Son of a Critch (2022) s01e11 Episode Script

Sports day today! You
better fuel up, huh?
Sports day.
The worst day of the year for a wimp:
an all-day gym class.
I can't eat. The thought
of the whole school
seeing me collapse in a potato sack
is giving my butterflies caterpillars.
Oh now, don't ya worry, Mark.
We don't expect you to win a
bunch of ribbons like your brother.
We know you're not gonna
win anything. Just have fun.
Such confidence in me.
Hmm.
I was not athletic but, in fairness,
I didn't have the best teachers.
No shame in losing, son.
- Kettle's boiled.
- I got it.
Mike, luv, I'm sorry,
but I can't give you
a driving lesson today.
- What? Why?
- Your father and I
agreed to volunteer for sports day.
- What?
- My driving test is on Monday!
I have no idea how to parallel park!
Somebody has gotta take me!
- Uh, I'll take you.
- Oh no, that's you won't.
- You don't have a licence!
- I drive all the time.
You haven't driven since Confederation.
Driving a car's like ridin' a bike!
Uh, no offense, Pop, but
I think you're too old to drive.
Oh, sweet Jesus, no.
Oh, too old, am I?
Well, you might be surprised to know
that I'm still spry enough to
turn the whatchamacallit.
The you know, the round
thing with the barmy part.
- The steering wheel?
- Yes!
That's exactly what it is!
Steering wheel, yeah.
Well, that was a test,
and you, young man,
are ready for a lesson.
No, you can't go.
You know what, Pop? I don't
think I actually need to know
how to park, so uh
You're off the hook.
Dammit! I'm giving you a lesson!
I'm not too old to drive!
- Pop?
- What?!
That's orange juice.
Yeah. So?
That's what I want. Vitamin C.
It's good for gout.
Hmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm. Mmm!
Mmm, mmm.
Don't you laugh. I'll
see you in the car.
I was going to be humiliated
in front of the whole
school, but it could be worse.
Jesus Christ!
My brother was about to die.
All the parents came out on sports day.
Many were excited to see their kids,
who failed the rest of the year,
redeem themselves with ribbons.
And then there were mine.
Are you sure you both have to come?
We got stuck volunteering, to be honest.
Mrs. Perez is like a vampire.
Just 'cause she got bit,
she's trying to damn as
many souls as she can.
Did you bring any food?
I didn't bring any food.
Mom? Mom?
Aren't you comin'?
Oh, I can watch ya from here, sure.
- Please?
- Ugh
All the other parents
actually got out of their cars.
Oh, that's just what I needs now, right?
To be hangin' out
with the other parents.
Mom, come on!
I'm gonna break the school record.
I'm gonna get all gold, I promise!
- Sarah?!
- Please?
- Sarah!
- Okay! I'm comin'!
All right then. Uh Mrs. Critch,
I have you and Mrs. Perez
at the refreshments station.
Ooh exciting.
Mr. Perez, I hear you
work at the hospital.
You'll run the first-aid tent.
Oh no, no, I'm just a technician.
I fix the machines, that's all.
- Hmm. Modesty is a virtue.
- Uh, but
Mr. Critch, I'll have you run the PA.
- How does that sound?
- Ha!
Well, I'm more hard
news than sports, Sister.
Uh, yes, Sister. Thank you, Sister.
Sorry, Sister.
Surprised to see you.
Thought for sure you'd get off
with so many health conditions.
Enh. At least we're in this together.
What shall we lose at first? Long jump?
Sorry, I got out of it.
What?
I'm helping my dad
in the first-aid tent.
You gotta get me in there.
Not without an injury. But don't worry,
I'm sure you'll hurt yourself.
Ooh. I see your mom's here.
Yeah. Why wouldn't she be, dork?
I was just making small
talk. I didn't
She seems lovely.
Mike Critch, reporting field-side
at St. Bridget's sports day.
We now go live to Sister Rose.
When we think of sport, children,
we must remember the ancient Romans
had a sports day too.
Theirs was held in the Colosseum.
When they threw St. Ignatius
to the lions, he exclaimed,
"I am as grain of the field
and must be ground by
the teeth of the lions,
that I may become fit
to sit at his table."
So, today, have fun on this field.
Win your ribbons.
But when you pin them to your chests,
remember the rivers of blood
that once flowed from the chests
of the early Christians,
which stained the sand
within that Roman Colosseum.
Father?
Let the games begin!
All right, people, listen up.
Here is how the day will be ranked.
Gold for excellence,
silver for losers,
and bronze for the also-rans.
And finally, the participation ribbon
which says you may have showed up,
- but you didn't "show up."
- I'll take it.
In 1965,
I achieved personal excellence
by winning five gold ribbons.
That is a St. Bridget's record
that stands to this very day.
Like me, it is unbreakable.
I'm gonna break that scumbag's record.
Ready break!
- Break a leg.
- Hopefully.
Ah! Horn works, that's good.
Oh no gloves in the
glove box. That's bad.
Now, the first thing
you're gonna wanna do
is toggle your gauges,
adjust your seat, and uh
You just make sure you've got
plenty of room in the ashtray.
