See Dad Run (2012) s01e11 Episode Script

- Okay, next question.
- Mm.
Okay, okay.
Here we go.
Buzzers ready.
"A process used by plants to convert light energy into chemical energy is" That is so easy.
"Convertus lightus energius.
" Am I close? Hmm? Not at all-ius.
Eliminated! You are not the brain trust.
Hit the floor, girlfriend.
Go, Emily.
Duh.
It's photosynthesis.
Booyah! U-g-l-y, you ain't got no alibi You ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly Okay, follow-up question "Who was the quarterback for the 1969 Super Bowl champion New York Jets?" Okay, the only quarterback I know is Finn fromGlee.
Uh, duh.
The answer is Joe Willie Namath.
Right? Booyah! U-g-l-y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly Yeah, yeah, you ugly Hit the floor, girlfriend.
And now for the tiebreaker between David and Joe.
Hands on buzzers.
- Final category history.
- Oh, gosh.
I've never beaten dad before, ever.
Oh, he's got the best buzzer skills.
Wait.
I should probably poop first.
- No, I can hold it.
- Good.
If you're wrong, we all lose.
"In 1773, the colonists engaged in the Boston tea party because the Tea Act violated what right?" Uh, the right to Throw your tea into the harbor in favor of a frothy latte! Janie.
What? That's hilarious, dad.
Everybody knows it was no taxation without representation.
- Whoo! - That's right! - Yeah! - And the winner of the family brain trust goes to Joe! Joe, baby! - You get to wear the brain.
- The brain.
- All right, good stuff.
- Awesome.
Thanks for letting me win, dad.
That was pretty awesome of you.
You know what? Since we're both great at history, we should sign up for the Annual History Bowl at school.
- We should.
- Yes.
We're gonna dominate.
I'm in.
- This is so awesome.
- So awesome.
Get me out of this.
I knew it.
You didn't let him win, did you? Amy "Frothy latte" was my real answer.
I don't know anything about history.
- Hey, dad? - Yeah? Thanks for teaming up with me.
Next week we're gonna be the dynamic duo of history, like Lewis and Clark.
You got it.
Who the hell's Lewis and Clark? - Honey, help me out here.
- What? If you don't know anything about history, why'd you agree to enter the history bowl? What am I gonna do? Really? I you know, it's a sad day when your kid realizes you're not perfect, that you don't have all the answers.
- I remember the day I lost Emily.
- Mm.
I was doing long division with her, and she looked at me like I was a primate.
That's the look, right there! Oh, man.
I need to practice my buzzer skills.
Dad's so fired up for this.
I can't let him down.
I let your father down once, Joe.
And trust me, I will never mistake - All right, let's do this, man! - Okay, I'm ready.
You ask me questions and time me on how fast I hit the buzzer.
All right.
"What kind of milk does your father prefer in his latte?" You would think! But Joe, what's more awesome than me? Nothing's more awesome than you, David.
Listen, Joe, I've got two tickets to the caltech robot wars.
What do you say? Awesome! Okay, but here's the problem.
Got one little problem.
It's on the same night as the history bowl, so So History bowl it is.
Yes.
I was hoping you would say that.
I can tell by the look on your face you dangled the nerd carrot, and the kid didn't bite.
I don't believe this.
I don't believe it.
I have to learn a thousand years of history by Friday.
If not, I'm gonna embarrass myself and my son And more importantly, myself.
Honey, it's only been, what, about 400 years since the pilgrims landed on Plymouth rock? Wait.
Those are the Thanksgiving guys, right? Aw.
See, my little chicken knows something, right? He just needs a little refresher course.
What should I do watch the History channel? You know, I tried doing that, honey.
Seriously, there wasn't a laugh to be found.
I was suggesting you read a history book.
What, you're serious? Really? It's not bad enough that I'm gonna embarrass my son, now you want me to read? My God, when will this nightmare end? Why don't you make him a frothy latte? Kevin, don't ever take me to that godforsaken place again.
I mean it.
I forgot how much it freaks me out.
It was so quiet too.
I mean, every time you would speak, people would go I-I promise, David.
I will never take you to the library again.
And, seriously, what's with all the books? What, do they collect them? Are they hoarding them? And, you know, to add insult to injury, they wouldn't even take my credit card.
It's on the honor system.
Once you're done with this history book, you bring it back.
Back? I'm not going back.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey.
You got to check out this History channel special.
It's about the war of 1812.
The war of 1812 Which took place in Huh, 1812.
Oh, hey, look, Lewis and Clark.
- What's that big book? - Uh Phone book.
What's a phone book? - Can I see it? - Uh No, Joe, you can't.
See, actually, it's it's not a phone book.
It's a It's a secret manifest.
