The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e11 Episode Script
The Pill Rule
Fuck, I missed you.
Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! So I'm watching breakfast club for, like, the 80th time.
Suddenly it hits me.
Molly ringwald gets judd nostrils.
Emilio finally realizes that the freaky girl with the dandruff is a total hottie, so they hook up.
Who does Anthony Michael hall end up with? No one.
I mean, what the fuck kind of feel-good ending is that? So it really got me thinking.
I need a new haircut.
See, there's this girl at the office and she just gave me this look and it's the look that says "Hey, ugly bitch, 1997 just called, we want our hair rack.
" Yeah, I Fuckin' get it.
I mean Maybe I should just call that guy that I met back in Pittsburgh.
What was his name? Danny or Donnie, you know The one with acne scars but, like, kind of in a sexy way.
I could call him up and I could just say "hey, are you still interested? 'Cause "I am ready to pack the whole thing in.
" I mean, if I have to drink one more Martini out of a glass of someone else's greasy fingerprints on it.
I mean, what's the fucking point? Lizzie.
Lizzie.
Are you done? Mostly.
Why? Was I talking too much? Are you kidding? I lost you 3 songs ago.
Somewhere when you were talking about bikers who don't make Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Something about those anti-car slackers that's so self-righteous.
I mean, they think they have the right way Sam, Sam, Sam.
Shut the fuck up.
You are not making any sense.
Sorry.
Maybe I'm a little distracted.
Maybe? No, maybe it's not a good idea to go swimming in a shark tank when you're on the rag, or may be George Bush didn't get into Yale on his own merits, but, maybe you need help.
Help? For what? For your fucking state of being.
You're a fucking wreck.
You've the attention span of an ant.
Here, just Where, oh, where.
Oh, here it is.
Dr.
feelgood.
He'll set you right.
Trust me.
There's just so much crap under my couch.
I don't even know where it comes from.
Like, sometimes I'll be, like, vacuuming, which actually only happens probably, like, once a month.
But, when I actually do it, I'll just, like, look under the couch and I'll see all this stuff under there and I'll just give up.
I'll just, like, put the vacuum back where I got it and I'll just be like, "I can't do this any more "'cause I just can't deal with the stuff under the couch.
" And I can't seem to get anything done at work, either.
So, will you help me with that? Hmm? Oh, yes, I think we can.
Wait.
Is this what I think it is? It's exactly what you need.
But, I wanted something to help me focus like Deventhol or theenafax or That's not your problem, all right? Lack of focus is just a side effect.
So, what's this? You're suffering from anxiety and depression.
This will treat that.
Anyway, you should totally come and I could use the backup.
Sorry.
My new year's resolution was to stop going to breeder parties.
Not even as a favor for a friend? All right, let me try that again.
Since when did you make new year's resolutions? Since I decided to be a pure this year.
Oh, I see.
This is what Dr.
feelgood gave me.
Redonia? Looks like somebody's a little depressed.
I'm not depressed.
I wanted something to help me focus.
Maybe your lack of focus is just a side effect of something.
Oh, so now the bartender is a fucking psychologist, too.
Where's your goddamn degree? Let me guess, hidden behind the Irish whiskey? Good luck getting a libation tonight, biatch.
If we were playing a game of alienation, you'd be brilliant.
Sorry.
I'm not good.
Well, we'll fix that.
What are you doing tomorrow night? I don't know, downing a pint of ice cream and watching some cheesy chick flicks 'cause according to Dr.
feelgood, I'm depressed.
Well, maybe going to Lou's party is just the prescription you need.
You hate Lou.
I know, but drew is gonna be there and You hate drew even more than you hate Lou.
I know, but he's bringing his little girlfriend with him and I just gotta Ah, so you wanna get hammered and have a drunken confrontation.
I'm open to it.
Well, maybe you shouldn't be.
Richard's going to be there.
Oh.
Yeah.
And if you come, I'll get you the pills that you need.
The right ones.
Okay, I'm coming.
Yes! Gimme.
Ow! What the fuck! This is the number for pill pusher paddy.
