Rita Rocks (2008) s01e11 Episode Script
Love on the Rocks
Hava Nagila Hava nagila Hava nagila Ve nis'mecha Everybody sing it! Hava nagila Hava Nagila Hava, hava, hava, hava, hava Patty, Patty, Patty, Patty, Patty, Patty.
Wow, that is so not what I expected when you said, "How about a little soul music?" Check it.
I-I'm at my gig at Temple Beth Acheim and I heard they need a band for a bar mitzvah, so we got an audition.
No way.
(all cheering) Oh, man, I love bar mitzvahs.
My friend Daniel had one with a Harry Potter theme.
The rabbi dressed as Dumbledore.
It was very moving.
Guys, guys.
It's not much money, but if we nail this, we could get on the temple's approved band list.
I think that's how REO Speedwagon started.
Great news, everyone.
Owen has once again snatched unemployment from the jaws of success.
Aw, you didn't get the job? No, it came down to me and one other guy, and this didn't happen to the other guy.
Oh.
Don't worry about it.
You'll get the next one, buddy.
PATTY: Yeah.
Things happen for a reason.
Tell it to my wife.
I've been out of work for eight months now.
Audrey's not going to be happy about this.
Look, Owen, most the time, you come in here and we rag on you, and believe me, that's fun-- it's not going to stop-- but I just want you to know how much I admire you.
I mean, look at your kids.
They are happy.
They're well behaved.
Heck, I like 'em more than my own kids.
Don't you doubt yourself, Owen Delgado, Jr.
We applaud you.
Yes, we do.
Owen! Owen! Owen! And you know what? You're right.
Yeah.
Yeah, and Audrey's wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why sacrifice time with my kids unless it's the right job? Yes.
Yeah, and if someone doesn't want to hire me because I inherited my mother's overactive sweat glands, then to hell with them.
Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Oh! RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC (groaning) Honey, stop beating up the house.
It's not very nice.
Okay, if you're not going to fix the sink like you said you would, I'm gonna call a plumber.
Honey, I'm not paying some complete stranger to come in here and fix something I can do myself.
That would make perfect sense if you actually did it, but in the meantime, you're wasting a precious and dwindling resource: my patience.
You know what, honey? That faucet could drip for the rest of our lives and it still wouldn't compare to the time you went to the store BOTH: And left the bathtub running.
Yes, I we were out of cheese.
All right, I'll fix it tonight unless something comes up.
Which it won't.
Mom, we burned you a playlist of songs for your audition.
Oh, great.
If the bar mitzvah boy is hip, pick a song from mine.
If he's the King of Dorks, Shannon's.
My music isn't dorky, and everyone says Hannah Montana is the Madonna of my generation.
A generation of dorks.
(doorbell rings) Honey, don't call your sister a dork.
Besides, compared to my generation, you're both dorks.
Audrey, hi.
I want my coffee the minute I walk in the door.
Double espresso.
You got that? I don't have an espresso maker, but sometimes the coffee gets a little thick at the bottom if it burns.
N-N-N-N-No, I'm talking to my assistant.
Look, you really overstepped your bounds yesterday.
Who do you think you are? I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that.
You are.
I'm talking to you now.
Oh.
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah I will deal with you when I get into the office, Brett.
Seriously, what were you thinking? Are you talking to me now? Yes.
On you now.
I now have a husband who no longer wants to work, thanks to your little pep talk with Owen.
No, I didn't give him a pep talk.
I just boosted his confidence by giving him a round of applause.
He's confident, all right-- confident that it's fine to let me support our family while he wastes his time in some dinky garage band.
Well, that's not what I meant, and it's not a dinky garage band.
You know, we do have a gig.
A gig? Well, it's an audition for a gig, but since the pay is really low and it's for a bunch of 13-year-olds, no one will probably audition and then we'll probably get it, so, you know, apology accepted.
Oh, well, Owen didn't mention anything about a gig.
