Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e11 Episode Script

HILDA: Hello? Cousin Monty.
How nice to hear from you.
Here's Zelda.
Hi, Monty.
Well, yes, we'll be home for Christmas Eve.
Why? You're kidding.
I was sure you'd have other plans.
Of course, you're always welcome.
We'll spend the holidays together.
No trouble.
We'll see you tomorrow at 7, then.
You invited Cousin Monty? How could you? He's family.
He shouldn't be alone for the holidays.
But he's so annoying.
Well, you should have said something.
Smile when you say that, partner.
[ZELDA HUMMING.]
- Ooh, a hot mulled cider.
- You want some? Let me mull it over.
Every Christmas that gets a little less funny.
SALEM: I'll take more eggnog.
This time, don't skimp on the Christmas cheer.
Oh, no liquor for you, Salem.
Your little kitty liver can't handle it.
Give me a break.
You know I always get depressed this time of year.
- Why? - Well, for one thing, I'm a cat.
Come on, just try and have a little Christmas spirit.
[SINGING.]
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, bah Now that's enough.
You don't have to enjoy the Christmas season, but you will not ruin it for the rest of us.
[SINGING.]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Stupid cat.
- Salem, were you in my closet again? - Yeah, so? You ruined my Christmas sweater.
- Yeah, so? - It meant a lot to me.
You shouldn't have hidden your diary under it.
- You were reading my diary? - It's dull.
SABRINA: I told you 1,000 times, stay out of my stuff! SALEM: When I was a teenager-- - Stop it, you two.
It's Christmas Eve, and I don't want any more arguing.
Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology.
- Now.
- I'm thinking of how to word it.
Try, "I'm sorry.
" SALEM: Somehow that just doesn't feel right.
Forget it.
I don't have time for this.
I've got to meet Harvey at the Slicery.
But now I've got to change, thanks to you.
Since you thanked me, can I ask a favour? Excuse me, cat? You want a favour? Yeah, can I tag along to the Slicery? I've got a touch of cabin fever and I'd really like to-- Are you insane? I wouldn't bring you to the Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth.
Man, what's her problem? You are so self-centred.
Even for a cat.
How about we leave you alone to think about what you've done.
And when Sabrina comes back downstairs, I suggest you apologise.
Say you're sorry.
Hmm.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner.
Oh, Harvey's gift.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
- That's okay.
It's good for me to read Sports Illustrated.
I'll have something to talk about with my dad during church.
Anyway, here.
This is for you.
- Thanks, it was so sweet of you-- - Open it.
Please.
I'm kind of nervous.
- About what? - About whether you'll like it or not.
I love it.
It's beautiful.
A silver necklace.
Technically, it's a choker.
I just learned that.
- Help me put it on? - I hope it's the right siZe.
My sister helped me pick it out and she's got a neck like a linebacker.
Your dad must be really proud.
- It looks pretty.
- Oh, hey.
I've got something for you.
Salem? How did he get to this? My cat ruins everything.
Hey, no big deal.
I was gonna rip it open anyway.
Here.
Wow, a scarf.
It's great.
- I made it myself.
- You knit? I made it myself.
- It fits.
- We both got each other neck stuff.
MAN: Number 17, your piZZa's ready.
That's us.
I ordered the Christmas piZZa.
- With the red and green peppers? - Yep.
So this is the Slicery.
Man, what a dump.
Hey, look, parsley.
I think it's mistletoe.
Mistletoe? Yeah.
Go ahead.
Give her a Christmas kiss.
I bet she'd like that.
Wouldn't you? Okay.
Is that what I think it is? [SALEM MEOWING.]
- What was that? - Salem, I can't believe this.
Who let a cat in here? Sabrina, isn't that yours? He must have crawled into my bag.
Oh, this cat belongs to you? We don't allow animals in here.
You let a mouse in.
There's no mouse.
I saw no mouse.
Now get that dirty cat out of here.
No, not through the front door.
Cats are a health haZard.
Take him through the kitchen.
And don't come back.
SALEM: Who'd want to? Dirty cat? I was the cleanest thing in the whole place.
You are in so much trouble.
I have never been so mad - at you in my entire life.
- What's the big deal? There was a mouse.