She'll probably make a trade, but be cool, she's a little edgy.
Your caller id is blocked.
Who the fuck is this? My name is Sam Sam, that's an androgynous name.
Are you a man? I'm a girl, a woman.
I don't know any women named Sam.
Are you a cop? No, I'm a friend of Lizzie.
She gave me your number.
Lizzie.
Is Lizzie the bull dyke with the rattail? Lizzie the pastry chef or Lizzie the lawyer? The lawyer.
Well, why didn't you say so? I thought you were some sort of lady narc with a dude's name.
Where are you? At my apartment.
I'll be there in 15.
I didn't tell you where I live.
You think I'm a goddamn amateur? Be ready.
Hi.
How much do you pay for this place? Neighborhood's gone through the roof.
Fucking highway robbery.
Well? Uh, 1700.
Was that a question? Jesus.
There's one born every minute.
So, let me guess.
No boyfriend.
I have some prospects.
Yeah, good luck with those.
So, what do you want? I have a prescription for redonia.
I'll bet you do.
But, I'm not depressed.
What I want is something to help me focus.
Maybe your lack of focus is a side effect from the depression.
I've considered that.
Thank you, Dr.
Freud.
No need to get pissy with me.
I know more about the inner workings of the human mind than most of the shrinks in town.
Well, what I'd really like is, uh Something more like theenafax or deventhol I've got something better.
Liftenol.
It's got fewer side effects.
There won't be any weight gain.
Consider that a plus.
So, how do we You give me your prescription.
Plus, a $75 transaction fee.
Minus First time customer, 10% discount which brings us to $67.
50 which I'll round down, so This here costs you $65 even.
And My single ladies' boner bonus pill.
For whenever your gentleman caller has a problem down below this will make him harder than Chinese algebra.
I'm in.
I take cash, checks, major credit cards.
My name is paddy.
I value your business.
Bye.
Kate.
Kate.
Kate.
Kate.
Is this the herzog report? Yeah, finished this morning.
Wow.
This is really good.
It's perfect.
You don't need to review it.
And did you make sure to do the Kramer brochures? Already done.
Nora okayed them, I mailed them an hour ago.
So, I guess you're done for the day? I am now.
See you.
If I set the incline to 8% and I bump the speed to 7.
2 I can burn 60% more calories than I can on the base setting.
If you're lifting dumbbells too fast, you're just gonna add ungainly bulk.
But if it's too slow, where's the benefit? It's like trump says, "if you owe someone $1,000,000 dollars, it's a problem for you.
"But if you owe them a $100,000,000, it's a problem for them.
" You don't want to lift into a sit-up, you'll work your hip flexors but it might strain your back.
Moderation, as usual, is the key.
I don't know why they call it the windy city.
Doesn't seem that strong to me.
They should call it the breezy city.
Nah, that's gay.
Goddamn, that was a good book.
Who knew.
Sam here.
It's paddy, you called.
Listen, I need some more.
More what? Liftenol.
You only gave me 10.
How many have you taken? And I licked the inside of the bottle.
There's some chalky residue in there.
They're not candies, you know.
I'm going to a party in wicker park tonight.
Can you meet me there? There's an extra charge for accelerated delivery.
I understand.
Time is money, money is power.
I have the money and want the power.
See you tonight.
And the address? You're not an amateur, you'll figure it out.
What's your poison? Whatever you're having, only twice as much booze.
You like vodka? Mother's milk.
My name's drew.
Paddy.
Which one's your girlfriend? Let me guess.
Her.
Impressive.
How could you tell? It's the way she keeps glancing over at you, nervous.
Or maybe she's worried I'm talking to someone else.
So, double vodka tonic for you? You better take the double, you'll need it.
Your girlfriend is cheating on you.
How would you The lap touch thing.
Wait for it.
That? That means nothing.
Here comes the second touch.
She's gonna up the ante.
And the inevitable touch back.
Better you found out now.
Cheers.
Do you know who that woman was? No.
Save some for later, dude.
I'm getting drunk tonight.
College drunk.