Well, I don't know, maybe-- and this is, you know, just a, a thought-- maybe you should talk to Owen more about the band because it really means a lot to him.
Uh-uh, who cares what you think? It was just a suggestion.
No, talking to Brett now.
He says you make a valid point.
Oh.
Thanks, Brett! Look, Audrey, I, I was only trying to help.
I didn't mean to interfere.
Well, just be more careful what you tell him in the future.
Okay, will do, will do.
Thank you.
Oh, and listen, I-I'm sorry if I insulted, you know, your, your little band.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you you were getting a a little parking ticket.
Oh, damn.
That Audrey is something else.
I told her, "You want to have a conversation with me, "you take that damn Bluetooth out of your ear and you talk to me like a human being.
" (chuckles) Whoa, you said that to her? In my head.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Owen.
Hey, Owen.
Bye, everybody.
What? Where are you going? I'm out of the band.
What?! Audrey and I had a reasonable conversation at very high volume, and, uh, she wants me to quit the band because of Rita.
What?! Owen, wait.
I can't believe Audrey won't let you play in the band.
We're this close to cracking the bar mitzvah circuit.
Thanks to you, she sees it as me spending more time with the band and less time looking for a job.
Audrey took what I said all wrong.
Ask Brett.
Ask Brett.
He heard everything.
No, no, no.
You know who's the real victim here? Little Benjamin Eichberg.
He's already got high cholesterol.
Now he's not gonna have any music.
I, I need a second.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I told Audrey me playing in the band is my thing, you know, just like her thing is going to The Oak River Grill on Tuesday nights to network with her business yahoos.
So what did she say to that? Well, let's put it this way.
One finger can say a thousand words.
Owen, Owen, I am sorry.
I was just trying to help.
It's just you seemed down and you really deserve to be happy.
It's not your fault, Rita.
I made my own bed and now I have to lie in it.
Which is fine because I'm sure she lies to me in bed, too.
We built Owen back up and then Audrey just tore him back down again.
If you ever see me doing that to Jay more than twice a week, you stop me.
W-W-Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
Didn't Owen just say every Tuesday night Audrey goes to The Oak River Grill? Yeah.
Well, it's Tuesday night.
We should go down there and have a talk with that woman and get her to let Owen back in the band.
You know what? I've got a couple of friends who could help persuade her.
Vodka and tonic.
Whoa.
So this is what the rest of the world has been doing while I'm wiping an exploded baked potato off the inside of the microwave.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, don't let these suits intimidate you.
You just be yourself.
Mark Buchanan, sales.
Patty Mannix, distribution.
Mark Buchanan, sales.
Rita Clemens, food and transportation.
Here's my card.
Oh, do the card I oh Do you have? Do you have? I thought you had 'em.
I was going to I Jeremy, I need a thousand more cards.
Oh, he is so fired.
(chuckles) It's okay.
I'll Twitter you.
Dude, dude, I'm married.
That's funny.
I'm going to use that in my next marketing powwow.
(clicks tongue) (laughs) (clicking tongue): What's? Oh, no, there's Owen's wife.
All right, let's go over there, ply her with alcohol, and have our way with her.
I you know what I we're good, yeah Ha, ha, ha.
Thank you.
Uh, put this on, on, um, Mark Buchanan's tab.
Hey, Mrs.
Delgado.
Hello.
Hi.
I know you.
How do I know you? (laughs) I'm at your front door 300 days a year.
In a postal uniform? Huh.
Are you kidding me? Is she kidding me? Is she kidding me? Audrey, Audrey, you remember, um, Patty.
She's our mail carrier.
Why are you here? Mark Buchanan from sales in-invited us.
Hey, Mark, the numbers are looking good! (chuckles, clicks tongue) Oh okay.
You're here to talk about Owen being in the band.
Aren't you? We wouldn't bother you normally.
