Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e11 Episode Script
Math Lab
Welcome back, everybody.
The results are in from the student physicals.
And good news is, the doctor Andrew brought in says everyone is in great health.
The bad news is, he wasn't a doctor but just someone Andrew met down by the harbor.
Well, that's hardly my fault.
He introduced himself to me as "the infamous doc fondler.
" Well, in my opinion, he was a very talented physician.
He was able to diagnose my fanny crabs 4 days before they even showed up.
Well, right or wrong, this is the kind of screw-up the parents are gonna blow out of proportion at tonight's parents' night.
Oh, that's tonight? Gee, that's kind of no good for me.
See, I'm trying to set up a sex date.
I'm sorry, Ennis, but that's not an acceptable excuse.
N-n-n-note from my doctor.
"Please excuse Ennis from work tonight.
He has a potentially debilitating case of sexual buildup.
" Is this a joke? Well, this isn't a friggin' bones.
They're all jokes.
Yes, they want us to be wall-to-wall funny.
But if you mean, "is this for real?" Yes, it is.
I just left his office.
This is the worst case of sexual buildup I've ever seen.
If you don't obtain third-party release by tonight, God knows what kind of damage your excess testosterone could do.
Isn't there something you can do, Dr.
fondler? Well, normally I could, but since all the press, I have quite a bit of seaman backup myself.
Well, yes.
Of course, our brave men who dress as sailors come first.
You'll be here, Ennis.
Everyone will.
Uh, what if we have a sex date? I just said that's no longer an excuse.
Oh, sorry.
I think my fanny crabs have spread to my ears.
I guess that's why they say, "don't use your ass as a pilla.
" Tonight is awfully soon for a parents' night, Sue.
Don't you think? I mean, we don't even know these kids' names, much less what their problems are.
Well, maybe we can find one really scary problem and say all the kids have it.
Teachers who don't care.
Low Simpsons retention.
A fake doctor undressed me.
Duh, pilla crabs.
Oh, come on.
We can't just come up with some arbitrary problems, like nonexistent promos or drugs-- drugs! Like in the pilot.
Drugs are great! No, drugs aren't great.
You know the rules.
You can't talk about drugs without showing their negative effects.
Oh, you're not a negative effect, baby.
You're a permanent consequence.
Yes, you are.
Who's a big permanent consequence? You know what? I think that might have covered it right there.
Well, there is a company called Pflaxo who has offered to sponsor an anti-drug presentation at the school.
Maybe we can have them do that on parents' night.
It'll look like we put it together just to help the kids with their problems.
I guess that could work.
What kind of company is Pflaxo? It's a drug company.
Thanks to Pflaxo pharmaceuticals, Billy can get the grades he needs to graduate, mom can get out of bed to see it, and dad can pretend he's not into guys.
Pflaxo-- there's a pill for it.
Hi, everyone! I'm Kelly from pflaxo! If y'all take your applause pills now That's ridiculous.
A pill can't make you-- thanks! Side effects of ovatia may include fun.
Ha ha ha! And migraines and diarrhea.
Well, thank you, Kelly, and thank you, pflaxo pharmaceuticals for agreeing to help put on knob haven's anti-drug presentation.
It really creates the impression for parents' night that we care.
Oh, we're happy to help.
It's a great way to keep kids off drugs while pointing out to their parents the benefits of drugs.
Am I the only one that is bothered by a drug company sponsoring an anti-drug night? Let me ask you something.
Do you drink coffee? Sure, but I can quit anytime I want.
Well, until pflaxo makes a blend, you're gonna have to quit now.
You're on pflaxo turf! I'm sure you'll agree there is nothing hypocritical about pflaxo fighting the scourge of street drugs and those of our competitors.
What you're saying is actually the definition of hypocritical.
Larry, can I talk to you "hot chick" to "nerd who thinks he might have a chance with her?" Sure, yeah.
Yes.
I'm a drug rep.
We're very hot, whip-smart women who use what we got to get what we want.
And right now, I want you-- I'm yours.
Let's do it.
Let me finish.
I want you to be the drug czar of this school.
You can even wear this outfit I sewed myself.
Wow.
What can't you do? Actually, go all the way with you.
But I sure can tease.
So, if you ever want this body of mine, your job number one is to confiscate all drugs in this school that aren't made by pflaxo! Ok, I'll do it, but only because of the shape of your face and body.
God.
I don't know why I'm jealous of some woman who's not interested in Larry.
Could it be because I'm also not interested in him? Still, I'd like to volunteer to do some anti-drug stuff, too, like sewing or teasing.
Well, I suppose I could put you in charge of refreshments.
Your budget is $9.
00.
But I don't know how to budget.
I'm too pretty for that.
Well, it's a good thing I'm not.
I'll help you.
There's tons of fun little things I know, like cutting coupons, and making coupon sandwiches, painting your tongue to look like a worm to trick small birds into dying in your mouth.
Hey, that does look like a worm.