How come? I'm thirsty.
What do you think, too much? Um, I don't know, too much for what? I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard.
Just stick it.
Glomp it on, okay? We're late.
I'm looking for This looks fine.
Stop! Stop it! Stop! I'm not going for the drag queen look tonight.
Paddy's waiting on me, and I'm jonesing.
Paddy? You just saw her.
Please tell me you're not hitting those pills too hard.
Everything in moderation.
Let's hit it, sister.
Hey buddy, do you mind? Hey, hey, don't abandon me.
I need my fix.
Sam! Hey! Can't talk now.
Must have Focus.
Nice to see you, too.
What's up, dick? How many is that? 10, as always.
Plus the single girls' boner bonus pill.
Hey! How you doing, dick? You're looking good tonight, Richard.
I am hammered.
And I am straight as a fucking line.
Focused, sharp, determined.
Determined? For what? You, me, my bed.
30 minutes.
I don't think I can make it even to the Fuckin' door.
I'll lead you.
I don't think I have the strength.
Where there's a pill, there's a way.
That's all I really need to know.
Hey.
Fancy running into you here.
Yeah.
Are you all right? No.
I don't think so.
What's going on? I think my girlfriend's cheating on me.
Hurts, doesn't it? I was a real dick to you, wasn't I? Most of the time, yeah.
I'm sorry.
You deserve better.
But you don't.
Sorry, I'm I cheated on someone.
I know.
I can read people.
So you know I'm a pretty shitty guy.
I know you made a shitty choice.
Doesn't mean that it's who you are.
Does it? Apparently not what you look like.
Behind all that hair you're really pretty.
I have the tower of eiffel in my pants.
I'll help you out of those.
Feels like an oboe.
I'll pretend we're at band camp.
Drew, let's Have fun.
Asshole.
It's official! I'm Anthony Michael hall.
Everyone hooks up but me.
Buying a new vibrator.
That's nice.
I'm gonna ride you all night.
Thanks to that little white pill.
One little pill Makes me love you.
Now I want you to fuck me.
What the fuck kind of feel-good ending is that?
Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! So I'm watching breakfast club for, like, the 80th time.
Suddenly it hits me.
Molly ringwald gets judd nostrils.
Emilio finally realizes that the freaky girl with the dandruff is a total hottie, so they hook up.
Who does Anthony Michael hall end up with? No one.
I mean, what the fuck kind of feel-good ending is that? So it really got me thinking.
I need a new haircut.
See, there's this girl at the office and she just gave me this look and it's the look that says "Hey, ugly bitch, 1997 just called, we want our hair rack.
" Yeah, I Fuckin' get it.
I mean Maybe I should just call that guy that I met back in Pittsburgh.
What was his name? Danny or Donnie, you know The one with acne scars but, like, kind of in a sexy way.
I could call him up and I could just say "hey, are you still interested? 'Cause "I am ready to pack the whole thing in.
" I mean, if I have to drink one more Martini out of a glass of someone else's greasy fingerprints on it.
I mean, what's the fucking point? Lizzie.
Lizzie.
Are you done? Mostly.
Why? Was I talking too much? Are you kidding? I lost you 3 songs ago.
Somewhere when you were talking about bikers who don't make Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Something about those anti-car slackers that's so self-righteous.
I mean, they think they have the right way Sam, Sam, Sam.
Shut the fuck up.
You are not making any sense.
Sorry.
Maybe I'm a little distracted.
Maybe? No, maybe it's not a good idea to go swimming in a shark tank when you're on the rag, or may be George Bush didn't get into Yale on his own merits, but, maybe you need help.
Help? For what? For your fucking state of being.
You're a fucking wreck.
You've the attention span of an ant.
Here, just Where, oh, where.
Oh, here it is.
Dr.
feelgood.
He'll set you right.
Trust me.
There's just so much crap under my couch.
I don't even know where it comes from.
Like, sometimes I'll be, like, vacuuming, which actually only happens probably, like, once a month.
But, when I actually do it, I'll just, like, look under the couch and I'll see all this stuff under there and I'll just give up.
