The Good Place (2016) s01e11 Episode Script

1 Now, I'm about to show you some very sensitive information.
The final point totals each of you achieved for all your actions on Earth.
[ping.]
Whoa, your point total was crazy high, Eleanor.
[laughs.]
Oh, sorry, "Crazy High Eleanor" was my nickname in college.
I accidentally saw these point totals when Michael was fixing the sinkhole.
It gave me an idea.
We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here in the Good Place, and if you earn enough new points, then we could argue that you should stay here.
- Would that work? - Don't know, never had to prove someone belonged here before.
But the judge will be here soon, and this is the best way to build our case.
Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.
2 million.
Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.
That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.
- [beep.]
- You just lost five points.
Hello! Hi, how are you? There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving.
There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.
Wal mart? It's a place regular people go.
- You haven't heard of it.
- Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start.
Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid.
It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation.
" Both of which I did, by the way.
Such fun.
Have a wonderful day.
This is pointless.
The ticker isn't even going up, and everyone's giving me the stink eye.
Eleanor, everyone hates you.
Well, fork you too.
No, this is good.
Now that we know, we can actually do something about it.
And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Yeah, I don't know what I love more about our morning hardboiled egg routine, the eggs or the routine.
[laughs.]
Um, actually, this morning, there's a little surprise in yours.
[gasps.]
"I love you.
" How cute.
I love you too, egg.
Oh, no, no, Chidi, that that's me saying that to you.
I love you.
Ohh.
Well, that is something.
I know you've gone through a lot, and now I'm throwing this at you, but I just I had to tell you how I feel.
I love you.
No need to respond.
- Great.
- Well, at some point, you'll respond, right? I just meant no rush.
You wanna talk about eggs again? [laughs.]
Hmm, this isn't right.
I'm sorry, I've never kissed anyone before.
Is one tongue okay? I can add more tongues.
No, that's not it.
We're married now, but we still haven't told your dad.
Once again, Michael is not my dad, and we shouldn't tell him.
If Michael finds out that we're married, then he'll know you're not Tahani's soul mate, and then he'll know that you're really Jason and not Jianyu.
He'd send you to the Bad Place.
Mm, I don't want to lose you, girl.
- I'm not a girl.
- But also, I'm tired of living a lie.
We gotta go public.
I hate all this hiding.
I want us to have the life we deserve.
[poignant music.]
Pillboi, let's talk big picture.
You know I love Jacksonville.
J-town.
It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities in northeastern Florida, but if we're gonna make it in the DJ game, we gotta get to Miami.
Miami's expensive.
We just don't got that skrilla, B.
I mean, I got ten bucks to my name, and I spent eight of it on this burrito, and the other two on guac.
I know what we gotta do.
We're gonna rob this restaurant.
Great idea! What if we get caught? We'll just get married so that no one can testify against us.
Dope.
Yo.
I got diarrhea.
I'll be right back.
Me too.
I'll race you.
[laughter.]
both: Best friends! Thank you all for participating in our focus group for Fake Eleanor.
Think of this as an open forum for you to air any and all grievances that you may carry against her.
I was flying on the second day, and when you caused the trash storm, I crashed into a rotting turkey carcass, and it exploded.
- Oh, dear.
- All this cartilage and bone got tangled up in my hair, and its skin was all over my skin.
I didn't know where I ended and the turkey carcass began.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, your skin looks amazing.
My café got destroyed by the giant frog, then I reopened it and it fell into the sinkhole.
Just like me, I fell in too.
Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined every moment of your existence since you arrived? Excellent.
I must confer with Eleanor for a tick, so please, just enjoy the lemonade and cookies.
It seems everyone's problem with me is me.
Yes, it would appear that way.
The last moment they were happy was at my party.
We have to recreate that party.
We have to take them back to that night before I started affecting the neighborhood and give them a fresh start.
Yes, of course.
We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever.
This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.
Janet, there you are.
Some residents are complaining that you're not responding I'm sorry, what's going on? Is that a a wedding ring? Yes.
I'm married.
- To whom? - Sorry, my protocol forbids me from telling you any private information about any resident.
Is it that person? Jianyu, the man standing right there also wearing a wedding band? Dad we need to talk.
[tense music.]
I just want to make sure that I have this right.
Um Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.
I wasn't a failed DJ.
I was pre-successful.
And you two are married.
Hells yeah, homie.
We love each other.
She makes the bass drop in my heart.
And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening.
- So I agreed.
- Love you too, babe.
Janet.
Please tell me how this could have happened.
Unclear.
As you know, each time I am updated, I accrue new knowledge and abilities.
My suspicion is that when I was rebooted, I bonded with Jason in a way that I have never bonded with anyone before.
I seem to have gained a new understanding of love.
I also learned how to do this.
