Reno 911! (2003) s01e11 Episode Script
Dangle's Moving Day
I don't know, but i hope He doesn't have stingers.
Was it a fly Or was it a bee? I have no problem if there's A fly in the car.
You should drive, and i'll look For the flyswatter.
Where'd he go? I just saw him! Where? He was on you.
Is it a fly or a bee? Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! [ Crash .]
[ Siren wailing .]
[ Tires screech .]
Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h! Aah! Aah! Aah! Hey, dog.
Yeah.
Ho! Ho! Ho! [ Siren wailing .]
[ Together .]
For which it stands, One nation under god Buddha Indivisible With liberty and justice For all.
Okay.
Amen.
What did you say? I said buddha.
You said buddha? Mm-hmm.
I didn't say anything when it Was your turn to lead it.
I'm not disrespecting you! Not everybody in this country Believes in god.
I do, But other people don't, And i think that we should Embrace everybody.
I suppose at christmastime, You won't be wanting Any gifts, buddha.
I'm not saying that! Of course i want gifts.
Officer! I'm the one who called.
I was just doing a standard Delivery, And the next thing i know, This guy's shooting Paintballs at me.
I think i'm bruised.
I got other mail to deliver, And it's like, i don't know What's going on! [ Pop .]
Oh, my god! There he goes again! Whoa! Stay low.
Reno, reno, this is -- Man: get out of here! Reno, this is 14-allen-28.
We got a situation here I'm hit! I'm hit! We got a sniper firing Paintballs at our vehicle.
Someone get over here Right away 'Cause i'm not getting paid Enough to deal with this.
Thank you.
It's lieutenant dangle's Moving day, And he asked all of us to show Up and help him move.
Uh, hello, gentlemen.
How you doing? What am i gonna do? He's my boss.
[ Clears throat .]
Lieutenant! Hey, hey! Hey, man! Yeah.
What up, blood? What's going on, man? How's it going, blood? All right.
Thanks for coming by, man.
Thanks for coming by.
Yeah, no problem.
You smell great, man.
Great, great.
It's really good.
So i'm here.
Let's do this.
Awesome.
This is torture.
You're not hot in that zip-up? It's pretty breezy.
I got some other stuff.
No, i'm fine.
I got a whole other rig like This if you want to, maybe.
I'm gonna get you Something, man.
No, i'll just take this off, Okay? You can take your shirt off If you want, too.
I might take my shirt off.
It's such a scorcher.
Did garcia show up? No, it's so weird.
Everybody flaked, i guess.
I called everybody.
Am i the only one? You're the only one here.
It's weird.
Everybody must have flaked, I guess.
Bunch of flakes.
Flaky, flaky, flaky.
Aah! Aaaah! This better not crack The windshield.
You okay, sir? Stop it! Stop! Yeah, take your time, guys.
Come on! What do we got, ladies? We got a lunatic over here.
He's assaulting A government worker.
I don't know how to handle This situation.
You guys need to take over.
He's got a .
36 caliber Sap gun.
Smoke and choke Cover formation, okay? Hwah! Hwah! Hurry! Two, one -- go! Go! Go! Go! Aaaaah! No mercy, no mercy, No mercy! Suppressing fire on my count -- Two, one -- go! Hwah! Aah! Get out of here! Get out of here! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Come on! I got you! No mercy! No mercy! [ Pellet shots .]
Whoo! Freeze! I give -- aah! That's it.
Put it down! I said i give up! What the hell is wrong With you?! Put it down.
Set it right there.
Walk on out of here.
Do you not know the rules Of the game?! Take it easy.
Whenever it's over, You stop! [ Shouting indistinctly .]
Hey, hey, hey! Ho! Ho! Ho! [ Pellet shots .]
Aah! I gave up! Junior! I just had my hair colored! I said i give up! If you were on the moon, And you could [bleep.]
wiegel, And then leave her on the moon, You wouldn't [bleep.]
wiegel? Hell, no.
hell, no.
