The Crazy Ones s01e11 Episode Script
The Intern
Hola, Lauren.
¿Como está usted? I don't speak Spanish, Simon.
Really? I thought you were Puerto Rican.
I thought she was Moroccan.
I had you for Portuguese.
I thought you were Lebanese.
- I'm from Long Island.
- Oh.
You're our diversity hire.
If anyone asks, tell them you're "other.
" Now, can you call security and get a parking pass for this new intern? - She starts tomorrow.
- You got it.
I love when we have interns.
Finally, someone else can get everyone's stupid coffees.
Oh, and when you're done with that, can you get me a macchiato from that place downstairs? Of course.
Happy to do it.
We're getting a new intern? Are you sure this is a good idea after the whole sexual harassment thing last time, with Zach? It's pretty unnerving, but I eventually dropped the charges.
She wasn't completely wrong.
You were kind of asking for it wearing those pants.
"Kelsi Lasker.
" I wonder how she got the job.
Oh, wait.
Isn't Lasker Lunch Meats one of our biggest clients? Just because someone is the daughter of an important person does not mean that they are not worthy.
- Mm.
- She gets that confidence from me.
Look, she's got a 3.
9 GPA.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, from the "Lasker School of Business.
" Very impressive.
She graduated Phi Beta Cold Cut.
Fine.
Make all the jokes that you want, but wealth and power do not automatically equal success.
- Mm.
- Okay, sure she comes from an influential family, but because of that, she has faced doubters like you two every step of the way.
Is she championing the cause of the over-privileged? Well, that's a stance a lot of people are afraid to take.
You guys have no idea what it's like.
People writing off your accomplishments as luck.
- Uh-huh.
- Lack of obstacles, making it almost impossible - to prove yourself.
- Oh.
So hard.
Fine.
I'm done standing here while you besmirch her character.
Last name "Lasker"" She has a red Mercedes, Model S550.
- Oh! - Oh! You know, a lot of people drive Mercedes.
Happens to be one of the safest cars on the road.
License plate reads "Princess.
" The last "S" is a money sign.
- Mm-hmm! - Mm-hmm! Maybe regular "princess" was taken.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh - I got it.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe we shouldn't go up at the same time.
- Oh, come on.
- Well, people might know we were together last night.
Ugh, we can't keep doing this.
Why do we keep doing this? Look, it's not our fault.
We're both you, hot, great-smelling.
They throw us up there in that terrarium they call a workplace, what do they think is going to happen? I know.
Right? We're like those pandas at the National Zoo.
Yeah young, hot pandas.
I-I can't.
I-I just think I need something more.
Yeah.
More.
- Yeah.
- I totally Not from you.
From a human capable of it.
Thank God.
Oh, my God, you had me scared there for a second.
Well, Zach, it was great running into you in the elevator.
I guess we'll see each other around the office, because that's totally normal.
So, how long have you guys been sleeping together this time? - Couple weeks.
- Mm.
I asked her for a hand with this job, she misunderstood, and I just went with it.
Well, as your boss, I have to caution you against office romances.
They can be sticky, so tread carefully.
But as a follower of your Tumblr, I say, change the names and go for it.
So, how's the new intern? Great.
She's gonna be great when she gets here.
She's a little late.
Sorry, sorry.
Total roommate drama.
- Uh, Kelsi, I'm Sydney.
We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, thanks.
Anyway, I just moved in with my friend Brooke.
Kind of regretting it.
She's such an Aries.
Ugh.
The worst.
Yeah.
We're dealing with this whole who-gets-the-bigger-room situation.
She's being so emo bratty about it.
Check out the text she sent me.
"IDK"? It means "I don't know.
" Just give it to me.
"IDK what your deal is.
I can only assume.
" That does feel attacking.
Right? "I can't even bring up the room situation without you literally jumping down my throat.
" Not the correct use of "literally"" Yeah, because she literally has rocks for brains.
Uh, no, she doesn't.
- Simon? - Mm-hmm.
The meeting with the non-alcoholic wine people is in five minutes.
So, what do you guys think I should do? I think we should table this discussion till later.
Why are you yelling at me? He's not yelling at you.
He's just saying things are a little hectic right now.
Oh, my God, you don't have to attack me.
I'm sorry.
So, how long is this internship for? - Three months.
- And Lasker is? A $30 million account.
Right.
Good.
In advertising, there's a classic theory called "The Habit Loop.
" Everyone has some habit that they're trying to break.
The trick is to replace the bad habit with one that's a little less dangerous.
Sorry.
Allergies.
Anyway, in the case of your product, non-alcoholic wine, it's an extremely easy sell.
I mean, you're literally giving people a healthy alternative to a habit they already have.
Oh, this damn pollen.
Like in the '80s, when I replaced coke with the new coke, which was just my nickname for speed, really.
Eventually I went back to classic coke, and I liked it better than ever.
I just tried your Sober-Syrah, and I have to say, this is so good, I'm gonna skip the A.
