The Critic s01e11 Episode Script
A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera
1 Hello? - Hoo-ha! - Jay, it's Al Pacino.
Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying "hoo-ha!" Keep that in mind when you review my next film, the godfather part hoo-ha.
Hoo-ha.
It stinks! Our last film features Anthony Hopkins and Jodie foster reprising their roles from silence of the lambs in honey, I ate the kids.
Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky, and Alex? I haven't seen them since lunch.
We had fava beans and a nice chianti.
Did you eat the kids again? Clarice, you don't look so well.
Let me take your temperature.
That's a meat thermometer.
So it is, Clarice.
This movie is awful, and so is its inappropriate commercial tie-in with taco hut.
That's all for now.
Don't miss next week's show: Child stars I've accidentally sat on.
Good night.
Listen, spanky, we need to talk.
Oh, can it wait? I'm late for my son's field day at school.
It's your ratings.
Take a gander at what's winning your time slot.
People watch this? They don't just watch it.
They send it money.
Hello, this is principal mangosuthu.
Welcome to the u.
N.
School's field day.
We have children from over 40 countries, including easter island.
Dad! You made it! Hey, I wouldn't miss it for the world, son.
You know, this reminds me of my own field day.
- All right, girls.
- Time for the 100-yard dash.
Those girls later became the gay women's olympic relay team.
Ardeth! How's my favorite ex-wife? The judge said every time you talk to me it costs you $100.
Fine.
Here's $200.
Get bent.
And now an exhibition of paquito ball, the national sport of San montalban.
Isn't this kind of a silly game? The ball won't fit through the goal! That is ok.
Our island is just a haven for a reclusive American actor.
Push, boys.
Push! Whoa! Your son has trouble, eh, Mr.
sherman? Vlada! What are you doing here? My boy, zoltan, also attends this school.
Hello, Mr.
sherman.
Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht.
Now in the shot put, Marty sherman versus Bulgaria's Olga testosterov.
Hey, Olga, your mother called.
She said, "moo!" Oh! SkullCracked, brainsLeaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy chase movie.
Our next event is the long jump.
I'm afraid you've actually gone back a few feet.
You would have been better off just standing there! I'm the only one without a medal.
Don't feel bad, son.
I never won anything, either.
Oh, yeah? Didn't you win biggest breasts in that wet t-shirt contest? Yes, and I'm still a hero to the boys of the u.
S.
S.
Nimitz.
This concludes the u.
N.
School field day.
Like the real u.
N.
, there was a lot of heated gibberish, but nothing was accomplished, and we send the bill to Uncle Sam.
And now, this year's booby prize goes, with a massive dose of pity, to Martin sherman.
Come on, son.
I'm no good at anything, dad, and field day just proved it.
Son, I've had more than my share of failures, but I've learned to just forget about them and move on.
For example, I've completely erased puberty, the agony of my first public shower, and my apocalyptic honeymoon night.
It's coming back! Ooh! A waterbed! Was it as good for you, baby? Look, dad, thanks for trying to help, but I'm a loser, and that's it.
So, you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at.
In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots.
And in my case, it's writing books, songs, playing the piano, hosting t.
V.
Shows Steve Allen! Designing office furniture, mediating border disputes, playing bass for metallica, and communicating with porpoises.
Your dad's right, Marty.
You can read all about it in my book, Steve Allen's advice to Marty.
Thanks, Mr.
Allen, but no time, Marty, my shift's over, and I feel an operetta coming on.
Coming up next, I'll be reviewing Disney's biggest dud to date, the maggot king.
And cut! Listen here, huggy bear, you seen this week's them magazine? Wow! George.
S.
Kaufman, eat your moss hart out! Did you understand that? No, but his fly's open.
Well, we're back, and folks, this magazine says Jay's the wittiest man alive, so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: Watch Jay for a month, you don't laugh, i pay you $100.
Get crackin', wit boy! Uh Uh Somebody pull my finger.
This doctor's done wonders for me, Marty.
Maybe he can cheer you up.
So what you're saying, Marty, is Jay's advice only saddens you more? I know he means well, but dad won't admit I have any problems at all.
I'm just afraid I'm going to fail as a father just like I did as a husband, and a son, and a Navy seal, and an American gladiator.
You sound like you need a vacation.
May I suggest a Russian pacific seaport, 11 letters? Vladivostok? Thank you! Wait a minute, are you doing a crossword puzzle? Yes, I am.
