Rick and Morty (2013) s01e11 Episode Script

- Bye, mom! Bye, dad! - Drive carefully! Have fun, you two.
Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our Titanic -themed getaway.
Let's lose the 'tude, please.
It's supposed to be romantic.
Speaking of disasters, dad, we are leaving you in charge, here.
I know, c-can we wrap this up? Morty and I have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.
Hey, don't blow me off.
I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and no more adventures with Morty.
Aw, geez, Rick.
If my mom's the one who's saying it, then you know it's pretty serious this time.
That's right.
Wait.
What? Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.
And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever.
It's like that old song "blomp blomp-a noop noop a-noop noop noop".
You guys know that song? From tiny rogerts? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s? No-nobody? A-all right, whatever.
Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip.
Not one thing out of place.
Not a single thing.
Well, we're past the point of no return.
I'm going to have a party.
Corrections by XhmikosR I found jello.
Can you sneak your mom's vodka? Yes, she does.
I saw it in your laundry room.
Listen, you can't both be in denial about it.
Okay, bye.
Summer, you can't throw a party! Remember what mom said? Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and grandpa Rick get punished.
I'm only a human being, Morty.
Rick, tell summer she can't have a party! Uh, summer, you can't have a party.
Because I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch! Oh, what?! Rick, you can't! What do you mean you're having a party? Are some glip glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something? "Glip glop?" You're lucky a traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.
Is that like their n-word? It's like the n-word and the c-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Listen, I think the three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- screw that.
This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids.
That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Why do you party? To get wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son! Just keep your Sci-Fi friends away from my awesome ones.
Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my canapes.
After dinner, Titanic 2 will attach to the rail system near our replica iceberg, and the hydraulics encased in these tubes will execute a controlled sink into the icy depths.
A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.
Are you sure the ship will sink? I can assure you the ship will sink, as it has a thousand times before.
It is un-unsinkable.
Ooh! Look, it's the line for the bow! Jerry, I'd love to just kick back with a Margarita and read.
Do you mind if I skip the whole "king of the world" bit? Well, it's not the "king of the world" bit.
That's Jack and fabrizio.
This is where rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever.
I can be the only one to do it alone.
Well, what about her? Excuse me, ma'am.
Would you like to take my place in line? I, uh -- I could get into trouble.
We won't tell.
So - You're a Titanic fanatic? - Oh, yes.
I've worked here since it opened, but I've never been able to participate.
Happy to help rose.
I love watching bukkake.
I mean, like, I don't know if I personally would ever do it Brad! Hey! Yo.
Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.
Check it out.
Tammy's already drunk.
Cool.
The beacon was activated.
Who is in danger? Ugh! Grandpa! Birdperson! I am pleased there is no emergency.
Oh, there's an emergency, all right.
A emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'pers? It has been a challenging mating season for birdperson.
Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, playah.
Go have some fun out there birdp-- bird-- birdperson.
Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick? Uh people? Mm, six.
Yo! What up, my glip glops?! Oh, man! Oh! Y-y-you know there's a garbage, right? Hey, uh, what the hell?! Ooh.
That's why you never invite a floopy doop and a shmoopy doop to the same party.
Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed! Oh.
Sorry.
I'm not feeling too well.
I just needed to lie down for a bit.
Oh.
Okay.
S-s-sorry.
Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?! The thing people don't realize about the Gear Wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
No, no, to-totally.
- Rick, you got to stop -- - Morty! - Have you met gearhead? - Hey, how's -- Morty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars.
How familiar are you with the Gear Wars, exactly? Uh Not at all.
Oh, boy.
I envy you.
Okay, it was about Oh, hey, Morty! H-have you -- have you met my buddy scropon? Not again, Rick.
That last guy droned on for And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed! Whoa, Morty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed.
Have a little perspective.
Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro! Aw! Squanchy! Is there a good place for me to squanch around here? Squanchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man.
- Mi casa es su casa, dawg! - All right! I like your squanch! Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"? Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.
Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures! Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out.
Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later? Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.
You know, you like not caring about stuff.
You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me? For me? Jessica.
Knock it off, slow mobius! Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro! I can't believe she's here.
Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty? Go.
Talk to her.
Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.