Oh, no, that is a worm.
I think I'm slowly dying.
I guess it's all part of nature's beautiful rotting process.
Everybody, as my first act as drug czar, I need to confiscate all your drugs now.
Well, your bad drugs, which are defined as non-pflaxo drugs.
"Pflaxo-- there's a pill for it.
" I need your drugs, Willard.
You on anything? Oh, just the basics.
These are for my kidneys.
And these are for my bladders.
And this one keeps my liver on the inside.
Stuart, can I talk to you? This is a leech.
These make me taste good to leeches.
I was checking out this anti-drug pamphlet that the pflaxo tease gave us.
It's actually got some good advice.
Oh, this one keeps my toenails from fusing into a single hoof.
To get the kids off drugs, we have to get them addicted to something else.
I was thinking math.
I want you to build a state-of-the-art math lab.
Meth lab? Wow.
Unless these pesky ear crabs are affecting my hearing, I could have sworn Larry just asked me to build a meth lab.
Well, if our drug czar wants a meth lab, I'm sure he's gonna use it to show the negative effects of drugs.
Drug-free is the way to be, right, Willard? Sorry, my pancreas just clocked out.
Hey, it tickles a little.
Death tickles.
Who'd a thunk it? There's hair in this sandwich.
Heh heh.
I distinctly remember choosing not to pack a hair sandwich today.
Wait a minute.
My God.
My hair let go of my head.
Ah! That's why I needed that medicine.
Oh, no.
If I'm bald, I'll never get third-party release.
I need some sex, and quickly.
Well, it's always quickly, kids, but, well, I can still get it for free because of my hair, you see.
Maybe I can help.
Helen--of course.
We can harvest your mustache hair for transplant.
No! This isn't a mustache! It's a lip brow! And I only get it when I go off my meds or I don't shave.
Hey, but we should be able to get our old meds back at parents' night.
Parents' night? I'll lose half my hair if I'm not balled by then.
That's why I'm here! I just found out my arch rival Lisa Turbig is coming for parents' night tonight.
She's got the perfect life--big career, rich husband, 2.
5 kids.
I mean, I guess giving birth to just a pair of legs is kind of sad, but she's always rubbing it in my face that she's a mom and I'm not.
I just have to show her that I have a child, too.
I need you to sleep with me and give me a baby! Oh, Helen, that would take at least 9 months.
And even once I did get aroused, I think it would take, like, another 12 months for you to lay the egg.
But this is a school.
There's always a baby lying around here somewhere.
But where? Uh, I need to borrow merch for parents' night tonight.
Well, I've got my hands full as it is right now.
And I suppose I'm not going to miss any developmental milestones.
Oh, yeah.
I've reached all the milestones.
Well, except for the locusts.
Mmm, OK.
But this is my precious, precious angel.
So, feed it if you think of it.
Hey, hey, hey! I don't know why watching Larry make a fool of himself over that drug rep who doesn't even have feelings about him is bothering me.
Could it be because I also don't have feelings for him? But I want the food at this event to blow him away.
And how can I do that with only $9.
00? Wow.
I've never used the word "only" and "$9.
00" together before.
But don't worry.
We're going to places so cheap that their names are cheap jokes.
I just want you to know that I've got the school almost completely drug-free.
And what is this? It's a big bottle of none of your business.
That's a drug.
Drugs are bad.
Look, this is just for my restless leg syndrome-- or, as the gentleman at the show pavilion calls it, "stop kicking my face, lady.
" Uh, maybe you're getting a little carried away.
Carried away? I am ze drug czar, und I have people carried away! You went off your drugs, didn't you? Coffee.
But I don't miss it.
I don't miss it! I'm looking for some kind of medicine to keep my hair from falling out, but our school is now pflaxo turf, and the only hair restorer they make is called pflaxo turf, and it only works on pubes.
Thanks.
Are you a regular patient? No.
My usual guy was arrested for impersonating a doctor.
That's against the law? Get rid of these! Um, Gus will be out for the rest of the day.
Oh, that's just great.
So, I guess that leaves sexual sex-making as my only hair-retaining option up in here! Did you say you work at a school? Yeah.
We have parents' night tonight.
Heh! That's hot.
You're hot.
I like you.
Let's make a sex date.
You read my-- I'm gonna stop you right there.
I'm not a big "reader.
" I can't believe all this food we got.
But we didn't get a dessert.
What do you think this is? But that's expired cough syrup.
Oh, you see "cough.
" I see "syrup.
" What's going on here? What is this? This is for parents' night refreshments.
I guess drug rep Kelly isn't the only hot, uninterested in you woman who can do it all.
This isn't pflaxo.
This will make Kelly crazy.
Throw it down the chute.
How dare you! Easy, miracle.
If there's one thing I learned as a boy, it's don't sass the czar.
Well, we've got all the stuff for the meth lab that Larry wants so badly for parents' night, but we forgot the most important ingredients-- the ingredients! Of course! Cough syrup is the main ingredient in meth.