How do you feel about that? Irritated and outraged! Thank you and thank you again! All right.
No one's laughin' at you.
We still have 2 weeks before I owe everybody in America $100.
Son, I want you to go on the air with this.
Shove it! Shove it! Kiss off! Kiss off! You smell! "You smell"? I never see it comin'.
I'm not goin' on the air with that thing! All right.
I'll give the box its own sitcom.
It's called shove it! Kiss off! You smell! But we've still got to find some way to make you funny.
Welcome to coming attractions.
I'm kareem Abdul-jabbar, and this is little knothead.
This is so demeaning.
I have a phd in film! Ok, Dr.
knothead, why don't you sing John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt while I drink a glass of water? John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt that's my name, too I spit in the water.
Knothead! Didn't we used to have a knothead doll? That was our son.
Son, this judo class will give you self-confidence and make you physically fit.
And besides, for every class you take, I get a free cookie puss ice cream cake! Judo teaches us size is nothing next to cunning.
All right! Ah, Marty.
Your opponent will be satoshi, the eater of souls.
Who has disturbed my 1,000-year sleep? I want to go home.
Cookie puss, I will eat your soul! Son, I've got it.
We'll buy new clothes and change our images.
so bloated it hurts ow! Hey, dad, look at this! Ew, gross! Look at his stomach! Let us flee to hohokus and weehawken: The twin jewels in Jersey's crown.
What did you want to show me, son? Nothin'.
Look, Marty, this mall has so many stores.
There must be something here to cheer you up.
big girls don't cry big girls don't cry ay-ay-ay they don't cry how about a guitar, Marty? Would you like that? I don't know, dad.
It's perfect.
Musicians don't have to be handsome, and do they get beautiful women? Let me just say 2 words to you: Lyle lovett.
I thought he was handsome.
No, you're thinking of jon lovitz, and I agree.
With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.
Knock off that racket or I'll call the cops! His teacher says he's supposed to practice.
I am his teacher! Millions of unamused viewers are demanding that Duke Phillips pay them $100 in what's become known as "the jayola scandal.
" I'm sorry.
I just don't find Mr.
sherman's antics amusing.
And this Jay sherman roach spray just makes the roaches look like Jay sherman.
He's not funny, but, uh, what he does for those sick kids is God's work.
You're thinking of Jerry Lewis.
Who are you, the amazing kresge? Uh, Kreskin.
Oh, boy, you're good.
So unscrupulous media giant Duke Phillips now owes the public hundreds of millions of dollars.
Perhaps this will finally excise this cancerous tumor, Duke Phillips, from the American media scene.
Jack Peters, Phillips network news.
Hey, idiot! You're fired! I'm off like a prom dress.
Mr.
Phillips, I'm handling all 3 million prize claims in one class action suit.
Pull up a hot poker and sit down.
You're refusing to pay the prize money you publicly offered.
Isn't that just a tad disingenuous? I don't believe you've met my lawyer.
Tad disingenuous, attorney-at-law.
Perhaps you'd like to see all the people who are filing a claim.
Sherman sucks! Where's our bucks? Sherman sucks! Where's our bucks? Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh? Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
No, Franklin, that was the road runner.
No, that was me.
It had to be a guitar, didn't it, Jay? It couldn't be painting or macrame.
Look, not everybody shares my love of the knotted art.
Besides, Marty's happy playing the guitar.
Hey, dad, I'm going to play my guitar in the school talent show.
Nobody's gonna laugh at me this time.
Oh, my God! What have I done? You're just as bad a father as you were a lover.
Now it's time for the legendary sherman wit to tear her to ribbons.
Please like me.
We're here at Manhattan county courthouse for the case of the unfunniest man on television.
No, not Richard Lewis, but that's a good guess.
We're talking about Jay sherman.
Didn't I fire you, son? Yes, sir.
Who you workin' for now? Nobody.
Ahem.
Due to the huge number of plaintiffs in this case, I've decided to house the overflow in the fabulous meadowlands sports complex in secaucus, New Jersey.
we want damages, too shut up.
Why, hello, judge.
Didn't I appoint you? No, you appointed Mr.
potato head, but the voters recalled him.
Your honor, I was hypnotized.
Did you offer to pay $100 to whomever didn't laugh at Jay sherman? You don't have to answer that question.
I'll answer the question.
Don't answer that question.
Damn it, I'm going to answer the question.
Yes, I sold the mustard gas to gaddafi.
Sir, this is the Jay sherman trial.