I'll just, like, put the vacuum back where I got it and I'll just be like, "I can't do this any more "'cause I just can't deal with the stuff under the couch.
" And I can't seem to get anything done at work, either.
So, will you help me with that? Hmm? Oh, yes, I think we can.
Wait.
Is this what I think it is? It's exactly what you need.
But, I wanted something to help me focus like Deventhol or theenafax or That's not your problem, all right? Lack of focus is just a side effect.
So, what's this? You're suffering from anxiety and depression.
This will treat that.
Anyway, you should totally come and I could use the backup.
Sorry.
My new year's resolution was to stop going to breeder parties.
Not even as a favor for a friend? All right, let me try that again.
Since when did you make new year's resolutions? Since I decided to be a pure this year.
Oh, I see.
This is what Dr.
feelgood gave me.
Redonia? Looks like somebody's a little depressed.
I'm not depressed.
I wanted something to help me focus.
Maybe your lack of focus is just a side effect of something.
Oh, so now the bartender is a fucking psychologist, too.
Where's your goddamn degree? Let me guess, hidden behind the Irish whiskey? Good luck getting a libation tonight, biatch.
If we were playing a game of alienation, you'd be brilliant.
Sorry.
I'm not good.
Well, we'll fix that.
What are you doing tomorrow night? I don't know, downing a pint of ice cream and watching some cheesy chick flicks 'cause according to Dr.
feelgood, I'm depressed.
Well, maybe going to Lou's party is just the prescription you need.
You hate Lou.
I know, but drew is gonna be there and You hate drew even more than you hate Lou.
I know, but he's bringing his little girlfriend with him and I just gotta Ah, so you wanna get hammered and have a drunken confrontation.
I'm open to it.
Well, maybe you shouldn't be.
Richard's going to be there.
Oh.
Yeah.
And if you come, I'll get you the pills that you need.
The right ones.
Okay, I'm coming.
Yes! Gimme.
Ow! What the fuck! This is the number for pill pusher paddy.
She'll probably make a trade, but be cool, she's a little edgy.
Your caller id is blocked.
Who the fuck is this? My name is Sam Sam, that's an androgynous name.
Are you a man? I'm a girl, a woman.
I don't know any women named Sam.
Are you a cop? No, I'm a friend of Lizzie.
She gave me your number.
Lizzie.
Is Lizzie the bull dyke with the rattail? Lizzie the pastry chef or Lizzie the lawyer? The lawyer.
Well, why didn't you say so? I thought you were some sort of lady narc with a dude's name.
Where are you? At my apartment.
I'll be there in 15.
I didn't tell you where I live.
You think I'm a goddamn amateur? Be ready.
Hi.
How much do you pay for this place? Neighborhood's gone through the roof.
Fucking highway robbery.
Well? Uh, 1700.
Was that a question? Jesus.
There's one born every minute.
So, let me guess.
No boyfriend.
I have some prospects.
Yeah, good luck with those.
So, what do you want? I have a prescription for redonia.
I'll bet you do.
But, I'm not depressed.
What I want is something to help me focus.
Maybe your lack of focus is a side effect from the depression.
I've considered that.
Thank you, Dr.
Freud.
No need to get pissy with me.
I know more about the inner workings of the human mind than most of the shrinks in town.
Well, what I'd really like is, uh Something more like theenafax or deventhol I've got something better.
Liftenol.
It's got fewer side effects.
There won't be any weight gain.
Consider that a plus.
So, how do we You give me your prescription.
Plus, a $75 transaction fee.
Minus First time customer, 10% discount which brings us to $67.
50 which I'll round down, so This here costs you $65 even.
And My single ladies' boner bonus pill.
For whenever your gentleman caller has a problem down below this will make him harder than Chinese algebra.
I'm in.
I take cash, checks, major credit cards.
My name is paddy.
I value your business.
Bye.
Kate.
Kate.
Kate.
Kate.
Is this the herzog report? Yeah, finished this morning.
Wow.
This is really good.
It's perfect.
You don't need to review it.