It's just the band has an audition tomorrow and we could really use a bass player, and plus, Owen's been really down lately.
We're just worried about him.
(sighing): I know.
I know.
Everyone is so concerned about Owen.
Meanwhile, you know, he gets to stay home and be with the kids.
But does anyone ever care or worry about me? I think we're going to need something harder over here.
With tonic.
Waiter.
(laughing) It's not funny.
You know what? I can top that.
When I left for work this morning, my two-year-old looked up to me and said, "Mommy, why do you have to go to work?" Oh, boy.
Oh, the guilt kills you when they're little.
I mean, look, don't get me wrong.
I love my job, but sometimes I wonder how it's affecting my kids.
Well, that's motherhood.
I mean, every time you make a decision, you question it.
Should I sign them up for soccer? You know, do I secretly root against their team because I want the season to end? I don't know.
Do I push them to study harder or do I get 'em hooked on American Idol so I can have an extra pair of hands to text in votes? You know what? Thank you, guys.
God, I've been keeping all of this bottled up.
I mean, it's not like I can go home and complain about my job to my unemployed husband.
Audrey, Audrey, you need to get this stuff out.
That's why I started the band.
I realized that I deserve to be happy.
And so do you.
I do.
Yeah, we all do.
You, me.
Amy Winehouse over here.
And also the band that's missing a bass player for the audition tomorrow.
Okay, okay, now that we're all happy and bonding and Ya-Ya Sisterhood, can we have Owen back in the band or not? You know what? If it's what he wants to do, who am I to stop him? (chuckles) Whoo! Now, while I've got you in a good mood, would you mind trimming back the branches of that tree that hangs over? No.
Fair enough.
Jay, you should have seen us.
We totally won Audrey over.
We were like a tag-team Dr.
Phil.
Well, I think you'll be pretty happy that I accomplished something pretty amazing myself today.
You fixed the sink? No, I taught the dog how to yawn.
Ready? Watch this.
Yoda, ready? (yawns) Come on.
See, I, I thought you were going to say we no longer have any faucet problems, but I guess you had moved on to greater things.
(doorbell rings) At least we were out there empowering the working woman.
(yawns): Uh-huh.
Audrey threw me out.
How could you tell my wife she "deserves to be happy"? pened? Well, you told her she deserves to be happy, but I told her you said I deserve to be happy.
Then Audrey said she deserves it more because she's working and being a parent.
And that may have led to a casual comment about her being a dream-killer that ended with a bag being packed.
Hello.
She seemed fine when she left the bar.
I mean, she was even okay with you being back in the band.
Ah, well, yeah, you see, that would've been really useful information to have before I said the thing about her mother.
(horn honking) Well, at least you're back in the band.
Here's the sheet music.
Sorry about your marriage.
Learn it by tomorrow.
Well, I guess I'm off to a depressing motel.
Okay, buddy.
Hang in there.
Owen, give us a second to talk.
Good boy.
Jay, look, I think we should let Owen stay here.
I feel sorta responsible.
"Sorta"? Honey, why do you always have to try to fix stuff? Why do you never fix stuff? Oh, yes, I didn't fix a leaky faucet.
You unraveled a marriage.
Apples, meet oranges.
Okay, it'll just be till Audrey cools down.
I'll talk to her tomorrow.
No, no, stop talking to people.
It makes them move out of their homes.
I think Owen is in a bad way, and we should help him; don't you? Are you asking me whether he can stay or are you telling me? I'm telling you in question form.
(Owen hums) (Owen continues humming) (whistling) RITA: And there you were standing in a cowboy outfit, hitting me with a fish or with a hat, I Honey You cannot hold me responsible for things that I do in your dreams.
A little bit.
Good morning! I have eggs Benedict, crepes and homemade doughnuts.
And I hope you don't mind, but I took the dog for a walk and watered your azaleas.
Honey, would you be terribly offended if I married Owen? Mom, it's just like having you around, except without any of the annoying questions.