I chased it.
- End of story.
- Not end of story.
You got me kicked out of the Slicery.
It's the one place I had privacy.
Don't talk to me about privacy.
I'm the one who has to relieve himself in a box in the kitchen.
You know how hard it is to get that faraway stare going? Like anyone's watching.
Hey, Sabrina, are you back there? Harvey's coming.
Now, be quiet.
Oh, meow.
I mean it.
I got the piZZa to go.
Are you okay? No, I'm getting attitude from my cat.
Sometimes I wish I could just argh him.
Oh, come on.
Cut him some slack.
After all, his brain's only the siZe of a walnut.
[MEOWS.]
? That's an excellent point, Harvey.
Sometimes I forget he is just a stupid cat.
A stupid, stupid, stupid cat.
- I feel better.
- Good.
- Come on, I'll walk you home.
- Okay, just give me a sec.
- Salem, get in the bag.
Get in the bag! - No.
Get lost, biped.
I don't need you to get home.
Fine.
Stay in the trash for all I care.
- Let's go.
- You know that's cute, talking to your cat.
Yeah, if only I could get him to listen.
No, no.
You can't make me.
We agreed.
You promised you would do the cooking this year.
But you're a much better cook than I am.
I have prepared Christmas dinner for the last 280 years.
It's your turn.
- But-- - Hilda, you're not getting out of it.
[HILDA GROANS.]
I hate cooking.
MAN: Hello? Is anybody home? ZELDA: Monty! HILDA: Monty.
Glad tidings to all.
I come bearing figgy pudding.
ZELDA: Oh.
And you're familiar with my familiar.
Merry Christmas, Newt.
NEWT: Oh, I forgot my fruitcake.
You didn't mention you were bringing an extra mouth.
Oh, Hilda, how much can one little newt eat? Besides, any friend of Monty's is welcome in this house.
I'm delighted to hear you say that, Zelly, because I have something to declare.
Come forth, my lovely.
Ladies, meet Lulu.
Happy holidays.
Oh, it's awful crowded in there.
Do you mind if I stretch? - Isn't she a pip? - Oh, she's pippy all right.
Of course, she doesn't have a nickel to her name.
I wish I could have married money like Cole Porter, but, Lord help me, I'm attracted to this.
Hey.
Man, I'm glad I didn't invite Harvey in.
Sabrina, you're just in time to meet our guests.
- This is Monty.
- Charmed.
- And Lulu.
- Hi.
I can roll my tongue.
Oh, and this is Salem's oldest and dearest friend, Newt.
NEWT: Oldest and dearest friend, my tail.
You know, it's Salem's fault that I'm a salamander in the first place.
Newt was into Salem's scheme for world domination.
Way into it.
NEWT: Yeah, he promised me Denmark.
So where is the dear boy? Out catting around? Catting.
Last time I saw him, he was in a dumpster behind the Slicery.
He said he'd find his own way home.
You left him outside? - You know he's a house pet.
- He'll be fine.
Salem's the only cat in town that can call a cab.
[SINGING.]
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor Oh, that's all the sea shanties I know.
They must be plenty worried about me now.
Time to head home.
[SALEM SCREECHES.]
Kitty, kitty, are you all right? You don't look hurt.
But I'll just take you home to make sure.
Zelda, you've really outdone yourself.
Delicious hot mulled cider.
It tickles.
- Did you hear something? - Oh, I hope it's Salem.
Tell him I'm still mad at him.
- Salem? BOY: Hey, lady! [KIDS LAUGHING.]
No, it's just a bunch of kids throwing snowballs.
Watch out for the ice.
[KIDS SHOUTING.]
Where is Salem, anyway? Probably out having the time of his life.
I can hear your heart, kitty.
You're going to live.
Rex, wash up.
It's time for dinner.
- What's that? - A kitty.
I can see it's a kitty, but where'd he come from.
He followed me home.
Can I keep him? Oh, well, you know how your mom is about pets, and we still don't know where the snake is.
- I won't lose the kitty.
- Hm.
Please, it would be the best Christmas present ever.
Keep him in your room.
I'll talk to your mom about it tomorrow.
Right now she has her family over, and it's not a good time.
Come on.
