Raising Hope s01e11 Episode Script

I made Christmas cookies.
Maw Maw, these aren't cookies.
They're dirt clods with little rocks in them.
Let her have this.
It's the holidays.
Wilfred, these are your favorite.
Snickerdoodles! Wouldn't want to spoil my dinner.
Eat it! Burt, it's Christmas.
Mmm.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Don't look so nervous, you'll blow the deal.
Don't forget to let the junkies know where the supply is.
There's our little moneymakers.
This year's impossible-to-get Christmas toy.
My baby sneezes.
- Big mucus on that one.
- It's stupid.
What kind of idiot wants to play with a sick baby? What kind of idiot wants to play with any baby? You see I'm playing with a baby, right? Speaking of which, don't forget, one of these is for Hope.
Bad move.
She gets good toys, she wants a good car, then she wants to go to a good college, and that costs, like, $10,000 a year, and then you're screwed.
Besides, it's confusing for a baby to play with a doll that's the same age as her.
She might think it's unfriendly.
Or dead.
No, she won't.
She's getting the doll.
I don't want her missing out on all the good toys, like I always did.
Every year, I'd get so excited sitting beside a big pile of toys, not knowing my dad was selling them at a crazy markup.
You have a lot of balls.
And as Christmas got closer, I got more psyched.
You have a lot of balls.
But by Christmas Eve, he sold every last toy, and I got stuck with crap.
You have a lot of balls.
We needed that money.
For food and electricity.
Yeah, what would you rather have, a Cabbage Patch Kid or some cabbage? Well, I'd rather have the kid on that one, but let's say they made a doll called Pot Roast Kid.
Then you get the point.
It was Christmas.
You should've saved one good toy for me.
One of these dolls is gonna be for Hope this year.
Fine, but it's coming out of your cut.
Beanie Babies or beans.
That would've worked.
I don't know about keeping Maw Maw on that leash.
I don't think God would like it.
I don't think God liked it last week when she wandered off and made instant oatmeal with the holy water.
He might have chuckled at that.
God I pray to likes to keep it light.
I'm gonna go to the nursery to pick up Hope.
Oh, my goodness, Burt, look! A living nativity.
Remember when Jimmy played Baby Jesus? Yeah! He was good.
I'd put him up against any baby version of any of the other religions' gods.
That's the only time any of these uptight women looked at me with any respect.
I'm gonna go sign up Hope.
Hey, hey! Easy, girl.
Hey, Burt.
How's it going, buddy? God, I haven't seen you in ages.
What's it been? Like A year.
It's been a year.
You can stop sucking up.
How many dolls you need? Four.
My wife tricked me into adopting another little girl.
Etatu.
She's from God knows where.
Hey, Mrs.
Thompson, how's it going? It's amazing she is still alive.
Yeah, I thought she'd kick the bucket and leave us the house years ago.
She's kind of messing up my plans for early retirement.
It's too bad she didn't die this year.
No estate taxes in 2010.
If she dies in the next two weeks, you wouldn't have to pay taxes on the house.
Arthur, are you suggesting I kill my grandmother-in-law? I'm not saying you should kill her.
I'm just saying she's lived a nice, long life.
And if God decides to bring her home, maybe you shouldn't keep her on such a tight leash.
Better Lawn Service and Pool Cleaning.
You gals have done such a great job with the manger.
The animals and the decorations.
And I just know that Hope is going to be the cherry on top of that cake.
Yes, I hear you're a grandma now.
I guess you and Burt's little accident had his own little accident.
Well, that's what happens when you're young and attractive.
Here's our cute, majestic little sweetie now.
Hi, pumpkin.
Jimmy, I just signed Hope up to be the next great messiah from the Chance family.
Sort of a second coming, if you will.
No.
No, no, no.
You're not doing to Hope what you did to me.
Sorry, Burt! Too many witnesses! Good luck, though.
Fine.
If you want to be pig-headed, that's your peroxitive.
But you will be depriving your daughter of a huge honor if she was selected for the manger.
If that was what it was really about, I'd be fine with it.
But the only reason you want Hope to be Baby Jesus is so you can be Mary.
That is the farthest thing in the universe from the truth.
So you won't be Mary if they choose Hope to be Jesus? Well, I would have to be Mary.
- Sure.
It's all about the baby.
- 'Cause it's always the mother of the baby.
- Right.
Yep.
- And since Hope's mother isn't around, - it only makes sense that I Shut up! - Of course.
You're using Hope the same way you used me.
You forced me in every church children's play and talent show there was, then you'd figure out some reason to get yourself on stage.
My story is the story of our nation's heroic founding father, George Washington.
