St. Denis Medical (2024) s01e11 Episode Script

1
All right, Dr. Patel
will be administering
the anesthesia now, so why
don't you count back from five,
and we'll see you on the other side.
Five, four, three,
two, one, zero.
- Okay, great.
- Now what?
Oh, you're still yeah, that's okay.
You know, sometimes it takes a beat.
Why don't you start
naming some colors for me?
Blue, yellow
orange.
Uh-huh, that's a good one.
Periwinkle
sienna, burnt sienna.
- Should I keep going?
- Patel, what's the deal here?
Let me just adjust the dosage.
Some patients are
resistant to anesthesia.
It's just a matter of
getting the dosage right.
- Cerulean
- You can stop with the colors.
All right, we should be good.
Finally.
Okay, let's do this. Gina?
- Nope, I'm still here.
- Jesus Christ!
What is this guy, Wolverine?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Again, no more tilapia
in the microwave, okay?
It smells like a mermaid
gave birth in here,
and I think we all deserve better.
Now, last item on the agenda
our operating margins
once again have dipped.
Zero gains it's like we
might as well not even be open.
To that end, I need everyone to start
doing a better job of recommending
additional services to our patients.
You mean like upselling?
We could push more plastic surgeries.
A lot of our patients are fugly.
Well, it's not upselling, per se,
but I would like you
to educate our patients
about scan screenings,
wellness practices,
and then encourage them
to use their insurance.
So upselling got it.
How are the hospital's finances
even our responsibility?
We're health-care workers,
not a bunch of sleazy car salesmen.
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
Oh, maybe we could have,
like, a sales contest.
You know, whoever upsells the most
could could win some kind of prize.
Well, Ron, you are just gonna love this,
because I was about to announce
that we are having a sales contest.
Anyone want to take a
guess what the prize is?
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
What's that? A T-shirt?
No. No, it isn't.
I think we can do a
lot better than that.
Nobody said T-shirt.
Dakota, start your rounds, please.
I think that'd be good.
Uh, who would like to go see "zha"
with some floor-seat
tickets in Portland tonight?
Wait, you got floor seats to SZA?
That is another way
people pronounce it, yes.
And if you are interested,
it certainly wouldn't hurt you
to start promoting our
brand-new, state-of-the-art
- luxury VIP patient recovery suite.
- I'm sorry.
Why are we spending money on a VIP suite
when this hospital is
literally falling apart?
I mean, there's been a
leak by Zone B for, what,
like, three weeks now?
It's been 19 days.
Stop being so dramatic.
I'll follow up with maintenance.
In the meantime, I want you
to go out there and just
- Upsell.
- It's not upselling.
This is gonna be a big draw
for our more discerning patients.
All the linens are pure Egyptian cotton.
Mm, It's like cool
mayonnaise to the touch.
And we've got wall-to-wall 5G Wi-Fi,
which is the strongest kind.
Drives marine life nuts, apparently.
Hey.
Well, the doctors didn't find anything,
and all your vitals are within range.
So the bad news is, you
know, I hate to say it,
but without a specific
illness or injury,
I I can't keep you here, Ruth.
- I'm so sorry.
- I figured.
My cough always acts up in the cold.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm sure it'll go away eventually.
Ruth's what's known as a frequent flyer.
She's a nice person, unhoused,
just looking for a break from outside.
I really wish we could do more for her.
I just think, God,
what if that were my
grandmother in there,
you know?
I mean, I guess then we would be like,
"Ah, zombie!" [LAUGHS]
"Who did we bury?"
Sorry. Sorry.
No, it's it's not it's not funny.
Do you think I could get a blanket?
That wind is just nasty.
- Of course.
- I'll bring it back.
It's yours.
Just be careful out there, all right?
And I wish we could do more for you.
I know. If you could, you would.
[HOLLOW TAPPING]
Man, what are you doing?
Oh, it seems like a
pretty straightforward job.