It's amazing that you can figure out how to build a state-of-the-art meth lab based on the Florida state police's website on how to spot a meth lab.
Don't do it.
Don't you do it.
You're in a library.
Quiet down! Quiet down! Quiet down! What? Boob? You want the boob? Wah! Oh! You're getting your first tooth! Now, these are the moments I assume a mother lives for.
Oh, sorry.
I've just been so hungry since I went off my gag enhancer.
As a result, I've been keeping my food down, and my jokes haven't been landing.
See? See? How do you think I feel? I'm shaving 4 times a day.
Boy, in a way, we were doing much better when we were allowed to take drugs.
Yeah.
This is a really lousy anti-drug message, especially in front of the d-I-k.
Oh, yeah.
Away took they my medicine dyslexic.
Ok, so we come off a tad pro-drug.
But it's not like we make drugs look glamorous and fun.
We're back.
We're making kind of a yummy summertime meth.
It's a lighter tweak, fun for sharing, with a real itchy finish, just a real face-clawer.
Happy, what's next? The phosphorus is brought to a boil-- oh, God.
Even translating this, I feel that I'm subject to prosecution.
This can take up to 40 minutes, so we cheated.
I had happy go ahead and put up a batch ahead of time.
Happy? Oh! Isn't that nice? Oh, I wish you could smell this at home.
Oh, a visitor! And just in time.
Please welcome drug czar Larry! Taste this.
See if you can guess my secret ingredient.
It rhymes with "dinnamon.
" That's right-- it's sodium diethylinnamon.
Is this crystal meth? Stuart What the luck, indeed, ha! That I got all this cough syrup and can make lots of meth just like you told me to.
I said "math.
" You were supposed to build a mathematics lab! Oh, no, kids do not care for math.
But they'll gobble up that meth.
Just don't tell them it's good for them.
It's not good for them! Stuart, it's parents' night.
We're gonna have 200 of them here in a few hours.
200? I can never make that much meth.
No, look, you misunderstood me.
I didn't want you to make it at all.
No one can know about this.
Got it.
It'll be our secret, partner.
D-don't call me "partner.
" You're my friend.
And you've got a problem, and I'm just helping you deal.
Yeah.
You're my "dealer.
" Let's go back to "partner.
" Clean up this mess.
I'll get rid of the drugs.
Well, that's it for us, I guess.
What's that? Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest.
What a treat-- Regis Philbin! Pippa tells me you've got "meth.
" What is "meth"?! I want to try "meth!" So, this is where sweetie pie told us he'd make the drop? Drug drop bridge.
Oh, I just got why they call it that! Sorry I'm late.
I thought it was "fall forward.
" But I'm ready to make that drop now, sweetie pie.
Wait! You didn't already make the drop? Then who did we see? Someone's movin' in on our turf! Mister Big's not gonna like that.
Our meth covers this state like a Caravaggio fresco.
Knob haven high I think it's time for us to go back to school.
But you already have a master's in art history.
Why would you-- oh.
Heh heh heh.
That's a worthless degree.
Hello.
I'm here for parents' night.
Helen Klench.
What a surprise to find you here.
Why, I thought you'd be out cruising for parking meters and other inanimate riffraff.
Lisa Turbig, so good to see you.
Yawn! I'm so tired.
Yawn.
You know how exhausting babies can be.
You have a baby? Oh, not only do I have a baby, but I have a baby withA tooth! That's right, Lisa.
I've been able to manage a career and motherhood, just like you.
Hmm.
Funny, you don't seem to have a ring.
Oh, it must be so hard to be a single mother, huh? Well, I have a husband, all right! A real husband? Or just some jiggly-armed tire store beckoner? Hmm? You're obviously referring to my Christmas card.
No.
My husband's a real man, a manly man.
And you might as well be the first to know that in just under 2 years, we're gonna hatch another one of these things! Wah! Pah, pah, pah! Well, well, well.
We hear you got quite a meth lab goin' here, Larry.
Um, I don't know what you're talking about.
But it's nice to see a positive anti-drug representation.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Larry, Larry, no one here is anti-drug.
We just want to wet our beaks.
Drug money is how we pay the bills.
Yeah.
My mother's in a beautiful condo in Boca because of drug money, pal.
Hey, that's a really touching drug story there, Mike.
Well, I got rid of the stuff.
Up high, partner-dealer.
Don't me that.
And we've got new problems-- cops outside who think I'm a dealer and now want a piece.
Oh, don't worry.
There's plenty for all.
I made more.
Stuart, what's wrong with you? Hey! We know you're on our turf! We're in charge of drugs around here! Ohh.
Great.
Kelly warned me about these rival drug company reps with their teasy voices.
I do not need this while I'm still off coffee.
I don't have time for you, honey! Beat it.
This turf is taken.
You're asking for a fight? Oh, I'm pretty sure I could take you, sweetie pie.