I mean Old mustard gives me gas, as does Taffy.
I have the same trouble with fresh fruit.
Mr.
sherman, approach the bench.
We're dead.
Mr.
sherman? Were those your pants? Your honor, this trial has been such a strain.
If you could just walk a mile in my pants.
Mr.
sherman, I could walk a mile inside your pants.
That's it! I will not be ridiculed anymore.
Well, Mr.
sherman, it appears you do make people laugh.
Case dismissed.
Uh Jay, your butt saved my butt.
And I hope that's the only interaction they'll ever have.
Are you sure you're prepared, Marty? Sure I am.
I know yankee doodle by heart.
Uh.
All performers backstage, please.
He's going to embarrass himself in front of his friends, and it's all your fault.
Good evening and welcome to the u.
N.
School's annual talent show.
One brief announcement: All students from Chad, your country has just changed its name to Dr.
def because the chicks seem to dig it.
Now, first up is Iraqi impressionist, tariq El-gamal.
Thank you.
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Tony Curtis spoke honestly about U.
S.
policy in the mideast? I think it might go something like this: - What do you think? - We're trying to take over.
We're the great Satan.
What do you think, Johnny Carson? Uh, may a constipated camel lay a ca-ca in your couscous.
And now the boy who used to be a girl oops! That used to be a secret, zoltan viromirovich! Hello, I would like to dance and sing my country's national anthem.
You don't understand.
He's singing of all the people who died in the earthquake, fire, and famine of 1805.
No pressure, Marty, but the pope and Nelson mandela are in the audience, and they came to party.
We're down to just 2 more acts.
First, from Mexico, the guitar stylings of senorita Andrea Hernandez.
Yankee doodle? Hotchie motchie! Well, so what? I can play it better than her.
And now, the boy who puts the "hog" in haagen dazs Marty sherman.
This is the only other thing I know how to do.
You know, my butt can deal Blackjack, but this is Marty's night.
We've raised a great kid.
Care to try for two? See if you're still in the mood after I mace you.
I always have been.
Before I begin my concert, i would like to honor my father.
From him I learned not to give up, that you'll find you're the best at something.
And today, I'm the world's greatest stomach virtuoso, and he's the world's fattest man.
That's my boy.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
Shh!
Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying "hoo-ha!" Keep that in mind when you review my next film, the godfather part hoo-ha.
Hoo-ha.
It stinks! Our last film features Anthony Hopkins and Jodie foster reprising their roles from silence of the lambs in honey, I ate the kids.
Sweetheart, have you seen Timmy, Becky, and Alex? I haven't seen them since lunch.
We had fava beans and a nice chianti.
Did you eat the kids again? Clarice, you don't look so well.
Let me take your temperature.
That's a meat thermometer.
So it is, Clarice.
This movie is awful, and so is its inappropriate commercial tie-in with taco hut.
That's all for now.
Don't miss next week's show: Child stars I've accidentally sat on.
Good night.
Listen, spanky, we need to talk.
Oh, can it wait? I'm late for my son's field day at school.
It's your ratings.
Take a gander at what's winning your time slot.
People watch this? They don't just watch it.
They send it money.
Hello, this is principal mangosuthu.
Welcome to the u.
N.
School's field day.
We have children from over 40 countries, including easter island.
Dad! You made it! Hey, I wouldn't miss it for the world, son.
You know, this reminds me of my own field day.
- All right, girls.
- Time for the 100-yard dash.
Those girls later became the gay women's olympic relay team.
Ardeth! How's my favorite ex-wife? The judge said every time you talk to me it costs you $100.
Fine.
Here's $200.
Get bent.
And now an exhibition of paquito ball, the national sport of San montalban.
Isn't this kind of a silly game? The ball won't fit through the goal! That is ok.
Our island is just a haven for a reclusive American actor.
Push, boys.
Push! Whoa! Your son has trouble, eh, Mr.
sherman? Vlada! What are you doing here? My boy, zoltan, also attends this school.
Hello, Mr.
sherman.
Thanks to your appetite, we bought a yacht.
Now in the shot put, Marty sherman versus Bulgaria's Olga testosterov.
Hey, Olga, your mother called.
She said, "moo!" Oh! SkullCracked, brainsLeaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy chase movie.
Our next event is the long jump.
I'm afraid you've actually gone back a few feet.
You would have been better off just standing there! I'm the only one without a medal.
Don't feel bad, son.
I never won anything, either.