What kind of woman You like then? She got all the right parts, Just the wiring's screwy.
It's like the flippers work, And the bumpers work, It's just the wiring's screwy, And the score's all wrong.
Look at you, With your tenderness.
Mmm, my name is reggie, But all my friends Call me sugarwolf.
[ Howls .]
[ Laughs .]
i like that! Ooh, you just so tender.
Let me take a look at you.
Girl, you could take and put A drink on that thing.
[ Laughing .]
stop, stop.
You are so cute.
But you look so familiar.
You -- your name is calvin.
I used to babysit you.
Your mama name is etta mae.
Am i right? Is your name calvin? Miss raineesha? Come on now! Get the hell out -- Oh, my god! I always told you, When i used to keep you and Your little brother, "Be the best Whatever you do in life.
" Didn't miss raineesha Tell you? B-b-be the best.
Be the best.
I'm gonna see if you really The best At what you do.
Stand up And take your shirt off.
Maybe we should You should have something To drink.
You're gonna get dehydrated.
Chip-chop, Get it going here.
I'm gonna get you a drink.
No, i'm good.
You don't want a drink? No, i'm fine.
Take a drink.
Seriously, i'm fine.
I'm making margaritas! It's a mix tape! From mikano.
My buddy gets mix tapes Of all the stuff they play In the foam bar at mikano.
Yeah.
Moving da-a-a-y! Moving da-a-a-y! Hold up the margarita.
Margarita-a-a-as.
Margarita-a-a-a.
What do you think Of williams? You go first.
How do you feel about her? She bugs the [bleep.]
Out of me.
Me too.
I can't stand her.
Bugs the shit out of me.
And i try to be nice.
Me too.
I try to be nice.
But you know what? The minute you don't laugh At one of her jokes That isn't really funny, She turns on you.
She was looking at me the other Day -- i told dangle this.
I thought She was gonna bite me.
I thought she was gonna rip The vein right out of my neck.
I thought she was gonna take A machete And rip my throat out.
She doesn't have a machete.
What are you doing out here Today, terry? What? What are you doing Out here today? Just watching over stuff.
Looks like maybe you're doing A little prostitution Out here today, terry, Is that possible? No, i'm not.
I'm so not.
Terry, are you on anything Today? I'm not.
I quit everything.
I don't even drink.
You seem a little jittery Right now, terry.
You're not on Any substance? I had skittles.
You're jittery From skittles? Yes.
Interesting.
Your eyes are real dilated.
They seem to be jogging around A little bit.
Have you ever had skittles? It's all sugar.
[ Singsong voice .]
I heard a rumor.
What's that, ter? Mexican werewolves are coming up From mexico and selling crack.
Mm-hmm.
Well, we'll get to that, terry, When that happens.
In the meantime, What we have to deal with Is you, And you not being On this corner, Not prostituting yourself And not hopping yourself up On skittles, Which i'm sure is a code name For a new kind of crack.
It's not.
It's so not.
Anyway, say it, Don't spray it.
That's my new motto.
Terry, Why don't you move along? Be careful.
He's gonna break his neck.
We ought to paint that on the Side of our car -- "Say it, don't spray it.
" Don't you [bleep.]
Eyeball me! Cot! Now [bleep.]
[ Chuckles .]
Hey, kids.
All right, well, Let's go on with the tour.
All right, junior deputies, Uh, as future members of the Washoe county law enforcement, It's, uh, your privilege To get a v.
I.
P.
Tour, A little behind-the-scenes Action, A little for-your-eyes-only Type of stuff.
This here's a jail cell.
Sorry it smells like jizz But, uh, i think That's just jizz See this wall up here? We got the glass partition That separates the prisoner from The sheriff's department.
Anybody got a guess Why we don't use metal bars Up there anymore? It's actually A pretty funny story.
We had this fella in here -- Crystal meth tweaker fella.
And he was here all night, And he would stick his head In the toilet And fill it with water and [Spits.]
spit it on the floor.
By morning, there was about A half an inch of water All over the cell in here.