I'm thinking saddle clamp,
a little elbow grease.
Yeah, I should be able to
bang this out in no time.
And you're basing this on what?
You have zero training in this.
Oh, come on. Sure, I do.
I mean, what is the human body
but an elaborate series of pipes?
You know, veins,
intestines it's all pipes.
People are pipes. People are pipes.
Man, let the plumbers do their thing.
Oh, I see. [CHUCKLES]
You don't think I can do it.
I don't care. And, no, I don't.
But, hey, knock yourself out.
I gotta go.
Somebody stuck a Barbie
doll in one of their pipes.
[CHUCKLES]
And Bingo was his name-o.
See, I think the whole
idea of upselling patients
on medical procedures
is kind of gross
I mean, like, really gross.
It's just not the kind of thing
- I'd usually do.
- Yo, dude.
Did you see Paige and Dakota teamed up?
Yeah, I was just talking about
I high-key want those SZA tix.
What if you and I team up,
and if either of us wins,
we split the tickets?
Oh, yeah,
'cause then we'd have them,
you know, like, the two of us together.
Let's do it. [CHUCKLES]
Great.
Great.
Really, it's all right.
I know my way out.
Yeah, I know.
I just wanted to show you
one quick thing before you go.
And that thing is
your new digs for the rest of the day.
Wait.
This is for me?
If I get in trouble, I get in trouble.
You know, my job is to help people,
and, uh, I'm doing the right thing.
So, you know, come at me, bro.
Get comfy, make yourself at home.
You can take a nap or watch TV
or read a brochure on
coping with lupus
whatever you want.
Hey, maybe "Shawshank Redemption" is on.
You know, I think it always is.
I don't even know how to thank you.
There's no need, truly.
Wow. Egyptian.
It's funny.
This really isn't that
different from the OR.
You know, you mark the
site, use a steady hand,
and make a clean incision.
And
that's the wrong spot.
All right, well, take two.
How's it coming, Luigi?
[LAUGHS] That's good.
You see, racist jokes can be funny.
Well, I've identified
the main problem area.
Just about to attack the leak head-on.
It just feels good to work
with your hands, you know?
You work with your hands all the time.
[SCOFFS] Please.
I don't mean those soft, fancy-boy hands
you're sporting no offense.
I'm talking about man hands, you know
calloused and sinewy,
covered in grime and grit.
Okay, I'm gonna let you
get back to your blue-collar cosplay.
Look, I just don't want
to be one of those rich,
spoiled doctors who always calls up
some grunt to do his
dirty work for him
again, no offense.
Hiring workers is a convenience.
Obviously, if I had
to do the job myself,
- I could.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, could you pass me that spud wrench?
- Spud?
- The spud, yeah.
Okay.
Uh spud, right?
- Yeah, it's right there.
- I see it.
[GRUNTS] I'm gonna just
give you all these wrenches.
You may want to switch
out from that spud.
Okay. Um
Up to six hours, including throbbing
and sensitivity to light
and loud noises
[INDISTINCT TV CHATTER]
- [DOOR THUDS]
- Hi.
Um, can I help you with something?
Thanks, but I'm doing great.
Bogs and the sisters just
assaulted Andy in the furnace room.
I'm sorry, what I meant was,
um, what are you doing in here?
Oh, just resting.
Nurse's orders.
Uh-huh.
Which nurse's orders?
- Got a minute?
- Hmm?
Hey, I'm just wondering about the woman
currently having a spa
day in the VIP suite.
Do you know anything about that?
Yeah.
You know what, Joyce?
- I do.
- Mm.
'Cause she said you told
her she could stay in there
without paying for it,
which is the exact opposite
of what I told you to do.
Well, that's right.
I did do that.
I did, because, uh
because that woman
Yes?
She's an heiress.
What? Her?
Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah.
She, um [EXHALES SHARPLY]
She comes from a very, very rich,
very philanthropic
family, the Dusseldorfs.
