The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e11 Episode Script

[instrumental music]
(Mimi)
'Goodnight, Mr. Bell.'
- Help you with your coat?
- No.
Punch out for you?
- What are you up to?
- Nothin'.
I just know
it's been a long day.
You're tired.
Anxious to go home, you know.
You know,
I have a secret way of knowing
if someone's been in my drawers.
Believe me, if anybody's
been in your drawers
they'd want it kept a secret.
If I find even one troll doll
out of place
you're gonna have ten
little plastic feet
sticking out of your butt.
Don't worry, I won't touch
one little thing on your desk.
Drew, I dropped this
but I caught it
on the first bounce.
That's okay, right?
- Did anything fall off?
- Just this.
- Uh, it doesn't look important.
- Alright.
Drew, you go through
this every year.
I really don't think
the number of computers
is what's gonna
impress your dad.
Hey, I'm not takin'
any chances.
This is the first time
my dad's seeing where I work.
Well, actually the second.
But this time I'm not talking
through a clown's head.
Sort of.
- Hey, Oswald.
- Hey.
You know, I was
on my delivery round.
I had the strangest feeling
I was supposed to do something
and I couldn't
remember what.
You're supposed to pick up
my dad at the airport.
- Oh.
- Damn it. Now I gotta drive--
Hey, what the hell did I tell
you about swearin', Drew?
Only in church
and in front of old ladies.
How you doin', dad?
Hey. Come here, Katie.
- No pinching.
- Would I?
I'm not six anymore.
Oh, look at that face..
Oh.
- Oh, oh.
- That's it.
Ay, ay.
I'll let go when you do.
- One.
- One.
- Two.
- Two.
- Three.
- Three.
[both scream]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- So how was your trip?
- It was fine.
Till I got in the truck with
this guy. He stops every block.
Hey, it's free, old man.
You kiss your gorgeous mother
with that mouth.
Well, someone's still
antsy in the pansy.
[chuckles]
It's great to see you.
How's mom?
Eh, not as fine
as Oswald's mom.
Will you stop?
I gotta make a few more stops.
You wanna ride?
Can I throw packages out
of the back of the truck
and watch the cars swerve?
- Yes, you can.
- Okay.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
I'm sorry, mom didn't get to
come up with you from Florida
for your lifetime achievement
award at the lodge.
Well, you know,
she's busy with her clubs
the women's groups.
It's Kevin McCloud at the
Burt Reynold'stheater again?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Man, it looks like a lot
of very important
business goes on here.
So this is where
you've been working
for the last seven years.
Yep, right here in front
of all these computers.
Huh.
The office sounded
bigger on the phone.
Well, you know, I used
to have a bigger phone.
Drew, I came back
for my keys and somebody..
Hi, I'm Mimi Bobeck.
Oh. George Carey,
Drew's dad.
It is my pleasure,
I assure you.
Oh, well I see where
Drew doesn't get it from.
So, Drew, I see
we have Hong Kong online.
Why don't you link us up
so we can see
what's coming down the Yangtze
River without a paddle?
I can't. Maybe
it's, uh, Chinese New Year.
It's the year of the dead
stool pigeon.
[scoffs]
Drew, you rascal, you.
I bet he was a real pistol
when he was growin' up.
Oh, he really gave his mom
and me a run for our money.
Dad, don't.
I'm sure he did some
really embarrassing things
as a little boy, huh?
You mean, like when
he discovered himself?
Yeah, just like that.
- Well.
- Oh, my God.
His mother and me are goin'
"Don't touch it
in front of company."
"Don't touch it
in the grocery store."
Hey, look, someone's coming
in through Hong Kong.
"If you can see them,
they can see you touchin' it."
- Dad. Dad.
- Anything else?
Oh, God, you can write
a-a book about this kid.
Or at least
a company newsletter.
I'll be right back.
I wanna grab a pen.
Oh, that's just great.
Why don't you just tell her how
I used to walk around
the house in high heels?
Ooh, good one!
[theme song]
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
Well, boys, playin' pool,
it's like making love.
You take your time.
You keep a steady hand.
Beware of anyone named Fats.
- Yay.
- Yes.
And the all Carey team
takes the lead.
You know, I can't believe
you didn't move this
thing inside, Drew.
The only thing stoppin' me
was your mother.
Well, she didn't want a bunch
of sloppy, drunken men
hanging around in the basement.
So what'd she get?
(all)
A bunch of sloppy, drunken men
hanging around the yard.
Boy, do I remember
that fight.
George, you're not bringing
this pool table in the house.
Well, I'm not taking it back.
Well, then,
it's staying outside.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine. Fine.
- Fine. Fine!
You could hear it all the way
down the block.
Boy, I'll never forget you,
Mr. Carey.
