The Cool Kids (2018) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Hey, Charlie, there you are.
You forgot your hat in the dining room.
I don't think I've ever seen you without it.
Thought maybe you had a Mohawk under there.
(chuckles) No, I didn't forget it.
I'm courting a woman.
I never wear my hat when I'm courting.
How do I look? Cool? So, tell me about this woman.
Well, her name is Kathleen.
She hosts a group here three times a week.
And the moment I saw her, I fell hard, man.
Wow, Charlie, I've never heard you talk like this.
It's so sweet.
So, what are you doing? You meeting up for lunch, you going to a movie? Oh, God, no.
We've never talked.
No, that happens in six to eight weeks.
I have a system.
Right now we're in phase two.
It's what the Mossad calls "Intelligence Gathering.
" Okay, see, the word "Mossad" should never factor into your dating game.
I got a crazy idea Why don't you just talk to her? - Talk to her? - (laughs) Margaret, can you be serious for a second? This is my life we're talking about.
What is the issue? Well, I haven't dated in forever, and I got to go slow.
After six divorces, you start to think maybe you're bad with women.
- Thank you.
- Oh, there she is.
Wow, Charlie, - she's beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
You sure you don't want to set your sights a little lower? How about this cute gal in here with the eye patch? Uh, no, I don't like her politics.
Kathleen's the one.
Well, then I got a new system for you.
- Turn around.
- What? - Get over there.
- Wh Oh! (chuckles) Hello.
Um, hi.
Are you here for the group? Um, I'll answer that question in six to eight weeks.
(quietly): Oh, my God.
Oh.
Knew we should've started with the eye patch gal.
Um, Allison? I just wanted to extend a thank-you for asking me to be the anchor of the Shady Meadows News.
Mm.
I don't know if I'd call it news.
It's just reading the daily announcements.
So I assume that you realized that the broadcast needed a jolt of my gravitas? No, I realized the guy who used to do it died.
Go away, Allison.
Wow, the Shady Meadows News.
Hank, have you been practicing your anchorman voice? Check this out.
You've been watching the Shady Meadows News with Hank Henderson.
Good night.
And to my Spanish-speaking viewers, buenas night.
You guys, Margaret made me talk to a woman.
And get this, I had just started phase two.
What? That is crazy.
Phase two usually lasts six to eight weeks.
Wait a minute, you guys know about all this crazy phase stuff and you haven't tried to help him? Girl, we've been trying to help him for years.
Yeah, I mean, if a couple of primo studs like me and Sid can't help him out, nobody can.
(laughing): "Primo studs"? You two? We're just gonna let that go by? (Margaret continues laughing) Okay.
Maybe I'm just hopeless.
Oh, Charlie, you're not hopeless.
You're just getting advice from people who are hopeless.
And do you think you could do better? Like you're some great wingwoman? Hell yes, I am.
If Charlie takes my advice, he'll be with Kathleen by the end of the week.
Wow, 'cause I got a great first date planned.
We're gonna help my buddy Dave move.
End of the month.
Everyone, take a seat, please.
Oh, happy to see a couple new faces here.
That's me.
She's talking about my face.
Yeah.
You see? - This is all courtesy of your wingwoman.
- Yeah.
So, let's just pretend like we belong in her group, and then when it's over, we'll introduce ourselves - and I'll talk you up.
- Okay.
What do you think this group is about, anyway? Oh, I hope it's not AA 'cause I still got my lunch buzz going.
(chuckles) Fingers crossed it's sex addicts.
(sighs) Jesse, do you want to go first? H-Hi.
I-I'm Jesse.
- Yeah.
- It's been a tough couple of years.
I-I still miss my wife.
Perfect.
I think this is some kind of a sad-sack singles group.
Aw That's okay.
Everyone deals with the death of a spouse differently.
They could still be sex addicts.
Thanks for letting me tag along, buddy.
I've always had an interest in show business.