I'm sure you're familiar
with them, right?
Oh, of course. How could
I how could I not?
Yeah, yeah.
So I figured, you know,
we're having money problems.
I would just give this rich
lady the red-carpet treatment.
She'd become our golden goose,
uh, but it was presumptuous of me.
Sorry, I'm gonna go kick her out.
No, no, no. No. No. No.
- You played it perfectly.
- No? Oh.
- Ah, I see you, girl.
- Thanks.
- I see you.
- Yeah.
Um, well, she's not
gonna be thrilled, though,
that I that I I outed
her, 'cause she's, um
she's a really private person.
You know, she likes to blend in.
So so it might be best
if you just don't mention it.
Oh, I promise I'll be discreet.
Okay. You know how the super rich are.
Oh, yeah, it's all, you know,
charcuterie boards and
trips to the moon
just eating little gherkins
in space with the pinkies up.
[LAUGHS]
- I I meant the anonymity.
- Anonymity, yes.
Yes, that's another thing.
Do I need to wear it when I sleep?
That's probably a good idea,
at least for the first week or two.
Great.
But if you're looking to
speed up your recovery,
we do offer in-house
acupuncture sessions.
It's amazing for fractures
really stimulates the blood flow.
- Yeah, that's not really my thing.
- Totally get it.
Acupuncture has a lot of side effects
increased muscle tone,
sexual performance boost.
It's not for everyone.
I think I'm good with just the splint.
Okay, well, since you're
so obsessed with the splint,
how do you like this idea?
Two splints.
But easily, the most
common reason for a leak
is a loose coupling nut.
If working in a confined space,
a basin wrench is going to
be your best friend here.
You know, it just occurred
to me you might want to try
tightening the coupling nut.
I've had some good success
with that in the past.
You don't think I've tried
tightening the coupling nut, Ron?
Obviously, that was
the first thing I tried.
[SCOFFS] Tighten the coupling nut.
Get serious.
Well, did you use a basin wrench?
Are you just getting this
from the Plumber Jordan video?
First YouTube result for
"how to fix leaking pipe"?
I came down to your
level, and I hate it here.
I'm going to lunch.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Ron, Ron, Ron, wait.
Can you hold this clamp real quick?
Please, just two seconds. Just hold it.
Right there.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Watch my finger.
Uh-huh. Perfect.
Oh, look who's done this before. Nice.
Yeah, well, that's what I was saying.
It's about to get pretty hairy, though.
I can take it from here.
Enjoy your lunch.
Well, I mean, I have a couple minutes.
Hmm?
I ate a NutRageous bar a while ago,
so my blood sugar should still be good.
Ah. Welcome to the party, Mario.
[CHUCKLES]
Knock, knock. [CHUCKLES]
Gosh, I just wanted to
come in and apologize
for being so dang rude earlier.
We lost a patient this morning,
and I was still in that
emotional headspace.
Oh, the patient died
off-site, by the way.
Yeah, no, we, um we got him healthy,
and then he went to another
hospital and died there.
- Anyway, this is for you.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Thanks.
- Ooh, this looks warm.
- It is. [CHUCKLES]
Not that a person like you
needs more stuff, but
Oh, believe me, I
always like more stuff.
I am the same way.
Like, no matter how much you
get, it's still not enough.
I am a people person.
I love people.
Do I also love the idea
of a new radiology suite?
Yes.
Robotics platforms in the OR?
You bet.
A big old helipad that sits
atop a surgical amphitheater
that hosts TED Talks on the weekends,
Portland General
crapping in their pants.
[CHUCKLES]
But mostly, I love people.
So you think he's gonna go
out the same way as Brooks,
but then he ends up making
it down to Zihuatanejo.
Incredible. Incredible.
Bit of a spoiler, but that's fine.
Um, hey, what do you say I
take you on a private tour
of the hospital, show you
what we do around here?
- I got time.
- Okay.
Stella. Stella.