A.
meeting and go straight to coffee and a cigarette.
Normally, I have to pour my wine into a coffee mug at work, but not with your Merlot-To-Go.
It's actually just grape juice.
Gonna want to downplay that.
Excuse me Cindy, you have a call on that plugged-in phone thingy.
Ooh! You guys day-drinking? Oh, it's the fake stuff.
Never mind.
Kelsi, thank you so much.
Why don't you take a message and tell them I'll call them back.
See, this is the problem.
People just don't see the product as cool.
How could we make this hip for your generation? Do you guys really want to know what I think? Kelsi is just the intern.
Yeah, but they did ask her opinion, and she's the target demo, and I mean, come on people used to dismiss me like this.
Let's give her a chance.
Okay.
Gentlemen, Kelsi.
"IDK what your deal is.
I can only assume "" Total bitch, right? I'm sorry.
What's happening here? I found the apartment.
I should get the bigger room.
SMH.
SMH? - Shaking my head.
- Like your dad is doing.
This phone smells like marijuana.
NBD.
You haven't come over the last three nights.
Message received.
You want more.
So, here's what I'm proposing.
A weekend away.
Just the two of us.
You can invite that half-Asian friend, if you want.
As generous as that offer is, I told you, Zach, you and I are done hooking up.
You're a bad habit, and I need to stop.
Okay if that's how you feel.
Uh, if my name comes up in the ladies' room, say good things.
You know, talk about how I am with my nephew.
That was impressive.
Where'd you get that willpower from? It's that habit loop thing.
I just replaced my Zach habit with something less bad for me.
- Like what? - I've been getting together with Andrew.
Oh, not like that.
After work, we go, we have coffee, we talk.
I think that more than the sex with Zach, I was just looking for a fun guy to hang out with.
So you've been asking Andrew out for coffee? - Yeah.
It's just friends.
- Does he know that? I mean, he just broke up with Nancy.
He's kind of vulnerable right now.
I mean, he wore his sad pants four days in a row last week.
Come on.
It's Andrew.
Of course he knows it's just friends.
He's like my brother.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Lauren.
Toast.
Toast.
Toast.
Off to make the toast.
Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
So, Kelsi, you've been with us, you know, for a week now, and we wanted to have a little chat, you know, give you a little feedback.
Look, I know I've messed up a few things.
Messed up? No, no.
Growing pains, the learning curve.
- Are you enjoying your time here? - Mm Did you tell your dad you're enjoying your time here? What we're saying is, there's, you know, maybe a few small places where you could improve a little.
Mm.
Like maybe a little less texting.
And the time you went to Cancun for two days and didn't tell anyone you know, just check in.
Can everyone stop yelling at me right now? This is a normal tone of voice.
She's just shrill.
She gets that from her mother.
You know, I am dealing with a really stressful roommate situation.
Okay, and, besides, let's be honest.
Does it even matter how I do at this internship? What do you mean? I mean, I'm set no matter what.
You know what I'm saying.
Probably more than anyone.
I'm not quite sure I'm catching your drift.
Easy.
No matter what I do, I'm gonna be fine.
My daddy will just give me a job, just like yours did for you.
My dad did He did not just give me this job.
Keep telling yourself that, Cindy.
Listen to me, you little twerking moron.
Okay, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you and I are nothing alike! Okay, I earned this job, and you don't even try! Or at least, I pray to God that you aren't trying, because if this is you trying, then that is really pathetic! No, see, that was yelling.
Uh-oh.
Kelsi Kelsi, wait.
I never should have lost my temper.
Uh, we could use more emoticons on inner-office memos, just like you suggested! Oh, go to hell! Send my love to your dad! Tell that kook I'll see him on the links.
Oh, $30 million just flipped us off.
- Okay, so here's the good news.
- Uh-huh.
If Kelsi had already told her dad that I yelled at her, then he would have already - called and fired us.
- Right, so the imminent firing is the good news.
- Got it.
- So, we have to talk to her before she talks to him.
Yeah, but she's not answering her phone or her texts.
I mean, she could be anywhere.
There's no way we could possibly find her.
- Found her.
- What? Yeah, she just instagrammed from a frat party at Northwestern.
She instagrams a lot.
- Aw, here's her cat wearing a tuxedo shirt.
- SIMON: Aw.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, I'll grab my car, you grab some Mace and a cup with a lid.
We've got a fraternity party to get to.
It's at ODP, the Jewish frat.
Andrew, come along.
We may need you.
I'm not Jewish.
Really? I don't have time to rethink you.
Let's go.
Missed.
No sign of Kelsi, but I did get invited to a formal, which is kind of flattering.
You're gonna go to a formal? Of course not.
These kids are, like, babies.
Besides, I was a Tri-Delt.
We don't date below AEPi.
Say, uh, how long do you think this is gonna take? 'Cause I'm supposed to meet Lauren for coffee.
- About that - Okay.
Here it comes.
The talk.
Look, I know you and I had a moment, but this thing with Lauren it's completely blindsided me, but it seems to be moving forward kind of fast.