It's gonna be fun to finally get a peek behind the curtain.
Well, peek away, Sidney.
This is it! The big time.
Oh, uh, Allison? Just so I can get an idea of our audience, what sort of ratings are you, uh, looking for in our key demographic? Well, this is closed-circuit TV in a retirement community.
There are baby monitors reaching a bigger audience.
(chuckles) Look at this.
Oh, feels good.
Oh, yeah.
Well, let me just (clears throat) do my vocal (clears throat) my vocal warm-ups.
Bi-bim-bap.
(clears throat) (lower): Bi-bi-bim-bap.
I'll-I'll have the bi-bim-bap.
(sputters) (yowls) All good on this end.
Y'all ready to rock and roll? Sure, Hank.
We go live in three, two, one.
Action.
(quietly): Hank.
Read the script.
Read it out loud, Hank.
(whispering): The, um, golf course is closed due to the recent swan attacks.
Our thoughts are with Ronnie Sinclair for a speedy recovery.
How is he so bad at this? All he has to do is read the menu, the events, and the death of the day.
I know.
It's like, "There's pot roast "in the kitchen, square dancing in the rec room, and Marilyn Bartlett is in the ground.
" Boom! Yeah.
Exactly like that.
HANK (whispering): You guys, don't forget about, uh, bingo Wednesday and (whispering indistinctly) We still can't hear you, Hank.
(loudly): Um, this week, we got We got Salisbury steak this week in the kitchen.
- (microphone feedback squeals) - I like Salisbury steak 'cause it's good.
Um This guy sucks! (exhales) We got to get out of here.
We do not have dead spouses.
I certainly wish my ex was dead, but this is wrong.
No, no, no, no, no.
- This is amazing.
- (scoffs) I mean, I'm-I'm sitting next to Kathleen and she smells like cinnamon and dreams.
I mean, look at her, Margaret.
She's an angel.
My wife's an angel now, too.
This guy gets it.
Oh, do you want to share with us? He does not.
He's good.
He's not a sharer.
Uh, next.
This dude looks pretty sad.
It's okay, sweetie.
Remember, everyone, this is a safe space.
A sacred space.
Do you hear that? Sacred.
We got to go.
No, she called me sweetie.
Don't you want to speak your truth? - So you can move forward? - Mm.
Um, the truth is I got a dead wife.
I'm gonna get my groove back on today's broadcast.
You know, I figured out why I had my little, uh, issue yesterday.
I wasn't properly hydrated.
Oh, Hank, you really think it was a hydration issue and not just stage fright? Stage fright? That's ridiculous.
(chuckles) I just got to get my waters right.
Why did you tell her you had a dead wife? I panicked, okay? I blew it.
Or did I? Hey, hear me out.
What if we killed one of my ex-wives? I'm thinking of Joyce.
She's the slowest.
Y'all talking about killing wives? Well, I guess that wingwoman thing isn't going so well.
She did her best.
I mean, it's me she's dealing with here, not a couple of primo studs like you two.
Okay, gonna have to flag the "primo stud" thing right now.
Don't change the subject, Margaret.
Admit it, you tried to be Charlie's wingwoman and you failed.
So say it: "I'm a red-headed failure.
" Say it! I am not a red-headed failure.
This is "sparkling sherry.
" We're gonna get Kathleen for you, and we're gonna shut up these primo studs.
Primo studs? Us? How sweet of you, Margaret.
Thank you.
(exhales): Ah My levels are good.
The Hank tank is full.
Let's make some news! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on, Allison? Why they got two chairs at the desk? And why does one of them have three phone books on it? They're for my bottom.
Surprise! We're gonna be cohosts.
Wait, what? Is this 'cause of what happened yesterday? I told you, that was a hydration issue.
I solved it! You hear all that sloshing? Oh, I'm just here for emotional support.
You're still the star, baby.
Yeah, well, why do I only got one line? "Hi, I'm Hank Henderson.