And did you make sure to do the Kramer brochures? Already done.
Nora okayed them, I mailed them an hour ago.
So, I guess you're done for the day? I am now.
See you.
If I set the incline to 8% and I bump the speed to 7.
2 I can burn 60% more calories than I can on the base setting.
If you're lifting dumbbells too fast, you're just gonna add ungainly bulk.
But if it's too slow, where's the benefit? It's like trump says, "if you owe someone $1,000,000 dollars, it's a problem for you.
"But if you owe them a $100,000,000, it's a problem for them.
" You don't want to lift into a sit-up, you'll work your hip flexors but it might strain your back.
Moderation, as usual, is the key.
I don't know why they call it the windy city.
Doesn't seem that strong to me.
They should call it the breezy city.
Nah, that's gay.
Goddamn, that was a good book.
Who knew.
Sam here.
It's paddy, you called.
Listen, I need some more.
More what? Liftenol.
You only gave me 10.
How many have you taken? And I licked the inside of the bottle.
There's some chalky residue in there.
They're not candies, you know.
I'm going to a party in wicker park tonight.
Can you meet me there? There's an extra charge for accelerated delivery.
I understand.
Time is money, money is power.
I have the money and want the power.
See you tonight.
And the address? You're not an amateur, you'll figure it out.
What's your poison? Whatever you're having, only twice as much booze.
You like vodka? Mother's milk.
My name's drew.
Paddy.
Which one's your girlfriend? Let me guess.
Her.
Impressive.
How could you tell? It's the way she keeps glancing over at you, nervous.
Or maybe she's worried I'm talking to someone else.
So, double vodka tonic for you? You better take the double, you'll need it.
Your girlfriend is cheating on you.
How would you The lap touch thing.
Wait for it.
That? That means nothing.
Here comes the second touch.
She's gonna up the ante.
And the inevitable touch back.
Better you found out now.
Cheers.
Do you know who that woman was? No.
Save some for later, dude.
I'm getting drunk tonight.
College drunk.
How come? I'm thirsty.
What do you think, too much? Um, I don't know, too much for what? I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard.
Just stick it.
Glomp it on, okay? We're late.
I'm looking for This looks fine.
Stop! Stop it! Stop! I'm not going for the drag queen look tonight.
Paddy's waiting on me, and I'm jonesing.
Paddy? You just saw her.
Please tell me you're not hitting those pills too hard.
Everything in moderation.
Let's hit it, sister.
Hey buddy, do you mind? Hey, hey, don't abandon me.
I need my fix.
Sam! Hey! Can't talk now.
Must have Focus.
Nice to see you, too.
What's up, dick? How many is that? 10, as always.
Plus the single girls' boner bonus pill.
Hey! How you doing, dick? You're looking good tonight, Richard.
I am hammered.
And I am straight as a fucking line.
Focused, sharp, determined.
Determined? For what? You, me, my bed.
30 minutes.
I don't think I can make it even to the Fuckin' door.
I'll lead you.
I don't think I have the strength.
Where there's a pill, there's a way.
That's all I really need to know.
Hey.
Fancy running into you here.
Yeah.
Are you all right? No.
I don't think so.
What's going on? I think my girlfriend's cheating on me.
Hurts, doesn't it? I was a real dick to you, wasn't I? Most of the time, yeah.
I'm sorry.
You deserve better.
But you don't.
Sorry, I'm I cheated on someone.
I know.
I can read people.
So you know I'm a pretty shitty guy.
I know you made a shitty choice.
Doesn't mean that it's who you are.
Does it? Apparently not what you look like.
Behind all that hair you're really pretty.
I have the tower of eiffel in my pants.
I'll help you out of those.
Feels like an oboe.
I'll pretend we're at band camp.
Drew, let's Have fun.
Asshole.
It's official! I'm Anthony Michael hall.
Everyone hooks up but me.
Buying a new vibrator.
That's nice.
I'm gonna ride you all night.
Thanks to that little white pill.
One little pill Makes me love you.
Now I want you to fuck me.
What the fuck kind of feel-good ending is that?