Oh, Rose.
Whee! Is that what I think it is? Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end of the movie.
It's so romantic.
I can't wait to do that with Beth.
I don't know, Jerry.
With all due respect, it seems like your wife may not be that interested.
Look! Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.
Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.
Uh, sir? There's not a problem.
What do you mean there's not a problem? The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course.
This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg! Well, do something! Steer into it! I'm trying! It's too late.
Ladies and gentlemen Don't brace yourselves.
No! No! What happened?! Their rail system must have failed.
Oh, my God! We're not gonna sink! Totally gonna get laid tonight.
I like your feathers.
They are designed to attract the attention of the female.
It's working.
Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate.
I'm not looking to get into a soul bond.
I'm just looking for I believe birdperson can arrange that.
Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.
Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her.
Are you kidding me? I don't even know what she's doing here.
Whoa.
Not cool, summer.
This is a party.
Everybody should be welcome.
Oh, great.
Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? I thought everyone was welcome.
It's not the same, Summer.
Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.
Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.
Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being.
But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body! Whoa.
What's up, man? I have no quarrel with you, boy.
"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? It's just -- l-look, I-I don't know how you thought I meant it, but Don't look at me, dude.
Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so -- So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! Well, no, but - You know? - What do I know? That the third reich will reign for a thousand years? Leave him alone, Brad.
Stay out of this, Jessica! Kick his ass, Brad! Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Brad! Rick! I just did you a favor, Morty.
Sorry about all that.
Rick has some really strange friends.
Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.
He's always trying to prove what a man he is.
I just want to find somebody nice and sweet.
Jessica, can I show you something? Wow! Look at all this stuff.
Yeah.
This is me and my grandpa Rick's Sci-Fi workshop.
Check this out.
It's beautiful.
You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.
What's that, Morty? I think that you're the most -- No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.
- Oh, my God! - Aah! Hey, I'm squanching in here! Oh, my God! Oh, that is so disgusting! Ow! Oh! Oh, crap! Huh.
Big star in the sky.
Oxygen-rich atmosphere.
Giant testicle monsters.
We'll be fine! Let's party! Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got I swear to God, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.
Oh, man.
Y-you hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one.
How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-the whole house is sitting in another dimension! I-I mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-m-mom and dad are gonna kill us! - I'm losing it here, Rick! - Relax, Morty, relax! It's gonna be fine.
All we have to do is go out and find us some kalaxian crystals.
Oh, shit, mother [beep.]
! Kalaxian crystals, Morty, just a few miles South of here.
Okay.
Let's go, then.
W-w-we got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Morty, Morty, I-I can't go with you.
I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something? Yeah.
Me too.
I should stay.
You guys have any aspirin? Oh, hey, Morty, this is perfect! You can take Lincoler with you.
Hey, man, I'm not going anywhere.
- I'm injured.
- Shut up, Lincoler.
It's the least you can do for wrecking the living room.
Yeah! And, Nancy, you should go, too.
What? Why -- why me? Because, uh, you're -- you're so good at playing the flute.
Sorry for the inconvenience, folks.
We should resume sinking shortly.
In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings.
Great.
Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.
I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.
You should find that Lucy woman.
But -- but -- You see, Jerry? May I show you something? Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater.
I would have liked to see it.
This trip has been a "Titanic" failure.
Get it? Ooh! - Draw me, Jerry.
- Oh, boy.
Lucy, wow.
Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.
But it's the perfect moment.
We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.
Um, not like this.
Not -- not with you.
- You are gonna draw me.
- Aah! Then you're going to [beep.]
me in that car over there.
It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal.
But, at the same time -- Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close.
There they are! Wait.
Something's not right.
Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! Summer's gonna like me again.
Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here! Mein journey is over, Morty.
I have something important to tell you.
And the gears, they turned for a thousand years until the dark day that they stopped Rick, I got them! - I got the crystals! - All right! - You did it, Morty.
- Rick, wait! There's something you need to know.
I couldn't have done it without Lincoler.
He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father.
He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes.
He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.
He died.
Well, at least he didn't die in vain.
He got these crystals.
And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, lubba, dub, dub! Play something.
Somebody, play something.
Wait a minute.