Then he climbed up there, and You see that light fixture? He yanked it down out of The ceiling, And he pulled the wires Apart.
He attached them to either side Of the metal bars.
So in the morning, one of the Deputies came in, Touched his key to open The damn door, And he blew up like A goddamn s'more.
Bam! Just fried that Son of a bitch.
You could smell the burn all the Way through the station.
His belt buckle, it got so hot, It, like butter -- It just fell right through the Leather of his belt.
And it kept going, and it sliced His balls off -- Cauterized those balls As it was going, So there wasn't even a drop Of blood.
Two balls on the ground.
No blood -- cauterized.
Any questions? All right, let's keep going With the goddamn tour.
[ Knocks on door .]
Sheriff.
Woman: yeah.
I have seen it all.
Hey, you know what? Hey, look, look, Before you judge me, You don't know me.
All right, You don't know me.
Can i just say a couple Of things? Because i feel like I'm being judged.
I'm not judging you.
I'm not here to judge you.
I just want to let you know A couple things.
I have a weird tan Because i play tennis.
That's number one.
Number two, yes, i have a dildo Strapped to my head, But let me Explain something.
Oh, my -- You don't know me! Let me explain something To you, all right? This is very -- You don't know me.
People got different things that Turn you on or whatever.
I'm not here to find out Any of that.
In my past life, i believe i was Something with a horn, Like a unicorn.
Let's put a period on the end Of that sentence, And we're done talking About that.
Okay, look.
Everyone's got Their thing, right? They got their little Eroticism zones.
You're a gay You don't know me! Silence.
I'm putting my heart On my sleeve.
And you're putting something Else on your head, sir! I'm just here to help you.
I'm here to help you.
Everything about what you just Did is wrong.
Not only did you just slap me With brutality, You mocked the fact that i have Put my heart on my sleeve.
I said, "i got a dildo On my head.
" You don't have To point it out By slapping the [bleep.]
On my head.
I don't have keys For these.
This is how you make wine If you need to make wine While you're in prison.
What you do is you take A plastic bag, And you put in a little bit Of water.
You put in either raisins Or tomatoes.
You can't put in Too much sugar.
Nobody's gonna complain It's too sweet.
Scrape that in there.
And that's all yeast is -- Just a little bit of bread mold.
Tie up that bag.
You got to put a straw in it.
'Cause if it doesn't have A ventilator For the gas to come out, That thing's just gonna blow up.
Boom! The whole cell will stink.
Bunk, and that will ferment.
You got Some pretty good wine.
You can sell that For cigarettes.
You can sell that For not getting [bleep.]
By some Of the bigger fellas.
You got the margaritas? Got 'em.
Let's do it.
The margaritas.
Oh.
Aw, yeah, all right.
Okay.
Sorry.
I got margaritas all over.
See ya! AndHere we are.
Ahh.
[ Gear clicks .]
bienvenidos.
casa de dangle.
What do you think? What the [bleep.]
? What do you mean, "What the [bleep.]
?" Dangle, We just moved 45 feet.
You could have done all this [Bleep.]
yourself.
We moved over 100 feet.
I've dealt with your damn Advances for years now, And i'm sick of it, okay? I'm sick of it.
I'm straight, okay?! You ever heard of Sexual harassment? You ever hear of that?! What do you take me for -- A punk-ass or what? [Bleep.]
you! [Bleep.]
you! I can't believe this! I had [bleep.]
to do today! [ Crying .]
i just wanted -- Save that [bleep.]
.
Save it, okay? [ Crying .]
i'm so lonely, And i didn't have anybody To help me.
A new low -- A new [bleep.]
low! I'm just lonely, That's all, And i didn't have anybody To help me.
I'm going inside now.
[ Crying continues .]
I'm sorry if i like you.
[ Sniffles .]
[ Crying continues .]
Well, i'll try anything once, I guess.
Hey, jimmy? Hey, man, i'm s-- I'm sorry.
That was -- That was way out of line.
