The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e11 Episode Script

"Interior, hallway.
Billy walks down the hall with his daughter.
" "You got everything, sweetheart? Lunch? Snack? A jacket in case it gets cold?" "Dad, calm down.
I'll be fine.
" "Hey, you want your daughter's first day as a porn star to be perfect.
" I've decided to write more of the sketches.
Acting will always be my first love, but it's limiting.
I feel like I have more to say than just somebody else's words that go into my mouth and then come out of my mouth.
"Hey, darlin'.
I'm Dirk.
I'll be your co-star.
Don't worry about the cold sores.
They're just herpes.
" You want to kill Josh's sketch? I know it got really big laughs.
It did.
I just think that we fall back on the blue stuff way too often.
Yeah, you know, it does get really sad sometimes.
Not sad.
You never heard the term "working blue"? It's the dirty stuff.
It's the dick, it's the herpes, and all of that schmutz.
It's the constant reference to balls.
There are a lot of references to balls.
We do work the balls a lot.
- Exactly.
- Cut the balls.
- Ooh.
- Sorry.
And one other thing.
If we're gonna do a porno sketch, which I'm open to, why am I the dad? I'm always the dad.
I could be a porno star.
I-I could easily see that.
"Hello, I'm Alex, and I'm here to deliver your pizza.
Oh, hello, girls.
" Do you know what I'm saying? - That's super hot.
- Just as something different.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, I'd buy that.
Believe me, the last thing I want to do is walk into Josh's dressing room Why does his dressing room always smell like ham, by the way? I haven't smelled it.
I will smell it.
Smell it when you get the chance.
I mean, I can't walk in there and go, "Josh, I know after the table read I said that I loved it, but" You said you loved it? Well, yeah.
Why why would you say that? Kristen, what's the most important thing we have going for us? God? On the show.
On the show.
You know, what's the one thing that we can't afford to lose? Our lease.
Chemistry.
The chemistry between Josh and I.
Chemistry, of course.
Of course.
"God.
" So now do you see the bind I am in? If I kill the sketch, Josh will resent me.
And if Josh resents me, it's bad for the show.
Maybe I kill the sketch? Wow.
That is an amazing idea.
I never would've thought of that.
That way, there are no fingerprints.
No fingerprints.
It's the perfect crime - It's not a crime - No.
And you don't even have to say it came from you.
You could say it came from the network.
Ooh, blame it on them.
That is good.
Yeah.
"Josh, this isn't even my call, and it definitely didn't come from Billy.
" Leave my name out of it.
Don't even mention my name.
Good note.
Yeah.
- I got this.
- You got it? I'm gonna kill.
All right.
Fourth of July.
You got big plans? Well, we usually Well, my dad's birthday is on the 4th.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.
And and ever since he Did I tell you my dad was decapitated in a boating accident? No.
I'm sorry.
I thought I did.
Anyway, we usually My mom and I We usually go out and visit his grave.
They never found his head, but the rest of him is out just out by Pomona.
Uh-huh.
The accident actually happened on the 4th, so - Oh, wow.
- Yeah, it's crazy.
Wow.
What about you? What are you What plans have you got? Uh, Rob Reiner does a thing.
Oh, that sounds fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So much of it is simply about structure, you guys.
The great writers What do they do? Huh? What do they do? Two things.
They create expectations.
They subvert expectations.
Is somebody writing this down? Guys, I've got some bad news from the network.
They want to kill the porno sketch.
Wait, what? Well, that subverted my expectations.
They they think that it's It's too dirty.
Too what? Kristen, it's FX.
Do you watch their horror story show? Two chicks use a snake as a double-headed dildo.
Or something.
I don't watch it.
It's just That's what the posters make it seem like happened.
I'll be sure to watch that.
No, we have to fight this.
Not for me.
Not because I wrote it.
- For Billy.
- Billy? Why Billy? Because Billy likes the sketch a lot, okay? - I got to go find him.
- No, no, no, hey.
Now, Billy is not involved in this.
Billy is involved with this, Kristen.
Do you know what he said to me? He said, "Josh, that is perhaps my favorite sketch that's ever been written on this show.
" - He did? - Yes, that's what yes.
That's what he said.
Okay? So if FX gets a call from Billy Crystal saying, "You can't kill that sketch my favorite sketch that's ever been written on this show ever.
" They will back down like a bunch of bitches.
Not that FX is a bunch of bitches.
No, no.
No, FX is they're terrific.
You want me to call the network.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, we should fight this, right? Yeah.
Yeah, of course we should.
We have to fight it.
Man, how could they kill that sketch? That sketch was so funny.
It is.
So funny.
- So funny.
- It's so funny.
So funny.
I thought it was very funny too.
Unbelievable.