Playin' out in the rain
and the snow
while we sat inside watching
you drinking hot chocolate.
What was it that
Mrs. Carey used to say?
She used to say
one more bolt of lightning
and I get both sides of the bed.
Eight ball in the side pocket.
Yes.
- Boom.
- Boom.
If we're very quiet,
we can observe the bullock
and its calf in a violent
struggle for dominance.
- Hmm.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi, Mr. C.
Jay, this is Drew's dad.
Drew's dad,
this is my boyfriend, Jay.
- Hi.
- Ahem.
You're the Body Shop punk
or the carny worker?
No, I'm the mover trash.
No, he's not.
He owns his own moving company.
I'm actually dating
a stable guy.
You are stable, aren't you?
Well, that's what
the parole board said.
Boy, phew!
Hey, pizza should be done.
Who's hungry?
Me.
Uh, we're actually gonna
play one more game.
Uh, how about a game
of eight ball?
Winner gets complete control
of the other guy's life.
Wait, I already lost
that to you last week.
Well, then you have no choice.
Right.
Drew, whatever happened
to your plans
to build a deck and a Jacuzzi
out in the backyard.
Well, you know, the, the Aspen
place needed a new roof
and I kinda had my eye
on the small Pacific nation.
Son, when was the last time
you got a raise?
Well, not recently,
but many things
such as VCRs and digital watches
have gotten cheaper
so it's kind of a wash.
Besides Winfred-Louder
always comes through
with the nice Christmas gifts.
Yes, it's nice to get
something personal.
You know, last year
I got all my employees
leather jackets
with the company logo on 'em.
Hey, how about you?
Uh, something like that.
Only on a rope.
Mr. Carey, you should
know that Drew is one
of the most beloved members
of the Winfred-Louder family.
Last year, he went for $65
at the bachelor auction.
Oh, so I stuffed.
It was for a good cause.
Beloved doesn't
get you a Jacuzzi.
You want the nice things in life
you gotta have a way to get 'em.
So what's your game plan?
You don't think
I have one, do you?
Do you?
Yeah, I keep planning
on showing up to work
until somebody dies
and they bump me upstairs.
I also plan to put you up at
a hotel next time you visit.
You don't have to wait
until somebody dies
to get a better position.
You ever think
of joining the lodge?
Oh..
A lot of good
networking goes on there.
Now you know the guy that
designed the federal building.
- He was a Wildebeest?
- No.
(both)
A Wildebeest bus hit him.
Killed him.
I can kill people.
Cool, I'm joinin'.
Joinin' what?
My dad wants me
to join his lodge.
You know, Drew, I'm an Elk
and it's a great
business connection.
Yeah, you can wear
my Rudolph antlers.
We don't wear antlers.
Well, is there a rule
that one can't?
You guys really wanna join?
Sure, if your dad'll
sponsor us.
Hey, can I drive one of those
little cars in the parade?
[mimics a car]
You know, uh, maybe
I am missing something here.
I remember visiting the lodge
when I was a kid.
They had me in a blindfold.
I heard the secret
Wilder beast chant.
That was one of the best days me
and my dad ever spent together.
Yeah, good thing that
babysitter crapped out.
She didn't really crap out.
I kinda discovered myself
in front of her too.
Wow, it's just like I imagined.
Your dad was so great
to sponsor both of us, man.
And this is so like,
uh, out of the past.
You know, all men, dead animal
parts all over the walls.
It feels so primal.
I just wanna get naked and howl.
If you do that,
you're out of here.
Help yourself
to the food, boys.
No, Drew, wait a minute.
There's someone
I want you to meet.
Drew, this is Tom.
I think you might
wanna listen to him.
He may have some
good news for you.
I'll be right back.
I forgot to kiss the antlers.
- Hey, well, sit down, Drew.
- Thanks.
- Umm..
- Yeah.
Your dad may not
have mentioned it
but I'm a headhunter
for Jones & Wiley.
He tells me you're thinking
about making a change.
Well, I'm not looking, but
there's no ring on my finger
if you know what I'm saying.
Listen, I circulated your resume
to some of my best clients
and I've got three
great offers for you.
Wow, three people
biddin' for me?
- Yeah.
- I didn't even stuff this time.
Well, look,
we promised your dad.
You join this lodge
and we'll do anything
we can for you
if you know what I mean.
Hey, Drew,
this is Brother Lester.
He's in charge of admissions
for the whole lodge.
- Hey, how you doin', Drew?
- Uh..
Oh.
What are you doing?
I'm returning the secret
Wildebeest greeting.
I was adjusting my glasses.
We don't have a secret
Wildebeest greeting.
Oh.
We met Lester
over at the buffet.
He showed us how
to make a tongue sandwich
that looks like
it's really talking.