- Here's Sid.
" - Ooh.
Did I not cut that line? Maybe we could give him one more line.
I don't want your pity lines! This is an atrocity.
I gave birth to this baby, and you're gonna let him just steal it and raise it himself? You trying to Rumpelstiltskin my ass! And don't say, "Oh, no, Hank, we not trying to Rumpelstiltskin your ass," 'cause that sounds just like something Rumpelstiltskin would say! This is so predictable, Allison.
- That's why your show sucks.
- Hank, take a breath.
Nah, I'm-a take a breath 'cause I want to take breath.
I ain't taking a breath just 'cause you told me to take a breath.
I feel like taking a breath.
(inhales) I'm walking, you Rumpelstiltskin-ass suckers! Yikes.
That was devastating to watch.
I don't know if I'll be even able to perform.
Three, two, one.
Good evening, Shady Meadows! Elaine Jenkinson's left her dentures in the dining hall today.
When asked for a comment, Elaine said, (speaks gibberish, laughs) "Where's my teeth?" (laughter) Coming to this group is your only shot at making a real connection with Kathleen.
And in order to do that, we have to make your lie emotionally true.
I mean, this group is about loss, Charlie.
You've experienced loss, right? Well, I still can't find the clicker for my Roku.
Dig even deeper.
I once had a dog.
And when that pooch died, a part of me died, too.
That is great.
Okay.
So, when you're talking about your fake dead wife, be thinking about your real dead dog.
- Got it.
- Oh, and, uh, don't mention the Roku.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
Do or don't? Don't.
Got it.
And just to be clear, um, it's the Roku remote.
I have the Roku.
(chuckles) That's the frustrating part of this whole thing.
Well, shall we all get started? Charlie, you were beginning to share at the last session.
- Mm-hmm.
- Would you like to keep going? Okay.
But it's it's kind of hard because, um, - she was my best friend.
- Oh.
- She had soulful eyes.
- Ah.
Oh, gee.
Great, big ears.
(chuckles): Oh, dear.
And a tail that just wouldn't quit.
(Kathleen chuckles) Well, attraction is important.
We used to love to play Frisbee.
Oh.
She'd always fall asleep right between my legs.
She chewed the hell out of our couch.
(chuckles) Well, after a hard day at the office, who hasn't chewed a couch? I mean, I mean, that's just called being human.
What was her name? Please let it be a human name.
Her name was Buttons.
Oh! Oh.
It's okay.
Let it out.
- (laughs) - Yeah.
I still can't believe that dog-wife story worked.
Especially after you told everybody how she used to rub her ass on the carpet.
(laughs) But, hey, it got you a date.
Yeah.
I-Is it a date? 'Cause she said it was follow-up therapy.
Mm, any one-on-one conversation can become a date.
- Okay.
- You just got to steer it away from the grief stuff.
Try and keep it light.
Okay.
I could talk about lasers.
You know what, Charlie? If you want to talk about lasers, you talk about lasers.
All right? And, uh, just remember, you're not a loser, you're a catch.
And I got a backup plan - if it starts to go south.
- Thank you.
Oh.
Hi, Kathleen.
- Hi.
- Thank you for coming.
Of course.
You made a big breakthrough in group this week, and I'm-I'm proud of you.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) Well, it's courtesy of the hottest therapist I've ever met.
(chuckles) Sit down.
Uh, okay.
Um, I brought some grief pamphlets you might find useful.
Uh-huh.
Well, good news.
- I don't need them.
- Oh! - (chuckles) - You're that good.
One of those pamphlets you just tossed aside is about avoidance.
Are any of them about how beautiful you look in the afternoon sun? I mean, not that I've been watching you from afar.
-(laughs) - I'm that-that's what the Mossad does, but I would never Hey, Charlie! And, uh, and Kathleen, is it? Uh, yes.
You're in my grief group.
I, uh, I happen to have this freshly-opened bottle - of champagne.