Gee, thanks, Hallie.
Gee, thanks, Hallie.
Everything was great, Owen.
Hey, tomorrow, can we have French toast? Honey, honey, this is not a restaurant.
Although, if you did put strawberries on top, it would add a little pizzazz.
Off you go.
Sarah's mom's waiting for you outside.
(knocking) Come in.
Hey, Rita.
Jay.
Owen.
I have had such a morning.
I'm already late for work.
Yes, you're working, and I'm not.
We're all caught up.
Look, do you have the rewards card? I'm going to the market after work.
Jay, you fixed the sink.
Hmm? No, I didn't.
I didn't have time to get to it.
It must have fixed itself.
I fixed it.
You did? Yeah, at 2:00 in the morning.
The incessant dripping was activating my bladder.
Thanks, Owen.
Yeah, thanks, Owen.
I mean, I'm sure Jay would've gotten to it.
You know, if he weren't so busy teaching the dog to yawn.
"Fixed itself.
" Okay, you know what? Can, can you just let that go? You know, there are things that you do that I could pick on.
Okay, like what? Okay, you know what? I'm not even going to bring them up.
Why? Because I'm better than that.
Yeah, all right.
Like, how many times have I asked you to go through the DVR and delete stuff? I will, okay, when I've watched them.
Hmm? But here's the thing, is you don't watch them.
So if you're not going to watch them, then why would you record them? I mean, it's, like, DVR 101.
Okay, the DVR is filled up because you put in a season's pass for Weekend Warriors.
Like you're ever gonna build a gazebo and sit there and drink tea in it.
You know what? You know what? I might.
And when I do, you can't sit in it with me.
You want me to delete stuff? I'll delete stuff.
No, no, watch.
Watch, watch me delete stuff.
Are they always like this? I don't know.
I haven't lived here that long.
Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
Okay, you don't have to say it Delete? Yes.
every time to make your point.
I got it.
Delete? Yes.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it! Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
Look, who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Oh, I'm Jay.
I'm eating my chips.
I'm eating my chips, and then what do I do? Oh, I leave the bag open so it gets stale.
What should I do? Use a chip clip.
Use a chip clip, Jay.
Yes.
It's what it's called and the directions all in one.
Ah, that, that was a wonderful show.
And I, I actually have one for you over at the porch light switch, which normal people turn off during the day.
Okay, that's going to be great.
You should see my encore, though.
I'm going to do a little demonstration on how people put CDs back into the correct cases.
Oh Have they even had their coffee? Yeah.
I brewed them the Kenyan roast.
Oh, my favorite.
Oh, I missed that this morning.
Is that a Cheerio in you hair? Yeah.
Probably.
The kids also got applesauce on my blouse and boysenberry on my Blackberry.
Yeah, it's a madhouse in the morning.
And Madeline-- she wouldn't eat her breakfast.
She just kept shouting "The zoo, the zoo.
" I don't know what that is.
Oh, no, no, no.
She meant "kazoo.
" Yeah, I I, I make up little songs, yeah.
There's a there's a breakfast song.
(plays happy tune) And, uh, oh, uh, the bath song.
(plays bouncy, joyful tune) Oh, and the, uh, the lonesome ballad of the playground dad the other moms don't trust.
(plays flat note) God, I've never wanted you more than I want you right now.
Off, on, off, on, off, on, off I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Uh, guys? What?! What?! Uh, hate to interrupt, but, uh, we're gonna go home.
Yeah, we were talking, and you know what? I mean, sure, we've got our problems, but we also realize we've got a lot more going for us than most couples.
Yeah, and by that, we mean you two.
(scoffs) Where do they get off? Thinking they're better than us.
At least the faucet's fixed.
I didn't have to cook breakfast.
Want to eat? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah Oops, I did it again BOTH: I played with your heart Got lost in the game BOTH: Ooh, baby, baby RITA and PATTY: Oops, you think I'm in love And I'm sent From above ALL: I'm not that Innocent.