While we're gone, can you
kind of freshen up the bed
and spruce up the pillows?
Thanks, babe.
What do you say we start
in the maternity ward
- and see some babies?
- [GASPS]
- Adorable!
- Oh, great.
There's a 14-pounder in there right now.
- Yikes.
- A real chonker.
[CLINKING, CLANGING]
When Bruce isn't saying anything
for long periods of time,
he's really not a bad guy to be around.
Oh, and, look
it's a callus forming.
Still in the early stages,
but by tomorrow,
coal-miner vibes.
Hey, I brought you some tea
Hey, do you know where the
lady who was in here went?
Yeah, uh, Joyce went to take her
on a tour of the hospital or something.
What?
Ooh, that's nice.
Oh, yes, that is one of
my personal favorites.
Ah, of course, it's just
a print, but who knows?
Maybe one day we'll have
a real Monet in here.
- Oh, that would be amazing.
- Wouldn't it be?
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey. Oh.
What you doing, girlfriends?
What you talking about?
Oh, Ruth and I are just discussing
- our mutual love of art.
- Hmm.
Oh, you must have some
wonderful pieces in your home.
Oh, I don't really have a home.
Oh, yeah, I so get
that, right, you know?
You're coming, and you're going,
and one week you're in Nice,
and one week you're in Vail, right?
You know, you're everywhere,
and yet you're nowhere, so
Oh, boy, it has been
such a day, though, huh?
You must be dying to get
back in that big, comfy bed.
This firecracker? Are you kidding me?
She's got more energy than I do.
In fact, why don't we
go storm the gift shop
and then we'll snag some
brownies in the cafeteria?
- They are a triumph.
- Hey, why don't I take her?
You've got important things to do.
Nothing is more important
than this little lady right here.
Now, let's get 5 CCs of
brownie into that mouth, stat.
[LAUGHS] I'm kidding.
5 CCs is barely anything.
Yeah, I'm happy that Ruth is
inside and thriving, frankly,
but I'm a little n-nervous.
Uh, you really don't want
to get caught lying to Joyce.
Uh, just ask Theresa.
But you'd have to ask her
at 3:00 in the morning,
'cause that's when her shift starts now.
I hear a lot of people saying
that our health-care system is broken,
but it seems pretty
great, if you ask me.
Nobody even mentions the brownies.
"If the pipes are on the older side,
then epoxy putty may be used
to repair any corroded seals."
Interesting.
But that's not gonna work
if you're dealing with a faulty flange.
Try not moving around, please.
You've got a real bee in your bonnet
about this flange theory.
I'm not married to the flange.
- Maybe it's a press fitting.
- Ooh!
Ooh, ooh, did we try
swapping out the O-ring?
- We're about to.
- Jackpot.
Dakota, can you come in
here and finish this off?
She's much better than me anyway.
Dakota. Dakota!
So we knock out this wall,
then the whole thing
becomes a courtyard
topiaries, a koi pond.
I'm imagining your name on a fountain.
I'm imagining your name on it.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Wow.
- How generous is this woman?
- Oh.
Is it okay if I use the ladies' room?
Oh, sure. You know what?
Use the one in our staff room.
The other one's for the riff-raff.
- It's disgusting.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Scoot.
[LAUGHS]
Joyce, come on, a koi pond?
It's Japanese for "fish."
I'm saying that if we were
to get a large donation,
we should probably use that
money to buy new Alaris pumps
or hire more patient techs.
Yeah, I love that. I love that idea.
But I'm saying, lure
people in with the koi pond,
become a health-care destination,
and then we can hire an
infinite number of patient techs.
Oh, look at us jammin'.
We're jammin'.
[LAUGHS]
A koi pond? That's what we need?
People here are burning
themselves out just to
Sorry, I just remembered that
this is imaginary money, so
[CHUCKLES]
Hmm
- Is everything okay?
- Oh, yeah, totally.
Just seeing here that you haven't had
a colonoscopy since ever.