I-i'm sorry about that, jim.
[ Sniffles .]
You okay? I'm all right.
I just, uhGot margarita All over these clothes.
Dude, let me help you Take that off.
Wait, hang on.
I'm gonna put on a record.
You got some on your shirt, Too.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
That one trustee we had -- The one that came in, I think it was the day BeforeYesterday? He's in the cell On the far right.
[ Gasps .]
cute! Isn't he cute? Oh, my gosh, he is yummy! He is very He is totally yummy.
I say muy delicioso.
Oh.
He cute.
I was like, "when is he Gonna be free?" All right.
[ Grunts .]
How you doing tonight, sir? I'm doing all right.
We got a call About a week ago About some ufo activity In the area, And we just wanted to come And assure everybody here That the government officially Is telling us That they were just testing A new missile.
So that's all that was.
I don't know what the hell Y'all are talking about.
We got a call from a couple Of people in the area That said that they saw ufos.
Some of them said they saw A light go across the sky.
Up here? This sky, right? Right here.
Some people said it landed, And a couple people said, Oh, they saw people get sucked Up into it.
But, officially, the government Is saying, "never happened.
" They saw people Get sucked up into it? So officially, you're okay.
And nothing Is gonna happen to you.
All right.
UnofficiallyLook out.
You take it easy, All right? I got y'all's number.
All righty.
[ Chuckling .]
Shh.
I love that joke.
It's too easy.
It's like shootin' fish in A barrel, lady.
[ Laughs .]
All right, we're good.
We're cool.
That cracks me up Every time.
I think you should let him Borrow your belt.
White people are crazy.
Y'all hear me? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Who can guess what "Circle the wagons" means? That is when You put three bunks Like the circling up of the Wagons in a wagon train In an old cowboy movie, And they have the sheets Hanging down So you can't see what's going on Inside the four bunks.
And inside the four bunks, About two dozen boys Just [bleep.]
the [bleep.]
out Of this little mormon kid.
Now, they don't want To break your jaw 'Cause they want your jaw To still be able to work.
So what it does is it takes out Your teeth, And then they just [bleep.]
The [bleep.]
out of this boy.
We came in, and there wasn't Really anything left.
They [bleep.]
him, [bleep.]
him, They [bleep.]
his back.
They bent up his shoulders And [bleep.]
With the shoulder blades.
[Bleep.]
up [bleep.]
, man.
We came in here and all the Convicts were like, you know, "He was [bleep.]
to death Before we got here.
" So we couldn't really point the Finger at nobody 'Cause it was either all Or nothing, And you ain't gonna book Two dozen people.
So that's when we started Bolting the bunks to the wall Like that, uh As you may know Or may not know, Dangle is in the hospital.
And, uh -- [ Clears throat .]
What happened? He can't [bleep.]
walk, okay? Can we leave it alone? The masseuse girl Is on the way, So password is, "It's a deal.
" I'll say it into the mike.
Calvary rolls in.
"It's a deal.
" Are you Uhhhhhhh.
You called For the sensual massage? Yeah, I called for vivian.
Just relax.
Vivian is my mother.
She sends me out to do The sensual massage.
I'm sure You will enjoy it.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, okay, okay.
That's a deal.
That's a deal.
Okay, that's a deal.
Give it a second.
Give it a second.
Hey, watch this.
Look at this.
PinocchioAnd pinocchio's Popular older brother.
"Hey, pinocchio.
" "Oh, hi!" "Hey, where's Your older brother?" "Yeah, i've been lying.
I've been lying a lot.
I lied five times last night.
Whoo!" I was watching you Guys from the lockers 'Cause i was starting To get suspicious That every time I went into the shower, Everybody leaves All of a sudden.
Dangle: she's about To have a seizure.
No, i'm not.
I'm about to start crying.
There's a difference Between -- Bite it In case it happens.
Are you okay, You think? Let me check her pulse.
Just in case.
Hold.
Hold.
It's gas.
It's gas.