- Why? I was on my way to a boat christening.
(chuckles) - In Arizona? - Yeah, well, they canceled it.
Anyway, so this, uh, this hooch is up for grabs.
Would you like some? - No, I think we're-we're good here.
- No, no, no, no.
Drink the champagne, Charlie.
Enjoy.
Oh, that's (laughs) Well, I-I don't usually drink champagne this early in the day.
Yeah.
More of a whiskey in the morning kind of gal? (laughs) Charlie.
You're funny.
Really? Well this is wildly inappropriate for a therapy session, but would you like to clink with your shrink? - (laughs) - You like lasers? - I do.
- (gasps) (both laugh) Sid, we need to talk.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Yeah, I've been trying to keep a low profile.
My show kind of blew up.
Allison said tens of people watched.
So you think you got fans now, after one show? Mr.
Delacroix, will you sign an autograph for my friend? Sure.
What's your friend's name, Dudley? Uh uh, Dudley? So I assume you're gonna want my autograph, too? This is awkward.
I can't believe you betrayed me like that.
When I walked out of that door, you should've been right behind me.
Well, I would've, but there's one problem, Hank.
I'm a friggin' newsman.
In three, two, one.
Hello, Shady Meadows! (upbeat music playing) You guys mind if I pop on the old boob tube? - I never miss Sid's show.
- MARGARET: No, wait, wait.
MARGARET: Dudley.
Dudley, turn off the TV.
Turn People are trying to fall in love over here.
HANK: We're not done, Sid.
Hank, we are on the air.
Yeah, well, the only reason why you're on the air is 'cause you stole my show.
I deserve that chair and all of the respect that comes with it.
You could've had that respect, Hank.
All you had to do was share it with me.
But no, you have to always be the center of attention.
Here's a newsflash: you sucked.
You were a flipping disaster.
Oh, yeah? Well, Charlie was a disaster, too, but Margaret didn't give up on him.
You know why? 'Cause she's a good friend.
Oh, you really want to use Margaret as an example? She's having Charlie pretend to have a dead wife so he can bang a grief counselor! Sidney.
Hanklin.
About our fight yesterday I'm listening.
Although I hate to admit it, perhaps I did have the tiniest case of stage fright.
But you were better than me on camera.
Well, thank you.
That's very big of you to say.
I think I probably did so well because I drank so much water.
I learned that from you.
You really mean that? Yes, I-I do.
Charlie.
- You're wearing your hat.
- Yeah.
So, I guess you're not, uh, courting Kathleen anymore? Did Sid and I screw that up for you? Yeah.
But I'm just as much to blame.
Kathleen, what are you doing here? Well, I told her this was all my idea, and that you never would've lied if it wasn't for me.
He's-he's a real sweetheart.
KATHLEEN: I know he is.
I had a feeling you were talking about your dog in group, but I didn't want to say anything in case you really did have a dead wife named Buttons.
My daddy's name was Marmaduke.
Well, the truth is, I really like you.
- (chuckles) - And I'm sorry I lied, and I'm just, I'm just not good at this dating thing.
(laughs): Oh, I'm terrible at it.
That's why I started this grief group, hoping to meet single guys.
Wow! This is great.
You are both super weird.
(laughs) You're gonna have a lot to talk about.
Maybe you should go for a walk? That's a fantastic idea.
Okay.
I just got to grab my jacket.
No, no.
I got you.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Um, Margaret, can you hang onto this for me? Go get her, Charlie.
Thank you, Margaret.
Well, it looks like I did it, boys.
(clears throat) And it, uh, it didn't even take me a week.
This just in, breaking news, turns out Margaret isn't a crappy wingwoman after all.
Questions still remain as to why she's not helping these two primo studs - get a little action.
- (laughs) You guys are too much.
We're serious, woman.
You got to get us laid.
- Today! - Oh! Get up! Get to pimping, girl.