Eh, I think I'm going to go with a DJ.
Captioned by Media
Wow, that is so not what I expected when you said, "How about a little soul music?" Check it.
I-I'm at my gig at Temple Beth Acheim and I heard they need a band for a bar mitzvah, so we got an audition.
No way.
(all cheering) Oh, man, I love bar mitzvahs.
My friend Daniel had one with a Harry Potter theme.
The rabbi dressed as Dumbledore.
It was very moving.
Guys, guys.
It's not much money, but if we nail this, we could get on the temple's approved band list.
I think that's how REO Speedwagon started.
Great news, everyone.
Owen has once again snatched unemployment from the jaws of success.
Aw, you didn't get the job? No, it came down to me and one other guy, and this didn't happen to the other guy.
Oh.
Don't worry about it.
You'll get the next one, buddy.
PATTY: Yeah.
Things happen for a reason.
Tell it to my wife.
I've been out of work for eight months now.
Audrey's not going to be happy about this.
Look, Owen, most the time, you come in here and we rag on you, and believe me, that's fun-- it's not going to stop-- but I just want you to know how much I admire you.
I mean, look at your kids.
They are happy.
They're well behaved.
Heck, I like 'em more than my own kids.
Don't you doubt yourself, Owen Delgado, Jr.
We applaud you.
Yes, we do.
Owen! Owen! Owen! And you know what? You're right.
Yeah.
Yeah, and Audrey's wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why sacrifice time with my kids unless it's the right job? Yes.
Yeah, and if someone doesn't want to hire me because I inherited my mother's overactive sweat glands, then to hell with them.
Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Oh! RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC (groaning) Honey, stop beating up the house.
It's not very nice.
Okay, if you're not going to fix the sink like you said you would, I'm gonna call a plumber.
Honey, I'm not paying some complete stranger to come in here and fix something I can do myself.
That would make perfect sense if you actually did it, but in the meantime, you're wasting a precious and dwindling resource: my patience.
You know what, honey? That faucet could drip for the rest of our lives and it still wouldn't compare to the time you went to the store BOTH: And left the bathtub running.
Yes, I we were out of cheese.
All right, I'll fix it tonight unless something comes up.
Which it won't.
Mom, we burned you a playlist of songs for your audition.
Oh, great.
If the bar mitzvah boy is hip, pick a song from mine.
If he's the King of Dorks, Shannon's.
My music isn't dorky, and everyone says Hannah Montana is the Madonna of my generation.
A generation of dorks.
(doorbell rings) Honey, don't call your sister a dork.
Besides, compared to my generation, you're both dorks.
Audrey, hi.
I want my coffee the minute I walk in the door.
Double espresso.
You got that? I don't have an espresso maker, but sometimes the coffee gets a little thick at the bottom if it burns.
N-N-N-N-No, I'm talking to my assistant.
Look, you really overstepped your bounds yesterday.
Who do you think you are? I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that.
You are.
I'm talking to you now.
Oh.
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah I will deal with you when I get into the office, Brett.
Seriously, what were you thinking? Are you talking to me now? Yes.
On you now.
I now have a husband who no longer wants to work, thanks to your little pep talk with Owen.
No, I didn't give him a pep talk.
I just boosted his confidence by giving him a round of applause.
He's confident, all right-- confident that it's fine to let me support our family while he wastes his time in some dinky garage band.
Well, that's not what I meant, and it's not a dinky garage band.
You know, we do have a gig.
A gig? Well, it's an audition for a gig, but since the pay is really low and it's for a bunch of 13-year-olds, no one will probably audition and then we'll probably get it, so, you know, apology accepted.
Oh, well, Owen didn't mention anything about a gig.
Well, I don't know, maybe-- and this is, you know, just a, a thought-- maybe you should talk to Owen more about the band because it really means a lot to him.