What line are you in Drew?
Uh, at the moment, I'm in
Personnel at Winfred-Louder.
- You know, downtown.
- Oh, man. Downtown.
- I don't envy you.
- Yeah, the traffic is murder.
Yeah. Not to mention
how dark it gets
at night,
if you know what I mean.
You know, this lodge uses
you know what I mean a lot.
If you know what I mean.
Well, we, we try to be
a little discreet.
Hey, did you hear the one
where the Jew
walks into the massage parlor?
Now you do know what
discreet means, right?
Why? There's nobody
at a Wildebeest meeting
that's gonna be offended.
Why not?
Well, let's just say a Jew
won't be walkin' in here.
How do you know..
How do you know
who is walkin' in here?
We've never met. For all you
know, I could be 1/16 Cherokee.
[scoffs]
Yeah, right.
- I am.
- Get out of here. You are not.
Yes, I am. My great-grandmother
was Cherokee.
So I suppose
you want me to leave now.
Look, we don't care
about 1/16 Indian.
We just trying
to maintain a membership
where we can be ourselves.
Can you just excuse us
for a second?
You believe this?
I can't join a place
that doesn't let
any blacks and Jews in.
You know, I thought I felt
a bad vibe in this place.
Yeah, me too. I thought it was
'cause I ate too much meat.
Drew.
I talked to Tom.
He really likes you.
He's gonna help you
out big time.
Listen, that's great, dad.
Can I talk to you
just for a second?
Hey, George, come on.
It's your night.
Thanks, Drew.
This is the best night
of my life.
Yeah, mine too.
Except for the time
mom forgot her glasses
and ran over the dog.
Drew, I'm doing a column
for the store newsletter
"Strange But Drew"
and I wanna get my facts,
uh, straight.
Is it true your first kiss
was with a ham?
Hey, am I looking
at a Wildebeest?
No, that's just Mimi.
She's my boss' assistant.
I can't join that lodge, man.
It's all, it's just
a bunch of bigots.
You know,
my lodge isn't like that.
You know, the Wildebeest
are a disgrace to hard drinking
male only
organizations everywhere.
So did you talk to your dad
after the lodge meeting?
Well, I tried to,
but it's kind of hard
to have a heart-to-heart talk
with your dad
when you have to strip him naked
and shove him in the shower.
Oswald's an Indian?
How come no one ever told me?
I don't know,
but all the signs were there.
He found a use for all the parts
of the buffalo after the hunt.
He had 90 different names
for snow.
You know, he-he does
shed a single tear
every time someone pollutes.
Hi, No Loin Cloth Big Enough.
Are you ready for lunch?
Drew, you wanna come with?
Nah, I can't eat.
This is driving me crazy.
I gotta come up with a plan
to show my dad
I can be a success
without the lodge.
I love you
whether you're successful
or just the way you are.
Man, it's six months
to employee review.
This sucks.
Aww.
Look, the little dog,
it's dressed like Shakespeare.
Why don't you guys go ahead?
I'm gonna make a call.
Alright. See you then.
Bye.
(Mr. Bell on phone)
'Hello.'
Mr. Bell, it's Drew Carey.
(Mr. Bell)
'What is it?'
Well, sir, I was wonderin'
if you had time to see me
in your office
for a few minutes.
'Sure, call me around
the first of the month.'
Uh, no.
I-I need to talk to you now.
'Are you high, Carey?'
No, sir, I, I want a raise.
'Sorry, Carey. No can do.'
'No won't do. No care do.'
Are you high, sir?
'Anything else, Carey?'
Look, I've worked here
for seven years.
I can't believe
I'm saying this but
if I don't get a raise,
I'm leaving.
'Alright. I'll give you
an extra $100 a month.'
Oh, my God. Thank you, sir.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe that.
Boy, I don't know
I would have done if..
How about 125?
[phone disconnects]
I didn't wanna make you nervous,
but I had to hear.
Your dad's gonna
be so proud of you.
Yeah, maybe now I can tell
him that I am the one
that stole his "Playboys"
and broke the kitchen window.
I thought that was
your brother, Neil.
Still could be.
Let's see what's worked for him.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey.
How's the VCR coming?
It was working at one,
then it broke at three.
Then it was working at four,
then it broke at six.
Now I'm just trying to figure
out why the clock still works.
Listen, I appreciate
you takin' a stab at it.
Maybe I should just take it
to someone who, you know
knows what's they're doin'.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you wanted it
screwed up by a novice.
- Here, it's fixed.
- Thanks.
So how did you wear
out the freeze frame?
Uh..
Sporting events. Ahem.
Hey, uh, I got some good news.
I got a raise.
You're kidding.
Congratulations!
See, more leverage
when you negotiate your deal
for the new job.
This calls for some ice cream.