See, I'm a I'm a secret agent for the government.
No way.
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding you, and you can't tell anyone.
Oh, wow.
I didn't believe you until you said I can't tell anyone.
That's totally what a spy would say.
I have so many questions.
No, uh, Joe, I can't answer any questions Especially ones about history.
Okay, I need to leave the room, otherwise I won't be able to contain myself.
- Hi, guys.
- Okay, what was that? You are not a government agent.
I went to the library and got a history book.
Enough with the lies, dad.
Hold on.
He's got a book.
His eyes are glazed over.
I think your father actually did go to the library.
And if I have any chance of helping Joe win this history bowl, you've got to teach me how to use this thing.
It's worse than you think, dad.
I just found out who's running the history bowl The woman who tried to ruin my life, my fifth-grade teacher Mrs.
Brickleman.
She was the only teacher who gave me a "B," even though I So deserved an "A"! I was wronged! Emily, everyone considers Mrs.
Brickleman to be a fantastic teacher.
Well, she's not.
She's got you all fooled.
Remember this? This is your fifth-grade report card.
See the "B"? It's right there! It also says that you're a pleasure to have in class.
Yeah, because she took great pleasure in giving me a "B.
" I think you're being a little paranoid, sweetheart.
You know, people always think the truth teller is crazy, but really, they end up being the tellers of the truth! Who's paranoid now you or me, hmm? You're gonna say me, aren't you? - She's all yours, David.
- Yeah.
Sweetie, I-I, um I believe you.
Yeah? But you you still got to help me with history, okay? All right, here's what you do.
You take the book, go into lockdown mode no interruptions.
Text me after each chapter.
I will come quiz you.
- All right, I'm on it! - Uh, dad? - Yeah? - The book.
Right.
David, I'm so proud of you for buckling down to learn the material.
- David.
- Aah! - Aah! - Oh, my God! Oh.
Page one history's my thing here.
- How long have you been asleep? - This history thing is brutal.
And at the rate I'm going, it's gonna take me four years.
And by then, there will be even more history to remember.
It's a vicious cycle.
Okay, honey, honey, you've got to focus.
You've got to focus.
Will you read it to me? Fine.
While I take a bath? Not a chance.
- While you take a bath? - Chapter one What are you doing? Oh, it's the next step to my history bowl training intimidating the opponent.
How's this for a scary stare-down? Hilarious.
You're gonna have to work on that face.
Try this.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I ate your fancy yogurt.
I promise I'll buy you some more.
Joe, you got to get yourself together.
This isn't about yogurt.
The entire reputation of the Hobbs family lies on your shoulders.
If you crumble just because I do this Okay, I read your diary.
I don't have a diary.
I know, but you're so scary, I'll confess to anything.
We're doomed.
Brickleman is gonna eat you alive.
But good luck, and have fun out there! Yeah.
You've got to be kidding me! - Hey, here we go! - Page one! Starting now.
- Really, mom? - Oh, honey, it's not my fault.
Your dad fell asleep, and he dragged me down with him.
Oh, honey, it's amazing.
It's amazing.
It's like my brain is allergic to this material.
Mm.
How am I gonna explain this to Joe? - Dad, you in there? - Yeah! Just tell him the truth.
He'll be okay.
You'll feel better.
You got a minute? Sure.
What's up? I know how much it means to you, but I can't go through with this history bowl thing.
What if I choke? What if I can't handle the pressure? I feel like quitting.
I understand.
It's probably for the best, Joe.
Good talk, son.
I do feel better.
I'm so glad you're okay with me quitting the history bowl.
I really thought you'd be disappointed.
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, Joe.
I was actually looking forward to kicking some fifth-grader parent butt.
But we're good, right? Yeah.
I feel much better avoiding this challenge and taking the easy way out.
All right.
- Dad? - Yeah? I think you just taught him that quitting was okay, and I don't think parents are supposed to do that.
Yeah, I know, it's the rule.
Joe, come back here! Yeah, dad? We'll leave you two alone.
Try not to fall asleep.
Joe, sit down.
- Listen, we can't quit.
- Why not? You said we could.
I-I know I said that, but we can't quit, Joe, because it's important to you, and and and I'm scared too.
No, you're not.
You're just trying to make me feel better.
No, I wish I was.
Joe, I-I don't know anything about history, and I never have.
Oh, man.
"Frothy latte" was your real answer? We are so toast at the history bowl.
No, we're not.
We're not toast, Joe.
We're Hobbs.
We're gonna do this.
We're gonna go to that history bowl, and we're gonna show them what we're made of! Unless you want to go to the caltech robot wars.
"The statue of liberty was a gift to the United States from" Let me think.
Um, it was, um Frank.