Uh-uh, who cares what you think? It was just a suggestion.
No, talking to Brett now.
He says you make a valid point.
Oh.
Thanks, Brett! Look, Audrey, I, I was only trying to help.
I didn't mean to interfere.
Well, just be more careful what you tell him in the future.
Okay, will do, will do.
Thank you.
Oh, and listen, I-I'm sorry if I insulted, you know, your, your little band.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you you were getting a a little parking ticket.
Oh, damn.
That Audrey is something else.
I told her, "You want to have a conversation with me, "you take that damn Bluetooth out of your ear and you talk to me like a human being.
" (chuckles) Whoa, you said that to her? In my head.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Owen.
Hey, Owen.
Bye, everybody.
What? Where are you going? I'm out of the band.
What?! Audrey and I had a reasonable conversation at very high volume, and, uh, she wants me to quit the band because of Rita.
What?! Owen, wait.
I can't believe Audrey won't let you play in the band.
We're this close to cracking the bar mitzvah circuit.
Thanks to you, she sees it as me spending more time with the band and less time looking for a job.
Audrey took what I said all wrong.
Ask Brett.
Ask Brett.
He heard everything.
No, no, no.
You know who's the real victim here? Little Benjamin Eichberg.
He's already got high cholesterol.
Now he's not gonna have any music.
I, I need a second.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I told Audrey me playing in the band is my thing, you know, just like her thing is going to The Oak River Grill on Tuesday nights to network with her business yahoos.
So what did she say to that? Well, let's put it this way.
One finger can say a thousand words.
Owen, Owen, I am sorry.
I was just trying to help.
It's just you seemed down and you really deserve to be happy.
It's not your fault, Rita.
I made my own bed and now I have to lie in it.
Which is fine because I'm sure she lies to me in bed, too.
We built Owen back up and then Audrey just tore him back down again.
If you ever see me doing that to Jay more than twice a week, you stop me.
W-W-Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
Didn't Owen just say every Tuesday night Audrey goes to The Oak River Grill? Yeah.
Well, it's Tuesday night.
We should go down there and have a talk with that woman and get her to let Owen back in the band.
You know what? I've got a couple of friends who could help persuade her.
Vodka and tonic.
Whoa.
So this is what the rest of the world has been doing while I'm wiping an exploded baked potato off the inside of the microwave.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, don't let these suits intimidate you.
You just be yourself.
Mark Buchanan, sales.
Patty Mannix, distribution.
Mark Buchanan, sales.
Rita Clemens, food and transportation.
Here's my card.
Oh, do the card I oh Do you have? Do you have? I thought you had 'em.
I was going to I Jeremy, I need a thousand more cards.
Oh, he is so fired.
(chuckles) It's okay.
I'll Twitter you.
Dude, dude, I'm married.
That's funny.
I'm going to use that in my next marketing powwow.
(clicks tongue) (laughs) (clicking tongue): What's? Oh, no, there's Owen's wife.
All right, let's go over there, ply her with alcohol, and have our way with her.
I you know what I we're good, yeah Ha, ha, ha.
Thank you.
Uh, put this on, on, um, Mark Buchanan's tab.
Hey, Mrs.
Delgado.
Hello.
Hi.
I know you.
How do I know you? (laughs) I'm at your front door 300 days a year.
In a postal uniform? Huh.
Are you kidding me? Is she kidding me? Is she kidding me? Audrey, Audrey, you remember, um, Patty.
She's our mail carrier.
Why are you here? Mark Buchanan from sales in-invited us.
Hey, Mark, the numbers are looking good! (chuckles, clicks tongue) Oh okay.
You're here to talk about Owen being in the band.
Aren't you? We wouldn't bother you normally.
It's just the band has an audition tomorrow and we could really use a bass player, and plus, Owen's been really down lately.
We're just worried about him.
(sighing): I know.
I know.
Everyone is so concerned about Owen.