It's not -- Ew, it is gas.
It is gas.
Oh.
Ew!
Was it a fly Or was it a bee? I have no problem if there's A fly in the car.
You should drive, and i'll look For the flyswatter.
Where'd he go? I just saw him! Where? He was on you.
Is it a fly or a bee? Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! [ Crash .]
[ Siren wailing .]
[ Tires screech .]
Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h! Aah! Aah! Aah! Hey, dog.
Yeah.
Ho! Ho! Ho! [ Siren wailing .]
[ Together .]
For which it stands, One nation under god Buddha Indivisible With liberty and justice For all.
Okay.
Amen.
What did you say? I said buddha.
You said buddha? Mm-hmm.
I didn't say anything when it Was your turn to lead it.
I'm not disrespecting you! Not everybody in this country Believes in god.
I do, But other people don't, And i think that we should Embrace everybody.
I suppose at christmastime, You won't be wanting Any gifts, buddha.
I'm not saying that! Of course i want gifts.
Officer! I'm the one who called.
I was just doing a standard Delivery, And the next thing i know, This guy's shooting Paintballs at me.
I think i'm bruised.
I got other mail to deliver, And it's like, i don't know What's going on! [ Pop .]
Oh, my god! There he goes again! Whoa! Stay low.
Reno, reno, this is -- Man: get out of here! Reno, this is 14-allen-28.
We got a situation here I'm hit! I'm hit! We got a sniper firing Paintballs at our vehicle.
Someone get over here Right away 'Cause i'm not getting paid Enough to deal with this.
Thank you.
It's lieutenant dangle's Moving day, And he asked all of us to show Up and help him move.
Uh, hello, gentlemen.
How you doing? What am i gonna do? He's my boss.
[ Clears throat .]
Lieutenant! Hey, hey! Hey, man! Yeah.
What up, blood? What's going on, man? How's it going, blood? All right.
Thanks for coming by, man.
Thanks for coming by.
Yeah, no problem.
You smell great, man.
Great, great.
It's really good.
So i'm here.
Let's do this.
Awesome.
This is torture.
You're not hot in that zip-up? It's pretty breezy.
I got some other stuff.
No, i'm fine.
I got a whole other rig like This if you want to, maybe.
I'm gonna get you Something, man.
No, i'll just take this off, Okay? You can take your shirt off If you want, too.
I might take my shirt off.
It's such a scorcher.
Did garcia show up? No, it's so weird.
Everybody flaked, i guess.
I called everybody.
Am i the only one? You're the only one here.
It's weird.
Everybody must have flaked, I guess.
Bunch of flakes.
Flaky, flaky, flaky.
Aah! Aaaah! This better not crack The windshield.
You okay, sir? Stop it! Stop! Yeah, take your time, guys.
Come on! What do we got, ladies? We got a lunatic over here.
He's assaulting A government worker.
I don't know how to handle This situation.
You guys need to take over.
He's got a .
36 caliber Sap gun.
Smoke and choke Cover formation, okay? Hwah! Hwah! Hurry! Two, one -- go! Go! Go! Go! Aaaaah! No mercy, no mercy, No mercy! Suppressing fire on my count -- Two, one -- go! Hwah! Aah! Get out of here! Get out of here! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Come on! I got you! No mercy! No mercy! [ Pellet shots .]
Whoo! Freeze! I give -- aah! That's it.
Put it down! I said i give up! What the hell is wrong With you?! Put it down.
Set it right there.
Walk on out of here.
Do you not know the rules Of the game?! Take it easy.
Whenever it's over, You stop! [ Shouting indistinctly .]
Hey, hey, hey! Ho! Ho! Ho! [ Pellet shots .]
Aah! I gave up! Junior! I just had my hair colored! I said i give up! If you were on the moon, And you could [bleep.]
wiegel, And then leave her on the moon, You wouldn't [bleep.]
wiegel? Hell, no.
hell, no.
What kind of woman You like then? She got all the right parts, Just the wiring's screwy.