France! Dad, Brickleman's not gonna let you use crib notes at the history bowl! I don't get it.
I've seen you memorize a 50-page script in a couple hours.
Why can't you remember anything from this book? I don't know, Emily.
It's like, when I'm onstage and I'm I'm in wardrobe and I'm telling the story, it helps me remember it.
It's like I'm living it.
- Marcus? - Mm-hmm.
Can you turn this book into a script for me? Um, no problem.
But World War I is gonna need some jokes.
It's just flat.
And action! With wind and snow, the conditions are treacherous.
But I, George Washington, am hoping this battle will be an important turning point as we land on the banks of Trenton.
I'm cold and wet, general Washington.
Line? That was your line.
I want more.
Like father, like daughter.
Let's try it again.
Now action! With wind and snow, the conditions are treacherous as I, George wa Uh, sorry, David.
But it's this kind of realism that'll help you remember.
- Action! - Let the women vote! - It's been too long! - Seriously, dude! President Woodrow Wilson, congress has ratified the 19th amendment.
On this day, August 26, 1919, you ladies win the right to vote after a 70-year struggle.
Yay! Now that it's done, go forth and name a bunch of high schools after me.
Congratulations, Mr.
Armstrong.
You are the first man to ever land on the moon.
July 21, 1969 One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
Oh! Abort the mission! Abort the mission! It's okay.
And the last question for the students, Marley Luton and Joe Hobbs, is What are the first ten amendments to the constitution called? Oh, yeah! Check out my buzzer skills! Ooh, how about this one? How about this one? How about this one? Whoo! How about you answer the question, Mr.
Hobbs? Oh, yes, the, uh, bill of rights.
Correct.
Did you see that the way she said "correct"? This is killing her.
Oh, yeah, we've got her on the ropes.
The Hobbs are now going into the parent round leading by one.
And your question Who became the first leader of the Tuskegee Institute in 1881? Booker T.
Washington.
Correct.
Mission San Juan Capistrano.
Correct.
Lewis and Clark.
Incorrect.
Mr.
Luton? - Correct.
- Right.
Where did the continental soldiers land after crossing the Delaware? Oh, no.
Dad, you know this one.
It's, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, um Oh, oh Uh, with wind and snow, the conditions are treacherous, but I, George Washington, am hopeful that this battle will be an important turning point as we land on the banks of Trenton.
Trenton! - Just in time.
- Oh! Where did the Wright brothers' first motorized flight take place? I, Orville Wright, on December 17, 1903, flew for 12 seconds Mr.
Hobbs, I need you to come in for a landing - and answer the question.
- For a distance of 120 feet in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.
- Correct.
- Oh! All right! Yes! Whoo! And we're all tied up for the final question.
Whoever answers correctly will be this year's winner.
Did you see that? She looked me right in my face when she said the word "be.
" "Be" this year's winner.
Who was the leader of the confederate army? Jefferson Davis.
Mm, incorrect.
Mr.
Hobbs? This wasn't in your script! I may have short-changed the confederate army just a little in my play.
The only thing I know about the confederate army is I-I did a guest spot on the Dukes of Hazzard where I was in that red car with the confederate flag on top called the general Lee.
Is that your final answer? - Yes.
- Correct! Oh! David and Joe Hobbs win the seventh annual history bowl! We did it, dad! Yes, we did.
Congratulations.
You're more awesome than I ever thought.
Why, because I learned the answers? No, because when I was scared, I wanted to quit, but when you were scared, you refused to give up.
That's why you're awesome.
And also, you're in the CIA.
All right, Joe, I'm not really Prepared to talk about that right now.
You never know who's listening.
- Oh, got it.
- All right, come on, let's go.
- Oh, come here, sweetie.
- Oh! Yes.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- No one knows how to hide their secret intelligence better than you.
Yes.
Call me Hobbs, David Hobbs.
Well, well, well, Mrs.
Brickleman, I'm sure you don't remember me.
I could never forget you, Emily.
Even if I tried, the emails and the monthly phone calls would be a subtle reminder.
Mrs.
Brickleman, I got one "B" all through elementary school, and it was in your class! Let me ask you something, Emily.
Have you gotten a "B" since? - Not one.
- So I've done my job.
I don't understand.
Emily, some students are exceptionally talented, but they take that for granted and stop working hard.
I didn't want that to happen to you.
So I was right.
I did deserve an "A.
" I'm not crazy! Thank you, Mrs.
Brickleman.
Oh, you're not crazy, Emily, although I don't understand why you're so upset about it.
I sent a letter to your parents explaining everything.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
Emily's got a letter from her teacher, Mrs.
Brickleman.
It's probably about that "B" that she's so upset about.
Oh! I'm on the cover of People again.
Amy! Look at this picture! It looks great!