Meanwhile, you know, he gets to stay home and be with the kids.
But does anyone ever care or worry about me? I think we're going to need something harder over here.
With tonic.
Waiter.
(laughing) It's not funny.
You know what? I can top that.
When I left for work this morning, my two-year-old looked up to me and said, "Mommy, why do you have to go to work?" Oh, boy.
Oh, the guilt kills you when they're little.
I mean, look, don't get me wrong.
I love my job, but sometimes I wonder how it's affecting my kids.
Well, that's motherhood.
I mean, every time you make a decision, you question it.
Should I sign them up for soccer? You know, do I secretly root against their team because I want the season to end? I don't know.
Do I push them to study harder or do I get 'em hooked on American Idol so I can have an extra pair of hands to text in votes? You know what? Thank you, guys.
God, I've been keeping all of this bottled up.
I mean, it's not like I can go home and complain about my job to my unemployed husband.
Audrey, Audrey, you need to get this stuff out.
That's why I started the band.
I realized that I deserve to be happy.
And so do you.
I do.
Yeah, we all do.
You, me.
Amy Winehouse over here.
And also the band that's missing a bass player for the audition tomorrow.
Okay, okay, now that we're all happy and bonding and Ya-Ya Sisterhood, can we have Owen back in the band or not? You know what? If it's what he wants to do, who am I to stop him? (chuckles) Whoo! Now, while I've got you in a good mood, would you mind trimming back the branches of that tree that hangs over? No.
Fair enough.
Jay, you should have seen us.
We totally won Audrey over.
We were like a tag-team Dr.
Phil.
Well, I think you'll be pretty happy that I accomplished something pretty amazing myself today.
You fixed the sink? No, I taught the dog how to yawn.
Ready? Watch this.
Yoda, ready? (yawns) Come on.
See, I, I thought you were going to say we no longer have any faucet problems, but I guess you had moved on to greater things.
(doorbell rings) At least we were out there empowering the working woman.
(yawns): Uh-huh.
Audrey threw me out.
How could you tell my wife she "deserves to be happy"? pened? Well, you told her she deserves to be happy, but I told her you said I deserve to be happy.
Then Audrey said she deserves it more because she's working and being a parent.
And that may have led to a casual comment about her being a dream-killer that ended with a bag being packed.
Hello.
She seemed fine when she left the bar.
I mean, she was even okay with you being back in the band.
Ah, well, yeah, you see, that would've been really useful information to have before I said the thing about her mother.
(horn honking) Well, at least you're back in the band.
Here's the sheet music.
Sorry about your marriage.
Learn it by tomorrow.
Well, I guess I'm off to a depressing motel.
Okay, buddy.
Hang in there.
Owen, give us a second to talk.
Good boy.
Jay, look, I think we should let Owen stay here.
I feel sorta responsible.
"Sorta"? Honey, why do you always have to try to fix stuff? Why do you never fix stuff? Oh, yes, I didn't fix a leaky faucet.
You unraveled a marriage.
Apples, meet oranges.
Okay, it'll just be till Audrey cools down.
I'll talk to her tomorrow.
No, no, stop talking to people.
It makes them move out of their homes.
I think Owen is in a bad way, and we should help him; don't you? Are you asking me whether he can stay or are you telling me? I'm telling you in question form.
(Owen hums) (Owen continues humming) (whistling) RITA: And there you were standing in a cowboy outfit, hitting me with a fish or with a hat, I Honey You cannot hold me responsible for things that I do in your dreams.
A little bit.
Good morning! I have eggs Benedict, crepes and homemade doughnuts.
And I hope you don't mind, but I took the dog for a walk and watered your azaleas.
Honey, would you be terribly offended if I married Owen? Mom, it's just like having you around, except without any of the annoying questions.
Gee, thanks, Hallie.
Gee, thanks, Hallie.
Everything was great, Owen.