So, if you want to stop this rocket ship, just speak up now before it leaves the station that rocket ships that they take off from.
Launch pad? Yeah.
Just let it go.
Hey who's Molly? Someone asked if I wanted to try her.
She sounds kind of interesting.
Oh, what are we even doing here? I never should have let her get to me.
- I really screwed this up.
- No, you didn't.
Listen, the truth is, I was about to snap at that little snot myself.
It's not just Kelsi.
It's me.
I wonder if that's how people see me.
You know, a self-entitled, very pretty brat.
Oh, not at all.
You're none of those things.
Sweetheart, you're nothing like Kelsi.
You earned this job.
You have to say that.
You're my dad.
Hey, guys, uh, not to be a jerk, but this is a closed party, so They're with me.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
I-I didn't know.
Uh, Shabbatshalom, brother.
Back at you.
You know, Zach's actually the one that's Jewish.
I could have been here with Zach? Wait Kelsi.
- Oh, my God.
- Just hear us out, okay? I shouldn't have yelled at you.
We can make this right.
Look, I came here to play beer pong, not talk to a bunch of Gandalfs.
- Fine.
I got next! - What? - Listen, we just need a little face time.
- But you can't drink.
- You're sober.
- Then one of you will play.
- I'm not good at this game.
- I got the gluten thing.
- No beer.
Right.
I'll play, you drink.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
How do we do this? So I just in there and then Yep.
Go right ahead.
Yeah.
Alright.
Go right ahead.
- I'm not that thirsty.
- Okay.
Let's just try this thing.
Maybe it was just the stress of the day, you know, but either way, it was unprofessional of me to yell at you, and I'm sorry.
I really hope we can - Yes! - Oh.
Oh, you're killing me here.
Drink.
I got it, baby, I got it.
Don't worry.
Oh Yes! Oh, what? - Oh! - Damn it! People say they don't have time, but people make time.
- Oh - Oh, you're killing me.
L'chaim.
You're getting beaten by a little girl.
- Aw, how sad for you.
Oh - Oh! Yeah, bitch! Take that! Yeah! You got one! Yeah, more than that.
Mm-mm.
- One.
- Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Let's see.
Let's see how many cups you have here.
You've been owned.
There's one.
Drink! You got to drink! Drink! Okay.
Drink it.
Drink it.
Chug, chug, chug, chug.
Vina, vina, vina, vina.
Boom.
That was for you, baby.
That was for you.
I mean, junior high was just so hard for me.
Honey, blow on that for good luck, okay? Here we go.
Here we go.
Are you even trying? Oh, baby.
Hey, baby.
Oh, darn it! That's game! - Whoa! - Aw Look at those sad faces.
You just got 'grammed, bitches.
I'm gonna show this to my dad when I tell him what you did to me.
No, no, no, wait.
Before you 'gram your dad, listen, I know we don't pay interns, but maybe some sort of bonus will be appropriate, huh? Like I need the money.
That's ridic.
Money means nothing to her.
I mean, she's got that mad lunch meat money, yo.
Someone get Syd a water, please.
Listen, what can we possibly give you that you don't already have? The courage to finish a word? Mm-hmm.
Whatev.
I can't deal with you guys right now.
I have you yelling at me and my roommate blowing me up in all caps.
Roommate! That's what we can we can give you.
We can get her roommate to take the smaller room.
How? It's easy.
We're in advertising.
I mean we sell people stuff they don't want every day.
All right.
Deal.
You did it, baby.
You're a genius.
Oh, God Oy, vey! That genius just huzzed on the house treasurer.
Whoo! Sorry, Avi! Okay, people, toss 'em out.
There are no bad ideas.
If we put really small furniture in the room, it'll look bigger.
- No.
- What about coziness? Okay, what if we open on this log cabin in Illinois? Snow falling, reveal a young Abe Lincoln.
He's shivering in the big room.
There's a light in the small room.
He goes in there.
There's Walker already asleep in the bed.
He huddles around Walker, holds him tight, a sweet spoon, out of which is born, you know, civil rights.
Okay, maybe the first bad idea was me saying "no bad ideas"" That's on me.
Well, I thought it was a good idea, Andrew.
Stop.
Lauren, can I speak with you for a minute? You have to stop having coffee with Andrew.
I mean, look at him.
He's Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles over there.
Look, I know you think that this is somehow helping you get over your habit of hooking up with Zach, - but - Yeah What? It isn't completely working.
What do you mean? Well, it started out working.
The Andrew coffees filled a void.
But, you know, there's a reason people sometimes want dessert after coffee.
Well You know you make me want to Shout! Kick my heels up and Shout! Throw my hands up and Shout! Throw my head back and Shout! Come on now Don't forget to say you will Don't forget to say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Say you will Say it right now Coming up.
It's like, together, they equal one perfect guy.
The conversation with Andrew.
All the dirty stuff with Zach.
Zach and Andrew.
Zandrew that's who I've been looking for.