It's like the flippers work, And the bumpers work, It's just the wiring's screwy, And the score's all wrong.
Look at you, With your tenderness.
Mmm, my name is reggie, But all my friends Call me sugarwolf.
[ Howls .]
[ Laughs .]
i like that! Ooh, you just so tender.
Let me take a look at you.
Girl, you could take and put A drink on that thing.
[ Laughing .]
stop, stop.
You are so cute.
But you look so familiar.
You -- your name is calvin.
I used to babysit you.
Your mama name is etta mae.
Am i right? Is your name calvin? Miss raineesha? Come on now! Get the hell out -- Oh, my god! I always told you, When i used to keep you and Your little brother, "Be the best Whatever you do in life.
" Didn't miss raineesha Tell you? B-b-be the best.
Be the best.
I'm gonna see if you really The best At what you do.
Stand up And take your shirt off.
Maybe we should You should have something To drink.
You're gonna get dehydrated.
Chip-chop, Get it going here.
I'm gonna get you a drink.
No, i'm good.
You don't want a drink? No, i'm fine.
Take a drink.
Seriously, i'm fine.
I'm making margaritas! It's a mix tape! From mikano.
My buddy gets mix tapes Of all the stuff they play In the foam bar at mikano.
Yeah.
Moving da-a-a-y! Moving da-a-a-y! Hold up the margarita.
Margarita-a-a-as.
Margarita-a-a-a.
What do you think Of williams? You go first.
How do you feel about her? She bugs the [bleep.]
Out of me.
Me too.
I can't stand her.
Bugs the shit out of me.
And i try to be nice.
Me too.
I try to be nice.
But you know what? The minute you don't laugh At one of her jokes That isn't really funny, She turns on you.
She was looking at me the other Day -- i told dangle this.
I thought She was gonna bite me.
I thought she was gonna rip The vein right out of my neck.
I thought she was gonna take A machete And rip my throat out.
She doesn't have a machete.
What are you doing out here Today, terry? What? What are you doing Out here today? Just watching over stuff.
Looks like maybe you're doing A little prostitution Out here today, terry, Is that possible? No, i'm not.
I'm so not.
Terry, are you on anything Today? I'm not.
I quit everything.
I don't even drink.
You seem a little jittery Right now, terry.
You're not on Any substance? I had skittles.
You're jittery From skittles? Yes.
Interesting.
Your eyes are real dilated.
They seem to be jogging around A little bit.
Have you ever had skittles? It's all sugar.
[ Singsong voice .]
I heard a rumor.
What's that, ter? Mexican werewolves are coming up From mexico and selling crack.
Mm-hmm.
Well, we'll get to that, terry, When that happens.
In the meantime, What we have to deal with Is you, And you not being On this corner, Not prostituting yourself And not hopping yourself up On skittles, Which i'm sure is a code name For a new kind of crack.
It's not.
It's so not.
Anyway, say it, Don't spray it.
That's my new motto.
Terry, Why don't you move along? Be careful.
He's gonna break his neck.
We ought to paint that on the Side of our car -- "Say it, don't spray it.
" Don't you [bleep.]
Eyeball me! Cot! Now [bleep.]
[ Chuckles .]
Hey, kids.
All right, well, Let's go on with the tour.
All right, junior deputies, Uh, as future members of the Washoe county law enforcement, It's, uh, your privilege To get a v.
I.
P.
Tour, A little behind-the-scenes Action, A little for-your-eyes-only Type of stuff.
This here's a jail cell.
Sorry it smells like jizz But, uh, i think That's just jizz See this wall up here? We got the glass partition That separates the prisoner from The sheriff's department.
Anybody got a guess Why we don't use metal bars Up there anymore? It's actually A pretty funny story.
We had this fella in here -- Crystal meth tweaker fella.
And he was here all night, And he would stick his head In the toilet And fill it with water and [Spits.]
spit it on the floor.
By morning, there was about A half an inch of water All over the cell in here.