That can't be right, can it?
Yeah, but I thought you don't
need that until you're 45.
I'm 37.
Yeah, sure, they say 45,
but they also say you
should get your oil changed
every 10,000 miles, when
- I mean, we all know it's 5,000.
- 5,000, yeah.
Then, one day, bam, your engine's shot.
Turns out, they were wrong.
Yeah, I'll think about it.
Oh, Gary.
Gary, Gary, Gary.
Either there is cancer
in your colon right now
waiting to attack the
rest of your body, or
there isn't.
And if you're willing
to wait eight years
to find out which it is, it's brave.
I guess I could schedule something.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Let's go.
Sorry, just excited to
keep your colon healthy.
- Matt, super-good liar.
- It's kind of fun.
The key is, as you're lying,
you clench your butt
together super hard,
to the point where it hurts,
and that keeps your mind
off the guilty feeling.
I really thought this would
be a number-one situation.
[CLATTERING, CLANGING]
What are you two doing?
I have a very important
VIP coming through here.
I cannot have my doctors
ripping into the walls like lunatics.
No, no, no, no, no, Joyce, come on.
We're right at the one-yard line
with this thing, really, and I'm sorry.
Are you talking about her?
That's not a VIP. I've
treated her before.
That's just I don't
know some lady.
- What?
- [SCOFFS]
Yeah, what?
Just some lady?
She's just some some lady?
Are we all just some
ladies to you, Bruce, huh?
I don't think Eleanor
Roosevelt would like that.
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah. And you know what?
Every patient matters, all right?
And shouldn't just
be kicked to the curb.
Right. Right.
But especially Ms. Dusseldorf,
who is filthy rich and
is going to build us
a Japanese koi pond
for our new courtyard.
Exactly.
Now make this stuff go
away before you blow it.
- Yeah.
- Dusseldorf?
You try making up a last
name that sounds real!
[SCOFFS]
- Bang!
- We won!
What about Paige and Dakota?
They didn't even check
people's coverage.
Almost every procedure
got rejected by insurance.
- [SQUEALS]
- That's amazing.
I mean, you know, very
bleak on a society level,
but really good in this one instance.
So are you gonna go to the show?
Of course, yeah. What do you mean?
Hey, Gavin.
[WHISPERING] I sold mine
to Gavin from the lab
for 200 bucks way over face.
Here you go, boy.
This my date?
Uh, I guess so.
You guys are gonna have the best time.
Tell me how it is.
So you want to drive and I drink,
or do you want me to drive
and just roll the dice?
Oh.
Well, Plumber Jordan would be proud.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
- I fixed a leak today!
- Oh, yeah.
And not some run-of-the-mill,
"just swapped out the O-ring" leak.
Give me a break.
This is a leak's leak, you know,
the kind you tell your grandkids about.
Oh, yeah.
I also reset a broken neck
and took a battery out
of a kid's esophagus.
- Sure.
- But
I fixed a leak
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
- In the wall!
- There you go.
I'm gonna have to get a
whole crew in here tomorrow.
They Mickey Moused the whole thing.
Who told them to do this?
It's no good.
This was wonderful.
Oh, you guys have the
most amazing hospital.
Well, thank you.
We we really do have a lot
of good stuff going on here,
but, um, we could do so much more
if only we had the money.
You have to have the money.
Yes, exactly.
Um, do you do you think we'll get it?
I really do.
I know you'll get it.
You'll get the money.
[GASPS]
You just made my day with that.
Oh!
The truly wealthy are a complex breed
uh, refined yet eccentric,
discriminating yet fickle.
Extracting their money
is a delicate art,
but I have been known to
[BRITISH ACCENT] Pick a pocket or two
right, guv'na?
Am I am I the gu oh.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Uh, you
got that right, Joyce.
[NORMAL VOICE] Just
use your normal voice.
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay. Um
uh, Joyce did a really good job today.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Hello, hello.
[CHUCKLES]