Zandrew? Andrach? I don't know.
You know this needs to stop before they find out.
I know.
You're right.
It's just Zandrew's so great.
Do they have to find out? Zach.
Hello.
Zandrew.
What are you guys doing here? How long do you think this was gonna go on? - Hmm? - Um You didn't think we were gonna talk? I mean, that's what I'm good at, isn't it? Talking? Yeah, we're, like, best friends.
- Really? - Thank you.
- Yeah.
You're always saying how shallow I am, but I would never sleep with two friends at the same office.
I'm not sleeping with him.
- What? - Yeah, I made that clear.
You said you've been hanging out, like, every day.
- Yeah.
- But you're hooking up, right? - No.
- Kissing? - No.
No.
- Listen, - Boob stuff? Nothing? I explained this to you.
It's more of an emotional thing - between the two of us.
- Dude, what are you doing? Guys, look, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Yeah, well, we're breaking up with you.
Yeah.
Good luck finding this again.
That is totally fair.
Can we just all go back to being friends again? I don't know.
I'm gonna need some time to get over this.
Yeah.
Me, too.
- Dude.
- What? Coffee counts.
I was engaged, I was pulled in.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna take back that best friend stuff.
Oh, great.
So I'm gonna lose you and her in the same day? You are literally driving me crazy.
Literally? That is not the correct use of "literally"" Are you an English professor? Brooke, thank you for this opportunity to tell you exactly why the small room is the place to be.
- Sydney? - Wait, me? - Mm-hmm.
- But this is really hard.
Why, pumpkin? Smaller is better? I mean, come on, everyone knows it's "bigger is better," right? - What's happening? - Wait for it.
I agree.
Bigger is better if you're over 30.
Go on.
- Simon, you're over 30, right? - Zach, I'll never tell.
Let's take a look at a few images from this old man's life.
- His car.
- Mm.
- His vacation house.
I lost that in the divorce.
The last woman he seriously dated.
I gained her in the divorce.
Older people love big things.
But us younger folks, we know that smaller is the place to be.
The iPad Mini.
The Fiat 500.
Josh Hutcherson.
Who doesn't want all these things? All right, fine.
I'm in.
- I'll take the smaller room.
- Ah - Wait, no, I want it! - Wait.
Kelsi, what are you doing? I love Josh Hutcherson.
I love smaller rooms.
This is so Sagittarius of you.
Take that back! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Break it up! Sister fights only end in tears! Hey! Hey! What is going on? - Martin! - Daddy! I just came by to take Kelsi to lunch.
What's happening here? I-I can explain.
No, I'll explain.
This internship has been the worst experience of my life.
Worse than that time that tsunami ruined my vacation because no one would stop talking about it! Slow down.
What happened? I have never been treated like this.
do this, do that.
And then, when I pointed out the obvious that she only got this job 'cause of her daddy she screamed at me! Is this true? Yes, it is.
Good.
- What? - Excuse me? You and Sydney both grew up with every advantage.
But unlike me, Simon here raised a kid who gets it.
She works hard and she's damn good at what she does, too.
I was hoping that a little time with the two of these people would rub off on you, but guess I was wrong.
You think I earned this job? You have always impressed the hell out of me, and my team.
You see, we've been telling you that this entire time.
- Yeah.
- We have.
I know, but you guys are my friends.
I mean, it means so much more coming from someone I barely know.
- I totally understand that.
- Well, no duh.
You know, it's only normal to worry about what people think about you.
I go through that all the time.
But, Dad, you're a genius.
I mean, you're a legend.
- We all want to be just like you.
- Oh, come on.
You have to say that.
You're my daughter.
You do seem pretty cool, Mr.
R.
You really think so? Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Wow.
That does feel good.
- Told you.
- Whatever.
You're still old.
Oh, Kelsi.
You look kind of sad.
Oh, what?! You just got 'grammed, sister friend.
How do I upload this? And then after they left, Zach came back and said we should have breakup sex.
But I couldn't.
What do you mean? Well, my Zach habit had become all tied up and connected with my Andrew habit.
Without having coffee with Andrew first, I wasn't in the mood to have sex with Zach.
I did it.
I broke the habit.
I don't want Zach at all now.
Very happy for you.
We're all moved by your strength.
I do feel bad about Andrew though.
He still seems a bit upset by the whole situation.
Do you think there's something I could do to make it up? Like buy him one of those single cup coffee machines? That would just be rubbing it in.
Or maybe leading him on.
I don't know.
Maybe just avoid it.
I just wish something good would happen for him.
Hey.
You're an older guy.
I'm mad at my dad.
Want to get out of here? - Yes.
- Mm.
Did I do that? Did I make that happen? Posture, posture.
Poise.
Perfection.
Ow.
C-Can you not smash my Adam's apple? Nonalcoholic wine is a bit like a nerve vibrator.
Interesting choice.
Interesting Oh, I'm so If you are trying, then that is really pathetic, and you should just go back to whatever Disney hell you came from! Now you see, that's yelling.
