State of Georgia (2011) s01e11 Episode Script

I love these cinnamon cheddar bagel chips, even though every color and flavor in them is artificial.
You love them because of that.
Chemicals fix what nature didn't do right.
That's probably not the best thing to say in the middle of a community garden.
Okay, fine, organic people, you win.
- I'm throwing them out.
- No no no! The cheesy chemical dust at the bottom is my favorite part.
All right, let's hurry up and get these eggs for Aunt Honey and go back to where people shower.
Aunt Honey needs eggs? What drink has an egg in it? Yeah, I asked her the same question and she said it was one part vodka, two parts just-buy- me-some-damn-eggs.
So I don't know.
- Hello.
- What can I do for you? You know what you can do for me? You can tell me how this dusty overpriced tomato is better than the one in my deli.
That thing at the deli isn't a tomato.
It was grown on a factory farm 1,000 miles from here, picked by a machine before it was ripe.
This one I grew with my own hands right over there.
I have a connection with this tomato.
And when you bite into it, which I encourage you to do I'll have a connection with you.
Whoo! I feel all tingly.
That is because you are allergic to tomatoes.
Shh! it's worth it.
- It is worth it.
- That'll be $7.
Or-- it would be if we were charging beautiful ladies today, which we are not.
Is it really worth it, I mean, $7? What you're paying for is the nutrient-rich soil with a perfect balance of nitrogen and fatty oils.
I should know.
I spent countless hours in the lab perfecting it.
In the lab? Gimme that.
- Now I feel all tingly.
- I know, right? I'm Jeb.
This is Amos.
I'm Georgia.
This is Jo.
We'll be right back.
Okay, I like this guy.
I need you to play along.
Perfect! Wait.
Which guy do you like? The cute one.
Okay, stop.
I like Jeb.
Oh, perfect, 'cause I like Amos.
Perfect.
Would you like to go out sometime? Like a double-date? That's funny, but we weren't talking about that in our huddle at all.
- Wait, I thought we just said-- Oh.
- Jo, Jo.
Yeah, we could all go out if you want.
Yeah.
Like wherever you guys like to-- We're down.
We're down.
I can't believe we've never gone on a double date before.
Well, you know, the guys that I date, their friends aren't really into science and then the guys that you date, well There's our problem right there.
Stings, but true.
Well, it is exciting that we found two guys we're interested in.
If this works out, we could have a double wedding.
Before we rent the church, best friend double-dating is very tricky, all right? We have to be on the same page the whole entire time.
Okay, right, same page.
When do we kiss them? Y-you didn't do that already? Aw man, no.
Ok see, this is what I'm talking about, alright? It's very very tricky.
Our relationships have to progress at exactly the same pace.
Like, what if I stop liking my guy, right? But you still like yours.
Then your guy will stop liking me.
And then it gets really weird and then suddenly we're not friends anymore.
- Wait, what? When did that happened? - I know, I know! You have to listen to my words-- "very very tricky," all right? We are dating as a unit now.
If we go in together, and if need be, we get out together.
Who wants ostrich eggnog? Trust me, you haven't had it until you've sipped it from an actual ostrich egg.
Martha taught me this during our time in the big house.
You went to jail with Martha Stewart? No, my big house in the Hamptons.
What are you girls doing tonight? Well, I know it's hard to believe, but there is a double date happening.
Oh, a lady and two gentlemen.
Oh, that takes me back.
You know, the French have a term for that.
No no no.
Two girls and two guys.
Oh! The French have a term for that too.
Hmm! I understand now why you guys only eat organic.
I didn't realize that artichoke had a taste.
Yeah, I thought it was just a harder way to drink butter.
Wait till you try our saffron.
No one else in the city's growing it.
Oh, I just love how passionate you are about your work and about working out, I'm guessing.
We dig how much you guys are into the whole sustainable lifestyle.
Pssh, why wouldn't we be? The way you asked about the tomato, we thought you were just a couple of junk-food-eating Manhattan girls who came down to laugh at the farmers.
That is just way off the mark, really.
You know, the only reason we asked you about the tomato was because, uh-- - to see-- - If you guys were - The-- - Real Thing.
The real thing.
To see if you guys were the real thing.
It's as simple as that, really, 'cause we're not even from Manhattan.
We're from Georgia.
Soil is in our blood.
Yeah, our blood is all over that soil.
No no no.
What she means is that we grow things.
So what do you grow? What do we grow? What don't we grow, really? You know, Jo, we have like a little bit of everything.
- Like-- - Carrots.
Yeah, and lettuce to go with the carrots.
And a little bit of-- - a little bit of cheese.
- Cheese? Cheese? Cool.
You guys have a goat? Apparently we do.
Unless there's something smaller that makes cheese.
Wow, seems like you have a whole urban farm going on.
