank you, Tommy.
Now, in 24 hours, This wedding will be real.
And in the event of an ex-lover showing up, You need to remember the drill--Rex.
- I subdue the lover.
- Dave.
- I subdue Vance.
- Julia? - I step in front of the bride, In case he has a gun.
- All right, up next, shouting drunk uncle.
Now, those of us of color or non-christian faiths Will feel attacked.
- Then we'll practice protocols For "maid of honor falls off stage, "maid of honor nipple slip, "maid of honor sits in chocolate fountain, Maid of honor"-- - hey! I will not be singled out.
- Belligerent maid of honor-- commence protocol.
This is not a drill.
- Sorry, honey.
Come with me.
Perfect Couples Season 1, Episode 11 "Perfect Wedding" My last night as a single man, Dave.
I'm glad I'm spending it with you.
- Me too, buddy.
- Are you going to be wearing your socks all night? It's a little distancing.
- My feet get cold.
Don't read too much into it.
Excuse me.
What are you doing here? You can't see the groom.
- Is Vance gonna screw me over? - What? - He's been giving me some really weird signals.
At dinner, he laughed way too hard at your joke.
- Well, Amy's gonna look great in her wedding dress tomorrow.
And I hope Vance looks good in a sombrero, Because you know he's running off to mexico.
- Running off! Somebody take my sombrero! - Look, I do not want to be left at the altar.
And it's not just because of my pride.
I have cousins.
They will kill him.
The will shoot him dead.
You know Vance better than anyone.
Will he step up for me? Yes.
Oh, yes.
I guarantee it.
Okay.
Well, I better be getting back.
Julia thinks I'm in the bathroom.
She's blubbering her way through dirty dancing.
Not a pretty crier, bless her heart.
- No, she's not.
You did it, baby.
You did it! - Okay.
And don't sweat Vance laughing at my joke like that.
The way I leaned into sombrero, poor guy never had a chance.
Okay.
- Hi.
Hey, everyone.
Hi.
Can I have your attention? that was "fun" Leigh.
Say good-bye to her.
We have a wedding to do.
It's go time.
I want those chairs moved up.
I want softer lighting, and You back there.
Yes, you.
That flower arrangement is out of balance.
Better.
- Uh, so let's talk toast.
How you feeling about yours, okay? - Uh, more than okay.
How about you? - I mean, not that it's a competition, But I'm gonna do very well.
There's a lot of older ladies coming tonight.
That's my demo.
I'm like Tom Jones-- I go sexual, But in a safe way.
- Good.
I am going to rely on my material.
I'm going with the Vance and Amy meeting story.
- What? No.
I'm gonna do that one.
I've been wanting to do-- it's gonna be hilarious.
- Well, then I'll just be hilarious.
Why don't you go with something serious? - Well, for the same reason that austrian kings Did ask mozart to make shoes.
When you have a gift, you bless people with it.
- Okay, I see a best man and a maid of honor, But no Vance and Amy.
These are high-flight-risk "B" and "G"s.
- "B" and "G"s being "bride" and "groom.
" She doesn't have time to say it.
- Be on them.
You need to be up in their jocks.
You need to be up in his jock.
Up in her jock.
You need to be - You know, living with Rex, I think you think That people use the term "up in jocks" more than they do.
- Uh-oh, pensive groom looking out window.
Dave, what's the Vance plan? - He's gonna want to go deep.
He's gonna want to talk himself out of this thing.
I'm not gonna let him.
I'm just gonna keep things nice and light, okay? - Let's go down to the basement.
The mexican basement, for sombreros! You're the best, man! - Stay in there.
- Vance, look, buddy, One thing that wasn't covered in the rehearsal, And I didn't want to slow down the train, But what exactly is my role in the wedding? - What do you mean? - You're the groom.
Dave's the best man.
What's my thing? - You're Rex.
You're the good friend.
- If I don't have a duty, won't it be weird When I'm standing at the altar or walking down the aisle? - You're not gonna do that.
- But I want to.
- I love you, buddy, But we're not having a wedding party.
You know, all the spots are taken.
- Make new spots.
- It's kind of what it is.
- Well, make it different.
- Hi, y'all.
- Oh, I should have been famous.
It suits me.
I crave the attention, And I already feel I'm above the law.
Hey, bobie! - I will not calm down! - Uh-oh.
I think cousin dina has had too much to drink.
If I'm stuck at the singles' table Watching happy couples dancing, I am going to lose it.
- Excuse me.
This is gonna sound corny, But I noticed you across the room, And I have this overwhelming desire To get to know you.
- Okay.
- Isn't he great? I hired him.
He's one of the finest calmers in the business.
I use him for all my weddings.
So bride seems great.
Where's the groom? - Bathroom.
- In which stall? Doing what? Yes, I'm asking that.
On his jock! - On his jock.
- There he is.
- It's so small in there.
I felt trapped.
It's like I was in a box.
A day like today makes you ask some big questions.