¿Como está usted? I don't speak Spanish, Simon.
Really? I thought you were Puerto Rican.
I thought she was Moroccan.
I had you for Portuguese.
I thought you were Lebanese.
- I'm from Long Island.
- Oh.
You're our diversity hire.
If anyone asks, tell them you're "other.
" Now, can you call security and get a parking pass for this new intern? - She starts tomorrow.
- You got it.
I love when we have interns.
Finally, someone else can get everyone's stupid coffees.
Oh, and when you're done with that, can you get me a macchiato from that place downstairs? Of course.
Happy to do it.
We're getting a new intern? Are you sure this is a good idea after the whole sexual harassment thing last time, with Zach? It's pretty unnerving, but I eventually dropped the charges.
She wasn't completely wrong.
You were kind of asking for it wearing those pants.
"Kelsi Lasker.
" I wonder how she got the job.
Oh, wait.
Isn't Lasker Lunch Meats one of our biggest clients? Just because someone is the daughter of an important person does not mean that they are not worthy.
- Mm.
- She gets that confidence from me.
Look, she's got a 3.
9 GPA.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, from the "Lasker School of Business.
" Very impressive.
She graduated Phi Beta Cold Cut.
Fine.
Make all the jokes that you want, but wealth and power do not automatically equal success.
- Mm.
- Okay, sure she comes from an influential family, but because of that, she has faced doubters like you two every step of the way.
Is she championing the cause of the over-privileged? Well, that's a stance a lot of people are afraid to take.
You guys have no idea what it's like.
People writing off your accomplishments as luck.
- Uh-huh.
- Lack of obstacles, making it almost impossible - to prove yourself.
- Oh.
So hard.
Fine.
I'm done standing here while you besmirch her character.
Last name "Lasker"" She has a red Mercedes, Model S550.
- Oh! - Oh! You know, a lot of people drive Mercedes.
Happens to be one of the safest cars on the road.
License plate reads "Princess.
" The last "S" is a money sign.
- Mm-hmm! - Mm-hmm! Maybe regular "princess" was taken.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh - I got it.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe we shouldn't go up at the same time.
- Oh, come on.
- Well, people might know we were together last night.
Ugh, we can't keep doing this.
Why do we keep doing this? Look, it's not our fault.
We're both you, hot, great-smelling.
They throw us up there in that terrarium they call a workplace, what do they think is going to happen? I know.
Right? We're like those pandas at the National Zoo.
Yeah young, hot pandas.
I-I can't.
I-I just think I need something more.
Yeah.
More.
- Yeah.
- I totally Not from you.
From a human capable of it.
Thank God.
Oh, my God, you had me scared there for a second.
Well, Zach, it was great running into you in the elevator.
I guess we'll see each other around the office, because that's totally normal.
So, how long have you guys been sleeping together this time? - Couple weeks.
- Mm.
I asked her for a hand with this job, she misunderstood, and I just went with it.
Well, as your boss, I have to caution you against office romances.
They can be sticky, so tread carefully.
But as a follower of your Tumblr, I say, change the names and go for it.
So, how's the new intern? Great.
She's gonna be great when she gets here.
She's a little late.
Sorry, sorry.
Total roommate drama.
- Uh, Kelsi, I'm Sydney.
We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, thanks.
Anyway, I just moved in with my friend Brooke.
Kind of regretting it.
She's such an Aries.
Ugh.
The worst.
Yeah.
We're dealing with this whole who-gets-the-bigger-room situation.
She's being so emo bratty about it.
Check out the text she sent me.
"IDK"? It means "I don't know.
" Just give it to me.
"IDK what your deal is.
I can only assume.
" That does feel attacking.
Right? "I can't even bring up the room situation without you literally jumping down my throat.
" Not the correct use of "literally"" Yeah, because she literally has rocks for brains.
Uh, no, she doesn't.
- Simon? - Mm-hmm.
The meeting with the non-alcoholic wine people is in five minutes.
So, what do you guys think I should do? I think we should table this discussion till later.
Why are you yelling at me? He's not yelling at you.
He's just saying things are a little hectic right now.
Oh, my God, you don't have to attack me.
I'm sorry.
So, how long is this internship for? - Three months.
- And Lasker is? A $30 million account.
Right.
Good.
In advertising, there's a classic theory called "The Habit Loop.
" Everyone has some habit that they're trying to break.
The trick is to replace the bad habit with one that's a little less dangerous.
Sorry.
Allergies.
Anyway, in the case of your product, non-alcoholic wine, it's an extremely easy sell.
I mean, you're literally giving people a healthy alternative to a habit they already have.
Oh, this damn pollen.
Like in the '80s, when I replaced coke with the new coke, which was just my nickname for speed, really.
Eventually I went back to classic coke, and I liked it better than ever.
I just tried your Sober-Syrah, and I have to say, this is so good, I'm gonna skip the A.
A.
meeting and go straight to coffee and a cigarette.