- Yeah, sure does.
- Yes.
We'd love to check it out sometime.
Are you guys free Saturday? To come over to our apartment farm? You know what? I think we're busy that day, right, Jo? - Right right.
- Yeah.
How about Friday? - Sounds great.
- Sure.
Yeah, sounds great.
It really does.
A day sooner to see our fully functioning urban farm.
Georgia, where should I plant the kale? Two days ago I would have said "where the sun don't shine.
" But I'm actually really enjoying this.
And I think you actually do plant it where the sun don't shine.
I know that we did this just to impress the guys, but I gotta tell you, I'm really into it.
Do you know that it's been two days since I've had a cinnamon cheddar bagel chip? Oh my goodness, me too! I don't even think my body would like that processed stuff anymore actually.
I feel so connected to the earth.
This is the way nature intended us to live.
I know, right? We should have done this a long long time ago.
Urban farming or double-dating? - Both.
- Yeah.
Ladies, ladies, someone wanna tell me what this weird dog was doing in my wig room? It ate my Patti LaBelle and is trying to mate with my Tina Turner.
Jo, the boys will be here soon.
Let's finish the salad.
- I've got carrots.
- Oh.
I mean carrot.
Jo, what happened? Well, it's possible that carrots need more than three days to grow.
It's also possible that we don't know a thing about growing carrots.
Well, the salad will be small, all right? But at least we will make it up with the homemade goat cheese.
- About that-- - Jo, come on now.
You said you were gonna milk the goat and then somehow turn that into cheese.
Well, after a lot of hands-on research, I've determined that we did not buy a girl goat.
Well, I saw a nipple.
That's right, one nipple.
Well, if living sustainably was easy, then everybody would do it.
And that reminds me, can you check and make sure none of that gross food we used to eat is still in the kitchen? You mean that artificially flavored packaged stuff that we used to think we liked? - I'm pretty sure it's all been thrown out.
- Okay, good.
- I'll go double-check.
- Okay, cool.
I'm gonna start my makeup.
Aren't you gonna go with the natural look? Making it look like I'm not wearing makeup takes like twice as long.
Oh, should I do mine? Mm, no, I think you got it down.
Josephina Pye! What are you doing with that bag of chips? What chips? Who am I? How did I get in this closet? What? - Jo.
- I can't help it.
I like these things.
They're better than anything-- anything that's ever grown from the earth.
- You want some? - No.
You disgust me.
I just-- I can't even be in the same room - as you right now.
- Uh eh! What are you holding back there? Georgiafina Chamberlain! Help me! I miss them so much.
It's not our fault, really.
- It's not? - Mm-mm.
We grew up on processed food.
You could say that we need it to survive.
Yeah yeah, we're not supposed to live like our ancestors.
It's evolution.
Well, not really, but okay.
So I guess our sustainable lifestyle is-- Unsustainable.
We can't keep living like this.
The compost heap smells.
I cry at frozen pizza commercials.
My pee has changed colors.
We have to break up with Jeb and Amos.
We're not the girls that they think we are.
You're right.
In together, out together.
Yeah, we're gonna go down to the garden and break up with them and then maybe we could go get like a burger with a hot dog on top? Can I eat the cheesy chemical dust part first? I was sort of looking forward to that.
No judgment here.
Oh my goodness! No, you did not! This is a closet, not a petting zoo! Oh, bring it on! Bring it-- bring it on! Okay, you saw how easy it was, the double-dating when we stayed in sync.
Same thing goes for double-date breakup, all right? Nobody freestyles or everything just falls apart.
I know.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Amos, you're a really great guy.
But? But I don't think I'm ready to get serious right now.
Oh yes! Just stick to the script and everything will be fine.
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you guys doing here? We were just packing up and getting ready to head to your place.
You look great, Jo.
I mean, some people would say that the overalls make you look androgynous, but I think androgynous is beautiful.
Okay, let's get this started.
Why don't you roll over with me to the rolls? I am so glad you're here.
Mario Batali came by to look at our saffron.
He wants to use it in all of his restaurants.
This is an urban farmer's dream.
That's amazing.
I'm so happy for you.
Some part of me thinks this is all happening because you're in my life.
That's statistically unlikely.
- But, Amos - Jeb Georgia and Jo: I think you're a really great guy, but-- - I love you.
- What?! I love you too.
- Oh, man! - What? - What? - What? - Uh, I'll see you at dinner? - Okay.
Thanks so much for dinner, guys.
Those wheatgrass, kale and spinach shakes were awesome.
Yeah yeah, I wasn't thinking about a real shake at all.
You know, just sipping on my lawn.
I was gonna ask you about your indoor compost heap.
Most people put it outside, or at least have a lid.
Well, we're not most people.
Although we would be if someone would have done a little bit more research.