Hey, tomorrow, can we have French toast? Honey, honey, this is not a restaurant.
Although, if you did put strawberries on top, it would add a little pizzazz.
Off you go.
Sarah's mom's waiting for you outside.
(knocking) Come in.
Hey, Rita.
Jay.
Owen.
I have had such a morning.
I'm already late for work.
Yes, you're working, and I'm not.
We're all caught up.
Look, do you have the rewards card? I'm going to the market after work.
Jay, you fixed the sink.
Hmm? No, I didn't.
I didn't have time to get to it.
It must have fixed itself.
I fixed it.
You did? Yeah, at 2:00 in the morning.
The incessant dripping was activating my bladder.
Thanks, Owen.
Yeah, thanks, Owen.
I mean, I'm sure Jay would've gotten to it.
You know, if he weren't so busy teaching the dog to yawn.
"Fixed itself.
" Okay, you know what? Can, can you just let that go? You know, there are things that you do that I could pick on.
Okay, like what? Okay, you know what? I'm not even going to bring them up.
Why? Because I'm better than that.
Yeah, all right.
Like, how many times have I asked you to go through the DVR and delete stuff? I will, okay, when I've watched them.
Hmm? But here's the thing, is you don't watch them.
So if you're not going to watch them, then why would you record them? I mean, it's, like, DVR 101.
Okay, the DVR is filled up because you put in a season's pass for Weekend Warriors.
Like you're ever gonna build a gazebo and sit there and drink tea in it.
You know what? You know what? I might.
And when I do, you can't sit in it with me.
You want me to delete stuff? I'll delete stuff.
No, no, watch.
Watch, watch me delete stuff.
Are they always like this? I don't know.
I haven't lived here that long.
Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
Okay, you don't have to say it Delete? Yes.
every time to make your point.
I got it.
Delete? Yes.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it! Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
Look, who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Oh, I'm Jay.
I'm eating my chips.
I'm eating my chips, and then what do I do? Oh, I leave the bag open so it gets stale.
What should I do? Use a chip clip.
Use a chip clip, Jay.
Yes.
It's what it's called and the directions all in one.
Ah, that, that was a wonderful show.
And I, I actually have one for you over at the porch light switch, which normal people turn off during the day.
Okay, that's going to be great.
You should see my encore, though.
I'm going to do a little demonstration on how people put CDs back into the correct cases.
Oh Have they even had their coffee? Yeah.
I brewed them the Kenyan roast.
Oh, my favorite.
Oh, I missed that this morning.
Is that a Cheerio in you hair? Yeah.
Probably.
The kids also got applesauce on my blouse and boysenberry on my Blackberry.
Yeah, it's a madhouse in the morning.
And Madeline-- she wouldn't eat her breakfast.
She just kept shouting "The zoo, the zoo.
" I don't know what that is.
Oh, no, no, no.
She meant "kazoo.
" Yeah, I I, I make up little songs, yeah.
There's a there's a breakfast song.
(plays happy tune) And, uh, oh, uh, the bath song.
(plays bouncy, joyful tune) Oh, and the, uh, the lonesome ballad of the playground dad the other moms don't trust.
(plays flat note) God, I've never wanted you more than I want you right now.
Off, on, off, on, off, on, off I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Uh, guys? What?! What?! Uh, hate to interrupt, but, uh, we're gonna go home.
Yeah, we were talking, and you know what? I mean, sure, we've got our problems, but we also realize we've got a lot more going for us than most couples.
Yeah, and by that, we mean you two.
(scoffs) Where do they get off? Thinking they're better than us.
At least the faucet's fixed.
I didn't have to cook breakfast.
Want to eat? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah Oops, I did it again BOTH: I played with your heart Got lost in the game BOTH: Ooh, baby, baby RITA and PATTY: Oops, you think I'm in love And I'm sent From above ALL: I'm not that Innocent.
Eh, I think I'm going to go with a DJ.
Captioned by Media