I know.
It's completely unbelievable.
You know, I'm so glad you brought this to my attention.
I am going to call them as soon as you leave this office.
- I am so angry.
- Honestly? Oh, man, am I angry.
The fact that you would do this for me, the fact that you would get my back on this, honestly means the world.
Let me make the call.
Can I do this? Go ahead.
- Let's let him do it.
- Yeah.
Are you sure you don't want me in here to get your back? No, 'cause I'm When I'm steamed, nobody should see this 'cause I turn into the Incredible Jewish Hulk.
Why are you creeping? In or out.
Pow.
Yeah, really make the cold sores ooze.
It's only funny if they ooze.
Josh.
You look so funny.
Listen, little bit of a problem.
You know how I get a lot of requests for charity things.
Yeah, 'cause you're You're you.
All right, I agreed to something a while ago, and I just forgot about it.
There's a kid who's gonna be on the set today and the rest of the week to watch us work.
- A kid? - Yeah.
He's like a Make-A-Wish kid or something.
What are you Holy shit.
Is that them? Why does he have gray hair? Does he have that Benjamin Button disease? I think it's a chemo wig.
Billy and Josh, this is Adam.
Hey! - His mom, Stacy.
- Adam.
Hi, Stacy.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
How are you? Hey, how you doing? You look mahvelous.
- He loves Fernando - Oh! - He picked out the wig himself - That's so good Wow - Yeah? - Speak to you in private? Of course.
Of course.
Ah, we're gonna take a five-minute break.
- We'll be right back.
- Okay.
You and I are gonna have a lot of fun, pal.
That's crazy go nuts.
He knows it all.
See you, dahling.
He does it over and over.
We can't film this sketch in front of that sick, beautiful little chemo boy.
- I mean, it's filthy.
- Yeah, I know.
- All the dirty language? - Ah.
All the porno jokes? I know, I know, I know.
Shit.
Damn it.
Shit.
I mean, look, I love the sketch, you love the sketch.
- I love the sketch.
- I know you do.
- Love the sketch.
- That much I know.
But what are we doing here? We're really gonna sully the last 48 hours he has on earth or whatever it is? Oh, no, I know.
I know.
You're right.
I wish there was something that we could do.
Damn it.
'Cause I love this sketch.
Kill the sketch? You both want to kill the sketch? Shh, shh, shh.
Don't say "kill.
" Don't say "kill," don't say "die," don't say anything like that, because he's sitting right over there.
Guys, now, you know me, I am never one to, you know, sound the alarm bell, but the network is supposed to see a full cut of this episode by the end of the week, so So we will shoot something else.
That's all.
What was that sketch I liked? I'm Tom Hanks from Big, and Josh is the mermaid from Splash? - What was that called? - "Big Splash.
" - Right, that was funny.
- Yeah, that was funny.
Yeah, we could do that.
That's a very wholesome sketch, a sketch that a kid could watch.
Nay should watch.
We would need to build sets.
We would need to make the costumes.
I mean, the very earliest that we could do this would be maybe midday tomorrow.
Ooh.
Tomorrow's Fourth of July.
All right, I hate to be the one to say this, but Josh is right.
We cannot shoot this porno sketch in front of that little guy.
So if it means working of the Fourth of July I'll do it.
You know what? I was just gonna spend the day writing tomorrow, but this is far more important.
And I have the Rob thing.
I hate to miss it, but I will.
I mean, he grills these prawns.
They're the size of a baby's arms.
Oh, my God.
I love prawns.
Everybody loves prawns.
But, you know, you have to make a sacrifice.
I usually go back to Indiana every year on the Fourth.
My whole family gets together.
There's this big picnic.
It's pretty great.
And then we head into town for the fireworks.
I just love the fireworks, but, um, this year, I knew I wouldn't be able to get back home.
I'm just I'm so busy with work.
So I flew everyone out to L.
A.
And now they are in my apartment just hanging.
Hey everybody, coming in - Oh.
Gather around just for a second.
We have a little something we want to talk to you about.
All right, so last night, Josh and I were talking.
- Texting.
- Texting and talking.
And we know it's a drag to spend your holiday here in the office.
Although the overtime doesn't suck.
Am I right, guys? Don't be that guy.
And we thought, let's make it fun.
So Impression contest! Impression contest.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- It'll be hilarious.
- Oh, so much fun.
You pick a famous person that you think you can imitate, but you have to be that person all day.
The entire day.
And the winner gets a gift basket.
Huge gift basket with summer sausages - Cheeses.
- Cheeses.
And the entire first season of 1600 Penn.
Wow.
That's quite a value.
We're gonna kick it off right now with our friend Adam who's visiting us.
Adam, what do you got? It is better to look good than to feel good.