So we'll see you guys soon? Oh, I don't know.
I feel like you guys are probably so busy with all your saffron stuff and stuff.
- Yeah.
And if you need just some time to yourselves, we are so low maintenance.
We could actually be like no maintenance.
We could go weeks without seeing you.
We're like relationship camels.
Crazy.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Ooh! Love you.
Love you too.
Thank you.
Oh! Stop saying that! I'm sorry.
I didn't wanna be rude.
You can't just let an "I love you" hang there like that.
Oh, but you can.
Let's practice, okay? I love you.
- I love you too.
- No! Girls, whatever you're doing in this apartment has got to stop.
If a foot had an armpit and an armpit had an ass, it would smell better than it does in here.
Now how long are you girls planning on keeping up this hillbilly routine? Well, I think that the appropriate amount of time that needs to pass after "I love yous" have been exchanged is like three to four months.
No! No no no no.
See, I don't even date a guy I like for three to four months.
Sorry, but in together, out together, remember? And I feel like I have to let Amos down gently.
Let me tell you the story of letting a man down gently.
Now you picture a beautiful woman in her prime.
She meets a man.
He falls for her, of course.
And when he says he loves her, she's too polite to shut it down.
She thinks the lughead is just gonna go away, but he doesn't.
The next thing you know they're married.
She's stuck wasting the best years of her life.
So which one of your husbands was this one? Oh, it wasn't me.
I handle my business.
It was my poor friend Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Aw, man, they're not here yet.
You're better at this than I am.
Can't we just send them a text? No no, see, the single breakup text-- simple.
But the double-dating breakup text-- word gets around.
Oh my goodness! Oh, look, they're growing flowers.
They must be growing them for us.
Damn, that means we need to wait another week.
Huh-uh.
No no no.
I am not waiting a week, even if they were growing Gucci gift cards.
All right? Besides, that soil is real dry.
One week of farming and suddenly you're an expert? Dude, I know what dry soil looks like.
Like you know what a goat nipple looks like.
Oh, you're right.
That is very dry.
They were probably so busy with all their fancy vegetables and their saffron that they forgot about these flowers.
Yeah.
Why don't you hand me that hose over there so they don't lose their girlfriends and their garden in one day.
I'm nervous.
Like, what are we gonna do, just walk up to them and be like, "hey, we're breaking up with you"? Yeah, that's exactly what we're gonna do.
Let's practice again.
I love you.
I don't share that feeling.
Right.
Marry me.
- Okay.
- No! It's my first time being asked.
You know what? We are not taking any chances.
I am standing right next to you when this goes down, okay? Hey, guys, what's up? I wish we knew you were coming down.
We could have told you that we were running late.
We just signed a contract with Batali.
He's taking our entire yield of saffron.
Wow, that is really amazing news you should keep in your pocket for the next five minutes.
Jo.
Uh, you're a really great guy, but-- - the hose! - What did you just call us? Is it okay? It's ruined.
It's all ruined.
That's your fault, sweetie.
You let all that soil get dry.
- Yeah, we tried to help you.
See? - Mm-hmm.
You did this? Calm it down, Amos.
All right? It's just a flower.
Yeah, saffron flowers.
What is saffron? Yeah, I always wondered that.
Is it like a caper? Yeah, like capers-- like is that a small spice or like a little bean? We're talking about saffron, the most expensive spice in the world.
It's almost impossible to grow in New York.
The moisture level has to be just right.
We spent years perfecting this microclimate, and now it's gone, all gone! We love you? What? I mean, I feel sorry for them.
They wanted to share their bounty with the world.
Screw our bounty.
This 4x8 plot was gonna be worth $10,000.
I thought you didn't care about money.
Who doesn't care about money? It's awesome! Once we had Batali, every chef in town was gonna be coming to us.
We were gonna be the saffron kings of New York.
We were gonna buy leather pants and get so much action.
You are not the man that I fell in love with.
- I'm sorry, Steve.
- We were this close, Rick.
Whoa, hold up now.
Rick and Steve? Y'all names are fake too? Who's gonna buy a $7 tomato from Rick and Steve? Good thing all we did was kiss them.
For the next week, nothing comes in this apartment that's green unless it's on a popsicle stick.
I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
A little more high fructose corn syrup and I'll be back to normal.
I'm just glad we got rid of that compost and fruit flies, and I'm glad we got rid of that goat.
Yeah, thanks for taking care of that.
I mean, I didn't return the goat.
I thought you returned the goat.
Who wants some stew? Aunt Honey, no.
He was just an innocent goat.
What? It's vegetable stew.
Leftovers from my dinner with the Rodham Clintons.
You know, I may be wrong about him.
They looked happier than ever.
That's good.
Aunt Honey, did you get rid of the goat? Now why would I get rid of the goat? Keeps my llama calm.