Normally, I have to pour my wine into a coffee mug at work, but not with your Merlot-To-Go.
It's actually just grape juice.
Gonna want to downplay that.
Excuse me Cindy, you have a call on that plugged-in phone thingy.
Ooh! You guys day-drinking? Oh, it's the fake stuff.
Never mind.
Kelsi, thank you so much.
Why don't you take a message and tell them I'll call them back.
See, this is the problem.
People just don't see the product as cool.
How could we make this hip for your generation? Do you guys really want to know what I think? Kelsi is just the intern.
Yeah, but they did ask her opinion, and she's the target demo, and I mean, come on people used to dismiss me like this.
Let's give her a chance.
Okay.
Gentlemen, Kelsi.
"IDK what your deal is.
I can only assume "" Total bitch, right? I'm sorry.
What's happening here? I found the apartment.
I should get the bigger room.
SMH.
SMH? - Shaking my head.
- Like your dad is doing.
This phone smells like marijuana.
NBD.
You haven't come over the last three nights.
Message received.
You want more.
So, here's what I'm proposing.
A weekend away.
Just the two of us.
You can invite that half-Asian friend, if you want.
As generous as that offer is, I told you, Zach, you and I are done hooking up.
You're a bad habit, and I need to stop.
Okay if that's how you feel.
Uh, if my name comes up in the ladies' room, say good things.
You know, talk about how I am with my nephew.
That was impressive.
Where'd you get that willpower from? It's that habit loop thing.
I just replaced my Zach habit with something less bad for me.
- Like what? - I've been getting together with Andrew.
Oh, not like that.
After work, we go, we have coffee, we talk.
I think that more than the sex with Zach, I was just looking for a fun guy to hang out with.
So you've been asking Andrew out for coffee? - Yeah.
It's just friends.
- Does he know that? I mean, he just broke up with Nancy.
He's kind of vulnerable right now.
I mean, he wore his sad pants four days in a row last week.
Come on.
It's Andrew.
Of course he knows it's just friends.
He's like my brother.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Lauren.
Toast.
Toast.
Toast.
Off to make the toast.
Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
So, Kelsi, you've been with us, you know, for a week now, and we wanted to have a little chat, you know, give you a little feedback.
Look, I know I've messed up a few things.
Messed up? No, no.
Growing pains, the learning curve.
- Are you enjoying your time here? - Mm Did you tell your dad you're enjoying your time here? What we're saying is, there's, you know, maybe a few small places where you could improve a little.
Mm.
Like maybe a little less texting.
And the time you went to Cancun for two days and didn't tell anyone you know, just check in.
Can everyone stop yelling at me right now? This is a normal tone of voice.
She's just shrill.
She gets that from her mother.
You know, I am dealing with a really stressful roommate situation.
Okay, and, besides, let's be honest.
Does it even matter how I do at this internship? What do you mean? I mean, I'm set no matter what.
You know what I'm saying.
Probably more than anyone.
I'm not quite sure I'm catching your drift.
Easy.
No matter what I do, I'm gonna be fine.
My daddy will just give me a job, just like yours did for you.
My dad did He did not just give me this job.
Keep telling yourself that, Cindy.
Listen to me, you little twerking moron.
Okay, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you and I are nothing alike! Okay, I earned this job, and you don't even try! Or at least, I pray to God that you aren't trying, because if this is you trying, then that is really pathetic! No, see, that was yelling.
Uh-oh.
Kelsi Kelsi, wait.
I never should have lost my temper.
Uh, we could use more emoticons on inner-office memos, just like you suggested! Oh, go to hell! Send my love to your dad! Tell that kook I'll see him on the links.
Oh, $30 million just flipped us off.
- Okay, so here's the good news.
- Uh-huh.
If Kelsi had already told her dad that I yelled at her, then he would have already - called and fired us.
- Right, so the imminent firing is the good news.
- Got it.
- So, we have to talk to her before she talks to him.
Yeah, but she's not answering her phone or her texts.
I mean, she could be anywhere.
There's no way we could possibly find her.
- Found her.
- What? Yeah, she just instagrammed from a frat party at Northwestern.
She instagrams a lot.
- Aw, here's her cat wearing a tuxedo shirt.
- SIMON: Aw.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, I'll grab my car, you grab some Mace and a cup with a lid.
We've got a fraternity party to get to.
It's at ODP, the Jewish frat.
Andrew, come along.
We may need you.
I'm not Jewish.
Really? I don't have time to rethink you.
Let's go.
Missed.
No sign of Kelsi, but I did get invited to a formal, which is kind of flattering.
You're gonna go to a formal? Of course not.
These kids are, like, babies.
Besides, I was a Tri-Delt.
We don't date below AEPi.
Say, uh, how long do you think this is gonna take? 'Cause I'm supposed to meet Lauren for coffee.
- About that - Okay.
Here it comes.
The talk.
Look, I know you and I had a moment, but this thing with Lauren it's completely blindsided me, but it seems to be moving forward kind of fast.