I will speak to you later.
Go to your void.
- Okay.
- [beep.]
- No, Janet, come back! - [beep.]
- Hi there.
- Go.
- Sure thing.
- [beep.]
- No! - Stop doing that.
- [beep.]
- Me? - Go! - Good-bye.
- Janet, come back.
- I love you.
I love you too.
[quirky music.]
That is Sachveer, and his problem with me is Oh, one of the giraffes tried to hump him.
[laughs.]
It's gonna be hard to keep a straight face tonight.
Hey, can I ask your advice on something? Are you sure, dude? Isn't there someone else better you could ask, like literally anyone else? Well, it's a sensitive matter, and you you do know me pretty well.
So here it is: Real Eleanor said she loves me.
Hey, man, nice pull.
She's a great person.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, we are soul mates, so I probably do love her, but then again, how do I know if my motivation is correct? Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her, but if I tell her that I love her for the wrong reasons, it won't mean anything.
You have a tendency to over-think things.
Turn off that giant brain, and just say you love her too.
- You think? - If this were some random person you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game in the parking lot behind the port-a-potties not based on a real example I would say keep mulling, but this is your soul mate.
She's Universe-approved.
Tell her you love her.
[beep.]
Hey, your score just went up 20 points.
Yeah, 'cause I give great advice.
Now maybe you'll finally listen to me and take off those glasses.
We are in the afterlife, dummy, nature's Lasik.
Okay.
I think I figured this out.
There is a real Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who took an oath of silence at the age of eight.
But, three months ago, he went into such a deep meditative state that he registered as dead, and when you died at that exact same moment, our system mistook you for him.
Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ.
- Cool.
- No, not cool.
He stopped learning at the age of seven.
Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test, basic questions designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad.
Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime? Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat after he sued me.
[ding.]
And I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare.
[ding.]
Did you ever have a personalized license plate? Yeah, dawg.
- "I LUV BUTTS".
- [ding.]
Have have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Yo, the Chilis? I saw them in concert like 50 times.
- [ding.]
- I once got arrested trying to steal Flea's bass guitar.
[ding.]
Oh, that was another serious crime I committed.
I should have mentioned that earlier.
- [beep.]
- Is it just me, or am I acing this test? Oh, this is bad.
Oh, this is so, so bad.
Oh, I thought I had everything under control when I found Eleanor, but somehow you are you're so much worse.
No, don't don't touch Oh How does that still work? Everything's gonna be fine, homie.
I promise.
[light music.]
I don't know, B.
What if it doesn't work? Hey, we thought of everything except for an alibi and an escape route, but we'll figure it out as we go.
You don't wanna over-think these things.
- I'm kinda freaking out here.
- Pillboi, I got you.
This plan is foolproof.
And when it's over, we can finally have the lives we deserve.
DiGiorno! I am a safe installer here to install-a da safe.
So just a-point to where the guacamole money is, and I'll-a install-a da safe-a in da, how you say, a-place? [phone dialing.]
Yeah, hi, we're being robbed.
J, they're on to us, man.
His hat's a golf ball, and he's a got a terrible mustache.
We need to get married now.
I do, for always and forever.
I do! Eleanor, for an utter novice, you have thrown a lovely party.
Well, thanks, but it's not working.
Not one more point.
What the fork? Oh, look, Michael's here.
He can help.
Michael, would you do us the honor of saying a few words? I don't know that I'm in the right frame of mind.
Please, they'll listen to you.
Just pay me a few compliments.
You know, I'm great, heart of a champion, basically your muse, you get it.
[party chatter.]
Attention, everyone.
Michael would like to say a few words.
Hello, everyone.
Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets.
Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right? Okay.
Take her easy.
Yes, well said.
Now, we shall hear from tonight's featured guest.
She's kind, she's humble, she's the Walmart of friends.
Did I use that word right? Eleanor Shellstrop.
[sparse applause.]
Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor.
Original flavor, not new and improved.
I know a lot of bad stuff has happened because of me, but I never meant to hurt you, so if I caused you any harm, I'm truly sorry.
That's nice, Eleanor, but I still crashed into a turkey carcass.
And I fell into a sinkhole.
And my dog got kicked into the sun.
What can you possibly say to us that'll make up for your actions? Pobody's nerfect? [chuckles.]
[chuckling spreads.]
"Pobody's nerfect"? That's hilarious.
Like "nobody's perfect," but the letters switched.
- That's very funny.
- It's nerfect! [all laughing.]
[quirky music.]
Eleanor, great job tonight.
Have you checked the, uh, the ticker? I could really use some good news.
Okay.
[exhales.]
Gah, come on.
Well, the nightmare continues.
The nightmare continues.
How did this not work? There's no way to increase my point total because everything I'm doing is out of self-preservation.
- I don't understand.
