Soap (1977) s01e11 Episode Script

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ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica convinced herself that Chester's infidelity, and all the bad things that have befallen the Tates and the Campbells, are a result of a curse.
But even though they're cursed, she's still not too thrilled with Chester.
The Godfather came looking for Danny, but Danny was dressed as a rabbi.
And instead of getting killed, Danny got a contribution.
Burt, who came away from Dr.
Medlow thinking he could, couldn't, because Mary, upset over the day's events, wouldn't.
Dennis told Jodie there was no need for a sex-change operation because he's decided to marry a girl.
On hearing the news, Jodie swallowed the contents of the pill cart for the entire west wing of University Hospital.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[SINGING "I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE".]
I'm not too crazy about that body.
Not too crazy about that face either, husband.
Oh, boy, after six months, this is what you've got to look forward to.
Well, that's too bright, of course.
I mean, who could look good in this light? Right there.
It's too dark.
We'd never find each other.
All right.
There, I think.
Good.
Good.
Well, she could do worse.
How about a little music, here? [MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
No, forget it.
With my luck, she'd wanna dance.
Okay.
Whew! Oh, God, what if I can't? [SINGING "I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE".]
Perfect.
Oh, God, what if he can't? I'll feel like an idiot going out there dressed like Mae West.
No, I'll go out looking normal.
These feathers will terrify him.
And if I look too magnificent, he might be overwhelmed.
I'll go out very nonchalant, like I was expecting nothing.
Maybe I'll carry a book.
So it's got a few feathers.
So what? Plenty of people go to sleep like this.
Sure they do.
In Vegas, for $100 a night.
Hi.
Hi.
That new? Oh, no.
I've had it for years.
Oh, well, it's terrific.
It's It's just polyester.
I mean, it's not silk, or anything.
Actually, I bought it on sale.
You're so beautiful.
Burt.
Mary.
Oh, God.
I was a nervous wreck.
I lied.
It's brand-new.
I bought it this morning.
[THUMPING.]
What was that noise? That was my heart.
Burt, I heard something.
It, uh It was the house settling.
Don't worry.
Look.
Go look.
I'll be nervous.
Don't move.
And don't Don't Don't Don't fall asleep.
I'll be right back.
Don't even close your eyes.
Danny, Danny, Danny, what a night you picked to visit.
Hey, come on.
Wait a minute.
It's not that I'm not happy to see you.
I am.
I love you.
Good to see you, Danny.
Uh, Danny, you see, uh, your mother and I were upstairs and we were just gonna You know? You know what I mean? Hey, it's okay.
We got all night.
And maybe we can take all day tomorrow off.
Hey, Mary, Mary, look who's here.
It's Danny.
Come on, what's the matter with you? Take that thing off.
You're in the house.
Look who's here.
Danny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Danny.
Mm.
You look so funny.
Take that thing off.
He won't.
Tell him.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Wait a minute.
MARY: You put on a little weight, huh? All right, listen, fella.
Forget it.
But listen Hey, Aladdin, forget it.
The house is not for sale.
Listen to me Hey, Omar, what is it with you guys? You got yourself a little oil, right? You get a little crazy.
You and the Japanese are taking over the whole country.
Next thing you know, we'll all be eating with chopsticks and riding camels.
Get out.
Burt.
It's me.
Who? Danny.
No.
Yes.
We already got a Danny.
Burt.
Then who's he? Hi.
BURT: Danny.
Wait.
Come on, Danny, Danny, get his mask off.
All right.
Ow! I'll do it.
Come on.
What's the idea of impersonating my son? I'm not impersonating your son.
You come in here, you hug me, you kiss Mary.
I didn't hug you.
You hugged me.
What are you doing here, anyway, huh? Robbing.
What are you doing here, looking for your tribe? Come on, come on, come on, what'd you take? Nothing.
Come on.
I swear.
All right, I was gonna take the television set.
But then I realised that I don't have a car and I couldn't just walk out of here and get on the cross-town bus carrying a 21-inch TV.
So So I decided to leave.
And then I tripped on the extension cord.
You keep forgetting to fix that.
It's dangerous.
I know, I could have broken my neck.
As it is, I think I sprained my ankle.
Mary, call the police.
Oh, Burt, he's a kid.
Mary, he's a robber.
Look, mister, this is my first time, I swear, and my last.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I'm a nervous wreck.
You can't believe how dry my mouth is, you know, from nerves.
And look at this, look at this.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
Look at my hand.
[PHONE RINGS.]
You watch him.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
A person can't get a wink of sleep around this house.
Oh! And this is nice.
You come in town to get your camel shoed? You folks circus people? Yeah.
Yes, it's When? Um Uh, yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, we'll be right there.
What is it? It was the hospital.
Jodie tried to kill himself.
No.
He It's okay.
It's okay.
He's still alive, but we wanna get down there right away.
Ma, Ma, he's gonna be okay.
Hey, look, I'm sorry.
If I had a car I'd drive you, but I You know, I could have stolen one last night.
A guy left his keys in it.
But I I I got a little nervous.
Just locking up for you.
[.]
Hi.