Then he climbed up there, and You see that light fixture? He yanked it down out of The ceiling, And he pulled the wires Apart.
He attached them to either side Of the metal bars.
So in the morning, one of the Deputies came in, Touched his key to open The damn door, And he blew up like A goddamn s'more.
Bam! Just fried that Son of a bitch.
You could smell the burn all the Way through the station.
His belt buckle, it got so hot, It, like butter -- It just fell right through the Leather of his belt.
And it kept going, and it sliced His balls off -- Cauterized those balls As it was going, So there wasn't even a drop Of blood.
Two balls on the ground.
No blood -- cauterized.
Any questions? All right, let's keep going With the goddamn tour.
[ Knocks on door .]
Sheriff.
Woman: yeah.
I have seen it all.
Hey, you know what? Hey, look, look, Before you judge me, You don't know me.
All right, You don't know me.
Can i just say a couple Of things? Because i feel like I'm being judged.
I'm not judging you.
I'm not here to judge you.
I just want to let you know A couple things.
I have a weird tan Because i play tennis.
That's number one.
Number two, yes, i have a dildo Strapped to my head, But let me Explain something.
Oh, my -- You don't know me! Let me explain something To you, all right? This is very -- You don't know me.
People got different things that Turn you on or whatever.
I'm not here to find out Any of that.
In my past life, i believe i was Something with a horn, Like a unicorn.
Let's put a period on the end Of that sentence, And we're done talking About that.
Okay, look.
Everyone's got Their thing, right? They got their little Eroticism zones.
You're a gay You don't know me! Silence.
I'm putting my heart On my sleeve.
And you're putting something Else on your head, sir! I'm just here to help you.
I'm here to help you.
Everything about what you just Did is wrong.
Not only did you just slap me With brutality, You mocked the fact that i have Put my heart on my sleeve.
I said, "i got a dildo On my head.
" You don't have To point it out By slapping the [bleep.]
On my head.
I don't have keys For these.
This is how you make wine If you need to make wine While you're in prison.
What you do is you take A plastic bag, And you put in a little bit Of water.
You put in either raisins Or tomatoes.
You can't put in Too much sugar.
Nobody's gonna complain It's too sweet.
Scrape that in there.
And that's all yeast is -- Just a little bit of bread mold.
Tie up that bag.
You got to put a straw in it.
'Cause if it doesn't have A ventilator For the gas to come out, That thing's just gonna blow up.
Boom! The whole cell will stink.
Bunk, and that will ferment.
You got Some pretty good wine.
You can sell that For cigarettes.
You can sell that For not getting [bleep.]
By some Of the bigger fellas.
You got the margaritas? Got 'em.
Let's do it.
The margaritas.
Oh.
Aw, yeah, all right.
Okay.
Sorry.
I got margaritas all over.
See ya! AndHere we are.
Ahh.
[ Gear clicks .]
bienvenidos.
casa de dangle.
What do you think? What the [bleep.]
? What do you mean, "What the [bleep.]
?" Dangle, We just moved 45 feet.
You could have done all this [Bleep.]
yourself.
We moved over 100 feet.
I've dealt with your damn Advances for years now, And i'm sick of it, okay? I'm sick of it.
I'm straight, okay?! You ever heard of Sexual harassment? You ever hear of that?! What do you take me for -- A punk-ass or what? [Bleep.]
you! [Bleep.]
you! I can't believe this! I had [bleep.]
to do today! [ Crying .]
i just wanted -- Save that [bleep.]
.
Save it, okay? [ Crying .]
i'm so lonely, And i didn't have anybody To help me.
A new low -- A new [bleep.]
low! I'm just lonely, That's all, And i didn't have anybody To help me.
I'm going inside now.
[ Crying continues .]
I'm sorry if i like you.
[ Sniffles .]
[ Crying continues .]
Well, i'll try anything once, I guess.
Hey, jimmy? Hey, man, i'm s-- I'm sorry.
That was -- That was way out of line.
I-i'm sorry about that, jim.
[ Sniffles .]