Don't make me hurt you.
Wow.
You're really tough.
Oh, thank you.
But it's just a woman I'm threatening.
Oh, that's what I thought at first, too.
But that's actually that high-pitched killer drug dealer who came by here earlier asking for a cut of our action.
Regis warned me about them.
Boy, if you think that he can talk when he's not tweaking-- who's Joey bishop? So, he wants a fight, huh? Well, we'll give him one.
Move in, boys! Well, this is why I hate parents' night.
What is going on out there? I can explain.
Funny story, really.
Stuart built a meth lab instead of a math lab.
Well, excuse me if I don't break out into a happy dance-- which, unfortunately, a part of me is doing because of my restless leg syndrome.
But you're the drug czar, Larry.
You can't have people making drugs.
What are you, on drugs? We probably should run.
So, I hope you don't mind that we have to start the evening at this school.
Are you kidding? I love getting down to business at school.
You're really special.
You're the kind of girl who could make my hair come back.
Oh, I'll make it come back, all right.
But I have to warn you-- side effects may include nausea, muscle stiffness, and temporary blindness.
But no uncontrollable diarrhea? Sounds sexy.
Heh.
This is a trial, so you'll need to sign some forms.
What a--what is this? You're a professional? You're a drug rep.
I used you to get into knob haven.
It was the only way to break the stranglehold pflaxo has on this turf.
You used me.
And all I ever tried to do was use you.
I may have a bad rep, but you are one! Clever.
Hey.
I need those, you pharmaslut! Nice.
You're making it worse, you prescriptease! Wow! I'm out of here, before I'm out of hair.
Damn it! Well, you may be a single mother, but hey, at least you've got the father look going for you, too.
Oh, there you are, my sweet wife and baby.
And who are you? I'm Helen's husband RoyBoy.
Roy boy.
You can tell by my big, fat gut that I like my beer like I like my women.
Sports.
This is your husband? Yeah.
For some reason, I don't think she looks gross.
How is that baby we made by Doing intercourse toward each other? Don't worry.
I can pass every butch test but one.
Helen, Roy boy, we gotta get out of here.
Run! Oh.
That's the one.
Aah! Oh, no.
He's from england.
Yes, mister big? That's Ms.
Turbig.
Now, did you take care of that meth dealer? I'm after him, right this-- oh.
Well, isn't this funny? Oh, this is funny.
It's just got to be perfect.
Why do we have the squirrel hearts next to the dodo beaks? Relax.
It looks perfect.
It's like history reheating itself.
Oh, hi, Larry.
Just threw all this together myself because I'm capable! Is that twice-spoiled fish? Boy, if I wasn't being chased by an angry mob.
Oh.
On that, run.
Let's go! Hey! Wait up.
We can't get out this way! We're surrounded! I guess the jig is up.
And by "jig," I'm not referring to the jig my foot is actually doing.
Looks like they're stopped at the food table.
We might have out-flitted them.
Wait! The chute down to the basement-- the drug business is just not what it used to be.
Tell me about it.
I don't know if it's the Internet or the video games, but every year, it gets harder and harder-- to reach the kids.
To reach the kids.
Uhh! Hello, police! We are under siege in the knob haven High School basement.
We'll be right there.
They're in the basement.
Wow, they got here quick.
We're doomed! And all because we dared to say no to drugs! That's not why.
Drugs are bad! Well, I went off my drugs, and I've never felt better.
FeltBetter Hey, everyone, Willard's in a coma! You think that's bad-- I got stuck with a teething baby just because I stupidly tried to compete with a drug dealer.
Me, too.
And because of that Kelly, I missed my baby's first tooth.
Well, we've certainly learned our lesson-- drugs and drug companies always win.
Well, drugs sure made me a winner.
I'm co-hosting with Kelly Ripa next week while Regis recovers.
He's such a crank, but boy, does that man talk like he's on crank.
Hey, where is that last batch of meth you made? Oh.
Is that what you set down on my food table next to the dipping sauce? Now you're gonna get it! It's all over! Wait.
What's happening? They're changing color.
They're getting sick.
They must have taken the drugs.
This is it.
We're finally showing the negative effects of drug use! You're kidding me.
They cut that? They cut the negative consequence.
It was a little gross.
Well, still, they were all taken to the hospital after consuming Stuart's bag of meth, and I think that's a hell of a lesson.
Oh, is that what you said you were looking for? No, that bag of meth is right here in my left hand.
Oh, there you are, meth.
Here.
I'll put you in my left hand.
Sorry.
I guess my ear crabs are becoming brain crabs.
I have got to get back on my meds.
Wow.
I guess it was the really, really old and awful food that made them sick.
Well, drugs are probably saving their lives as we speak.
Yay, drugs! Drugs are better than not having drugs! Larry, let it go.
Warning kids about drugs isn't a job for teachers or television.
It's a job for parents.
You're right.
It's just a shame that with all the drugs we dealt with, we didn't see one single negative consequence.