So, if you want to stop this rocket ship, just speak up now before it leaves the station that rocket ships that they take off from.
Launch pad? Yeah.
Just let it go.
Hey who's Molly? Someone asked if I wanted to try her.
She sounds kind of interesting.
Oh, what are we even doing here? I never should have let her get to me.
- I really screwed this up.
- No, you didn't.
Listen, the truth is, I was about to snap at that little snot myself.
It's not just Kelsi.
It's me.
I wonder if that's how people see me.
You know, a self-entitled, very pretty brat.
Oh, not at all.
You're none of those things.
Sweetheart, you're nothing like Kelsi.
You earned this job.
You have to say that.
You're my dad.
Hey, guys, uh, not to be a jerk, but this is a closed party, so They're with me.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
I-I didn't know.
Uh, Shabbatshalom, brother.
Back at you.
You know, Zach's actually the one that's Jewish.
I could have been here with Zach? Wait Kelsi.
- Oh, my God.
- Just hear us out, okay? I shouldn't have yelled at you.
We can make this right.
Look, I came here to play beer pong, not talk to a bunch of Gandalfs.
- Fine.
I got next! - What? - Listen, we just need a little face time.
- But you can't drink.
- You're sober.
- Then one of you will play.
- I'm not good at this game.
- I got the gluten thing.
- No beer.
Right.
I'll play, you drink.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
How do we do this? So I just in there and then Yep.
Go right ahead.
Yeah.
Alright.
Go right ahead.
- I'm not that thirsty.
- Okay.
Let's just try this thing.
Maybe it was just the stress of the day, you know, but either way, it was unprofessional of me to yell at you, and I'm sorry.
I really hope we can - Yes! - Oh.
Oh, you're killing me here.
Drink.
I got it, baby, I got it.
Don't worry.
Oh Yes! Oh, what? - Oh! - Damn it! People say they don't have time, but people make time.
- Oh - Oh, you're killing me.
L'chaim.
You're getting beaten by a little girl.
- Aw, how sad for you.
Oh - Oh! Yeah, bitch! Take that! Yeah! You got one! Yeah, more than that.
Mm-mm.
- One.
- Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Let's see.
Let's see how many cups you have here.
You've been owned.
There's one.
Drink! You got to drink! Drink! Okay.
Drink it.
Drink it.
Chug, chug, chug, chug.
Vina, vina, vina, vina.
Boom.
That was for you, baby.
That was for you.
I mean, junior high was just so hard for me.
Honey, blow on that for good luck, okay? Here we go.
Here we go.
Are you even trying? Oh, baby.
Hey, baby.
Oh, darn it! That's game! - Whoa! - Aw Look at those sad faces.
You just got 'grammed, bitches.
I'm gonna show this to my dad when I tell him what you did to me.
No, no, no, wait.
Before you 'gram your dad, listen, I know we don't pay interns, but maybe some sort of bonus will be appropriate, huh? Like I need the money.
That's ridic.
Money means nothing to her.
I mean, she's got that mad lunch meat money, yo.
Someone get Syd a water, please.
Listen, what can we possibly give you that you don't already have? The courage to finish a word? Mm-hmm.
Whatev.
I can't deal with you guys right now.
I have you yelling at me and my roommate blowing me up in all caps.
Roommate! That's what we can we can give you.
We can get her roommate to take the smaller room.
How? It's easy.
We're in advertising.
I mean we sell people stuff they don't want every day.
All right.
Deal.
You did it, baby.
You're a genius.
Oh, God Oy, vey! That genius just huzzed on the house treasurer.
Whoo! Sorry, Avi! Okay, people, toss 'em out.
There are no bad ideas.
If we put really small furniture in the room, it'll look bigger.
- No.
- What about coziness? Okay, what if we open on this log cabin in Illinois? Snow falling, reveal a young Abe Lincoln.
He's shivering in the big room.
There's a light in the small room.
He goes in there.
There's Walker already asleep in the bed.
He huddles around Walker, holds him tight, a sweet spoon, out of which is born, you know, civil rights.
Okay, maybe the first bad idea was me saying "no bad ideas"" That's on me.
Well, I thought it was a good idea, Andrew.
Stop.
Lauren, can I speak with you for a minute? You have to stop having coffee with Andrew.
I mean, look at him.
He's Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles over there.
Look, I know you think that this is somehow helping you get over your habit of hooking up with Zach, - but - Yeah What? It isn't completely working.
What do you mean? Well, it started out working.
The Andrew coffees filled a void.
But, you know, there's a reason people sometimes want dessert after coffee.
Well You know you make me want to Shout! Kick my heels up and Shout! Throw my hands up and Shout! Throw my head back and Shout! Come on now Don't forget to say you will Don't forget to say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Say you will Say it right now Coming up.
It's like, together, they equal one perfect guy.
The conversation with Andrew.
All the dirty stuff with Zach.
Zach and Andrew.
Zandrew that's who I've been looking for.
Zandrew? Andrach? I don't know.
