Roommates s01e11 Episode Script

What does this look like to you? No idea.
Little plastic something or other.
- Why? - I found it in my belly button.
Hey, what are you doing? - Those sandwiches are for my mom.
- You have a mom? I thought you were raised by sarcastic wolves.
- Meat and cheese platter.
- What time's your mom coming? Any minute now.
She has her first date since the divorce.
It's been like two years.
That's a long time to go without any action.
Not really.
It's gonna be fine but just to make sure, I'm having her stay over here after her date.
Unless she gets lucky.
James's mom getting it on till the early dawn.
I guess I deserve that for all the ribbing I've given you.
I'm good.
No more ribbing.
For her pleasure.
I've got more.
Are you worried about your mom dating? Worried? Heck, no.
I'm excited that my mom is dating in the age of medicine that can give a middle aged man a 24 hour wood monster.
Sometimes it can last as long as three days.
It can get you through the depressing holiday season, though.
Mrs.
Mckee! Welcome back, Mrs.
Mckee.
- Thank you.
- Mother? Baby! I'm Tom.
It's nice to see you again.
Have we met? No, but I saw you when you came in, and now I see you again, which is nice.
I'm not very good with small talk.
And I'm Mark.
I'm the newish roommate.
Lovely to meet you.
- How was your trip? - Great.
I'm glad you're here, mom.
Look at you.
You made those little sandwiches that you make.
You're such a good son.
Well, just saying I love you with meat.
I miss that hair.
You girls keep your hands off him.
Oh, we'll try.
It's not easy with hair like that.
I know.
OK, mom, there's people.
Did James tell you? I'm down here for my first date in a long time.
He mentioned it.
He's very excited for you.
I've been doing a lot of research, and I have tons of questions.
Ask away.
So tell me, what exactly is a landing strip, and should I have one? Landing strip.
Well, that's it's Katie, Hope, wanna field this one? - I'm good.
- Nope.
Thank you.
Where did you even hear such a term? You know I volunteer at the church where I work with troubled teens, and I heard some of the girls talking about it.
There's a reason those teens are troubled, mom.
I'm sorry, but I have a lot of questions.
Everything seems so much more complicated now.
It totally is.
It's a jungle down there.
Out there.
It's a jungle out there.
Can we just not talk about this? Sweetie, you're a grown man now.
We should be able to talk openly about all kinds of stuff.
- So can I still call them rubbers? - Oh my god.
- We call them condoms now.
- Can you please not enable her? She needs to know this stuff.
You don't want a surprise baby brother.
Relax, James, your mom is just curious.
You have to get used to the fact that your mom is sexual being.
I'm just glad to know it doesn't go away.
It really doesn't.
Getting older seems like fun.
It's true.
Sexual desire can actually increase with age.
All right, I'm outta here.
It's really nice to see you again.
Hi there, Melinda.
Oh, my.
- How do I look? - Awesome.
You're gonna give that date of yours a heart attack.
Don't even joke about that.
It's hyperbole when you're 20, but when you're 50, it's a very bad night in the E.
R.
Well, it's all very exciting.
Can I tell you something? I have high Hopes for tonight.
Oh, so do we.
We just came in here to have a little girl talk.
You know, like girls do.
You see, Melinda, When a man loves a woman Did James ask you to give me the talk? He sent a text.
That's so sweet of him.
I know how it all works.
I'm just not sure how it works now.
Great.
Phew, OK.
Hope just chime in here, I guess one big difference now is that women don't have to wait for the man.
- Now we can make the first move.
- We can? - There are a few classics.
- Like the reapplying of lip gloss.
I like the reapplying of lip gloss.
It brings the guy's eyes to your mouth.
Do you still have my revlon creme gloss? I know you're lying.
It's my favorite.
I don't have it.
OK, I have it.
Creme gloss thief.
OK, what else? - What about the linger? - What's the linger? If you're into him, you wait for him to say something sweet, and then you put your hand on his shoulder like this.
Then you just let it linger there.
Or if he's super hot, and you know you want it, you can just let it linger a little closer to the zipper.
Let's role play, shall we? I'm a guy, and I just said something that wasn't funny, but you should pretend it is.
OK, let me get into character.
Good, you're a sexy, desirable woman, and you know exactly what you want.
You go get it, mama.
Oh, Darren.
That's so funny and charming and sweet.
Very nice.
I hope she's OK.
I texted her but she responded with a photo of her steak.
I do that too.
That way, if you get hungry again later, have a picture to remember the good times.
Maybe they're at the airport watching the planes come in, on the landing strip.
Have I been notice a little awkwardness between you and Mark lately? You think? I thought Mark was a nice, sweet guy, but then he kissed you and me, and then he kissed that girl at the bar.
Maybe Mark's a he-ho.
A he-ho? A he that's a ho.
I did not see that coming.
Do you think you like Mark? I don't know.
I might.
He-ho lover.
Mom? You're home.
Oh, thank god.
No more dating for you.
Nice to see you again.
This time it makes sense.
How'd it go? How did it go? She's back and she's OK.
We got lucky this time.
- Here, tell us everything.
- Girl talk.
Guys, get lost.
Go to the bar and do what you do best.
Watch hot chicks hit on James.
Got it.
- Can I, mom? - Oh, sure.
- Drink responsibly, OK? - Will do.
Again, glad you're OK.
How was your date? It didn't go great.
He took me to one of those korean barbecue places where you cook your own food.