The results are in from the student physicals.
And good news is, the doctor Andrew brought in says everyone is in great health.
The bad news is, he wasn't a doctor but just someone Andrew met down by the harbor.
Well, that's hardly my fault.
He introduced himself to me as "the infamous doc fondler.
" Well, in my opinion, he was a very talented physician.
He was able to diagnose my fanny crabs 4 days before they even showed up.
Well, right or wrong, this is the kind of screw-up the parents are gonna blow out of proportion at tonight's parents' night.
Oh, that's tonight? Gee, that's kind of no good for me.
See, I'm trying to set up a sex date.
I'm sorry, Ennis, but that's not an acceptable excuse.
N-n-n-note from my doctor.
"Please excuse Ennis from work tonight.
He has a potentially debilitating case of sexual buildup.
" Is this a joke? Well, this isn't a friggin' bones.
They're all jokes.
Yes, they want us to be wall-to-wall funny.
But if you mean, "is this for real?" Yes, it is.
I just left his office.
This is the worst case of sexual buildup I've ever seen.
If you don't obtain third-party release by tonight, God knows what kind of damage your excess testosterone could do.
Isn't there something you can do, Dr.
fondler? Well, normally I could, but since all the press, I have quite a bit of seaman backup myself.
Well, yes.
Of course, our brave men who dress as sailors come first.
You'll be here, Ennis.
Everyone will.
Uh, what if we have a sex date? I just said that's no longer an excuse.
Oh, sorry.
I think my fanny crabs have spread to my ears.
I guess that's why they say, "don't use your ass as a pilla.
" Tonight is awfully soon for a parents' night, Sue.
Don't you think? I mean, we don't even know these kids' names, much less what their problems are.
Well, maybe we can find one really scary problem and say all the kids have it.
Teachers who don't care.
Low Simpsons retention.
A fake doctor undressed me.
Duh, pilla crabs.
Oh, come on.
We can't just come up with some arbitrary problems, like nonexistent promos or drugs-- drugs! Like in the pilot.
Drugs are great! No, drugs aren't great.
You know the rules.
You can't talk about drugs without showing their negative effects.
Oh, you're not a negative effect, baby.
You're a permanent consequence.
Yes, you are.
Who's a big permanent consequence? You know what? I think that might have covered it right there.
Well, there is a company called Pflaxo who has offered to sponsor an anti-drug presentation at the school.
Maybe we can have them do that on parents' night.
It'll look like we put it together just to help the kids with their problems.
I guess that could work.
What kind of company is Pflaxo? It's a drug company.
Thanks to Pflaxo pharmaceuticals, Billy can get the grades he needs to graduate, mom can get out of bed to see it, and dad can pretend he's not into guys.
Pflaxo-- there's a pill for it.
Hi, everyone! I'm Kelly from pflaxo! If y'all take your applause pills now That's ridiculous.
A pill can't make you-- thanks! Side effects of ovatia may include fun.
Ha ha ha! And migraines and diarrhea.
Well, thank you, Kelly, and thank you, pflaxo pharmaceuticals for agreeing to help put on knob haven's anti-drug presentation.
It really creates the impression for parents' night that we care.
Oh, we're happy to help.
It's a great way to keep kids off drugs while pointing out to their parents the benefits of drugs.
Am I the only one that is bothered by a drug company sponsoring an anti-drug night? Let me ask you something.
Do you drink coffee? Sure, but I can quit anytime I want.
Well, until pflaxo makes a blend, you're gonna have to quit now.
You're on pflaxo turf! I'm sure you'll agree there is nothing hypocritical about pflaxo fighting the scourge of street drugs and those of our competitors.
What you're saying is actually the definition of hypocritical.
Larry, can I talk to you "hot chick" to "nerd who thinks he might have a chance with her?" Sure, yeah.
Yes.
I'm a drug rep.
We're very hot, whip-smart women who use what we got to get what we want.
And right now, I want you-- I'm yours.
Let's do it.
Let me finish.
I want you to be the drug czar of this school.
You can even wear this outfit I sewed myself.
Wow.
What can't you do? Actually, go all the way with you.
But I sure can tease.
So, if you ever want this body of mine, your job number one is to confiscate all drugs in this school that aren't made by pflaxo! Ok, I'll do it, but only because of the shape of your face and body.
God.
I don't know why I'm jealous of some woman who's not interested in Larry.
Could it be because I'm also not interested in him? Still, I'd like to volunteer to do some anti-drug stuff, too, like sewing or teasing.
Well, I suppose I could put you in charge of refreshments.
Your budget is $9.
00.
But I don't know how to budget.
I'm too pretty for that.
Well, it's a good thing I'm not.
I'll help you.
There's tons of fun little things I know, like cutting coupons, and making coupon sandwiches, painting your tongue to look like a worm to trick small birds into dying in your mouth.
Hey, that does look like a worm.
Oh, no, that is a worm.