- My motivation is corrupt.
Even when I do nice things, I'm only doing them so I can get something out of it, the ability to stay here, which means none of this had any real moral value.
It doesn't count.
Holy shirt.
I know what I have to do.
Okay, I am almost done with these personalized "I'm sorry" notes to everyone in the neighborhood.
I need you guys to deliver everyone their notes, along with those T-shirts.
Well, granted, these are hilarious, but how is this going to help? Just trust me.
I'm gonna get the points.
[quirky music.]
Oh, good morning, Dad.
Where you been? Oh, just walking around, contemplating my failure, wishing for the sweet release of eternal extinction.
Cool.
Hey, um why don't you want me to see Janet? I'm a good guy.
All I want is to give Janet the life she deserves.
Janet is not built for human life, and I'm not sure you're much of a provider.
Do you even remember how you died? No, not really.
It's a little fuzzy.
You and your friend Pillboi were trying to rob a restaurant.
Pillboi! And then the cops showed up.
So the plan was to pretend to install a safe with your friend hiding inside it.
He pops out, steals the money from the restaurant, gets back in the safe, then you come in and uninstall it.
I refuse to discuss my fifth amendment rights until I concur with your attorney.
Sure.
Look, we found your buddy's plans.
We know he was the brains.
You were just an accomplice.
If you're lucky, you might get probation.
- Jason going to jail? - No, man.
Jason's dead.
He suffocated in that safe.
There were no air holes.
Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there, which couldn't have helped.
At least he died doing what he loved a bunch of whippits.
Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.
Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.
I suffocated to death in in a safe? I'm a moron.
Hey hey, Janet? - [beep.]
- Hi, there.
- Janet, you need to leave me.
- Why? You're the smartest girl in the world - I'm not a girl.
- And your dad is an angel.
I mean, what a family.
I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel who's only now realizing why that didn't work.
You should be with someone better.
I don't deserve you.
Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you.
I love you.
Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too.
So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.
This is nuts.
Just weighing in over here.
This is bonkers.
Okay, I have to go reboot Janet.
- Why? - It's the only thing I can think of to do to get rid of this glitch.
Yo, who you calling a glitch? It means "error," Jason, which is what this is.
Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave? Yes.
Now, you two sit tight.
I'm gonna go murder Janet, and I'll be right back.
Look on the bright side.
When you're rebooted, I can teach you all the Dorito flavors again.
No.
I'm not starting over.
What if he reboots me, and we fall out of love? We have to get out of here right now.
Where do you suppose she is? I hope she's okay.
You know, the more I work on her case, the more I think she truly belongs here.
I'm I'm sorry that I haven't been able to say what you want me to say, because I-I do want to say it.
What's holding you back? Honestly, my biggest fear is just making sure that my motivation for saying it Chidi? - Wow.
- How did she suddenly? Her motivation changed.
She couldn't earn enough points by apologizing to everyone here because she was only doing it to earn enough points to stay here.
But she did earn enough points, which means that she's decided not to stay here, - which means - That she's leaving.
[tense music.]
Oh, hey, Janet.
I was just about to call you to ask you to get me a train to the Bad Place.
- Whoa, what? - You have to be a good person to stay here, and I can't become a good person unless I leave.
You don't belong here, Jason doesn't belong here, and now that I can think and feel, I don't belong here either.
- Where are you going with this? - There is a woman named Mindy St.
Clair who lives in a neutral zone by herself.
It's neither a Good Place nor a Bad Place.
A Medium Place? Dude, that's where I belong.
I've been saying that since day one.
It's where Jason and I are going.
Would you like to come with us to Mindy's house? Yeah.
Let's go hang with Mindy.
That sounds great.
Love her, huge fan.
Call the train.
Look, there it is now.
[brakes squealing.]
I did not call that train.
That train belongs to Shawn, the judge, who's coming here to judge you.
Can you make that train go to Mindy's house? - Yep.
- Then we have to go right now.
I just have to run home real quick and hit save on the Madden game I was playing because Blake Bortles has, like, 300 yards passing in the first half [hissing.]
[tense music.]
Shawn.
Ooh.
- Michael.
- Sorry I wasn't here to greet you.
I, uh, had something I needed to tend to, but it can wait, it can wait.
[beeping.]
Okay, I've hacked into the mainframe.
- [sighs.]
- Kidding.
[laughs.]
I can't hack into the mainframe.
Technically, I am the mainframe.
Would you just hurry up? I'm here to rule on the fate of Fake Eleanor Shellstrop.
Yes, yes, um, I think we have a rock solid case for Fake Eleanor.
I truly believe she's a good person.
- [train chugging.]
- Are you sure? Because I believe she's stealing my train.
I'm sorry, Michael.
Sorry, everyone.
[quirky music.]
Well not great for my case.