As told by his wife.
That's me.
And I shall telleth ye my story through song.
He fought hard for our nation He could not be impatient He crossed the Delaware in a boat I really feel that I elevated the material.
I'm not letting you use Hope as your prop.
Your coffee's ready, dear.
There was a spider on the What do you call it, where it ends, the top, where it ends, where the mug ends? - The brim? - The brim.
There was a spider on the brim.
Here you go, Sabrina.
And James, you are going to be Rudolph.
It's wet.
Yeah, Josh was going to be Rudolph, but he went home with a cold.
Oh! By the way, did you bring that doll for my friend? Yeah, it's in my van.
Here.
God, I can't believe parents pay 200 bucks for a doll that sneezes.
Yeah, you should see what they're charging for snot-refill cartridges.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So I went by the church, and nobody signed up for Baby Jesus yet.
Hope can still be in the manger.
I don't want to talk about it.
I love those live nativity scenes.
I always wanted to be in one.
It'd be like camping with Jesus.
So, she's a manger fan.
Do you hear what I hear? Stop.
Here's what I'm thinking, Sabrina.
- You should be in our manger with us.
- Mom! - Seriously? - Yeah.
If Hope is Baby Jesus, then as her guardians, we get to pick the rest of the cast.
It's a great way to glorify God.
And also make people jealous when they see us featured on the Channel 3 news.
That would be so much fun.
Wyatt would be mad.
I'm supposed to hang out with his family on Christmas Eve.
She would do it with us even if it makes her boyfriend mad.
Do you hear what I hear? A child - Sign her up.
- Thank you.
Our annual tithing drive starts in three weeks.
This year's motto, "I upped my pledge, up yours.
" Okay, lastly, I'm happy to announce that we have finally found our Baby Jesus.
And our 40-year tradition of a living nativity scene will be unbroken.
We're heroes.
This year, we will use all donations collected at the living nativity scene to repair the organ.
And now, I'd like to introduce the baby that's become our little savior, along with the family who will make up the rest of this year's living nativity scene.
Please give a warm welcome to the Hwong family.
Come on up, guys.
That is a big Baby Jesus.
No way that kid came out of a virgin.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the church.
Beautiful family.
So sweet.
So they're the ones who'll be in the manger, huh? Yes.
Yes.
The Hwongs are new to the congregation, and the committee just felt like we should ask them if they'd be interested.
Uh Okay.
So you guys didn't even sign up then, huh? No.
Until we converted last week, we didn't even know what a manger was.
That is great.
Team players.
Wow.
Again, really, beautiful family.
Excuse us.
What is going on? Look, the nativity scene needs to attract big donations if we're gonna replace the organ.
Now, I know that an Asian Jesus is unorthodox.
Whoa.
I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here.
That's a 3-year-old fat kid.
Where in the Bible does it say the wise men brought gifts to a 3-year-old fat kid? Well, to be perfectly honest, Virginia, we were just a little bit afraid that Hope might scare people away with her reputation.
Reputation? What, has word got out that she drools? No, no, we were willing to overlook that, but we just can't overlook the fact that she's a murderer's baby.
"A murderer's baby.
" That's what people call my daughter.
Unbelievable, right? People in this town just love to give out labels.
Maw Maw, that's a TV fire! If you break the glass, you could electrocute yourself.
It's like when I got pregnant with you.
All of a sudden, people didn't see me as the captain of the drill team or the girl who could roller skate backwards down the big dirt hill behind the bank.
No, I was "the pregnant girl.
" People suck, Hope.
It's time you knew that.
Hell, that's why I loved doing the manger so much.
Because for one night a year, people didn't see me as trash that got knocked up by the guy who never wore a shirt to school.
I was the Virgin Mary.
I just don't want Hope to suffer like you did.
There has to be some way to change your label.
There is.
She can be Baby Jesus.
Hi, Kate! See ya at Christmas Eve, you judgmental bitch! Your lucky day, this Christmas Eve.
I'll give you one of my Baby Sneezes for 250 bucks.
Good God, it was $40 in the store! I'm sorry.
I'm hurting, too.
I got two broken lawnmowers and my diaper bill's doubled this year.
Merry Christmas! Hey, where's the other two wise men? We're gonna pick Sabrina up on the way.
Jimmy's still trying to make himself look pretty for her.
Thank goodness back in Jesus' time, one wise man wasn't trying to get in another wise man's pants, 'cause they never would have got there.
Well, I'll see you there.
I gotta go meet the guy with the lambs.
Hey, did you ask about the camels? He doesn't have camels.
He says they spit.
So what? I spit.
Bring it on, camel! There is no camel, Burt.