There's so much on the li-- - Excuse me, this is gonna sound corny, But I noticed you from across the room, And I was hoping-- - okay, thanks.
I got it.
- Oh, okay.
- Vance I wanted to go over some wedding details with you.
- Reverend Ann-- Amy's choice.
She's heterosexual.
Where's the statement? - Oh, Dave, you remember Amy's aunt Bobie.
- Of course.
I'm telling you, if I was a little bit younger My crowd.
Now, why would you deprive this lovely lady The pleasure of a yarn well-spun? Let me tell my story.
You know what? I'm not giving up on this.
I'm telling my story.
- You should.
It'll go over great Right after everyone's heard me tell it.
Looks like the maid of honor gets to go first.
Your program, sir.
- Maybe she is.
Maybe she isn't.
Would you like to hear a story, Bobie? - Yes.
- Hey, you guys want to hear a story? That's when she realized it was Vance! Isn't that a great story? Tell people.
I want it to go viral.
- So once I'm done with my remarks, That's when you'll do your vows.
So any questions? - There are so many thoughts and emotions I need to express.
The enormity of this day-- two people together forever.
And I'm no fool.
Like, I know time doesn't exist, But my experience of life as a perceived objective reality-- - It'll be okay.
- Who needed the water? - Oh, just put it in the bowl.
- Oh, what's he doing here? - Little Vance is the ring bearer.
- Oh, that is so cute.
- Aw.
- So let me get this straight.
The dog is in the wedding, and I'm not? I'm not a sensitive guy.
The way I look on the outside is how I feel inside.
It's good.
But this This is a slap in the face.
You know what? I don't want to be in this wedding.
- Damn it, the flower girl is sick.
- I want in.
- What? - There's an opening.
I want in.
- You want to be - Flower man, yes.
- Yeah.
That was a long talk with the minister.
- It was great, Dave.
She really straightened me out.
- I want you to have the full old-school barber experience.
Uh, what have you missed? These places have a ton of '70s playboys, Which they really want you to read--I know.
excuse me.
Hey, Amy, what's up? - Dave, I am about to step into my dress.
But before I do, I need to know-- Is Vance okay? This is serious, Dave.
I am holding my breasts.
- Oh, well Put them where they need to be, 'cause Vance is in.
You do not have to worry about him.
Okay.
thank you.
I got to tell you, buddy, I was kind of worried About how you were gonna handle this, But I am impressed, man.
You're a rock.
- The wedding's off, Dave.
I'm in love with the minister.
- What's that, now? The minister, you said? - Amidst our spiritual counseling, The dam of my emotions broke wide open.
I mean, her touch is kinetic, Dave.
It is so powerfully calming.
Reverend Ann is the woman for me.
- You know what this is, right? You're like a kid who doesn't want to take a test, So you pull the fire alarm.
The difference is, That kid gets suspended from class, You will get shot by Amy's mountain people.
- The die is cast, Dave.
- Really? Are you sure? Did Reverend Ann return your affections? - I haven't asked.
You know, I feel I owe it to Amy To close that door before I enter another.
- That's classy of you.
- I hear your cynicism, But what if this is the greatest love story ever told? What if 50 years from now you, me, and our ladies, We're sitting around a thanksgiving table, And we're trying to remember-- what was the name of that woman That I almost married the day I met Reverend Ann? - Sorry I'm late.
I was practicing my role in the wedding.
Oh, you didn't hear? I'm flower man.
I brought the girls a bottle of water, And they were, like-- - not now, buddy.
- Oh, I see, just 'cause I'm replacing A six-year-old girl with double pinkeye, I don't rate? - Just really not the time.
- It's never the time For Rex and his feelings! I am tired of being the third wheel around here.
I mean, I get that you guys have been buds Since you were kids, But, Vance, I've known you for ten years.
When does the asterisk come off? - Listen, buddy, you are flower man for a union That is lost to history.
You're like a czar.
- You're like a czar! - It's a very stressful day! Can we all just take a breath? - I am in love with the minister, Rex.
I need to go tell Amy.
- Where are you going? Where are you going? here comes the bride! - Hon, you look beautiful.
- You really do.
It's just - Julia, don't.
this is the ugly crier.
Oh.
- I need to talk to Amy.
Amy, I'm-- - How you feeling, buddy? I'm in some pain.
listen, I think that telling Amy You're in love with another woman Seems like the wrong move today.
- yeah.
- I might not even be in love with the minister.
It might be that she's nice.
Or it might have been the novelty Of a short-haired chick.
- Well, good.
Hey, you figured out the problem, but Okay, well, we have a new problem.
Amy's ready to bolt.
I had to vouch for you Before she would load her boobs into her dress.
- Sometimes they build the bra Into the foundation of the dress.
- What do we do now? - You're just gonna get up And walk over to her.
Be real calm.
- Calm.
- Make her feel secure.
- Yeah, secure.
- Then walk away.
- Okay.
Let's go! - The guys didn't want me to see you in your wedding dress, But I couldn't wait to tell you that I love you.
