The Conners (2018) s01e11 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Hey.
The school called the house.
They're trying to reach you.
Funny how you go to school there and yet they can't seem to find you.
I'm on the school grounds.
I'm just places where they can't find me.
What does that mean? Are you tunneling? - Are you in the trees? - [SODA CAN POPS.]
No.
I go places to read.
Fine.
The school has a bomb shelter.
I figured I'd have the place to myself unless somebody in Washington makes a really big mistake.
All right, stop doing that.
And the office said they need a Word document of your article so they can print it in the school paper.
My article's going in the paper? You had good news, and you were screwing with me? Well, I don't play tennis or anything, so I have to have some fun.
Can you at least tell me what it's called? Yeah.
It's an article called "My Mom Has No Life of Her Own, So She's Desperately Trying to Live Through Mine.
" Oh, my God.
It's the Ghost of Children Past.
Wow.
What's with the massive amount of baby supplies? It's for Becky.
We were at the mall, grabbing some tools before they close the Sears, and there's a baby store folding up right next door.
You know, it used to be a Brookstone that used to be a RadioShack that used to be a Spencer Gifts.
The people in the baby store, they thought we were a couple.
Sometimes, the younger man needs the older man's wisdom.
Wait.
You and Emilio went shopping for baby stuff? We almost grabbed you a stroller, too, but we thought you'd like to pick that out.
But we did get you a breast pump.
"For all shape and sizes.
" So a stroller is too personal, but the breast pump, you figured, "What the hell?" If you'd like to buy something different, I can take it back tomorrow.
Thank you.
You want to hear something incredibly sad? Who doesn't? Ben asked me and the kids to live with him in Chicago, but I can't go.
Why not? Well, I promised you I'd stay here to be here for you and the baby, so Oh, yeah.
Right.
Good.
Uh, and it's such a great opportunity.
I mean, I can work at a big-city tabloid, and the kids can be in the city that they love.
It's really a shame, but oh, well.
I'm giving you an opportunity to be gracious while I'm trying to renege on my promise.
I could use a little help here.
Of course you should go, you little whiner.
[LAUGHS.]
But you still have to keep your promise.
If I go into rehab, I'm FedExing the baby to you in Chicago.
Okay, just don't make it where I have to sign for it, 'cause sometimes I'm not there.
[LAUGHS.]
"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey, Jackie.
I'm home.
- JACKIE: Hey! Oh, you are really missing some fun at the Renaissance Winter Fair.
Today, we recreated the stacking of the bodies that were found under the Great Snow of 1430.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You finally did it.
I know she was horrible to you, but but she was your mother.
Now, we're gonna have to say that this was an accident.
What? These are drapes.
You thought this was Bev? [LAUGHING.]
No.
No.
Oh.
She's at the dog races in Dubuque.
Oh, my God.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
It would've been cool, though, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Well, I I I've only known her a short while, - but yes.
Yes.
- That's why I love you.
Mwah! Well, since you love me, may I throw some of my outfits from the fair into the laundry? Oh, sure.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What's this? Oh.
Oh, that's a 15th century ladies' undergarment.
Those pouches are called "breastbags.
" Ah.
Well, the history's fascinating, but whose breasts fill up the bags? I don't know.
There is a communal changing tent at the fair.
I I must have grabbed the wrong things.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
Are you suggesting that I'm cheating on you? You're you're being ridiculous.
I'm only asking for the truth.
I gave you the truth, but if you keep accusing me of being unfaithful to you, I'm gonna go ahead and do it.
I I might as well, if I'm gonna get blamed for it anyway.
All right, sorry.
Just give whosever breastbags these are back, - and I won't mention it again.
- Okay.
Okay, I I'll put them in the lost and found.
Yesterday, somebody misplaced a small bag of dove's droppings, - which were used to lighten one's hair.
- Oh.
And somebody else was looking for their homemade toothpaste.
It was an unfortunate coincidence.
Mm.
- Snowblower broken again? - Yep.
These sudden winter storms catch all kinds of things by surprise.
So, basically, it's been a frozen gopher shooter.
Poof! Waah! [CHUCKLES.]
Good fun.
Uh, well I got something to tell you.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Yes? Ben asked me and the kids to move to Chicago.
He got an offer to relocate the paper to a bigger market.
Wow.
Big step.
What'd you say? Well, I didn't say anything yet.
I wanted to talk to you first.
Well, you have my blessing.
I personally think Lanford's on the cusp of a renaissance, but if you want to go, it's your call.
Mm.
You sure you're okay with it? Yeah.
I enjoy my privacy, and you're only an hour away.
All right, pop quiz.
You forget to take your blood-pressure meds in the morning.
What do you do? I grab me a handful of whatever's closest and wash it down with a beer.
But no pork rinds.
Too much salt, right? All right, you pass.
I'm out of here.
Good.
I'm gonna need a break anyway before Becky moves in with the baby.
You know that's coming.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I got to rest a minute.
This kid is only the size of a blueberry.
Why am I so tired? Here.
You probably need some water.