I did all the cooking and he spent the entire evening talking about himself If I had wanted that, I would've stayed married.
I'm sorry.
No, it's OK.
I couldn't expect my first date in ages to be a slam dunk.
The important thing is Good for you.
Now I guess I just go back to Connecticut tomorrow that big lonely house.
Do you have to go back tomorrow? I don't have to.
Then stay.
I guess those troubled teens can wait.
I mean, after all, they're already troubled.
Right.
OK, I'm staying.
Great, and again, sorry about the date.
No, it's OK.
It gave me the perfect excuse to hang out with you guys.
- Night.
- Night.
Good night and don't worry about me, girls.
I am perfectly fine.
Just fine.
Fine fine fine.
What? She hasn't cleaned like this since the divorce.
- What's wrong with cleaning? - Cleaning's good.
Not that way she does it.
It's not clean until it's behind the refrigerator clean.
Come on, on three.
One Two, three! Why won't she leave? Hope and I may have indicated that she could stay as long as she wants.
Close that.
I don't want you to see me cry.
Are you gonna be a while? Because i really have to go.
It's okay, go ahead.
And the cleaning I can't clean anymore.
Last night I had a dream I was a janitor, and I got in a fight with the plant manager In the boiler room, and he put on his rubber gloves, and I woke up screaming.
It's been a long week.
It's only been three days.
It's getting to be a tad much.
She said she wanted to alphabetize my shoes.
Somebody do something, please.
We can't just ask her to leave.
At some point she's gonna start thinking it's her.
It's her.
She was all excited to date and it didn't go well.
- She's scared.
- Wait.
She just needs to feel good about herself again.
- I got this.
- What are you gonna do? Moms love me.
I'm gonna use the old fletcher charm.
I gotta see this.
- Where is everybody? - Not sure.
Probably just messing around.
Not making a mess, just messing around.
I don't mean to pry, but I get the feeling something's bugging you.
No, I'm fine.
I just wanna say, that there are a million guys out there who would kill to be with a smart, successful, beautiful woman like yourself.
- Really? - Totally.
That's so sweet.
You know how to make a person feel better.
Can you excuse me for just one second? - Okay, what just happened? - She did the linger.
And she did it well.
- You taught her that? We didn't know she was gonna do it on you.
am I gonna do? You just go out there and you let her down easy.
- I just talked her up.
- But you did it too well.
I need to get a job.
I need to get out of this apartment.
I've been saying that for weeks.
James is gonna freak when he finds out his mom wants to hook up with the Markinator.
Markinator? It was either that or Jurassic Mark.
But ultimately Tom and I thought that lack of roar's central power of Markinator.
Come on.
Get out there.
Sit down, Mark.
I was thinking, While I was in the other room, where I was, That, well perhaps Go on.
Mrs.
Mckee, you are one of the most fascinating, exciting, vivacious women i have ever met, but yet I Dang it, there it's again.
That guy's a face-sucking machine.
You kissed me, James' mom.
I did And I liked it.
I have something to say, but I need to whisper it.
I've to be right back.
- That could've gone better.
- What is wrong with you? Lots of stuff.
Why? You were kissing Melinda.
She wants to take me to a hotel.
She whispered filthy things she wants to do to me, right here in this ear.
Feel it.
It's burning hot.
What were you doing out there? You've to stop kissing every woman you see.
I don't kiss them.
They kiss me.
She kissed me.
You kissed me.
The mom kissed me.
Kelly at the bar was mutual, Jenny with the girl crush, James told me I was having a threesome, back off.
You were out there telling her she's fascinating, exciting, vivacious.
I was trying to let her down easy.
All we have to do is find a way to make you unappealing to Melinda.
How do I make the Markinator unappealing? What about that other thing? What? Jurassic Mark? No? Chicks love that.
Trust me.
That'll work.
Careful, it's gonna backfire.
Hey there, Melinda.
At least you didn't call me James's mom.
Why would I do that? I know who you are.
Could you give me a second? I'll be right back.
Come with me.
This is just between us, - but I made a terrible mistake.
- What's wrong? I lingered on Mark, kissed him and invited him to a hotel.
But I think it really freaked him out.
Why? He was doing this very strange thing with his arms.
Oh, dear.
This may come as a surprise to you all but, After my date, I was having a hard time.
- Really? - We did not notice that.
It's true, but I've always been good at hiding those things.
Then Mark said all these sweet things to me, and all these emotions came up, and, I think I should go.
favor and let Mark down gently for me after I've gone? - I think we can do that.
- Sure.
Thanks.
If either of you two has designs on him I suggest you go for it.
He's got something special.
But not this.
He should never do that.
Turn the water on.
I need to be cleansed.
Thank you all for a wonderful time.
- It was quite an adventure.
- You're gonna be fine.
In addition, the place is spotless, so thanks for that.
- Goodbye, Mark.
- Goodbye I'm Jurassic Mark.
- I'll walk you out, Mom.
- I have a car service waiting.
Take care.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
- James, listen - you have three seconds.
You can spend them talking or running.
- One - I think I'll run.
What? I think you might wanna say something to me.
- What? - The thing I know you want to say.
- What is that? - You know.
Please.
I've been through enough.
- What? - Thank you.
Fine, thank you.
For - Making.
- Making out with my mother? Making my mother feel better.
Thank you for making my mother feel better.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for making my mother feel better.
I appreciate it.
It was an act of Freakishness? Friendship.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Now we will never speak of it again.
But one more thing: your mother is a Really good kisser.