Oh, Mr.
and Mrs.
Campbell.
They said they were bringing Jodie back up here.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, he's gonna be all right.
A couple of hours ago, I sneaked down to intensive care, and I saw him.
I took along a mop and made believe I was a janitor.
How was he? He's gonna be fine, really.
Fine? Fine.
How fine can he be? He came here a guy who wanted to be a girl, decided he'd rather be a corpse.
I can't stand it.
Quiet.
Well, I have no resistance.
In the elevator alone, I caught three fatal diseases.
Boys, shh, this is a hospital.
No.
I thought it was a discotheque.
Hey, that's nice.
Live entertainment, here.
Oh, get me out of here.
Old sick people depress me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Knock it off.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Gerber.
No, that's all right.
Listen, he's right.
I am old and sick.
I just thank God I'm not made of wood.
They're gonna bring him right up.
Oh, boy.
This is some treat.
A hostile doll, and now an Arab.
I don't know who I love more, here.
Hey, how you doing? Fine.
Listen.
I think before you get too friendly, you should know I'm Jewish.
Mr.
Gerber, it's me.
Yes, I know you.
Who are you? I'm Danny.
That's not an Arab name.
I'm Jodie's brother, Danny.
Oh! That's it.
Last time, you were a girl nurse.
That's right.
Hey, it must take you a while to get dressed in the morning.
BURT: Ah! Hi, Danny.
DANNY: Hey, Jodie.
Hi, Burt.
Hi, Chuck.
Well, if at first you don't succeed How do you feel? All right.
I'm just a little tired, that's all.
Barney, that story you told me really made me wanna live.
But I was just too sleepy to tell you.
BURT: Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you sure you're okay? I mean, they said you could come home in a couple days.
I mean, do we have to start throwing out aspirins, hiding razor blades, what? Burt, Burt, please.
That's not something I'm ever gonna do again.
Yeah, please.
I hope not.
And I've also decided not to have the sex-change operation.
DANNY: Oh! Wonderful.
You lose a daughter, you gain a suicidal sissy.
Hey, shut him up, will you? Hey, go pitch a tent.
CHUCK [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
: We're leaving.
We're leaving.
Good, I hate it here.
With all these germs, God knows what I caught.
If there's a God, maybe termites.
Jodie, I gotta take off.
I'll see you soon, all right? All right, I'm coming down with you.
I'll see you at home, all right? JODIE: Okay.
Mary, we'll be downstairs.
Mr.
Gerber.
Mr.
Campbell.
I'm sorry, Ma.
It's okay, as long as you're all right.
It was a stupid thing to do.
You were upset.
That's no reason to take 45 pills.
Forty-five? How did you do that? You've never been able to swallow pills.
You still break aspirin in half because they're too big.
It was just a stupid thing to do.
Well, there's something I always say.
In your life, you're entitled to one really stupid thing.
Right? I say five.
Five stupid things.
Oh.
Well, I guess I say one because I once did a really, really stupid thing.
What? Oh, I can't tell you.
Oh, come on, Ma.
No.
It was the stupidest thing I've ever done.
[CHUCKLING.]
I can't tell you.
No.
No, I can't.
I'll tell you about the time I [LAUGHING.]
I can't tell you that either.
Um Okay, I got it.
I'll tell you about when I once, uh I once [LAUGHING.]
Oh, God, I can't tell you that.
That's the most awful.
Okay, I got it.
That's worse than all the others.
So that's four stupid things.
Is it? Yeah.
Four stupid things that are so stupid you can't tell us.
Well, I guess you're right.
We're entitled to five stupid things.
I told you, five.
What do you think, I made that up? That's a statistic.
So I guess you've got four more.
But please, no more like this one.
Okay, I promise.
I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.
Okay.
Go to sleep.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.
Good night, Mr.
Gerber.
Good night.
Good night, Mrs.
Campbell.
Well, she's She's all right, that lady.
Yep.
Her husband, uh He's a little nervous, but he means well.
And your brother is a nice guy.
I just worry about him tripping over his robe.
But that wooden fellow He's not related.
Well, I didn't think he was.
I mean, he's wood.
I don't know.
I don't know what the world is coming to anymore when a gay man, who was thinking of becoming a woman then decides on suicide, turns out to be the most normal member of the family.
[.]
[.]
Oh, uh, hi, babe.
What's up? I should ask you that.
What are you talking about, Corinne? I'm talking about walking into the pro shop and finding you licking some woman's ear.
What are you, crazy? That was Mrs.
Carr.
I was, uh, giving her some pointers for the tournament tomorrow.
I had to whisper, in case her opponent walked in.
Oh, really? Is that a fact? And two hours ago, when you said you had a lesson on Court 3, where were you? I said Court 5.
You weren't on Court 5.
Did I say 5? It wasn't 5.
It was 8.
Look, I saw the girl you gave a lesson to in the locker room.
An hour's lesson in this heat, and she wasn't sweating.
She was smiling.
I know.
It's incredible.
The girl doesn't sweat.
Has never perspired in her life.
She was telling me about it.
It's a medical problem.