Okay. Okay, Pop, I-I get it,
but are we actually gonna drive?
Slow down, b'y. We're gettin' there.
Pop, we've been here forever.
Please, just get onto the road.
Look, the key is looking both ways
and then, behind you.
There's no one behind us!
We are in an empty parking lot!
Please, Pop, let me take the wheel.
You're too old to drive.
All right, all right, cut your whining!
Jesus! God!
Frig off, ya prick!
Like a cat on a motivational poster,
Fox was hanging in there,
fuelled with the kind of stubborn
you only get from
hating your gym teacher.
Okay. You won. You can let go.
That is a gold ribbon.
All right, that is a new
school record for the arm hang.
For girls.
The boys record is 30 seconds longer,
and that is a record I
hold to this very day.
What?! I could have beaten that!
You told me to let go!
Boys and girls have
different physical thresholds.
There has to be a natural order, 'kay?
Mark, you're next.
Agh
And Mark has set a new boy's record
for shortest arm hang ever!
If everyone was going
to laugh at me anyway,
I might as well make
them laugh on purpose.
Your daughter's doing very well!
Yeah! Oh, she's great at sports.
I mean, not so much
everything else, but you know.
Mom! Did you see?
I got gold!
I would've had the boys record too,
but Mr. Byrne stopped the clock on me!
Don't go showin' everyone
up, now. Nobody likes that.
Well, sure, it's just sports.
I just don't want you gettin'
a big head on ya, that's all.
No worry of that around her.
Boys and girls club are selling chippers
and ice cream sandwiches
for fifty cents.
Why don't you go on back out
there and I'll be right out.
- No, but
- Go on!
Did you have somethin' to say to me?
Just gonna offer you a cookie.
Chocolate chip. Go on!
They look store bought.
Gold. Congratulations.
You're goin' down, old man.
Mom! Look!
- Oh, that's stop!
- And the grade 8 boys
are the victors in the tug of war.
Congratulations, boys!
Hey. I'm gonna have to
start calling you Klondike.
'Cause that's one heck of a gold rush.
All right, bring it in! Bring it in!
You see, the gold rush
was a migration of sorts
of prospectors to the Yukon
Who cares about ribbons, anyways?
I wanted to go after her,
but Fox was as interested
in me as her mom was in her.
- Mom!
- I think your little one's
trying to get your attention there.
Sports, baby! Yeah!
- Uh huh, huh
- My God,
some people don't mind
their youngsters at all.
Up next, we have my son, Mark,
at the high jump! Just
get it over with, son.
It's like ripping off a band-aid.
I decided to compete
in my own version of the biathlon.
But instead of ski and
shoot, I'd run and joke.
Gimme that pole!
- Woo!
- Give me that
Yeah!
Woo!
Ahhh I'm a ghost!
Woo-ooo! Ooo I'm a ghost.
Boooo I'm a ghost
Oooo
You are not funny!
Attention, students! Due to
rain, some of the grass
Sin. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Nothing will be cancelled
That little fella's ruinin'
it for everyone, if you ask me.
Not fit, I says.
'Scuse me.
You are making an arse of yourself.
So? That's all I'm good for.
I can't do any of this stuff.
How do you know? You haven't even tried.
I'm sorry I'm not athletic!
I can't change who I am!
Oh, give it up!
Nobody is mad at you
'cause you suck at sports.
They're mad at ya 'cause you're
makin' this all about you!
You could be the worst one
on the team and still win,
but if you don't even try,
well, then you're just draggin'
everybody else down with ya!
Hey!
I don't give a flying frig if you win,
but you are gonna try your best.
And if you don't,
oh, you are gonna win a
gold in long distance running
'cause by the Jesus, if I
catches ya, I'll kill ya!
Smarten up!
Like a mother bird kicking
its baby from the nest,
Mom was a fan of tough love.
She was right. I was
letting everyone down,
including myself.
I was going to do it.
I was going to show everyone.
I was going to bring home the gold!
Urgh! Oh!
Ow
Just, just leave it.
Just leave it there.
Just, just go on.
Get. Get!
Or maybe a silver would be nice.
That red-headed girl is in the lead;
boy-with-glasses
is on her heels;
girl-too-tall-for-her-age
is keeping pace, and
Lastly, my boy is in the rear.
Woo-hoo!
- Hustle!
- Come on, Mark!
I'm here to end you.
You're welcome to try.
I really tried.
I tried like I'd never
tried for anything
in my 12 long years on earth.
Mark, there's a stack of
participations over there.
Maybe grab a couple and
save yourself the trouble.
But try as I might, I still sucked.
And there'll be a fifty-fifty draw.
If you want a ticket,
please see Sister Margaret
by the bathrooms.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, um
Juice?
All right.
I hope this helps.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey.
Congratulations.
It's pretty cool to see.
You're really gonna break that record.
Thanks.
All right, come on.
Glad somebody cares.
How are you holding up?
Embarrassed, winded,
hurting inside and out,
but I, I kind of,
almost, had fun that time.