I think I'm slowly dying.
I guess it's all part of nature's beautiful rotting process.
Everybody, as my first act as drug czar, I need to confiscate all your drugs now.
Well, your bad drugs, which are defined as non-pflaxo drugs.
"Pflaxo-- there's a pill for it.
" I need your drugs, Willard.
You on anything? Oh, just the basics.
These are for my kidneys.
And these are for my bladders.
And this one keeps my liver on the inside.
Stuart, can I talk to you? This is a leech.
These make me taste good to leeches.
I was checking out this anti-drug pamphlet that the pflaxo tease gave us.
It's actually got some good advice.
Oh, this one keeps my toenails from fusing into a single hoof.
To get the kids off drugs, we have to get them addicted to something else.
I was thinking math.
I want you to build a state-of-the-art math lab.
Meth lab? Wow.
Unless these pesky ear crabs are affecting my hearing, I could have sworn Larry just asked me to build a meth lab.
Well, if our drug czar wants a meth lab, I'm sure he's gonna use it to show the negative effects of drugs.
Drug-free is the way to be, right, Willard? Sorry, my pancreas just clocked out.
Hey, it tickles a little.
Death tickles.
Who'd a thunk it? There's hair in this sandwich.
Heh heh.
I distinctly remember choosing not to pack a hair sandwich today.
Wait a minute.
My God.
My hair let go of my head.
Ah! That's why I needed that medicine.
Oh, no.
If I'm bald, I'll never get third-party release.
I need some sex, and quickly.
Well, it's always quickly, kids, but, well, I can still get it for free because of my hair, you see.
Maybe I can help.
Helen--of course.
We can harvest your mustache hair for transplant.
No! This isn't a mustache! It's a lip brow! And I only get it when I go off my meds or I don't shave.
Hey, but we should be able to get our old meds back at parents' night.
Parents' night? I'll lose half my hair if I'm not balled by then.
That's why I'm here! I just found out my arch rival Lisa Turbig is coming for parents' night tonight.
She's got the perfect life--big career, rich husband, 2.
5 kids.
I mean, I guess giving birth to just a pair of legs is kind of sad, but she's always rubbing it in my face that she's a mom and I'm not.
I just have to show her that I have a child, too.
I need you to sleep with me and give me a baby! Oh, Helen, that would take at least 9 months.
And even once I did get aroused, I think it would take, like, another 12 months for you to lay the egg.
But this is a school.
There's always a baby lying around here somewhere.
But where? Uh, I need to borrow merch for parents' night tonight.
Well, I've got my hands full as it is right now.
And I suppose I'm not going to miss any developmental milestones.
Oh, yeah.
I've reached all the milestones.
Well, except for the locusts.
Mmm, OK.
But this is my precious, precious angel.
So, feed it if you think of it.
Hey, hey, hey! I don't know why watching Larry make a fool of himself over that drug rep who doesn't even have feelings about him is bothering me.
Could it be because I also don't have feelings for him? But I want the food at this event to blow him away.
And how can I do that with only $9.
00? Wow.
I've never used the word "only" and "$9.
00" together before.
But don't worry.
We're going to places so cheap that their names are cheap jokes.
I just want you to know that I've got the school almost completely drug-free.
And what is this? It's a big bottle of none of your business.
That's a drug.
Drugs are bad.
Look, this is just for my restless leg syndrome-- or, as the gentleman at the show pavilion calls it, "stop kicking my face, lady.
" Uh, maybe you're getting a little carried away.
Carried away? I am ze drug czar, und I have people carried away! You went off your drugs, didn't you? Coffee.
But I don't miss it.
I don't miss it! I'm looking for some kind of medicine to keep my hair from falling out, but our school is now pflaxo turf, and the only hair restorer they make is called pflaxo turf, and it only works on pubes.
Thanks.
Are you a regular patient? No.
My usual guy was arrested for impersonating a doctor.
That's against the law? Get rid of these! Um, Gus will be out for the rest of the day.
Oh, that's just great.
So, I guess that leaves sexual sex-making as my only hair-retaining option up in here! Did you say you work at a school? Yeah.
We have parents' night tonight.
Heh! That's hot.
You're hot.
I like you.
Let's make a sex date.
You read my-- I'm gonna stop you right there.
I'm not a big "reader.
" I can't believe all this food we got.
But we didn't get a dessert.
What do you think this is? But that's expired cough syrup.
Oh, you see "cough.
" I see "syrup.
" What's going on here? What is this? This is for parents' night refreshments.
I guess drug rep Kelly isn't the only hot, uninterested in you woman who can do it all.
This isn't pflaxo.
This will make Kelly crazy.
Throw it down the chute.
How dare you! Easy, miracle.
If there's one thing I learned as a boy, it's don't sass the czar.
Well, we've got all the stuff for the meth lab that Larry wants so badly for parents' night, but we forgot the most important ingredients-- the ingredients! Of course! Cough syrup is the main ingredient in meth.