Leave it! So, listen, here's the plan.
I'm gonna be at the manger with Hope and Maw Maw.
You, Jimmy and Sabrina wait around the corner in your truck until I light my Roman candles.
When you see the lights in the sky, follow them to the manger.
Firework star of Bethlehem.
I love how you can take something good, like the birth of Christ, and you make it even better! It's what I do.
My manger's gonna raise way more money for that organ than Kate's.
Come on, Maw Maw! You enjoying your Joseph costume, Maw Maw? Who the hell moved my vagina? Hey, here's your cut from the doll I sold back at the house.
Cool.
I thought we were all out of Wait.
Did you sell him Hope's doll? - I didn't sell him Hope's doll.
- No, no! You always do this! Calm down! I didn't sell him Hope's doll.
Stop jumping to conclusions.
Man! I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I understand.
Mistakes happen.
I forgive you.
Was Hope's doll the one on the piano? Yes! God! - I'm sorry! - I can't believe you! Why not? We just established mistakes happen.
If you recall, when it was your mistake, I forgave you! What up, wise homies? We're in a tiff.
Yeah, because you screwed Hope out of getting the good toy like you always did to me! And I really wanted this Christmas to start off better for her! - Shut up! - If this is about the sneeze doll, why don't you just give Hope the one you sold my friend? He lives right down the street.
No, no, we'd just be screwing over some other kid.
Oh, my friend doesn't have a kid.
Why would someone want a My Baby Sneezes if they didn't have a kid? I collect toys.
There's nothing weird about it.
Lots of people collect toys.
It's kinda weird.
This is why I wanted to remain anonymous.
I should fire Sabrina first thing Monday.
No, no, no! Don't fire the girl.
We roughed her up pretty good for that information.
I'm from Italy.
There's nothing weird at all about collecting dolls, but I really meant to save one for my daughter, and we're kind of in a hurry.
Well, I can't sell it to you.
Where would I find another doll by Christmas morning? I like to wrap it and have it waiting under the tree for myself.
I work hard all year.
I deserve nice things.
What's up, sexy? Hey, Elizabeth Spicer McDonald is here from Channel 3 and she's about to pick which manger to shoot.
- Are you in position? - We're not far.
We're in this dude's house.
He's a trip.
No, not you.
Another dude.
It's this dude.
He's got dolls having tea with other dolls.
Burt, can we talk about this another time? I need you to come here and get in position.
Will do.
And I'll take pictures of this place with my phone.
You're gonna have a cow.
- Burt! - On it.
Bye.
Jimmy, man, we gots to boogie.
Barney, please.
Look, I'll give you my cut of the profit from all the other dolls we sold.
It's, like, 800 bucks.
That's really tempting.
I don't know.
Stupid Christmas.
Here's my half of the profits, too, to make up for not giving you the cool gift all those years.
I'm not such a bad, selfish dad now, am I? Here's $800 more.
$1,200, actually.
I was ripping him off a little bit.
The biggest shocker about Barney, he's straight.
No, no, no! You can't just tow my truck for no reason! That's dirty pool! We'll see who brings the most peace on Earth, bitch.
Is that our star? Virginia's so badass.
O Holy Night The stars are brightly shining It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth Dancin' Dan, I'm all alone over here.
And those people all make fun of you.
We almost never do.
Maw Maw, wake up! Don't be sacrilegious.
The Son of God was just born, for cripes sake! A new and glorious morn Fall on your knees Oh, hear The angel voices O night divine The night when Christ was born O night O Holy Ever more proclaim Looks like we're not gonna be on the news.
And Hope's gonna still be known as the murderer's baby.
Good luck finding that on a tiny novelty license plate.
Hold on.
It's the Baby Sneezes! He's got a Baby Sneezes! We'll be auctioning off the last available Baby Sneezes across the street in our living nativity.
All proceeds will go towards a new organ.
Go, go, go.
Come on.
Come on, guys.
Let's get this.
They're coming.
Wake up, Maw Maw, and gaze at Hope in exultation.
Yes, that's my granddaughter Hope as the Baby Jesus.
Maybe the best Baby Jesus ever.
Except for Baby Jesus.
I know! I see it! They're re-running it again on the noon news, the 3:00 and the 6:00 news.
You spent $2,000 for a toy.
Tell us about that.
Well, I saw the people bidding on TV and I had to come down and buy this doll.
It's for my niece.
She works hard all year.
She deserves nice things.
Better Lawn Care and Pool Service for all your lawn and pool needs! Sorry Hope didn't get her doll.
It's okay.
We gave her something more important for Christmas, a new label for people to know her by.
Merry Christmas.
English - US - SDH