Mike! Kick it back!
Just kick the thing!
- Keep going!
- Whoa!
Oh!
He's fine. Just got the wind
knocked out of him, that's all.
Getting the wind knocked out of you
was one of those injuries that
only ever happened in childhood.
- Like getting a stitch.
- Mark!
I knew you'd make it!
I'll grab you a soda.
Uh, don't go!
My leg still hurts.
Oh. Sorry.
Relax. You can give up now.
My chest was as bruised as my ego,
but I finally had an
honourable discharge.
But my mother's glare was
colder than any pop can.
I knew what I had to do.
Hey!
- Where ya goin'?
- I'm gonna win a ribbon.
Asshole!
What the hell's his problem?
Pop, you're not even goin' 30.
Please, it's my lesson,
just let me drive.
You think I'm too old
to drive, don't ya? Hmm?
Ah, thank God I'm not
sharin' a room with you.
Probably wake up in
the middle of the night
to find you standing
there with a pillow!
Don't get mad, but
Your eyesight just
isn't what it used to be.
And what do you know about getting old?
Everybody babying you!
Everyone telling you what you can't do!
Hey, Pop, I, I think
you're going too fast.
You think I like to
drive? I hate driving!
You know what I hate more
than bloody well driving?
Is people telling me I
can't bloody well drive!
Pop! You gotta slow down!
- Oh! Oh shoot! God!
- Oh my God, the pigs!
Oh! What am I gonna do?
- Pull over!
- Oh jeez
I'm an old fool.
Now, they're gonna take my licence.
I'm too old to drive.
I'm just too old.
Dammit!
Ah, young Mike!
Takin' him out for a
few lessons are ya, Pat?
Well, he won't listen to me.
Maybe you'll listen
to Officer Butt, here.
Ah, he's too timid.
Not quite ready for the road.
Bit of a nervous Nelly,
just like his father.
Oh, damn kids today, they
just don't know how to drive.
That true?
Yes, Officer.
Sorry, I'm just a little nervous is all.
All right. I'll let
you off with a warning.
Stick to the side roads,
and listen to your grandfather!
Yes, sir.
Um well, thanks. I, I, I
Hey, don't mention it.
- You wanna switch back?
- No, no. Uh
I think you're ready.
Mom! I tied Mr. Byrne for the record,
but three-legged race is next!
They didn't have that when he went here.
- I'm gonna beat him!
- It'll all be over then,
- will it? Good.
- Uh
- I'll bet you got a medal.
- Go on!
How are ya there, Paul?
Lisa not here today? Nah, I 'spose not,
her eight-months pregnant and all.
She's probably at home, right?
Well, you should go watch
your youngster there now,
or else you might have
to watch your back.
Button up, now.
I know that I should
probably mind my own business,
but for some reason that little girl,
she just thinks the world of you.
And all she wants is for you to
Show some kind of interest in her.
You're right.
You should mind your own business.
My love, come on now.
Let's go! We don't wanna miss anything!
All eyes were on Fox.
This was history in the making.
Last event: Three-legged race.
I'm gonna beat your ass, old man.
That's cheating.
We didn't have that in
my day. It's not fair.
You already cheated.
You wouldn't let me go
for the boy's record!
Okay.
You wanna compete with the boys?
Good.
This event will be co-ed.
The winners gets two gold ribbons!
Pair up!
Uh, Ritchie and Tina.
Gary and Avery.
Fox and Mark.
Mr. Byrne was determined
to protect his record with
the most devastating tool
of sabotage he could find Me.
And now a first-time event
in sports day history at St. Bridget's:
A mixed doubles three-legged race,
the ankle twister, the
hobbler, the equalizer.
Good luck all!
Better not wreck this for me.
Hate to say this, but
I'm pretty sure I will.
Everyone loves an underdog.
Even our mothers had put
aside their differences.
The louder they cheered,
the faster I went.
It was as if nothing could stop us.
Come on!
Then I did.
Aggggghhhhhhhhh!
Oh, for noooo!
Come on, Fox!
Oh! Go on without me!
I can't, idiot!
Come on! Come on!
Get off, get off!
- Third place for my boy!
- A complete shock for everyone!
- We won!
- We lost, dumbass.
But we won third!
Still got it! All time
sports day greatest!
The greatest, you hear me?!
Mr. Bryne had peaked in junior high
and he spent decades hanging
onto those past glories.
Luckily, that was one record
that Fox was not going to break.
That sports day, she won
the prize she really wanted.
- Oh
- I'm sorry.
I wasted your time. I
didn't break the record.
I saw all o' that, my
ducky, and you were awesome.
Oh
You're always a winner in my books.
Sure, look at all the gold on ya.
You got more gold than Mr. T.
I got my first real ribbon!
- Third place.
- Seriously?
So, there were only
three of you in the race?
Hey.
So? How was he?
He almost got a ticket,
but I talked the cop out of it.
That day, I learned that
you never really lose
unless you quit,
and that with the right
people on your side,
losing can feel an
awful lot like winning.