You know this needs to stop before they find out.
I know.
You're right.
It's just Zandrew's so great.
Do they have to find out? Zach.
Hello.
Zandrew.
What are you guys doing here? How long do you think this was gonna go on? - Hmm? - Um You didn't think we were gonna talk? I mean, that's what I'm good at, isn't it? Talking? Yeah, we're, like, best friends.
- Really? - Thank you.
- Yeah.
You're always saying how shallow I am, but I would never sleep with two friends at the same office.
I'm not sleeping with him.
- What? - Yeah, I made that clear.
You said you've been hanging out, like, every day.
- Yeah.
- But you're hooking up, right? - No.
- Kissing? - No.
No.
- Listen, - Boob stuff? Nothing? I explained this to you.
It's more of an emotional thing - between the two of us.
- Dude, what are you doing? Guys, look, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Yeah, well, we're breaking up with you.
Yeah.
Good luck finding this again.
That is totally fair.
Can we just all go back to being friends again? I don't know.
I'm gonna need some time to get over this.
Yeah.
Me, too.
- Dude.
- What? Coffee counts.
I was engaged, I was pulled in.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna take back that best friend stuff.
Oh, great.
So I'm gonna lose you and her in the same day? You are literally driving me crazy.
Literally? That is not the correct use of "literally"" Are you an English professor? Brooke, thank you for this opportunity to tell you exactly why the small room is the place to be.
- Sydney? - Wait, me? - Mm-hmm.
- But this is really hard.
Why, pumpkin? Smaller is better? I mean, come on, everyone knows it's "bigger is better," right? - What's happening? - Wait for it.
I agree.
Bigger is better if you're over 30.
Go on.
- Simon, you're over 30, right? - Zach, I'll never tell.
Let's take a look at a few images from this old man's life.
- His car.
- Mm.
- His vacation house.
I lost that in the divorce.
The last woman he seriously dated.
I gained her in the divorce.
Older people love big things.
But us younger folks, we know that smaller is the place to be.
The iPad Mini.
The Fiat 500.
Josh Hutcherson.
Who doesn't want all these things? All right, fine.
I'm in.
- I'll take the smaller room.
- Ah - Wait, no, I want it! - Wait.
Kelsi, what are you doing? I love Josh Hutcherson.
I love smaller rooms.
This is so Sagittarius of you.
Take that back! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Break it up! Sister fights only end in tears! Hey! Hey! What is going on? - Martin! - Daddy! I just came by to take Kelsi to lunch.
What's happening here? I-I can explain.
No, I'll explain.
This internship has been the worst experience of my life.
Worse than that time that tsunami ruined my vacation because no one would stop talking about it! Slow down.
What happened? I have never been treated like this.
do this, do that.
And then, when I pointed out the obvious that she only got this job 'cause of her daddy she screamed at me! Is this true? Yes, it is.
Good.
- What? - Excuse me? You and Sydney both grew up with every advantage.
But unlike me, Simon here raised a kid who gets it.
She works hard and she's damn good at what she does, too.
I was hoping that a little time with the two of these people would rub off on you, but guess I was wrong.
You think I earned this job? You have always impressed the hell out of me, and my team.
You see, we've been telling you that this entire time.
- Yeah.
- We have.
I know, but you guys are my friends.
I mean, it means so much more coming from someone I barely know.
- I totally understand that.
- Well, no duh.
You know, it's only normal to worry about what people think about you.
I go through that all the time.
But, Dad, you're a genius.
I mean, you're a legend.
- We all want to be just like you.
- Oh, come on.
You have to say that.
You're my daughter.
You do seem pretty cool, Mr.
R.
You really think so? Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Wow.
That does feel good.
- Told you.
- Whatever.
You're still old.
Oh, Kelsi.
You look kind of sad.
Oh, what?! You just got 'grammed, sister friend.
How do I upload this? And then after they left, Zach came back and said we should have breakup sex.
But I couldn't.
What do you mean? Well, my Zach habit had become all tied up and connected with my Andrew habit.
Without having coffee with Andrew first, I wasn't in the mood to have sex with Zach.
I did it.
I broke the habit.
I don't want Zach at all now.
Very happy for you.
We're all moved by your strength.
I do feel bad about Andrew though.
He still seems a bit upset by the whole situation.
Do you think there's something I could do to make it up? Like buy him one of those single cup coffee machines? That would just be rubbing it in.
Or maybe leading him on.
I don't know.
Maybe just avoid it.
I just wish something good would happen for him.
Hey.
You're an older guy.
I'm mad at my dad.
Want to get out of here? - Yes.
- Mm.
Did I do that? Did I make that happen? Posture, posture.
Poise.
Perfection.
Ow.
C-Can you not smash my Adam's apple? Nonalcoholic wine is a bit like a nerve vibrator.
Interesting choice.
Interesting Oh, I'm so If you are trying, then that is really pathetic, and you should just go back to whatever Disney hell you came from! Now you see, that's yelling.