Let's get ready for dinner.
- Guess what I named him.
- What? - Stinky.
- Okay.
And I've got some names for you too, kid.
Ooh, phone.
Isn't he marvellous? - I just can't keep my feet off of him.
- You seem like you're really in love.
Well, she's just so darn flexible.
I still think we should have waited for Salem.
It's not like him to miss a meal.
I hope he's okay.
It's getting cold out.
He has a fur coat.
Can we change the subject? Let's talk about Monty.
I wanna know everything about you.
- I was born in a lighthouse-- [PHONE RINGS.]
- I'll get it.
- A lighthouse? In Nebraska? It explains the hat.
Hello? Oh, hi, Salem.
Need a ride? Help me.
I've been kidnapped.
And I'm wearing a nightgown.
- What? Where are you? - Some kid's room.
He knocked me out behind the Slicery.
I came to just in time to see his house.
It has a white door and a Christmas wreath.
Is this a joke? - Hello? Who is this? - Sabrina.
Do you have my cat? Sorry, Sabrina.
He's my cat now.
- Wait.
Don't hang up.
- Phone's not for Stinky.
Now I have to go eat dinner.
But later, I'm gonna give you a nice long bath so you'll be all clean for Santa.
What have I done? What have I done? Salem's been kidnapped.
HILDA: Kidnapped? ZELDA: By who? A little boy with a lisp.
What does he want? I'll pay whatever it is.
He doesn't want money.
He wants Salem.
But remember, I offered.
We have to get him back.
Can we use magic to find him? You can't file a missing witches report for 24 hours.
- Oh, but we can't wait a whole day.
- Calm down.
We can look for Salem the mortal way.
What do we know? Okay, he's trapped in a house with a white door and a Christmas wreath.
Which in July would have helped us, but right now we need more information.
He's also wearing a nightgown.
Interesting but irrelevant.
We should return to the scene of the crime.
The alley behind the Slicery.
Let's go.
We'll go with you.
- I'm stuck.
- Plan B, we'll hold down the fort.
[SINGING.]
God rest ye merry, gentlemen Let nothing you dismay I'm so alone.
[SOBBING.]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Hello? They're all closed up for the holidays.
Where's Hilda? No Salem, but I found a lot of crusts.
What's with people? It's my favourite part.
We've got trash and more trash.
We have nothing.
He's our only eyewitness and he's no help.
Well, we haven't asked.
Hey, what's going on? Coolio, cool.
We need some information.
Oh, well, as you can see, that's right up my alley.
We were wondering if you'd seen our cat.
Well, hanging out in this alley, I see a lot of cats, so you gotta be more specific.
Well, he's a black cat, about this tall.
- And he talks.
- Oh, the talking cat.
I remember him.
He was singing sea shanties.
Then he got hit by a bike.
He got hit? Was he hurt? No, but the kid took him home just to be sure.
- Which why did they go? - Down that way, and to the left.
- Did you see anything else? - The kid's wheels had a vanity plate.
His name was Rex.
That's Latin for "king.
" Anyway, I gotta get back to work.
So are you guys coming to the concert? It's sold out.
Can you get me tickets? Sorry.
I'm just an alley poster.
Try a billboard.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, Mr.
Coolio.
Word to your mother.
Right.
Okay, we're on his tail.
Now we know who, when, how, and sort of where.
Let's start knocking on doors.
Salem? I need a plan.
What would MacGyver do? You know, if he were a cat.
It's a craZy idea, but it just might-- No, that won't work.
But that might.
Bye, Grandma, see you next year.
Stinky? Where are you, Stinky? - Help.
Dad.
Dad.
Dad! - Yes.
Oh, no, Stinky's gone.
Oh, yay.
Stinky's back! - I told you to keep him in your room.
- I'm sorry, Daddy.
It'll never happen again.
I'll make sure of that.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
- What do you want? - I'm sorry to disturb you.
I was looking for my cat, and I was wondering if you'd seen it.
The cat? No.
My mom won't let me have a pet.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- You have a lisp.
- So? - What's your name? - None of your business.
Rex, who's at the door? Rex, you have my cat.
Give me back my cat.
- What's going on here? - Your son has my cat.
No, I'm afraid you must be mistaken.