Thanks.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
This will be a good park to bring our baby to.
It is like the one where my papa taught me how to play soccer in Chihuahua.
Aunt Jackie has done an amazing job improving your English, but a Chihuahua is a dog.
Chihuahua is where I grew up in Mexico.
We'll agree to disagree.
I think it is time for you to have something to eat.
Aww.
That's so thoughtful.
It's, uh, tuna casserole with potato chips on top.
That's my favorite.
Yes.
Your papa told me.
He say it is part of your white heritage.
[SIGHS.]
This is delicious.
Mm.
Listen.
I'm sorry it took me so long to give you a chance.
You're a good guy, Emilio.
And I'm a good person, too.
I just never imagined my life would be like this sitting and eating in the park with the father of my child, who I barely know.
That is funny, because this is what I dreamed my life would be like sitting in a park, getting to know a strong and beautiful woman like you who's about to have my baby.
That is so sweet.
It is the truth.
Hey.
Is that my laundry on the floor out in the hallway? Yeah.
I threw it there.
- Have you been drinking? - Uh, I'll ask the questions.
Explain this.
[PAPER RUSTLING.]
This is my phone bill.
Why do you have it? Uh, because if you're gonna cheat on somebody, you should be smart enough to pay your own damn phone bill so you're the only person that has access to it, because the number that comes up most on that bill is Breastbags.
[SIGHS.]
Breastbags has a PhD in 16th century music and costuming.
I call her frequently to be sure I'm dressed correctly and humming the right madrigal.
Really? Because when I talked to her, I asked her about the shirt, and she said, "Oh, my boyfriend must have accidentally grabbed it.
" You son of a bitch.
Oh, Jackie.
Oh, Jackie, this is unnecessary.
It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean anything? Yes.
Yes, I'm with you and not her.
A a stupid affair doesn't mean I love you any less.
Don't throw what we have away by being so narrow-minded and provincial.
Don't play your mind games with me.
This isn't my fault.
Isn't it, Jackie? Don't let your insecurity drive away another man.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Oh, my God.
Dan told me you were taking advantage of me, and I didn't listen 'cause I was weak.
- You're not weak.
- Uh, yo well, not anymore I'm not.
Oh, ow! Ow! Ow! - Th that hurt.
That hurt! - Good! Well, then that means I'm doing it right.
Oh, this is beneath you, Jackie.
Beneath me.
You're beneath me.
- I trusted you! - I'm - That really hurt.
- Get the hell out! God.
Aah! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay, so, nothing is written in stone yet, but Ben asked us to move in with him in Chicago.
What? That's crazy! Oh, my God! I love you! I'm gonna go pack now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
I didn't even say yes yet.
Here.
Use my phone.
Oh, you're letting me look at your phone? I don't like the way you said that.
But if we go back to Chicago, how are we gonna see our dad? Oh, well, we'll come visit, and he can come there.
What about Grandpa? He can come see us, too, and he'll still have Aunt Jackie and Becky.
Plus, we're leaving the chickens here to keep him company, which amuses me to no end.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Did you call a moving company already? - Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hi.
You surprising the kids? Probably, but I'm gonna surprise you first.
I broke up with Blue.
What? Why? She wanted kids, and I just couldn't do it.
Yeah, well, that's a good call on your part.
Little Moonshine and Epiphany would have respiratory problems from all that sage.
She wanted the whole works um, marriage, everything.
When you and I did it, I knew that I wanted it, but she's not you.
Don't don't do this.
You know I'm in a relationship.
I was in one just half an hour ago.
There's a couple of things you can say to end it right away.
One is "flaky.
" That'll get a toaster in the air real quick.
D David, do you think you can just come in here and I'm gonna drop everything?! Are you high? A little.
Yes, I'm hoping you will.
Okay, come on.
[STAMMERS.]
I did everything I said I was going to do.
I got a steady job.
I'm in my kids' lives now.
There's no reason no reason we should not be together.
[CHUCKLES.]
I I can think of one.
Ben just asked me and the kids to move to Chicago with him.
Okay, tell him no.
Wow.
Are you really gonna bail on me to move in with some stranger? You mean like you did with Blue? Hey.
You said we were done.
That's the only reason I moved in with her.
And, by the way, I have a ridiculous tattoo now that's kind of your fault.
It's too late, all right? Now, the kids are gonna be an hour away, and I'll just make sure that you can see them on a regular basis.
No, hey, I love you.
And you said you would love me forever.
You're going to change your mind about this.
It's way better to do it now than two months after you've moved the kids to Chicago.
Grab your coat.
Jackie's in trouble.
The kids are in the kitchen.
Show them that you got a tattoo so they know it's not cool anymore.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Jackie's wasted.
The owner remembered her from this being the old Lunch Box, so she's being cool, but get her out of here, or I got to take her in.
Thanks, Rog.
I think we got this.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
It's my family! - You here to eat? - Sure.
Okay, well, I got to warn you, we only serve Chinese food.
- Got it.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
So, uh, you shouldn't be drinking on the job, right? No, I should be.