- Wow.
- Ooh, Schwarzenegger.
Wow.
No, no.
That is gonna be tough to beat.
All right.
Hello, room service.
This is Cosell.
Once again, you've sent too much fish with the lox platter.
What am I, Shamu? There's just too much fish right there.
And Adam is still in the lead.
Fair enough.
So think on who you want to be, and we'll see you on the set.
See you guys out there.
Nice shorts, Mitch.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I actually I got them at CVS.
I went in there for Q-tips and came out with a whole outfit.
What about Susan Sarandon? Has she been naked in anything? Um yes.
59 minutes into The Hunger, she's naked.
With Catherine Deneuve.
Directed by Tony Scott.
Why do you know the time code? I like Susan Sarandon.
Um, when you guys are done in here, they want you to get wired for sound.
Okay, but I'm confused about something.
Why did Esme tell us that we had to get wired for sound? They just asked me to ask you to get wired for sound.
Right, but what would it sound like if, say, Taylor Swift came in and asked us to get wired for sound? Mm-hmm.
- Or Rihanna.
- Mm-hmm.
Rihanna would never take this job.
That's that's not what I meant.
What I what I'm saying is, have a little fun with this.
Okay.
We'll give you a little bit of a break.
You don't have to do somebody famous.
You could, you could impersonate somebody from your own life.
Yeah, it's 4th of July, let's have some fun Umm, okay fine Um They want to wire you maggots for sound! Do you hear me, maggots? They want to wire you filthy, subhuman, piece of shit maggots for sound! I'm not here to watch you get older and fatter.
Do you hear me, soldier? It was my drill sergeant from the Marines.
You were in the Marines? For three years.
Ask a question sometime.
Anyway, uh, they want to wire you for sound.
She protected us? So apparently, every year on the Fourth, the studio hosts a big fireworks celebration for employees and their families.
There's a beer garden, music, the whole deal.
I'd have invited my parents, but it's sold out, so they're in L.
A.
right now having dinner at a Coco's.
- Hey, Mitch.
- Yes, hello good sirs - Here they are - Alright buddy, you are up.
- Mm? - Impression contest.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Your turn.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have been waiting all day for this.
I've got very high hopes for you, so Now is your chance to prove yourself as a performer.
Well, I hope not to let you guys down.
Here we go.
I'm President Barack Obama I'm gonna stop you right there.
Hmm.
Don't say the name of the person that you're doing the impression of at the beginning.
- Exactly.
- Right? If you must explain, you must refrain.
Thanks.
That's a great note.
Yeah.
I'll work I'll continue to hone.
- Yeah.
For next year.
- Okay.
- Way to go.
- All right.
Bye, brother.
You're paying an entire crew overtime to work through the holiday why? It is It's very complicated, Bob.
Kristen, I've been in this business a long time, and I want to congratulate you, because I'm not sure I have ever seen a more poorly managed show.
Thank you for ruining my Fourth of July.
Sorry about that, Mom.
It's work.
Oh, look.
12 miles to Pomona.
We're almost there.
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.
"I love that it takes you "an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
"I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose "when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
"I came here tonight because when you realize "you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
" Do you know when your mom's gonna be back? Ma'am, I'm sorry, but the lot is totally full.
You'll have to park out on the street.
I have had a very difficult day, and I would like for you to lift the gate please.
Uh, ma'am Lift the gate.
Yes, ma'am.
And cut.
All right, that's a cut, guys.
Very, very nice.
Let's reset.
We'll do it again.
Billy, dahling.
He's a great kid, isn't he? Yeah, he is.
He is.
Guys, so, according to Tom, that last take was no good for sound.
- None of it? - What? It's the fireworks outside, they're bleeding through.
It's The mikes you guys are wearing pick up every little noise.
All right, how much longer is it gonna be? 20, 30 minutes I'm told.
Wow.
That is a nice, long show.
I bet it is spectacular.
All right, I'm gonna go There are cupcakes out.
- Do you want a cupcake? - Yeah, I would love a cupcake.
Just get a bunch.
Get a bunch, Mitch? Hey, there.
Oh, wow.
So, Adam.
How's he doing? Oh, he's having a ball.
This is great.
You're treating him so well.
Of course.
No, no, I know, but - Yeah.
- How's he doing? What do you mean? You know, the The cancer.
Cancer? He doesn't have cancer.
Then why the wig? I told you the other day it was He loves Fernando.
And how did he get to be a Make-A-Wish kid? What the [bleep.]
are you talking about? He's not a Make-A-Wish kid.
It was an auction at his private school.
This was one of the items.
Got my ex to pay 30 grand for it.
Cancer.
So you're, um you're divorced? 16 A and C.
- This is us.