My little Rex doesn't have a cat.
- See? - Look, I know he's lying.
Salem? - Salem? - Sabrina? - Salem.
- Sabrina! - Can I just check his room? - That's enough.
Now, don't make me call my husband.
Go away.
And Merry Christmas.
It's all my fault.
I never should have left him alone.
Oh, he'll be okay.
Even before he was a cat, Salem always landed on his feet.
But if it weren't for me, he'd be home.
I could kick myself.
I can kick myself.
Can we focus? Okay, we have five witches and a newt, - we should be able to do something.
- I've got it.
We all hide inside a giant wooden horse.
That worked so well the last time.
What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem? Too risky.
If the boy sees you, you're caught.
How will you explain it? I wouldn't.
I'd just knock him down and run out as fast as I could.
Oh, good plan.
Bad plan.
Well, maybe I just got a better one.
Who is that? Santa.
Is that you? Ho-ho-ho.
The other kids said that you didn't exist, but I knew you did.
I knew it.
Yeah, yeah, now listen, Rex.
We need to talk.
Did you bring me presents? Yeah, I did.
Ho-ho-ho.
I brought you a, uhspatula.
And this Neil Diamond box set.
Neil Diamond? Didn't you get my fax? You'll get more presents tomorrow.
Right now, I need to talk to your cat.
- What do you want with Stinky? - Well, see, you got the wrong cat.
Actually, he belongs to a sweet little blond girl, who misses him very much.
Tough luck.
Well, if that's how you feel about it, then let me just give Stinky his Christmas present.
It's in the bag.
In the bag, hint, hint, hint.
Okay, lot of houses to hit.
See you next year.
- Santa, you have my cat.
- Gotta go.
- You can't steal my cat.
- Watch me.
Santa's stealing my cat.
Santa's stealing my cat! Rex, Rex, what's going on? Santa stole my cat.
Oh, honey, no, no, no.
You must have been dreaming.
You don't have a cat.
Well, I saw him.
It was real.
He gave me this spatula.
SABRINA: We're ho-ho-home.
SALEM: Merry Christmas.
HILDA: Oh, Salem, you're back.
ZELDA: Safe and sound.
SALEM: It is a wonderful life.
And you know what I realised? There are worst places to be during the holidays than with your family.
ALL: Here, here.
LULU: Hooray.
ALL [SINGING.]
: Don we now our gay apparel Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Toll the ancient yuletide carol Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Well, it's after midnight.
Let's exchange gifts.
SALEM [WHISPERING.]
: Psst.
I got you something, but it's upstairs.
- So where's my present? - It's more of a promise than a present.
- No present? - Wait.
You'll like it.
I promise to appreciate you and respect your privacy.
- From now on? - No, for like a week.
- That's it? - Okay, ten days, - but that's my final offer.
- Deal.
For you.
A ring.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Marry me.
I don't care if you're poor and have no spine.
- Marry me.
- Monty, I would love to be your wife.
And here, this is for you.
Oh.
Oh, you shouldn't have-- My dear, this is a solid-gold cigarette case.
But you're a circus act, how could you afford this? Oh, I forgot to tell you.
My dad's loaded.
Oh, dear girl.
This is the best Christmas ever.
ZELDA: I'd like to propose a toast.
To family, and to friends.
ALL: Merry Christmas.
NEWT: And to all, a good newt.
I think someone's really happy to be home.
Yeah, he's been having a great time all morning.
Next year, I don't think I'll even bother to buy him a gift.
This is good.
This is so good.
Oh, the wrapping.
Greens and reds.
Whoa, it's the best Christmas ever.
And it's great to be home.
Yes, yes, yes.
I think he likes my paper best.
[IMITATING JET SOARING.]
Honey, don't you wanna ride your new motocross bike? No.
You haven't played with your basketball.
- How about one on one? - No.
- How about you're new train? - No.
- Your dump truck? - No.
- Your volcano? - No.
Rex, give Daddy the spatula.
No, Santa gave it to me.
It's the best Christmas present ever.
He loves it so much.
Where'd he get it? I guess the same place he got that Neil Diamond CD.
Hey, Dad, will you put on "Sweet Caroline" again? BOTH: No!