Very dangerous, actually, because when she can't sweat, she can't rid her body of toxins and can poison herself to death.
Poor thing.
Peter, I found hairpins in our bed.
I don't use hairpins.
I do.
You use hairpins? Sure, when I run out of paper clips.
I found a pink headband.
Mine.
Pink.
Used to be red.
Faded.
Look, Peter, I know what you were, but if we're gonna live together, you're gonna have to stop fooling around with other women, or I'll leave.
Honey, I'm not fooling around.
I'm a teacher.
I gotta get to know my students.
To teach them the inner game.
That's all it is.
Okay.
Okay.
But I've given up a lot for you, Peter.
I've given up my home and my family, someone who's very important to me.
So if you're lying to me and I catch you, I swear, Peter, I'll kill you.
Oh, Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
[MOUTHING.]
[.]
Hi, Jess.
I hope you weren't worried when I didn't come home last night.
I worked so late, I stayed in town.
Chester, I, uh, saw you yesterday.
Well, Jessica, you see me every day.
I saw you eating lunch and kissing Claire.
Eating lunch and kissing Claire? I remember the eating.
I had the roast beef.
It was so tough, I had to send it back.
But I, uh, don't remember the kissing.
Wait.
Yes, of course.
It was Claire's birthday and she gave me a kiss for taking her to lunch.
That's what it was.
No, Chester.
You were kissing her on the neck.
I wasn't kissing her on the neck, Jessica.
I was smelling her neck.
She wanted me to smell the perfume she'd gotten as a present.
Please, Chester.
You had your face burrowed so deep in her neck for so long, I was surprised you weren't asphyxiated.
That was to look at the rash, Jessica.
The perfume she wanted me to smell gave her a rash that she wanted me to look at.
In fact, I sent her straight to the dermatologist.
You know, Chester, in all these years, I've never believed the stories that people told about you.
But now I Stories.
Oh, Jessica.
Do you know why people make up stories like that? It's because they're jealous.
You see, they have so little themselves that they can't stand to see us happy.
So Oh, enough.
Chester, please.
Do you know how that makes me feel, Chester? Do you know? To realise that my husband has been carrying on with every Oh, fine, Jessica.
Go ahead.
Believe filth.
How would you feel, Chester, if you found out I had had an affair? You? [LAUGHING.]
What is so funny? Oh, well, I'm sorry, Jessica, but I mean, I just don't think of you as someone who has an affair, that's all.
You and Julie Andrews.
Well, Chester, I had one.
Really? With whom? That is not important, Chester.
I mean, really, the name is not important.
Jessica, if you think that by telling me about an affair you've never had you're going to get me to admit to affairs I've never had, you're crazy.
It's true, Chester.
Oh, Jessica, you are funny.
Ha-ha-ha! I'm not funny, Chester.
If there is one thing I am not right now, it's funny.
So will you please stop laughing? You were never here, Chester.
And I mean, when you were here, somehow, you weren't really here.
Just like Fluffy.
What? Well, you remember Fluffy, the cat we had.
I mean, you know, she would eat and she would wash herself and then she'd just lay around, you know? And I don't believe once, in all those years, that she ever really looked at any of us.
I mean, of course, it was hard to tell.
With all that hair, you couldn't see if her eyes were open.
Which was, of course, why we called her Fluffy.
I mean, Chester, that's why I had an affair.
Because of Fluffy? Chester, it was short.
It wasn't very spectacular.
And it is over now, but, you know, for a little while, minutes maybe, somebody was really there.
You had an affair? You mean, you slept with another man? Well, I mean, Chester, that's usually what an affair is.
How could you? How could you do that to me? How many people know about this affair, Jessica? How many people have you bragged to about it? I never bragged about it, Chester.
I mean, that isn't something I exactly felt like bragging about.
I trusted you, Jessica.
All these years, I trusted you.
And you went out and had a cheap, dirty, sordid little affair.
Well, Chester, I don't think of it that way.
I mean I did think of it that way for a while, but I don't anymore.
I mean, I prefer to think of it as something that happened.
Something that happened? Chester, what I did was wrong, and I am not trying to minimise it by saying this, but I mean, Chester, what I did for a few weeks, you made into a career.
What are you talking about? Chester, surely you are not going to go on denying I am.
You have never been unfaithful? That's right.
Never.
I never have, and I never would.
Not once, not ever.
Because I, Jessica, believe in the sanctity of our marriage.
Chester? What? Blow it out your ears.
Jessica.
You know what's really funny, Chester? I mean, this is the first time in all these years we've ever talked about anything that really matters.
And you're not even really talking, Chester.
I mean, please, let's be honest with each other, for God's sake.
I mean, that's all we've got left to be.
Well, I have been honest, Jessica.
All right, Chester.
Where you going? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? Just what I said.
Jessica.
You can't just leave.
Just watch, Chester.
ANNOUNCER: Now that Burt can, will he and Mary ever find the time? Will Corinne really kill Peter if she catches him fooling around? Will Peter continue to fool around? Will Corinne catch him? Now that Danny's been both an Arab and a Jew, will he declare war on himself? Will Jessica really walk out on Chester? Or will she call a cab? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
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