- I love you too.
- I'll see you soon.
Thank you, Dave.
And, Rex, I'm happy you're my flower man.
- Okay, one hour till the wedding--let's go.
- This is It's starting to feel Very real.
- Do you want me to give you The thing you told me not to give you? - Hey.
- Amy's ready.
How's Vance doing? - He's in there.
This is great.
I'm excited.
This reminds me of our wedding, baby My love Mwah, my partner.
- So how many people did you tell my story to? - All of them.
It's ruined.
Ah, I am so sorry.
That was very petty of me, I will admit.
Do you need help with your new speech? - I actually thought of a great idea.
You know how letterman does that top-ten list? Well, I'm gonna do it for Vance and Amy.
- Okay, please don't try to execute original comic material.
You don't know boundaries.
Your stuff plays harsh.
- Don't be a pansy.
- See, right there.
No one's laughing.
That's just mean.
What's the list? - The top ten reasons why Vance and Amy Shouldn't have gotten married.
- Dear God.
- It's not harsh.
It's funny.
Come on, I'll show you.
Where's my list? - Number two, "they hate each other"? - Hi.
I need a ticket for the next flight out of here.
I'll go anywhere That's a cosmopolitan, central-european city With a thriving art scene.
- He's gone.
- All that's left is this note.
It's a list Vance made about him and Amy-- Angry, ugly things.
- But you could see how, with the proper delivery - Oh! - Watch it, jackass! - Amy! - I knew it! I knew you were gonna run out on the wedding! - I'm sorry.
I am freaking out.
Don't try to stop me.
- Stop you? I'm running out on the wedding? - What? Why? - All I needed was for you to be calm.
- Oh What are you thinking? What were you thinking? Oh, idiot! Unbelievable! You see me pacing around, a little bit nervous, And you assume that I'm gonna run away? Where is the trust? - You're here! - You know, this is good.
I was feeling guilty about leaving you at the altar, But we left each other at the altar.
- You wish.
I ran out first.
I left you at the altar.
You left the altar.
Excuse me, but my flight is boarding.
Please tell me you're not going to Vegas.
I am going to "Budapest".
- Oh The way you say that-- Are you from there? - God, you're beautiful when you mock my pretensions.
- Can pilots marry people? Do you want to do this here, now? - Who the hell is gonna stop us? - Excuse me, captain, would you marry us? - I'm actually a flight attendant.
- You're a man! - They have those, you rube! - Don't call me a rube, you phony! - What are we doing? - He's not picking up.
- Is this thing gonna happen? 'cause if it is, I'd like to get a bigger basket.
This just feels silly.
- So what were you freaking out about? - I found a roast Julia was working on-- Jokes about why we shouldn't be together.
- Oh, Julia--she has a dark sense of humor.
She was making chilean miner jokes When their lives were still very much in the balance.
What is wrong with us? - I think in healthier relationships, There tends to be a rational person Who helps balance out the crazy.
- Well, I'm out of the running.
And I love you, but I doubt you'll ever be the sane one.
- Few great artists are.
God, when we're happy, we're so happy.
- Mm.
There are a lot of people waiting for us back there.
What do you want to do? - Oh, where are they? They have to show.
I can't take this.
- Okay, guys, guys.
Hey, Vance.
So are you gonna stop by or? Okay.
Are you--no.
- Those guys - Okay, one of us has to say something.
- I-I don't think I would be the one to-- Guys, I'm not really known for that kind of material.
I'm more of the guy that keeps things light and pops it-- - No one likes that.
- You're up.
- Julia, can you come with me, honey? Uh, hey, everybody.
Um Excuse me.
This is really weird.
There are a lot of things I'd planned to say today.
One, in particular, was a story about Vance, A canoe, and an ill-fitting pair of swim trunks that he-- - Honey, no.
- Sorry.
There is really no easy way to say this.
The wedding is not going to happen.
Vance and Amy are fine.
They just couldn't do it.
I'm disappointed.
I'm sure you--you are too.
You--you want to believe that two people Who love each other so much and who are so special Can make it work.
And maybe they will, someday, I-I hope.
I'm sure we all do.
But all the people they love most in the world are here, So let's honor them With a drink and a dance.
Let's use tonight to celebrate Vance and Amy.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- Your sister needs you.
Go cover her face.
Now, more Perfect Couples - This is so weird.
Are they gonna break up? - I don't know.
It's so sad.
But it happens all the time.
It can happen to anybody.
- Not to us.
Promise me 100% that we'll be together forever.
- Oh, I promise.
I promise we'll be together forever.
- What if I killed someone? - I'm sure you had your reasons.
- Nope, I didn't.
It was senseless.
And now that I have the taste for it, I will strike again.
- I'm still in.
Together forever.
- We'll be together forever too, babe, Longer than these guys.
- Thanks for letting us crash with you two.
It's nice not to sleep alone.
- Sleep? Good luck on this mattress.
Dave, you couldn't pry open the wallet for a king? - He's a big man, Dave.
Julia