Oh, yeah? Didn't you win biggest breasts in that wet t-shirt contest? Yes, and I'm still a hero to the boys of the u.
S.
S.
Nimitz.
This concludes the u.
N.
School field day.
Like the real u.
N.
, there was a lot of heated gibberish, but nothing was accomplished, and we send the bill to Uncle Sam.
And now, this year's booby prize goes, with a massive dose of pity, to Martin sherman.
Come on, son.
I'm no good at anything, dad, and field day just proved it.
Son, I've had more than my share of failures, but I've learned to just forget about them and move on.
For example, I've completely erased puberty, the agony of my first public shower, and my apocalyptic honeymoon night.
It's coming back! Ooh! A waterbed! Was it as good for you, baby? Look, dad, thanks for trying to help, but I'm a loser, and that's it.
So, you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at.
In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots.
And in my case, it's writing books, songs, playing the piano, hosting t.
V.
Shows Steve Allen! Designing office furniture, mediating border disputes, playing bass for metallica, and communicating with porpoises.
Your dad's right, Marty.
You can read all about it in my book, Steve Allen's advice to Marty.
Thanks, Mr.
Allen, but no time, Marty, my shift's over, and I feel an operetta coming on.
Coming up next, I'll be reviewing Disney's biggest dud to date, the maggot king.
And cut! Listen here, huggy bear, you seen this week's them magazine? Wow! George.
S.
Kaufman, eat your moss hart out! Did you understand that? No, but his fly's open.
Well, we're back, and folks, this magazine says Jay's the wittiest man alive, so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: Watch Jay for a month, you don't laugh, i pay you $100.
Get crackin', wit boy! Uh Uh Somebody pull my finger.
This doctor's done wonders for me, Marty.
Maybe he can cheer you up.
So what you're saying, Marty, is Jay's advice only saddens you more? I know he means well, but dad won't admit I have any problems at all.
I'm just afraid I'm going to fail as a father just like I did as a husband, and a son, and a Navy seal, and an American gladiator.
You sound like you need a vacation.
May I suggest a Russian pacific seaport, 11 letters? Vladivostok? Thank you! Wait a minute, are you doing a crossword puzzle? Yes, I am.
How do you feel about that? Irritated and outraged! Thank you and thank you again! All right.
No one's laughin' at you.
We still have 2 weeks before I owe everybody in America $100.
Son, I want you to go on the air with this.
Shove it! Shove it! Kiss off! Kiss off! You smell! "You smell"? I never see it comin'.
I'm not goin' on the air with that thing! All right.
I'll give the box its own sitcom.
It's called shove it! Kiss off! You smell! But we've still got to find some way to make you funny.
Welcome to coming attractions.
I'm kareem Abdul-jabbar, and this is little knothead.
This is so demeaning.
I have a phd in film! Ok, Dr.
knothead, why don't you sing John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt while I drink a glass of water? John Jacob jingleheimer schmidt that's my name, too I spit in the water.
Knothead! Didn't we used to have a knothead doll? That was our son.
Son, this judo class will give you self-confidence and make you physically fit.
And besides, for every class you take, I get a free cookie puss ice cream cake! Judo teaches us size is nothing next to cunning.
All right! Ah, Marty.
Your opponent will be satoshi, the eater of souls.
Who has disturbed my 1,000-year sleep? I want to go home.
Cookie puss, I will eat your soul! Son, I've got it.
We'll buy new clothes and change our images.
so bloated it hurts ow! Hey, dad, look at this! Ew, gross! Look at his stomach! Let us flee to hohokus and weehawken: The twin jewels in Jersey's crown.
What did you want to show me, son? Nothin'.
Look, Marty, this mall has so many stores.
There must be something here to cheer you up.
big girls don't cry big girls don't cry ay-ay-ay they don't cry how about a guitar, Marty? Would you like that? I don't know, dad.
It's perfect.
Musicians don't have to be handsome, and do they get beautiful women? Let me just say 2 words to you: Lyle lovett.
I thought he was handsome.
No, you're thinking of jon lovitz, and I agree.
With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.
Knock off that racket or I'll call the cops! His teacher says he's supposed to practice.
I am his teacher! Millions of unamused viewers are demanding that Duke Phillips pay them $100 in what's become known as "the jayola scandal.
" I'm sorry.
I just don't find Mr.
sherman's antics amusing.
And this Jay sherman roach spray just makes the roaches look like Jay sherman.
He's not funny, but, uh, what he does for those sick kids is God's work.