- Okay, great.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi there.
Sorry.
One, two, three.
Would you mind moving so we could sit together? You know, I actually really prefer the middle seat.
You prefer the middle seat? Well, I prefer to be on my own just running through a park, but I don't think I can.
Don't do this here.
Don't do this here.
- No, I you know - I'm so sorry.
You're a real dick.
- I'm gonna [bleep.]
you up.
- No, no, no.
Hey, don't I recognize this cute little goldfish from around Bikini Bottom? Buuuuhh! - Mayor of Munchkin City? - Okay, yeah.
.
SpongeBob.
- SquarePants.
- No.
No.
Doesn't sound like what I've seen of that.
- The cartoon character.
- Yeah, no.
I watch it all the time with my grandkids.
Work on it a little bit more.
I'll go work on it a little.
Why why is everybody just standing around? We are burning money here.
We have to wait till the fireworks show stops.
Until they stop that could be, like, another 45 minutes.
Have you seen the show they put on here? It's spectacular.
This is This is what we've been told.
Hey, you know, Kristen, you haven't done an impression yet.
- Oh, no, you haven't.
- An impression? - I don't do impressions.
- Everybody's done it.
Everybody does an impression of somebody.
- You can do it.
- I don't.
Come on, you can do somebody.
Oh, you know who you should do? Guy to my right.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Mr.
Crystal.
Just don't start it with "Hi, I'm Billy Crystal.
" That gets you disqualified.
I am not doing Billy.
No.
Oh, come on.
You know what? I'm fine.
Not a lot of people do me.
I won't be mad.
I prom I won't I promise I won't be mad.
I don't want to work blue, Kristen.
These kids with all the pee-pee and the poo-poo.
Oh, my That is you.
W-W-W-We do we do too much of the dick stuff, you know, and the balls and the ball schmutz and schmutzle and schlemiels And herpes.
I could be a porn star too, Kristen.
I could be a porn star too.
Oh, my God.
You killed my sketch.
Josh, listen to me.
The kid? All the stuff with the network? You did that.
- Josh.
- God damn it! Josh, just let Get off my tail.
This may be the worst Fourth of July ever.
- Josh.
- What? - Josh.
- What? Listen, I'm really sorry.
Seriously, what the hell were you thinking? We've been getting along really well lately, and we're doing good work.
I did not want to upset the apple cart.
Listen, I'll work blue, but not not all the time.
You know dick jokes, for me they're like, dark and funny But ultimately they're Chinese food.
20 minutes later you don't know what Billy, Billy, as much as I love your Chinese food analogies, I'm really not in the mood to hear another long lecture about comedy right now.
All right, but you have to know, with six long lectures, you get egg roll.
You're making 1940s movie references.
You're just hitting all the bases.
It was the '60s.
All right, listen.
One last thing, and then I'll shut up.
That kid in there, Alan - Adam? - Yeah, Adam.
As weird as he is, he knows all my stuff.
He's memorized everything I've ever done.
So I don't want to work blue.
I will mix it up with anybody offstage.
Onstage, on TV, movies, I don't want to work that way.
That's fine.
Just, from now on, if you're not happy with something that I'm doing, just tell me.
Just be honest with me.
I will.
I will.
And you with me.
- 'Cause we're partners in this.
- We are partners in this.
- Do you want some? - No, and why are you smoking? I'm just really mad.
By the way, Adam? Turns out he's not dying.
- What? - Yeah, he's just rich.
We just spent two days with a kid who's gonna live? I know.
It's very disappointing.
That little [bleep.]
.
- Right? - That little [bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
That little piece of shit.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you know what else? - His Fernando sucked.
- Oh, yeah.
- That [bleep.]
.
- Bitch.
Mother and his [bleep.]
[bleep.]
of a mother.
Her I thought she was pretty hot.
- Really? - Yeah.
Pricks.
What is with fireworks? - I hate them.
I hate them.
- Do they make sense? No, they're like Technicolor terrorist attacks.
Thank you, China, put some more [bleep.]
shit in the air.
Hey, you want to go get a beer since we're just standing around? That's the best idea you've had all night.
And by the way, this mermaid outfit is a little sexy.
Thank you.
You're so sweet.
If I was a salmon, I'd be right in your [bleep.]
.
- I swear to God.
- Aw.
This is a turn-on right there.
- Hey.
- You.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Yeah.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr.
Crystal.
What the hell was that about? - Oh, shit.
- Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Let's get a [bleep.]
beer.
Yeah, let's get a beer.
So do you want to start with the pilot and just Or just go to my favorite episodes? I haven't been touched by a man in three years.
Mm, let me just close the door.
Good idea.
It smells like ham in here.
Yeah, I like ham.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You're a freaky snowman.
What?