It's amazing that you can figure out how to build a state-of-the-art meth lab based on the Florida state police's website on how to spot a meth lab.
Don't do it.
Don't you do it.
You're in a library.
Quiet down! Quiet down! Quiet down! What? Boob? You want the boob? Wah! Oh! You're getting your first tooth! Now, these are the moments I assume a mother lives for.
Oh, sorry.
I've just been so hungry since I went off my gag enhancer.
As a result, I've been keeping my food down, and my jokes haven't been landing.
See? See? How do you think I feel? I'm shaving 4 times a day.
Boy, in a way, we were doing much better when we were allowed to take drugs.
Yeah.
This is a really lousy anti-drug message, especially in front of the d-I-k.
Oh, yeah.
Away took they my medicine dyslexic.
Ok, so we come off a tad pro-drug.
But it's not like we make drugs look glamorous and fun.
We're back.
We're making kind of a yummy summertime meth.
It's a lighter tweak, fun for sharing, with a real itchy finish, just a real face-clawer.
Happy, what's next? The phosphorus is brought to a boil-- oh, God.
Even translating this, I feel that I'm subject to prosecution.
This can take up to 40 minutes, so we cheated.
I had happy go ahead and put up a batch ahead of time.
Happy? Oh! Isn't that nice? Oh, I wish you could smell this at home.
Oh, a visitor! And just in time.
Please welcome drug czar Larry! Taste this.
See if you can guess my secret ingredient.
It rhymes with "dinnamon.
" That's right-- it's sodium diethylinnamon.
Is this crystal meth? Stuart What the luck, indeed, ha! That I got all this cough syrup and can make lots of meth just like you told me to.
I said "math.
" You were supposed to build a mathematics lab! Oh, no, kids do not care for math.
But they'll gobble up that meth.
Just don't tell them it's good for them.
It's not good for them! Stuart, it's parents' night.
We're gonna have 200 of them here in a few hours.
200? I can never make that much meth.
No, look, you misunderstood me.
I didn't want you to make it at all.
No one can know about this.
Got it.
It'll be our secret, partner.
D-don't call me "partner.
" You're my friend.
And you've got a problem, and I'm just helping you deal.
Yeah.
You're my "dealer.
" Let's go back to "partner.
" Clean up this mess.
I'll get rid of the drugs.
Well, that's it for us, I guess.
What's that? Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest.
What a treat-- Regis Philbin! Pippa tells me you've got "meth.
" What is "meth"?! I want to try "meth!" So, this is where sweetie pie told us he'd make the drop? Drug drop bridge.
Oh, I just got why they call it that! Sorry I'm late.
I thought it was "fall forward.
" But I'm ready to make that drop now, sweetie pie.
Wait! You didn't already make the drop? Then who did we see? Someone's movin' in on our turf! Mister Big's not gonna like that.
Our meth covers this state like a Caravaggio fresco.
Knob haven high I think it's time for us to go back to school.
But you already have a master's in art history.
Why would you-- oh.
Heh heh heh.
That's a worthless degree.
Hello.
I'm here for parents' night.
Helen Klench.
What a surprise to find you here.
Why, I thought you'd be out cruising for parking meters and other inanimate riffraff.
Lisa Turbig, so good to see you.
Yawn! I'm so tired.
Yawn.
You know how exhausting babies can be.
You have a baby? Oh, not only do I have a baby, but I have a baby withA tooth! That's right, Lisa.
I've been able to manage a career and motherhood, just like you.
Hmm.
Funny, you don't seem to have a ring.
Oh, it must be so hard to be a single mother, huh? Well, I have a husband, all right! A real husband? Or just some jiggly-armed tire store beckoner? Hmm? You're obviously referring to my Christmas card.
No.
My husband's a real man, a manly man.
And you might as well be the first to know that in just under 2 years, we're gonna hatch another one of these things! Wah! Pah, pah, pah! Well, well, well.
We hear you got quite a meth lab goin' here, Larry.
Um, I don't know what you're talking about.
But it's nice to see a positive anti-drug representation.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Larry, Larry, no one here is anti-drug.
We just want to wet our beaks.
Drug money is how we pay the bills.
Yeah.
My mother's in a beautiful condo in Boca because of drug money, pal.
Hey, that's a really touching drug story there, Mike.
Well, I got rid of the stuff.
Up high, partner-dealer.
Don't me that.
And we've got new problems-- cops outside who think I'm a dealer and now want a piece.
Oh, don't worry.
There's plenty for all.
I made more.
Stuart, what's wrong with you? Hey! We know you're on our turf! We're in charge of drugs around here! Ohh.
Great.
Kelly warned me about these rival drug company reps with their teasy voices.
I do not need this while I'm still off coffee.
I don't have time for you, honey! Beat it.
This turf is taken.
You're asking for a fight? Oh, I'm pretty sure I could take you, sweetie pie.
Don't make me hurt you.