China other side of the Earth.
It's all opposite.
Okay.
So, what do you recommend? Oh, not giving your heart away.
Peter was cheating on me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No.
Don't worry.
I took care of it, 'cause I explained to him he was not treating me very well, and then I whipped the bejeezus out of him with a towel.
What?! [DAN AND JACKIE LAUGH.]
Hey, how about sitting down with us for a minute? Yes, I can take my break now because I don't really work here.
I used to, though, me and my sister.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
We owned the place.
We called it the Lunch Box.
And it was the last place I was happy.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Your dad do you know Dan? Your dad, he was right about Peter, and I didn't listen.
Okay.
I got to get these people their fortune cookies, 'cause it's Chinese food you know.
All right.
It's so nice of you to dine with us tonight.
Let's see what you get.
You get, "You will find happiness and [LAUGHING.]
romance.
" [VOICE BREAKING.]
It's a lie.
It's a lie.
'Cause it's supposed to say that your sister's gonna die and that, uh, the guy that you thought was gonna save you, he doesn't give a rat's ass about you.
So that's your fortune! [BOTTLE SHATTERS.]
- Okay, time to go.
I'll get her purse.
- Yep.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! This place is boring! Why don't you get in the car? I'll take you to a better bar.
No.
Trick.
[LAUGHING.]
Trick! Trick! [SCREAMS.]
It's a trick! It's a [LAUGHS.]
[SOBBING.]
It's gonna be okay.
Let's leave these folks to their dinner.
Okay.
Oh, brother.
You know, it's it's not [INHALES SHARPLY.]
It's not the Lunch Box anymore.
[SIGHS, SOBS.]
Rough night, huh? How's Jackie? She's sleeping it off.
Um, you know, you didn't have to come over here.
Well, you said you wanted to talk about Chicago.
Obviously anxious to hear, so what's up? Um, I definitely want to move in with you, but I just can't leave my dad alone right now.
He's too vulnerable.
Your dad? He looks like he could still be swatting down airplanes from the top of the Empire State Building.
I know.
I it just wouldn't be fair to move to Chicago and then a couple months later realize that I should be here you know, for my dad.
So, uh, is this like and I don't mean to be morbid, but until he dies, or ? Could this change? Oh, no, I mean, it could definitely change.
I just need time, um, you know, just to get him used to the idea.
And in the meantime, I'll I'll commute.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll that'll work.
So, are we still on for tonight? Yes, of course.
- Oh, my God.
Why wouldn't we be? - Okay, all right.
- Well, then, I'll see you later.
- All right.
- I I love you.
- And I love you.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Oh, Aunt Jackie, I didn't know you were up.
- You must feel like hell.
- [GROANS.]
Well, like I've been through hell.
That's for sure.
I've been throwing up kind of regular this morning.
Was I at some Chinese place last night? 'Cause I've got, like, rice everywhere.
You know, I I just want to say this.
No matter how horrible things seem right now, you just never know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
So bad things turn to good, good things turn to great, great things turn to, uh, confusing, possibly great, but also possibly bad.
But if you're lucky, they could be good things.
I think you went past your point.
Um, I'm okay.
Everything's just coming out.
You know, all the the the toxic mess of my life that's just been boiling up ever since your mom passed.
But I just got to work real hard on why I always look outside myself for happiness.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God.
I got a life-coach client in 20 minutes, and I've got puke in my hair.
And I got no time to take a shower.
- Can I borrow a brush? - Um Hey, Becky, you got a brush in your purse? Aunt Jackie needs one.
- Sure.
- Great.
Thanks.
I'll get it right back to ya.
Whatcha doing? Now that I'm getting a few bucks from Emilio, I'm replacing all the stuff I took.
Uh, okay, you took Oreos.
Choco-Sandwich Discs are not the same.
- Becky, has Emilio called you? - No.
I got a message from a number I don't recognize.
Check it.
I heard there was a big ICE raid downtown, and they hit the restaurants.
Oh, my this is ridiculous.
These people are just trying to have a better life.
[SIGHS.]
He was here illegally, Darlene.
Oh, so you don't have a problem with what's happening? I have a big problem.
I like the guy, my daughter's about to have his baby, and he may be getting dragged out of the country.
You think I want that? Damn it.
It's Emilio, right? - [SNIFFLES.]
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS.]
EMILIO: taking me to Texas and then turning me over to authorities in Juárez.
I will find a way back to you and our baby after a short time in Chihuahua the city, not the dog.
[LAUGHS, SNIFFLES.]
So, I just came from the principal's office, and I've got bad news.
You're all wrong about me! I'm getting my article published in the Sunday Chicago Sun-Times! - That's fantastic! - Yeah, Harris! Congratulations! Now you have to tell us what it's about.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, it's an article about how terrible life in Lanford is, that it's a decaying old town full of losers and burnouts, and if you live here, it's only a matter of time until you become a drunk or a drug addict.
Thank God we're moving to Chicago, because I have burned some bridges to the ground.
This is my big, "So long, and screw you, Lanford!" We have to talk.