What? Put your right foot forward and your left foot back then slide around like on a nordictrack move to the left step to the right wiggle your elbows, and look up into the light it's the, it's the it's the Rick dance it's the, it's the it's the Rick dance Slow mobius, hit me with the clock beam! It's the, it's the it's the Rick dance That's the Rick dance! All right! Whoa, man! What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something! What? No, no, no.
I can get us home whenever I want to.
But, listen, speaking of those crystals, can I get the rest of them? I'm starting to come down, Morty.
Crystal kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
That's what I think of your crystals, Rick! Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more k-lax? B-birdperson? Uh, squanchy? Don't squaunch at me.
All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now.
All right, all right, fine, Morty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Morty sucks! Boo! You suck, whatever your name is.
Boo! Morty, you're the worst, Morty.
But these gears just started turnin'.
Almost finished, Jerry? Uh, almost.
I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes.
I'm sure it's good enough.
Move! Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and I have to mop it up.
The floor drops out to make it easier.
But now it's my turn.
We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me.
No mess.
No clean.
Beth! Bet you're glad I think kindles are dumb now.
I can't help but feel a little guilty.
I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.
What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne wafting over his blister-pocked lips? What? Well, at least you got all this free stuff.
Should be enough to satisfy your Titanic Jones for a while.
I'm not going to fit.
Beth, listen to me.
You're going to get out of here.
You're gonna go on, and -- Jerry, just leave the door.
It's not a door, Beth.
- It's debris.
- I don't care.
Just leave it.
Yeah.
Okay.
"Cape fear"! "Cape fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "cape fear".
Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place! Cool.
I'm coming, too.
Uh, no.
You're not squanchy enough for a squanchy party.
What? Nancy told us what a bitch you are.
Guys, seriously.
Nancy? Summer, you're a bad person.
All you care about is having popular people like you.
That's not what Abradolph Lincoler stood for.
Well, I-it was hard to pin down what he stood for, but it's certainly not what he died for.
Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.
You're so wise.
May I assist you with that? Uh, sure, yeah.
Thanks.
Morty, do you know what "wubba lubba dub dub" means? Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.
It's not nonsense at all.
In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain.
Please help me.
" Well, I got news for you.
He's saying it ironically.
No, Morty.
Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain.
That is why he must numb himself.
Come on, um Birdperson.
Come on, birdperson.
Rick's not that complicated.
He's just a huge asshole.
Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
You know what? You're right.
I shouldn't even care.
This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
I'm sick of having adventures with Rick.
My people have another saying-- "gubba nub nub doo rah kah".
It means, "whatever lets you sleep at night".
Guys, mom and dad are, like, right around the corner.
This is your moment, Morty.
Choose wisely.
Tammy! Caw! Wow.
We are so screwed.
- Rick, wake up.
- Huh? What? Wait? What? What? Stop.
Rick, you got to do something quick.
My parents are home.
Uh, all -- all right.
All right.
Hold -- hold on.
Ahh! So good.
Oh, my God.
They're walking up the driveway.
- Bring me the thing.
- What -- what thing? The thing.
The thing.
The -- the -- it's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it.
It -- it -- it beeps.
Rick! That describes everything in your garage! Do you mean this? Summer for for the win.
All right, that should do it.
Whoa! What did you do? Uh, s-see for yourself.
Whoa! Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time.
Yeah, and slow mobius thinks he's all that.
- For how long? - I don't know.
How long do you guys want? A week? A month? Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel? - Worst movie ever.
- Dumb.
Ooh, boy, what a waste of time.
Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen.
This has been so much fun.
Hey, Rick.
You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba lubba dub dub" thing that you usually say.
Don't need to.
I have a new catchphrase.
Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick? I love my grandkids.
- Aww.
- Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a [beep.]
".
Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got Roll credits! Just shake that a-- Roll the credits! Go! Just shake that ass That's the end of season one! That's the end, mother [beep.]
! "I don't give a [beep.]
" is my new catchphrase! [Beep.]
you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, mother [beep.]
! Yeah! Revenge.
What?! Party! Whoo, baby! Please, stop! Hey, brah! I don't understand.
Are you enjoying this? Do you like this? Yeah, you know it, dawg! Whoo, baby! Corrections by XhmikosR