Wow.
You're really tough.
Oh, thank you.
But it's just a woman I'm threatening.
Oh, that's what I thought at first, too.
But that's actually that high-pitched killer drug dealer who came by here earlier asking for a cut of our action.
Regis warned me about them.
Boy, if you think that he can talk when he's not tweaking-- who's Joey bishop? So, he wants a fight, huh? Well, we'll give him one.
Move in, boys! Well, this is why I hate parents' night.
What is going on out there? I can explain.
Funny story, really.
Stuart built a meth lab instead of a math lab.
Well, excuse me if I don't break out into a happy dance-- which, unfortunately, a part of me is doing because of my restless leg syndrome.
But you're the drug czar, Larry.
You can't have people making drugs.
What are you, on drugs? We probably should run.
So, I hope you don't mind that we have to start the evening at this school.
Are you kidding? I love getting down to business at school.
You're really special.
You're the kind of girl who could make my hair come back.
Oh, I'll make it come back, all right.
But I have to warn you-- side effects may include nausea, muscle stiffness, and temporary blindness.
But no uncontrollable diarrhea? Sounds sexy.
Heh.
This is a trial, so you'll need to sign some forms.
What a--what is this? You're a professional? You're a drug rep.
I used you to get into knob haven.
It was the only way to break the stranglehold pflaxo has on this turf.
You used me.
And all I ever tried to do was use you.
I may have a bad rep, but you are one! Clever.
Hey.
I need those, you pharmaslut! Nice.
You're making it worse, you prescriptease! Wow! I'm out of here, before I'm out of hair.
Damn it! Well, you may be a single mother, but hey, at least you've got the father look going for you, too.
Oh, there you are, my sweet wife and baby.
And who are you? I'm Helen's husband RoyBoy.
Roy boy.
You can tell by my big, fat gut that I like my beer like I like my women.
Sports.
This is your husband? Yeah.
For some reason, I don't think she looks gross.
How is that baby we made by Doing intercourse toward each other? Don't worry.
I can pass every butch test but one.
Helen, Roy boy, we gotta get out of here.
Run! Oh.
That's the one.
Aah! Oh, no.
He's from england.
Yes, mister big? That's Ms.
Turbig.
Now, did you take care of that meth dealer? I'm after him, right this-- oh.
Well, isn't this funny? Oh, this is funny.
It's just got to be perfect.
Why do we have the squirrel hearts next to the dodo beaks? Relax.
It looks perfect.
It's like history reheating itself.
Oh, hi, Larry.
Just threw all this together myself because I'm capable! Is that twice-spoiled fish? Boy, if I wasn't being chased by an angry mob.
Oh.
On that, run.
Let's go! Hey! Wait up.
We can't get out this way! We're surrounded! I guess the jig is up.
And by "jig," I'm not referring to the jig my foot is actually doing.
Looks like they're stopped at the food table.
We might have out-flitted them.
Wait! The chute down to the basement-- the drug business is just not what it used to be.
Tell me about it.
I don't know if it's the Internet or the video games, but every year, it gets harder and harder-- to reach the kids.
To reach the kids.
Uhh! Hello, police! We are under siege in the knob haven High School basement.
We'll be right there.
They're in the basement.
Wow, they got here quick.
We're doomed! And all because we dared to say no to drugs! That's not why.
Drugs are bad! Well, I went off my drugs, and I've never felt better.
FeltBetter Hey, everyone, Willard's in a coma! You think that's bad-- I got stuck with a teething baby just because I stupidly tried to compete with a drug dealer.
Me, too.
And because of that Kelly, I missed my baby's first tooth.
Well, we've certainly learned our lesson-- drugs and drug companies always win.
Well, drugs sure made me a winner.
I'm co-hosting with Kelly Ripa next week while Regis recovers.
He's such a crank, but boy, does that man talk like he's on crank.
Hey, where is that last batch of meth you made? Oh.
Is that what you set down on my food table next to the dipping sauce? Now you're gonna get it! It's all over! Wait.
What's happening? They're changing color.
They're getting sick.
They must have taken the drugs.
This is it.
We're finally showing the negative effects of drug use! You're kidding me.
They cut that? They cut the negative consequence.
It was a little gross.
Well, still, they were all taken to the hospital after consuming Stuart's bag of meth, and I think that's a hell of a lesson.
Oh, is that what you said you were looking for? No, that bag of meth is right here in my left hand.
Oh, there you are, meth.
Here.
I'll put you in my left hand.
Sorry.
I guess my ear crabs are becoming brain crabs.
I have got to get back on my meds.
Wow.
I guess it was the really, really old and awful food that made them sick.
Well, drugs are probably saving their lives as we speak.
Yay, drugs! Drugs are better than not having drugs! Larry, let it go.
Warning kids about drugs isn't a job for teachers or television.
It's a job for parents.
You're right.
It's just a shame that with all the drugs we dealt with, we didn't see one single negative consequence.