Dad, last night you said
that the anniversary
of your bypass called
for some ice cream.
Alright. This calls for
some of your low fat cheese.
So I guess I don't have to jump
to the Wildebeest after all.
What are you talking about?
Of course, you do.
Well, you know, I'll so,
be so busy rebudgeting
and, uh, looking for,
hold on to your hat, a new car
I just won't have the time.
A new car.
What year?
I was thinking a '92.
Maybe a recalled '93.
Join the lodge.
What for?
I'm doing everything I want.
I'm moving ahead, I just
got a promotion and a raise.
And pretty soon,
I'll be runnin' that joint.
And then what?
And then
you'll complain about it.
Man, I'm never good
enough for you, huh?
Well, remember one time,
I came home with four Cs
you said
why didn't you get six Cs.
You get disappointed
when I get second degree burns.
Oh, come on.
Come on, there's nothing
wrong with a father
wanting more for his son.
You can do better.
The Wildebeest can help ya.
Yeah, maybe I can get
a job in the cloakroom
hangin' up their sheets.
What are you talkin' about?
Maybe it's a different crowd
than when you joined
but, you know, these guys..
One guy said that Mexicans
shouldn't learn English
so they wouldn't know we're
paying 'em less than blacks.
Nah, same crowd.
And that doesn't bother you?
You know, I sure
wasn't raised that way.
Of course, it bothers me
but there are idiots everywhere.
You ignore 'em
if you wanna get ahead faster.
You know what?
This isn't even about the lodge.
This is about you
being too stubborn
to take your father's advice.
Hey, you know, I like my job.
Problems and all,
I enjoy my friends.
I have a good life.
Now I'm not a kid anymore.
You get it.
So leave me alone.
You know, you'd think
you'd satisfied
to know that I'm happy.
Now, now let me tell you.
I did very well
working at a job
for 35 years that I hated.
Happy doesn't mean jack cheese.
Yeah, if you're gonna start
swearing, I'm leavin'.
You don't have to.
I will.
- What are you doin'?
- I'm playin' pool.
No, you're not.
You're gonna listen to me.
You know, I got a lot
of things from you.
My stubbornness,
my perseverance.
My low waistline.
If you think a day goes by
where I don't hear your voice
in my head telling me
to try harder, you're wrong.
And I'm not saying I don't
appreciate everything
you've done for me,
but you know, get off my ass.
Neil's the one
who stole your "Playboys"
and broke the kitchen window.
[scoffs]
You know, I said
the same thing
to my father
when I was about your age.
He beat the crap out of me.
Yeah, grandpa used
to tell me that story
before he put me to bed.
Yeah, well, your grandfather
was from the old country
he didn't know any better.
Dad, since when is Pennsylvania
the old country?
I'm sayin'
he was bitter, Drew.
He never reached
his full potential.
I don't want you to feel
like that 20 years from now.
I won't.
And if I do,
it's gonna be my own fault.
So yo..
So you're off the hook.
[sniffles]
It's 20 years,
that's all I got?
Give or take.
Ten years, you wanna leave
your wife and kids
for that hot number
with the nice muffins
behind the counter
of Dunkin' Donuts.
- But you get over that.
- Yeah.
Woman at the Dunkin' Donut
is 64 years old now.
She smokes out of her neck.
[scoffs]
It's startin' to snow.
[sniffs]
Still wanna play?
My last name Carey?
Buck a ball.
You're on.
You know, those rain gutters
look clogged.
You know, they were like that
when I bought the place
from ya.
You know, for all your talk
you didn't do one thing
for 30 years to fix this house.
Why do you think I sold it?
The place's a money pit.
Hey, don't eat in the car.
I'm only renting it for a week.
I don't want peanut shells
all over the place.
Come on, watch it.
That's genuine pleather.
Drew, can you please put
the top up? I'm freezing.
Come on, this is great. The heat
is one, the top is down.
Way to spend a raise, Drew.
I got a cold front
blowin' across my head
and a warm front brewin'
in my pants.
I'm either gonna catch pneumonia
or become a tornado.
If it will make you feel better,
I'll drive
behind this truck here,
it'll block the wind.
Drew, that's a garbage truck.
Yeah, but see it's better.
It's less windy.
Oh, man.
Don't you hate it when bits of
paper fly off a garbage truck?
Oh, it just figures.
If you're not complainin'
about the cold
you're complainin' about couple
little pieces of paper.
- Okay, come on.
- Drew, come on.
- Put it up.
- Put it up.
Alright, alright. Jeez.
- Hey, shut it all the way.
- Yeah, all the way, man.
- I can't, it's stuck.
- Oh, Drew.
Man, it's like a catcher's mitt.
Uh-oh, diapers incoming.
[all groan]
[chuckles]