You okay? I'm all right.
I just, uhGot margarita All over these clothes.
Dude, let me help you Take that off.
Wait, hang on.
I'm gonna put on a record.
You got some on your shirt, Too.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
That one trustee we had -- The one that came in, I think it was the day BeforeYesterday? He's in the cell On the far right.
[ Gasps .]
cute! Isn't he cute? Oh, my gosh, he is yummy! He is very He is totally yummy.
I say muy delicioso.
Oh.
He cute.
I was like, "when is he Gonna be free?" All right.
[ Grunts .]
How you doing tonight, sir? I'm doing all right.
We got a call About a week ago About some ufo activity In the area, And we just wanted to come And assure everybody here That the government officially Is telling us That they were just testing A new missile.
So that's all that was.
I don't know what the hell Y'all are talking about.
We got a call from a couple Of people in the area That said that they saw ufos.
Some of them said they saw A light go across the sky.
Up here? This sky, right? Right here.
Some people said it landed, And a couple people said, Oh, they saw people get sucked Up into it.
But, officially, the government Is saying, "never happened.
" They saw people Get sucked up into it? So officially, you're okay.
And nothing Is gonna happen to you.
All right.
UnofficiallyLook out.
You take it easy, All right? I got y'all's number.
All righty.
[ Chuckling .]
Shh.
I love that joke.
It's too easy.
It's like shootin' fish in A barrel, lady.
[ Laughs .]
All right, we're good.
We're cool.
That cracks me up Every time.
I think you should let him Borrow your belt.
White people are crazy.
Y'all hear me? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Who can guess what "Circle the wagons" means? That is when You put three bunks Like the circling up of the Wagons in a wagon train In an old cowboy movie, And they have the sheets Hanging down So you can't see what's going on Inside the four bunks.
And inside the four bunks, About two dozen boys Just [bleep.]
the [bleep.]
out Of this little mormon kid.
Now, they don't want To break your jaw 'Cause they want your jaw To still be able to work.
So what it does is it takes out Your teeth, And then they just [bleep.]
The [bleep.]
out of this boy.
We came in, and there wasn't Really anything left.
They [bleep.]
him, [bleep.]
him, They [bleep.]
his back.
They bent up his shoulders And [bleep.]
With the shoulder blades.
[Bleep.]
up [bleep.]
, man.
We came in here and all the Convicts were like, you know, "He was [bleep.]
to death Before we got here.
" So we couldn't really point the Finger at nobody 'Cause it was either all Or nothing, And you ain't gonna book Two dozen people.
So that's when we started Bolting the bunks to the wall Like that, uh As you may know Or may not know, Dangle is in the hospital.
And, uh -- [ Clears throat .]
What happened? He can't [bleep.]
walk, okay? Can we leave it alone? The masseuse girl Is on the way, So password is, "It's a deal.
" I'll say it into the mike.
Calvary rolls in.
"It's a deal.
" Are you Uhhhhhhh.
You called For the sensual massage? Yeah, I called for vivian.
Just relax.
Vivian is my mother.
She sends me out to do The sensual massage.
I'm sure You will enjoy it.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, okay, okay.
That's a deal.
That's a deal.
Okay, that's a deal.
Give it a second.
Give it a second.
Hey, watch this.
Look at this.
PinocchioAnd pinocchio's Popular older brother.
"Hey, pinocchio.
" "Oh, hi!" "Hey, where's Your older brother?" "Yeah, i've been lying.
I've been lying a lot.
I lied five times last night.
Whoo!" I was watching you Guys from the lockers 'Cause i was starting To get suspicious That every time I went into the shower, Everybody leaves All of a sudden.
Dangle: she's about To have a seizure.
No, i'm not.
I'm about to start crying.
There's a difference Between -- Bite it In case it happens.
Are you okay, You think? Let me check her pulse.
Just in case.
Hold.
Hold.
It's gas.
It's gas.
It's not -- Ew, it is gas.
It is gas.
Oh.
Ew!