You're thinking of Jerry Lewis.
Who are you, the amazing kresge? Uh, Kreskin.
Oh, boy, you're good.
So unscrupulous media giant Duke Phillips now owes the public hundreds of millions of dollars.
Perhaps this will finally excise this cancerous tumor, Duke Phillips, from the American media scene.
Jack Peters, Phillips network news.
Hey, idiot! You're fired! I'm off like a prom dress.
Mr.
Phillips, I'm handling all 3 million prize claims in one class action suit.
Pull up a hot poker and sit down.
You're refusing to pay the prize money you publicly offered.
Isn't that just a tad disingenuous? I don't believe you've met my lawyer.
Tad disingenuous, attorney-at-law.
Perhaps you'd like to see all the people who are filing a claim.
Sherman sucks! Where's our bucks? Sherman sucks! Where's our bucks? Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh? Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
No, Franklin, that was the road runner.
No, that was me.
It had to be a guitar, didn't it, Jay? It couldn't be painting or macrame.
Look, not everybody shares my love of the knotted art.
Besides, Marty's happy playing the guitar.
Hey, dad, I'm going to play my guitar in the school talent show.
Nobody's gonna laugh at me this time.
Oh, my God! What have I done? You're just as bad a father as you were a lover.
Now it's time for the legendary sherman wit to tear her to ribbons.
Please like me.
We're here at Manhattan county courthouse for the case of the unfunniest man on television.
No, not Richard Lewis, but that's a good guess.
We're talking about Jay sherman.
Didn't I fire you, son? Yes, sir.
Who you workin' for now? Nobody.
Ahem.
Due to the huge number of plaintiffs in this case, I've decided to house the overflow in the fabulous meadowlands sports complex in secaucus, New Jersey.
we want damages, too shut up.
Why, hello, judge.
Didn't I appoint you? No, you appointed Mr.
potato head, but the voters recalled him.
Your honor, I was hypnotized.
Did you offer to pay $100 to whomever didn't laugh at Jay sherman? You don't have to answer that question.
I'll answer the question.
Don't answer that question.
Damn it, I'm going to answer the question.
Yes, I sold the mustard gas to gaddafi.
Sir, this is the Jay sherman trial.
I mean Old mustard gives me gas, as does Taffy.
I have the same trouble with fresh fruit.
Mr.
sherman, approach the bench.
We're dead.
Mr.
sherman? Were those your pants? Your honor, this trial has been such a strain.
If you could just walk a mile in my pants.
Mr.
sherman, I could walk a mile inside your pants.
That's it! I will not be ridiculed anymore.
Well, Mr.
sherman, it appears you do make people laugh.
Case dismissed.
Uh Jay, your butt saved my butt.
And I hope that's the only interaction they'll ever have.
Are you sure you're prepared, Marty? Sure I am.
I know yankee doodle by heart.
Uh.
All performers backstage, please.
He's going to embarrass himself in front of his friends, and it's all your fault.
Good evening and welcome to the u.
N.
School's annual talent show.
One brief announcement: All students from Chad, your country has just changed its name to Dr.
def because the chicks seem to dig it.
Now, first up is Iraqi impressionist, tariq El-gamal.
Thank you.
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Tony Curtis spoke honestly about U.
S.
policy in the mideast? I think it might go something like this: - What do you think? - We're trying to take over.
We're the great Satan.
What do you think, Johnny Carson? Uh, may a constipated camel lay a ca-ca in your couscous.
And now the boy who used to be a girl oops! That used to be a secret, zoltan viromirovich! Hello, I would like to dance and sing my country's national anthem.
You don't understand.
He's singing of all the people who died in the earthquake, fire, and famine of 1805.
No pressure, Marty, but the pope and Nelson mandela are in the audience, and they came to party.
We're down to just 2 more acts.
First, from Mexico, the guitar stylings of senorita Andrea Hernandez.
Yankee doodle? Hotchie motchie! Well, so what? I can play it better than her.
And now, the boy who puts the "hog" in haagen dazs Marty sherman.
This is the only other thing I know how to do.
You know, my butt can deal Blackjack, but this is Marty's night.
We've raised a great kid.
Care to try for two? See if you're still in the mood after I mace you.
I always have been.
Before I begin my concert, i would like to honor my father.
From him I learned not to give up, that you'll find you're the best at something.
And today, I'm the world's greatest stomach virtuoso, and he's the world's fattest man.
That's my boy.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
Shh!